Teenager help!

[raymond6751]

I'm Dad to a 19 yr old who hates me. He refuses to help out at home and just plays vid games. (He also hates sub games and WW2 especially...because I like them.)

He is working, part-time, but when home won't do anything but sit at his screens. He has all the consoles and a PC, bought since he started working.

I tried cutting out the Internet for 24 hrs to "prompt" him about doing some clean-up. He blew his stack and still did nothing.

I won't boot him out, decision already made. We haven't come to blows. It is just silence between us now.

Any ideas? :dead:

[Jeff-Groves]

I'm Dad to a 19 yr old who hates me. He refuses to help out at home and just plays vid games. (He also hates sub games and WW2 especially...because I like them.)

He is working, part-time, but when home won't do anything but sit at his screens. He has all the consoles and a PC, bought since he started working.

I tried cutting out the Internet for 24 hrs to "prompt" him about doing some clean-up. He blew his stack and still did nothing.

I won't boot him out, decision already made. We haven't come to blows. It is just silence between us now.

Any ideas? :dead:

Grow a set and put him out on his own! He knows he owns you and it seems you let him.

[Schroeder]

I'm not much of a counselor and as someone who can't come to terms with his own life my advice might be worthless (and it's 2 a.m. over here...)but have you ever figured out why your son hates you? I mean he must have a reason for that feeling. If you don't know maybe you should ask him directly for the reason and what you BOTH can do about it. Booting him might destroy your relationship forever so I would safe that one as last resort (but still an option).

[Armistead]

My son is 18 and probably would sit playing video games all day if we let him. Thankfully he got into fencing last year and is fencing great his Sr. year, so that helps...and we have kept him doing other things as much as possible. Still, weekends, he'll stay up all night doing that...I read internet is like a drug addiction to many, take it away, it's like taking away their drug...

The problem is it is already a habit that should've been dealt with long ago and at his age, gonna be hard to get change without a brawl...If you're married, you and your wife got to be a team dealing with it...If he has mama on his side, you're in trouble....

Try to find things you both like to do and can do together and let him know you want to do things with him still.

I have the internet set up where I can cut it off to any pc in my bedroom, it gets cut off at his bedtime cept Friday and Sat. Still, he ain't allowed to sleep all day..

Don't be mean and don't respond with anger to his anger, but be firm. Does he have chores, does he help with bills...Demand responsibility or tell him if he wants to make his decisions and do what he wants....there's the door.

Start making life uncomfortable for him, like that movie, let him wash his clothes, cook for himself, etc..

My dad had a rule for us, we didn't have a bedtime, in fact, we could stay up late as we wanted every night, but we were getting up at 6AM.....

Regardless, he's 19. When we were that age, we were ready to leave home and go find our way in the world. Heck, I moved out at 18 the summer after high school.

[Buddahaid]

He's an adult and I know you love him but make him pay rent or find another house. Nineteen is far too old to act like a four year old.

[Platapus]

I'm not much of a counselor and as someone who can't come to terms with his own life my advice might be worthless (and it's 2 a.m. over here...)but have you ever figured out why your son hates you? I mean he must have a reason for that feeling. If you don't know maybe you should ask him directly for the reason and what you BOTH can do about it. Booting him might destroy your relationship forever so I would safe that one as last resort (but still an option).


This :up:

Talk to him but more importantly, listen to him. Really listen. The proper ratio should be 99% listening, 1% talking and 0% judging. It may take a few tries so expect to totally fail the first few times. But if a relationship with your son is important to you, it will be worth it.

I tried cutting out the Internet for 24 hrs to "prompt" him about doing some clean-up. He blew his stack and still did nothing.

Translation: you passive-aggressively tried to take control away from him, taking the decision out of his hands and using something external to get your point across. . And you were expecting exactly what type of response? I gotta be harsh, but that was not the way to handle it. You kinda made the problem worse as you have fostered a sense of resentment in your son.

I would start by apologizing for that. That is a good way to start the discussion. Besides apologizing to him will really confuse him. :yeah:

Good luck with it.

[raymond6751]

I appreciate the response, guys. Some good points.

I made mistakes earlier, trying to be too demanding and too critical in his early teen years. Too late I learned that he was in a depression, and I was contributing to it. He had a hard time in high school, trouble making friends.

He got professional help then, as I did for a work-related exhaustion. The damage was done, and the silence began.

I'm afraid he may be back into a depression, but can do nothing about it. My suggestions about talking to the doctor again are turned down flat. Being an adult now, I cannot make him get help.

The good news is that he doesn't drink, take drugs, or go out. In fact, he isn't any "trouble" at all, just stuck to his gaming. He takes his meals back to his desk!

