are parents overprotective?

[Bilge_Rat]

Lessons from ‘The Goonies,’ and from the loss of unsupervised time for kids



I’d seen “The Goonies” a million times, but this was the first time I’d watched it in 10 years. I couldn’t believe how much I remembered. Tristan laughed at the Truffle Shuffle, and he giggled at Mouth and his … well … mouth. But then, right before the young boys followed the pirate’s treasure map into the abandoned summer restaurant — the place where the criminals were hiding out — Tristan said, “Where are their parents?”

I sat there for a moment, taking in the question. He wanted to know why a group of preteens was allowed to travel so far without parental supervision. This was something that seemed so natural to me as a child that I never gave it any notice, but Tristan, a boy being raised in 2016, didn’t know that wandering the neighborhood with friends was an option.

“That’s just the way it was back then,” I said with a shrug.

“That’s scary,” Tristan said.

We live on a loop, and when we moved into our neighborhood in suburban Oregon, it seemed safe. It seemed like the kind of neighborhood I always wanted to be in, where kids could freely ride their bikes from place to place. I grew up in a rural part of Utah and had to travel a good mile to get to my nearest neighbors with kids. But by the time I was 9, I was allowed to do that on my own. In fact, learning how to ride a bike was a rite of passage. It felt like my parents were saying, “You can now travel without me, so go on and do it. Be home before the street lights come on.”


But that isn’t the case with Tristan. We don’t let him wander alone. Mel and I arrange everything for him. We have a system: He asks to play with a friend; we call the friend’s parents; a play date is arranged. When I was a child there was no such thing as a play date. It was more of a “wander the streets until you find someone to play with” sort of thing. And then, once I found someone, we went off, sometimes to the Provo River, sometimes to another friend’s house. We were wanderers, looking for adventure, just like the Goonies. We got into trouble — mostly simple things like falling off a bike, or getting stuck in a tree — and we found ways to get out of it. I learned a lot about independence.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2016/05/10/lessons-from-the-goonies-and-from-the-loss-of-unsupervised-time-for-kids/?hpid=hp_hp-more-top-stories-2_parenting-goonies-125pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

maybe I am too old, but when I was a kid, we would spend all day outside playing with other kids, our parents would have to drag us in at night. We got into all sort of trouble, like toboganning down a steep tight run betweens trees that ended at a house where you had to veer sharply to keep from running into a wall, going up a 3 story cliff overlooking a road, dropping manhole covers into the sewers, etc. I took public transit to school when I was 8, when my 6 year old brother joined, I was put in "charge" of him.

Amazingly, we all survived, none of my friends ever got hurt and we all grew up into normal adults.

It really makes me wonder what the current over-protected/coddled generation will turn into.

[Jimbuna]

My early years experiences are not too different to yours but having been a LEO and witnessed much first hand later in life I think it hard to answer your question definitively....society and the world have changed so much....not all for the worse but certainly not all for the better either.

[vienna]

I'm a bit older than both Bilge_Rat and Jimbuna, but my childhood was also spent pretty much outside and with a fir degree of leeway. I started going downtown on the streetcars alone at about 9 or 10 years of age and I roamed about the City (San Francisco) freely. But, as Bilge_Rat points out, the conditions were very, very different. Drugs, gangs, and other sorts of activities were very low on the radar and mainly confined to areas one learned to avoid. Now those hazards are all pervasive and far more in the reach of kids. Gangs, for example, were cliquish groups given to protecting their turf by fists; now they are fully armed and have taken up agendas other than just "stay out of my neighborhood". I wouldn't really say parents are necessarily over-protective; I think they are just more realistic about the state of society and the dangers kids face...



<O>

[Jimbuna]

I put a lot of the awareness these days down to the media and ease of access to communication.

[Bilge_Rat]

that brings up the whole question of whether conditions really are worse off now than when we were kids or whether the media creates an impression that they are by sensationalizing violent crime.

