An open letter....

[Gargamel]

To the girl I'm currently seeing.

Ok, I can deal with the lupus. It sucks, but I can deal. Yeah it's a death sentence, but nobody gets out of here alive. In fact I'm more than willing to help you through the rough times, it doesn't scare me. I had to carry my to be ex wife to bathroom multiple times when her fused spine would flair. I can be a nurse if needed. Basically was my job for 12 years.

But heroin? C'mon!!! Pot I can understand, easing the symptoms and whatnot. In fact I enjoy partaking in the cannabis every now and the. But heroin?!?? I understand why are on it, but you need to stop. I know how you started and why you're still on it, but it can't go on. I don't know you well enough yet to put me foot down, I can't change you. I don't want to change you. I like who you are. But you can't be shooting up a few times a day just to get by. I understand you have to just to survive, but it can't continue.

I need you to detox. I like you a lot. Maybe too much, maybe you're just a rebound girl for me, but every time I see you, you bring a smile to my face. There's something about you that makes me care for you. But I can't continue, hell, even start, with you if your still shooting up. I know our circumstances are quite unusual, but I do want to know you better.

You need to get clean. I won't have a physical relationship, as much as I really want to, with you until then. I'm not sure if I'll be able to say that aloud though. I understand why you're unwilling to go into rehab, and I agree, it may not be a good idea. But we need to get you sober. I will sit by your side until you're clean. I will nurse you back to health until you can take care of yourself. I will help take care of your kid while we do this.

When you're ready for my help, ask.

[Gargamel]

Thanks for listening guys. I had to say it to someone, but I couldn't talk to anybody I know IRL. I like this girl, but not sure what to do.

[Sailor Steve]

We all have times of trouble, and we all need someone to talk to from time to time. Stay strong, brother.

[Armistead]

All you can do is be there for someone when they're ready. Sadly, in cases like this it's very difficult for the person, they will either hit rock bottom and seek change, face a judge or die.....

I take it she is the one with Lupus? I've lived with a serious painful illness myself for 8 years. Hope she has a good Doctor, they should be able to treat her pain and get her off herion at the same time with something like methadone.

Be a friend.

Good luck.....

[RedMenace]

>Lupus
>death sentence

It varies from person to person, but afaik you can live a long happy life with lupus. Does she have lots of physical pain? Or is she using it to deal psychologically?

Anyway, good luck man. Dealing with somebody else's addictions is a tough road to go down

[Armistead]

All you can do is be there for someone when they're ready. Sadly, in cases like this it's very difficult for the person, they will either hit rock bottom and seek change, face a judge or die.....

I take it she is the one with Lupus? I've lived with a serious painful illness myself for 8 years. Hope she has a good Doctor, they should be able to treat her pain and get her off herion at the same time with something like methadone.

Be a friend. I hope she has direct family that can intervene if needed.

Good luck.....

[Cybermat47]

You seem like a nice guy. If she's gonna die, at least she'll be with a nice guy.

And I'll pray for her.

[Skybird]

Gargamel,

be sure about yourself, make sure you really are clear about your motives. Mixing pity with private emotions like affection or love, or mixing private emotional interest with professional stuff in jobs like doctors, psychologists or social work, often is a recipe for - well, for something not good. I made that mistake once. Did not end nice. And put me to shame. I know two other such stories, also did not end nice, only increase the tragedy.

That'S probably not what you want to hear. But I mean it well, and honest.

And another truth you maybe do not want to hear if you like that girl. I say that as an ex-psychologist: watch your guard. Junkeys lie, steal and betray. They do anything needed to get their candy.

If I were you and feel privately interested in her, I would try to help her by finding a place in a therapy and detox program - and leave it to them to deal with her there. The best help you then can do for her is overwatching the situation and make sure she goes there for her meetings, or stays in there if she is goinjg stationary (and if she is on heroine, she will be stationary). They tell surgeons never to treat their own family members. That is good advise.

If you cannot make her going there, and make progress - leave her. Else she pulls you down with her.

Thus, for the time being: leave your private emotions aside. If you cannot, you are already in a position where most likely you will not help her anyway.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Whatever happens, the best of luck to you both.

[u crank]

That's a tough situation Gargamel. All we can do for you is support you and keep you and this girl in our thoughts and prayers. I wish we could do more.

All the best.

[Jimbuna]

The best of luck to both of you.

[HundertzehnGustav]

several flaws in the concept.
some random thoughts, in an attempt to assist the thinking process.

1)
she shoots, her call.
she stops, her call.

1b)
she does drugs and is your GF, you are in trouble sooner or later. your call.

1c)
take a look in the mirror: what are your calls?

2)
you define yourself as an outsider, offering involvement, but not involved yet.
So... you barely got one foot on that boat, and from what you see it rocks.
But behind the shine is hard drugs and an illness that never goes away.

