Just had the following conversation in court.
Judge: State your name. Me: Not Guilty Judge: What? Me: I had it legally changed. Judge: You’re Not Guilty? Me: Thanks, I’m outta here. |
I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?”
He smiles and says “Try the ATM in the lobby”. |
The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.
Priest: Do you have any last requests? Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand? |
Why is it when an old person comes up to me at a wedding as says “You’re next” its somehow socially acceptable but when I do the same to them at funeral I get into trouble?
|
Why is it that good people are always the ones who get screwed over? The other day I gave my seat to an old lady on the bus and then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
|
The following conversation took place today at the hospital after the doctor told me I’ve only got 3 weeks to live.
Me: Is there nothing you can give me to help? Doctor: Try drinking 1 litre of olive oil every day Me: Will that cure me? Doctor: No but it will make your cremation a lot quicker. |
After the doc had examined John, he left the office to fetch the printouts, not saying a word, leaving John feeling a bit uneasy. Shortly after the doctor came back in, looked at John then said
"I am afraid I have some bad news. You only have 5 left" John looked up in shock and half shouted "5? 5 what? Years? Months?" "4..." |
Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please. |
A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning.
Thousands of fans attended. |
Went to the barbers today and asked to get my hair cut like Justin Bieber. He totally shaved my head bald. I said “What the hell have you done. Justin Bieber doesn’t have his hair cut like this!!”, the barber said “He would if he came into my shop.”
|
I went to the doctors earlier today with hearing problems.
He said “Can you describe the symptoms?” I said “Homers a fat guy and Marge has blue hair” |
If you had the choice between being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace, what color Lamborghini would you buy?
|
https://i.imgur.com/LQ9MYDt.jpg
I found this on a Facebook page 'Shropshire Paranormal Investigators Group'... at the top it says "Send a message", but you can guess what I wanted to say |
I remember in the old days when instead of selfie sticks people used to have things called friends.
|
Can’t believe how nice some people are. Got a compliment today about my driving. Someone left a message on my wind-shield that said ‘parking fine’.
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:08 PM. |
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright © 1995- 2024 Subsim®
"Subsim" is a registered trademark, all rights reserved.