To the citizens of the United States of America

[lesrae]

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. February 16th will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in Britain. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An Inland Revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Regards
H M Government of the American Colonies

[The Avon Lady]

This has been circulating on the Internet for a number of years now.

[lesrae]

This has been circulating on the Internet for a number of years now.

Correct, I hadn't seen it here before though.

[Torpedo Fodder]

This goes back all the way to the 2000 election, but a thread about "revocation" this just wouldn't be complete without the American response:

TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

[lesrae]

This goes back all the way to the 2000 election, but a thread about "revocation" this just wouldn't be complete without the American response:

Nice! I hadn't seen that before :lol:

[Type941]

hehe, couple of spot on points on both sides. :know: But overall, a weak side by the brits. Easily rebutted as proven.

Didn't know about aluminium though!

[The Avon Lady]

And all these years have passed and still no apology for the TeleTubbies. :down:

[Kapitan]

I hated them, they taught my cousin and two nices and three nephews, and grand nephew to talk bad english.

[The Avon Lady]

I hated them, they taught my cousin and two nices and three nephews, and grand nephew to talk bad english.
"............. to speak poor English."

:P

[Fish]

This goes back all the way to the 2000 election, but a thread about "revocation" this just wouldn't be complete without the American response:

TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

Pitty the part about, lawyers, Guns and therapists is carefully evaded.

[Type941]

I noticed that too. The guns and lawers bit, probably the only serious point, is left untouched. The part about WW2 is also a cheap shot. You didn't win it yourselves guys.

[The Avon Lady]

You didn't win it yourselves guys.
I doesn't say that.

[Sir Big Jugs]

I hated them, they taught my cousin and two nices and three nephews, and grand nephew to talk bad english.
"............. to speak poor English."

:P

How I would write it:

I hated them, they taught my cousin, two nices, three nephews and grand nephew to speak poor English.

[The Avon Lady]

I hated them, they taught my cousin and two nices and three nephews, and grand nephew to talk bad english.
"............. to speak poor English."
:P
How I would write it:

I hated them, they taught my cousin, two nices, three nephews and grand nephew to speak poor English.
Maybe you meant to say "two nice nieces." Actually, I can think of some "nasty nephews" - from my husband's side, of course. :shifty:

[Sir Big Jugs]

When I think of nices and nephews i think :dead:

[Gizzmoe]

Leave this poor guy alone, at least he now uses (some) capital letters and punctuation, that´s quite an improvement! :yep: :D

[Sir Big Jugs]

Leave this poor guy alone, at least he now uses (some) capital letters and punctuation, that´s quite an improvement! :yep: :D

Have a look at his sig!

[TLAM Strike]

I hated them, they taught my cousin and two nices and three nephews, and grand nephew to talk bad english. Who taught you? :P

[Type XXIII]

The Brits are correct about the beer as well. American beer is like making love in a canoe.

[STEED]

The Brits are correct about the beer as well. American beer is like making love in a canoe.

********** close to water
MONTY PYTHONS FLYING CIRCUS :-j

[Kapitan]

Hey i try and try at least I TRY !

[Sir Big Jugs]

Hey i try and try at least I TRY !

That's not a proper sentence. Too many "tries", the last one beeing written in only capital letters. Besides from that, I is written with a big I and there is a non-needed space between the last TRY and the "!".

I counted to 12 mistakes in a 9 word sentence! Congratulations!

[Kapitan]

I am seriously going to lamp somebody in a minuet.

[Sir Big Jugs]

Minuet? That is, according to my knowledge, not a word.

Also, the only definition of "lamp" I can see in my dictionary is the thing that makes light of electricity. So there you may have to make yourself more clear.

Two mistakes in that sentence. Congratulations! You're getting better and better!

[STEED]

I am seriously going to lamp somebody in a minuet.

Ding Ding round 1, Opps jumped the gun there :oops:

[Kapitan]

Yeah just a bit we didnt even get to punch gloves to say good luck :(

[Type XXIII]

Minuet? That is, according to my knowledge, not a word.

Also, the only definition of "lamp" I can see in my dictionary is the thing that makes light of electricity. So there you may have to make yourself more clear.

Two mistakes in that sentence. Congratulations! You're getting better and better!

Correction: a minuet is, according to dictionary.com, a stately court dance in 3/4 time.

[Sir Big Jugs]

That sentence consists of completely terrible "English".

Please rewrite it using an accurate English.

[Sir Big Jugs]

Minuet? That is, according to my knowledge, not a word.

Also, the only definition of "lamp" I can see in my dictionary is the thing that makes light of electricity. So there you may have to make yourself more clear.

Two mistakes in that sentence. Congratulations! You're getting better and better!

Correction: a minuet is, according to dictionary.com, a stately court dance in 3/4 time.

Wow! So he will "lamp me into a minuet". What a romantic man!

[Fish]

I am seriously going to lamp somebody in a minuet.
Limb? :-?

[Type941]

You didn't win it yourselves guys.
I doesn't say that.

You know perfectly well what it implies, please. The PS is done in the same patronising way as the whole 'reply'. ;)

[The Avon Lady]

You didn't win it yourselves guys.
I doesn't say that.
You know perfectly well what it implies, please.
It infers "how about showing just a bit of appreciation for what the US did for Europe not that very long ago" and nothing more.

