The Gospel of Cheesepuff: a Civ4 AAR

[Hottentot]

Sooo: time for another AAR then, finally! You've heard the story before: one that I have been meaning to start for ages already and only now found enough time and inspiration for it, as well as a rare moment in my life when I'm not distracted by anything else (*cough*reviews*cough*). In fact, the roots of this AAR go back to a post I wrote (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=1950491&postcount=11) last year and which Oberon and Betonov then continued (and it was Betonov's post that started it in the first place). Therefore credit to where credit is due and thank you both for sparking the idea. :)

You know, now that I think about it, I don't think I have ever said on this forum anything about what I really think about religion. Mostly because I'm not vain enough to think that anyone would really care and even if someone did, it's frankly none of your bloody business. However, everyone who has been following my AARs know that I like to make potshots at religion every now and then. Now I'm starting a whole AAR centered on that. So I guess you could read stuff in between the lines if you wanted to.

There certainly is stuff in between the lines in every single AAR I ever post, and in my case the said space between the lines is usually enough to fit a message written with cat sized letters in it. So feel free to interpret this in any way you want, but I'm saying one thing in my defense before you start: light comedy is light comedy and I have been doing it here for years. If you somehow manage to turn it into a serious philosophical statement (and I know from experience that some people on this forum will) and are hell bent on making this thread yet another 10-pager, be my guest. People like you are great material for the future AARs.

Right, end of rant. Let the story begin...


- - - - - - - - -


http://i.imgur.com/5yQTjHG.jpg
In the beginning, there was darkness, and the hand of the Lord thy God was hovering in the darkness. And the Lord thy God said:

"Where's the [beeb] monitor switch?!"




http://i.imgur.com/L0tETtf.jpg
And lo, there was the options menu!

"Oh, there it was. Huh?"




http://i.imgur.com/BrpLbld.jpg
In the beginning, the Lord thy God created the Heavens and the Earth.

"Yeah, I'm totally going to have to start a new game after that last mess I ended up in!"




http://i.imgur.com/ejJ7TdL.jpg
And the Lord thy God did point and click. And the Heaven and the Earth were created. And the Lord thy God rested, inspecting the work of his hands.

"Ooo, a film in the loading screen! Nice!"




http://i.imgur.com/dhRscQA.jpg
In the beginning, the Lord thy God created the man in his own image, in His own image He created him.

"That doesn't look like me at all. Oh well, whatever. I guess this game doesn't have a portrait editor included anyway."




http://i.imgur.com/8RCQie8.jpg
The Lord thy God created thy ancestors so that they would heed his sacred word and be loyal to him and let all their deeds be guided by His providence.

"Who are those guys again and why are they staring me?"




http://i.imgur.com/WkN0Rcm.jpg
In turn zero, the Lord thy God created a settler. And he saw that the settler was good. The Lord Thy God did point and click and lo: there was thy holy city of Godpolis.

"I would have liked Athens more, but they insisted it's in my honor."




http://i.imgur.com/iABi9z3.jpg
And thy ancestors woved to heed the sacred words of the Lord thy God and prayed him to guide them in their holy task.

"Why don't you do something already?!"




http://i.imgur.com/QQuW2xZ.jpg
And the Lord thy God, with his almighty point and click, did guide thy ancestors to the South so that their life would be plentiful and include many packets of cheesepuffs.

"Yeah, I suppose you can go in that direction or something."




http://i.imgur.com/34eDMWo.jpg
Under the guidance of the Lord thy God, thy ancestors arrived in the land of the heathens.

"Ooo, a cute little hamlet! Let's go meet new people!"




http://i.imgur.com/OX6Rcch.jpg
And thy ancestors did heed the words of the Lord thy God. And so they cried the name of the Lord thy God, charged the heathen village and burned it down and killed their men, and touched their women in unpleasant places before killing them and sold half of their children into slavery before killing the rest and ate most of the livestock before killing it too just for the sake of consistency.

"Um..."




http://i.imgur.com/vAOHoiD.jpg
And thy ancestors praised the Lord thy God for his favor in battle and promised that these new slaves would serve the glory of cheesepuff until dying of exhaustion and malnutrition under the merciless sun's scorching rays, while thy ancestors would be sipping cold cola and eating cheesepuffs.

"Uh, that's not what I meant..."




http://i.imgur.com/hXSSxYp.jpg
And after eating the heathens' last infidel hamster, thy ancestors prayed again for guidance from the Lord thy God and headed to the East.

"Yeah, better we leave before the UN hears about this..."




http://i.imgur.com/0Za7eON.jpg
While thy ancestors were seeking new lands to conquer and new heathens to subjugate into serving the might of cheesepuff, the Lord thy God did appear to them in a vision to guide them.

"Look, you got it all wrong. You don't need to kill everyone who doesn't call me God. I'm, like, omnipotent and stuff, so I really don't need you mortals to treat me like a spoiled little girl, OK."




http://i.imgur.com/cpF9lN6.jpg
And the people did rejoice for these sacred words of the Lord thy God and took them to their hearts. And the Lord thy God smiled at them and shined His light on their path so that they would come across another village of the heathens.

"OK children, now let's remember what we learned on the last lesson."




http://i.imgur.com/igmIUk6.jpg
And thy ancestors did scream, and rejoice, and jump up and down and charge down the heathens like a sickle cuts the wheat on the fields. And there was much rejoicing and praising of the Lord thy God, for he had showed thy ancestors that taking heathens to slavery instead of killing them was much more cost efficient.

"No, you got it all wrong again! Stop that! Let those people go!"




http://i.imgur.com/LIIoe40.jpg
Trusting the mighty point and click of the Lord thy God, thy ancestors did then head South, where the Lord thy God provided them with cows to replenish their much depleted cheesepuffs.

"I didn't! Those things just wandered there on their own! Do you think I have time to micromanage everything in the world?!"




http://i.imgur.com/6E03lSD.jpg
And with the new cheesepuffs thy ancestors were bountiful and the Lord thy God blessed them with more of their kind, to further spread the gospel of cheesepuff and turn the heathens away from their dark ways.

"Great, now there's more of them and I haven't even trained these first ones properly yet!"




http://i.imgur.com/2eL2XTX.jpg
The Lord thy God guided these new people like he had guided the others as well, for they were all his favored people, for they understood the culinary value of the cheesepuff.

"Yeah, we started on the Northern side of the continent, where do you think I'm telling you to go?"

[Dowly]

Oh no! Not the hamsters! :wah:

[Takeda Shingen]

YES! A new AAR! :woot:

[Oberon]

Excellent! Let the Cheesepuff Crusades begin! :up:

[NeonSamurai]

If your omnipotent... :hmmm: why is most of the world behind a fog of war?

[Cybermat47]

You're using my religion for light comedy.

It's pretty good. No complaints here.

[Hottentot]

You're using my religion for light comedy.

No I'm not unless you're a devout Cheesepuffian. It's just like I'm not using America and Americans for light comedy when I write Doltstein stories. Read the first post again. If you still recognize yourself from the AAR after doing that, then I assure you it's intended.

Moving on.


- - - - - - - - - -


http://i.imgur.com/fBE5WaW.jpg
Under the guidance of the Lord thy God, thy ancestors met new people. These were no people like them, but were no people like the heathens either, for they had an animated talking head and a name like thy ancestors.

"Finally, a voice of reason! Now let's try not to kill them, OK!"




http://i.imgur.com/ty6Ejgl.jpg
And the new people, who called themselves Americans, did bow down and compliment the might of the Lord thy God. And thy ancestors decided not to take them into slavery.

"Look, all we did was agree together not to go into war as soon as we have met. What part of basic human interaction do you fail to understand?!"




http://i.imgur.com/Ew3CbTZ.jpg
And the American people did then point thy ancestors into the direction of another people, who were like thy people, only slightly weaker, dumber and with bad culinary taste. These people called themselves Egyptians and their leader was called Hepshut of the Hat, for whom she spoke.

"Hey, hot chick!"




http://i.imgur.com/3hiBWsV.jpg
The Lord thy God let thy people continue their journey towards the new lands, while thy holy city of Godpolis did grow with the help of the new slaves toiling under the merciless sun's scorching rays.

"Sorry guys, I have no idea how to release you. I'll do it as soon as I find the manual!"




http://i.imgur.com/Dq3o2Sb.jpg
Thy ancestors on their way to the new lands did find many bountiful creatures the Lord thy God had created in his mercy. And they tasted the flesh of the mice, and the sheep, and the orangutangs, and the platypus, and the panthers after they had first tried to taste the flesh of thy ancestors.

"Darn, I was hoping those cats would eat at least one of those loonies!"




http://i.imgur.com/DAznjPy.jpg
Thy ancestors did meet lions to learn from the Lord thy God that their flesh tastes bad.