If you look at statistics, murder rates in the U.S.A in 2010-12 (4.8-5 per 100,000) are basically the same now as they were in 1960-65.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_intentional_homicide_rate_by_ decade

interestingly, the murder rates were higher in 1920-50 (up to 9.7 per 100,000 in 1933) than they are now.

[u crank]

Interesting topic. As an old guy I definitely see a big change in the dangers out there. Also a big change in the attitude of most parents. Between the ages of 6 and 12 years we lived on a military base, Camp Borden Ont. Our house was at the end of a street, there was a ball diamond and then the army training ground. No fence, no guards .. nothing. Guess where we played? Our little gang would spend the summer roaming this vast playground. We would watch the tanks, sneak up on recruits and come home with live .303 ammo. Occasionally the M.P.s would chase us but we never got caught. They were too lazy to get out of their jeeps. I also learned how to smoke out there. Our parents had no idea what we were up to. Cannot imagine that to day.

On the other hand I have a 3 month old grand daughter and I guess I'm glad that her parents are very careful. The world has changed.

[Platapus]

Whether a parent is overprotective is a difficult question to answer.

Who determines how much protection is necessary? The parents.

A particular parent may be more protective than my opinion he or she should be, but what does that matter?

A parent should be as protective as they feel it is appropriate.

Personally, my opinion (as worthless as it may be) is that parents would be a lot better off paying a little less attention to what other parents do or don't do.

[Onkel Neal]

Lessons from ‘The Goonies,’ and from the loss of unsupervised time for kids

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2016/05/10/lessons-from-the-goonies-and-from-the-loss-of-unsupervised-time-for-kids/?hpid=hp_hp-more-top-stories-2_parenting-goonies-125pm%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

maybe I am too old, but when I was a kid, we would spend all day outside playing with other kids, our parents would have to drag us in at night. We got into all sort of trouble, like toboganning down a steep tight run betweens trees that ended at a house where you had to veer sharply to keep from running into a wall, going up a 3 story cliff overlooking a road, dropping manhole covers into the sewers, etc. I took public transit to school when I was 8, when my 6 year old brother joined, I was put in "charge" of him.

Amazingly, we all survived, none of my friends ever got hurt and we all grew up into normal adults.

It really makes me wonder what the current over-protected/coddled generation will turn into.

My early years experiences are not too different to yours but having been a LEO and witnessed much first hand later in life I think it hard to answer your question definitively....society and the world have changed so much....not all for the worse but certainly not all for the better either.

Same here. I built a fort on an island about 2 miles from home, and went 6-7 miles into the woods to trap raccoons and shoot squirrels. When I was dropped off in the city at my cousin's house, we would bike anywhere we wanted, all the way across town (small town, about 12,000 people). Most of my childhood was unsupervised. I think that's where our generation gets our independence and self-reliance.

[Aktungbby]

Interesting topic. As an old guy I definitely see a big change in the dangers out there. Also a big change in the attitude of most parents. Our parents had no idea what we were up to. Cannot imagine that to day.

On the other hand I have a 3 month old grand daughter and I guess I'm glad that her parents are very careful. The world has changed.The expression I've heard for the era we were raised in is 'benign neglect' :O: Aside from organized little league and YMCA camp, we were told to "go play outdoors'. No one would steal a kid in themthar days....and there were boom baby boomers to spare; a Post WWII fecundity explosion??!!:O: Nowadays with only one or two expen$ive-2-rear offspring: great emphasis on care, protection and safety... schoolyard shootings and E-mail bullying having become serious factors. In my neighborhood, with the kids perhaps out in the street skateboarding or shooting buckets; a strange vehicle parked overlong with perhaps a Cable Co. supervisor doing his paperwork or weird looking door2door solicitor, gets me, or any dad that's convenient, summoned by a concerned mom to investigate within 20 minutes. The cooperative persons thus queried by me have related it's quite common in all neighborhoods and always present a credential on request.

