Why did Mickey Mouse leave home ?

'Cause he couldn't stand his Old Cheese.

I’ve decided to start an educational campaign to tell people about the health benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. None because they never get the house.

They told me I’d never be good at Poetry because I’m dyslexic.

So far I’ve made 2 Vases, a Jug and a teapot.

Girl at the RyanAir check-in just told me “window or aisle”.

I replied “Window or you’ll what?”.

My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed so I told her I have a headache.

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said “Well, I’m off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the car park.”

Heard on the news that the worlds oldest man died earlier today. Why does this keep happening?

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

Fixed that for you.
:up:

Nigel Farage goes into his pub and asks for a pint.

The barman draws it & throws it into his face.

“Why did you do that?” Nigel asks.

“'You asked for a pint,” the barman says. “But you didn't say how you wanted it delivered.”

Farage replies: “Okay, I’ll have a pint in a pint glass”

“No. You can't ask again.,” the barman says.

“Why not?” Farage asks.

“Democracy,” the barman replies.

I actually saw this.

Outside a church there was a noticeboard. On it the priest had written :- "Let Jesus fix it".

Underneath some wag had dumped a broken tv.

^ i would closely watch the outcome. If it works, call me!

Just been ripped off by the guy who works at my local Chinese hardware store.
The pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance …

The 5 stages of buying car insurance.