"OK, it doesn't work. Better quit these experiments before PETA is founded."




http://i.imgur.com/bkM6Wiw.jpg
In the jungles of the South, did thy ancestors meet more new people. These people were strange in their ways and their costumes and the names of their leaders and their cities were alien. They worshiped unknown gods and ate their cheesepuffs with guacamole instead of chili sauce. Thy ancestors prayed the Lord thy God to protect them from these evil people, who clearly were the anti-cheesepuffians the sacred prophecies talked about.

"Oh for the love of me, it's just an old man with colorful feathers in his hat! Stop being so melodramatic and listen to what he has to say!"




http://i.imgur.com/uOP4iCD.jpg
And the leader of these new people, the Incans, opened his mouth and spewed blashpemies in all four languages of the world against the good friends of the Cheesepuffians, the Americans and their Lincoln whom the Lord thy God had tasked to show thy people the new way.

"Um, on the other hand, please don't listen to him. Actually, just leave without saying anything. I think that would be the best."




http://i.imgur.com/ZXOzuZg.jpg
Thy ancestors departed from the tainted court of the Incas, but woved to the Lord thy God they would once return with swords and torches in their hands (as soon as they would discover the secrets of iron working). To make up for their cowardice, they promised to burn many heathen villages on their way back to Godpolis.

"But look, I don't really want you to..."




http://i.imgur.com/tUg0oQB.jpg
After sacking the heathen village, thy ancestors felt stronger and better at killing heathens. The Lord thy God showed them how to use the big end of the stick to hurt the heathen in painful ways. And thy ancestors rejoiced for this new knowledge the Lord thy God had blessed them with.

"All I said was that you could try to channel that anger of yours into making cone cows! How do you manage to turn that into a weapon?!"




http://i.imgur.com/6TfxfFc.jpg
And thy ancestors did make many sticks with big ends and prepared to bring the gospel of the cheesepuff to the people of Egypt who were still being led into the forsaken pits of potato chips by their false god The Hat.

"You're not really listening to what I'm saying, are you?"




http://i.imgur.com/Q87ZCAr.jpg
With the providence of the Lord thy God, thy ancestors found wisdom in the ancient scriptures ("they're called 'game guides'") and learned to build wooden walls around animals in order to make them less likely to escape when being slaughtered for feast.

"Well, at least using wood for the fences is wood away from being turned into sticks."




http://i.imgur.com/390Skz1.jpg
Thy ancestors did decide that there was only cheesepuff and only cheesepuff was there. Anyone not respecting the mercy and wisdom of cheesepuff was therefore to be cheesepuffed from the face of the Earth. The Lord thy God was pleased with his favored people, thy ancestors.

"No, I'm not! Why else would I have taught you religious tolerance just a few turns ago?!"




http://i.imgur.com/1BcsZ39.jpg
Guided by the light of knowledge of there being only one true Lord thy God, thy ancestors were delighted, and breakdanced and made lots of cheesepuffs and carved many sticks with big sticks and pointed them to sky so the Lord thy God might bless them with his light.

"It's the sun, not me you morons! I created it just so I could later retire to the Caribbean!"




http://i.imgur.com/t9IG4il.jpg
Thy ancestors gathered their sticks and their cheesepuffs and all the men who were not too satiated from feasting on cheesepuffs earlier and headed towards the lands of the false Hat god's hairy, unpleasant and very smelly followers.

"Sheesh, I'm supposed to be omnipotent and I can't make that smiling idiot understand that my people are bunch of raving lunatics on their way to kill her."




http://i.imgur.com/PlE5xiR.jpg
And thy ancestors screamed and jumped up and down and prayed the Lord thy God for favor in the coming battle against the evil hat idolatry.

"For the record, you're not receiving any."




http://i.imgur.com/ejv5G3B.jpg
The epic fight began. And there was much jumping up and down and much stick swinging and much falling on back in dramatic way. And the Lord thy God watched the battle unfold and with his booming voice put fear in the hearts of thy ancestors' enemies, the Hattites.

"No, it's me raising my voice to stop the bloodshed, dolts!"




http://i.imgur.com/PMneRhV.jpg
And with the favor of the Lord thy God, thy ancestors did destroy the people of the Hat, and took their lands and their people and their resource tiles and renamed the city of the Hattites to honor the Lord thy God who had granted them victory.

"In retrospect, I should probably have tried to build more settlers..."




http://i.imgur.com/TlVyrpW.jpg
Thy ancestors decided to have new caste of people, the ones closest to the Lord thy God, to rule over the heathens and beat them with big sticks until they dropped.

"Finally! People dedicated to listening to me! OK, listen! First, no beating! Then...."




http://i.imgur.com/ET4etEx.jpg
And the servants of the Lord thy God ruled over the New Godopolis in honor of the Lord thy God, writing down laws that made the existence of the Hattite people and anyone related to them a travesty in front of the eyes of the Lord thy God and therefore an offence punishable by death.

"Sigh."

[Cybermat47]

:har: This is great! :rotfl2:

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/mDmrHEg.jpg
The Lord thy God signaled his pleasure to thy ancestors through the omen of having the American people, thy ancestors' friends, come pay respect to the Lord thy God and offer free movement of thy ancestors through their lands instead of trying to get pillaged and destroyed.

"Believe me, Abe, I'm facepalming here too, but this is the easiest way."




http://i.imgur.com/YwxPFMF.jpg
And with the new treaty of free movement, thy ancestors walked through the American lands to the far, cold South where they met new, exotic animals, which they then killed into extinction.

"OK, change of plans: sending them to the tundra wearing only loincloths apparently doesn't kill them either. How unrealistic of me not to think of that when I created the world!"




http://i.imgur.com/pApUwhA.jpg
To protect themselves better from the aggressive heathens and the dark forces of false gods, thy ancestors asked the Lord thy God for guidance and He in his infinite wisdom guided them to build a huge wall around their lands. And there was much rejoicing.

"Ha! That should keep the rest of the world safe from you!"




http://i.imgur.com/lVfICdo.jpg
On turn 66 the emissary of the Incas approached thy ancestors to offer them a pact of free movement. Counting the turn number, the priests of thy ancestors came into the conclusion of it being only 600 turns away from the number of the legendary black cheesepuff spoiling beast of Aaarg and the Incan ambassador an omen of that the million headed monstrosity. And the emissary was thrown with rotten tomatoes, and eggs, and lettuce, and pancakes, and covered in syrup and pigs' nose hairs and kicked back into the general direction of his evil homelands. Thy ancestors sprinkled holy cola to the ground the beast's feet had defiled and promised to the Lord thy God to avenge the transgression.

"Yeah, I suppose he had it coming. I mean, what was he thinking, existing on the same planet as these folks?"




http://i.imgur.com/dbCZX5I.jpg
On turn 78, the Lord thy God created another settler. And the settler said: "Oh Lord! Point and click my way into making your cheesy glory come to all lands!"

"OK, now listen: P-E-A-C-E-F-U-L C-O-E-X-I-S-T-E-N-C-E!"




http://i.imgur.com/aTdWG7G.jpg
And the Lord thy God did point and click to South, towards the American lands, where thy ancestors founded thy sacred city of Fundystan. And there was much rejoicing and praising of the Lord thy God for guiding thy ancestors to have a place they could dedicate for creating more people with big sticks.

"I said 'worker', not 'warrior'! They don't even rhyme!"




http://i.imgur.com/QgC82Z8.jpg
Founding of new city included meeting lots of new, exotic animals and hitting them with big sticks.

"Sure, that's why I created them, you know. All for you. You wrote it in your scriptures, so it must be true."




http://i.imgur.com/q4eVrBX.jpg
On turn 89 thy ancestors, helped by the wisdom of the Lord thy God, had found out that making sticks out of iron was better than making them out of wood. Many slaves perished under the merciless sun's scorching rays, building the iron mine, and many thousands more were buried alive when it collapsed three months later.

"Not that it stopped you from sending more slaves there to open a new one right after that, of course. I wonder why you didn't mention that?"




http://i.imgur.com/0COoEhu.jpg
To thank the Lord thy God for His providence, thy ancestors built in a sacred place a pavillion for the blessed oracle, who interpreted the wishes of the Lord thy God to the people seeking for his guidance.

"Interpreted my wishes?! The chick is on drugs 24/7 and you call that divine providence?! OK, I've had enough! Time for good old fashioned divine intervention!"




http://i.imgur.com/xk8WFWq.jpg
On turn 93, two stone tables fell from the heaven, crushing the head of a slave walking down the street.

"Sorry about that!"




http://i.imgur.com/ZUN3rYp.jpg
Thy ancestors did read the sacred tables and took them to the oracle for interpretation. The Lord thy God had blessed them with his sacred words, guiding them to be more artistic to better serve his cheesy glory.

