Surrounded by Idiots: A Silent Storm AAR

[Hottentot]

NOTE 25/11/12: As with the previous Oblivion AAR, Imgur is bugged and some of the pictures are vanishing from the AAR. Therefore texts and pictures don't always correlate perfectly. This is nothing I can help and a problem that at least last time fixed itself in a short time. Please be patient.

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Well, bloody finally! I've been meaning to do this for ages, and been constantly so swamped with everything that I haven't had time to even play, let alone write about anything. I have started a few attempts, but the only thing I got from those were yet another and another game written on my "use for an AAR" list.

But that's hopefully going to change now! Therefore: welcome back to the Hottentot Channel. It's time to dive behind the curtains of World War 2. Did you ever wonder where the worst morons of each given nations went to do their service? Have you ever thought what would happen if someone mistakenly formed a squad out of them? Do you think it's possible these hapless fools could accidentally save the world, but not without wrecking most of it in process?

Well, wonder no more, for now we are going to explore their exploits! In Silent Storm, the tactical squad game once hailed for its many innovations, the six worst idiots the combined might of different militaries could find, are going to bumble and crash their way through the European countryside, leaving behind lots of work for the reconstruction crews after the war. Squad Hottentot: We Work, So You Could Work!

Special thanks to Dowly who for a while ago suggested this game as AAR material. :salute:

3...

2...

1...

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CHAPTER 1: IT WAS CLEAR AND STARRY NIGHT...


Hello everyone. My name is Don Tuna. Stop laughing, it's obviously not my real name! I have to keep it secret because of my job. You know, because I don't want to kill you.

Mind you, it wasn't always like this. You maybe won't believe it, but there was a time when I was just an ordinary guy like you, and not a squad leader of a service so secret that it barely knows it exists itself. There was a time when I wasn't leading a bunch of sorry losers on deadly missions, which in fact weren't that deadly, but were made that way because the said losers were likely the saddest excuses for soldiers ever. My job was mostly to stop them maiming each other or me. Technically I was also in charge of them not maiming themselves, but if they did, I considered it a bonus.

It all started in the early 1940s. You know, those crazy times when that guy with a moustache was competing with the other guy with a moustache of which one managed to get more young men and women needlessly killed in a painful way. Meanwhile there was this guy with a hat waving his fingers at them and stuff. I wasn't so worried about that, to be honest. I managed to avoid the draft and was living a carefree life of a charming bachelor (that's what I told all the ladies, anyway). This story begins from one of those carefree nights that didn't turn out to be such carefree at all.

So there I am, like, happily walking down the street to a costume party my friend is throwing, thinking of all the free booze and the way it tends to loosen the moral principles of the opposite sex. I had decided to wear one of those army surplus officer uniforms you could get cheap back then. We thought it would be hilarious. I put on all sorts of other stuff too to make it even better and learned a great army accent too.

But then I suddenly realize I have almost no money in my wallet. Can you imagine?! Thinking I might need to hand out some bribes to the said opposite sex just in case, I decide to pay a late visit to the bank. It will be just a little delay for me. After all...


http://i.imgur.com/m4iwh.jpg
The hour is so late that there won't be almost any other customers in there...



http://i.imgur.com/i3ESl.jpg
Perhaps the aged guard Hans still dutifully standing on his post, but Hans and I are old drinking buddies, you see, so he'd understand. Maybe I'd promise him a bottle or two for his trouble.



http://i.imgur.com/HO2Xy.jpg
He'd open that huge safe for me, if all the clerks were already gone. I had seen it a few times myself. You'd need loads of TNT to blow it up. What could go wrong?



http://i.imgur.com/lu451.jpg
Well, except for a random civilian suddenly running to me and frantically yelling how the bank was getting robbed and they shot poor Hans...



http://i.imgur.com/FqW6W.jpg
...And then running away, leaving me with a fabulous WTF look on my face. Yeah, I suppose that could go wrong.



http://i.imgur.com/GYFXr.jpg
I mean, anyone care to tell me what the heck am I supposed to do here? Point my toy gun at them and hope they die from laughter when they see my costume?



http://i.imgur.com/dolPj.jpg
Not having a better plan and seeing two armed robbers approaching me, that's exactly what I decide to do. I shout "Bang" too to spook them.



http://i.imgur.com/jMyua.jpg
It didn't exactly help. And their guns don't need onomatopoetic sound effects to make a dent, which I quickly find out in a painful way.



http://i.imgur.com/jCg9j.jpg
Realizing that they are not going to surrender, no matter how heroic pose I take in this dramatic spaghetti Western life or death duel...



http://i.imgur.com/pvX5B.jpg
I decide to...uh...tactically relocate.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/BiLhB.jpg
Of course! Hans' gun is still there where they shot him! If only I could reach it and avange my good comrade, who incidentally died owing me a beer...




http://i.imgur.com/lh263.jpg
Just a few more steps! How come I always get stuck in ridiculous poses and start getting shot at just
when I'm about to reach my goal?




http://i.imgur.com/MqU5O.jpg
Uh oh...there's another robber just inside the bank...




http://i.imgur.com/4UKVg.jpg
But this gun shoots no blanks either...




http://i.imgur.com/4d2MM.jpg
As I fire a long burst with the gun, it occurs to me that I actually have no idea how to shoot. Fortunately the gun seems to be pretty skilled at it and the overly stereotypical gangster goon falls to the ground.




http://i.imgur.com/rV618.jpg
Just as I'm standing in dramatic posture over my first kill (and trying to remember just how much jailtime do you get for a murder), the ganster boss jumps me, and he sure looks mighty annoyed.




http://i.imgur.com/s0lDm.jpg
A quick burst proves no good, because apparently range somehow affects on how well you can hit the target. You learn something new every day!




http://i.imgur.com/ccMOj.jpg
Time for a tactical relocation!




http://i.imgur.com/yor9m.jpg
By the sound of it, those gangsters are not as dumb as you might expect. They have figured out that the only place I could hide in is, in fact, the bank, and are now charging through the door.




http://i.imgur.com/mxjZm.jpg
The bossman comes in first. This time I can't miss, so he bites a bullet. And a second one. And additional eight too? Sheesh, where do they sell hats like that? I want one when I'm going to home to meet the wife!




http://i.imgur.com/Oo5KX.jpg
Fortunately a few more bullets from Hans' loyal gun are enough to take care of the robbers, whose idea of storming a house is coming through the door one at a time.




http://i.imgur.com/MdDJf.jpg
The bossman is still alive though. I decide to take take him to his car, so that he can drive me to my friend's house. I'm late already!

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 2: FIRST BLOOD



http://i.imgur.com/cTzIq.jpg
Huh? Before I realize it, no cutscene, no nothing, I'm in a secret bunker and this loudspeaker with a horrible German accented English is telling me I'm now a squad leader of some group whose name I can't even pronounce. And what's more, they didn't even let me change my clothes!




http://i.imgur.com/UqJgS.jpg
Well, at least it knows the famous German politeness. That's something, I guess.




http://i.imgur.com/nT6lX.jpg
I get a piece of paper with a secret mission. Or maybe it's not secret, but since I can't understand a word of it, it definitely isn't sharing its mysteries with me.




http://i.imgur.com/pJYC3.jpg
I'm also told that I should hire some help for this and the future secret missions. So I go through the files and pick up this sniper called Klaus, who apparently thinks that having only 50 % field of vision somehow makes him more effective at spotting things...




http://i.imgur.com/U1ScB.jpg
Then this robe wearing Ahmad with a big gun who can mostly say "me like shoot!" Good enough for me.




http://i.imgur.com/e0OiS.jpg
Well at least some people seem half reasonable in here. I have always had a thing for nurses. Especially single nurses, who have recently lost their spouses in the Eastern front. So Dani gets hired despite of her stupid name...




http://i.imgur.com/pa81E.jpg
And since every good action team needs a red head, this Irish chick called Holly also joins the team. I don't care what she actually can do, as long as she excels at one thing! She gets the job as soon as I confirm her marital status as single. You know, so that I don't have to write one of those awkward letters in case she dies. Duty first, I say!




http://i.imgur.com/rbc03.jpg
Finally there is this huge oaf who speaks some incomprehensible gibberish, but fortunately spares me from the most of it and just grunts single words every now and then. His name is Pälli or something. I think he said he's from England. Must be Manchester...




http://i.imgur.com/pO7IW.jpg
OK, you sorry bunch of retards! Let's go win the war! Or something, I guess...




http://i.imgur.com/Xx5Zy.jpg
We first get shipped to Northern England. I take a board shield with me in case any of the locals are going to start swinging claymores at my face.




http://i.imgur.com/jtVln.jpg
Our goal is to capture a British commander, residing in a pictoresque little hamlet, which also happens to be a super secret command post. Sheesh, who would have guessed? It's not like we could have ever found this place if we hadn't followed the"keep out!" signs they had posted everywhere along the road. Not after that Elli or whatever his name was ate our map for supper.




http://i.imgur.com/AO5n2.jpg
I'm no expert of being a British officer, but I suppose the large building with the Union Jack hanging on it would be a good place to start.




http://i.imgur.com/9fgcu.jpg
Right opposite to it is a little apartment block that might be useful for covering the street if we are forced into a firefight.




http://i.imgur.com/EBLYr.jpg
Then there is this little pub, tactically completely useless for us, and I wouldn't touch that moose urine the Britons call beer even if forced with a gun.


So I'm coming up with a plan, OK. Holly and Mölli secure our flanks. I want Holly on the left and that Manchester grunt on the right. As far away as possible, please. Dani supports Holly. I support them both. Oh yes, very closely. Klaus and Ahmad will form the backbone of our assault and...




http://i.imgur.com/DuTOP.jpg
...Aaaand no one is listening to me, are they? Great. Just great.

[Dowly]

Hooray! :rock:

[Oberon]

:D Looking forward to this one! :yep:

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/L3YTJ.jpg
My brave troops have decided to advance in one big bunch along the apartment block's wall. Fortunately they at least are wearing the portable shadows we got issued back in the base. Don't ask me how those work: I just know how to use them in the ladies' dressing room.




http://i.imgur.com/al3W9.jpg
The grunt from Manchester goes his own way to the edge of the house. I think he spotted those sheep herding on the other side of the road.




http://i.imgur.com/5odOX.jpg
Holly reaches the backdoor first. Well, good thing she has a lockpick. She can pick it open and we can slip in all sneaky like.




http://i.imgur.com/X0uiP.jpg
Sigh. Or then I suppose she can also blow it to smithereens with dynamite. Yeah, that works too.




http://i.imgur.com/8sjCh.jpg
Of course big explosions come attached with loud sounds, and even the Brits aren't deaf enough not to investigate them.




http://i.imgur.com/4Iz4G.jpg
Pälli reasons that a problem caused by a sound is solved with another sound. The sound of an exploding grenade.




http://i.imgur.com/nPX2E.jpg
But obviously his tactical wits didn't manage to answer one vital question: what happens if they aren't all going to die with just one single grenade?




http://i.imgur.com/6i5MY.jpg
Why, run like a bunny and lead them back to the rest of us of course. How silly of me to even ask.




http://i.imgur.com/9z6NP.jpg
Ahmad panics and hides in the house.




http://i.imgur.com/KijzC.jpg
He is closely followed by Klaus, who discovers a British sniper on the second floor.




http://i.imgur.com/4QZx7.jpg
Before anyone can say anything, Ahmad screams something about people stomping their floors too loudly and demonstrates how neighbors like that are handled in where he is from.




http://i.imgur.com/uXOFj.jpg
I admit it was more effective than giving him a polite note and asking him to take his boots off while walking inside. I'll have to try that in my block too...

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/xYe6V.jpg
Of course, Ahmad's berserk reaction scared off the real inhabitants of the building. I notice a civilian trying to escape through a window and quickly advice her to get back inside where it's much safer than in a hail of bullets outside.




http://i.imgur.com/J4K2D.jpg
But I naturally didn't take into account that Mölli was within earshot and completely misunderstood my metaphor.




http://i.imgur.com/QkyXJ.jpg
Well, at least Klaus can get something done. He has taken position on the second floor where the British sniper used to be. Maybe he can be half effective in there.




http://i.imgur.com/45yLe.jpg
It would be even better if he could count and realize that sitting glued to an open window while there are multiple guns pointed at you is not healthy.




http://i.imgur.com/dy8L3.jpg
I'd love to go there and help him, but Dani says she is scared and wants me to hold her with my big, strong, muscular arms. Well, that's what I think she said anyway. It's so hard to say in all this noise.




http://i.imgur.com/IEU3P.jpg
Manchester grunt manages to kill one of those Tommies he himself lured here.




http://i.imgur.com/BHVGE.jpg
After which his brain spectacularly runs out of batteries and he reverts to staring the wall.




http://i.imgur.com/oieTG.jpg
Since we need a meatshield to take hits for us, I run there and save his sorry hide. Fortunately the enemy is so focused on him that I can approach unnoticed.




http://i.imgur.com/CScPD.jpg
The Brits are assaulting the house, but Holly has found a good vantage point and is taking them out with such enthusiasm that it's almost scary. I knew I didn't hire her just for the looks!




http://i.imgur.com/TPaye.jpg
Klaus also manages to hit he broadside of the barn every now and then, when the said barn is within 10 meters of him.




http://i.imgur.com/913Xq.jpg
The tide seems to be turning in our favor so, being a tactical genius and all, I lead the charge against the British headquarters. It only occurs to me half way that no one is following me.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/qV4GE.jpg
There is still one Brit left, and he has managed to sneak on Klaus' blind side. But he himself is again so focused it makes him just as blind. I just need to get closer...




http://i.imgur.com/2rziB.jpg
Just...a little...closer...man, this portable shadow is fantastic!




http://i.imgur.com/9xXDE.jpg
Take that!




http://i.imgur.com/NMH52.jpg
Once the last defender is dead, I gather my brave forces and we form a giant black hole in the middle of the road. It's time to decide how we approach the headquarter building, which surely must be heavily defended with all sorts of traps and crack troops.




http://i.imgur.com/2pTL5.jpg
Pälli figures the best way is to go to the front door and knock.




http://i.imgur.com/UFwqK.jpg
Since he asked if anyone is home and someone from the inside answered "no", he decides it's safe to go inside. You do the math...




http://i.imgur.com/KSCuR.jpg
Fortunately the Brit's hands are shaking due to uncontrollable laughter and he can't aim properly. Mölli, being too dumb to understand what's so fun, is immune to the perils of hilarity.




http://i.imgur.com/2tPXw.jpg
Since the Brit left a big gun vacant, Pälli calls dips on it and mans it for no apparent reason aside from looking badass.




http://i.imgur.com/uW0G2.jpg
To make him even remotely useful, I order Ahmad to go there and cover him. And open the curtained window, while he is at it.