Try to keep in mind that this is a parody no less so than the British address to the "Colonialists" at the start of this thread. :roll: In other words: lighten up! :88)

[Kapitan]

LAMP is slang for giving some one a good slap or more to the point

a good crack in the face, its what i do best :D :-j

[Sir Big Jugs]

Better and better, just five spelling mistakes!:up:

[Kapitan]

Ever heard of a joke where the wife gives the horse three chances then she shoots it?

It goes like this.

How come you have had such a long and happy marrage?
Well it all comes from our hunnymoon, we were horse riding in the grand canyon when her horse stumbled, "Thats one" she said.
Not long after that the horse stumbled again "Thats two" she said.
We rode a little more and then the horse stumbled again "Thats three" and then she pulled out her pistol and shot the horse in the head.

"My darling how could you hurt such a creature i must strongly protest" i replied

"THATS ONE"

And so we lived happily after that point on.


Choker sandwich.


THATS ONE

[TLAM Strike]

a good crack in the face, its what i do best :D :-j No matter how good you are at something there is always someone better. ;)

[Kapitan]

that is true TLAM infact i know im not the best ive lost many of my fights but got up again to fight on, its not about beating the utter sh*t out of the person its about self control knowing when to stop and when to carry on, its also about respect.

Every person i have fought wether i win or loose we have respect for each other that is because we have the same ambition to win.

But it is a good thing.

[Sir Big Jugs]

Because of my own health I will not tell how many spelling mistakes I found in those two replies. :shifty:

[Kapitan]

About 16?

[Sir Big Jugs]

About 16?

More

[Kapitan]

25 ?

[Sir Big Jugs]

26 to be precise.

[TLAM Strike]

Because of my own health I will not tell how many spelling mistakes I found in those two replies. :shifty: There were mistakes in mine? The quote part dosn't count! :P

[GT182]

Here's to it to do it, if you don't get to it to do it again. ;)

[gdogghenrikson]

1. ??

2. ??

3. ??

4. OK this one I agree with

5. There is no such thing as "US English. THERE IS NOW

6. Over my dead body

7. *see answer 6

8. I agree

9. Over my dead body

10. ??

11. not gunna happen

12. Over my dead body

13. ??

14. ??

15. not gunna happen

16. ??

17. You will cease playing American "football." ...Over my dead body

18. not gunna happen

19. ??

20. not gunna happen

[Torpedo Fodder]

Pitty the part about, lawyers, Guns and therapists is carefully evaded.

Actually it wasn't evaded at all: There are quite a few versions of this "revocation" on the Internet, the earliest of which have only 10 points and do not include any points about guns and lawyers.

This was the version that response was written to:
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To all the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Britannic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume sovereign duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

God Save the Queen!

Unfortunately, nobody bothered updating the the response to take into account the new versions.

[Mustang]

Because of my own health I will not tell how many spelling mistakes I found in those two replies. :shifty:

Look ya'll wesa got'n'usin a dogdern Anglish Professor.

I suspect that your pedantic need for proper utilization of the English language stems from a past time of ridicule for your own rendition of the English vocabulary.

Perhaps you had a lisp or Hooked-On-Phonics just did not seem to work for you. However, you should bear in mind that all current language is nothing but an improper version of what it used to be. So in effect, what you consider proper is only the current version of the language you are using. And sooner or later it will change yet again.

Before this seems off topic, I refer this for two reasons; both Choker's criticism and the joke from the H M Government of the American Colonies. Language adapts geographically so making fun of, or ridiculing another person for their use of a certain language is pointless, since it could be the local adaptation at fault rather than their personal failure to comprehend it.

BTW, its all a joke. :yep:

[jasondef]

As far as the beer comment, I agree, the domestic American lager like Budweiser is utter swill. But then again, its also the fastest growing segment of beer sales in the UK among young people. Just another example of the Brits following in the footsteps of American popular culture.

And anyone who thinks all American beer sucks hasn't been to the American Pacific Northwest in a while. The microbrew revolution is producing the best beer in the world right now. Take a visit and see!!

[Type941]

You didn't win it yourselves guys.
I doesn't say that.
You know perfectly well what it implies, please.
It infers "how about showing just a bit of appreciation for what the US did for Europe not that very long ago" and nothing more.

Try to keep in mind that this is a parody no less so than the British address to the "Colonialists" at the start of this thread. :roll: In other words: lighten up! :88)

Avon, you know every joke has only a bit of joke. those 'points' are done to redicule the stereotypes about cultures. And when they say what they do, it's not like 'hey, it's a joke, it's not true'. They just say it's a joke to get away of being responsible for what they say.

all comics do this. Jon Steward can make an ass out of bush (albeit not difficult) and get away with it because it's a comedy show. But what he says identifies with the crowd (otherwise it wouldn't be funny and popular - i.e. his daily show). If he were to compare Bush giving speech on his campaign in 2004 and 2000, and than put them against eachother in a 'debate' in real news show, he'd probably get fired the Dan Rather way.

So when you say lighten up - well, I'm fine, i can take a joke. I just don't kid myself. :know:

--------
And with that, I get a new avatar. :arrgh!:

[Ducimus]

LOL
some people call the US, Imperialist.

Now if thats true, does anyone wonder where we get that from?!

Ill give you a hint, they had lots of "colonies", and were famous for strongarming people with their navy and army of convicts! :D