"Hey, it seems to be working. Why didn't I think of this earlier?"




http://i.imgur.com/B6JLs0y.jpg
Thy ancestors hurried to fulfill the will of the Lord thy God and started making pointy stones and drawing stick figures on sand. Then they started arguing whose stick figure looked most like the Lord thy God. This was the Lord thy God's way of showing thy ancestors that slinging pointy stones at people is very efficient way of killing heathens and much better than the big sticks.

"My childish optimism has again been crushed by the dumb reality."




http://i.imgur.com/fIYiXmI.jpg
To honor the Lord thy God for His guidance, thy ancestors wanted to show how peaceful and artistic they are. And so they raised a stone, and another stone next to it, and put a stone on the top of them.

"I give them divine guidance on creating art and this is the best they can come up with?!"




http://i.imgur.com/l74cKwn.jpg
Seeing a bird pooping on a cobblestone that looked like the Incan ambassador, the people knew the Lord thy God was satisfied with their offering. And they gathered lots of big sticks and went beating the first heathen they could find. And there was much rejoicing.

"At least they took their anger out on wandering barbarians instead of declaring war on anyone."




http://i.imgur.com/PhQxum8.jpg
On turn 131 the wise servants of the Lord thy God learned to count. Thus the Lord thy God showed them that killing one heathen was good, but killing two was even better.

"And here I was thinking I could occupy them by trying to memorize the pi."




http://i.imgur.com/WsxZ10M.jpg
Thy ancestors also counted the number of followers of cheesepuff and understood that the Lord thy God was not satisfied with the number. Thus, on turn 136, the Lord thy God created a missionary to preach the gospel of cheesepuff in the infidel lands.

"Perhaps converting them all to the same religion will stop the killing?"




http://i.imgur.com/ftqhkfb.jpg
With the guidance of the Lord thy God did the missionary move into the heathen filled city of Fundystan and show them the culinary joys of cheesepuff. And there was much rejoicing and feasting and cola drinking when the people of Fundystan saw the light of the Lord thy God.

"This time no one died. Progress!"




http://i.imgur.com/UEQ0ZrN.jpg
On turn 143 the Lord thy God created another settler to be pointed and clicked to settle and exploit the rich lands of now extinct followers of the Hat.

"They did have an awesome starting position, so..."




http://i.imgur.com/9WQj5Tw.jpg
And thus was thy colony of Biblebelt established to spread the word of cheesepuff!

"It's very close to those Incas, though. I wonder what will come out of this..."

[Oberon]

"It's very close to those Incas, though. I wonder what will come out of this..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ez6wfJWVCeI

[TarJak]

The Lord saw this AAR and the Lord saw it was very good.:up:

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/ysw4y5U.jpg
The Lord thy God looked the world with his overview perspective and he felt happy seeing how his favored people had thrived.

"More like wondering why aren't those other people doing anything?"




http://i.imgur.com/aktKjFb.jpg
To show His guidance to thy ancestors better, did the Lord thy God teach them the secret of the alphabet.

"Yeah, that will definitely make teaching them easier."




http://i.imgur.com/PYdfhdq.jpg
Thy ancestors looked at the letters the Lord thy God had given them. And they understood that the pointy letters were the Lord thy God's way of teaching them that a pointy thing at the end of a stick is better than only a stick. And to honor the Lord thy God did thy ancestors all en masse become warriors with sticks as pointy as the Lord thy God's letter and armor as yellow as the sacred cheesepuff which the Lord thy God had given them.

"OK, now you're stretching it with the inerpretation! I..."




http://i.imgur.com/fSlboQ6.jpg
And to thank the Lord thy God for his guidance, thy ancestors did build a shiny temple to honor Him. And many thousands cheesepuffs were sacrificed in His honor to ensure the favor of thy ancestor's Lord, the Lord thy God.

"Ooo, nice. Hey, wait a second?! If thousands of cheesepuffs were sacrificed, how come your priests ate them all themselves and I got none?!"




http://i.imgur.com/LN6CabY.jpg
In the middle of the sacred ceremony of puff eating was the temple however defiled by the evil Incan ambassador, who did touch the holy altar of puff with his guacamole stained hand and speak blasphemy about the friends of thy ancestors, the Americans.

"Yeah. This is exactly what we needed right now."




http://i.imgur.com/kjez2oV.jpg
And thy ancestors did decide that the honor of the Lord thy God had been insulted for the very last time. And they took many pointy sticks, and donned their armor as yellow as the holy cheesepuff, and covered them in the venerated cheddar and promise to the Lord thy God to go on thy holy croissanttade for the cheesepuff and not relent until either all the heathens or them lie dead in the field of battle.

"Whoa whoa whoa, let's not be hasty!"




http://i.imgur.com/UXDkCAy.jpg
Yea, the target for the croissanttade was Cuzco, the den of stinking evil and the holy city of the smelly people who did blasphemously dip their cheesepuffs in guacamole instead of chilisauce.

"I actually like guacamole. Maybe we'd rather exchange recipes and..."




http://i.imgur.com/jcSufqZ.jpg
And crossing the border of the infidels, thy ancestors did draw the image of the holy cheesepuff in the sand to bolster them in battle. And their sticks were longer and their pointy ends pointier than those of the barbarian Incas, whom thy ancestors captured alive and rubbed them with the chili sauce in unpleasant places to purge the taint of evil from them before killing them in painful ways.

"What a waste of perfectly good chili sauce. And lives of course."




http://i.imgur.com/IAZl7lI.jpg
The infidels had turned some people in the lands of thy ancestors to their dark practises as well. These heretics were killed in painful ways until they died.

"Yeah, I guess you could have expected that when you finally signed that open borders pact in drunken stupor, but your explanation is likely much more pleasant for you."




http://i.imgur.com/6SvbVIm.jpg
Thy ancestors in their cheddar covered armors did approach the cities of the heathens and hit them with their pointy sticks many many times. But alas, the false god of the heretics, the sworn enemy of the Lord thy God, had also taught his people how to make pointy stones fly and many of thy ancestors became martyrs of thy faith.

"Actually, I'm currently busy playing chess with their god Viracocha, so you martyrs take a number and form a queue."




http://i.imgur.com/9G3eJbQ.jpg
But thy ancestors were blessed with the providence of the Lord thy God and with thy hallowed Human Wave strategy, divinely inspired by the Lord thy God, charged the infidels in their city. And the Lord thy God shone His holy light on them and blessed His children.

"Your turn, Viracocha."




http://i.imgur.com/BQTy80e.jpg
And as the bodies of thy ancestors finally formed a ladder big enough for the rest to climb on the walls of Cuzco, did they scream and jump up and down and wave big sticks and eat cheesepuffs and overrun the last pointy stone thrower on the walls, who no more had pointy stones to throw.

"Darn, you captured my pawn!"




http://i.imgur.com/XvxzVsr.jpg
And thus was the unholy, tainted city of Cuzco captured by thy ancestors, who then proceeded to kill every single inhabitant of the city so that no taint of the filthy guacamole would remain to taint their cheesepuffs.

"I have a nagging feeling I should be somewhere else but...Knight, D4."




http://i.imgur.com/pBEAtDF.jpg
This victory over the infidels inspired thy ancestors to understand that the Lord thy God had led them to all new age, the age of milk and honey in which they would be bountiful and ever would their bowls be full of cheesepuffs. In this age no man would oppress man, but the other way around.

"Hey, how come my skin turned into a painting and I got a shiny circle around my head? What's happening down there?!"

[HunterICX]

:rotfl2:Oh boy this a bad thread to start of reading subsim while having your morning coffee *wipes monitor*

HunterICX

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/niGv0V4.jpg
And thy ancestors did thank the Lord thy God for their victory and cover the buildings of Cuzco with chilisauce to honor his glory before charging the infidels of another heathen den with their pointy sticks.

"What?! You're still going on about that? Stop that! Stop, I say!"




http://i.imgur.com/zx4O8Ga.jpg
On turn 187 the Lord thy God, who had granted thy ancestor many victories in wars against heathens, was honored by building a statue of gold and ivory in his honor.

"Then why did you model it after your most prominent general? My nose isn't that big!"




http://i.imgur.com/1hp8Hzt.jpg
The numerous victories of the one true faith of thy ancestors were tallying at such a godly pace that the Lord thy God blessed them with a way to remember which infidel did they stake and cover in chili sauce before the other.

"I guess there's no mention of my birthday in there, is there?"




http://i.imgur.com/e4pWAcT.jpg
To ensure that no heretics would ever more be seen on the face of the Earth which the Lord thy God had created on turn zero, thy ancestors adopted the government of theocracy, which they declared to be one true form of government and no other would be tolerated.

"Doesn't that mean I should be your boss then?"




http://i.imgur.com/ycCdg9P.jpg
On turn 196, guided by an omen from the Lord thy God, a frog jumping over a branch, did thy ancestors gather thy hallowed Human Wave again to unleash the fury of thy one true faith on the infidels and their dark ways.

