View Full Version : A lonely ship (Balz)
"What a perfect approach," Balz said and smiled. "Sometimes I find it hard to believe how good I am at this business of sinking ships. In a minute we will raise the periscope and find out who is this lonely, fast ship racing toward his doom."
Bernard dusted the tea cozy and placed it on Balz's head. "I greatly admire your cozy warmed brain, Herr Kaleun."
"Not only you, but the rest of the crew admires my skill and hoochiewoochie." Balz smiled benignly. at the choir assembled in the control room. "Up periscope."
The scope hummed, Balz slapped the handles open and placed his eye against the eye piece. "This is schwooggie, the sea is calm and our hapless victim is a tanker. We will sink it with the deck gun."
"Oh, no, Not the deck gun," Bernard wailed..
"Well, I am not going to toss the sandwiches you have made for breakfast at it.
"But the tanker will shoot back and sink us."
Balz chuckled and assumed a heroic pose. For your pleasure and the glory of German arms, I will demonstrate my great skills as a naval, maritime, nautical gunmanship master. I just make waterborne artillery sing a delightful song of doom to the enemy."
"Can I yodel while you perform your song of doom? "Bernard asked.
"No, you will hum together with the choir." Balz tapped his tuning fork .The choir hummed
"Surface, man the deck gun."
Air hissed, U123 rose to the surface.
To be continued stay tuned for another exciting epode of the Balz chronicles
Jimbuna
07-20-13, 07:51 AM
Welcome back to the surface Alex http://www.psionguild.org/forums/images/smilies/wolfsmilies/thumbsup.gif
danasan
07-20-13, 09:22 AM
Nice one! We do need some birds fornicating the tea cozy while performing the deck gun attack... :D
desertstriker
07-20-13, 02:33 PM
what shall bernard do wrong this time i wonder.
Jimbuna
07-20-13, 03:23 PM
what shall bernard do wrong this time i wonder.
Simply breathe I should imagine :)
Can not wait to see/read the next Balz story!
desertstriker
07-21-13, 12:21 AM
Simply breathe I should imagine :)
you know thats a good point why has nobody pushed him overboard yet:har:
Jimbuna
07-21-13, 07:44 AM
you know thats a good point why has nobody pushed him overboard yet:har:
They've yet to enter into shark infested waters :)
The sea was flat like the surface of a ping pong table.. With satisfaction, Balz observed the tanker moving from right to left. "Ping the pong," He commanded.
"Huh?" Lt. Werner Schnitzel asked.
"Verbalize your question into words and sentences. so that I can understand your question when not speaking Japanese."
"I have said huh in German, Herr Kaleun. which means what does ping the pong mean in Japanese."
Balz pointed at the tanker. "See that ship agitating the ping pong effect of the sea?"
"Yes, Herr Kaleun."
"Well, be a good lad and sink it."
Like dirty laundry flapping in the wind an enemy shell flew overhead.
"The enemy is engaging us, Herr Kaleun." Bernard said.- Can we submerge so I can say Wasserbomben?"
"Tankers don¿t carry Wasserbomben," Balz said.
Another shell whirred overhea.
Balz sighed. "I guess it is time for me to demonstrate my fantastic ship sinking skill- Bring my chicken tea cozy on deck."
Balz descended from the conning tower and flexed his fingers.
Zeiler Zteve removed the cat tea cozy from Balz's head and replaced it with the pink chicken one.
The choir made chicken noises.
Balz sat at the gunner's station,. Blam. The gun fired. The shell hit directly on the bow gun of the tanker.
Balz stood to receive applause from the crew.
To be continued
Herr-Berbunch
07-22-13, 08:35 AM
:woot:
Nothing more, just :woot:
VONHARRIS
07-22-13, 08:45 AM
Now this is markmanship!
One shel - one hit!
Way to go Balz!:salute:
After bowing to his admiring crew Balz pointed at the stricken tanker. "Leutenant Schnitzel, take over the gun and please remove that nautical eyesore from the surface of the sea."
