Dad: Hi Son, where you off to?
Son: A party
Dad Ok well, don't forget to wear a ..... y'know
Son: A what?
Dad: y'know.
Son: A rubber?
Dad: No a hat, you ginger c....

The man who invented auto-correct spell checking died today.
Restaurant in peace.

I never realized how common Tourettes syndrome was until I got a job as a traffic warden.

Me: “Sorry I’m not coming in today. Got chickenpox.”
Boss: “Don’t give me that!”
Me: “I won’t. I’m not coming in.”

Me: Sorry boss can’t come in today my car has broken down.
Boss: What about the bus?
Me: I don’t have a bus.

I cant believe some people. You give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and then suddenly she’s not friends with you any more.

Was at this party when I noticed I had lost my watch. Looking around I saw this Don Juan fellow sweet talking my wife. Sizeing him up I spotted he was standing on my watch. I went over and punched him. I wasn't going to have any of that. Not on my watch.

Metronome: A short person from the big city.

Went to a barbershop today for a shave. The barber wanted me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth to get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I said: “What if I swallow the ball?”
He said: “No problem, just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”

While on the golf course....
 

Max and Jerry were playing one afternoon.
The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women,
originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the ninth fairway.
I'll go and ask if we can go through," said Max to Jerry.

Max returned after only a few paces towards the ladies.
"Jerry, this is very embarrassing, but would you mind going.
That's my wife up ahead and she's playing with my mistress."
Jerry returned having got no further forward than Max.
"I say," he said, "what a coincidence."

Did you hear about the gypsy who won the lottery? They paid him with travelers cheques.

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: Yes!!
Boss: That’s good, because after you left early yesterday for your grandmother’s funeral she came into the office to see you.

Was playing charades last night and my uncle suffered a stroke! Unfortunately it took quite a while to phone an ambulance because we were all shouting “Sylvester Stallone! Sylvester Stallone!”

Once a week
 

Maurice was not having a good day on the golf course.
After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurice. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

The guy who owns the local cinema just died.

His funeral is on Monday at 12:10, 14:20 and 18:40.