"Hellooooo! I'm talking to you here! You'd rather listen to a frog than me?!"




http://i.imgur.com/EQlQOLg.jpg
While thy ancestors were on crusade against the heathens, did the unspeakable happen! In thy holy city of Godpolis did a madman, calling himself prophet, dare to proclaim he was speaking for the Lord thy God. He claimed the Lord thy God wanted peace and to stop shedding the blood of thy neighbors and love them like thyself. This mad son of a carpenter did thy ancestors then throw with lots of rotten cheese and kill him in painful ways until he was dead. Twice.

"In retrospect, I should have signed his divine mandate with flaming letters instead of mere golden ones."




http://i.imgur.com/0wQP4Rh.jpg
Thy ancestors saw that revealing the prophet was a sign of the Lord thy God to kill infidels faster so no such travesty in front of his eyes would ever again unfold.

"Oh come on, your victims are already squatting in my living room and you think I want more of them here?!"




http://i.imgur.com/mpvbLgr.jpg
And so did thy ancestors gather thy hallowed Human Wave and followed the dirty infidel road to the filthy Machu Picchu where many unwashed heretics were living their foul lives in the cesspool of manky guacamole!

"With so little brain in their warfare and with so many synonymes for unclean these guys should be cleaners rather than soldiers."




http://i.imgur.com/2EYgghc.jpg
In Machu Picchu did thy ancestors see the unholy temples of the blasphemers, which they woved to burn down, for they were much more shiny than those of thy ancestors and therefore tainted by the filthy luccre of the false gods of Incas!

"Add UNESCO to the list of my enemies then..."




http://i.imgur.com/3BT4ebM.jpg
And lo, thy ancestors met the evil ambassador of the Incas one more time to offer him the eternal mercy of the Lord thy God. But he refused to repent his evil ways and thus condemned himself to death in painful ways instead of just death in slightly-less-painful-but-still-rather-nasty-ways.

"Not a smart move, Feathers. I think I'll have to go apologize to your god in advance."




http://i.imgur.com/8DbaXNQ.jpg
And thy ancestors did scream and jump up and down and charge the infidels down like a chariot runs down a weasel and they did make sure not one infidel survived.

"Uh, Viracocha? Hello? Are you here? Hello?!"




http://i.imgur.com/6C30884.jpg
And after thy ancestors had killed the last worshiper of the evil guacamole god, did they remove his green taint from these new cities of thy people and renamed them to honor the Lord thy God so that the books of ages would bear no mention of the false god's devilish influence on the mankind and he would be forgotten forever like two days old tuna in fridge.

"You bastards killed my best buddy! And I was just about to checkmate him!"




http://i.imgur.com/FrJqkll.jpg
And so did the Lord thy God turn his gaze to thy holy overview map and look how he lands of his faithful had grown. And he felt proud, and happy, and joyous, and elated, and mirthful...

"And lonely!"




http://i.imgur.com/SfC4D2t.jpg
But thy ancestors were once more stricken by the plight of heresy, as some soldiers of thy ancestors' army had studied the dark ways of the heathens and were now demanding in loud and unpleasant way for thy ancestors to adopt these ways. Thy ancestors did shun such heresy, but felt happy for thy heretical former ancestors made no resistance when killed in nasty ways.

"Yeah, what were they thinking, actually caring about what I have tried to tell them?"




http://i.imgur.com/zbrgfEy.jpg
And to thank the Lord thy God for victory over heathens, did thy ancestors once again build a temple, which was much more cool, white, expensive, glamorous and cheesepuffey than the last temple they build.

"Nuh-uh, no way you can bribe me like that! It doesn't even have a pool!"




http://i.imgur.com/dGHC3iJ.jpg
Thy ancestors' slightly dumber, weaker and sillier friends the Americans saw thy new holy temple and lo: they embraced the faith in cheesepuff to be the one and only true faith in thy world.

"Great, so that means I'll be playing chess against myself in the future?!"




http://i.imgur.com/xZg7RBE.jpg
On turn 220 under the guidance of the Lord thy God did thy ancestors build new settlement on the coast of the impassable ocean. For the Lord thy God was wise and omniscient and knew that one day thy might need thy holy city on coast of the impassable ocean. And thy ancestors did jump up and down and scream: good idea, oh Lord!

"Of course it's a good idea! Perhaps fishing will teach you some patience."




http://i.imgur.com/PJ5PJAR.jpg
To thank the Lord thy God for this wise advice, did thy ancestors round up many thousand people who had not paid proper respect to thy hallowed cheesepuff and took all their gold and their jewels and their precious teeth and melted it to make a golden house for the Lord thy God.

"Then why didn't your current king even give me spare set of keys before moving to live in there?"

[Penguin]

Thank God for this hillarious AAR! :rotfl2:

As soons as I saw that the Cheesepuffians are based on the Greeks, I expected some good Old Testamentarian genocide - and any contact with other civs basically looking like this:
http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm78/buehring/Donald-Club/blackducks.jpg

Well, I haven't been disappointed! :arrgh!:

One question: Does God hate ships? *points screaming at the word "naval" on this website*
I heard there are some ignorants beyond the big water who worship the evil god of Erdnussflips...

[Takeda Shingen]

One question: Does God hate ships? *points screaming at the word "naval" on this website*


It's General Games.

[Hottentot]

As soons as I saw that the Cheesepuffians are based on the Greeks, I expected some good Old Testamentarian genocide


I chose them just because of the traits and early special unit. My original idea was in fact the Germans just to crack ”der sacred Panzerwagen (right there next to thy holy Stielhandgranate)” joke at some point, but then I was afraid that with this playstyle the game wouldn't last long enough for me to research them.

Horrible offtopic to derail my own thread: you should have heard how I scared my students last Monday by imitating Hitler and ranting nonsense in German in front of the class. Talk about putting those lessons I took last year in good use. :haha:


One question: Does God hate ships? *points screaming at the word "naval" on this website* Have some faith in my writing, I'm planning this stuff ahead you know. :)
That's why I have been holding ships back for a purpose, but worry not, for there will finally be ships in this very update. So without further ado...


- - - - - - - - -


http://i.imgur.com/YYe0PKz.jpg
But before the dawn had broken and thy generic omen swallow had flown across thy run of the mill omenful river, did thy ancestors' dumb and weak friends the Americans beg thy ancestors' help to smite and bring thy holy gospel of cheesepuff to the barbarian city of New York which was threatening their lands with their unholy swing music. Thy ancestors did study thy holy scriptures and concluded that it made people happy all too effectively not to be sinful.

"It's quite a catchy tune, actually, so perhaps you..."




http://i.imgur.com/kNxTWVV.jpg
And so did thy ancestors gather thy holy mob and scream and jump up and down and attack the barbarians of New York to wipe the taint of such sinful popular culture from the face of the Earth, so that thy people would once more find joy in singing monotonous hymns for the Lord thy God in D minor, for major was also deemed sinful and thus condemned in the eyes of the Lord thy God.

"Hi, Elvis. Now that you're here too, would you like a guitar?”




http://i.imgur.com/xXlQgnH.jpg
And thy ancestors did take the barbarian city of New York by force like other cities. And thy dumb friends the Americans did beg to have it back, to which thy ancestors' priests asked for divine guidance from the Lord thy God. And the Lord did grin and say:

"Sure, it's no biggie Abe."

'Bugger off, thee dumb and smelly people, for cheesepuff's reign in these lands shall be eternal from now on.'

”But that's not what I...”



http://i.imgur.com/oF5VE4r.jpg
And so did the Lord thy God guide thy ancestors to North, to assault another barbarian city, whose name has been lost in time for it was insignicant.

"Stop standing in front of it so I can read, fools! I haven't yet figured out how to change the camera's angle!"




http://i.imgur.com/0Dm5Tkh.jpg
And this insignicant city did they take from the barbarians, so that the Lord thy God's people from this moment on would know it as...

"Oh, so it was Etrus..."




http://i.imgur.com/wi7MGjk.jpg
AmInotmerciful, for truly the Lord thy God was and this virtue was inscribed in thy ancestors like thy donkey's tail is full of flies. And besides, the original name was too difficult for the "say it ten times in row with thy mouth filled with thy sacred cheesepuffs and cola" ritual.

"So just because you can't pronounce the original name, you are entitled to destroying a whole culture from the pages of history?"

And thy ancestors rejoiced, for the omen of cow saying moo twice while swatting flies with its tail indicated how happy the Lord thy God was with thy ancestors.

”...”




http://i.imgur.com/pIMsogf.jpg
On turn 256 did thy ancestors, the favored people of the Lord thy God, decide that they were the favored people of the Lord thy God and anyone wanting to dispute that was to be branded heretic and then branded with hot irons.

"How is that different from what you have been doing for the last 256 turn?"




http://i.imgur.com/dBdlZ4Q.jpg
Thy ancestors also soon found out that smelting thy hot pokers in huge cauldrons and dipping infidels in them like thy holy cheesepuff in chili sauce was not only very fun but also caused very similar reaction in infidel as thy hallowed sauce in puff.

