I made similar mistakes with my kids, but the one thing I told them, is not to take any nonsense from anybody... so my eldest(21) told me to Sod-Off at 14 years, and my youngest (16) also told me that at around the same age. My problem was that I was driven to make them 'succeed', making the mistake of driving them hard.. in what i thought would prepare them for life.

Tragically for you, with your wife passing, is that there is no female balance and perception to your actions. My wife would explain things to me from different angle to help me see the 'errors' of my ways. This and also the female(mother) input for children is very important. Try family visits with your sisters, mother and his girl cousins.

Eventually I was apologising profusely (literally on my knees) trying to become friends again with my boys..backing off and only providing advice when asked for it, but supporting them in everything they did (within the law of course) and being firm. All through these 'battles' telling them that we loved them.

My youngest can spend days 'locked' in his room and would get very aggressive if we disturbed him. So mom and I formulated a 'battle plan' to gently wean him off PC games, but without punishment. It's a long term plan of chores, responsibilities and rewards, and it's working thus far.. and we're all great pals.

We have our spats.. but on the whole we're moving in the right direction.

It's hard to accept that they're grown up, and you have no control... but they still love you too... you must give it time to show itself.

Good Luck
Keep us posted.

Always remember,
You were his age once too and most likely had similar problems dealing with life in general. You might try relating some of your own experiences and how they turned out to make you the man you are today.

My daughter was rebellious at eighteen and I had no choice but to send her on her merry. My son is now married with two of his own and he's doing well.

You are going to get a myraid of opinion here and as concerned as we may all be about your dilema. I think that seeking out a professional you both can feel comfortable talking too, who will not choose sides and provides both of you a controlled and safe environment to communicate is the best start to finding a solution.

An Update
 

Thanks again to all the responders.

I think things will begin to improve, due to a chat we had today. Actually, a chat I had that opened up a conversation.

I asked him to tell me why he isn't helping out. He just said he got distracted. So I said, OK, here's what we'll do. Your next day off is tomorrow, you do the vacuuming. The Internet is off until then. He agreed.

As it turns out, he has a problem making decisions, and I had previously asked him to just pick something and do it. If I detail him, OK. So every week, first day off, we work on one of two tasks; laundry or vacuuming. He does one, I do the other, switching each week. He agreed.

By the way, he was not prescribed any drugs during his depression. Our doctor said none were recommended for anyone under 18 unless suicidal. So he got out of his just by talking to a psychologist. I had the meds.

So, I'll keep you posted...and keep listening to advice.

Thanks.
:woot:

It sounds like you've made the first step in the right direction, though I am concerned about the report of him being distracted when it comes to doing tasks and making decisions. He might be bi-polar. You can research that malady online, rather than me trying to be a doctor, which I'm not.

Best of luck to you and your son.

Update
 

Well, thanks again for all the responses. Things are no better, in fact worse. Two days before Christmas and we are "not talking". Actually my fault, I guess, since I blew my stack at him about snow clearing.

Now I get "yes" or "no" answers if I ask him something, nothing voluntary. He now refuses rides to work and won't eat if I cook.

I am leaving it ride. After a few days of trying, via text and emails, I am going to wait it out. Winter is here, and the harsh weather will make him want a ride on some nights. He works retail until 9:30 - 10 PM.

I can't help him with the anger, since any advice or comment from me is automatically rejected. Time will work on it. :/\\!!

sounds to me like you need to apologize and clear the snow yourself, or better yet shell out about a grand for a snowblower.

Good luck, I know no time is a good time but especially bad at xmas time.

Maybe
 

I did apologize and I did have to clear the snow myself. Snowblower solution? No money for that.

I'm 64 years old and he is 19 years old. Anyway, it is more than the snow issue. We have friction issues, but talking it over is better than angry silence.

I can fix me, but I can't fix him. I'm now taking prescription anti-depression pills and waiting for an appointment with a psychologist. That helps me.

When he was a kid I could take him to a doctor but now he must agree or go on his own, if he thinks it is needed. So I'll fix myself and hope for the best.

Happy New Year, eh?

Right back at ya, eh?