http://i.imgur.com/QAjcv.jpg
Yes, there is a reason for why I told Ahmad to do it instead of doing it myself.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/fx8FH.jpg
Meanwhile me and Dani are approaching a conviniently opened window. I remind her that once this war is over, we are not going to buy curtains like that in our house.




http://i.imgur.com/C9VZV.jpg
While I'm a little preoccupied with being overwhelmed by the horror the Brits call house decoration, one of them manages to jump me.




http://i.imgur.com/qW4NY.jpg
But fortunately my masterplan involved Dani covering the other window, so the Brit's joy is short lived.




http://i.imgur.com/Dy9AH.jpg
Someone starts moving on the second floor. Could it be the commander we are looking for?




http://i.imgur.com/s4MPR.jpg
Ahmad doesn't know either, but he can say for sure that this one was also too loud.




http://i.imgur.com/YR9kd.jpg
Since the noise won't go away, Ahmad screams and charges to the second floor before I can stop him.




http://i.imgur.com/FIUfo.jpg
The source of the noise gets eliminated in Ahmad's traditional way. For such a peace loving man he sure likes to solve many problems with a gun.




http://i.imgur.com/YgUni.jpg
While looking for further perpetrators, Ahmad spots another soldier, who for some reason thinks we are going to tunnel in through the floor instead of using stairs.




http://i.imgur.com/w0wPn.jpg
I decide to try Ahmad's tactics just for giggles and hear loud screams. Not really sure if it's the Brit or Ahmad. Either way, really.




http://i.imgur.com/81one.jpg
It appears I managed to hit the Briton, as Ahmad has already continued his search and found the British commander we were looking for, bravely hiding behind the backs of his troops.




http://i.imgur.com/lnTsT.jpg
After hearing a loud burst upstairs, it occurs to me that I never briefed my troops about our goal to capture the target alive.




http://i.imgur.com/QwFFN.jpg
Ahmad takes the carcass and starts hauling it away. I suppose it might still have something useful on it.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/rqAAP.jpg
It's not over yet. It seems the sound of fighting has lured in the British reinforcements from the nearby settlements. And they don't look really amused after seeing their comrades dead on the street.




http://i.imgur.com/mwYP2.jpg
Dani covers the street surprisingly well with her rifle.




http://i.imgur.com/nmioA.jpg
Mölli, on the other hand, shoots blindly with the machinegun and mostly just makes a horrible mess.




http://i.imgur.com/eVJsW.jpg
Holly prepares a little surprise for the Britons...




http://i.imgur.com/pYiLW.jpg
And by the sound of it, they didn't see anything suspicious in a loudly ticking door handle.




http://i.imgur.com/fsHR3.jpg
While Holly takes care of anyone who wasn't maimed by the trap...




http://i.imgur.com/UKvBx.jpg
...Pälli continues his holy war against the British brick wall.




http://i.imgur.com/xkISL.jpg
All in all, it seems we got them all and got what we were looking for. Not bad for the first mission, I guess. I never knew I was this excellent field commander.




http://i.imgur.com/VBL3i.jpg
It's time to drag the commander back to the camp and see if we can figure out anything from the material we found from here.




http://i.imgur.com/VadcQ.jpg
Well, we found some piece of paper which didn't make much sense, but it looked important enough, so we kept it.




http://i.imgur.com/KtpGB.jpg
The commander was also wasn't quite as dead as we expected and gave us a piece of intelligence.




http://i.imgur.com/XrMjZ.jpg
All of this leads us to the next target: a small English town where we hopefully manage to reveal more clues on this mystery.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 3: THE MISSING LINK




http://i.imgur.com/6T6NV.jpg
OK, me and my jolly band of imbeciles finally arrive. Time for a cool group photo before everything inevitably goes wrong.




http://i.imgur.com/LtWqQ.jpg
If I got it right, there is supposed to be a friendly agent hidden somewhere in this district and we are to find him. I need to improvise a little, since Ahmad had to take a dump along the way and he thought we didn't need that super secret document anymore.




http://i.imgur.com/bDQb5.jpg
Finding the agent is not that urgent, however. Far more urgent is the question of an angry British officer whose attention our walking circus has just attracted.




http://i.imgur.com/g0q0Z.jpg
Ahmad reacts first and fires a long burst with his new light machinegun he found from the local hamburger shop's kid meal surprise.




http://i.imgur.com/4SolQ.jpg
Not only he doesn't manage to hit anything, but now every Brit within ten miles knows we are here. What part of secret service do these dolts not understand?




http://i.imgur.com/wKVIn.jpg
Holly and Mölli panic. They jump over the nearest wall and disappear screaming frantically something about better part of valor.




http://i.imgur.com/8XvUO.jpg
Meanwhile the still at least semi-competent people in this squad have taken great position in the middle of an open road. Straight out of the soldier's coloring book, I'm sure.




http://i.imgur.com/jgxby.jpg
As the only one with any tactical sense here, I put on my portable shadow and start flanking the enemy. With any luck, my undertalented underlings at least can bite a few bullets for me.




http://i.imgur.com/kG2k3.jpg
They manage to even kill one of the Brits. Not that it stops two more of them from showing up.




http://i.imgur.com/PU3c1.jpg
Pälli, in his rare moment of clarity, has meanwhile recovered his courage and decides to blindly throw a grenade towards the sound of the gunfire.




http://i.imgur.com/a3Lr8.jpg
I can't believe I'm saying this, but it worked. He bagged most of them with just one boom, and the only one left scarpers.




http://i.imgur.com/wEluE.jpg
Or so he thinks.




http://i.imgur.com/7aciZ.jpg
OK, that's all of them. I gather my squad and instruct them to follow. Well, the ones that are left anyway. I wonder what the Manchester grunt and Holly have been doing for these whole two minutes I left them alone?




http://i.imgur.com/rNgbG.jpg
Mass murdered bunch of helpless old men, apparently.




http://i.imgur.com/457bi.jpg
Ahmad goes berserk again, kicking and screaming why they didn't leave him any. I found out from very close distance that his new gun also has quite a kick.




http://i.imgur.com/JmAna.jpg
Having ran out of bullets, Ahmad whips out a huge kebab knife and charges after the first civilian he can see.




http://i.imgur.com/Kmkty.jpg
Having turned the poor hapless fellow into traditional imported fast food, he quickly starts looking for more. It turns out to be a mistake.




http://i.imgur.com/ijqNj.jpg
After saving him and subsequently beating him back to his senses, we gather up again and prepare to find the agent.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/XsUOK.jpg
Hmm, a window conveniently left open. Me and the bumbling and grumbling black hole on my heels decide to investigate.




http://i.imgur.com/gvr0c.jpg
OK, careful now. I think I heard something...




http://i.imgur.com/beTTX.jpg
Oh, it's just a civilian. OK, all clear on the first floor. Time to move upstairs.




http://i.imgur.com/uhEMC.jpg
Funny, I could swear I heard someone scream...




http://i.imgur.com/t0g76.jpg
But I'm sure I heard some noises from behind this door. I leave most of my squad to cover my back and go in to investigate.




http://i.imgur.com/DrL3M.jpg
Aha! The missing agent!




http://i.imgur.com/zD763.jpg
And apparently a cheap plot device as well...




http://i.imgur.com/kZPCO.jpg
Note to self: I need to have a stern talk with those retards about "covering your leader's back."




http://i.imgur.com/pfj3s.jpg
You know, after I again singlehandedly take care of everything and save the day.




http://i.imgur.com/rZ8Q8.jpg
Done. Now let's see what have we here...




http://i.imgur.com/eUOW5.jpg
I came all this way to learn about retards hitting a disk on ice with oversized sticks?!




http://i.imgur.com/onu5p.jpg
After making my dissatisfaction clear with the kind help of Pälli and Ahmad, I find the agent is very co-operative and directs us to his secret stash, which is supposed to have some really important and again very secret stuff.




http://i.imgur.com/Lfhn3.jpg
It's located in a dark forest in the middle of nowhere. This should be easy...

[Cybermat47]

What is this awesome game and how do I get it?

[Hottentot]

Link. (http://www.gog.com/gamecard/silent_storm_gold)

Since you are new, be aware: my AARs do not give a realistic picture of any of the games they portray. I take lots of artistic liberties, pretty much as many as the game gives me, in the name of the story and (questionable) humor. So read a few reviews or watch let's plays or something first.

And tone down the font, please.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 4: A ROMANTIC MOONLIGHT STROLL


http://i.imgur.com/BtUxp.jpg
Seeing that it's a simple fetch and leave mission, I just put my portable shadow on and cross the road. Hey, you know that joke? What did the chicken say when it crossed the...




http://i.imgur.com/AyfLn.jpg
What the?! My portable shadow switched off?! Quick! The manual! It means that...




http://i.imgur.com/EycK0.jpg
...Someone has spotted me!




http://i.imgur.com/49nBQ.jpg
Okay, okay, no panic. It's just one Brit, right. We'll ambush him once he comes close enough. Let's jump from the shadows and slit his throat all quiet like. Are you ready, Pälli?




http://i.imgur.com/ILFuE.jpg
For the record, moron, yelling "Affirmative!" from the top of your lungs is not the ideal way of staying undetected!




http://i.imgur.com/JKUcR.jpg
Why can't we all just get along?




http://i.imgur.com/4T1IA.jpg
What was supposed to be an easy fetch and leave mission turns out to be a close quarter fire fight with a whole squad of armed young British men. What they were all doing in this remote forest in the middle of nowhere all at the same time is anyone's guess...




http://i.imgur.com/xtsfb.jpg
Elli tries to correct his mistake the only way he knows: blowing something up.




http://i.imgur.com/9Ume1.jpg
Next time I just need to tell him that we are at war with the Brits, not the bush dwelling weasels.




http://i.imgur.com/gaSNj.jpg
However, while he doesn't know it, he can be remotely useful in another way too.




http://i.imgur.com/02DUY.jpg
That is, drawing fire while the red headed killing machine is sneaking up on them.




http://i.imgur.com/QPmy4.jpg
Meanwhile I ambush another few of them. Not only do I manage to look totally cool in my combat pose, but I can even hit something from these short distances every now and then.




http://i.imgur.com/Ik9zl.jpg
Ahmad, Pälli and Holly stage an assault on their own and take the fight to the Brits' side. I don't want to rain on their parade by letting them know by how much they are outnumbered.




http://i.imgur.com/dfqeo.jpg
Still, the close quarter fight works for once in our advantage. Holly manages to turn a huge bunch of Brits into tree fertilizer with one single grenade. That's the spirit, lass!




http://i.imgur.com/GqYDr.jpg
After she pretty much single handedly finishes the few that are still stupid enough to make any noises, the battle seems to be over. Time to hope we didn't blow up the agent's cache too.




http://i.imgur.com/AItMC.jpg
Nope, this seems to be intact. It points us to Russia of all places. Pälli gets very excited for some reason, but I decide it's too cold in Russia in this time of the year.




http://i.imgur.com/lWlVH.jpg
Instead we are going to warm and pleasant South Britain.




http://i.imgur.com/7gSXS.jpg
The intelligence reports there is a laboratory in here we might want to take a look at. As long as it doesn't involve any mad scientists, this should be profitable. Maybe we can find a few guns that are even half way effective too and don't take 100 bullets in the face to kill someone.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 5: STRAY BULLETS (PLUS GRENADES) AND YOU


http://i.imgur.com/oFpgS.jpg
The Brits may have a horrible taste for house decoration and no idea how to cook a proper breakfast, but I have to admit that they know how to set up a nice looking laboratory. It's almost shame to know what it's going to look like after our visit.




http://i.imgur.com/ebhhp.jpg
Okay, gang, smile to the camera. No, idiots, that way! Look that way!




http://i.imgur.com/NBUp3.jpg
Klaus and I scout ahead. It seems the main entrance is guarded. A few well placed shots should take care of that, however. Then we can use the front gate as a choke point for anyone who comes to investigate from inside the perimeter.




http://i.imgur.com/MzzQF.jpg
While I'm instructing Klaus on how not to be completely ineffective this time, the attention span of the rest runs out. They start scouting the perimeter on their own.




http://i.imgur.com/OrREs.jpg
Pälli draws the short straw and crosses the wall first. Why he decided to do it in the most obviously guarded point is beyond me.




http://i.imgur.com/UFAwk.jpg
Meanwhile Klaus takes a shot and not surprisingly he misses the target by a mile. I should perhaps next time also teach him how to use the magnificent technical innovation on his rifle called "scope".




http://i.imgur.com/vjLBw.jpg
The bypassing bullet still manages to startle the guard enough for Mölli to run around the corner undetected and put a few additional holes in him.




http://i.imgur.com/lsFRT.jpg
Meanwhile the rest are still crossing the wall. Dani introduces to the Brit her new best friend, the semi-automatic rifle.




http://i.imgur.com/TKe9F.jpg
Meanwhile Ahmad has deduced that our biggest threat in this mission must be the manor building and has decided to hit it hard from the rear flank.




http://i.imgur.com/TB37W.jpg
A window is the first one to feel his divinely inspired wrath. Oh yes, and the British soldier behind it.




http://i.imgur.com/uvhlX.jpg
Holly tries moving inside the house from this big hole which, weirdly enough, wasn't made by us. But she quickly finds it's covered by two Brits with rifles.




http://i.imgur.com/yYdAR.jpg
Hearing screams I charge to rescue my fair damsel in distress. And hope there is something that I can save her from left when I arrive.




http://i.imgur.com/8vYjJ.jpg
Oh yeah! Take that! Hey! You! Look at me when I'm killing you! It'll make me look more heroic and stuff! Hey! Moron! What are you staring at?




http://i.imgur.com/GdE5z.jpg
Holy cow, a German soldier! One of ours! Cease fire! Cease fire!




http://i.imgur.com/fh7dN.jpg
Pälli! Did you hear me?! Cease...




http://i.imgur.com/bmPlU.jpg
...fire...




http://i.imgur.com/u3DKg.jpg
I want it on the record that this is not my fault and I'm just protecting myself by killing the sole surviving witness of what just happened.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/L8Ao7.jpg
Meanwhile Klaus is still dutifully covering the front door. While I admire his dedication, I'm afraid that with such single minded attitude he might fail to spot something else.




http://i.imgur.com/JJbyU.jpg
LIKE A BLEEDING SQUAD OF BRITS STANDING NEXT TO HIM!!!




http://i.imgur.com/IJuY3.jpg
Panic stricken Klaus throws a light grenade at them, but it only seems to make them more angry.




http://i.imgur.com/57PRs.jpg
So he sees it's time for a tactical relocation.




http://i.imgur.com/wdP4W.jpg
Not that he deserves it after such screw up, but I'll have to cover him. I don't want to write a debriefing report that would make me look like a dimwit for hiring a half blind munchkin for a sniper.




http://i.imgur.com/Oi7Ry.jpg
The Brits fortunately are not much better shots than he is, so Klaus manages to escape behind the wall.




http://i.imgur.com/qm7v9.jpg
Their wits are not their sharpest tools either, so they decide to charge after him through the front gate.




http://i.imgur.com/D77Mp.jpg
Exactly where I want them.




http://i.imgur.com/j9Wa1.jpg
One semi intelligent individual tries to think with his own brain and peeks over the wall from where Klaus disappeared.




http://i.imgur.com/DG2lc.jpg
However, he failed to take into account that Klaus might still be there.




http://i.imgur.com/YlAeO.jpg
OK, I suppose we are safe for a while. Time to check the upstairs for any important documents they might be storing here.




http://i.imgur.com/k1qhn.jpg
Blahblahblahyadayadayada...huh? Rocket fuel? Funny. I'm not aware of any...




http://i.imgur.com/L9SOP.jpg
Rocket...fuel...?