"I don't suppose you could actually read what it says in the tech description's quote?"




http://i.imgur.com/hAlQIF9.jpg
And then thy ancestors, having eradicated the heresy from the world, asked the Lord thy God where should they use their new hot poking things. And the Lord thy God did guide them to the only other people left in the world, the Americans, who were deeply impressed with the mercy and glory of the Lord thy God and begged him to protect them.

"From the maniacs with hot irons, no doubt."

And thus did the American people show their subjugation to the will of the Lord thy God by putting in the silly pieces of flimsy green material they used for trade a text saying "In God we trust". And thy ancestors were happy and promised to treat these new slaves of the Lord thy God in fair ways and only poke them with hot irons when fairly punishing them for mistakes, when making a warning examples out of them, after being dumbed by girlfriends, when being bored, when having nothing else planned on the day's agenda and on Sundays.

"Lesson learned: when I'm planning my next PR campaign, I'm so not going to hire you again."




http://i.imgur.com/LLIPULi.jpg
And thy ancestors did steal everything the Americans had and take it to thy holy city of Godpolis to venerate the cheesy glory of the Lord thy God. And they were shocked to find out that the Americans had scriptures for a machine to make false gods!

"But that's not what it me..."

And many thousands of Americans were poked with hot irons and rubbed with chili sauce in unpleasant places to punish them for such travesty.




http://i.imgur.com/sREjjws.jpg
And so great was the fury of the Lord thy God for such heresy of these new slaves that the priests saw him demanding a sacrifice like no sacrifice was given before. And thus was thy new shiny temple constructed with the sweat and blood of thousands of slaves, who were then taken to the top of it and sacrificed so that the Lord thy God might receive the little blood they still had left from building thy new temple. And so was it ensured that as long as thy holy sacrificial practise was continued, would the Lord thy God shine his holy light on thy people today, and tomorrow, and day after tomorrow and day after the day after tomorrow and...

"Where the heck did I say I wanted that?! What kind of lame divine entity would need you to kill each other just to get up from bed every day?! This is getting crazier at alarming rate!"

And so did it happen, and there was much rejoicing.




http://i.imgur.com/JIYT00x.jpg
On turn 280 the Lord thy God signaled to thy ancestors' how happy he was by having an ostrich bury its head in sand in front of the temple. And thy ancestors understood this to mean that hiding thy head was bad and instead thee should make big steel clubs to smash the heads of the heathens before they can hide them in sand. And thy ancestors smashed the head of the omen ostrich and heard its screams and had its brain on their clothes and saw that the big steel clubs were good. And there was much rejoicing.

"How come you manage to make every species I created in the world endangered except yourselves?!"




http://i.imgur.com/T2uXqf1.jpg
And thy ancestors did ask the Lord thy God: Oh Lord! Where dost thou guide us to use these new clubs thou have granted us to better spread the word of thy cheesy glory?! And the Lord did guide them to the great library where they would read many violent comics to become better at using these new clubs the Lord thy God had granted them.

"I knew Disney was a bad choice."




http://i.imgur.com/gcZOT6w.jpg
And with the knowledge gained from thy sacred comic books did thy ancestors feel to be born again and the world be illuminated by the light of the Lord thy God. But thy eternal question did still remain: where should thy ancestors use thy new super weapon, for the Lord thy God had granted them many victories in the past and the whole world was already praising cheesepuff.

"Do you actually expect me to answer that?"




http://i.imgur.com/9agF2fw.jpg
And the Lord thy God did answer by sending the ambassador of the Americans to thy ancestors to make silly offers and insult them with his impudence. And there was much rejoicing, as his head was smashed into tiny pieces and his brain splattered on the walls of thy holy head bashing chamber.

"In retrospect, perhaps I should have answered that."




http://i.imgur.com/KureV7L.jpg
But thy ancestors did still feel that the Lord thy God was not happy with them...

"Oh really?!"

...for the omens red from the innards of the American ambassador were unfavorable. And thus did they see that the Lord thy God wanted them to instead focus on the coastal colony of Prayordie that the Lord thy God had guided them to found on turn 220...

"Er?"

...For it was the only place where they could build the magical wooden wonder platforms that could float on water like ducks.

"That's it, where's the button for the huge flood, or a giant meteor, or an earthquake, or, or, or, a zergrush of demon kittens or...anything! I bloody well know there must be one around here somewhere! I'm a freaking God, I should have one!"




http://i.imgur.com/f8ZEUqJ.jpg
And thy ancestors did rejoice when the first magic platform was ready to set sail into the proverbial sunset, to find new lands and new heathen people to bash and bring to the flock of the mercy of the Lord thy God.

"OK screw this, I'll go play Tetris!" [God ragequits]

And they felt safe in knowing that the spirit of the Lord thy God was shielding them from all the harm that might come.

[Sailor Steve]

I was thinking of posting to say how evil this is, then I thought of saying how funny it is, then I thought of mentioning how blasphemous it is, then I settled on commenting on how brilliant it is.

Then I decided that I really don't want a visit from these guys, so I decided not to say anything at all. This is me not commenting. :sunny:

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/shhgB08.jpg
And so did thy ancestors follow the light of the Lord thy God to find that the world did not end in black fog as they had first thought. For lo! There was land at the end of the journey! And thy ancestors sacrificed thousands of cheesepuffs to the Lord thy God for this new discovery and there was much rejoicing.




http://i.imgur.com/7t4Rfuc.jpg
Thy ancestors did land on the land of the heathens who wore very distinctive bright clothing with their false gods inscribed on them. And thy ancestors did ask the Lord thy God for guidance on how to treat these new people.

And the Lord thy God did answer by having thy soothsayer pick up a cheesepuff which was particularly curved. Clearly this meant these people were evil and should not be trusted, for they wore silly hats too. Thy ancestors did write in scriptures that thou should not trust people with funny hats and goatees.




http://i.imgur.com/owP8XIb.jpg
These new heathen people did show their true colors when thy ancestors did demand them to pay tribute to the Lord thy God and they refused thy ancestors' very fair and balanced offer.




http://i.imgur.com/NvPWUCT.jpg
Thy ancestors did meet many new weird people who were flimsy and silly looking and whose head was very suitable to be smashed by thy holy club.




http://i.imgur.com/HlxyWpz.jpg
Almost all of these new people did wear funny hats and had alien names and were thus shown to be evil in the light of the Lord thy God's judgement.




http://i.imgur.com/kXNY4j4.jpg
But thy ancestors did still show them mercy and agreed to trade their maps with each other to better know this new and alien land in which they had landed and in which they felt much fear, for the influence of dark forces was great in these lands.




http://i.imgur.com/RduDS1l.jpg
And as the map was revealed, thy ancestors were horrified to find out that not only did the infidels outnumber them many many times...




http://i.imgur.com/S9bnCYa.jpg
But also that these infidels all worshiped evil idols and no cheesepuff had ever graced their sense of taste with its sacred culinary euphoria.




http://i.imgur.com/GAAAZHt.jpg
Indeed, the infidels were numerous and their lands were rich but thy ancestors were stricken by fear when they saw all the evil that these people were committing. So thy ancestors did pray the Lord thy God for guidance and understood that one ship and one explorer ancestor perhaps were not enough to spread the gospel of the Lord thy God's sacred cheesepuff to these dark lands.




http://i.imgur.com/DHWM5XB.jpg
So thy ancestors did sail back home to make many heroic plays about how they made the infidels tremble in the heathen lands. This new form of art did they call "Cheesepuffianist Realism" for it depicted accurately the reality as it was to be once thy ancestors made a few more thousand pointy sticks and clubs to honor the Lord thy God.




http://i.imgur.com/XavFUPh.jpg
To see when the omens for spreading thy holy gospel of cheesepuff were right, did the Lord thy God teach thy ancestors to see his will in the stars. And there was much rejoicing as thy ancestors saw from the stars that now was the best possible time for thy hallowed cheesepuff eating championship contest.




http://i.imgur.com/1O7Y5oI.jpg
Thy ancestors' dumb and weak friends the Americans participated and there was much rejoicing until it started to seem that thy ancestors were losing. Thus did the Lord thy God with his fury smite down the American contender with an arrow from the general direction of the grassy knoll and thy holy comic book repository. And thus did thy ancestors once again prove that they were the favored people of the Lord thy God and there was much rejoicing.




http://i.imgur.com/GWM71Kl.jpg
But news soon came that made thy ancestors horrified, for they learned that there were still heathen people they had not met before. These heretics did call themselves Americans but they were like no Americans thy ancestors did know. And thus did thy ancestors see them as the Anti-Sumfink beast thy holy scriptures described in prohecies and knew that the end was nigh!




http://i.imgur.com/mwIfxyG.jpg
And so nigh was indeed the end that thy ancestors did build a huge grave in which they did bunker down and pray and jump up and down and scream the name of the Lord thy God. And on turn 313, in the year of Donald Duck, did thy ancestors see the end coming in form of glowing red storm from the east.




http://i.imgur.com/RYyAl0V.jpg
But on turn 315 did thy ancestors come out to see that the lord thy God had made the end of the world go away and turned the red glowing storm into a gentle, much less red and warm light, the hallowed light of the Lord thy God. And thy ancestors did rejoice and build a new, much cooler temple to venerate the great might and wisdom of the Lord thy God who had won the heavenly battle against the evil red anti god from the east.




http://i.imgur.com/zA0E0Ah.jpg
Indeed, thy ancestors were elated and did praise the Lord thy God with music in which they truly expressed how joyous and happy and cheerful it was to live life blessed by the Lord thy God. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=393ljctkNVA)

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/gtcVxKy.jpg
On turn 316 thy ancestors felt that new ways should be adopted. For some people complained that the old ways were not effective enough. And thy ancestors did thus ask for the guidance of Lord thy God, who instructed them to every once in a while have an election about who should rule thy world: the Lord thy God or thy American friends' leader Lincoln.