[Commander Wallace]

This is a difficult question to answer. Like most here, I was independent and either biked, walked or jumped on a bus and went whenever I wanted when I was a kid. Some of my best memories were the baseball / softball and football games the boys and girls in the neighborhood played. The owner of the field left it undeveloped for the kids in the neighborhood. It was as great a time as it was innocent. A number of us later on would play Ice Hockey on a small frozen pond. They were such great times.

We as adults tend to look at the problems of teens and dismiss them from our own perspective as being small matters. After all, what do kids know of paying a mortgage and the like ? What is forgotten is, although teens problems may seem small by comparison, so is their ability to deal effectively with their problems. Kids can be pretty cruel to their classmates if they develop faster than their peers they go to school with. I think kids today face challenges most here never had to deal with.

Markus / Mapuc with regards to his gifted niece and I think fireftr18, mentioned something similar in past posts here in the forum. The truth is, with the availability of drugs and bullying and peer pressure, both in school and out and social media bullying as well, parents are having a hard time keeping their children safe and on an even keel. Even worse is when these same precious kids sadly take their own lives from an inability to deal with everything being thrown at them. Inevitably , parents will forever blame themselves for not seeing the " signs " or not being able to help their children through a difficult time.


I think social media conspires against our kids and is generally more harmful to kids than helpful. I think if parents today recognize that and have an honest and open dialog with their children, it will go a long way toward fostering self esteem in these kids which will protect them to a degree from the Ills of society. If kids have understanding and acceptance at home, they will be less likely to look for it outside the home from " destructive influences "

The problem is, households today usually have both parents working just to make ends meet. The point is, parents today have so much working against them with regards to raising their children safely.

[AVGWarhawk]

I had lots of fun with tennis balls, tennis ball cans and lighter fluid. :D Yes, I spent all day with my buds. I used my bike to get everywhere as well as a skate board. Came home only when I heard the bell my mom would ring when dinner was ready.


As far as drugs, alcohol and bullies...we had them all in the 80's (when I was a teenager). All three were available at any given time. Yet, a majority did keep on even keel. Sure, some of the students in my school did get in very deep trouble with the vices. Accidents that killed(DUI) and other injuries from doing just stupid things.

Social media IMO only has helped other see what has been going on for a long time.

[Betonov]

At least in my area they're not.
Playing outside, walking around the neighbour houses to play with their dogs, bringing said neighbours dogs to their own houses to play with them, soap box derbies down the hill so I have to drive like an idiot that I don't hit anyone and my dog that chases them, digging trough my compost pile like it's a sandbox, archery and airsoft...

And nobody dies

[AVGWarhawk]

The problem is, households today usually have both parents working just to make ends meet. The point is, parents today have so much working against them with regards to raising their children safely.


I agree that does play a large part. Some kids are just left to their own devices. Some parents do not parent but see their kids as grown adults and will make the right decisions. That is the first mistake.

[Commander Wallace]

I had lots of fun with tennis balls, tennis ball cans and lighter fluid. :D Yes, I spent all day with my buds. I used my bike to get everywhere as well as a skate board. Came home only when I heard the bell my mom would ring when dinner was ready.


As far as drugs, alcohol and bullies...we had them all in the 80's (when I was a teenager). All three were available at any given time. Yet, a majority did keep on even keel. Sure, some of the students in my school did get in very deep trouble with the vices. Accidents that killed(DUI) and other injuries from doing just stupid things.

Social media IMO only has helped other see what has been going on for a long time.

You may well be right with regards to bullies existing and drugs and alcohol being available back in the 80's and even further back. However, in going home, most had a safe haven from the outside world and I hope everyone had that. Through social media however, kids can be bullied and attacked In the relative safety in their own homes. That's where I think the current generation and ours differ.

The real tragedy is the incredible number of kids taking their own lives over what we as adults consider to be trivial matters. It's not trivial to these kids though and their losses are real, especially to their families and loved ones.


