Like one big, happy family: A Subsim CK2 Dynasty AAR

[Hottentot]

Last week I sent calvary greetings to a few fellow Subsim captains, offering them a 100 % risky free chance to take part in a BUSINESS TRANSACTION involving an inherotance from a DECEASED AUNT Mr. Roger Bob they had never heard of. All fee transactions through Western Union please OK.

In all seriousness, I asked them to partake in a Crusader Kings AAR, the folks were interested and here we are. If everything goes well, we should be starting a succession game soon enough, each playing a generation or two, bringing you (un)intentional hilarity in form of different characters and different playstyles so typical to the great game.


To everyone in the old boys club: I hope you are still in, or if you haven't replied to the PM yet, express your interest here. In this thread we can agree on the details more fluently than through PM (thanks for the good idea, Rilder!), and I imagine we can also use the same thread for the eventual AAR itself to save the forum from clutter.

I think it's initially enough if we decide where we play and who starts. So far (in addition to my initial suggestions) only England has been suggested by Oberon, unless I'm suffering from a serious memory malfunction. Is that OK with everyone?
As for the sequence, I can play the first generation, unless someone else wants it. However, let's note that the first characters tend to play quicker than the later generations, so it's probably best to give the early generations to the busy people among us. I have plenty of time (holiday starting soon), so I can take later generations too, but if no one else wants it, I can go first too.

Anything else?


To the rest of the world: there is at the moment handful of us doing this, since contrary to all my expectations, most people I sent that PM to accepted the invitation (and some haven't replied yet.) Therefore it's not exactly an open invitation for everyone with CK 2. However, the more the merrier, so if you are interested, please participate in the thread and let's see where we can fit you in. All I'm asking is, that you consider it for a while before jumping in: this is an AAR, so updating it is up to each individual playing on their turn. Take this extra work into consideration before joining.

And general comments and chitter-chatter is of course as welcome as with any AAR thread. :)

- - - - - -

17.12.2012: Dear diary. My God, we haven't dissolved the whole world or even England yet by accident! In fact, we are already many generations down the road to Absurdstan. Therefore, due to popular request, I'm adding a randomly updated (read: when I'm sober enough) list of our rulers and direct links to the beginning of each one's reign.


1066 - 1084: The Inglorious Reign of Earl Waltheof the Egomaniac (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?p=1922603#post1922603)

1084 - 1124: A New Dope: Duke Eanfirth I of Deheubarth (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?p=1923228#post1923228)

1124 - 1166: More Tales From the Dark Depths of England, Volume III. The Reign of Eanfrith II the Relatively Sane (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?p=1953404#post1953404)

1166 - 1175: Chronicles of Northumbria. Reign of a Northumbrian Duke Sigeweard I 'The Builder' of Deheubarth, son of Eanfirth II (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?p=1971790#post1971790)

1175 - 1193: The short and boring reign of Duke Andrea I (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?p=1976605#post1976605)

1193 - 1253: The Blunders of Duke Andrea II the Flamboyant Schemer (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?p=1985106#post1985106)

[HunterICX]

I'm still game :)

as for play time during the week I work till 8 PM so my time is a bit limited but still I can squeeze out some CKII years out of that but in the weekend I got plenty of time to spare :shucks:

HunterICX

[Crécy]

I'm still game :)


+1

Also, England is fine. As is every other suggestion. And I don't have any preferences regarding my position in the roster.

[Oberon]

I'm game. I misunderstood the way we'd be playing it out in the PM but that's not a problem. England is good, and I look forward to the craziness that is to come. :rock:

[Rilder]

England is not a bad place to start, though a bit lacking in dynasty starting selection. (Well at least for people like me who only start as counts)

Maybe one of the Welsh guys?

[Hottentot]

Awright, since it seems we are set for now, I'll start the first generation this weekend. Updates to start flowing as soon as there is something to post.

[Raptor1]

I haven't any complaints with this arrangement. England might be somewhat difficult, given how it tends to alternate between iron rule, confusing civil war and Norwegian occupation all the time, but that shouldn't be that much of a problem.

Just one thing: can I call dibs on the first lunatic or possessed character? :O:

[Hottentot]

Just one thing: can I call dibs on the first lunatic or possessed character? :O:

That would be the second generation once the poor brat has been through 10 years of my pedagogic expertise and helpful guidance. Which reminds me, do you (whoever takes the second turn) have any wishes of how I should name the heir?

[Hottentot]

THE FIRST GENERATION
Or: The Inglorious Reign of Earl Waltheof the Egomaniac
(With lots of shiny pictures)



http://i.imgur.com/5BmZD.jpg
The year 1066 of our savior Jesus Christ. All is well in Christendom. The amount of decapitations per capita remains at steady 20. Due to some liberal and effiminate law changes recently, the rest are hanged these days.


http://i.imgur.com/v9NnP.jpg
At the heart of Christendom stands the stalwart defender of our one true faith, the Holy Roman Empire. MY EMPIRE! Well...sort of...


http://i.imgur.com/DNvPo.jpg
I have recently heard how good fish is for your health, so I migrated to these islands, which would totally be mine if there weren't, like, umpteen different lords claiming the same. They are all pretenders, of course.


http://i.imgur.com/onkQZ.jpg
This is mine, at least. The biggest and the most beautiful: the kingdom of England.


http://i.imgur.com/h7Ub7.jpg
OK, so there is this moustache-for-brains called Harold who claims to be sovereign of all England. He hasn't liked me since I told him to pull another one. Pfft, who does he think he is? Just because he can raise 100 times more men at arms than I can doesn't mean he is any better than me.