And thus was election held. And everyone was asked to raise their hands. And everyone raising their hands for Lincoln were slaughtered with much rejoicing until they were dead. And thus was heresy from thy lands rooted out much more effectively than before. And there was much jumping up and down and praising the Lord thy God for showing thy ancestors the way.




http://i.imgur.com/8iNbKu2.jpg
However, there was still the matter of the heathen people also calling themselves American and making blasphemous offers to thy ancestors. And the Lord thy God instructed thy ancestors to treat ambassadors of people like this by killing them until they died and then doing it again backwards before sending them back home.

And by following this wise advice of the Lord thy God did thy ancestors stop the ambassadors from coming. Once again had the wisdom of the Lord thy God shown to be infallible and many cheesepuffs were eaten to celebrate it.




http://i.imgur.com/sHxqWNo.jpg
Thy ancestors, however, were not happy with their old cheesepuff eating hall and thus on turn 320 constructed a new one, much more suitable for honoring the cheesy glory of the Lord thy God's worldly manifestation. And thus did the cheddar flow from the fountains and cheesepuff packets rattle in the halls from sunrise to sunset every day and on Sundays twice.




http://i.imgur.com/loe9dgW.jpg
Thy ancestors who had always been united by thy one true faith felt that they should have their own nation, one nation with one people and one cheesepuff to rule them all. Thy ancestors did then start thinking what would be suitable borders for this new nation founded to honor the Lord thy God and concluded that one end of the world the Lord thy God had created was a good starting point and the other end would make for a good ending point.




http://i.imgur.com/NAOB8F9.jpg
To spread the word of thy new Cheesepuffian land did thy ancestors build a tower to reach the heights of the Lord thy God, in which they then installed a horn made of thousands of cows, and had thy holy message broadcasted to thy newly found citizens every hour and twice as often on Sundays.




http://i.imgur.com/1l5XDtT.jpg
And thy ancestors were happy, drinking wine and eating the fruits of the fields which thy slaves cultivated under the scorching rays of the merciless sun. And thy fields were bountiful for they were fertilized by the dead bodies of thousands of slaves who dropped from exhaustion and served the Lord thy God's will by thus bringing a distinctive sweet and sour aftertaste to thy food.




http://i.imgur.com/mxDj1Kf.jpg
And thy ancestors were many, and all trained themselves with great zeal to bash, slash, smash, crush and otherwise hurt the enemies of the Lord thy God in nasty ways.




http://i.imgur.com/w0uxkGS.jpg
On turn 323 did one of thy ancestors' faithful priests find the face of the Lord thy God in his breakfast cheesepuff. And thy priestly ancestor was stricken with fear and build a holy altar from bowls and stools to thy sacred cheesepuff in which the Lord thy God had appeared. And thy ancestor priest did bow down to the ground in front thy hallowed enshrined cheesepuff and ask: Oh Lord! What dost thou command thy faithful servant to do!

And the cheesepuff was quiet. And thy priestly ancestor at first confused. Until he understood that the Lord thy God wanted thy ancestors to demand things from other people without giving anything in return, for so had thy priestly ancestor given his question to thy breakfast cheesepuff and not be given anything in return.




http://i.imgur.com/garvr0y.jpg
And there was much rejoicing when thy ancestors saw that it had worked!




http://i.imgur.com/rzMWIR6.jpg
So did thy ancestors understand that the Lord thy God had taught them thy hallowed lesson: steal from the rich and the poor in equally fair way and give to thyself.




http://i.imgur.com/G2zylm5.jpg
And so great was the might of thy holy mission that the heathen people did bow down in fear and agree to thy terms of not bashing their heads today if they complied.




http://i.imgur.com/HxSejbd.jpg
But some heathen were so deep in their dark ways that they would not see how merciful and good the Lord thy God was and thus waved their evil fingers at thy ancestors instead. Thus did thy ancestors understand that the Lord thy God wanted them to prioritize whom to kill first and this was His divine way of showing it.




http://i.imgur.com/wSimlJp.jpg
Thy ancient enemies, the Americans who were not Americans did also comply to the will of the Lord thy God's demands, but thy ancestors knew that it was a ruse for the Lord thy God had before shown that thou should not trust people wearing feathered hats. Thus did they burn all the gifts the Not-Americans had given them and said thy holy prayer of nyah nyah nyah at their enemies the Not-Americans.




http://i.imgur.com/Tq6REvF.jpg
To show all the world the light of the Lord thy God, did thy ancestors on turn 327, with all the money they had stolen from the heathens, build a huge tower with eternal flame burning in it. Thus did they no longer get lost on the endless ocean and were much more efficient at bringing back home the gifts they had taken from the heretics.




http://i.imgur.com/rw9roV8.jpg
And on turn 327, on thy traditional "be happy or else" day were thy ancestors very happy when thy venerated high priests wore their new golden suits adorned with jewels and skins of many exotic now extinct animals and ate their cheesepuffs spiced with many exotic spices. And once was thy traditional "be happy or else" day over, did thy ancestors with joy run back to their mudhuts and sing praises to the Lord thy God in D minor.




http://i.imgur.com/9LpHfid.jpg
So great was the power of the Lord thy God that thy ancestors build in his honor a new machine with which thy holy scriptures could be copied like only thousands of slaves could before and there would no longer be obscene jokes or sinful spelling mistakes slipped in thy scriptures by unruly slave labor. And so was the Lord thy God appeased by sacrificing to him all the now obsolete scribe slaves.




http://i.imgur.com/Bv7MO7u.jpg
Of course such wide spread of thy sacred scriptures also provoked heretics to do their own printing and try to lead thy ancestors astray from the one true path illuminated by the Lord thy God's divine will.




http://i.imgur.com/hPsIo5g.jpg
Thy ancestors killed all these heretics and invented many new ways to do it more effectively in special heretic elimination buildings. And thus had a new age in the battle against heresy began and there was much rejoicing and liquidating of heretics.

[Cybermat47]

No I'm not unless you're a devout Cheesepuffian. It's just like I'm not using America and Americans for light comedy when I write Doltstein stories. Read the first post again. If you still recognize yourself from the AAR after doing that, then I assure you it's intended.


Look, it really doesn't matter. It's not insulting or anything like that. No matter how people interpret it, it's still pretty funny. Great job, keep it up. :up:

[Hottentot]

Look, it really doesn't matter. It's not insulting or anything like that.

And thus was thy hallowed point seen flying overhead and whistling monotonous hymns for the glory of the Lord thy God as it went. And the was much head scratching.

