Participate in the forum fun story

[STEED]

It’s time for a break from the doom and gloom and have some fun. Only one rule you must write a minimum of three lines and it must be crazy and funny. Ok here goes nothing I shall get the story going.


The Hunt for the Lock Ness Monster

Lord Haggis one night decided to look for the Lock Ness monster in his state of the art submarine. His neighbours for the last two weeks have been getting up his nose, the reason his sub glowed in the dark a very bright pink colour. Every night his neighbours would set up deck chairs and sit their wearing sun glasses little did Lord Haggis know his neighbours came from outer space.

To Be Continual by some one else…..?

[Takeda Shingen]

Okay, I'll play.



Indeed, Lord Haggis' neighbors came from the town of Outer Space, Nebraska, population: 537.38. (Goldfish count for .15 a person.) Having recently moved to Scotland, they left America for the Loch on May 11th, which in the town of Outer Space was Swillikins Day. Each Swillikins Day, all of the people of the town join in a festive parade and celebration and give thanks for their bountiful swillikins. Just as to what a swillikin is, no one is sure, but they are pleased to have been blessed with them. The highlight Swillikins Day is the annual slug racing contest. Mrs. Elsie Ebberhart of 337 Maple Lane had won the event for the last thirteen years. However, her slug was sick this year.

[STEED]

No one else come on people loosen up have a spot of fun for a change. Thanks Takeda Shingen glad to see you had a go. OK I shall continual the next part.

Meanwhile across the gulf of space alien beings were plotting to take over the Earth. Hang on that’s another story, back on earth Mrs. Elsie Ebberhart slug was found to be intoxicated by alcohol some one spiked the Slug. Back in Scotland Lord Haggis was being given a hundred gun salute reason for this unknown for now. Boarding his pink sub he rec'd a phone call from Mrs. Elsie Ebberhart who turn out to be his former boss in the…………..

To be continual I hope?

[kiwi_2005]

Meanwhile back at national headquaters in the USA, the pentagon and CIA were in a readalert meeting with the president.
"Mr President, if we drop a nuke on the loc ness, it will, i repeat it will possibly wipe out the whole of that area within a radius of 60 miles".
hehe, 60 miles huh, well will there be any surviors within that 60 miles?
ahh No Sir. Nor do i think there is any hidden weapons left there by the hari chisnas. Nor do i think Sir, that there is a ballistic sub in the loc ness either. Mr President.
"Yes but how do we know that?
We dont.
Then we go into code red and hit that sucker with everything we got.
But Mr President what shall we tell the people.
We tell them "grin" it was all in the name of Freedom.
Ahh very good Sir. Code red it is.

[STEED]

Mrs. Elsie Ebberhart was still a member of the C.I.A and rec’d word Lock Ness was to be hit by Nukes. “Lord Haggis at last the President is about to attack you.” “Me what did I do” the phone goes dead. Lord Haggis rings up Tony Blair the British Prime Minister who gets on the hot line to the President. “George what’s all this I hear you are about to nuke Scotland” “Who told you that” the President puts the P.M on hold. Dick your right the Lock Ness Monster is taking over the world, I think it’s got control of my old mate Tony. Suddenly one of the presidents aids rushes in “Mr President we have been invaded by little green men” Their goes my hunting holiday Dick repiles………….

[kiwi_2005]

Meanwhile somewhere in moscow, the kgb were onto it, after many vodkas they came to the deiscison to call up one of there heros to deal with the western threat. Code name, Kapitan.
Kapitan! yes General he is the only man for this mission.
Call him at once!
Ring ring, hello comrade kapitan here.
Comrade this is general 'hic' kovococtail speaking from moscow we have an important mission for you, we want you to hit the USS seawolf.
Gulp! The Seawolf!?
Yes comrade, we are giving you the diesel sub kilo 088 to take her out.
A kilo up against the seawolf? have you had to many vodkas Kovococtail!
Yes Kapitan we hav, but that does not matter for our wars are allvays won with vodkas.
You are to proceed to the hideout near the scottish coast there boris will pick you up by dingy,
DINGY!!
Ah yes dingy we have to save fuel you understand. Once aboard the kilo you will proceed to coordinates 040 N 33S and proceed at standard speed. Once the US Seawolf is detected you are to monitor her movements. Send reports every 12 hrs.
Good luck Comrade.

