SUBSIM Radio Room Forums - Subsimmers advice needed

It's been said, but I'll say it again; this is a tough problem. There's a lot of good advice both ways here, but only you really know Dan so only you can determine which solution, if any, is most practicable.

It sounds like he needs professional help, but if you are unable or unwilling to compel him to seek it then here is my advice. You have probably tried some of this stuff already but since I don't know exactly what you have done or know thus far I will just outline everything.

Fisrtly, remember that addicts are people, too. This person is your friend. He most likely thinks of himself as your friend, which is why he sees you as an acceptable source to finance or encourage something equally important to him: his habits. People under the effects of addiction will go to great lengths to rationalize their actions. He probably thinks that you will understand, but he hasn't really taken the time to consider what it is that he is doing to you, not to mention everyone else. Nonetheless, no matter how self-deluded he is, he is still a person. He still thinks and acts like a person, but in a different reality.

Remember that chemical addiction alters the body's natural homeostasis. It redefines the threshold at which the body feels "good". Keep in mind what your friend will have to go through to re-obtain a natural state of homeostasis. It will not be pleasant for him, and he probably knows that from experience. Anyone whose habits involve stealing or otherwise acting unacceptably has doubtless been in a situation where they have not had their poison of choice.

Knowing this, we must then consider what effects withdrawal might have on the person in question. I don't know the effects of cocaine withdrawal, but I know that people can die from alcohol withdrawal. Their nervous system and cardiovascular system can malfunction from the sudden absence of a chemical (ethanol and methanol) it has grown accustomed to and lead to shock, arythmea, and permanent nervous damage or death. Keep this in mind as you decide which course of action to pursue. Professional help is the best option, but again, if that option is unavailable, you may want to wean him off of his addictions rather than force him to quit entirely.

The silver lining (and also the cause) of this cloud is the extreme chemical adaptability of the human body. Drugs and alcohol are dangerous enough by themselves, but they are doubly so when the body is subjected to a chemical imbalance as the result of depression and related emotional problems. In such cases they not only counterbalance the excess production of "depressive" neurotransmitters like serotonin, but they also encourage the activity through manipulation of the noradrenaline system. In short, the body learns to reward itself for introducing a chemical that makes the bad feeling go away. But this works both ways. If the dependency itself can be associated with displeasure or replaced with a more sustainable natural "high" that requires less "displeasurable" circumstance then the addiction can be overcome.

As a word of warning, note that I said "overcome", not "eliminated". Bodily chemistry functions a lot like the immune system. Well, actually the functions are very different but the results are analagous. When you get a vaccination or fight off a disease your body develops an immunity against it. Antibodies and T-cells are ever on standby to defend against any pathogen or virus once you have survived it. Chemical dependency is similar. Your body (or moreso, your brain and nervous system) retain the programmed behaviour one teaches them when subjected to chemical imbalance. If the conditions are experienced again, the body will naturally revert to the state most adapted to that condition. This is kind of why people who learn things when they are drunk, or fatigued, or otherwise chemically impaired can only remember them when they are in the same state. It is also what makes relapse such a problem. So, keep that in mind.

Now, the problems with substituting something for chemical dependency are multitudinous. For one thing, there are very few things that create a neurobiological reaction as strong or stronger than the introduction of a controlled substance. Fortunately, Dan already seems to have access to one of the few things that can overcome an artificial chemical dependency; his daughter. If he adores her as much as you say then his body's biological priorities are already in order, so there is hope.
In most cases there is nothing so powerful as the urge to reproduce and care for offspring. This is physiologically less true in males than in females, but it is still very important. The other important part is cognizance. Dan has apparently convinced himself that what he is doing will not hurt his daughter. If he can be made to realize that this is not true he will likely change his behaviour.

Another possibility is the introduction of another viable partner. If he is feeling lonely after being married for 15 years then his relationship is not a sustainable arrangement. His body is not going to reward him for keeping a mate that he ses as being insufficient in some capacity. He either needs to change tack and find someone else or re-examine his relationship and find new life in it. This is something that only he can do. It cannot be forced upon him, nor should it be, but the suggestion can be helpful if made in a tactful manner.

Have a care, though, when pursuing either of these courses of action. To an addict, an outside attempt to help can seem like a threat.

