| KptnLt Eric Karle |
03-31-06 05:05 AM |
It's well written and has a lot of potential, keep up the good work. One suggestion, the modern convention of writing suggest that it is better to seperate dialogue from the main body of the text for example:
Quote:
Hopefully it will be foggy for most of the day enabling us to run on the surface. Well its time to head out of bed and get a cup of that oil the mess chief calls coffee, and begin day 3 of our patrol.
"Good morning captain."
"Good morning Iwan, would you be so kind as to get me a cup of coffee?"
"Certainly sir."
"Good man."
"Lieutenant Maddaus how are we looking this morning?"
"Looking good sir right on schedule I'm expecting to cross into grid AN31 around 06.30."
"Just what i wanted to hear Ludwig keep up the good work."
"Captain Krey your coffee sir."
"Thank you ensign I'll see you on the bridge in 5."
"Yes sir."
It was time to radio our position into to HQ. Our radio operator Seaman 2nd class Erich Ites was already preparing the report when i got to the radio room.
"Good morning captain."
"Good morning Erich got the morning report ready?"
"Yes sir i do."
"Good go ahead and send it. I'll be on the bridge if any messages come in."
"Very good captain."
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The only other comment I would make is that there is rather a lot of dialog in this passage, perhaps a little more than is really necessary for example when the Kaleun asks for a cup of coffee is isn't really necessary to have more dialog announcing it's arrival. I've done quite a bit of writing and all the advice I've been given is to re-read each passage you write several times and remove anything that is unnecessary to the core of the story. I hope this helps, I really think you have the makings of a good story there and I'm looking forward to reading more. |
