Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

:rotfl:
Keep 'em coming!

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

What the movies teach us....

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts; your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are a blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noise in their most revealing underwear.
20. Word processors never display a cursor on the screen but will always
say: "Enter password now."
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readout's so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is the total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
........... The Russians used a pencil
Random others I have been told:
If youre car is on fire, if you get out and jump in the air, it will explode.
When firing a gun, the firers arm may jolt back a few centimetres, a few milimetres or none at all, but anyone hit will fly back many many metres into the air.
You can fire two guns with the exact same, sometimes better, accuracy than with one.
-------------------------------------------------------
Check Up

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
"Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.

"And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"


"You're going to die," she replied.
-------------------------------------
:lol:

:rotfl:That is so true.

It happens....:yep:

What's pink and lays at the bottom of the ocean?
-Moby's dick

----------------------------------

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yaht by the pier, I paid for that yaht by giving head jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life.

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars'

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy."

----------------------------------

10 things not to tell your girlfriend

10. Come on, who's gonna find out?

9. I promise you wont choke.

8. Can I get you in the pooper?

7. Trust me, I'm a professional.

6. Well, your sister likes it like that.

5. Wow look at the ass on her!

4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?

3. I gotta poop.

2. Oh you forgot to shave today too?

1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

Okay, did you learn this the hard way? :dead:

The 3 Lies:

1. This'll only hurt for a little while.

2. I'll only put the head of it in.

3. I promise that I'll never come in your mouth.

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Little Johnnie walks into the bathroom one day and catches his mom stepping out of the shower. He looks down between her legs and sees her bush. Johnnie says: Mommie, Mommie, what is that? Mommie says: Oh thats my sponge, I use it to clean myself. Later, to the kinky request of her husband, Johnnie's mom shaved hereself. Well the next day, Johnnie catches his mom coming out of the shower again and notices the sponge is gone. Johnnie says: Mommie, Mommie, where did your sponge go. Mommie replies: Oh it got dirty honey, so I threw it away. Then one day, Johnnie comes storming into the house yelling towards his mom: Mommie, Mommie, I found your sponge. Mrs. Smith is washing daddies face with it. :D :o

Edit: I hope this is clean enough to keep.

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''

No you dummkopf! But I can assure you that girls dont mind if you tell them the number 3, I do it all the time. :smug: Hmm... :hmm:

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four
of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of
the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on
each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

NO, THERE'S MORE ...
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which
he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus
parrotshooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

Drug used by women to seduce men

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:


Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...

:rotfl: you've figured out the plan then!:lol:

A bear walks into a bar in Barstow and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and say "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Barstow"
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him "WE don't serve beer to bears in bars in Barstow ".
The bear, very angry now, says "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender, once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Barstow."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Barstow that are on drugs."
The bear says "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "Yes you are, that was a bar bitch you ate.

The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

.................................................. .................................................. ................

Three men walk into a bar and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

.................................................. .................................................. ................

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says "is this a joke?"

.................................................. .................................................. ................

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

.................................................. .................................................. ................

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his mobile and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

You're right. That is a bad joke

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."