No...




http://i.imgur.com/29g8D.jpg
Nononono!




http://i.imgur.com/6HIMg.jpg
[...]




http://i.imgur.com/Fw8eM.jpg
Is it too late to join the regular army and go to Stalingrad?




http://i.imgur.com/OcKBB.jpg
On the plus side, the explosion knocked out a whole bunch of people and one of them looks like a scientist. Let's bugger off and see if we can wake him up.




http://i.imgur.com/wRO1g.jpg
Of course, after the mission I need to write a phony report of the Britons trying to disguise as Germans and us disposing of them.




http://i.imgur.com/UK9BL.jpg
For destroying important historical property, completely ignoring the rules of engagement and generally acting like a jackass, Pälli gets awarded an Iron Cross.




http://i.imgur.com/PJn7D.jpg
The scientist, however, turns out to be more helpful and points us forward: towards the house of a double agent that apparently has suffered a serious malfunction.

[Falkirion]

Ah love the No no no line. Reminds me of TFS Dragon Ball Z abridged.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 6: LATE APPOINTMENT

http://i.imgur.com/6PGS7.jpg
Time to pay this double agent, Major Newhouse, a visit and ask for an explanation. Hopefully without killing him.




http://i.imgur.com/VS2wI.jpg
Hmm, another stylish old English manor house then? And just one big gate to enter? Looks fairly straight forward to me.




http://i.imgur.com/ZkIXP.jpg
Okay, gang: let's try not to demolish this place completely this time, okay?




http://i.imgur.com/MIjzi.jpg
Sigh, who am I fooling? The best thing I can do for now is to scout ahead. So disguising as a bush, I move closer to the front gate.




http://i.imgur.com/h4nrG.jpg
Not surprisingly, it is guarded. And I don't suppose they'll let us in just by asking for the English double agent who resides in here.




http://i.imgur.com/77ymR.jpg
So I'll have Pälli and Holly advance along the wall, since their submachineguns can't hit anything further than ten meters away. Someone should really try Googling the historical SMG range if they ever make a sequel to my great adventures.




http://i.imgur.com/cogOR.jpg
The ones who can (in theory) hit something across the road advance slowly to their planned positions. Like a well oiled machine...




http://i.imgur.com/LkgDZ.jpg
...where one cog going berserk with a light machinegun will break the whole system.




http://i.imgur.com/7ah4u.jpg
All hell breaks loose as Holly charges and empties her clip to the general direction of the guard, who still doesn't seem to fully understand what is happening.




http://i.imgur.com/okqg1.jpg
We manage to kill him, but now his CO is playing Waterloo with his pistol. He quickly learns why it's a bad idea.




http://i.imgur.com/Kawei.jpg
Meanwhile Mölli manages to ambush another British officer, who tried scouting our positions by jumping over the wall.




http://i.imgur.com/qay2o.jpg
That Brit's idea wasn't half bad. I decide to imitate him and climp on one of the gate posts to scout ahead.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/xzuPE.jpg
It pays off. I almost instantly see two more Britons running towards the gate, no doubt trying to reinforce their already fallen comrades. Such heroic attitude is admirable, but utterly stupid.




http://i.imgur.com/4er19.jpg
Holly hides in the guardhouse, ready to ambush them according to my orders when they come closer.




http://i.imgur.com/qitd5.jpg
One more has apparently just woken up and comes to see what all the ruckus is about.




http://i.imgur.com/zqJuS.jpg
I quickly order Klaus to aim at the guardhouse Holly just hid in. He shoots the Brit right in the middle of the eyes.




http://i.imgur.com/8tLGx.jpg
Those two lads and their officer are not even trying to hide as they approach. Yes! The plan is working perfectly for once! Now Holly will jump out and...




http://i.imgur.com/WaTrB.jpg
...Drop a freaking grenade at her feet? Note to self: brief the squad about blast radius before the next mission...




http://i.imgur.com/9YLJn.jpg
Dani is out of action points, so she tries to instruct Pälli on how to apply bandages to quickly bleeding Holly. Holly barely manages to avoid getting suffocated.




http://i.imgur.com/qdRb4.jpg
While that lucky bastard is playing doctor with two ladies that should be with me, Ahmad is keeping the British reinforcements at bay. It's a little disturbing that he keeps laughing while doing it...




http://i.imgur.com/nq4Uy.jpg
When he finally stops for a while, I decide to flank the Brits alone. I'd rather take my chances with a squad of angry Tommies instead of taking that lunatic to watch my back.




http://i.imgur.com/inFYX.jpg
Pälli may not be the brightes candle in the team, but even he knows how to mimic the great leader. Only he manages to go completely the wrong direction.




http://i.imgur.com/r28i9.jpg
I manage to ambush a few of the Brits in the garden, but they just keep coming. I get hit a few times and need to fall back over the wall.




http://i.imgur.com/I2Hdw.jpg
But since I know how much the Britons value politeness, I throw them a little present before scarpering.




http://i.imgur.com/XLSgp.jpg
Ah yeah, that's right, right there honey...man, I should get wounded more often if it wasn't so painful.




http://i.imgur.com/Rrc9u.jpg
The Brits try following me, but Ahmad stops them Teheran style.




http://i.imgur.com/DEkvX.jpg
In retrospect, perhaps we should have just made Holly disguise as a cookie selling girl scout and ask to meet Major Newhouse?




http://i.imgur.com/UPxen.jpg
Oh well. Collateral damage. Forward, march!

[Dowly]

Hah, love that last screenshot. :)

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/olfsQ.jpg
Reasoning that the front door of the manor must be still heavily guarded, I start making my way towards the backdoor.




http://i.imgur.com/H9Vac.jpg
Pälli and Ahmad decide to instead make a door of their own.




http://i.imgur.com/AntT7.jpg
They quickly manage to hit the guards from the rear and subdue the surprised Brits easily.




http://i.imgur.com/I9bUO.jpg
I also happen to find one hiding in the corridors. The first floor seems to be clear.




http://i.imgur.com/gSIIO.jpg
So I guess I have time to take a leak. I'm sure Newhouse has more important things to worry about than that. Like replacing 99 % of his staff.




http://i.imgur.com/2EGuq.jpg
While I'm not supervising my herd, Mölli and Ahmad start looking for the wine cellar.




http://i.imgur.com/cPOqF.jpg
Meanwhile that rascal Holly is ransacking the storehouse. Good thing she has a lockpick, so she can open all those important looking chests.




http://i.imgur.com/CcYRG.jpg
Ahmad and Pälli come across a locked door and conclude neither of them has a lockpick.




http://i.imgur.com/3zRHe.jpg
So Ahmad decides to use his master key, but unfortunately forgets the first rule of shooting through the doors. That is...




http://i.imgur.com/IVaX3.jpg
Always check what's behind them. Otherwise one of the bullets could hit something...




http://i.imgur.com/ZAkJD.jpg
...explosive, which might cause a serious...




http://i.imgur.com/v6dSX.jpg
Chain reaction. I hope Newhouse knows a good carpenter...




http://i.imgur.com/UUok1.jpg
And as for me, next time I'm taking a leak in the forest!

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/Z1iA9.jpg
Now is not the time to dwell on that, however. Since I peed myself anyway while falling to the cellar, it's time to start searching upstairs.




http://i.imgur.com/9UJuP.jpg
It would naturally be somewhat easier, if those two morons hadn't blown up half of the floors!




http://i.imgur.com/4fhEG.jpg
Since I have no idea how to jump, I'll have Ahmed make me a new door with his master key. If it ails, it cures as well.




http://i.imgur.com/D20bV.jpg
Major Newhouse, I presume?




http://i.imgur.com/56vrD.jpg
Look, after being forced to fight a war with these five dimwits, the last thing I need right now is a dose of British humor. And may I remind you, that I'm holding a loaded gun?




http://i.imgur.com/WllhF.jpg
Newhouse is suprisingly co-operative. Perhaps due to the fact that he is the first target person we didn't turn into a walking sifter. He points us to another British agent, Corporal Stevens. Just how many treasonous SOBs there are working within the British army?!




http://i.imgur.com/m5L4g.jpg
Then there is also the case of a lost Irish cargo ship, that apparently was carrying something super important. Hmph. How many times do those U-Boat skippers need to be told to increase their periscope brightness, if they can't see the flag in night?




http://i.imgur.com/7VgCL.jpg
After the mission, Pälli gets another medal for being even more efficient at unnecessary destruction of private property than before.




http://i.imgur.com/MSOXy.jpg
We decide to go meet that Stevens soon, but have to take care of some urgent business first. Ahmad says he wants a new toy and is going to hold his breath if he won't get one. So we pay a visit to the closest toy store on the way.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 7: SIDE TRIP




http://i.imgur.com/bFX1y.jpg
Hmm, the compound seems to be pretty heavily guarded. Towers and all. This might be a little challenging.




http://i.imgur.com/hdWk7.jpg
I suppose Klaus could try hitting something from the third floor of that house, which has its attic's window left conviniently open...




http://i.imgur.com/huym9.jpg
Perhaps the rest of us could cover him from these houses, if the Brits come and investigate?




http://i.imgur.com/GxNWf.jpg
And once they aren't coming anymore, we could hit the warehouse from this less guarded rear entrance? Sounds like a plan, right?




http://i.imgur.com/JmTJl.jpg
What? I'm just trying to inspire confidence here.




http://i.imgur.com/QpPW8.jpg
Sigh. Whatever. The best thing I can do now is scout ahead for Klaus and make sure he won't fall in the stairs.




http://i.imgur.com/5g1Ax.jpg
Pälli and Holly go their merry way to...somewhere? For an Irish and Englishman they are getting along all too well for my liking. Must be similarities in dialect...




http://i.imgur.com/ekGiV.jpg
Dani and Ahmad manage to come up with a half way decent plan on their own: they cover our rear with their long range guns.




http://i.imgur.com/IKG4I.jpg
And when I say "cover our rear", I of course mean "give our position away as soon as they see something bigger than a squirrel moving in the bushes."




http://i.imgur.com/5CclQ.jpg
Someone starts running towards the gunshots on the streets. I tell Klaus to peek through the curtains to see if it's the Brits or scared civilians.




http://i.imgur.com/OqY0j.jpg
The good news is that he found the answer. The bad news is that now the Brits found us.




http://i.imgur.com/3qEVF.jpg
Ahmad continues his frenzy, ignoring pain as well as laws of physics as he mows down the Brits one after another.




http://i.imgur.com/rK8Kw.jpg
For the relief of the Brits and the common sense, he finally runs low on ammunition and bunkers down behind a hole in the wall to reload.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/zRwle.jpg
Meanwhile Holly and Mölli have bunkered down in a pub nearby. But as might be expected, they already have got into some argument, which ended in them killing everyone. Just another night in life...




http://i.imgur.com/UIQ36.jpg
Since the pub is out of pretzels, I manage to convince Holly to run and support Ahmad. Pälli stays inside, munching baking paper from the cupboards.




http://i.imgur.com/U8x2I.jpg
After crashing down a few times due to not seeing the steps, Klaus has finally managed to climb up the ladders and has taken a somewhat effective looking sniping post.




http://i.imgur.com/IDQcR.jpg
Ahmad and him lay down crossfire on the Britons, who stay happily oblivious to their presence and wonder why the mosquitoes have started whistling so loudly.




http://i.imgur.com/oTt3p.jpg
Klaus' shots attract the attention of some of the smarter Tommies, and it doesn't take long from them to figure out where the constant misses are coming from.




http://i.imgur.com/b3Y8Z.jpg
Since I'm still in the house, I start throwing grenades on their heads from the second floor and pray to any possible deity that Klaus could spot even one of them. Apparently all divine entities are on vacation at the moment, since I can't reach even their answering machine...




http://i.imgur.com/XlE3L.jpg
Holly at least is still within earshot and hears my battle cries, which most definitely do not involve the words "please someone help me I don't want to die mommy!" She leaves the Britons a little welcoming gift on the front door.




http://i.imgur.com/HNw1L.jpg
Crude but effective. I'll take it.




http://i.imgur.com/NwLV4.jpg
While Ahmad dukes it out with the two Britons who still seem to be more worried about the drizzle than the hail of bullets...




http://i.imgur.com/Apq61.jpg
...Pälli and Dani have reached the rear gate and are ready to hit the enemy from where they won't expect it.




http://i.imgur.com/Axpzj.jpg
Of course, with even a rudimentary understanding of battlefield recoinnassance, Pälli would have found out that they were, in fact, expecting just it.




http://i.imgur.com/O30G1.jpg
His master plan for solving the situation is to scream, run behind the gate and leave Dani to deal with the Brits. No pressure, girl.




http://i.imgur.com/q6e4I.jpg
I get Holly back on her feet after the explosion and tell her to follow me. If the Brits are guarding the rear gate, then we are going to use reverse psychology and hit them from the front.




http://i.imgur.com/M3m68.jpg
Meanwhile Ahmad has managed to destroy the wall enough to crawl through it. I'm not going to ask him if he killed those Tommies too, or if they finally died of boredom.




http://i.imgur.com/ufUEw.jpg
One of the Brits is still alive, though, and I think Ahmad is itching to finally hit something. Too bad for the Tommy.




http://i.imgur.com/MqTRY.jpg
Pälli continues to demonstrate his knife sharp wits in the rear gate. He is trying to blend in with the Brits and hoping the troops he has encountered are from the special All Blind Division.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/63LHf.jpg
Holly and I encounter an officer, who has some objections to us flanking his troops.




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While Holly provides some distraction (which we can't show here, because kids are reading this)...




http://i.imgur.com/Gcu9X.jpg
...I surprise the cheering and whistling Limey.




http://i.imgur.com/8EAkW.jpg
Ahmad shows some decent initiative. He has found a spot from which he can spray death down the whole street.




http://i.imgur.com/614Dj.jpg
I'm just not sure if it's the safest spot available...




http://i.imgur.com/89vqe.jpg
Nor does he convince me with his aim. But good thing for us is that the enemy standing next to an exploding truck served the intended purpose just as well.




http://i.imgur.com/tkhTh.jpg
However, more of them are coming, and you can accidentally blow up a vehicle only so many times.




http://i.imgur.com/gPWAT.jpg
Then again, maybe it's better that there isn't anything highly volatile around when Pälli starts playing with the grenades.




http://i.imgur.com/HsBZZ.jpg
Ahmad takes care of the last enemy defender, but one of his bullets...




http://i.imgur.com/VTeXg.jpg
...Misses just by an inch. A very critical inch.




http://i.imgur.com/AB28Y.jpg
Okay, so we broke everything, killed everyone and didn't get anything out of it. All in all, a very typical mission with these fools. What's next on the agenda?

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 8: IMPOSSIBLE ODDS AND ONE OF THEM




http://i.imgur.com/hkGXq.jpg
Time to get back to business. We go meet that Stevens traitor, before the Brits do.




http://i.imgur.com/LDIFy.jpg
We manage to find his home, despite of all the countryside houses looking same. The bad news is that so did the Brits. Ahmad yelling "heeeeere, spy spy spy" at every single house we came across might have tipped them off.




http://i.imgur.com/jL3SA.jpg
Right! With no time for great planning, I order everyone to take cover in the house. My brave troops surprise even me: they manage to concentrate enough to actually comply!




http://i.imgur.com/fG8tD.jpg
Well except of course that Pälli tool, who thinks "the house" means "the house across the streets, which the Brits have surrounded already."




http://i.imgur.com/4h1F6.jpg
It seems they even intended to use it to lay fire across the street, but Mölli manages to surprise their sentry. The Tommies are smart, but they forgot the most important rule of warfare: never underestimate the stupidity of your foe!




http://i.imgur.com/wCwZA.jpg
Ahmad and Klaus take cover on the Northern side of the house, hopefully stopping the British horde as they emerge from the woods.




http://i.imgur.com/YyW0S.jpg
Holly and I make sure no one is flanking us through the bushes. Well, Holly does. I concentrate on enjoying the view, and I'm not talking about the countryside when I say that.




http://i.imgur.com/ycY0o.jpg
Dani the ever caring tries in vain to call Pälli back and finally just ends up guarding the front door, taking pot shots at any Brits she sees.




http://i.imgur.com/4udO9.jpg
Ahmad hasn't fully understood the function of a bipod, but that doesn't stop him from stopping the British vanguard's assault. Klaus, as per usual, loudly wonders where all the enemies are.




http://i.imgur.com/t9Lin.jpg
But Pälli is in huge trouble. The Britons are literally coming through doors and windows to get him.




http://i.imgur.com/pJK6s.jpg
He might be an imbecile, but he is also my squad member. A good officer must at least make an effort to keep his herd alive, so I rush to help him.




http://i.imgur.com/qeevb.jpg
I mean, there is no way...




http://i.imgur.com/c3jiP.jpg
...He could somehow all alone...




http://i.imgur.com/HCA8M.jpg
...Stand against such odds all alone...




http://i.imgur.com/M0JlL.jpg
...Let alone...




http://i.imgur.com/RT2zM.jpg
...Stop them on their tracks.




http://i.imgur.com/tGCuc.jpg
Err, right?




http://i.imgur.com/ZXd0D.jpg
I can't decide which is more disappointing: that the battle ended before I fired a single shot, or that I left my great post for absolutely nothing. War sucks!

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 9: TREES HAVE EYES (AND THEY LIKE WHAT THEY'RE SEEING TOO)


http://i.imgur.com/b5sJi.jpg
For our recent heroics, the HQ calls us back to base. They say they same something for us.




http://i.imgur.com/oXpkj.jpg
Ahmad gets a new toy he has been asking for so long. If he wasn't wearing those protective glasses all the time, I could swear I saw a tear in his eye.




http://i.imgur.com/veKwW.jpg
There is also this nifty looking new SMG. I think Holly might like it, but before I can even suggest such, Pälli jumps to take it and hisses at anyone who comes close. I'm not going to argue with a lunatic who calls a gun "my precious."




http://i.imgur.com/Lpy46.jpg
Alright. Back to war. According to all the hints we have gathered thus far, this should be the place where someone forgot a suitcase full of super important documents. Since we have sort of started collecting them, I decide we should go fetch these ones as well.




http://i.imgur.com/IRFGL.jpg
Hmm. A batch of empty, generic forest in the middle of nowhere. Now what have we learned about those?




http://i.imgur.com/Imezi.jpg
Yes, exactly.




http://i.imgur.com/lxv9W.jpg
The devious British ambush is unmasked, however, when Holly and Dani separate from the group to...uh...feed the bush, if you know what I mean. Hardships of being a woman don't care if there is a war going on or not.




http://i.imgur.com/m2Xjq.jpg
The loud sounds of gunshots and even louder curses from Holly are the first sign that something is wrong. It's refreshing to hear her call someone else a sick pervert.




http://i.imgur.com/VFauJ.jpg
For the record, I rushed here to help them right after hearing the screams, and totally wasn't sneaking behind them with my portable shadow on.




http://i.imgur.com/OBx3q.jpg
Happily oblivious to everything, Klaus and Ahmad have decided to admire the scenery from this grassy knoll on the left.




http://i.imgur.com/zeM35.jpg
While Pälli did hear the gunshots and is now trying to disguise as a bush.




http://i.imgur.com/yIHDT.jpg
In the middle of the scenery, one of the ambushing Britons forgets his lesson on how not to be seen.




http://i.imgur.com/AA3Mi.jpg
He soon remembers its importance.




http://i.imgur.com/athER.jpg
Ahmad and Klaus are taken by surprise by a patrol of two, but the Brits themselves were too busy reading a map to notice them. Klaus whips out a pistol and kills four squirrels plus one bullfinch in a record time.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/2ccNY.jpg
Figuring there are more peeping Tommies hiding in the bushes, Holly resorts to Agent Orange -doctrine. It works.




http://i.imgur.com/P6GSA.jpg
Deprived of their leafy cover, the Brits are easy targets even for me.




http://i.imgur.com/7WAoq.jpg
Pälli is not so lucky. His heroic charge has been halted by getting reminded how much pain tends to hurt.




http://i.imgur.com/oeB1f.jpg
Klaus, on the other hand, continues exterminating the peanut munchers in the trees. A British soldier has quickly understood that, like a rabbit, he too stands the best chance of surviving by staying still and hoping he won't get noticed.




http://i.imgur.com/FV6az.jpg
Ahmad seems to be the only even somewhat competent man here in addition to yours truly. He may hit only every tenth time, but it doesn't matter when that MG34 sprays a few hundred rounds per in the general direction of the enemy.




http://i.imgur.com/I15pc.jpg
Pälli finally manages to continue his heroic charge after Ahmad by pure luck happens to hit the Brit that was keeping him down.




http://i.imgur.com/UANjN.jpg
He stumbles into another one and returns each one of his majesty's lost bullets back to the Kingdom's loyal servant. One at a time.




http://i.imgur.com/gxeyN.jpg
That naturally makes him the favorite target of every Brit within a mile. Finally he is doing exactly what he knows best!




http://i.imgur.com/ThDqU.jpg
Klaus may not be even on the top 1000 list of reliable snipers, but he sure knows how to be incompetent in a comfortable way.




http://i.imgur.com/M51Ym.jpg
Holly and I finish the right flank together and Ahmad scares of the rest of the Brits with his berserk screaming. Time to wrap this up and see what we came here for.




http://i.imgur.com/wHrJB.jpg
Lots of jargon that doesn't involve anything we didn't already know? Typical.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 10: X MARKS THE PLOT DEVICE


http://i.imgur.com/70hoZ.jpg
While on the way back to our extraction point, we find out half way that Dani is holding the map upside down. That's why there is a suspicious looking house in our way, and we have no time to find alternative routes. We'll just have to go through it.




http://i.imgur.com/BgPSx.jpg
Progress! This time we manage to approach the potential combat zone from somewhere else than the blasted main road in broad daylight. Now if only I knew how to turn off the glowing green edges around us, we might even try sneaking around properly for a while.




http://i.imgur.com/yPsXo.jpg
Okay, guys: it's just a little house in the middle of nowhere. We'll slip by it no problem. If the owner notices us, we'll knock him out. We are not here to kill anyone. Understood?




http://i.imgur.com/ttl72.jpg
Change of plans. It appears that instead of a generic countryside house we have found a British outpost. I should have known from the glowing quest marker appearing on the map!




http://i.imgur.com/FTprR.jpg
Since they haven't noticed us yet, we prepare to surprise them and kill most of them before they can get their act together. Ahmad and Dani get in position unnoticed and I keep an eye out for the enemy movement.




http://i.imgur.com/AraAk.jpg
Klaus covers the road in case the Tommies have reinforcements...




http://i.imgur.com/8baU3.jpg
Holly and Pälli get ready to hit them from the flank. At least they bothered to listen to me this time and are not charging around blindly.




http://i.imgur.com/PvI57.jpg
Not that it stops them from getting noticed and then charging blindly.




http://i.imgur.com/O72h9.jpg
Ahmad the military genius remembers from the soldier's coloring book a chapter called "distraction". He decides to create one by blowing up the Brits' truck with a panzerfaust.




http://i.imgur.com/AJcgn.jpg
You could say it worked. The Brits are now definitely paying lots of attention to us.




http://i.imgur.com/hl8py.jpg
Another explosion rocks the ground as Mölli starts throwing around grenades to where he sees the muzzle flashes.




http://i.imgur.com/GjlER.jpg
The Brits are barely scratched by the explosions, but the booming sound distorts them enough for Holly to nail both with two short bursts.




http://i.imgur.com/fok4l.jpg
Since I'm probably the only one here who remembers that this is supposed to be a covert operation, I decide to turn the idiocy of my comrades to my advantage and sneak closer to the Brits. They are too busy admiring the fireworks to notice me. Or hear the shots from my silenced pistol for that matter.




http://i.imgur.com/Z73gg.jpg
I knew I lugged these grenades with me for something!




http://i.imgur.com/47JqM.jpg
Boom! Direct hit!




http://i.imgur.com/AxD3k.jpg
Not being one to rest on my laurels, I finish off a British machinegunner with my pistol while dodging the wild bullets from Ahmad's machinegun.




http://i.imgur.com/MnQTM.jpg
Hiding behind the blown up truck I hear two more Tommies approaching.




http://i.imgur.com/wUAPn.jpg
These grenades were nearing their expiration date anyway...




http://i.imgur.com/0hxe7.jpg
But then it's time to run and hope those idiots in the bushes cover me instead of mistaking me for a Tommy.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/1gCZM.jpg
On the flank, Mölli and Holly have come up with a plan. Even Pälli can get close enough to hit something when Holly again is providing a distraction far more efficient than randomly blowing stuff up.




http://i.imgur.com/4i0SY.jpg
Hiding in a bush, I take a moment to pose for a dramatic reloading scene. They are going to make a film of this stuff after the war is over, you know. I need to look good.




http://i.imgur.com/2Ujvk.jpg
You'd think these Brits would be a little more careful approaching a place where five of their comrades have just been blown to pieces?




http://i.imgur.com/oEVjN.jpg
But if they insist, I still have one boom apple to spare.




http://i.imgur.com/OOjmC.jpg
Yeah, that was all of them. My team proved to be completely useless again, but then again, heroes always get the ladies so I'm not complaining.




http://i.imgur.com/vi6Wa.jpg
Ooo, what were they hiding here? A treasure map, is it? Yarr! Avast! Shiver me timbers! We go blunder and pillage!


...Or something...




http://i.imgur.com/0KrXV.jpg
Holly takes a head start on that and tries to open this enticing chest, but being a smart girl and all, she finds it's trapped and stops to disarm the device.




http://i.imgur.com/isWOT.jpg
Unfortunately Ahmad's English classes haven't covered the word "boobytrap" yet and he only understands the first four letters of the word.




http://i.imgur.com/IXMu3.jpg
Sigh.




http://i.imgur.com/VxLhx.jpg
Yes, I guess it was too much to ask that we'd leave this place even remotely intact. Let's go. The reconsruction crews can thank us later.




http://i.imgur.com/pn3yH.jpg
So: the extraction point can wait for a while. We'll go check the treasure map's place first. We have to. Otherwise Ahmad won't ever shut up about his bloody "candy" that he keeps repeating for the whole trip.




http://i.imgur.com/KJe8h.jpg
Hmm. A ruined house. At least we can't be blamed for destroying it, which is bonus I suppose. But I once saw in a film that ruined houses like this are perfect hiding places for snipers and such. Better be careful.




http://i.imgur.com/gOodQ.jpg
Since I'm parading around the open field singing Lili Marlene here, I must conclude the Brits are either blind, deaf, both or don't exist. I'm still not convinced, though. There is something wrong in here.




http://i.imgur.com/uSsrd.jpg
I know! I'll tell Pälli there is booze on the third floor! He charges in and...




http://i.imgur.com/KmFsA.jpg
Hmm. Fascinating.




http://i.imgur.com/kzbEz.jpg
It appears there were a few traps in the house. I wonder if Elli is alright?




http://i.imgur.com/qje2V.jpg
No? Bah! Have Dani patch him up with some ducttape and he'll be as good as new!




http://i.imgur.com/76Me9.jpg
Meanwhile Ahmad can go get anything useful from the now even more ruined ruins.




http://i.imgur.com/0rMw9.jpg
They went through all this trouble to hide a simple letter? What is this, some cheapskate Romeo and Juliet spin-off? Screw this!

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 11: THE PLOT THICKENS


http://i.imgur.com/poAym.jpg
Bah! What a waste of my time these last few missions have been! Screw that cold, rainy island! We are going back to the continent. It's time for a holiday, and I hear Brandenburg is full of single maidens this time of the war, so...




http://i.imgur.com/mcswN.jpg
I have barely mapped all the potential bars and restaurants in the city, when I'm suddenly interrupted by a courier. It seems someone from the brass is requesting me and my squad to meet him at his manor house at once. Finally! I'm getting a medal! And maybe I can get a squad resembling real soldiers too, if I ask really nicely!

What are we waiting for! Let's go! Someone get a wheelbarrow and bring that drunken Manchester pig along too!




http://i.imgur.com/tYzlN.jpg
Look, I know I look ridicilous. Would you believe it if I said I'm a squad leader of a super secret service and my superiors still havent granted me a permission to get rid of this stupid costume?




http://i.imgur.com/4YQfm.jpg
Yeah, I guess I wouldn't either. However, I have something I know to make every proper German tremble in fear and admiration.




http://i.imgur.com/WQUuS.jpg
BEHOLD! BUREAUCRACY!!!




http://i.imgur.com/GVWC1.jpg
It works. The guard takes us to the courtyard, where we are to meet Colonel Koch soon.




http://i.imgur.com/rOVsh.jpg
Hmm. He went inside a while ago and hasn't come back yet. Drama senses...tingling...




http://i.imgur.com/YVXcu.jpg
Holy cow! Mean looking guards in front of us!




http://i.imgur.com/QCIYM.jpg
Behind us!




http://i.imgur.com/JwFv4.jpg
Even above us! A trap!




http://i.imgur.com/BxiZO.jpg
You know...after all we've been through so far, I somehow feel I should have seen this coming.




http://i.imgur.com/yGgyV.jpg
Okay, squad: the enemy is pointing guns at us from all directions. They outnumber us gazillion to one. They have trained their sights on our heads. They are entrenched inside a castle like house with hundreds of vantage points all looking down to this courtyard we have been led into. You know what that means?




http://i.imgur.com/QxxDh.jpg
CHAAAARGE!!!!




http://i.imgur.com/CijYX.jpg
Rule number one of hopeless situations: do something so wildly illogical that your opponent simply doesn't have any idea how to react.




http://i.imgur.com/wGxH8.jpg
Holly drops the two grunts on the main gate with a grenade...




http://i.imgur.com/NXTEC.jpg
...And we make a heroic escape, shooting our way through all the flabbergasted bad guys in the courtyard.




http://i.imgur.com/ezNbv.jpg
The closest cover seems to be this small room on the left side of the house, so we storm it, stuff everyone where ever they can fit and bolt the door behind us.




http://i.imgur.com/XVIte.jpg
However, the door won't help us for long when the bad guys are emptying a clip after clip to it. I suppose that now, having cornered ourselves inside the house, is a good time to come up with a little more detailed escape plan.

[Hottentot]

http://www.picgifs.com/avatars/animals/hamster/avatars-hamster-598063.jpg

Hello. This is Humphrey the Hamster. I'm here to inform you that there will be no regular updates until further notice. The actual news is that this time it's almost not the fault of that Hottentot dolt. Imgur ate two of his screenshots meant for the next update and there is a black hole in their place instead. Because Hottentot is too stupid to upload those two missing screenshots again and I'm too lazy to guide him in doing it all over again, there will be a pause for a while. Updates will resume once Imgur sorts itself out, which might be right after posting this or next year.

Either way, I have used this excellent excuse for beating the snot out of Hottentot and hope the mental image of him getting his arse handed to him by a hamster amuses you where the updates cannot. You are of course meanwhile welcome and invited to keep the thread up by admiring my greatness or dissing Hottentot, whatever suits you best.

Sincerely:
Humphrey H. Hamster, Super Genius

[Hottentot]

OK, you miserable junkies, here's your daily fix again. :03:

No idea how long Imgur is going to work for me this time, but let's hope for the best. Not counting these bugs, it's an awesome service.

------

http://i.imgur.com/c10xa.jpg
As might be expected from this group, "a more detailed escape plan" in practise means "every man for himself". No one even pretends to listen to me this time, and my words fade into the noise of Ahmad's master key opening us a new escape route.




http://i.imgur.com/KxqhY.jpg
Klaus gets hit by a bullet flying through the door, panics and scrambles to the second floor. He is closely followed by bandage waving Dani and Pälli who just seems to need someone to follow...




http://i.imgur.com/ttFmw.jpg
The latter manages to be surprisingly effective this time. Hearing noises from the room next to them, he throws a grenade in there and judging by the screams it sounds like he hit something too.




http://i.imgur.com/b1GMt.jpg
Meanwhile Klaus gets back on his feet and looks menacing. I yell him not to fire a single shot. Otherwise the scared enemies might figure out that the gun pointing out of the window is just for show and attack us again.




http://i.imgur.com/JfmxT.jpg
Ahmad and Holly keep clearing the first floor. They have no qualms of shooting this weirdly dressed fellow who has decided that the most effective way of attacking is backwards.




http://i.imgur.com/gpfsk.jpg
Aha! I knew it! What would a dramatic trap be without a cutscene of the bad guy getting informed of his completely ruined masterplan...




http://i.imgur.com/kOPON.jpg
...And then ordering the preparation of his super secret escape plan B. However, Colonel Koch fails to take one angle into consideration.




http://i.imgur.com/gdnI0.jpg
That making dramatic plans with your dead second in command is more healthy to do in a room in which the said second in command didn't die just two seconds ago.




http://i.imgur.com/mHGEn.jpg
The front door finally gives in. But I also have good angle on the approaching enemy soldiers from there. Time to prepare all the one liners I can remember.




http://i.imgur.com/kabE2.jpg
Since I have to reload every now and then plus remember a whole lot of "good news and bad news" jokes for the hordes that keep pouring in, I have Ahmad suppress them for a moment.




http://i.imgur.com/BDOQd.jpg
It would be more reassuring if the dolt didn't destroy half of the wall too while he is at it. I may want to live in this house once I become a celebrity, you know.




http://i.imgur.com/KT6HP.jpg
And there he goes vandalizing more of my possible future property! Ahmad hears some sounds from outside, and he doesn't let a mere brick wall stand in the way of his divine rage.




http://i.imgur.com/Mdiei.jpg
Meanwhile this idiot's annual quota of sane moments has been filled and he has been hypnotized a gramophone stuck to playing some horrendous excuse for a song in an alien language (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vglCHcZuCQ).




http://i.imgur.com/pLz6M.jpg
His musical euphoria is suddenly disturbed by someone climbing up the stairs.




http://i.imgur.com/S59ul.jpg
Pälli expresses his rather explosive opinion on someone disturbing his rare cultural moment.




http://i.imgur.com/cU93V.jpg
Based on the stuff falling down the stairs, I'd say culture won this round.




http://i.imgur.com/SFHfO.jpg
Holly is already busy looting all the chests in the house and manages to take out a few guards in process too.




http://i.imgur.com/E5dh6.jpg
Meanwhile I'm tired of Ahmad not letting anyone even near the door when I'm loaded to brim with cliches. And mind you, far better ones than that Koch fool. I mean, come on. "Escape capsule"! Where in the world he would fit an...




http://i.imgur.com/DpRsJ.jpg
Escape...capsule...

Oh...

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/BVZ4o.jpg
Ahmad wants to have a better look at it, so he decides to go to the third floor. The doors on the bridge happen to be locked however...




http://i.imgur.com/u40cu.jpg
So Ahmad makes his own stairs instead.




http://i.imgur.com/AG9JM.jpg
A less than bright sniper comes to see how a giant hole suddenly appeared on the floor.




http://i.imgur.com/79P32.jpg
He understands it first hand as Ahmad decides the hole is still not big enough for him to drag his arse through it.




http://i.imgur.com/2R1yu.jpg
Figuring he can get an even better view from the room across, Ahmed tries to move inside, but an invisible force is blocking his way. Ahmad is sure he hears someone laughing and senses a finger pointed towards him, but can't for the life of him figure where the source of the noise could be.




http://i.imgur.com/aLCDd.jpg
Until suddenly he takes a step forward and gets in a close contact with the enemy. Oh yes. So veeery close contact.




http://i.imgur.com/oMKjj.jpg
And Ahmad just happens to have a very stern opinions on close contact between two single men. Not that it stops him from first sticking his machinegun to...well, you know...before firing and subsequently causing a terrible mess.




http://i.imgur.com/Jim4D.jpg
Still feeling dirty and not just because of being covered by the deceased enemy's intestines, Ahmad wants to escape the evil situation by making another hole to the roof and climbing to the next floor.




http://i.imgur.com/St5vr.jpg
He may be happier not knowing he almost had Koch's personal fantasy buddy fall on his head. No, better not tell him and just leave the corpse where it is.




http://i.imgur.com/JxCYp.jpg
I'm having enough of this weirdo house. It's time to leave, and I'm going to do it with style. Finding keys to Koch's car, I tell Pälli to drag good old Colonel to its trunk, so we can take him to some peaceful place for interrogation.




http://i.imgur.com/5TgNO.jpg
Whut? Where is he going? I clearly told him to take the Colonel to the...




http://i.imgur.com/thN9L.jpg
..."machine"...

No! Don't go there! Stop! No! Bad Pälli! No treat for you!



http://i.imgur.com/Hvlss.jpg
Quick! Someone stop that imbecile!




http://i.imgur.com/j9z3T.jpg
No! Don't climb those ladders! Stay away from the cockpit! Did you hear me! Don't go there! Don't touch that button! Don't...

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 12: WINTER WONDERLAND

http://i.imgur.com/6JbfG.jpg

Ow, my spleen...




http://i.imgur.com/uhaNG.jpg
Is everyone alright? More to the point, is everyone alright enough to beat the crap out of that Manchester grunt?!




http://i.imgur.com/sYnDF.jpg
Where are we anyway? All I see is a whole lot of snow and a huge...




http://i.imgur.com/x9kL3.jpg
House...


Oh darn...




http://i.imgur.com/z7ze3.jpg
Hey, where is Pälli?




http://i.imgur.com/hL7kc.jpg
[Beeb]




http://i.imgur.com/rlUVi.jpg
Okay, no time to come up with a plan! Follow me! The first one to catch that idiot and hurt him in a painful way gets a bonus!




http://i.imgur.com/VoQke.jpg
Mölli wastes no time with alerting every single Ivan of our presence here. As if crashing a scifi looking jet fighter to the ground wasn't enough.




http://i.imgur.com/q7kX2.jpg
Klaus finds a decent spot to scare off a few who come looking for us by the road.




http://i.imgur.com/GaaBA.jpg
Dani, on the other hand, makes an effort to catch up with Pälli and give him an overdose of morphine.




http://i.imgur.com/YcU3y.jpg
However, she underestimates his clever nature, much like you can get every now and then surprised by a frenzying orangutan if you're not careful enough.




http://i.imgur.com/zYeIa.jpg
Instead she gets into a firefight with some of the Soviet reinforcements.




http://i.imgur.com/Rje9Y.jpg
Meanwhile the said orangutan demonstrates why you shouldn't give guns to chimps.




http://i.imgur.com/1d698.jpg
Because while it may occasionally appear effective with it...




http://i.imgur.com/UotqH.jpg
...Deep inside...




http://i.imgur.com/yhkPF.jpg
...It's still a chimp. Well, at least that should keep it down until we can dig it out of the rubble.




http://i.imgur.com/6sHNx.jpg
One can hope, right?

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/6be43.jpg
Holly, Ahmad and I try stopping Pälli from escaping through the front door. To my surprise we ambush one of those weirdly dressed black mask fellows we saw at the manor. What are they doing here?




http://i.imgur.com/FFaB3.jpg
No matter. A short burts from my silenced gun ensures we stay unnoticed.




http://i.imgur.com/TbWVi.jpg
That is, until Ahmad spots another one and uses his very non silenced gun on the new target.




http://i.imgur.com/MIF1E.jpg
Some good news too. Pälli ran out of ammo. Not that it stops him, but he has a much smaller chance of maiming any of us with stray bullets.




http://i.imgur.com/OfDLd.jpg
It appears, though, that I didn't take his grenades into account when saying that.




http://i.imgur.com/7Dxa1.jpg
Even the snowmen are not safe from his wrath. Pälli says he didn't like its red nose.




http://i.imgur.com/bYyUM.jpg
But that's where we finally catch him. When told nicely, he agrees to put that grenade away. That's the good news.




http://i.imgur.com/tzIyY.jpg
The bad is that he used a few of them before we found him. We'd better get out of here and see if we can lift a ride back to Europe before someone follows the sound of explosions and endless expletitives.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 13: COLD COMFORT



http://i.imgur.com/8cU97.jpg
After walking for a while we find a huge warehouse that seems to be abandoned. Seeing how quickly the night is approaching around here and it's the only shelter we have, we decide to get in. Maybe I can find a nice supervisor's office with Holly and Dani and...




http://i.imgur.com/K3Wqh.jpg
...Aaaand, it appears the warehouse isn't abandoned at all. Okay, relax. We don't have to fight here. They haven't noticed us. Let's just slip back outside and...




http://i.imgur.com/MzgJo.jpg
Crap.




http://i.imgur.com/TKirQ.jpg
Okay, crew, change of plans: grab some freaking cover!




http://i.imgur.com/N3Xhb.jpg
Ahmad doesn't care about cover. Climbing on the top of a box pile, he shoots the first burst towards any shapes moving in the shadows. Unfortunately there were some not so moving, explosive shapes in the path of his bullets.




http://i.imgur.com/KfQFa.jpg
Pälli has again ran his merry way and approaches the snipers on the catwalk from below. But instead of shooting them...




http://i.imgur.com/lEXxC.jpg
...He decides the right course of action is to blow up a huge pile of barrels from under them.




http://i.imgur.com/XDg1B.jpg
Of course, that makes him the favorite target of every single Ivan in the warehouse.




http://i.imgur.com/SXYAF.jpg
For some reason such attention seems to make him all the happier. The reds bite a grenade after another, while Pälli ignores the fact that you can almost see through him with all those new holes in his body.




http://i.imgur.com/zIdCN.jpg
I also manage to ambush two enemies who tried flanking us.




http://i.imgur.com/4lkxR.jpg
Speaking of flanking, I order Holly to hit them from the left while I keep them busy from the front. Team work, baby!




http://i.imgur.com/CphEq.jpg
It would work better, if my team had even faint idea of loyalty and wouldn't forget their orders as soon as they see, and I quote, "Ooo, shinies!"




http://i.imgur.com/pxMjR.jpg
Ahmad does a good job destroying the railings on the catwalk while trying to hit the sniper sitting on it. With any luck that Ivan will eventually burst into hysterical laughter, fall off and die.




http://i.imgur.com/gIYVd.jpg
Dani is the only one still doing something useful here in addition to me. She catches up with Pälli and pumps him so full of medicine that the dolt throws down his gun, mutters he loves everyone and passes out.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/gLRdZ.jpg
I can't believe it! Klaus has spotted two enemies charging from the second floor. But he has a little problem: he only has one bullet left.




http://i.imgur.com/kMEIw.jpg
I wonder how will he...




http://i.imgur.com/B3SZO.jpg
...Oh...




http://i.imgur.com/X6HBK.jpg
I see.




http://i.imgur.com/SnuhY.jpg
For the record dimwit: it's difficult to search the second floor when you blow half of the stairs to kingdom come!




http://i.imgur.com/k9mno.jpg
Okay, no panic. There must be another way up. There always is. It's as if these places were designed to be accidentally destroyed by pimple faced losers with the IQ of a lima bean.




http://i.imgur.com/Hru7w.jpg
See? What did I tell you? A conveniently placed ladder!




http://i.imgur.com/LZ0WN.jpg
Though very inconveniently placed behind a wall. Not that it stops a great squad leader like me. Ahmad!




http://i.imgur.com/KCqUu.jpg
Thank you.




http://i.imgur.com/gWUvO.jpg
Now let's see what they are hiding in here.




http://i.imgur.com/DJSpD.jpg
Another locked door? I'd call Holly here, but I'm afraid she is still preoccupied with polishing her latest loot. So: when the door is locked...




http://i.imgur.com/e0XZ6.jpg
...Use the window. And shoot everyone behind it just to be sure.




http://i.imgur.com/Ibj7U.jpg
I have no idea who this guy is, but he is dressed better than any of these reds we have seen so far. So I have Ahmad pick him up if he has anything useful.




http://i.imgur.com/ase1u.jpg
The good news don't end there! From the office's balcony I spot a railway car down below. It seems to be lacking a locomotive, though, but that shoudn't be a problem. We'll sleep over night and once Pälli wakes up we can harness him in front of it and have him pull us back home.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 14: SANTA'S WORKSHOP




http://i.imgur.com/mVCt0.jpg
Well. So much for my great plan. No matter how much I whipped him, Pälli could only drag us for a few hundred kilometers before passing out every few seconds. We need to come up with something more suitable for our trip back home, so we disembark and continue on foot.




http://i.imgur.com/Xxnbf.jpg
Following a whistling sound, we find this huge fortrtess that doesn't look like it's accepting visitors.




http://i.imgur.com/CX4xW.jpg
But it's our only chance. The whistling comes from a locomotive, and we are going to steal it or my name isn't...well, nevermind. The point is that we're going to do some good old fashion train robbery tonight.




http://i.imgur.com/096yv.jpg
Of course for that to succeed, certain...precautions must be taken. So this time I'm going in alone and scouting ahead without my loyal minions.




http://i.imgur.com/ozaY9.jpg
Okay, careful now. The portable shadow should keep me undetected in the night if only I move very slowly and cautiously.




http://i.imgur.com/hkooQ.jpg
Figuring the best way to approach is from right flank, I make my way behind these barracks...




http://i.imgur.com/hyWv3.jpg
And approach a cliff, which I can probably climb. So far so good.




http://i.imgur.com/cSHkz.jpg
Oops, there appears to be a sniper in the tower. Perhaps he is as blind as Klaus? Okay, no panic...




http://i.imgur.com/4PtUs.jpg
What the bloody biscuit, was that a shot?! Okay, panic!




http://i.imgur.com/11u1v.jpg
Seeing I'm detected, I make a run for it. With every step I'm already writing a strongly worded letter to the High Command. Whose bright idea was it to have me sneak around snowy hills dressing bright green?!




http://i.imgur.com/qNl4R.jpg
Whew. He may have better perception than his one eyed colleague, but that fortunately didn't make him any better shot. I think I lost him.




http://i.imgur.com/b9Nqx.jpg
Back to the mission: I approach the locomotive quietly and hear some weird clanking sounds near it. Must be its guards banging their guns to something. Okay, they may have heard the sniper taking a few shots at me, but I'm sure that if I act quickly I can still...




http://i.imgur.com/Gw807.jpg
Uh, ambush and drop them...before they can...make...a...

W...T...F...ARE...THOSE...THINGS?!!




http://i.imgur.com/eu1au.jpg
It's either the cold or irrational fear that makes me freeze on my spot. Either way, I'm forced to observe those walking tuna cans for a while and see one of them finally going away. The other still remains where it was, and I don't suppose my gun can dent it.




http://i.imgur.com/VsYhi.jpg
Alright, Plan B. If I can't kill it, then I can sneak closer and...




http://i.imgur.com/LBeGL.jpg
RUN LIKE A PANIC STRICKEN BUNNY, HOPING IT DIDN'T SEE ME!!!




http://i.imgur.com/zM9CZ.jpg
Crap! It saw me! I can hear it clanking behind me! Keep running!




http://i.imgur.com/Oyn2K.jpg
Whew. Good thing those things are slow. I think it didn't see me hiding in here. But now there are more sounds coming from the right side of the train car...




http://i.imgur.com/5vNST.jpg
Alright, it's just some geek wearing a...gas mask, I think? Either way, a bullet in the face should be enough to take care of this new threat. No panic.




http://i.imgur.com/DSyO9.jpg
Shoot! Another one of those! Did it see that geek falling?

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/PIsgq.jpg
I think it did. But maybe it's too dumb to search me from this side of the pillar?




http://i.imgur.com/yGfXD.jpg
Oooor then not? Well, whenever a cunning master plan goes wrong...




http://i.imgur.com/8GG9T.jpg
...Run away until you can come up with a new one!




http://i.imgur.com/JfZP4.jpg
Just what is this place anyway? A secret geek convention?!




http://i.imgur.com/IDcxb.jpg
I can't take on all those weirdos! These ladders are my only hope! Those animated trash cans can't climb!




http://i.imgur.com/ZuOjC.jpg
However, I'm afraid the geeks can. I can't decide what's more depressing! The fact that I'm about to die here or that it's about to happen in the hands gas mask wearing nerds like whom I used to bully at school when I was 10! Payback really is a b...




http://i.imgur.com/JZtQv.jpg
Up? Inside? Up? Inside? No time to waste! Inside!




http://i.imgur.com/PYLwS.jpg
What? Another one of those? Do they breed somewhere in here?!


Actually, nevermind. I really don't want to know.




http://i.imgur.com/vU0Qt.jpg
Terribly sorry, but I'm really in the middle of something here. I'm sure running for my life counts.




http://i.imgur.com/UceJX.jpg
Alright, safe for a while. Bolt the door and hope they'll have to think for a minute where I went. Now let's see what this place is all about meanwhile.




http://i.imgur.com/fUtGs.jpg
Panzerklein? Not only they look like some Japanese kid's math class drawing, they even have an utterly dumb name too.


Germany, you say? Hey! I'm the squad leader of the super secret service here! Why didn't anyone tell me about this?! Someone has a lot to answer for when I get back home! If I get back home...




http://i.imgur.com/k6Hlq.jpg
Not to be a pessimist, but I think they somehow located me. Throwing a coin probably did it...




http://i.imgur.com/thv47.jpg
However, this time I'm prepared! Take that, you sick fetishist!




http://i.imgur.com/qohsz.jpg
Another one bites the dust. But the third one stubbornly refuses to run into my line of firing. So I guess I need to...




http://i.imgur.com/O5MBE.jpg
...Go there myself and...


Okay, I know I'm repeating myself, but I just have to ask: W...T...F...IS...THAT...THING?!!




http://i.imgur.com/fc1VR.jpg
It's either a secret super weapon or a giant green-black phallic object. Either way, I decide to take it and see if I can locate a trigger somewhere in it. And in case I do, I'll shoot the first person who intentionally misunderstood the last part.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/mTdav.jpg
There might be more nerds on my tail, so I decide to take another door out.




http://i.imgur.com/magU2.jpg
However, I fail to take into account that those geeks might have a backdoor too. Or a back hatch, as the case happens to be.




http://i.imgur.com/4VNxO.jpg
I take out a few of them on the roof...




http://i.imgur.com/Q6AS6.jpg
And the rest get what they deserve in the corridors. Time to move on.




http://i.imgur.com/ZnHXq.jpg
If the nerds can go up the ladders, then I can go down the ladders. And seeing the surprised look on that guard's face, it seems they didn't expect that.




http://i.imgur.com/D5Sh2.jpg
However, there is still the question of those things...




http://i.imgur.com/9bJqv.jpg
But this time I'm prepared! Take that!




http://i.imgur.com/KoDq8.jpg
The downside of super secret phallic looking weapons is that they make a lot of noise. Hearing more footsteps from nearby, I hide in this small storeroom...




http://i.imgur.com/f6DkS.jpg
...And hope for a miracle as another one of those trash bins comes looking for me.




http://i.imgur.com/BdUEW.jpg
I said miracle, not a plight! Hearing the sounds of the battle, my squad decides to rush into the fight without my orders. Or any other sort of order for that matter.




http://i.imgur.com/Jm1Kz.jpg
Klaus fires the first shots at some of the perimeter's outer guards, skillfully ruining my plan to make this look like a small scale infiltration operation instead of a full scale assault.




http://i.imgur.com/TV9G0.jpg
Meanwhile I'm still stuck in the storeroom, and there never is a backdoor exit when you need one. My only hope is that the visibility from those machines is really bad...




http://i.imgur.com/AZMeW.jpg
...Or that my bunch of self-destructive fools can save me. No pressure, huh?




http://i.imgur.com/Ip7Cb.jpg
Juggling between the two entrances to the store room, my salvation is that the stupid machine can't decide which one it prefers for blowing me to smithereens.




http://i.imgur.com/ukTru.jpg
The bumbling fools I call my squad advance quickly and overpower the guards on the hill by zigzagging randomly closer and closer to their positions.




http://i.imgur.com/WWnaE.jpg
Meanwhile I try disguising as a box and hope it buys me a few more seconds to curse those idiots...




http://i.imgur.com/EZ9Vj.jpg
Can't they be any slower in getting here? I can literally hear my death approaching, damn it!




http://i.imgur.com/8qdVL.jpg
Well, I'm not going down without a fight! Every fool who isn't wearing 10 inches of armor gets acquintanced with my gun.




http://i.imgur.com/noN92.jpg
Outside one of those snipers in the guard towers, on the other hand...




http://i.imgur.com/4Tm73.jpg
...Learns that wearing a few inches of wood around you is no good when it also happens to provide a huge target for a trigger happy machinegunner on the ground.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/r6PUq.jpg
Okay, this it it. I'm surrounded. No escape! Game over man! Game over!




http://i.imgur.com/xt2kC.jpg
Well, I'm not going to die without looking cool at least while doing it! Catch me if you can, stupid tin man!




http://i.imgur.com/dQKPG.jpg
Near the barracks Pälli meets another one of those walking tanks. Being too dumb to know fear, he simply takes his biggest grenade and lobs it towards the thing.




http://i.imgur.com/ytDvS.jpg
It...it worked? Why didn't I think of that?


Uh...I mean...good job, Pälli! See, listening to my instructions is for your own good!


However, I don't like the way he looks at that disabled panzerklein. Surely he isn't thinking to...




http://i.imgur.com/tsy9D.jpg
Well sure, what did you expect after a question like that?




http://i.imgur.com/TRR2u.jpg
Ahmad drops the other sniper the same way as the first one. Literally.




http://i.imgur.com/LAduJ.jpg
I, on the other hand, manage to evade the laser beams whistling by and meet up with Dani. I wish she would just take the damn gun and stop with the double entendres already!




http://i.imgur.com/PKcWU.jpg
Pälli is doing with his new toy the only thing he can imagine: randombly shooting things and seeing what happens.




http://i.imgur.com/Eo1aZ.jpg
This time it works surprisingly well. He covers Holly enough for her to man, err, woman, that other tin can.




http://i.imgur.com/jZurk.jpg
And it doesn't take her a long time to figure out what should be done with it.




http://i.imgur.com/xJqh8.jpg
And as for us at the door, now that the tables have been turned...




http://i.imgur.com/O1a2z.jpg
Boo, motherlover!




http://i.imgur.com/kvMz1.jpg
Dani and Ahmad finish off the white one that has been hounding me. Seeing their apparent leader fall, the rest of the geeks run away. But then the loudspeakers come to life...




http://i.imgur.com/tW0gi.jpg
Destroy the facility? Destroy it?!




http://i.imgur.com/qHG2Q.jpg
Waaaay ahead of you, pal. Now lug your arses to the train double time, crew! We are finally out of here!

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 15: BRUTE FORCE IS A VALID TACTIC





http://i.imgur.com/q3YXW.jpg
Cool. Not only did we make it back to the base, we brought some souvenirs from Russia too. I'm only afraid of the time when I have to write a coherent report on all of this. Perhaps I could use lots of pictures and repetitive jokes to make it look like I have something to say?




http://i.imgur.com/A1K6J.jpg
However, that has to wait. I said I want an explanation and I want it now. I have been risking my life all this time when available were also machines that would have made me impervious to the bullets of my squad mates. Someone is going to tell me why I wasn't issued one, and that someone is the commander of this weapon factory.




http://i.imgur.com/9PCih.jpg
Good morning. I want in. And I'm willing to let my squad members play with these overgrown garbage bins near your facility if I'm not let through.




http://i.imgur.com/8mW2z.jpg
That worked. We get to meet the general immediately and...wow! Just...wow!!