- - - - - - -

http://i.imgur.com/f9kLhM6.jpg
Thy ancestors understood soon that these new liquidation centers would need thy new resource tile of oil to work. The Lord thy God, in his infinite wisdom, had seen this from afar and thus guided thy ancestors to take from the heretics their lands where there would once be oil.




http://i.imgur.com/4ZMz4nc.jpg
But to thy ancestors horror did they learn that thy dumb and weak friends the Americans also did have this new resource called oil. And so did thy ancestors start thinking if they could ever be friends with the Americans again, for the Lord thy God had given thy sacred oil only to thy ancestors and the only logical conclusion was thus that the Americans had stolen it from thy ancestors. And thy laws did say that thieves should be killed in nasty ways.




http://i.imgur.com/WOV6Kg0.jpg
The Americans, led to the influence of dark practises of their leader Lincoln, did try to sway thy ancestors in thy city of Praisepuff to see that thy wise leaders were wrong in their accusations. And thy cities did have weak willed liberal people to demand proof of thy accusations' justification.




http://i.imgur.com/ITSZhgC.jpg
This new heresy called "critical thinking" was not tolerated, for it was a sin and a travesty in front of the eyes of the Lord thy God, who had made the world as it was. And the heretics were thus put in real work, which their liberal freeloading minds had not understood before, and a new cheesepuff eating place was thus build, for the old one was already too covered in mold anyway.




http://i.imgur.com/jglIR0w.jpg
However, not all heretics did die under the scorching rays of the merciless sun while constructing thy new cheesepuff eating hall. And thus were did the rest serve the will of the Lord thy God by testing how much it hurts to get hit with the little balls of lead shot from thy ancestors' new wondrous weapon, the boom-stick. Thy ancestors made empirical notes based on the screams of the heretics and happily concluded that the answer was: a lot. And there was much rejoicing.




http://i.imgur.com/J7th9KR.jpg
Indeed, so great was the might of boom stick that soon all the cities of thy ancestors did have heretic killing patrols patrolling streets with boom-sticks. This was especially true in the city of Infideldie where the heretics had spread their weird ways of eating cheesepuffs with sugar. And there was much boomsticking before the city had been cleansed from this taint of darkness, which no doubt originated from the lands of the Americans.




http://i.imgur.com/LyCWvm4.jpg
But making all new things proved to be very expensive. And thus, with the blessing of the Lord thy God and many many boom-sticks did thy ancestors once again make the heathen people pay them tribute for their continued right to exist despite of being an affront to the true servants of the one and only Lord thy God's cheesy glory. For the Lord thy God was merciful and so were thy ancestors heeding His holy words.




http://i.imgur.com/goPGjR0.jpg
Yea, for it was the will of the Lord thy God that these infidels would not yet be all brought in his flock, for then would no one be left to truly show the might of the Lord thy God when thy ancestors would get new, cool weapons in their wars against heresy. So had the Lord thy God planned that one day would all the people in the world see his divinely cheeseful glory when he would descend from the Heavens to walk among the mortals and with his bright light blind the eyes of the unbelievers and bury them.




http://i.imgur.com/apwwbsi.jpg
And so, while thy ancestors waited for the end of times to come, did they live happily and eat into extinction many exotic animals living in the jungles which thy slaves did clear while dying from many seemingly unpleasant exotic diseases so that thy ancestors could vaccinate themselves against them.




http://i.imgur.com/FRFwpAl.jpg
But while the life of thy ancestors was joyous and blessed by the Lord thy God, did troubling news reach them from the heathen lands, saying the infidels were growing in numbers and eating into extinction many teasty looking species before thy ancestors could use their divine right of tasting them first and mixing their flesh with thy hallowed cheesepuff and cola.




http://i.imgur.com/kyo8SWU.jpg
And to remind thy people of their divine duty, did the Lord thy God send his prophet, the great cooker of cheesepuffs, to walk among thy ancestors in Godpolis along with really cool lighting effects. And the cook was venerated and his recipes enshrined and all other kind of puffs from then on declared wrong and heretical.




http://i.imgur.com/SvlAl21.jpg
This was written down in thy new holy scripture which also guaranteed thy ancestors' inalienable right to carry fork wherever they went and not be told by the government how many pointy ends their forks would have, for thy fork was thine to defend thy faith against heresy.




http://i.imgur.com/RtqzBR4.jpg
But thy ancestors did heed the words of the prophet and saw that the Lord thy God wanted them be more effective in fighting heathens. For had it not been written in the scriptures: go the the heretics, you sluggard; consider their ways and kill them without mercy!




http://i.imgur.com/LdebKWb.jpg
And without mercy did they kill the heretics who had formerly belonged to the lands of America before falling under the influence of the dark forces. This was the Lord thy God's way of showing thy ancestors that the Americans should not be trusted anymore, for they had let it happen once and they would let it happen again.




http://i.imgur.com/f9LCvn0.jpg
On turn 381 did thy ancestors pray for the guidance of the Lord thy God on how to better spread the glory of cheesepuff. And the Lord thy God guided them to packing thy hallowed cheesepuffs in small packets, designing a fancy logo and then selling them for price much bigger than what it had cost to create them. Yea, thus did he tell thy ancestors: “Be cheeseful and let thy puffs increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the culinary extacy increase on the earth!” And this great commission did thy ancestors with great joy decide to carry out.




http://i.imgur.com/3MX6h2d.jpg
But not everyone did accept the prices of the Lord thy God's hallowed cheesepuff. Thus were thy ancestors to start a fierce battle to control the markets and take the trade away from the evil infidels and with their new monopoly let the will of the Lord thy God decide what the people of the world should pay in order not to starve.




http://i.imgur.com/LsBipOm.jpg
To fulfill the divine mission the Lord thy God had given them, thy ancestors did found many new factories in the foreign heathen lands to make cheesepuffs known on all four corners of the Earth. But the infidel children hired to work in the factories were unruly and not worth the two peanuts a day thy ancestors graciously paid them, and kept breaking thy sacred machines. Thus were thy ancestors guided by the Lord thy God to come up with machines that were easier to fix.




http://i.imgur.com/fZl6BwL.jpg
Thy heathen neighbors did try to undermine thy ancestors' work by again enticing them to open thy borders and making it easier for them to spread their evil influence in thy land. But the Lord thy God unmasked their malicious intentions and thy ancestors did laugh at them and humiliate their ambassador in funny ways before killing him until he was dead.




http://i.imgur.com/8u18eyY.jpg
Humiliating the heathen ambassador was not only amusing, but the Lord thy God had meant it so, that thy ancestors would learn all sorts of new things on gravity and velocity of an object thrown down from the top of thy highest tower.




http://i.imgur.com/5sQovMn.jpg
With this new invention did the Lord thy God reveal thy ancestors the new resource, which was very shiny and made thy priestly ancestors glow in dark, illuminated by the greenish light of the Lord thy God like it was daytime. And thy ancestors did make many slaves collect it, and thy slaves did become much better, for they grew new hands and fingers to collect thy new resource.

[Penguin]

Uranium, eh? Excellent!:Kaleun_Salivating:

http://img707.imageshack.us/img707/7629/atomicbomb.gif

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/Wx75Wcr.jpg
Despite of the blessing the Lord thy God had given to thy ancestors did the darkness creep closer and on turn 401 did thy ancestors see that the heathen influence could be tolerated no longer, for thy American former friends had now founded their unholy colony of Chicago near thy ancestral lands and were clearly aggressive and threatening the global peace which the Lord thy God had ordered thy ancestors to uphold in his name.




http://i.imgur.com/YRv8oDY.jpg
And thus did thy ancestors approach the evil leader of the Americans, the Lincoln who still did not dare to look them in the eye for he knew his lies would no longer work. Thy ancestors did have thy priestly leaders conduct the hallowed ritual of relation point divination and came into the conclusion that the Americans truly hated thy ancestors and their way of life.




http://i.imgur.com/vgdRovr.jpg
And so did thy ancestors come up with thy new jargon word "pre-emptive strike". But lo! For the Americans played evil tricks and pleaded to thy liberal minded Council of Game Mechanics and conspired with them to prevent thee from capriciously forcing your will on the other people based on you having many times more pointy sticks than they did. And there was much grumbling and renaming of American manufactured cheesepuffs into "Godpuffs" in thy ancestors lands.




http://i.imgur.com/9jBXIug.jpg
And thy ancestors did gather in thy city of Prayordie to pray thy God guidance on how to find a loophole in the laws of Game Mechanics and unleash their righteous forces of good and mercy against the forces of darkness.




http://i.imgur.com/7dh7Dzn.jpg
And under the guidance of the Lord thy God did thy ancestors understand that the time was right to build thy huge armada of outdated ships in which to unload thy mighty forces of good and mercy...




http://i.imgur.com/Ia2vZv6.jpg
...And sail to the land of infidels to bring thy holy gospel of cheesepuff in there for good. For the Lord thy God hated these people and it was his divine will for them to be killed in nasty ways until they were dead. And there was much playing of cheesy music (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGBDWER-wUI) to honor the Lord thy God and have him bless thy ancestors' great croissanttade.





http://i.imgur.com/9b0a3la.jpg
And lo! On turn 431 did thy ancestors land in same place they had landed on turn 299 and met the people who wore bright clothes and silly hats and waved their fingers at thy ancestors. Only now were thy ancestors armed much better than the last time and could a croissanttade for the Lord thy God's cheesy glory finally begin! And there was much rejoicing and screaming and jumping up and down!




http://i.imgur.com/sxBR4ls.jpg
And the hooves of the horses thy ancestors were riding did touch the sand of the Cheddar beach, did thy ancestors scream in joy and joyously threw themselves at the infidels who wre slinging pointy rocks at them from their walls. And there was much dying for the Lord thy God.




http://i.imgur.com/rL7bfcj.jpg
Thy smarter ancestors did understand soon that landing on beach was a silly idea. And so did they land land on the nearby forest instead and with their giant boom sticks bomb the city of the infidels for as long as there remained one stone on the top of another. And there was much smoke and coughing prayers for the Lord thy God to bless their aiming.




http://i.imgur.com/Rg4LaiU.jpg
And lo! So great was the might of the giant boomstick the Lord thy God had given to thy ancestors that the ruins of the infidel city was captured and ransacked and looted and robbed and otherwise cleaned of everything of value too before killing its men and touching its women in unpleasant places before killing them.




http://i.imgur.com/8gXXryn.jpg
And so great was the blessing of the Lord thy God that already on turn 433 did thy ancestors capture another town from the heathens. There the Lord thy God led them to a short and fat heretic who kept screaming about them not respecting his authority and calling them puppies not being afraid of a tiger.