http://i.imgur.com/Wkuwl.jpg
Well anyway, I'm letting Harold to play king and concentrate on the big lines from behind the scenes, namely the county of Northampton. At least that's still mine.


http://i.imgur.com/ac2Uk.jpg
That is, if that stupid Harold managed to get his little army together and drive out these weirdly speaking men who came in those dragon boats and stink like fish. And they seem to breed like fish too.


http://i.imgur.com/w6gl9.jpg
Then there is this megalomaniac emo-hairstyle duke who thinks he should be the next sovereign of all England. And without asking my opinion either! Can you believe it?! The nerve!


http://i.imgur.com/4xBtQ.jpg
This is me: the real brain behind every great scheme that my underlings manage to foil. People say I'm wrothful, slothful and gluttonous. Well, I say they can rot in my dungeon while I eat cake in front of their cell door and then go take a nap. Bloody peasants.


http://i.imgur.com/693dU.jpg
Speaking of peasants, they are not paying me enough taxes. It's time to change that.


http://i.imgur.com/uTc90.jpg
Then I send this hunchbacked whispering guy to an independent county in Wales. His mission there is to make the local count understand that the county, in fact, belongs to me and not him. I have a long Welsh heritage, after all. WIw wcanw wspeakw wtheirw wsillyw wtonguew wveryw wfluentw wlikew wbecausew wofw witw wsow witw wmustw wbew wtruew.


http://i.imgur.com/uCAfS.jpg
While he is out there and the rest of his council colleagues have been assigned jobs too, I can finally concentrate on using my charming nature on the opposite sex. So I find this rich heiress from France and propose we'll get married.


http://i.imgur.com/19NmN.jpg
Personally I think she is annoying and ugly, but I like her rich and generous father.


http://i.imgur.com/n9r4i.jpg
While I'm busy getting laid, Harold is losing my army to the emo-lad in South.


http://i.imgur.com/GKpEB.jpg
He desperately calls me to save the day, which I of course again accept to do, but this time it comes with great personal cost.


http://i.imgur.com/cGLHt.jpg
Poor me. Can I get some attention here while I'm recovering? Can I? Huh? Can I?


http://i.imgur.com/jYj7o.jpg
Ugh, what's that horrible stench? It smells like ages old herring! Oh, right, stupid Harold lost half of the Northern part of the kingdom to the mead men, which actually doesn't surprise me anymore at all.


http://i.imgur.com/ksThk.jpg
I'm convinced this fundy is to blame. I never liked him anyway.


http://i.imgur.com/gMrSb.jpg
Blessings and glory! I have a heir!


http://i.imgur.com/MVNMe.jpg
And on the top of that, a cool scar I can exploit in my attempts of making more of them! Life is good!

[Dowly]

WIw wcanw wspeakw wtheirw wsillyw wtonguew wveryw wfluentw wlikew wbecausew wofw witw wsow witw wmustw wbew wtruew.

:rotfl2::rotfl2:

Oh my, this AAR's going to be epic. :har:

[Crécy]

Ought to we already decide who is going to take over after Hottentot?

[Hottentot]

Ought to we already decide who is going to take over after Hottentot?

Preferably: my character just died from pneumonia at the age of 36 or something, so my radiant path was cut short before I got to use even half of my popular culture references. :stare:

I'll sort the pics out and try to keep up the pace, but it can take a while. Still, I reckon it's all done in a few days.


[SPOILERS BELOW!]









For what it's worth: the heir is 15 years old, so you will have a perfect chance to choose his mentor and get him a proper education. He has relatively even mix of good and bad traits. His two brothers inherited a county each, but they are his vassals, so you are free to play dictator as you like.

[Oberon]

Do you want to take first place at the bat Crecy, or shall I?

[Crécy]

Do you want to take first place at the bat Crecy, or shall I?

You can take the first place if you want :salute:.

[Hottentot]

If it's settled, I can upload the save to some place and send a link to Oberon, so you can already start playing while I'm still updating.

- - - - - -

http://i.imgur.com/ley1S.jpg
Oh God...emo-lad is approaching my county from the South and fishmen from the North. They are here soon! Why isn't anyone doing anything?! Why are they here anyway?! Why are they all heading to my lands?!


http://i.imgur.com/pvOMl.jpg
It must be a conspiracy!!


http://i.imgur.com/VsJfj.jpg
I have found the ringleader! I heard him talking to his beard last night when he thought I wasn't watching! It must contain miniature devil spawns that are trying to replace us! And he is a gardener too! He is growing them in his evil garden! Servant of the fish gods! The fishes are out there to get me! Have you seen how they look at me from my plate?!


http://i.imgur.com/BTG1Q.jpg
Quick! Throw him in the dungeon before he poisons the well with his secret botanical serum and brainwashes us all to grow beards like that!


http://i.imgur.com/pER6x.jpg
Oh noes! It's too late! He already lured my poor innocent wife into some of his nonsense!


http://i.imgur.com/Dnx4B.jpg
A good tumbling should give her something else to think about. Poor woman.


http://i.imgur.com/b99EX.jpg
Hmm...I'm no expert on brat biology, but this one seems to be missing something very vital.

Gasp! The poor thing! The little devil spawns must have crawled in my wife's womb while she was sleeping and bitten my poor innocent child! God, give me strenght to find the servants of these evil little invaders and send them to where they belong!


http://i.imgur.com/w6SEi.jpg
Huzaa! My relentless efforts against the servants of the fish gods have been successful! The fishmen packed their dragon boats and left back to the Odinland!


http://i.imgur.com/b58hL.jpg
Not that my peasants helped. Someone has planted in their thick skulls an idea that I'm not treating them well and they don't want to fight for me.


http://i.imgur.com/4XWap.jpg
It's the fault of the lice ridden beard man in my dungeon! He is sending telepathic waves with his hat! I think we should bash his skull a little bit to make it more difficult for him!


http://i.imgur.com/H7Uce.jpg
While guards are busy reshaping the evil conspirator's cranium, I concentrate on politics and call dips on this heiress of three counties on the South coast.


http://i.imgur.com/PiFmd.jpg
Stupid guards! They were in league with the fishmen and didn't do proper job! The telepathic waves are continuing, I know it from my headache. It's time I finish this for good! It's time to send the conspiring beard man to his masters in Hell.

Hmm, I'd better not write a return address to his box, so the Swedes won't send him back here...


http://i.imgur.com/Cgfqp.jpg
As the little mumbling box floats further and further away and finally disappears behind the horizon, I still feel the headache. The telepathic waves are continuing. And this time they are coming from the West! Of course! The Welsh! It's the Welsh who are conspiring to prevent me from achieving my divinely inspired glory! How didn't I think of this sooner?


http://i.imgur.com/bBGtM.jpg
Since beardy happened to be rich and we couldn't fit all his possessions into the box, I now happen to have lots of money. I decide to use it to hire bunch of lads from the local tavern and together we leave on happy adventure in Wales.


http://i.imgur.com/nSOQa.jpg
Wtremblew wunwashedw wpretenderw! Wyourw wdaysw warew wnumberedw!


http://i.imgur.com/VyC7K.jpg
The cowardly Welsh count sent his men to fight me, but it turns out 200 men weren't enough to stop 1,700 Saxon tourists. So I tried meeting him in his castle, but he just closed the door and claimed he wasn't home. I suppose we'll have to kick it in to see if there is any truth in that.


http://i.imgur.com/AejAR.jpg
Sieging is boring. Good thing I took with me something to kill the spare time with.


http://i.imgur.com/TkxXQ.jpg
Hey, what do you know, he was home after all. Well, indeed: was. It's my home now. But I order the local carpenter to make him a new one. I think he would appreciate similar to that we gave to the beardy.


http://i.imgur.com/cBHXI.jpg
Meanwhile I'm informed that my poor, maimed child is not eager to do things. Well what wonder is that when it's missing the vital part to do anything interesting? It can't be because of me, because I'm not like that at all. Unfortunately the first five servants bringing these news just didn't get it.


http://i.imgur.com/NtEnW.jpg
Whaaaat?! Another one of those! It's worse than I thought! The little devils with their razor sharp claws have permanently infected my wife!

[Oberon]

Roger. The conspiracies begin here! :rock:

[Hottentot]

Boom! Save file sent, so time to wrap this up with one Sunday super update.

- - - - - - - -

http://i.imgur.com/ThJ6e.jpg
There is no alternative. Sometimes you just can't make an omelette without killing everyone.


http://i.imgur.com/epee3.jpg
Despite of my best efforts to convince my court of her being stained, no one seemed to take me seriously. This can mean...only that...oh no...

THEY ARE ALL IN LEAGUE WITH THE FISHMEN!!


http://i.imgur.com/k6fyc.jpg
AAAAAAAAHH!! I'M GOING TO HIDE UNDER THE BED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!


http://i.imgur.com/GWyUt.jpg
No! Pause! It's not that! Now I know what it is! The reason is my new Welsh county! It's full of Welsh people! Can you imagine?! Where did they come from?! Do they breed under rocks are they born from the swamp gas? No matter!


http://i.imgur.com/KRNm7.jpg
They can't conspire against me if I throw them all in dungeon!


http://i.imgur.com/DCMdm.jpg
Better leave no one free, just in case.


http://i.imgur.com/2UumS.jpg
My court and my vassals are all in league against me! I must do something! I will spend the money I confisticated from them to hire bunch of random people from the street to take their places!


http://i.imgur.com/UIfUS.jpg
Argh! They still exist! This one still has a county too! It's mine! Mine, I say! He took it from me when I was sleeping! He bewitched me to sleep walk and sign a parchment of lamb skin with my own blood, the devil! I will get him!


http://i.imgur.com/Bb0E7.jpg
Time to get my drinking buddies together again! Huzaa!


http://i.imgur.com/D9PAx.jpg
Maaaan, sieging is boring...


http://i.imgur.com/hQRgL.jpg
But it's worth it! Another Welshman changes his career from a count to the captain of a little wooden box.


http://i.imgur.com/sYdDR.jpg
Ha! Haha! Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaa! It worked! The devils have left!! I won!! Glory be to God who has granted me victory in the battle against my invisible enemies!


http://i.imgur.com/gF1uI.jpg
Wales is quickly becoming my personal little playground, but there is still lots of work to do. I will not rest before every little devil growing fishman is gone for good and can no longer shave my head while I'm sleeping!


http://i.imgur.com/WXenQ.jpg
While my glory grows, all sorts of lunatics start coming to my doorstep. Like this one guy covered in knitted wool armor said I should join him in his search for the Holy Grail. I told him I already got one and had the guards kick him out.


http://i.imgur.com/3Aou9.jpg
Then there is the ambassador of Elfland. Elfland! I do not know where such state is, but clearly it must be hostile to us and therefore its ambassador is an assassin hired to kill me! Guards!


http://i.imgur.com/wq3S1.jpg
My son is already six years old. He needs a tutor, a mentor, someone to teach him what is right and what is wrong. Clearly I'm the only suitable person, seeing that everyone else is already under the spell of the little red men.


http://i.imgur.com/hYLff.jpg
Under the spell or not, they can still pay taxes. Therefore I decide to build them a village directly under my vigilant eyes, so that they won't sacrifice even the smallest part of their harvest to the devilish little bugs living in their tummies.


http://i.imgur.com/RBzlb.jpg
Bah, how can I rip off the peasants when my stupid brats are bothering me all the time? What do I care about this disabled one is beating up other kids?! At least it's showing some manhood!


http://i.imgur.com/34HDY.jpg
Then there is this another one, who thinks religion, history, maths and all that sort of stuff is boring.