He pays rent and a portion of the groceries bill. The issue is just that he does nothing whatever and does not want to do anything.

I'm alone, as my wife passed when he was only four.

[Wolferz]

I'm Dad to a 19 yr old who hates me. He refuses to help out at home and just plays vid games. (He also hates sub games and WW2 especially...because I like them.)

He is working, part-time, but when home won't do anything but sit at his screens. He has all the consoles and a PC, bought since he started working.

I tried cutting out the Internet for 24 hrs to "prompt" him about doing some clean-up. He blew his stack and still did nothing.

I won't boot him out, decision already made. We haven't come to blows. It is just silence between us now.

Any ideas? :dead:

It sounds like he could use some professional counseling. Or at least some educating on the matter of who pays the bills and shows responsibility for keeping up the home. He needs to know that your responsibility for his care ended when he turned eighteen. Try to express your disappointment in his actions without being hateful about it.

I would try sitting down and playing one of his games with him to show some interest in his interests but, then cut it short with the need to get some work done.
Other than that, you can only lead by example. But, don't allow him to lead you around by the nose.

[Jimbuna]

Some seriously excellent advice on here IMHO so only one thing I would add...

He must be taught to understand that there are consequences for his actions, we all have them but how you go about it I wouldn't like to suggest not having witnessed his behaviour patterns personally.

Looking at previous posts in this thread it looks like all the options are laid out but only you can choose what you believe is the correct method.

I wish you and your son every success in the days ahead.

[swamprat69er]

IF you have firearms in the house, get rid of them. Way too many depressed kids have used firearms as a solution to their depression.

[Wolferz]

I'm afraid he may be back into a depression, but can do nothing about it. My suggestions about talking to the doctor again are turned down flat. Being an adult now, I cannot make him get help. Sorry to hear about your wife passing. It could be the root of his problems.

As a single father of two after my wife bailed out, I required my children to assist in their own care.
I gave them chores to do and there was always a negative consequence for non-compliance. I used the old carrot on a stick method. I moved us to a different city for work and took them home for the weekends to visit their friends. If the housework and laundry weren't done by the time I arrived home on Friday evening the trip would be delayed while I got things caught up around the house. It didn't take them long to realize their errors and they were always ready to go after a short while.
I also sat the two of them down with me one evening while I paid the bills. That way they could see what it costs to live. It opened their eyes.

FAST FORWARD...
To wife 2.0 who lost her husband when her youngest child was a pre-teen. He was 16 when I moved into the picture and firmly set in his ways. There was some friction at first. Then I sat him down and explained that I wasn't there to take his abusive father's place or be the lord of the manor but, I would be his friend. As he grew into adulthood he began suffering from severe bouts of manic depression that culminated in a final showdown of forced hospital treatment and a threat of eviction for his actions. He might have been out of his mind but was fully cognizant of what he was doing. Manipulating his mother to get what he wanted. She finally got on board with me in taking the severe action needed. I only hope you don't have to go down that road. It seems to me that the turn is fast approaching.

As for your boy... If he doesn't wish to comply with his own care and upkeep, including mental health.
Just take him outside and show him the street and ask him if he'd like to pick a direction. Then let him know that you do have a remedy for forced treatment whether he's paying rent or not.
Above all, let him know the consequences of inaction and negative behavior. Check with a doctor, hospital or your local law enforcement for options. Then inform your son of your concern for his well being and illustrate the options you can take if he won't go for help voluntarily.
It's your castle. Be the wise King.

PS: Ask. Don't order has always worked for me. My own father didn't learn that one until I was in my thirties and my youngest brother admonished him about it.

[swamprat69er]

Sorry to hear about your wife passing. It could be the root of his problems.

As a single father of two after my wife bailed out, I required my children to assist in their own care.
I gave them chores to do and there was always a negative consequence for non-compliance. I used the old carrot on a stick method. I moved us to a different city for work and took them home for the weekends to visit their friends. If the housework and laundry weren't done by the time I arrived home on Friday evening the trip would be delayed while I got things caught up around the house. It didn't take them long to realize their errors and they were always ready to go after a short while.
I also sat the two of them down with me one evening while I paid the bills. That way they could see what it costs to live. It opened their eyes.

FAST FORWARD...
To wife 2.0 who lost her husband when her youngest child was a pre-teen. He was 16 when I moved into the picture and firmly set in his ways. There was some friction at first. Then I sat him down and explained that I wasn't there to take his abusive father's place or be the lord of the manor but, I would be his friend. As he grew into adulthood he began suffering from severe bouts of manic depression that culminated in a final showdown of forced hospital treatment and a threat of eviction for his actions. He might have been out of his mind but was fully cognizant of what he was doing. Manipulating his mother to get what he wanted. She finally got on board with me in taking the severe action needed. I only hope you don't have to go down that road. It seems to me that the turn is fast approaching.

