Two nuns are doing their grocery shopping. As they pass the cooler full of beer, one nun says longingly to the other one, "A cold beer would go down great tonight!"
"Indeed," the other nun replies, "but how can we show up with beer at the check-out counter?"
"Don't worry, I have a plan," the other nun answers. "Grab a six-pack."
The cashier is surprised when he sees the beer, but the one nun is ready with an explanation. "We use the beer to wash our hair" she says. "At the convent, we call it 'Catholic shampoo.'"
Without hesitation the cashier bends down, grabs a package of pretzels, and throws it in one of the nuns' groceries bags, saying "The curlers are on the house."

Bishop TD Jakes is returning to Texas after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrives, there is a limousine there to transport him to his home in Dallas. As he prepares to get into the limo, he stops and speaks to the driver. "You know," he says, "I am almost 50 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver says, "No problem."
Bishop TD Jakes gets into the driver's seat, and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sits a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo goes by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulls out, easily catches the limo, and gets out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walks up to the driver's door, and when the glass is rolled down, he is surprised to see who is driving. He immediately excuses himself, goes back to his car, and calls his supervisor. He tells the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asks, "Is it the Governor?"
The young trooper says, "No, he's more important than that."
The supervisor says, "Oh, so it's the President."
The young trooper says, "No, he's even more important than that."
The supervisor finally asks, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper says, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got TD Jakes for a chauffeur!!!"

One fine day, a priest, a rabbi, and a high priestess decide to all go fishing. They manage to get to the water, and off they go. One hour later, the high priestess says, "I think I forgot the food!" She steps off the boat, walks across the water, gets the picnic basket, and walks back!
As they are eating, the priest thinks, "What a display. Jeez, where does she get off walkin' on the water?"
Right then, the rabbi says, "Oye! I forgot the drinks." He steps right off the boat, and walks across the water to get the drinks.
By this time, the priest is very frustrated! He excuses himself, and as the priest steps out of the boat, he falls in the water.
The high priestess turns to the rabbi and says, "You think we should have told him about the rocks?"

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!"
And the priest says, "No son, you're not."
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not."
Finally, the drunk had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "Jesus Christ, you're back AGAIN?"

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service.
Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think £5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?"
The preacher relied, "Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"

The biggest swindler in the world dies and finds himself before the gates of Heaven and St. Peter, who says, "Come on in man!"
Confused, the swindler questions, "But I thought I would be going to Hell for all of the bad things I did."
St. Peter replies, "Oh, we don't keep records here, it's too much work!"
The swindler goes in, and is once again surprised to see tons of beautiful girls whipping themselves. He asks St. Peter, "Why are they doing that?"
St. Peter answers, "Ah, those are all of our virgins. They just found out we don't keep records, too!"

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

Saw this today... a joke told by Barry Crier:

"My mobile phone is so old it has an Alastair Sim card"

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."
A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"
He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class."
She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"
Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"
The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten pond note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the tenner to the teacher.

Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns £500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"
Student: "A heart attack."

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'.
The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"