3)
The shine might come DUE to the drugs.
maybe if you take the drugs away, all that is left is an illn... a death sentence.

4)
You might not know who this person is without drugs.
and insisting on detox might ruin the magic smile you get.

5)
insisting on detox makes what is currently her call, your call.
Or, in a more aggressive way: who are you to tell her how to live her life?

6)
as a result of 5), please ask yourself who, what you want to be for her.

[HundertzehnGustav]

The best help you then can do for her is overwatching the situation

If you cannot make her going there, and make progress - leave her. Else she pulls you down with her.

Thus, for the time being: leave your private emotions aside. If you cannot, you are already in a position where most likely you will not help her anyway.

good advice.

[AVGWarhawk]

A situation many have found themselves in. My thoughts? Don't attempt to play the knight in shining armor coming to her emotional rescue. Heroin. Hard driver. Time for the professionals. What next? You may help attempt to bail out the ship but learn when it's time to abandon so you don't go down with it. A harsh reality. Some people can not be reached. Be supportive. Check your emotions at the door for now.

[Jimbuna]

^Aye that :yep:

[GoldenRivet]

I mean no disrespect... Just trying to clear one part up.

You say you don't know her well enough to put your foot down and ask her to stop being a heroin addict...

But at the same time you DO know her well enough to be devoted to her care for the rest of her days?

If I started dating someone who revealed a life threatening condition, well that sucks.

If they spring being a drug addict on me as well?

That's about the time I'd have the lets just be friends talk with her.

It will be heartache enough to have her die before you're ready to let go, but you'll live on with the stigma that despite your best efforts you couldn't save her not only from her condition but her terrible addiction as well.

I think you're entering a situation filled with heartache and I think one has to love themselves enough to keep out of such situations before they can fully love another

[Gargamel]

All good messages. Received. Thank you guys.

The lupus is a minor consideration, early stages still. The smack though....

She says it's a matter of insurance for rehab. She wants off. But she needs help. We'll see. I told her I would not heckle her about it, but in no way was I enabling her. I made my views clear.

She's bad news and I know it. I should just walk away. She doesn't do it to get high (anymore), she does it to not get sick from the dt's. I've been around enough junkies over the years to know the difference. I believe her on this front.

We'll see.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, even the ones suggesting a hard line. It may come to that.

But for now, I have nothing else in my life, and this is something I am able to cling to. Does that give us a good long term prognosis? Nope. But either way, I will know I did my best for another human being, that being either sitting by her through detox or walking away right now. I seem to be happiest knowing I've been able to help others.

[HundertzehnGustav]

i would like to add ome more thing...
If you want that healing bird ( i like to think of her as on a healing path)... if you want her to heal, you have to be steady as a rock. she is not. might never be.

Therefor, think of yourself as a nuke powered aircraft carrier, hosting a flock of damaged tomcats.

Or see that you are the Rock of Gibraltar, where a healing Monkey lives.

She is not only drugs and lupus. I shall not forget that.
But take all care of yourself, before you take care of her.
else, she might not live a good life.

Be her rock, be her carrier... but with proper servicing and maintainance first!:):sunny:

[u crank]

But for now, I have nothing else in my life, and this is something I am able to cling to. Does that give us a good long term prognosis? Nope. But either way, I will know I did my best for another human being, that being either sitting by her through detox or walking away right now. I seem to be happiest knowing I've been able to help others.

God bless you. You have chosen a tough road but with the realisation of what lies ahead. I can only say that I admire that choice. If put in the same situation I can't say what I would do. There has been lots of good advice here, take it to heart. Stay strong and take care of yourself. Good luck.

[GoldenRivet]

I tried like hell to love a woman who suffers from bipolar disorder, i decided that i would tough it out and prove to her how much i care.

In the end - in order to maintain my own sanity - i searched for and found a way out of the situation.

and I'm glad to no longer be involved.

who knows, maybe it will be the greatest love you ever know, but i cant help but have the feeling you are only setting yourself up for great pain.

Like i said, a life threatening condition is one thing... an almost unshakable addiction to a serious drug is another story.

either choice you make, good luck to you

[HundertzehnGustav]

Here too. Same disorder, same motivation, same lack of clear view.

the first year was good actually. laughs, discovering the world together.

the second year i managed, with her becoming more and more homesick, me alone not being able to provide the 20+ people family she needed.

the third year i suffered and started to make her suffer... because i failed to achieve the strength i aimed for - and almost got physical.

in the beginning of the fourth year i needed more energy for preserving my own self, lest i crash and burn.

That's where i pulled the handle of the ejection seat, sent her back to where she came from- to her family, her friends, her sunshine and her beaches.

I believe though, it made sense, both of us learned valuable lessons from the years spent together.
One of the lessons is:
Advice is mostly ignored... only when you break your bones and see your blood, you learn to use your brain a bit more.