By the way, we did the same thing with beer cans taped together or pipes and tennis balls too. We were so dumb. :D

[August]

You may well be right with regards to bullies existing and drugs and alcohol being available back in the 80's and even further back. However, in going home, most had a safe haven from the outside world and I hope everyone had that. Through social media however, kids can be bullied and attacked In the relative safety in their own homes. That's where I think the current generation and ours differ.


Kids homes weren't all that safe back then, we just think they were because we didn't have every incident of child abuse no matter how small broadcasted nationally, nor were common time tested parental discipline methods like a good spanking for example considered to be acts of child abuse like they are now.

The real tragedy is the incredible number of kids taking their own lives over what we as adults consider to be trivial matters. It's not trivial to these kids though and their losses are real, especially to their families and loved ones.Tragic yes but it is something that society perpetuates when we fail to prepare our children for the slings and arrows of life. Our motto used to be: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me". This has now has morphed into "Names alone hurt me enough to demand criminal and legal action when someone calls me one that I don't like". And we wonder why so many wilt under a little pressure.

[AVGWarhawk]

You may well be right with regards to bullies existing and drugs and alcohol being available back in the 80's and even further back. However, in going home, most had a safe haven from the outside world and I hope everyone had that. Through social media however, kids can be bullied and attacked In the relative safety in their own homes. That's where I think the current generation and ours differ.

The real tragedy is the incredible number of kids taking their own lives over what we as adults consider to be trivial matters. It's not trivial to these kids though and their losses are real, especially to their families and loved ones.


By the way, we did the same thing with beer cans taped together or pipes and tennis balls too. We were so dumb. :D

Parents need to step in with social media. My wife and I monitored what our daughters were up to on the internet. There was a time limit for using the internet a well. Referring back to my earlier post parents currenlty treat their kids like adults and fully expect adult like choices. It is not the case as we see. I do not blame social media. I blame the parents that do not monitor their kids. And that is on both ends. Parents of kids who doing the bully crap and parents of the kids getting bullied. As far as taking of own lives, it happened in the 80's as well. I recall one incident my freshman year in college. A student entered her dorm room. As her room mate watched she took her desk chair to the window, stepped up on the chair and stepped out the window. Seven stories.

Tennis ball cannons!! :yeah::rock:

[Commander Wallace]

Kids homes weren't all that safe back then, we just think they were because we didn't have every incident of child abuse no matter how small broadcasted nationally, nor were common time tested parental discipline methods like a good spanking for example considered to be acts of child abuse like they are now.

Tragic yes but it is something that society perpetuates when we fail to prepare our children for the slings and arrows of life. Our motto used to be: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me". This has now has morphed into "Names alone hurt me enough to demand criminal and legal action when someone calls me one that I don't like". And we wonder why so many wilt under a little pressure.

There is probably a lot of truth there as well. As complicated as some of the issues are and parents not having a lot in the way of an instruction manual, It's amazing most do as well as they do.

Parents need to step in with social media. My wife and I monitored what our daughters were up to on the internet. There was a time limit for using the internet a well. Referring back to my earlier post parents currenlty treat their kids like adults and fully expect adult like choices. It is not the case as we see. I do not blame social media. I blame the parents that do not monitor their kids. And that is on both ends. Parents of kids who doing the bully crap and parents of the kids getting bullied. As far as taking of own lives, it happened in the 80's as well. I recall one incident my freshman year in college. A student entered her dorm room. As her room mate watched she took her desk chair to the window, stepped up on the chair and stepped out the window. Seven stories.

Tennis ball cannons!! :yeah::rock:

You and your wife are / were good parents and active in your kids lives so kudos to you both. :yeah:In reading some posts from fireftr18 and others, I'm sure there are other parents here who take the same precautions and active in the kids lives as well. Not all kids have that because of both parents holding down jobs among other reasons.

I'm not sure what the answer is but you, Aktung, August and others have provided some good and interesting counterpoints. I'm sorry about the young woman at your college. Unfortunately, I think we all have similar stories. I know I do.



Tennis ball cannons !! :rotfl2: