:k_rofl:

The binoculars presented by the Fuhrer himself made a sad clunk on the deckl Oh well, Balz thought. and renewed his heroic pose- "Cease fire," he orderedl
"Sleaze fire," Bernard yelled.
Sizzling fire," Schnitzel commanded.
Another round went into the breech and the gun boomed.
Bernard handed Balz his binoculars given bt the Fuhrer. "Here are your valued binoculars and visionary glasses."
"Get lost you bastard."
Bernard leaned over the hatch abs shouted, "torpedo loss, you bastards."
Balz watched the torpedo wake head straight for the neutral tanker and the end of his career as the Kriegsmarine´s most brilliant officer.

Lol I bet Bernard gets loaded in the tube next.:03:

^ :har:

:har::har::har: Good lord, this ranks right up there with Squiddy McSquid for best thing I've ever read (X3 playthrough written by NuclearSlug, side-splitting stuff).

Could Bernard fit within the breach of an 8.8cm? Seems appropriate to at least try.

Warren, this is not Balz first appearance in the forums. Do a search to find his other stories, they are worth it.:yep:

:subsim:

Very good. I haven't laughed so much in days.

The torpedo will explode prematurily and Bernard will get away with it.

A circle runner wouldn't be that bad in this situation :hmmm:

Bernard will end up getting a kick in the balz.

It's all a brilliant plan by the Royal Navy to get Balz out of their hair. It's actually a destroyer, disguised as a cruise ship, painted to look like a tanker. "Renowned sub driver sinks neutral ship in cold blood!"

I was wondering if there would ever be a Balz compilation.

But then I realized, this is not the LS U-46 thread, which stands on it's own. This is more like mystery Science Theatre 3k, where the audience is much a part of the cast as the characters themselves.

The Balz stories would not be nearly as entertaining without the peanut gallery. Especially when the peanut gallery steers the plot some. (Vaguely remember Balz and FK having a rendezvous in a Tiger).

Keep it up Brag.

And you should seriously consider writing the Epic of Balz, in the format of Hitchiker's guide, or Mercury Falls. Slapstick comedy. It could be a classic....... musical........

This is not my day, Balz thought. "How do you say Friday in Japanese?" he asked no one in particular.
"Are you planning to commit seppuku on a Friday?" Bernard asked while polishing the UZO lenses.
"No, I just want it to be a good strong German Sunday with a nice French wine instead of this doomsday day of doom and desolation brought to us by dastardly damnation."
The torpedo hit the tanker and the shock wave shook the conning tower.
"Prepare to zum," Balz ordered in his parade ground style.
"Fat iz da prepare to zum," Schnitzel asked.
"Ach, I must ex'plain efferthing. Balz groused. " To zum a zumbarine is to zumb it into into the zumberzible mode on a Japanese Friday. And don't forget to close the hatches."
"Aye, Sir."
"In the German Navy we don't say aye except when speaking English in Japanese. Balz's gaze was drawn to the sinking tanker. The sight made him sad. "Take this boat down to 200 meters, I need to do some deep thinking

How do you come up with that stuff? Absolutely great! :up::up:

Use the Search function. Type in Balz. Select Thread Titles Only. On the right side click 'Silent Hunter 3'. You'll get a list of every Balz thread ever. Start at the last and work your way forward. :D

He's a writer by trade. That's what they do. :sunny:

"Stabilized at two hundred meters," Zeiler Zteve announced.
"Is that at high or low tide?" Balz asked
"Huh?" Werner Schnitzel exclaimed. "That wasn't covered in cadet school."
"That's because you have not practiced deep thinking." Balz chuckled and poured himself a cup of tea.
"When we are two hundred meters under the sea, we are deeper than whale scheisse, which lies at the bottom. Bernard volunteered.
Balz looked around. "Who authorized this nitwit to express his lower than scheisse opinion?" Balz opened the tea cozy locker and rummaged inside until he found the pink bunny one he liked to wear when thinking of Frau Kaleun. But the tea cozy did not help. The image of thousands of tons of whale dung triggered by Bernard remained in the forefront of Balz's great mind. Again he asked, "Are we two hundred meters below the high or low tides?"
"Oh no," Bernard screamed. If we are below the low tide, we're gonna die. He hit the blow ballast button and U 123 shot for the surface.
Unable to prevent his boat from surfacing, Balz sighed. All he needed now was an enemy airplane flying in the vicinity and he stuck without compressed air and empty ballast tanks.,

Yes, been there and done that, but I wonder if there will ever be a compilation of the threads.....

In fact an animated little movie with a silhouetted audience, MST3kesque, with the peanut gallery comments in bubbles would be awesome.

Bernard is asking for trouble
Or may trouble is Bernard's best friend! :D

Completely out of control the submarine rose out of the ocean depths. Balz felt the deck plates pushing againstt he soles of his feet.
"Goooing up," Bernard said," Next floor tea cozies and captain's toys,"
"Captain's toys?" I'll buy you a Bernardniverous giant panda" .
The submarine broke surface and Balz raced to the bridge. He flung the hatch open snd heard the throaty rumble of an aircraft radial engine..
From the bridge, he watched the airplane fly away from the sub. "Ha. ha, you merkin fools- Only me, the great Balz can surface with such impunity."
The airplane kept flying away.
Seized by uncontrollable laughter, Balz fell and rolled on the bridge deck.
Lieutenant Werner Schnitzel grabbed Balz by the shoulder. "Herr Kaleun, get up, war is serious business."
"Ha, if war was serious business we¿d wave our caps in friendly greeting at the enemy instead of shooting at each other. Man is more afraid in making new friends than meeting old enemies.".

Indeed , only the greatest of the great Kaleuns can pull such a stunt off! :D


I like the name! Ha ha.