"Removing eyesore as ordered." Schnitzel took over command of the gun. The first round hit on the waterline.
"Very good shooting, lieutenant." Balz smiled with satisfaction and climbed to the conning tower.
Another round hit the tanker.
Bernard climbed through the hatch. "Herr Kaleun. . .
"Shut up, you methodical, miserable, maritime moron."
"Herr Kaleun . . ."
"I told you to keep quiet, you, you moronic rendition of a nautical abortion."
Bernard pointed at the tanker. "Herr Kaleun, you are sinking a neutral.
"Aaaaarrrrrgggghhh."
The binoculars fell from Balz's hands.
Herr-Berbunch
07-25-13, 09:51 AM
Easy mistake, we've all done it, even the professionals. Like Balz. :yeah:
Not used to Bernard being so observant though.
:haha:
As someone around here likes to say.....
"SINK 'EM ALL"
frau kaleun
07-25-13, 10:01 AM
The binoculars fell from Balz's hands.
Who cares about the binoculars? The important question is, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TEA COZY?
Jimbuna
07-25-13, 10:12 AM
:haha:
As someone around here likes to say.....
"SINK 'EM ALL"
Your forgetting one more....BE MORE AGGRESSIVE!! http://www.psionguild.org/forums/images/smilies/wolfsmilies/pirate.gif
http://www.psionguild.org/forums/images/smilies/wolfsmilies/whistle.gif
ViperDriver
07-25-13, 11:39 AM
Who cares about the binoculars? The important question is, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TEA COZY?
After Balz was demoted one step in rank for the incident, the tea cozy was promoted to Kaleun.
Ah... but Balz has an out, the ship fired first, he was simply defending himself.:yep:
:subsim:
desertstriker
07-25-13, 01:02 PM
wasn't there something in the prize rules about if any ship tries to avoid inspection or is fired on the kaluen has the authority to sink her? also depending on where they are the kaluen had clearence to sink all ships but those that where allied to germany.
Consider this:
If there are no enemy survivors, the victor gets to tell the story to his best advantage.
"We surfaced simply to ask directions (Bernard having used our nautical charts for toilet paper) and the tanker just fired at us. Their first shot disabled our dive planes so we couldn't submerge. The second shot took off my tea cozy and 1/4 inch of my topknot. We had no choice but to sink her before she sank us. Unfortunately for the tanker's crew, she was carrying high octane aviation spirits. The ship exploded and burned. Our bridge watch had their eyebrows singed as we tried to get close enough to rescue possible survivors, but alas, there were none.
Fortunately, our LI was able to free the dive planes and we are proceeding on patrol, minus 26 rounds of 8.8 cm ."
How's that for aggressive?
desertstriker
07-25-13, 01:32 PM
:k_rofl:
The binoculars presented by the Fuhrer himself made a sad clunk on the deckl Oh well, Balz thought. and renewed his heroic pose- "Cease fire," he orderedl
"Sleaze fire," Bernard yelled.
Sizzling fire," Schnitzel commanded.
Another round went into the breech and the gun boomed.
Bernard handed Balz his binoculars given bt the Fuhrer. "Here are your valued binoculars and visionary glasses."
"Get lost you bastard."
Bernard leaned over the hatch abs shouted, "torpedo loss, you bastards."
Balz watched the torpedo wake head straight for the neutral tanker and the end of his career as the Kriegsmarine´s most brilliant officer.
Lol I bet Bernard gets loaded in the tube next.:03:
Jimbuna
07-30-13, 03:46 PM
The binoculars presented by the Fuhrer himself made a sad clunk on the deckl Oh well, Balz thought. and renewed his heroic pose- "Cease fire," he orderedl
"Sleaze fire," Bernard yelled.
Sizzling fire," Schnitzel commanded.
Another round went into the breech and the gun boomed.
Bernard handed Balz his binoculars given bt the Fuhrer. "Here are your valued binoculars and visionary glasses."
"Get lost you bastard."
Bernard leaned over the hatch abs shouted, "torpedo loss, you bastards."
Balz watched the torpedo wake head straight for the neutral tanker and the end of his career as the Kriegsmarine´s most brilliant officer.
^ :har:
Warren Peace
07-30-13, 05:54 PM
:har::har::har: Good lord, this ranks right up there with Squiddy McSquid for best thing I've ever read (X3 playthrough written by NuclearSlug, side-splitting stuff).
Could Bernard fit within the breach of an 8.8cm? Seems appropriate to at least try.
Warren, this is not Balz first appearance in the forums. Do a search to find his other stories, they are worth it.:yep:
:subsim:
Eisenwurst
07-30-13, 08:25 PM
Very good. I haven't laughed so much in days.
VONHARRIS
07-30-13, 11:29 PM
The torpedo will explode prematurily and Bernard will get away with it.
danasan
07-31-13, 03:16 AM
A circle runner wouldn't be that bad in this situation :hmmm:
Jimbuna
07-31-13, 08:22 AM
Bernard will end up getting a kick in the balz.
Missing Name
07-31-13, 11:08 AM
It's all a brilliant plan by the Royal Navy to get Balz out of their hair. It's actually a destroyer, disguised as a cruise ship, painted to look like a tanker. "Renowned sub driver sinks neutral ship in cold blood!"
Gargamel
08-01-13, 08:45 AM
I was wondering if there would ever be a Balz compilation.
But then I realized, this is not the LS U-46 thread, which stands on it's own. This is more like mystery Science Theatre 3k, where the audience is much a part of the cast as the characters themselves.
The Balz stories would not be nearly as entertaining without the peanut gallery. Especially when the peanut gallery steers the plot some. (Vaguely remember Balz and FK having a rendezvous in a Tiger).
Keep it up Brag.
And you should seriously consider writing the Epic of Balz, in the format of Hitchiker's guide, or Mercury Falls. Slapstick comedy. It could be a classic....... musical........
This is not my day, Balz thought. "How do you say Friday in Japanese?" he asked no one in particular.
"Are you planning to commit seppuku on a Friday?" Bernard asked while polishing the UZO lenses.
"No, I just want it to be a good strong German Sunday with a nice French wine instead of this doomsday day of doom and desolation brought to us by dastardly damnation."
The torpedo hit the tanker and the shock wave shook the conning tower.
"Prepare to zum," Balz ordered in his parade ground style.
"Fat iz da prepare to zum," Schnitzel asked.
"Ach, I must ex'plain efferthing. Balz groused. " To zum a zumbarine is to zumb it into into the zumberzible mode on a Japanese Friday. And don't forget to close the hatches."
"Aye, Sir."
"In the German Navy we don't say aye except when speaking English in Japanese. Balz's gaze was drawn to the sinking tanker. The sight made him sad. "Take this boat down to 200 meters, I need to do some deep thinking
VONHARRIS
08-02-13, 09:17 AM
"Take this boat down to 200 meters, I need to do some deep thinking
How do you come up with that stuff? Absolutely great! :up::up:
Sailor Steve
08-02-13, 04:38 PM
I was wondering if there would ever be a Balz compilation.
Use the Search function. Type in Balz. Select Thread Titles Only. On the right side click 'Silent Hunter 3'. You'll get a list of every Balz thread ever. Start at the last and work your way forward. :D
How do you come up with that stuff? Absolutely great! :up::up:
He's a writer by trade. That's what they do. :sunny:
"Stabilized at two hundred meters," Zeiler Zteve announced.
"Is that at high or low tide?" Balz asked
"Huh?" Werner Schnitzel exclaimed. "That wasn't covered in cadet school."
"That's because you have not practiced deep thinking." Balz chuckled and poured himself a cup of tea.
"When we are two hundred meters under the sea, we are deeper than whale scheisse, which lies at the bottom. Bernard volunteered.