Well, I happen to agree. Look at me: I can't do that fancy "spilling" stuff either, and yet I'm a count and those good for nothing monks are rotting in my dungeon.


http://i.imgur.com/MfjMT.jpg
[Cough] I think all this stress is causing me to [wheeze] have a little cold. It's just a [cough] little flu, nothing to worry about.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/jpyHb.jpg
And it won't [ugh] stop me from [cough] making my baby machine to pay for her upkeep. Hehe [wheeze] hee...


http://i.imgur.com/Mzt04.jpg
Stupid peasants won't leave me alone either. So they have too many pigs? Well, I just happened to eat my last piece of ham, so...


http://i.imgur.com/qhTrR.jpg
On the international front, some towel wearing people have declared war for...Anatolia? No matter how hard I tried, I can't find such place on the map of England. Therefore I decide to imprison the messenger for conspiring to mislead me with fairy tales!


http://i.imgur.com/znQWs.jpg
It's all one big plot, I'm telling you! Now the fishmen are getting bold and practising their sick ways openly! Do something! Burn them!


http://i.imgur.com/rUuxO.jpg
And my stupid heir came again to tell me I don't know how to rule my county. Well, maybe he is right. He can think about that while I show him how well I know all the different ways you can use the birch for.


http://i.imgur.com/rUHIV.jpg
First my son turns on me and now my wife has prevented me from beating a rebellious stablemaster to death! I only got to hit him twice before she spoiled all the fun! They must be in bed together! Why would she otherwise bother?!


http://i.imgur.com/ttpi5.jpg
A messenger tells me that Harold finally kicked the bucket in battle against the emo-lad. His last word apparently were: "Ha! Missed me!"


http://i.imgur.com/F1vUq.jpg
His heir doesn't know how to grow a proper moustache either...


http://i.imgur.com/Ad9t7.jpg
Nor does he know how to pick his battles any better than Harold...


http://i.imgur.com/xUXLi.jpg
Oh well, while he is busy dying in battle, I decide to send the king of Sweden another gift.


http://i.imgur.com/GtFQ7.jpg
And with the money I got from that Welsh conspirator, I declare myself Duke Waltheof. The former duke isn't amused and waves his toy sword at me.


http://i.imgur.com/8ayRR.jpg
[Cough] Bloody flu won't leave me alone. Nor does [wheeze] the brat! Such horrible manners the little devil [cough] has. Where has he learned that violence is a good solution? I'll have to beat some sense to him.


http://i.imgur.com/82LsA.jpg
Stupid peasants have been plotting behind my back too! With my son, I'm sure! I got a letter from them saying: "We don't know who you are, but we know you are cruel, short and snub-nosed, and therefore we don't want you as our count anymore. Nyah nyah!"

Snub-nosed? SNUB-NOSED?! Why didn't anyone tell me?! People have been laughing behind my back all this time! That's what the strange looks were! Quick! Guards! Execute my head dressing servant! No, in fact, execute yourselves! EXECUTE EVERYONE!


http://i.imgur.com/mWv6Q.jpg
A thief! My good servant is a thief! Execute him too!


http://i.imgur.com/NmT8k.jpg
Innocent? There is no innocence! Only varying degrees of guilt! Better execute him just to be sure!


http://i.imgur.com/tPaXu.jpg
And then what is this? Some stupid peasants are burning my counties while I'm still busy finding out the vital [cough] truth about the shape of my nose! Why didn't anyone tell me they were being serious?! Are you all trying to overthrow me together?!


http://i.imgur.com/u0ta1.jpg
My drinking buddies at least are still loyal to me! Money always makes people loyal.


http://i.imgur.com/aOAsO.jpg
While we are together chasing peasants, we decide to pay a visit to the former duke's castle too to see if the heart of darkness is located in there.


http://i.imgur.com/fXlnm.jpg
Turns out it wasn't, but at least I got another county to rip off. Now if that good for nothing king would come and drive that army away, I can't be bothered to do it myself.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/81Obd.jpg
This nonsense again? Look, brat [cough] bloody flu [urgh] equality [cough] is good as long as [wheeze] you stay more equal than the others.

To demonstrate, I show him that our fists are not of equal size and my equality trumps his, so I'm right.


http://i.imgur.com/Yv1BQ.jpg
Cynical? Lies! That can't be possible!


http://i.imgur.com/MqLuu.jpg
I have felt lonely lately [cough]. It must be the flu getting [ugh] worse. And after all I have [wheeze] done to those ungrateful...who are...still...[cough]...left...


http://i.imgur.com/zUdoa.jpg
What?! Another plot! That's it! Guards, prepare the tort...

Wait? He is asking me to partake in killing someone? Weeeeell...


http://i.imgur.com/YMlDk.jpg
Waltheof W. Wily, Super genius...


http://i.imgur.com/UlnMF.jpg
After a polite letter to my co-conspirator, I have been given enough gold to buy all the manure in the world. Also, I have no idea how it came to this...


http://i.imgur.com/uBxqN.jpg
BOOOOOM!!


http://i.imgur.com/YNgFm.jpg
Apparently the [cough] nobles of England are now very divided on if my little prank was a hilarious example of our special sense of humor or a stupid example of continental influences on our fine amusement traditions. The whole country has turned into a giant civil war's playground. Eeeexcellent.


http://i.imgur.com/TnE55.jpg
[Cough wheeze cough] but I think...I'm not...going to...reap the fruits of...my [urgh] genius...my God what is that [cough cough] red...is...it...blood...


http://i.imgur.com/4SAHf.jpg
Guards...I order...you to...execute...my...lungs...they...cons...cons...p ire...against...meeee...

Bleeergh...:dead:

- - - - - - - - -

Alright, it's all in your hands now, Oberon. Lead us, oh fearless leader, to new zany adventures. :arrgh!:

God help us...

[Oberon]

No pressure...

Chapter II: A New Dope

It is the year of our lord 1084, and England is at war, mostly with itself. I, Duke Eanfirth I of Deheubarth govern my lands from the fair city of Cardiff in Glamorgan.

http://img525.imageshack.us/img525/7209/63359762.jpg

My father is now a pile of smouldering ashes, his funeral went well...although somehow his corpse managed to set fire to three of the courtiers. I am the eldest of five of our family, I don't know why I have so many brothers and sisters, Uncle Coenred says it's because my father couldn't keep his trousers up...which is probably true because he was always beating me with his belt...

I have five vassals, and all bar one of them hate me. Well, that's fine, I HATE THEM TOO! One of them hates me more than the others...his name is Gwrgant and he runs Dyfed, I will have to keep an eye on him...

Let's see what my castle holdings are like...

http://cdn2.irishviews.com/irishviews-cdn/400x300/stone-shack.jpg

Right, so my father spent more time beating me and my siblings than he did actually build anything. No wonder I only have a handful of coin to my name.

Well, the good news is that I am now of legal age and I have become a Flamboyant Schemer...I wonder where I get that from? Well, time to put that Flamboyance to the test!

http://img267.imageshack.us/img267/87/69058453.jpg

When he dies...it will be the most fabulous death! I will make sure of it!

Three months into my rule my mother complains that she is still single, and that her baby producing mechanisms have not be used for too long. I have a rummage through the Dating section of the local newspaper, yes, this guy will do...King Eg- King Ecg, King Ecgbeorth of England.

Wait...my King? My mother is marrying my King?

Well, he's only 8 and she's 34, what could possibly go wrong?

http://img59.imageshack.us/img59/2568/30630886.jpg
She's obviously lying...

My Marshall dies, and the only suitable replacement is that damned Gwrgant...

Wait...I'm a genius, I'll send him to repress revolts in his own county! That'll surely work! Then while I'm at it, I'll start my own plots there, and fabricate a claim on Powys.

Eanfirth, you're a genius!

http://img21.imageshack.us/img21/7087/76928550.jpg

I order a fence built around the garden.

http://www.danheller.com/images/Europe/Italy/Dolomites/Nature/old-wood-fence-bw-big.jpg

Much better... :yep:

[Hottentot]

Right, so my father spent more time beating me and my siblings than he did actually build anything. No wonder I only have a handful of coin to my name.

Bah, who would waste time on boring long term economical planning, when you can just take the money from your rich vassals after banishing them to Sweden? :D

[Oberon]

Since I sent mother off to see the King, he seems to be losing his little civil war. I didn't realise mother was such a potent weapon of mass destruction.

Meanwhile:

http://img560.imageshack.us/img560/3010/14526482.jpg
A man with some impressive facial hair seeks to finish what his father started...yeah, like a national leader would ever do such a thing.

[AAR interrupted by passing thunderstorm. Normal service will resume as soon as possible]
[Normal service will now resume...stupid drive by storms.]

The mighty Norman fleet of fourteen galleys sails up St. Georges channel in mid-1086, and lands in Dyfed...joy.

To take my mind off impending death by Frog, I get married to a courtier of the Godwin lineage, probably just in time for it to be wiped out. I also put taxes up, so my final days will be in comfort and riches.

Uncle Coenrad comes to me with news of corruption in Dyfed...it's probably due to half of it being occupied by Norman invaders, but I tell him to press on with his investigation anyway...

http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/5935/95095710.jpg
Grrrrr


Meanwhile, there's a knock at the door.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/history/img/themes/periods/normans/normans01_446.jpg
"Special delivery, it's a Norman assault force, were you expecting one?"

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_eFsJONTMNyc/RwNNiphdsYI/AAAAAAAAAJA/UlvxiPF5TY0/s320/spanish_inquisition.jpg
"NOBODY EXPECTS THE NORMAN INQUISITION!!"

And if that wasn't enough, the other half of the Civil war arrives in Dyfed to besiege what the Normans aren't already occupying. The Normans, having sacked Cardiff then march south to Winchester to attack what the other half of the Civil war is occupying.

http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/8175/72137344.jpg

Suddenly, to the north, a horrendous cry rents the air...

The Welsh hordes come!

http://www.west-wind.com/WebLog/images/200701/WindowsLiveWriter/HaveweturnedintojustabunchSheep_AC59/Sheep2_337d20f5-66b3-4b79-a217-7c3222facf67.jpg

So, at this stage King Eg...Ecg...Egg....well, it doesn't really matter what I call him at the moment...is at war with the English, the Welsh and the French.

http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t267/Merphious/Success/Borat_Great_Success.jpg

[Oberon]

On the up side, my wife is now pregnant. I hope for a boy, she hopes for a girl. Both of us hope not to be killed by a Norman, English rebel or Welsh horde.

http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/2581/21566655.jpg
It's a girl...

