Originally Posted by frau kaleun (Post 1503273)

My mother lives on the other side of town and I have only seen her twice in the past twelve years. One was at Christmas 2006, the other about 6 months later at her invitation (via my sister, she didn't actually contact me personally) when she wanted to host a small family birthday celebration.

That was after eight years of absolutely no contact whatsoever (none initiated by me, anyway) after 30+ years of trying to deal with her toxic behavior. Google "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and you'll have some idea of what I and many others put up with all those years.

When my father died in 1998, I realized that the last thing I desired in life (contact with him) that required any contact with her was no longer a factor. My sister, who was suffering far more from her behavior at that time than I feel I was, tried to keep up contact on a somewhat regular basis over the years, mostly out of sincere concern for her but also partly because deep down she really believed that if she could somehow "prove" how worthy she was, she'd finally get the love and approval that someone like our mother is completely incapable of giving anyone. It didn't happen. It took a health crisis, some of which was brought on by the stress of the situation, to make her reassess her priorities and realize that she was wasting her time trying to earn something that would never be forthcoming. (And indeed, the harder she tried to earn it, the harder she got kicked in the teeth for her efforts.)

Then after a while our mother seemed to ease up a little - I never really believed she would change, but thought that some kind of infrequent contact might be possible provided no major event or conflict brought out the more destructive aspects of her... disorder, or whatever you want to call it. I knew the reasons for it, or at least suspected them, and they were about as self-centered as everything else she does... but I thought it was worth a try just to mend the fences to some degree. And after all that time, I was more confident in my ability to protect my boundaries if and when necessary. Thus I went with my sister to see her that one Christmas, and again the following summer.

But the attempted reconciliation didn't pan out... the last time my sister saw mom was about a year ago, I think. She hadn't heard from her in a while and stopped by to see how she was. Mom went off on her when she was barely in the door, screaming and yelling all kinds of accusations - all of which were utterly ridiculous - and finally throwing her out of the house. My sister hasn't been back since, and I certainly won't be checking in any time soon either. That's just the way it is.

Of course I'm not saying your situation is anywhere near as drastic or that your parents are anywhere near as toxic as my mother is - but what I am saying is that sometimes blood relationships aren't enough of a reason to be "close" to people, or to be around them at all if their behavior is so toxic as to become intolerable. We connect with some people and with others we don't - and with some people we just can't have healthy, happy, close relationships - and it's no different with family members.

My sister and I took a lot of crap from some people because "OMG but she's your mother how could you just cut her off?" Well, here's the thing - if I knew someone in any other context and they behaved that badly, treated me that badly, treated people I care about that badly - I would not have that person in my life insofar as I had any control over it, not once I'd determined that the person was perfectly content to continue behaving like that despite every attempt to make them understand how hurtful it was and what the consequences would be if it continued. I would cut that person off in a heartbeat.

My mother got away with it for almost four decades, during most of which I was an adult and, in theory at least, had the freedom to wash my hands of it and walk away.

Do I regret that we will never have the close, loving, caring relationship that all the Hallmark cards say a parent and child should have? Yes.

Do I regret that I finally washed my hands of what the relationship actually was and walked away? No, no, a thousand times, NO.

At first I was really embarrassed to talk about the whole situation with anyone who wasn't already involved in it. But because it finally came to a boil when my father died, and was part of a lot of bad family stuff that went down at that time, it became impossible to keep it private. When your coworkers attend your father's funeral and realize that part of your own family is not speaking to you, it's not private anymore, lol.

What I found out at that time, though, is that the fantasy that everyone else you know has wonderful family relationships with no problems, no conflicts, no longstanding grudges, no toxic behavior that gets in the way of things... it's just that, a fantasy. In the weeks after my father died other people I knew shared with me things they'd been through and let me know they understood just how bad things could get, and that walking away from it to save one's own sanity and wellbeing was a perfectly valid choice.

I guess my point is, no matter what kind of relationship you end up having with your parents, it's never going to conform to everyone else's ideal of how that relationship is supposed to be. If it's not "close enough," some people will judge you for it. But other people will understand because they've been there, and know what it's like. In the end, you're the one who has to decide what's healthy for you and what's not.

Originally Posted by RedMenace (Post 1503902)

Thank you as well for spending so much thought on this with me. Your relationship with your parents actually sounds extremely similar to my own. The word "toxic" applies very well. I've been emotionally, psychologically, and physically abused by them, so I understand why I have such a hard time dealing with being around them. It just depresses me that there are people out there who can make me feel so low and irrational. I suppose it isn't my fault though.

Originally Posted by frau kaleun (Post 1503941)

Find someone you can talk to even if it's just to get things off your chest once in a while. It doesn't mean you have to go have a lie-down on some shrink's couch for an hour three days a week - just being able to talk openly about these things with an objective, non-judgmental person once in a while can make all the difference in the world.