As for your boy... If he doesn't wish to comply with his own care and upkeep, including mental health.
Just take him outside and show him the street and ask him if he'd like to pick a direction. Then let him know that you do have a remedy for forced treatment whether he's paying rent or not.
Above all, let him know the consequences of inaction and negative behavior.
I believe this is called 'tough love'.

[Skybird]

Too little biographic information, Raymond, so it does not compute. I was clinical psychologist, and mental trainer, and did some counseling job as voluntary social work as well (for a church-run service, ironically). Go out and find some real person, a pro, to talk about it. Direct personal contact when seeking advice over such social issues, is inevitable.

Don't think the internet could compensate for that. Most of the time you get just some kitchen psychology or some preset schemes in return. I am no friend of preset schemes.

[Armistead]

I appreciate the response, guys. Some good points.

I made mistakes earlier, trying to be too demanding and too critical in his early teen years. Too late I learned that he was in a depression, and I was contributing to it. He had a hard time in high school, trouble making friends.

He got professional help then, as I did for a work-related exhaustion. The damage was done, and the silence began.

I'm afraid he may be back into a depression, but can do nothing about it. My suggestions about talking to the doctor again are turned down flat. Being an adult now, I cannot make him get help.

The good news is that he doesn't drink, take drugs, or go out. In fact, he isn't any "trouble" at all, just stuck to his gaming. He takes his meals back to his desk!

He pays rent and a portion of the groceries bill. The issue is just that he does nothing whatever and does not want to do anything.

I'm alone, as my wife passed when he was only four.

I can't find the article I read not long ago that many men are checking out of society, even sexually and finding life and escape behind video games. It reported that many male teens have up to their mid to late 20's if parents will keep them up.

You're in a tough situation and with his mother passing I'm sure that has been part of his depression. I don't know a lot about clinical depression and its treatments, but I've seen a lot of people overmedicated. Just seems with many doctors they don't care about getting to the real problem, just hand out mass meds...

Attacking him at this point is probably useless, except it may force him out into the real world in which he may thrive or spiral badly. It's a difficult time, kids that age, really adults, want the privileges/rights of adults, yet few have the ability to care for themselves as adults. You have to find the right balance, attack him too much and it will just hurt his self image/esteem and he'll fight back because he thinks he's an adult.

Your job as a parent is to become unneeded. Hard concept, but that's the job, to get your child to the point he doesn't need you and wants to build a life of their own.

If he's working part time, maybe you need to encourage him into a full time job or get him in a trade school. Heck, from age 15 on I was working full time hours, I would've been too tired to stay up..

There's no quick fix, took a long time for these things to get this way and it will take many years for thing to change, but get on the right path. Seems you know drastic change isn't working, so start taking some small steps.

[Betonov]

I can't find the article I read not long ago that many men are checking out of society, even sexually and finding life and escape behind video games. It reported that many male teens have up to their mid to late 20's if parents will keep them up.


I can relate here.
Being overweight in a Balkan society is a social nigthmare and I secluded myself when I got my first computer.

Luckily I've slowly opened up until my early 20's.

I still live with my parents. I'm employed, own a car and pay my share of living costs so there's no problem with them still living here. But I'll take the first affordable chance I get to move out.

[vanjast]

I made similar mistakes with my kids, but the one thing I told them, is not to take any nonsense from anybody... so my eldest(21) told me to Sod-Off at 14 years, and my youngest (16) also told me that at around the same age. My problem was that I was driven to make them 'succeed', making the mistake of driving them hard.. in what i thought would prepare them for life.

Tragically for you, with your wife passing, is that there is no female balance and perception to your actions. My wife would explain things to me from different angle to help me see the 'errors' of my ways. This and also the female(mother) input for children is very important. Try family visits with your sisters, mother and his girl cousins.

Eventually I was apologising profusely (literally on my knees) trying to become friends again with my boys..backing off and only providing advice when asked for it, but supporting them in everything they did (within the law of course) and being firm. All through these 'battles' telling them that we loved them.

My youngest can spend days 'locked' in his room and would get very aggressive if we disturbed him. So mom and I formulated a 'battle plan' to gently wean him off PC games, but without punishment. It's a long term plan of chores, responsibilities and rewards, and it's working thus far.. and we're all great pals.

We have our spats.. but on the whole we're moving in the right direction.

It's hard to accept that they're grown up, and you have no control... but they still love you too... you must give it time to show itself.