Well, if needs be I can sell her to a Frenchman for some goats.

On the up side, Gwrgant has become less likely to revolt...probably because the French/Welsh/English took away all his soldiers so he has nothing to revolt with...

And in the middle of all this mess, the Pope decides to call a crusade to Jerusalem. Being the deeply spiritual man that I am not, but seeing a possible way to earn prestige, I send all my forces to his aid.

Which amounts to three rowing boats and a bloke named Derek...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/northyorkshire/content/images/2006/09/12/man_in_rowing_boat_400x300.jpg
Derek sets sail for God and for glory! :rock:

[Crécy]

I'm already afraid to even think what kind of mess the later generations will be forced to sort out :dead:.

And of course, that's only a good thing :D.

[Takeda Shingen]

Not being familiar with the gameplay of Crusader Kings, I wasn't sure exactly how this was going to work. Seeing it in motion, I'll say that this is really a very cool concept. Thanks for starting this Hott, and thanks to everyone else for posting and letting the rest of us enjoy some of the fun.

[Hottentot]

Not being familiar with the gameplay of Crusader Kings, I wasn't sure exactly how this was going to work. Seeing it in motion, I'll say that this is really a very cool concept.

I think CK is actually pretty unique for an AAR like this. It's almost made for a succession game, since the whole game is about succession in the first place. The next player doesn't only continue from where the previous left, but also plays a character named and (in some cases) raised and therefore created by the previous player.

Different characters can be played in different ways, and I don't think any one of us alone could convey multiple different personalities of these characters better than many of us doing it together instead. I for one know that I just can't change my writing style fluently enough to make it happen that way.

And no matter how much the previous player tries to help the next one (or really mess things up for him), there is huge amount of randomness in the game. Your game can literally end in a second by an event such as battle, assassination or something else. I had plans to help Oberon with inheriting the whole duchy instead of giving counties to his character's brothers, but then poor Waltheof got killed by a disease with not much I could do about it. On the other hand, maybe it's better that I didn't get to continue playing a paranoid, greedy and wrothful little count any longer. :)

Hopefully this AAR is also helpful for those people who have been wondering about the game, but haven't given it another thought.

[Rilder]

Eeeexxxxceeelleent thus far.

Also how about posting the current order of Succession in the OP?

[Crécy]

Also how about posting the current order of Succession in the OP?

Good idea.

BTW, how many lords (players) we have?

[Hottentot]

Also how about posting the current order of Succession in the OP?

At some later stage, possibly. At the moment the thread is 2 pages long, so I don't think it's too much to ask for people to follow the story so far. :)


BTW, how many lords (players) we have?

Five if I'm up to date with everyone: Oberon, HunterICX, Raptor1, you and me. Possibly Rilder also (I'll let him speak for himself on this.)

[Rilder]

Five if I'm up to date with everyone: Oberon, HunterICX, Raptor1, you and me. Possibly Rilder also (I'll let him speak for himself on this.)


Yeah for now count me in!

[Oberon]

By the way, I'm not dead, just mortally wounded with man flu. Hope to get going again on Wednesday. :yep:

[Oberon]

I can pass the save file on if someone wants me to, I just don't have much time to do an AAR at the moment, in between being ill and looking after my mother who is also ill. I just can't get into the right mood to play CKII.

Do you want the save file Crecy?

[Crécy]

I can pass the save file on if someone wants me to, I just don't have much time to do an AAR at the moment, in between being ill and looking after my mother who is also ill. I just can't get into the right mood to play CKII.

Do you want the save file Crecy?

Sorry to hear that Oberon. Hope you and your mother get better soon!

I can take the file if there are no players eagerly waiting for their turn.

[Hottentot]

Aye, best wishes from me too, Oberon! I can also take the reins if need be, but seeing that I already played one generation recently, I'll gladly pass the turn to Crécy or someone else. But for the future reference, I'm here too (duh.)

Hopefully we'll still see you in this thread, either playing or commenting. :)

[Oberon]

Here you go chaps, thanks, and good luck!

http://www.mediafire.com/?swc7dnm4amma611

[Crécy]

I'm not able to play until saturday or sunday so anyone who would like to take the reins please feel free to do that! But if there are no takers before, say sunday, I'll continue the game.

[HunterICX]

Graah there goes my after work OTTD time :shifty:

Right then make way for the king! I mean...

never mind, I'll shall give it a go then :yep:

Right let's see in what kind of mess Oberon left it :O:
(btw best wishes and get well soon to you and your mom mate)

HunterICX

[Crécy]

Right then make way for the king! I mean...


Great!

Should we decide at least preliminary line of succession so people have at least some idea when they are up?

[HunterICX]

Right....and now back to the peaceful, quiet and harmonious Glamorgan with the racket made by that Lancaster scum outside my hold

http://img411.imageshack.us/img411/1336/ck22.jpg

Well...guess I better put this time to good use for some sexy time with...well what's her name and with success!

http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/9176/ck23.jpg

Oh yeah I'm the man!

Almost a year later...

http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/1989/ck24.jpg

WHAT ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE!!! DAMMIT WOMAN WHAT PART OF GIVING ME A MALE HEIR DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND! This is seriously damaging my image...

Oh yes then there was this...
http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/2177/ck25.jpg

Whether she'll proof to be useful is yet to be seen...but my god would I loved to have seen the face of my dear deadish father just for laughs.