I mean, all this time, all these missions, all these near death situations and finally...I have finally found a person who has as ridiculous uniform as I do!




http://i.imgur.com/v20PG.jpg
I have hardly gorged myself in the joy of for once being the one to point and laugh instead of being pointed and laughed at, when one of the general's underlings spoils all my fun.




http://i.imgur.com/1U4HX.jpg
Sigh. I should have seen this coming. I really should.




http://i.imgur.com/wbuwl.jpg
Okay, crew! Where did you leave your new toys? And more importantly, did you take the ignition keys with you?




http://i.imgur.com/DMkjN.jpg
Because whoever came knocking the door sure didn't have as good manners as we did.




http://i.imgur.com/rfhA6.jpg
Well, what do you know? A little fatherly lecture on politeness and they are all running down the stairs to get into their rust buckets before the bad guys will. I should try this more often.




http://i.imgur.com/d6xbG.jpg
The lecture is naturally wasted on Ahmad, who runs to the completely opposite direction and tries to peek through the windows to see the assailants. Since the windows are too high for him to reach, however...




http://i.imgur.com/PEqtb.jpg
...He uses a grenade to improve the view.




http://i.imgur.com/hgWsY.jpg
Okay, it sure worked. Not only does he now see that we are outnumbered, our outnumberers also see him clear as day. Ahmad grins, locks and loads.




http://i.imgur.com/vfs1x.jpg
Pälli, still not really capable of independent thought, has so far just mimicked what the others have done. Since the last thing his proto-brain processed was Ahmad blowing a wall away...




http://i.imgur.com/e1pcB.jpg
...He chucks a grenade towards one too.




http://i.imgur.com/C2Ruk.jpg
The explosion made a huge hole in the floor, through which my brave troops can jump to the first floor, being marginally faster and 27 % more cool looking.




http://i.imgur.com/hkqh9.jpg
They also just trapped me inside the general's office. I can't have a good enough look at Elli's face to determine if he is grinning or not.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/BVeck.jpg
Holly (who, incidentally, didn't use the hole) reaches the courtyard first. Getting stuck right next to the door, she's an easy target for a few opportunists.




http://i.imgur.com/y6XTI.jpg
But they soon have other things to worry about as Ahmad opens fire again and accompanied with maniacal laughter mows down a few of them.




http://i.imgur.com/2CEai.jpg
The death of their comrades occupied the enemies for a few critical seconds that it took for Holly to reach her iron coffin. Yep, as I've said in the past too: payback really is a...




http://i.imgur.com/bUSej.jpg
Mölli is the next to reach the courtyard and finds himself to be the centerpiece of manly attention. Pondering what to do for a while, he figures...




http://i.imgur.com/GtrMJ.jpg
...That the best way to not being outnumbered is to...




http://i.imgur.com/fxfTi.jpg
...Chuck something explosive in the middle of the tightly packed hostiles.




http://i.imgur.com/p65KK.jpg
After which he runs to his motorized rubbish bin and gives hearty regards to the ones still left.




http://i.imgur.com/hpAkz.jpg
Ahmad, seeing his targets vanishing into red, screaming puffs, goes berserk and empties a drum of ammunition to the courtyard. The bullets kill one, the ricochets wound a few more.




http://i.imgur.com/6MZdg.jpg
Seeing that their human wave is quickly turning into a duck pond of their own intestines, the enemy brings in reinforcements.




http://i.imgur.com/bYfog.jpg
Holly counters by bringing in more ammo from her gatling guns.




http://i.imgur.com/zHsjK.jpg
Meanwhile I have finally found my way out of the office and rush to support my brave troops. With my tactical genius and mastery of military strategy, I'm sure we can...




http://i.imgur.com/4Rg4r.jpg
...Uh, turn the tide of this hopeless battle to our advantage? I mean, you need me, right? Right?




http://i.imgur.com/Lqbn0.jpg
Ha! See that?! That's something you all had failed to spot! But worry not, my frightened squad! Your valiant leader has saved the day by depriving this hidden enemy from devilishly flanking you!




http://i.imgur.com/gjGeJ.jpg
I mean, not that you weren't wearing heavily armed beer cans, but...




http://i.imgur.com/iUvL4.jpg
Could you at least pretend I'm the protagonist of this story? Please?




http://i.imgur.com/u6Cpi.jpg
I'm sure they can't hear me when those horrible machines are making such loud noises. How Pälli manages to hear someone hiding behind this factory door is beyond me, but it doesn't stop him from shooting there.




http://i.imgur.com/M3Qth.jpg
There is a scream, which would indicate he hit something. Then there is a clank. And then a loud...




http://i.imgur.com/5nEtL.jpg
...Boom. We'll tell the General it was the enemy trying to hit us from behind.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/vlglb.jpg
While the battle is still raging, I decide to hit them from the rear for real. Putting my portable shadow on and sneaking behind these big crates, I find an enemy saboteur who no doubt was trying to bleed on my poor, scared minions.




http://i.imgur.com/pUeaL.jpg
No more of them are hiding behind the crates. I reach their flank easily and see they are very preoccupied with something.




http://i.imgur.com/r6MVI.jpg
Like hiding from Ahmad who is still trying to hit something, screaming more furiously with every missing bullet.




http://i.imgur.com/tWZ3B.jpg
I don't think Ahmad would ever understand the concept of suppressive fire, but nevertheless it works perfectly. This panic stricken assailant will soon find peace in whatever weird after life might wait for a person wearing gas mask and a full rain coat in such a sunny day.




http://i.imgur.com/8CQTt.jpg
Figuring I have better view from high ground, I climb to the roof of this guard house and pray it stays intact long enough for me to get down too.




http://i.imgur.com/5du6N.jpg
There is still one bad guy left here, armed with a Panzerschreck. While those mechanical beverage containers are ridiculously overpowered, I don't think even they could stand the force of a missile being shot in the face.




http://i.imgur.com/ReLCN.jpg
As tempted as I am to have Pälli conduct empirical field tests on that, I decide it's best to eliminate the thread. He might have hit Holly or Dani.




http://i.imgur.com/ThcQY.jpg
A lone sniper and the officer leading the charge are getting to know very personally how I felt back in that geek filled factory. Watching the show from the rooftop, I remind myself to get a case of cold beer with me the next time such situation might come up.




http://i.imgur.com/NbRDD.jpg
Here my good colleague is showing real officer spirit by facing the certain death standing up, pointing the enemy with a pistol...




http://i.imgur.com/q30cr.jpg
...And then telling the other poor bastard to die for his country.




http://i.imgur.com/z81nj.jpg
His drama took long enough for Holly to take aim, though. Since he seems to be in a rush, Holly gives him a push with both of her gatling guns.




http://i.imgur.com/leGQw.jpg
And because the troops should always follow their officer, the sniper gets a free flight lesson as well.




http://i.imgur.com/Ok8Be.jpg
That was the last of them, General Sir. Now I think we can discuss the finer points of military fashion, and maybe you can write to my superiors about yours truly wanting some proper clothing, so I can die for the Fatherland in a more stylish way.




http://i.imgur.com/lFSJS.jpg
Uh, yeah, about that...




http://i.imgur.com/5xh5T.jpg
...You may need to do some basic renovation here and there...

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 16: NEUTRALITY DOESN'T STOP BULLETS




http://i.imgur.com/Clmbq.jpg
Not really wanting to be near the General when the realizes his factory doesn't function anymore, I quickly request a transfer to the safest place possible: Switzerland!




http://i.imgur.com/6suXG.jpg
So far all the documents and clues we have found during the missions have pointed more and more towards this place. There is something rotten in here, and it's not the cheese. Our subtle methods and meticulous research finally lead us to a certain factory, which we approach...




http://i.imgur.com/0974m.jpg
...In as silent and subtle way as you can while walking in six clanking and banging suits of armor. The locals fortunately believed it when we told we were from a traveling circus and didn't alert the authorities.




http://i.imgur.com/mZaMH.jpg
Sooo: another factory then? Looks just like the kind we've seen before.




http://i.imgur.com/kJsNR.jpg
Including the standard issue, poorly concealed sniper on the roof.




http://i.imgur.com/iInVj.jpg
Since these things have already proven to be quite bullet proof, he shouldn't be a problem, I think. Now how does this gate open? I don't want Ahmad vandalizing the property of a neutral country.




http://i.imgur.com/litHV.jpg
Ahmad takes my wish to heart and instead asks the gatekeeper politely. He answers by shooting Ahmad with a light machinegun.




http://i.imgur.com/Jy1GQ.jpg
Ahmad speaks fluent Machinegun, and the two have a little conversation.




http://i.imgur.com/Paz6T.jpg
And ta-dah, the gate is open. See, with a little politeness you don't necessarily need to blow everything up every time.




http://i.imgur.com/o5FST.jpg
The guards on the courtyard are showing the lovely Swiss hospitality. Our guns have barely even heated yet, and they are already offering us new bullets.




http://i.imgur.com/YYyaW.jpg
These two are observing the situation from further away. I may not be the best shot in the world, but with this new gun of mine it doesn't necessarily matter.




http://i.imgur.com/cT4Qk.jpg
Because I certainly don't need to be a marksman to drop a house on them.




http://i.imgur.com/5f42M.jpg
I admire these people, you know. Despite of impossible odds they are always ready to pose for a dramatic battle photo before getting killed.




http://i.imgur.com/5bKfp.jpg
I'll give them a little time to get set up properly. Maybe we can do a group photo? Meanwhile another guard gets to explore his inner stuffings more closely than ever before.




http://i.imgur.com/UDVFm.jpg
As if I couldn't take everyone out here myself, my less than bright squad members have also stopped colliding to each other and are advancing through the gate. Pälli fires the first shot towards one of the factory halls.




http://i.imgur.com/buNSh.jpg
That was to be expected.




http://i.imgur.com/PEU8w.jpg
Look at the bright side: the dim lighting was bad for your eyes anyway.




http://i.imgur.com/T2s20.jpg
Ahmad is still separated from our group and does what he usually does: fires bursts into the general direction of the enemy without really seeing them. Only this time he has a double barreled, super advanced machinegun to wreak havoc with.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/Gqcqu.jpg
Pälli spots one of the raincoat wearing weirdos on the right and takes aim. The first beam from his laser weapon hits exactly where intended.




http://i.imgur.com/qiko6.jpg
...But he wasn't clever enough to also aim the second one, which ends up blowing up this little outhouse.




http://i.imgur.com/FKH3v.jpg
And leaving behind a very startled engineer who barely has time to get his pants back on.




http://i.imgur.com/5BXv8.jpg
More of them keep pouring from the exploded factory hall, along with civilians. Ahmad doesn't seem to care which ones his bullets hit.




http://i.imgur.com/lkVeS.jpg
But Dani does. Seeing the engineer frightened at the blown up outhouse, she immediately disembarks from her Panzerklein and heroically charges to help him. What does she think she is?! A bloody Red Cross paramedic?!




http://i.imgur.com/9ZXri.jpg
Of course we have to cover her, because I like her more as one Dani shaped piece.




http://i.imgur.com/1blVU.jpg
There! Will you look at that! I've been dragging her around all this time and instead of showing gratitude, she goes tend some Swiss nerd who just had a house blown up around him! The nerve of that woman! I hate altruists!




http://i.imgur.com/LapoC.jpg
Not only does she do that, she also gives the rest of the enemies a bright idea. They all fortify next to the remaining civilians and take pot shots at us from there.




http://i.imgur.com/fQR9h.jpg
I sure hope we can get rid of them in some less messy way before Ahmad gets here. Having shot up the guardhouse enough to fit through, he is starting to look bored again.




http://i.imgur.com/SypcH.jpg
Fortunately there is still one sniper on the roofs, so Ahmad gets to play an anti-aircraft artillery for a while.




http://i.imgur.com/WDKrm.jpg
Just long enough for Dani to fix the engineer and send him away. But now that the enemies have regrouped, it might be difficult for her to get back to her protective rubbish bin. So what to do?




http://i.imgur.com/xujnu.jpg
You go girl!




http://i.imgur.com/b1ihh.jpg
Dani, mad at the enemies taking advantage of innocent civilians, shows them her less tender side. I just wish she would stop shouting "naughty naughty naughty!"




http://i.imgur.com/RULKZ.jpg
More reinforcements have finally dug themselves through the rubble I created when dropping the house on those two guards. And just seeing piles of bodies on the courtyard doesn't seem to stop them.




http://i.imgur.com/4ytEv.jpg
Holly opens fire with the gatling gun, which isn't very effective from these distances.




http://i.imgur.com/RmI2O.jpg
But it destroys the building enough for Mölli to get a clear line of sight at the trio with his grenade.




http://i.imgur.com/hGaOA.jpg
A sneaky enemy officer thought he'd steal Pälli's rust can meanwhile, but he quickly realizes that trying to take a banana away from a chimp is not a good idea.




http://i.imgur.com/NBBmM.jpg
Oops, it seems the explosion didn't get them all. There is still an officer, bravely armed with a pistol, ready to face us like honest gentlemen on the fields of battle.




http://i.imgur.com/HvLug.jpg
I'd love to, but I can't get there fast enough to stop Ahmad from teaching him a military concept that this officer apparently missed in his academy classes: "Superior firepower".




http://i.imgur.com/RPP3I.jpg
Moving in and destroying the factory buildings almost as quickly as the enemies inside them, we are quickly getting the last of the remnants.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/aBGaF.jpg
OK, so this place may also need a little fixing after the war, but hey, did they really except to just sit through the whole show on the top of their cheese and gold stores? Now they can feel great solidarity with the rest of reconstructing Europe.




http://i.imgur.com/SLy3i.jpg
Besides, that's beyond the scope of my adventures. I signed a paper saying I'm not responsible for my actions as long as they get lots of audience for my adventures. So, as per usual, it's time to go check out the building for secret documents and find...


Absolutely nothing?




http://i.imgur.com/5aLX9.jpg
No, I'm taking that back. One sneaky foe has snuck behind me and tried to ambush me from under the skirt of this civilian woman. First of all: I despise such cowardice. Second: keep the skirt up while I shoot you, please.




http://i.imgur.com/0FEBU.jpg
More of them are coming! Worry not, fair maiden! I, the veteran of many battlefields, shall protect you! I shall shield you from all the harm! My manly stature shall be the fortress you can hide behind! My gun will be like a revenge of the angels, smiting against all who have wronged you! My zipper shall slide down like an avalanche from the snow topped mountains and uncover my lordly...




http://i.imgur.com/jczxI.jpg
WHO THE [BEEB] JUST STOLE MY KILL WHEN I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A MONOLOGUE?!!




http://i.imgur.com/QjwCk.jpg
Well...I suppose I can still stand here looking heroic. So how about you and me...




http://i.imgur.com/FqeLl.jpg
[Grumble grumble] stupid ungrateful woman [mumble grumble]




http://i.imgur.com/0nZt5.jpg
Out of my way, I'm in the middle of an angsting scene.




http://i.imgur.com/Kn7JN.jpg
Crap, should stop talking so loudly when covertly killing people. It seems I have company and it's not the happy looking sort.




http://i.imgur.com/D246y.jpg
Well, if I can't use my natural asset, at least I still have this phallic object that will surely make a few ladies ask questions about the thing in my pocket after the war. Take that!




http://i.imgur.com/ovaBZ.jpg
Another one comes looking for his fallen comrade. He finds the body, but not the tuna can.




http://i.imgur.com/v9kIQ.jpg
That's because I found better use for it.




http://i.imgur.com/MZTQY.jpg
Okay, further down to the cellar. All sneaky like now. Try to forget that stupid harpy. And her tender hands. And soft skin. And the enticing smell of her perfume. And the eyes like two stars in the night. And the...




http://i.imgur.com/2miO6.jpg
GAAAH [BEEB] THIS!! TAKE THAT SIR CLANKS-A-LOT!!




http://i.imgur.com/jS7RQ.jpg
Another glorified beer can quits its military career, but it wasn't alone. There are still a few guards left, stationed in this factory hall in the back.




http://i.imgur.com/U1ksB.jpg
I think I have just found a way to vent some of my surplus anger.




http://i.imgur.com/8mxgE.jpg
Hello! I have a complaint to file about the Swiss women! Here, let me demonstrate my dissatisfaction!




http://i.imgur.com/lEzlN.jpg
Ahmad was right, that actually did help. Now if my drama senses are right, the bad guys wouldn't guard this generic door so heavily if there wasn't something really important behind it.




http://i.imgur.com/bPnfd.jpg
After lots of cursing, banging, crashing and making new door ways, we finally manage to drag the squad and their toys here. Now let's see what's so vital to the success of the bad guys that they had to go through all this trouble to keep us away from there...