Balz looked around. "Who authorized this nitwit to express his lower than scheisse opinion?" Balz opened the tea cozy locker and rummaged inside until he found the pink bunny one he liked to wear when thinking of Frau Kaleun. But the tea cozy did not help. The image of thousands of tons of whale dung triggered by Bernard remained in the forefront of Balz's great mind. Again he asked, "Are we two hundred meters below the high or low tides?"
"Oh no," Bernard screamed. If we are below the low tide, we're gonna die. He hit the blow ballast button and U 123 shot for the surface.
Unable to prevent his boat from surfacing, Balz sighed. All he needed now was an enemy airplane flying in the vicinity and he stuck without compressed air and empty ballast tanks.,
Gargamel
08-13-13, 06:56 AM
Use the Search function. Type in Balz. Select Thread Titles Only. On the right side click 'Silent Hunter 3'. You'll get a list of every Balz thread ever. Start at the last and work your way forward. :D:sunny:
Yes, been there and done that, but I wonder if there will ever be a compilation of the threads.....
In fact an animated little movie with a silhouetted audience, MST3kesque, with the peanut gallery comments in bubbles would be awesome.
VONHARRIS
08-13-13, 06:59 AM
Bernard is asking for trouble
Or may trouble is Bernard's best friend! :D
Completely out of control the submarine rose out of the ocean depths. Balz felt the deck plates pushing againstt he soles of his feet.
"Goooing up," Bernard said," Next floor tea cozies and captain's toys,"
"Captain's toys?" I'll buy you a Bernardniverous giant panda" .
The submarine broke surface and Balz raced to the bridge. He flung the hatch open snd heard the throaty rumble of an aircraft radial engine..
From the bridge, he watched the airplane fly away from the sub. "Ha. ha, you merkin fools- Only me, the great Balz can surface with such impunity."
The airplane kept flying away.
Seized by uncontrollable laughter, Balz fell and rolled on the bridge deck.
Lieutenant Werner Schnitzel grabbed Balz by the shoulder. "Herr Kaleun, get up, war is serious business."
"Ha, if war was serious business we¿d wave our caps in friendly greeting at the enemy instead of shooting at each other. Man is more afraid in making new friends than meeting old enemies.".
VONHARRIS
08-21-13, 12:57 PM
. "Ha. ha, you merkin fools- Only me, the great Balz can surface with such impunity."
.
Indeed , only the greatest of the great Kaleuns can pull such a stunt off! :D
Lieutenant Werner Schnitzel grabbed Balz by the shoulder
I like the name! Ha ha.
Aktungbby
08-21-13, 01:13 PM
The sea was flat like the surface of a ping pong table.. With satisfaction, Balz observed the tanker moving from right to left. "Ping the pong," He commanded.
"Huh?" Lt. Werner Schnitzel asked.
"Verbalize your question into words and sentences. so that I can understand your question when not speaking Japanese."
"I have said huh in German, Herr Kaleun. which means what does ping the pong mean in Japanese."
Balz pointed at the tanker. "See that ship agitating the ping pong effect of the sea?"
"Yes, Herr Kaleun."
"Well, be a good lad and sink it."
Like dirty laundry flapping in the wind an enemy shell flew overhead.
"The enemy is engaging us, Herr Kaleun." Bernard said.- Can we submerge so I can say Wasserbomben?"
"Tankers don¿t carry Wasserbomben," Balz said.
Another shell whirred overhea.
Balz sighed. "I guess it is time for me to demonstrate my fantastic ship sinking skill- Bring my chicken tea cozy on deck."
Balz descended from the conning tower and flexed his fingers.
Zeiler Zteve removed the cat tea cozy from Balz's head and replaced it with the pink chicken one.
The choir made chicken noises.
Balz sat at the gunner's station,. Blam. The gun fired. The shell hit directly on the bow gun of the tanker.
Balz stood to receive applause from the crew.
To be continued
"Starboard to port": literary poetic-license only excuses so much! Otherwise the best writing in the forum I'm getting my own teacozy for enhanced realism!:arrgh!:
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