Yay for demanding more money! but NAY! for the fact as I'm being occupied I'm not getting any of it....BAH! well I'm getting a tiny bit from the holds that haven't been occupied by that scum from Lancaster.

http://img33.imageshack.us/img33/7271/ck26.jpg

What to do with a clubfooted sister with an ambition to marry a ruler...well marry her off to a Norwegian Dwarf that smell like fish of course!

http://img3.imageshack.us/img3/4927/ck27.jpg

http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/8905/ck28.jpg

and to celebrate the departure of my beloved sister...Oh yeah I totally went that way!



Woman it better be a son this time! not another one of those...things.

About bloody time! I have a son!
http://img651.imageshack.us/img651/8091/ck210.jpg

but...what's wrong with his lip.....My god!!! Woman now you're just starting to tick me off with your devilish trickery!
http://img843.imageshack.us/img843/8247/ck211.jpg

and to make matters worse that fool from Gwent complains his troops are raised to long....I didn't raise them....go complain to that Western Germanic fool of a king that seems to be ours that has raised them! leave me alone!

and you too sister, leave me alone!
http://img23.imageshack.us/img23/7262/ck214.jpg

---

and that's it for tonight's session

HunterICX

[HunterICX]

War, War glorious War

Now we have these fokes from the North too at war with us.
http://img6.imageshack.us/img6/4610/ck217.jpg

And what do you want? Sure...why not...like there isn't enough war going on already!
http://img507.imageshack.us/img507/2087/ck218i.jpg

While in Northampton this person armed with quill wishes to write something about our culture? Oh...you mean my achievements in Culture well here you go and you better write a lot of good stuff about me or else I'll find you and skin you alive...have a nice day!

http://img651.imageshack.us/img651/8234/ck219.jpg

*Prrffffffffffffft*
He wants to rule what!
I'll make him a ruler....of the most uncomfortable place I can think of in my dungeon!
GUARDS!
http://img840.imageshack.us/img840/6420/ck220.jpg

Ow you incompetent lot! what do I even pay you for..look what you've done now he's raising his armies against me...if he even has that after being occupied for so long.
http://img822.imageshack.us/img822/1932/ck222.jpg

Hey...you...you'll help me right?
http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/3540/ck223z.jpg

Aha! Excellent! you're a lot smarter then most people I know
http://img685.imageshack.us/img685/5377/ck224.jpg

and I still got it too!
http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/114/ck225.jpg

And..you I'm helping you..so what about helping me?
http://img443.imageshack.us/img443/6766/ck227.jpg
Yes!

Ehm...what about my help? hello? Dyfed is over here.
http://img23.imageshack.us/img23/7143/ck231.jpg

Bah..in the end it doesn't matter...if you want to do it right...you'll have to do it yourself...
Me:you...advisor get me everyone.
Advisor: Everyone?
Me:EEEEEEEEVERYONE!!!

What...just 78 soldiers more....bah...advisor this can't be right I should've more then this! guess it'll have to do.
http://img152.imageshack.us/img152/3162/ck232.jpg

Heaven can wait till the day I die, food and lots of wine awaits!
http://img818.imageshack.us/img818/6240/ck233.jpg

Well..that was *hic* bloody pointless of them *burp*....but do I get any help from my ''fwiends'' I fink not...*hic*
http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/6999/ck234.jpg

There...see look what I did! all by myself! *buuuuuuuuurp* ouch..that wine
http://img696.imageshack.us/img696/9108/ck235.jpg

More coming up.

HunterICX

[HunterICX]

So *hic* My old ffrffriend... how well can .... you row a bwoat?
because....*hic* see I know you've got a lot of gold...and if you row a boat...*burp* excuse me you wouldn't mind what would happen to your gold now do you?
and the hell with the others...I'll do the same thing to them if they...dare..*waves arm around holding a cup of wine* dammit spilled my cup.
ah well I'll buy more wine from your gold! Muahahahha *snorts* Bhawahahahahaha
http://img19.imageshack.us/img19/2916/ck236.jpg

A letter from my dear..hic...brother
http://img713.imageshack.us/img713/4716/ck237.jpg
Runner!
Return this letter as it is...but before you return to his hold go to my stables and roll it into horse poo. He'll know what it means.

What you mean he has pulled out his army..that army is mine!
TRAITORS ALL OF YOU!
http://img213.imageshack.us/img213/153/ck238.jpg
He'll pay for this...Saxon band I summon thee to fight!
http://img696.imageshack.us/img696/1501/ck239.jpg

Ha...crawling before my knees begging for surrender...so shall it be but remember Brother...I'm the better man!
http://img138.imageshack.us/img138/7233/ck240.jpg

And what to do with you...the other backstabber of a brother, give me a moment.
http://img684.imageshack.us/img684/2124/ck241.jpg

wait...peace in our kingdom...just like that? but what to do now for entertainment? Who is this guy? Magnus, well at least he knows how to grow a proper mustache, but still I don't like him.
http://img594.imageshack.us/img594/1458/ck242.jpg

So..what to...do..what to do, aaaaaaaaaah yes
http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/6290/ck243.jpg

and almost forgot..my wife finally gave birth to a proper male heir without any devilish trickery that tainted him..or we have yet to find them.
http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/4198/ck244.jpg

That's it for now, more to come soon

HunterICX

[Hottentot]

When did your brother become a duke? Did he usurp or create Oxford? :-?

Edit: Ah, yes, seems he did from the coat of arms on the top of Northampton. Silly lad. Doesn't he know he is going to lose it as soon as the king bothers to notice?

[HunterICX]

When did your brother become a duke? Did he usurp or create Oxford? :-?

The former fool of a king....see screenshot

HunterICX

[Hottentot]

Hm, fascinating to see how it's going to develop if he manages to keep the title. Powerful uncles tend to be nuisances and he'll probably gets some claims too?

