Granted, but it's a Mac computer swimming in melted Limberger

I wish the visions of naked Zambonian newreaders weren't haunting me and driving me stark raving mad

Granted, you are driven stark raving mad by being forced to sponge-bathe morbidly obese male mud-wrestlers after being made to watch their matches.

I wish that.... um... U.S. Americans?.....would use their...um....education? to help the U.S., uh.... I mean....Africa...and like... the Iraq...and the Asian countries?

Granted but we use our education to help ourselves to their resources. Muhahahaha


I wish that Boston Cream Pie was not so fattening.

Granted, just so long as you don't eat it, you should be fine.

I wish I could take the cake

Granted, but as Raptor pointed out the cake is a lie.

I wish i was dating Michelle Trachtenberg

Granted, but if the cake is a lie then Pie must be truth.

I wish I was on the gig with Steely Dan.

Granted, you get to be the official Steely Dan crack ho and roadie

I wish the lie was true

Granted, all lies are henceforth truths....just don't be going all truthful to your missus.

I wish the bitch sitting opposite me would go out and choke on her lunch.

Granted, the bitch sitting opposite you goes out and chokes on her lunch, comes back and regurgitates all over your desk

Once again, I wish I hadn't just eaten

Granted you just thrown up.

I wish for big breasted women do the weather forecast.

Granted, but you don't want to know how big

I wish the weather forcasts would be canned, they don't help anyone

Granted, the weather forecasts are all canned, but in canning them the weather gets canned also and we are now faced with, not global warming or global cooling, but global nothing

Oh I wish that it would rain, rain, rain

Granted but it rains, rain, rains within a 10 metre circle centered on your head. Even indoors.

I wish I had a Zamboni fitted with a 105mm L7 rifle.

Granted but then the rifle recoil would cause the Zamboni to slide backwards on the ice, causing the propane tank to explode, and you would be history along with the ice capades.

I wish it were dinnertime.

Granted, but the recoil kills him after 1 shot

EDIT: Gah, fine

Granted, but you don't have any food

I wish I had a T-34 that works (with fuel) that I could drive around

Granted, but then a M-1A comes along with a Cheetah and a Panther and you turn into a crispy critter.

I wish it were not as difficult to sneeze.

Granted, it is so easy to sneeze now that you can't stop sneezing

I wish I had a clue

Granted, but you have no idea what

I wish I knew what

Granted but you have no idea when.

I wish I was 15' tall.

Granted, but your spine fails and you die

I wish your spine was made out of something stronger