Host of a chat show said to Jo Brand, comedienne, ''I believe you have a very happy marriage.''
''Yes, I do, but my husband does'nt !'' She said.
:-j

WOMEN AND MAPS. ;)

Letters to the editor - lady getting uppity in response to an article claiming women have trouble with reading maps.

She hits back saying her husband has an infallible system - ''If we get lost and I'm navigating its my fault,
because I have the map; if he's navigating its my fault, because I have control of the steering wheel.''
:-j

A good catch. (BBC Radio4 Home Truths.)

Two seniors out in a rowing boat rod fishing in a swell. Fred is seasick and in hanging over the side loses his false teeth.
Later Jim, pulling his leg, quietly attaches his own false teeth to the hook of his rod and makes to haul 'em in.
''Look what I've caught Fred '' he says. So Fred takes them off the hook and pops them in his mouth.

''Damn it they dont fit, and they are'nt mine'' he says throwing them back into the water.

:-j

A small bite. (BBC Radio 4 News Quiz)
Clippings from actual Newspapers thet might amuse.

Nobo the circus dwarf was on a trampoline in the ring when he misjudged things and bounced sideways
into the open mouth of a Hippopotamus, spellbound and gaping in amazement at the spectacle, and merely waiting
his turn as the next act. A vet ( sic ?) was called in who reported that the Hippo had a gag reaction and
nothing could be done.

Meanwhile the 1000 plus audience continued to applaud assuming it was all part of the act.

:-j

PS. Might be one or two more here to chuckle at -

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/n...cuttings.shtml

Remember - ' Who's p-p-picked up our penguin?' **

Well call me an 'ole cynic but the zoo has announced the birth of a new 'Jackass' penguin for the ''grieving parents. '':o

Now lets see when is Easter, early April - that'l do nicely. The ''missing'' buzz story did no harm then !

Whose the penguin and whose the Jackasses ? :yep:

''BABY JOY FOR PENGUIN PARENTS'' Solent TV. Uuuugh ! :huh:
http://www.solent.tv/pageviewer.aspx...36328862719180
Still its aimed at kids, its a day out for the family and oh yes the zoo owner wont mind.
Wonder if he's over the grieving stage. :lol:

Previously:-
http://www.subsim.com/phpBB/viewtopi...r=asc&start=50

PS. Appologise for my penguin obsession - blame MSGallileo and his penguin 'slapper' The wifes plonked a kids
wind-up wobbling walking penguin alongside my 'ole moose' on top of the monitor. Its War.........again !! :arrgh!: :hulk:

Diving.

The moment I tire
of difficult sand-grains
and giddy pebbles,
I roll with the punch
of a shrivelling wave
and am cosmonaut
out past the fringe
of a basalt ledge
in a moony sea-hall
spun beyond blue.
Faint but definite
heat of the universe

Andrew Motion Poet Laureate

Poetry in motion - sounds a bit toilet based ?

BOT.

Rhino dung can now be turned into paper -
but its not a very pleasant letter to receive !

:-j

Bathtub Ahoy !

Radio was quite a conservative medium in the last half of the 20 th century. Few will recall the groundbreaking
moment when the first 'gaseous discharge' (fart) was simulated.

This distinction lies with those Masters of the kazoo and slide whistle, namely Spike Jones and The City Slickers.
This seminal event occured in a wartime song title (best forgotten) but featuring the ''Super Duper Superhuman.''

Spike arrived in the 20s with his hit 'Clink, clink, clink another drink,' with the lyric ' Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle,'
Later came 'Cocktails for two.' But most folk may still have heard 'In some secluded rendesvous' or
'You always hurt the one you love.'

The City Slickers on the road show filled two roadcars and amounted to a fifty plus team of comedians
and acts as well as the band. The pressures of this type of life can only be imagined. The show was still going
strong in the fifties but a 70 day habit eventualy claimed Spike.

The 'circus,' as it was known, toured with everything it required, props and hardware wise, their only
request of the venue management was for a bathtub on stage. ;)

THE BRICKLAYER'S STORY

I was searching for a link for an audio version to Gerard Hoffnungs Oxford Union speech. Their are copyright issues so
I must rest content with the bald prose which does'nt capture his very chuckleworthy superb timing **
and the infectious audience laughter.

Monologues:

''I've got this thing here that I must read to you.
Now, this is a very tragic thing... I shouldn't, really, read it out.
A striking lesson in keeping the upper lip stiff is given in a recent number of the weekly bulletin of
'The Federation of Civil Engineering Contractors' that prints the following letter from a bricklayer in
Golders Green to the firm for whom he works.