Thy ancestors did not understand a word of this and thus knew that this must have been a great prophet of the infidels. Thus was he sealed in cage and taken back to Godpolis' great marketplace where he would amuse people with his insane rants for many years to come.




http://i.imgur.com/FbY5DMH.jpg
Thy ancestors hallowed Human Wave did charge forward and with every step did they praise the Lord thy God for this opportunity to bring peace and harmony to the world which He had created on turn zero.




http://i.imgur.com/MP9MJRT.jpg
And the Lord thy God smiled and encouraged thy people to destroy lots of cultural heritage with thy ancestors' giant boomsticks, for this heritage was not from the Lord thy God but from false deities of the heretics and thus idol of darkness for the forces of evil. And thy ancestors happily complied.




http://i.imgur.com/vAsfC1i.jpg
Seeing the fiery judgement of the Lord thy God approaching his heretic brother, the infidel with lots of corn did approach thy ancestors through his ambassador and tried luring them on his side by turning them into heresy. And the people did laugh and hang the ambassador upside down and carve funny sentences on his flesh with hot iron and bash him with baseball bats before leaving him for the mosquitoes to finish.

And there was much rejoicing when thy ancestors did the same to these ancestors soon after to make sure they would not spread the heretical words they had heard from the ambassador.




http://i.imgur.com/nYrGcku.jpg
On croissanttade against the axis of evil did thy ancestor see many weird wonders of the infidels before burning them down. One was a machine that shot whistling sticks at thy ancestors and hurt them in nasty ways.




http://i.imgur.com/aleNgbG.jpg
And lo, thy ancestors did pray for the Lord thy God to give them too a weapon to hurl big sticks at thy enemies. And so was the sacred rocketry discovered!




http://i.imgur.com/wRI4tWk.jpg
And thy ancestors did soon understand that rocketry was good and thank the Lord thy God for this guidance and update themselves with portable stick hurlers to hurt thy enemies in nasty ways.




http://i.imgur.com/qxYcroz.jpg
And from the heavens did the Lord thy God also drop them new kind of boomsticks. This boomstick was much better than the old one, for it had automatic fire mode.




http://i.imgur.com/ZWUNtQA.jpg
And thy ancestors did meet many infidels on their way to their towns. And they met the infidel cavalry who tried hitting them with sharp metal sticks, but the blessing of the Lord thy God made thy ancestors' aim true and all the heretics did die before getting even close. And there was much laughing at the puny technology level of the heretics.




http://i.imgur.com/enOMIhr.jpg
But the heretics were many and there was them like chunks of snot in thy nose. And fear did strike the heart of thy ancestors!

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/nGavLxe.jpg
For what would happen should they run out of turns to conquer all the lands of the infidels and let heresy reign and the glory of cheesepuff be tainted in unclean sauces? And thy ancestors did all kneel down and pray harder than ever before for the Lord thy God to deliver them from evil and give them means to blow the enemies of the one true faith to kingdom come and make His glory glow brightly over all lands now and ever after.




http://i.imgur.com/jWuEOJk.jpg
And lo! On turn 451 did the Lord thy God answer thy prayers!



http://i.imgur.com/avDHsdy.jpg
Yea, for it was written that once would all thy lands be united under one true faith and work in unison to bring the cheesy glory of the Lord thy God's cheesepuff to the world of men and turn it into one true paradise. And so did all thy ancestors join hand in hand to start building thy sacred ICBM in all corners of the land which the Lord thy God had given them.




http://i.imgur.com/3HFWbF9.jpg
And there was much rejoicing as the first missile, named in honor of the Lord thy God as "God1" was finished. And soon followed God2, God3, God4 and many many manifestations of the glory of the Lord thy God. For truly this was the ultimate sign of thy Lord's mercy, and finally had the day come when it was thy own ancestors who would Point and Click.

And the people did rejoice and dance and sing. And the ambassador of heavens, a messenger of thy might Lord thy God did come to thy people in form of humorous looking black and white bird incapable of flying like all the other birds thy ancestors had eaten into extinction. And it did hand over to thy ancestors a message, a disk of heavenly music (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7V4tOdboWA), which thy ancestors did adopt as their new national hymn.




http://i.imgur.com/Rjq3vEU.jpg
And thy ancestors did scream and jump up and down and rejoice and then point and click on the map. And when thy hallowed God1 was launched deep into the heart of the heretics, did a flash follow, a flash brighter than thy old sun, bright as the light prophesied in the scriptures, a light so bright that it was seen all the way in the heavenly kingdom of the Lord thy God.

"What was that? Who disturbs my sensitive moment of fitting colorful blocks together with each other? Huh? Hey, did I leave this running on the background?"




http://i.imgur.com/2XsGEZA.jpg
And many of thy people were blinded by the flash like it had been prophesied in the scriptures that on the day of judgement would the Lord thy God arrive on flaming chariot to judge the living and the dead and his coming would be heralded by the light brighter than anything.

"What the hell was that?! WTF have they been doing while I was gone?!"




http://i.imgur.com/LCx7VG6.jpg
And the radioactive glory of the Lord thy God did settle around the infidel city which now lay in ruins, with it's people turned into ash and its precious building into smoking rubble. And thy ancestors knew from the patterns of the smoke that the Lord thy God was pleased.

"The horror! The horror!"




http://i.imgur.com/dGHnj2G.jpg
And so it was decided that on turn 482 would thy sacred God2 be launched to another city of the infidels and send them to their evil gods to be sorted out.

"Wait? You've got more of those? How many?! I must see! I must..."




http://i.imgur.com/zklV3YT.jpg
And the bright flash did follow to signal that the judgement of the Lord thy God had come and found the infidels unworthy.

"No, stop that! Stop..."




http://i.imgur.com/DY3bmQt.jpg
And so it was as had been prophesied that thy sacred mushroom cloud would rise up and engulf the infidels of the world, leaving only the favored people of the Lord thy God to reign over the paradise.

"I said stop..."




http://i.imgur.com/wp8B8ko.jpg
And the bright light did separate the worthy from the unworthy and the living from the ash.

"...Please..."




http://i.imgur.com/5cKdh5s.jpg
And in the end were the lands of thy enemies the heretics turned into land glowing with the radioactive glory of the Lord thy God and the new, glorious age of the true faithful had thus truly begun.

"...Why aren't you listening to me..."




http://i.imgur.com/Jbj8TbQ.jpg
But to truly eradicate the heresy from the world, did the Lord thy God demand the faithful to be culled as well. And so was it decided that thy city of Biblebelt be judged with the fiery fury of the Lord thy God, for they had dipped their cheesepuffs in guacamole on turn 32.

"They destroyed it...they destroyed it all...they..."




http://i.imgur.com/jqA09eF.jpg
And the bright light did engulf thy city of Biblebelt to erase the taint of the evil from thy people and their green false god for good.

"I can't watch. I just can't..."




http://i.imgur.com/aMWjjRA.jpg
But the Lord thy God had guided thy people to build automatic defense systems in case the false gods would try to point and click at them. And thus were all the silos of thy city of Biblebelt opened and judgement weapons from thy hallowed God2864287635 to God2864287999 launched at thy own lands. And there were mushroom clouds in thy city of Praisepuff and in thy city of Prayordie and in thy city of AmInotmerciful as well.




http://i.imgur.com/G7xcHQX.jpg
And the mushroom clouds did start rising up near thy holy city of Godpolis to judge whether its inhabitants were worthy of inheriting the paradise of the Lord thy God.




http://i.imgur.com/RgKlhmi.jpg
And on turn 482 did thy city of Godpolis disappear in thy holy flash. And there was much screaming.




http://i.imgur.com/Bi4iH5D.jpg
On turn 521 did thy two remaining ancestors finally dig themselves out of thy sacred city's rubble and climb on the only stone that remained atop of another. And they raised their eyes towards the Heavenly kingdom of the Lord thy God and cried: Oh Lord, oh Lord, why didst thou thus forsake thy faithful.




http://i.imgur.com/evZ1Ug3.jpg
And the Lord thy God did facepalm. And exit to desktop. And press "Uninstall thy Civilization 4". And play Tetris instead. For He saw that Tetris was good.

Amen.