Heard on the radio today that bad drivers are gonna be getting £100 fines. Seems a bit sexist.

I told the bank teller that I wanted to open up an account.


She said "whatever"


The bank was offering zero interest checking accounts.

Just had the following conversation with my boss.

Me: “Sorry I’m not coming in today. Got chickenpox.”
Boss: “Don’t give me that!”
Me: “I won’t. I’m not coming in.”

Old man (Subsim member) to his doctor: "Doctor, I take a crap every morning at 8 o'clock"

Doctor to old man: "That's good, so what's the matter?"

Old man: "I wake up at 9 o'clock"

Last night my girlfriend asked me to name all the women I’ve slept with. I probably should have stopped when I got to her.

Variation


I asked my wife how many men has she "been" with.
She said five
I told her that being number 5 was not too bad:)
She told me I was number 3


fml

I had a job interview yesterday and I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

The interviewer asked “Are you nervous?”
I replied, “No, I always give 110%.”

Yesterday I asked my daughter for a newspaper and she passed me an iPad because apparently newspapers are “old school”. She was right, the fly didn’t stand a chance.

The worst part about getting fired from my job at the unemployment office was that I still had to show up the next day.

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Just seen two men walking together wearing matching clothes. I asked them if they were gay and they arrested me.

My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working​, goodbye”. Just opened the fridge and it’s working fine, very strange!

Just found out that I’m colourblind…

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Fun idea. If you have no kids hire a babysitter anyway and tell them the kids are asleep upstairs and not to be disturbed. When you come home ask them why the kids are missing.

Last night I was gonna surprise my Korean Wife with a romantic meal but someone let the cat out of the bag.