Good Luck
Keep us posted.

[Wolferz]

Always remember,
You were his age once too and most likely had similar problems dealing with life in general. You might try relating some of your own experiences and how they turned out to make you the man you are today.

My daughter was rebellious at eighteen and I had no choice but to send her on her merry. My son is now married with two of his own and he's doing well.

[Rockstar]

You are going to get a myraid of opinion here and as concerned as we may all be about your dilema. I think that seeking out a professional you both can feel comfortable talking too, who will not choose sides and provides both of you a controlled and safe environment to communicate is the best start to finding a solution.

[raymond6751]

Thanks again to all the responders.

I think things will begin to improve, due to a chat we had today. Actually, a chat I had that opened up a conversation.

I asked him to tell me why he isn't helping out. He just said he got distracted. So I said, OK, here's what we'll do. Your next day off is tomorrow, you do the vacuuming. The Internet is off until then. He agreed.

As it turns out, he has a problem making decisions, and I had previously asked him to just pick something and do it. If I detail him, OK. So every week, first day off, we work on one of two tasks; laundry or vacuuming. He does one, I do the other, switching each week. He agreed.

By the way, he was not prescribed any drugs during his depression. Our doctor said none were recommended for anyone under 18 unless suicidal. So he got out of his just by talking to a psychologist. I had the meds.

So, I'll keep you posted...and keep listening to advice.

Thanks.
:woot:

[Wolferz]

Thanks again to all the responders.

I think things will begin to improve, due to a chat we had today. Actually, a chat I had that opened up a conversation.

I asked him to tell me why he isn't helping out. He just said he got distracted. So I said, OK, here's what we'll do. Your next day off is tomorrow, you do the vacuuming. The Internet is off until then. He agreed.

As it turns out, he has a problem making decisions, and I had previously asked him to just pick something and do it. If I detail him, OK. So every week, first day off, we work on one of two tasks; laundry or vacuuming. He does one, I do the other, switching each week. He agreed.

By the way, he was not prescribed any drugs during his depression. Our doctor said none were recommended for anyone under 18 unless suicidal. So he got out of his just by talking to a psychologist. I had the meds.

So, I'll keep you posted...and keep listening to advice.

Thanks.
:woot:
It sounds like you've made the first step in the right direction, though I am concerned about the report of him being distracted when it comes to doing tasks and making decisions. He might be bi-polar. You can research that malady online, rather than me trying to be a doctor, which I'm not.

Best of luck to you and your son.

[raymond6751]

Well, thanks again for all the responses. Things are no better, in fact worse. Two days before Christmas and we are "not talking". Actually my fault, I guess, since I blew my stack at him about snow clearing.

Now I get "yes" or "no" answers if I ask him something, nothing voluntary. He now refuses rides to work and won't eat if I cook.

I am leaving it ride. After a few days of trying, via text and emails, I am going to wait it out. Winter is here, and the harsh weather will make him want a ride on some nights. He works retail until 9:30 - 10 PM.

I can't help him with the anger, since any advice or comment from me is automatically rejected. Time will work on it. :/\\!!

[swamprat69er]

. Actually my fault, I guess, since I blew my stack at him about snow clearing.

sounds to me like you need to apologize and clear the snow yourself, or better yet shell out about a grand for a snowblower.

[Jimbuna]

Well, thanks again for all the responses. Things are no better, in fact worse. Two days before Christmas and we are "not talking". Actually my fault, I guess, since I blew my stack at him about snow clearing.

Now I get "yes" or "no" answers if I ask him something, nothing voluntary. He now refuses rides to work and won't eat if I cook.

I am leaving it ride. After a few days of trying, via text and emails, I am going to wait it out. Winter is here, and the harsh weather will make him want a ride on some nights. He works retail until 9:30 - 10 PM.

I can't help him with the anger, since any advice or comment from me is automatically rejected. Time will work on it. :/\\!!

Good luck, I know no time is a good time but especially bad at xmas time.

[raymond6751]

sounds to me like you need to apologize and clear the snow yourself, or better yet shell out about a grand for a snowblower.

I did apologize and I did have to clear the snow myself. Snowblower solution? No money for that.

I'm 64 years old and he is 19 years old. Anyway, it is more than the snow issue. We have friction issues, but talking it over is better than angry silence.

I can fix me, but I can't fix him. I'm now taking prescription anti-depression pills and waiting for an appointment with a psychologist. That helps me.

When he was a kid I could take him to a doctor but now he must agree or go on his own, if he thinks it is needed. So I'll fix myself and hope for the best.

Happy New Year, eh?

[swamprat69er]

Right back at ya, eh?