Respected sir,
When I got to the top of the building, I found that the hurricane had knocked down some bricks off the top.
So I rigged up a beam, with a pulley, at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of barrels of bricks.
When I had fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over. I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured
the line at the bottom and then went up and filled the barrel with the extra bricks.

Then, I went to the bottom and cast off the rope...............
Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening,..........................
the barrel started down, jerking me off the ground..................

I decided to hang on!.......................
Halfway up, I met the barrel coming down......... and received a severe blow on the shoulder.
I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my fingers jammed in the pulley!..............

When the barrel hit the ground, it burst it's bottom....... allowing all the bricks to spill out.
I was now heavier than the barrel............ and so started down again at high speed!
Halfway down..........I met the barrel coming up and received severe injury to my shins!

When I hit the ground... .......I landed on the bricks, getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges!
At this point............I must have lost my presence of mind... ........................because I let go of the line!.................
The barrel then came down.........giving me a very heavy blow and putting me in hospital! ..................

I respectfully request 'sick leave'. ''

:-j

PS. To get a flavour of Hoffnungs timing, just pause, as you read where '................' are shown. And picture !

Bellow the line purchases or Liar Buyers?

This is an important revelation in the 'Battle of the Sexes' All male fleet members, print on rice paper,
read and immediately eat with noodles. It is vital this does not fall into 'other hands' !

Heck, I'm sure I'm not alone in blushing with embarrassment, when I read a recent survey which reveals that men secretly
smuggle into the home, without telling their female partners, about 336 pounds a year worth of purchases...........................
:lol: mainly technical goodies.

Now those of a nervous disposition should brace themselves here.If you have any previous medical condition
or are under the doc., taking medication or just feeling fragile after a night on the sauce, please, please, put your
rice paper away for the time beeing. OK - your feeling strong, here goes. :roll:

The report, which I firmly believe has been commissioned researched and 'edited' by women states that
the female of the partnership merely smuggles in goods to the average value of about 227 pounds a year.
Guess what.............................................. .they are mainly shoes !! :arrgh!:

Why I suspect a female bias here is the impression given that 'the ever virtuous ones' will be honest ..........................
eventualy.........as the shoes mount feet and hop into RL....... ''Nice shoes dear !'' " They are old ones.''
''You've seen them before.'' Or worst of all irony, to accompanying mocking laughter - ''Oh you're so observant !'' :P

But I am confident, :hmm: , that we can maintain the upper hand. Fear not, that so vital purchase of a
new graphics card can be bolted in quickly and, if you clear the evidence by removing the old one to
'a place of safety', your secret will be intact. We know that this type of expenditure, is essential to the economic
management of our PC system............dont we ? :yep:
..............''Just a small amount, dear to make it last, like your car battery, you know.........'' :know: :smug:

It saddens me that we have to resort to such deception, muddying of pools, wiping out of tracks, but we are dealing
with an adversary who will not fight fairly and has long, long memories. It is mere retaliation on our part.............
We are at War, so, like all Bubbleheads, Strike from secrecy ! :hulk:
Deploy Enigmas imaginary wheel. ;)

:-j

Note. Any counter-security attention should address and report on the enigmatic and unpredictable
nature of ..............................................the female !

Internecine War - 'Entrapment.' AAR. :arrgh!: :hulk:

(Aimed at the partnered - others skip !)

Now bubbleheads of the sneakier, less scrupulous, disposition. will be familiar with the concept of tempting the
opponent into a position which exposes him and gives few avenues for escape.
Well guys, when I posted earlier about women and maps - the savier amongst you would know that I would'nt
get away with it..........................................unansw ered !

After a great breakfast, relaxing chewing the cud, little did I know I was on the menu of that skilled hunter, the Panther.
Not a blade of grass moved, not the slightest rustle, as she stalked her prey. First the Panther asseses the
lie of the land - its downwind, there are limited avenues of escape, and very importantly it knows as it inches
forward on its belly, that when it make its final rush the prey will react in certain ways.
The Panther is on known territory, its killing ground, it knows which bolt-holes are
closed - it also knows its prey. The prey is trapped, but does'nt know it !

''Looking forward to going over to Fartown today, we'll have lunch.''She said, innocently.
''Yep, had'nt forgotten.'' I said (Huh - continued grazing)
''But have YOU forgotten the roadworks ? ''( She's closing in for the kill)
Well I had but I reacted in 'known ways' (Guard down)
''No problemo my sweet.'' (Thinks - end of story !)

The final rush begins:
''Will you go in via Albany road ?'' She said. (Final stalking stage !)
''...'Spect so.'' (I was eyes-down)
''Only its blocked - they are digging it up''(Heck - looks-up - Whats this !)