[Oberon]

On board the dinghy Knock Neviski, Kapitan was busy relating the story of how he singlehandly destroyed the USS Nimitz with an unorthadox method of ramming when suddenly a small green head popped out of the water next to them.
"it's the Loch Ness monster!!1" yelled Kapitan, and immediately set about trying to ram it. However, at this moment a strange glowing pink submarine performed an emergancy surface in front of them.
"Kapitan! It is the November K-147!" yelled a crewmember, but Kapitan knew better than that.
"of corse it isn't you fool! our submarines glow bright green, not pink!!1"
For a tense one minute, twenty seconds, five milliseconds and sixty-five picoseconds there was a standoff, broken only by the sound of the seagulls and a crewmember using an electric tinopener on a can of spam.
Then, there was a click on the bright pink submarine, and a hatch opened, a short man in a tartan kilt climbed up on deck and looked straight at the monster.
"Thar she blows! Thoust monster that has taken so much from me! Well, Nessie, if you have seen fit to rob me of my boat time and again, it is only fit that I rob you of your life! We must duel!!"
With a flash, a set of bagpipes appeared in his hands and he stared at the monster as though, should his chest have been a cannon he would have fired his heart upon the beast. Then, the monster opened its mouth, and in a very polite and upper class englishman accent replied.
"Oh dear...I'm sorry old chap, I rather think you have got the wrong monster...I'm the LOCH Ness monster...you are most likely after my cousin the LOCK Ness monster...I get this all the time."
The Scotsmans shoulders slumped, and accepting defeat he clambered back down into the glowing pink submarine and set course back to port, determined that next time he would take vengance on the monster, whose cousin was now quite happily swimming away.
What of Kapitan, I hear you ask...well, our intrepid submarine commander had piloted the dinghy away from the glowing pink submarine and promptly ran it aground...but fortunately he was already next to B088 and was able to clamber on board...ready to begin his fateful mission!

[Khayman]

The Scotsman was relaxing with a wee whiskey, mulling over the days events. So the Loch Ness monster was a sassenach, and the Lock Ness one was the real monster of Loch Ness. None of it seemed to make sense. Unless...

(Out in space a delegation from Ritsuire 4 were approaching the Earth. Their journey had taken some 200 years, and the atmosphere on board was tense)

What if the monster had mastered an English accent? Perhaps because he'd had to phone up his bank or something and nobody seems to understand anything said in a Scottish accent? It was wearing a top hat and carrying an umbrella, but they could have been a cunning disguise!

(Squirk looked over at Grook. He'd found his habits amusing at first - the slurp he used to make while eating frozen blaat, the odd half moustache he seemed to think was trendy, the nasal laugh. Now Squirk frequently found himself thinking un-Ritsuirian thoughts. They mostly involved a mallet and Grooks head)

As for the cousin that had swam away, wasn't it wearing a turban and looking slightly more tanned than a Scottish monster should? Then there the reports of underwater rumblings, previously explained away with the reason it was the monster with wind. What if it wasn't wind?

(They were just about to enter orbit when it happened. Squirk had brewed some murt. He set it down to engage the braking thrusters and turned round to see Grook taping a sip from his mug!)

His glass stopped halfway to his lips. What if they were developing WND's - Weapons of Nessie Destruction. By the Gods! That was it! It also explained the reports of large monsters visiting cornershops and asking if they had weapons grade plutonium.

Al-Nessyquada were right here, in Loch Ness!

(The Ritsuirian ship plummeted into the atmosphere as 200 years of tension took their ineviatable effect)

"Alert the fleet, condition one" he barked into the phone. "Live weapons and wartime footing. Oh and for god's sakes please stop my sub glowing glowing pink before I get there!"

Clouds rolled, thunder struck, rain cascaded in fountains. A car pulled up and out stepped the Scotsman. His 2nd in Command wandered up;

"Sir, the fleet is ready."

"What about my damned sub? Is it still pink?" growled the Scotsman.

"No Sir! We still don't know why that happened. We found some men with pink paint pots but they swear they weren't anywhere near it."

"Another mystery then" said the Scotsman, "God's knows the world is full of them." He strode towards his sub, seemingly heedless of the driving rain. "Tonight we get rid of one. English monster my *&^!"

"Yes Sir!" replied the 2nd in Command.

The Scotsman boarded the sub and turned to address the men standing topside, "Right lads! Tonight we're going to..." and he stopped. The water erupted nearby and Nessie appeared, a huge sleek hideous monster from the dawn of time.

This was no pretend Nessie, no member of Al-Nessyquada. This was ancient, terrible and angry. It gave out a roar that froze the spines of all listening, a roar that vibrated deep into their very souls and spoke of unseen and glittering horror.

It was just about to attack when, to the faint sound of "That was my damn murt!", an out of control spaceship came thundering down and struck it right between the eyes.

[STEED]

Meanwhile back in the White House, Dick loads up his guns “Mr President forget the attack on Scotland we may need the nukes if I fail” “Dick you are a brave man here have a medal.” The little green men now surrounded the White House hundreds of them. Dick charges out blasting away with his shot guns “Take that you Iranian ET’s you don’t fool me. “Hey watch where you’re shooting” “Darn another high court judge” back in the White House George is on the phone to Tony Blair.

“Tony relax we are not bombing Scotland” “What’s that you say” pause “That’s Dick outside taking care of some little green men, no Tony it’s not world war three yet, got to go bye” George shouts out the widow. “How’s it going Dick” “All under control Mr President” “Glad to hear it” Back in London Tony has been told some very strange news.