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 17: UNDERGROUND LAIRS? REALLY?


http://i.imgur.com/sPjl3.jpg
Shockingly enough it appears to be another part of the factory.




http://i.imgur.com/7T2pS.jpg
With the welcome committee already in place to greet us.




http://i.imgur.com/pgJyJ.jpg
Being the only one who can actually see anything here, I open up by killing a guard next to us. And screw the stealth, finally I get to do it with a badass looking muzzle flash!




http://i.imgur.com/sSega.jpg
Pälli and Klaus open up with lasers, quickly crippling most of the defenders. With the beams or with the rubble falling on their heads, I really don't care anymore.




http://i.imgur.com/oUEBG.jpg
Either way, the first bad guys scarper soon enough and we are good to go.




http://i.imgur.com/1beQZ.jpg
The ones that are left get greeted by Holly, who still whines about not getting to use her new guns enough.




http://i.imgur.com/uPZci.jpg
I, on the other hand, find out that carrying a huge, glowing laser bazooka with me doesn't make me any less stealthy. Too bad for that Panzerklein.




http://i.imgur.com/1KjpP.jpg
There, however, is still the matter of their unarmored spotters. One of those manages to ambush me while I'm trying to gesture those idiots down below to get their gas eating fantasy machines up here where I am.




http://i.imgur.com/ZWORq.jpg
Seeing that he knows I'm hiding behind the corner and is ready to shoot, I must use a clever strategy to beat my foe.




http://i.imgur.com/EXcXM.jpg
That is, call Holly here to scare the stuff out of him with a wild burst.




http://i.imgur.com/dLaFq.jpg
And then kill him with a little better aimed burst myself. Teamwork: using your unwitting companions to best achieve the wanted results.




http://i.imgur.com/L9Nn8.jpg
Alright, the team is advancing and I'm spotting for them. In this case I spot two angry looking tin cans guarding the corridor. This doesn't bode well.




http://i.imgur.com/k9b03.jpg
An epic fight ensues and like everyone with even rudimentary understanding of drama knows, no one can hit the broadside of a barn in those. Except for that one stray bullet hitting the nameless companion, who then says something really wise before groaning and dying. Seeing that I'm the only protagonist here who still doesn't have a real name, I quickly escape through the hole they just blasted to the floor.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/GrZ33.jpg
Alone at last. And cherry on the top is that I ambush another rust bucket, who isn't expecting us to strike from the above.




http://i.imgur.com/I8Z2F.jpg
Boo!




http://i.imgur.com/uDqY7.jpg
Based on the sounds from above, the rest of my underlings have joined the fight. I'd better leave before they drop this whole factory on my head.




http://i.imgur.com/ps3s8.jpg
Exiting from the little office room, I see I have some unarmored company.




http://i.imgur.com/ZnXgS.jpg
How fortunate that someone just forgot an unused two legged tank in here.




http://i.imgur.com/lLQnD.jpg
Yoohoo!




http://i.imgur.com/xfCa1.jpg
What, aren't you going to try and shoot me? Even just a little? No?




http://i.imgur.com/fXa11.jpg
Whatever. One...




http://i.imgur.com/JfgIm.jpg
...And two. Grunts like this don't even deserve punch lines. Need to save the best material for the main antagonists.




http://i.imgur.com/AaeW5.jpg
Alright, my five minutes of omnipotence are over. Back to the reality. If you can call dodging laser beams from walking conserves a reality, that is.




http://i.imgur.com/xaHug.jpg
My father used to say that you don't need to dodge that which doesn't see you. He died in a car accident, by the way. But I think there was wisdom in his words. Other one I like is this...




http://i.imgur.com/Ee4sI.jpg
You don't need to dodge that which doesn't get to shoot at you in the first place! Surprise!




http://i.imgur.com/OO3dl.jpg
Okay, this is it. End of the line. Since I can't see any more doorways, no holes, no nothing through which I could squeeze to continue my absurd adventure, then this can only be one place.




http://i.imgur.com/bhTsl.jpg
The end boss lair!




http://i.imgur.com/T3oTL.jpg
I suppose I should try running from between his legs, find an axe and cut a hole in the floor so he could fall to the center of the Earth, but screw that. This is much easier.




http://i.imgur.com/NQ0wf.jpg
The battle was anti-climactic, but at least I got a totally great looking black tin can out of it! This should impress the ladies, now that I saved the world.




http://i.imgur.com/1i7SU.jpg
Oh. Right. "Your princess is in another castle." Typical.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 18: EXPECT THE EXPECTED


http://i.imgur.com/lGca8.jpg
You know...when I started this bizarre adventure, I had in mind lots of locations it could end in, but a forsaken island in the middle of nowhere was not one of them. I mean, even I am more original than that.




http://i.imgur.com/9sqzj.jpg
Nor did I expect to find a silo with a launch ready rocket, guarded by...wait for it...A FLYING ROBOT SUIT THAT SHOOTS LASER FROM ITS ARMS!! That's it, I want to speak with my manager!




http://i.imgur.com/SEwZo.jpg
Yeah. Right. And we of course arrive just a few minutes before the inevitable doomsday weapon is launched into the orbit and the world will plunge into chaos. What's next?




http://i.imgur.com/0Tkoi.jpg
The bad guy taunting me for taking so long to find my way here. Check.




http://i.imgur.com/0fW0c.jpg
Right, and of course realizing that took another minute, so there we go.




http://i.imgur.com/k0CJD.jpg
OK, crew, here's the ultimate battle plan: sod all tactics, form line and as soon as you see the personification of bad story telling, fire a full broadside at it!




http://i.imgur.com/TwCR5.jpg
Ha! There it is! Got you!




http://i.imgur.com/KjxLR.jpg
Oh. Right. The bad guy of course also has endless amount of underlings, and I think I just wasted the minion number 23065 (the one that bakes chocolate chip cookies.)




http://i.imgur.com/EHyfO.jpg
This is too slow! I don't know how that thing manages to hide from us, but we can't just parade all around here looking for it! There has to be a more drama viable way!




http://i.imgur.com/5IOFB.jpg
Great idea! I'll disembark and duel with it myself! That should make sure the spotlight keeps following me all the time!




http://i.imgur.com/dvwqd.jpg
Man, this place is a maze. I just met the minion number 9724 (the one that talks dirty in sleep), but I can't find his boss. Just how difficult is it to find something in a vertical silo, damn it?!




http://i.imgur.com/UvBam.jpg
There! Imagination eating abomination spotted! Open fire! For the better film entertainment of our children!




http://i.imgur.com/u9AJE.jpg
Gotcha! My trusty tin can disposal machine (which I totally don't need to reinforce my masculinity) will end your reign of trollopish tale spinning for good!




http://i.imgur.com/z9gMr.jpg
What? Are you...are you blaming your underlings for the failure of your master plan now?! Stop that! Just... stop that! Your psychological warfare is not cool, OK!

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/7Qag8.jpg
Alright, we killed the evil cliche machine and now just have to deactivate the rocket. I think this elevator would take us to the control room.




http://i.imgur.com/6FOVf.jpg
Of course, if it was that simple, this story would be much shorter. Instead of doing what's logically most proper, we find out that we can't fit in the elevator. Someone has to go in alone. Someone like me. And whenever the protagonist has to go inside alone...




http://i.imgur.com/ACvjX.jpg
...There is a 94,87 % chance that the main antagonist survived the first encounter and is down there preparing for the ultimate duel.




http://i.imgur.com/EYW3u.jpg
That also explains why they are always poor shots.


Hey, wait a second? Drama senses overloading! Syntax error! Is that a...a...woman?




http://i.imgur.com/T6E8X.jpg
Wait wait wait, I need time to adapt to this horrendous new turn of events! All my one liners were prepared for a middle aged, thin, bald male with bad taste for facial hair and a tribal tattoo. Can we pause for, like, two hours or so?




http://i.imgur.com/DAfxQ.jpg
OK, OK, now think. It's a woman. A woman, for goodness sake! I mean, I kind of realize it's a dangerous lunatic, an egomaniac bent on world domination, but it's still a woman...




http://i.imgur.com/4CHL4.jpg
...With such sensual voice...and a raven black hair...and a very nice cleavage...and...and...




http://i.imgur.com/kEGta.jpg
Hnnnngggh!!!




http://i.imgur.com/AeR3u.jpg
DIE YOU DIRTY STORY CLIMAX SPOILING HARPY!!!!!!!!!

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/d5DYe.jpg
Whew, that felt surprisingly good. Okay, no time to waste! Get to the control room!




http://i.imgur.com/7PVrg.jpg
What?! You can't be serious! A locked door!




http://i.imgur.com/osLoS.jpg
I guess Ahmad's method might work. It has worked before! But since it doesn't...holy cow...




http://i.imgur.com/E2lEL.jpg
Quick! Quick, I have to see! Could it be...I mean, after so long time could it really be...




http://i.imgur.com/WHiVy.jpg
I have been waiting for it, looking for it everywhere, fallen a sleep every night praying for it, even one little ounce of it...could it really be...




http://i.imgur.com/epmTr.jpg
YES!!! COMMON SENSE AT LAST!!! SHE HAD A KEY!!!




http://i.imgur.com/q61UX.jpg
The triumph of reason brings a tear to my eye.




http://i.imgur.com/dmCIF.jpg
That or the rocket's exhaust fumes. I must act quick!




http://i.imgur.com/xlhh1.jpg
I wonder if someone forgot around here somewhere a manual, detailing how to deactivate an evil doomsday weapon from being launched into the orbit.




http://i.imgur.com/xaE2Y.jpg
Maybe if I press this button here?




http://i.imgur.com/GMo8O.jpg
How about this button here then?




http://i.imgur.com/mQAvy.jpg
When all else fails, press all the buttons randomly!




http://i.imgur.com/lGvTl.jpg
OK. Screw this. I tried my best. My mother always said it's the most important thing.




http://i.imgur.com/dWXjI.jpg
I wonder if I'll live to find out what that beeping voice was trying to tell me just before leaving. Something about activating...




http://i.imgur.com/L0cJo.jpg
The emergency explosive reserves.




http://i.imgur.com/DlbC7.jpg
Whew. I guess no world saving without escaping the secret silo building with a huge explosion on your heels. Don't worry about me, I'm okay. They always cut that part for a reason. Protip children: don't try this at home.




http://i.imgur.com/N4UFG.jpg
Obviously, following the tradition, the world will never know anything about this and all my efforts to impress the female population of the planet have been in vain. Only some basement dwelling conspiracy theorists are ever going to believe any of this and laugh at it on one of their dirty internet forums.


Then again. I guess no woman would ever take me seriously after seeing the costume I was forced to wear for this adventure? Time to finally go change it and use the more conventional ways of getting to practise horizontal mambo. And those ways, kids, are as this story would have put it: TOP SECRET!

THE END


(Finally!)

[CCIP]

Bravo! :salute:

Another excellent AAR from you as usual. I really can't add anything here that wouldn't sound dumb, but you've entirely amused me and sold me on this game yet again. :D

[CCIP]

And how convenient, the GoG's sale just started today.

Guess what game I just got >__>

[Dowly]

Thanks for the AAR, Hottentot. Good stuff as usual. :up:

[Hottentot]

And how convenient, the GoG's sale just started today.

Guess what game I just got >__>

As poorly as my stories represent the reality of these games, that money was well spent. Silent Storm has suffered a little from age, it feels clunky at the times and the destructible environment isn't that cool, but it's still a very decent game. It's just a little below (modded) Jagged Alliance 2 in my opinion, which really says a lot.

Also: these screenshots were taken with modified camera angles. The vanilla game hardly lets you zoom, let alone put the camera on ground level, which is seriously annoying. To fix this, open the Autoexec.cfg file (located in Silent Storm\cfg folder) and find these two lines almost on the top:
mission camera limits 35 10 65 -1.35 -0.75
mission camera soft limits 35 18 50 -1.4 -0.7

Replace them with:
mission camera limits 30 1 90 -1.8 -0.05
mission camera softlimits 30 2 88 -1.75 -0.05

(Or whatever values you prefer. I just copied those from another board and they worked for this AAR).


Thanks for the AAR, Hottentot. Good stuff as usual. :up:

Thanks for the idea. I was a little sceptical at first, but it turned out much better than I had expected. More to follow eventually. First I just need find a grenade that I can use to blow up that paper pile titled "university work to do" on the dusty corner of my apartment.

[CCIP]

Just out of curiosity, what mods do you recommend for JA2? It's an old favourite (and, I agree, probably best of genre) and I've also been meaning to give it another play!

[Hottentot]

I have tried a few, but the 1.13 mod (http://ja2v113.pbworks.com/w/page/4218339/FrontPage) has been the most appealing to me. I like it because it doesn't try to be an all new game, but simply improves the good old JA2 with lots of new features (http://ja2v113.pbworks.com/w/page/4218338/Features) and it just has the right...atmosphere, for the lack of a better word. Nothing says "badass" more than sweeping through a sector with your whole squad equipped with state of art night vision goggles, modified custom weapons and urban camouflage paint. :cool:

[CCIP]

Awesome, I'll definitely have to get that then!

I actually remember this mod being mentioned in an article I once bumped into about the JA2 mod scene - was surprised how much modding there was out there. Is there much of a modding scene for S2 I wonder?

[Hottentot]

Is there much of a modding scene for S2 I wonder?

Not as far as I know, but I haven't really followed it. A mod to remove the Panzerkleins (those overpowered trash bins) exists, because lots of people thought they were stupid and spoiling the game. Instead they are replaced with regular enemies, but that obviously makes the end game's plot look a little silly, because the PKs are an essential part of it. Heck, the freaking end boss is wearing one!

Speaking of Panzerkleins, by the way, make sure you have a good scout in your squad especially if you play the Allied campaign. Spoilers ahead, but I suppose you are already spoiled enough after following the AAR anyway.

The Axis can get Panzerkleins through a succesful mission (defending the weapon factory), but the only way for the Allies to get those (again, as far as I know) is to complete the third mission in the Urals. The one where my main character went in alone and found the laser weapon for the first time.
The reason for why I went alone was not the story, but the fact that this mission has a script making it a little complicated. If you kill the head of the factory (the guy in the white PK, whom you almost have to knock out to interrogate him), it initiates the self-destruction of the facility in a few turns, which leads to an automatic game over, no matter what you have done before that.

So almost the only way to complete this mission is to have a scout sneak in alone, get all the necessary intel to proceed in the story and then knock the facility's boss out as the very last thing. How the devs came up with the idea to make one of the most difficult and annoying missions in the whole game the only way to proceed in the story is beyond me, but that's how it is.

Oh, and if you like S2, you might want to get your hands on Hammer & Sickle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hammer_%26_Sickle) as well, if you come across it somewhere. It has been requested on GOG too, so it might appear in there eventually. It got very mixed reviews when released and I haven't tried it myself, but many fans of the S2 say it's a really good game, even if not really a part of the series. And it at least sounds interesting enough.