Now its not too late for the prey here, it has to find an avenue of escape. But it's relaxed, well-fed, amiable..........
..... in short off-guard. (An easy target ?)
So instead of calculating the odds, examining the options such as going into the next room - separation,
time to think while consulting the local papers 'Works in progress' to see where the roadworks are taking place.:yep:

''Yeah '' (Running blindly - looking for those avenues.) '' But it was only blocked at the bottom, a fortnight ago,
so I'll take a right off it on to Gilbert Street. '' ................
''Its closed too!'' she said !! :o

Well I am on familiar male expertise strong ground here because I reckon I know the layout of this town,
like the back of my hand, having worked there for 15 years. But so had she ! But now I'm beeing challenged..........
..... some of you will recognise the situation. But all is still calm, a reasonable,(superficialy) discussion about plans.
So I know as the 'Pack Leader' (self-apponted ?) that I am confident of finding a path through the maze.
............(Second Big Mistake.) :ping:

''Well...'' (smelling a trap.) '' Where are the roadworks ?'' I said.
''Its a very confusing picture.''She said disingenously. (The feline - playing with its catch ?)
I am not giving way here, male hunting prowess is legendary, as are the inate mapping and route finding aptitudes. :cool:

''I will go Gillingham, across on Hill Street, down Mountjoy, up Kent - y'know the back-way.
You do remember !! (Touch of sarcasm !) :P ......................
.............'Their excavating in Hill Street'' She said. :damn: :damn: :damn:

The Panther has got its prey running (Panic setting-in which did'nt show !).....................But the panic addles the brain
and a bad decisions escalate. So those of you familiar with Gerard Hoffnungs 'The Bricklayer's Story will recall
the conclusion when the barrel of bricks, in spite of best efforts, descends from the top of the building and lands.
...... on his head !! '' At this point... I must have lost my presence of mind... because I let go of the line! ''

These 'games' have to be brought to an end with dignity and it requires one party to 'move.' (Diplomacy)
''Okay dokey - honey you drive.'' (The white flag is generously and calmly waved.)

''Happy to, dear one,'' she said ''the Car Park on Marlborough was quite empty........ last monday !! ''
''............''Funny bit in the paper about Women and maps - did you see it ?''

Aaaagh a kill and a very sweet revenge - I suppose. C'est la guerre and there will be rematches ! Oh yes !!
And anyways whose keeping the count ?

Note. I make no appology - this skirmish is of a type familiar to the mature and experienced but I hope that it
will serve as a salutory warning to all apprentices partners.
Take care out there !
:-j

Calling DEVGRU this thread has been hijacked. Set ThreatCon Delta! :ping:

:lol: C'mon - ever heard of hijacking c**p ?
Its Catch 22 fella ! ;)

Well now the Chief of the Watch has detailed you to help here in the bilges............. perhaps you can find the plug ?

Hope you've had breakfast - got a strong stomach ?
Take this brush and start scrubbing - watch your footing - its not a nice way to go !!!............ Poor 'ole Bill......................
Told him he should use the head !!

:-j

:D I have been asked to place the following advertisement discreetly:

'White Van Enterprises Corp.' seeks large warehouse or multi- storey storage facility in a position with
good access to the Channel ports. An excellent deposit paid and five years rental upfront. ;)

See BBC Can the robbers launder the money? -
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4742362.stm

''Millions in banknotes may sound like a thief's dream, but shifting at least £25m, and possibly as much
as £50m-worth, is no easy task.

That much cash, in say £50 notes, would amount to 800,000 pieces of paper.**

It would stack up to 40 storeys high and would weigh about 900lbs - nearly half-a-tonne, says money laundering
expert Jeffrey Robinson.''

Before we left port Cap'n requested Bilge storage of some large waterproof packages with safety instructions
about 'high volatility ' No change there then.

** In an emergency - Could be just the most luxury toilet paper the crew will ever see. :o :huh: :rock: :up:

PS. Thought of asking Cap'n to make a 'Sticky:Patch' on the topic but he is prone to erupt !...................
.................................................. .........and thats just his bowels.:roll::oops:

:-j

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast.
(Extraction from an extract of an edited extract. Lewis Walpert)

The cognitive imperative.

We all have a tendency to attribute inexplicable events to some sort of 'mystical' cause, like bad luck or even,
light heartedlly gremlins.

Fear of 'Friday the 13th was shared by Napoleon, Churchill and Franklin D.Roosevelt, who would cancel
any appintments he had on that day !

A scientist once visited the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen and was amazed
to find a horseshoe was nailed to the wall over his desk. 'Surely you done believe that horseshoe will bring
you good luck, do you Professor Bohr ?' he asked. Bohr replied......'''I believe no such thing, my good friend.
Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However I am told that a horseshoe wiil bring
you good luck, whether you believe in or not !''

How can one argue with such logic ?

:-j