For all us married men...

[Tango589]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxtd5Hj0yxo

How true is this?:o

[Platapus]

We laugh because it is funny
We cry because it is true

[Tango589]

Amen to that, brother!

[Wolferz]

We chase those girls until they catch us.:yep: Wait! Wut!?:huh:

[AVGWarhawk]

:haha:

[Onkel Neal]

And that's why.... I'm single!:har:

[Armistead]

Yea, another old favorite of mine

"It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjkLf_X88WM

[Buddahaid]

Good one but sooo far fetched. Well maybe just a bit....... :wah:

[Jimbuna]

Getting a bit more than usual during the transitional stage from working to retirement but it'll all pan out for the best in the end.

[TarJak]

Getting a bit more than usual during the transitional stage from working to retirement but it'll all pan out for the best in the end.

:hmmm:

[Wolferz]

Yea, another old favorite of mine

"It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjkLf_X88WM

Weren't you the blonde in that video? :O:

[Jimbuna]

Weren't you the blonde in that video? :O:


Either that or the beauty at 1:16 :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjkLf_X88WM

[Armistead]

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine.".

[Sailor Steve]

Back in 1971 I saw an ad in a local newspaper:

"Wife says motorcycle goes or she does. Either one $500."

[Platapus]

I decided to get a handgun for my wife.

All in all, a pretty good trade. :D

[AVGWarhawk]

My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.

One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough"

My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked, I said "Hey buddy why are you doing that", he said "cause you came home early".

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had". The waiter joined me.

-Rodney Dangerfield.

[Wolferz]

My wife was so cold that the furnace would kick on when she spread 'em.

[Platapus]

I was returning home from a business trip. On a whim, I asked the cab driver to take me somewhere where I could get some action.

He took me to my house. :shifty:

Rodney was the best!

[Platapus]

Your wife is a lot like your car.

You love it, it's an important part of your life. Things of beauty and importance are often referred to as her.

and on a cold morning, when you really need her, she won't turn over. :shifty:

[Platapus]

How can you tell if your wife is dead?


The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.:D

[Platapus]

What is the difference between your paycheck and you dick?

You don't have to ask your wife to blow your paycheck. :shifty:

[Platapus]

A guy's idea of a perfect breakfast

You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.:D

[Platapus]

A few years ago I took a vacation to Hawaii and during it, my wife got pregnant.

A couple of years ago, I took a vacation to the Bahamas and once again, my wife got pregnant.

Last year, I went to Tahiti, and wouldn't you know it, my wife got pregnant again.

I think I better start taking my wife along on my vacations. :yep:

[Armistead]

What is the difference between your paycheck and you dick?

You don't have to ask your wife to blow your paycheck. :shifty:

:haha:

After years of marriage the man dies, so his wife has him cremated and placed in a box. Finally one windy day she takes it outside, opens it and shakes the ashes out into the wind proclaiming

"there's the blow job you always wanted..."

[Wolferz]

http://now.msn.com/groom-forgets-bride-at-gas-station-lives-to-tell-the-tale

Let's see if this guy lives to tell the tale.:huh:

[Tango589]

If you want to tell who really is mans' best friend, the wife or the dog, shut them both in your car boot (trunk). Go back an hour later and see who's pleased to see you!

[Platapus]

When a man gets married, he is thinking of

Her
the Aisle
the Alter

When a woman gets married, she is thinking

I'll
Alter
Him

A man gets married in hopes that his wife won't change, but she does
A woman gets married in hopes that her husband will change, but he doesn't. :D

[Tango589]

When a man gets married, he is thinking of

Her
the Aisle
the Alter

When a woman gets married, she is thinking

I'll
Alter
Him

A man gets married in hopes that his wife won't change, but she does
A woman gets married in hopes that her husband will change, but he doesn't. :D

Many a true word spoken in jest. :o

[Platapus]

A man is incomplete until he gets married
After that, he is finished.

[Platapus]

Grammatically, the words "being married" is considered a term.

That is also what mandatory time spent in prison is called.

Add a subject and it becomes "I am married" which, grammatically, is considered a sentence.

Which is what a judge assigns to you when society has a need to punish you for a long time.

Coincidence?

[Armistead]

The preacher gives an alter call, calling for lost souls to come get saved. An older woman comes down. The pastor looks at her husband

"Don't you want to spend eternity walking streets of gold, never to be sick again?"

The old man replied

"not now"

[Jimbuna]

The secret to a happy marriage:

Tools, Internet options, Clear history, Delete files, Delete cookies.

[Armistead]

The secret to a happy marriage:

Tools, Internet options, Clear history, Delete files, Delete cookies.

Good advice! I hate how google pops up the title of recent sites visited by typing one letter...

[Wolferz]

The secret to a happy marriage:

Tools, Internet options, Clear history, Delete files, Delete cookies.

Two words... Password Protection:03:
And Yes dear.

[Jimbuna]

Good advice! I hate how google pops up the title of recent sites visited by typing one letter...

Go here and all the auto options should be off:

https://www.google.com/webhp?complete=0&hl=en

[soopaman2]

Marraige is the ability to ignore and refrain from making fun of the vile things they do to the toilet.

My old lady took a bean and taco dump, that 5 fat guys and a plate of jalepeno peppers could not reproduce.:D

She's a skinny girl, it was disturbing.:har:

I am a bad husband. Her colon is worse!

(I am gonna eat cabbage, and give her a dutch oven, for payback and fun)

[Armistead]

And a closing argument when the 'nag'(thanks Armistead) won't relent" I'll do until MR WONDERFUL comes along"...unfortunately he never does.:k_confused: :/\\chop (mon ami-just put the rope in my hand...I'll pull it myself!):rotfl2: could I have a clean basket though?!

Don't give up, but leave AVGWarhawk alone.....

[AVGWarhawk]

The secret to a happy marriage:

Tools, Internet options, Clear history, Delete files, Delete cookies.

You sound like a professional. :hmmm:

[AVGWarhawk]

Don't give up, but leave AVGWarhawk alone.....

Yes, I'm spoken for. :up:

[Platapus]

Marriage is proof that a man and a woman can live together and not have sex.

[Armistead]

Damned with faint praise perhaps?:rotfl2::har::O:


He looks good in a wig and already has the butt of a girl....Plus he doesn't mind playing Johnny Bench..

[Wolferz]

Yes, I'm spoken for. :up:

Does she always speak for you?:03::haha:

[Wolferz]

I'm not married anymore thanks to a Bullitt County judge.
I think a bullet would've been cheaper. Though it couldn't be described as a crime of passion, they would still lock me up.:timeout:

Apologies your honor. My survival instinct got the better of me.

Same old same old

[Armistead]

I'm not married anymore thanks to a Bullitt County judge.
I think a bullet would've been cheaper. Though it couldn't be described as a crime of passion, they would still lock me up.:timeout:

Apologies your honor. My survival instinct got the better of me.

Same old same old

I hope you wait to at least 75 before you consider marriage again.

[Armistead]

Guy goes to a doctor for a prostate exam. Doctor says "ok Mr. jones, everything seems to be in order". Patient says to Doctor "Doctor, can you write a note to my wife and tell her that my head is not up there"

[swamprat69er]

Marraige is the ability to ignore and refrain from making fun of the vile things they do to the toilet.

My old lady took a bean and taco dump, that 5 fat guys and a plate of jalepeno peppers could not reproduce.:D

She's a skinny girl, it was disturbing.:har:

I am a bad husband. Her colon is worse!

(I am gonna eat cabbage, and give her a dutch oven, for payback and fun)
Pickled eggs and beer works, too.