Consider what you would do if you were trying to help a friend go on a diet. In that case, the person knows they have a problem and would probably welcome assistance. Of course, they would still prefer tactful assistance, such as polite suggestion, or perhaps a joke, or perhaps a distraction from the desie to eat - it all depends on the person.

An addict, on the other hand, is more like a morbidly obese person. Even though they know they have a problem, they cannot overcome their desire to eat. They trained their minds to indulge in the reward that comes with eating and their bodies responded by rewarding what they considered to be a rewarding activity, even when that activity is obviously to their detriment. The system has backfired, and both mind and body are caught in a loop where ever-greater quantities of sustenance are needed to achieve the threshold where the chemical reward for eating enough is delivered. Trying to limit or take away their food will often result in a hostile reponse. Even though their conscious minds know that eating more is bad for them, their body reacts in the same way that it would if they were starving and someone snatched away their last crumb of bread. Consequently, their conscious brain is overwhelmed with feelings of anger, self-pity, hatred, etc. etc... and they react as such. The fact that you are depriving them of food means very little compared to the fact that you are depriving them of the chemical reward that comes with eating. They don't even know why they feel the way the do, in most cases, but they still feel that way. I wish I could think of a simpler explanation.

In any case, even knowing all this, Dan's care is probably best left to professionals. Professional rehabilition therapists earn a living by helping people to overcome addictions, and they have had the opportunity to both learn from and observe firsthand the failures and successes of others. You may be struggling with whether to help him or leave him but as his friend I know that you would rather help him, yes? It may be tempting to try to help him all by yourself or reach out to him on a personal level, but the safe course of action would be to leave his counseling to a professional. Otherwise you could end up damaging your friendship and making his problem even worse. If he (or his body) percieves a threat to the chemical balance it has achieved he will most likely withdraw and try to hide his habits, which will do nothing to help him.

You say that Dan is a good guy, and if this is so then I encourage you to approach him in the most friendly manner possible (maybe even over a drink or two, but certainly not much more than that) and encourage him to just try a therapist once. If he recoils, do not press the issue. As his friend you are only suggesting something. Above all, you must not try to force anything. Forcing things will lead to the aforementioned natural reaction. You are not only dealing with Dan, but Dan's brain, and the body it controls, so you must be delicate.

Based on what little you have said of him my approach would be to invite him over for a couple drinks or something, and maybe ask how his daughter is doing (that doesn't sound quite right, but you get the idea). Maybe start a discussion about his plans for her in the future and such, wander OT for a while, steer the conversation to some parties or something where he indulged in the questionable behaviours, then come back to his daughter. With any luck, he'll figure things out on his own, or at least question them. Otherwise, you may have to try to tie something else in to it, like her college fund or her marriage or something. I'm doing my best to explain this but it really has to be done in a personal fashion. There is no algebraic formula I can give you where you insert x idea and add y comment and end up with z result. If you want to be his friend then you must be his friend, and that means understanding what he will react positively and negatively to.

To revisit my first point; remember that addicts are people, too. There is a reason why they do everything they do, even if it is not the right reason. Indeed, the way they act is a lot like the way the rest of us act, just on a different and more desperate level, and often with a co-opted consciousness. Everything that makes us human is still there, but on a more extreme level.

Since I've gone on this long already, let me provide another example to make the points above clear, not only to you FW, but to everyone.
How many here have ever been absolutely infatuated with a woman? Many, I'm guessing. A man? Ok, whatever, same thing. What would you do to protect this person? How would you react if someone wanted to rape or kill them? What would you do to protect a child you had with this person from similar fates?

With the exception of a few seriously f'ed-up individuals who I hope are not present here, the answers, I'm sure, will be fairly unanimous. Everybody would want to do something fairly awful to the offender. But why?

The easy answer is easy; "Because I love my (insert whomever here)". "Because I want to protect them." "Because I something something emotional or moral concept etc.. etc.."

Without going to much into human nature, I will suggest that this same kind of function is at work in the addict. What it really means is "I will harm, hate, or in some way fight whatever makes me feel bad". This is what makes addicts so difficult to deal with, and why they often require professional help. In dealing with Dan, you will want to use the same kind of tact and wit you would use when asking for his daughter's courtship (assuming she was of age, of course).

Maybe this advice will help, and maybe it was just a long and boring read, but one way or the other I will pray that your friend will find salvation somewhere other than in a chemical addiction, and that he will lead a good life henceforth.