DOH!:oops:

After receiving a $5 billion donation from the Brazilian government Fifa have just announced that they would like to congratulate Brazil on winning the 2022 World Cup 3-1 against Argentina on 13th July 2022.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

“Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.


Magic

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon..

I'll let you know..

I had my leg x-rayed today..

The doctor told me, "Your patella measures 2.54 cm."

By surprise I said, "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied, "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷."

I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay..

They arrested me.

By the way, just in case anyone’s interested, my friend Sam is selling a few 26 Inch Lexani Rims. If anyone’s interested, feel free to PM me.

After visiting our house my mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted “Are you gonna help?”, I said “6 should be enough!”

News from the brexit department:
"Trump advised us to sue the EU, and Putin advised us to poison the other 27 leaders."

My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working​, goodbye”. Just opened the fridge and it’s working fine, very strange!

Girlfriend just told me she doesn’t care what she gets for Christmas as long as it has diamonds in it.

A pack of playing cards it is then.

My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said “come on, get in the car we’re going to the petrol station”.

Whenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking kind of sad.
Maybe I should let her in.

After years of marriage I’ve learnt that you can tell a lot about a woman just from her hands. When she’s holding a frying pan and waving it around that usually means she’s angry.