[HunterICX]

Hm, fascinating to see how it's going to develop if he manages to keep the title. Powerful uncles tend to be nuisances and he'll probably gets some claims too?

He currently has a strong one...mine (Duchy of Deheubarth) :O:

HunterICX

[HunterICX]

And so we continue...

Right...I'll need more people who can do me a great favour *coughs* to fill up my treasury thus I need to improve my hold with a bigger city.

http://img827.imageshack.us/img827/8207/ck245.jpg

And why is our king meddling in the affairs of the French?! There go my own troops again which I really need for my protection.

http://img651.imageshack.us/img651/7672/ck246.jpg

and what good is a city when people can just leave...I'll fix that.
It better be done while I fight the cursed infidels in Granada

http://img94.imageshack.us/img94/1923/ck248.jpg

You no good ungratefull greedy useless bloody Peasants!!!

http://img209.imageshack.us/img209/6295/ck250.jpg

The king grants me the title Master of the Hunt well I'm getting quite good at hunting these troublesome peasants down.

http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/2333/ck251.jpg

Yes...good boy...thanks for letting me know *chop chop* but am quite a bit busy HEY POINT THAT PITCHFORK ELSEWHERE! I'll deal with her later.

http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/8846/ck252.jpg

Help! Help! These damn peasants are not playing fair! Their pitchforks have a longer reach!

http://img15.imageshack.us/img15/7765/ck253.jpg

Argh! Damn these peasant all to hell!

http://img703.imageshack.us/img703/6720/ck254.jpg

God bless the king! You hear that peasants...that's the sound of your demise!
May you all burn, but not before I've looted your corps and have taken all your money!

http://img600.imageshack.us/img600/8430/ck255.jpg

Now to do something about that Devil spawn I don't dare to call family...
away with you!

http://img15.imageshack.us/img15/528/ck257.jpg

Well...for once I have to agree...here let me improve that.

http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/6107/ck258x.jpg

Meanwhile I have these no good peasants dig a moat around my castle...for better protection of well...Me ofcourse and while they're at it a stone wall too please!

While observing the construction to improve my safety I could shake a feeling I forgot too feed something....Mmmm...

http://img685.imageshack.us/img685/584/ck259.jpg

Ah yes...my dog!

And those damn peasants really need to stop beeing so much trouble. Must I remind them what our king thinks of them? well do I!?

http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/4692/ck260.jpg

and without me knowing about it for years I now hear that my dearly beloved brother died of camp fever...Well that improved my mood a bit after hearing these peasants giving me more trouble then they're worth.

And then my Steward came with an great idea!

http://img843.imageshack.us/img843/6809/ck261.jpg

So you really want one of my devil spawn to marry one of your sons? Well ofcourse take her.

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/3550/ck262.jpg

---

and that's it for tonights session.

HunterICX

[HunterICX]

Here we go again...

Well...I was getting a bit bored in this little county so why not.
http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/3567/ck264.jpg

Weee...to war!
http://img833.imageshack.us/img833/5052/ck265.jpg

Wait...what?! My son! No! How dare they! I'll get to the bottom of this!
http://img198.imageshack.us/img198/2773/ck266.jpg

It WAS YOU! wasn't it! Your name sais it all! (hint: Urban dictionary)
http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/5783/ck267.jpg
http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/5599/ck268x.jpg

How about NO you crazy Swansea Bastard! How dare you even ask me such a thing! He murdered my son and he shall pay!
http://img7.imageshack.us/img7/7679/ck269.jpg

and what's up with this annoying itch...*coughs* damn there's a witch amongst us! Somebody put a curse on me....*coughs* my wife!
http://img836.imageshack.us/img836/1434/ck270.jpg

Thank the heavens for toad guts!
http://img40.imageshack.us/img40/3093/ck271.jpg

Now...it's time to deal with that foul wench!
http://img823.imageshack.us/img823/8568/ck272.jpg

but ofcourse...I'm more then delighted to oblige
http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/3936/ck273.jpg

And king Magnus I dies and is replaced by this guy who at least knows how to grow a proper beard but happens to have a name I just can't pronounce..I shall just leave it at king Salad.
http://img18.imageshack.us/img18/8652/ck274.jpg

What? more jewelry? right it's for her witchcraft...I shall have none of it!
and besides it's a waste of money.
http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/8555/ck275.jpg

Which I can spend on a nice vial of poison to deal with her.
http://img528.imageshack.us/img528/417/ck276.jpg

Bah!
http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/2625/ck277.jpg

HunterICX

[HunterICX]

Bwahahahahaha...how cute.....
http://img593.imageshack.us/img593/1703/ck279.jpg

Watch and Learn..first you do this.
http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/5417/ck280.jpg
http://img812.imageshack.us/img812/504/ck281.jpg

Then...
http://img19.imageshack.us/img19/496/ck282.jpg
D'oh!!!!

but don't worry he's stupid enough to believe I was joking!
http://img193.imageshack.us/img193/1938/ck283.jpg

And then....
http://img694.imageshack.us/img694/6752/ck284.jpg
Problem solved...Bwhahahahahahha!

Aahh...yes my dear wife...mustn't forget about her.
http://img62.imageshack.us/img62/7008/ck285.jpg

Bah!
http://img837.imageshack.us/img837/481/ck286.jpg

and ofcourse as expected when you're named Salad you promise to do well...but at least it's the England I know, full of disagreement.
http://img28.imageshack.us/img28/4692/ck287.jpg

*BAM!* Blaahhaaaaagggghhhh hehhhehe
http://img841.imageshack.us/img841/9325/ck288.jpg

Blaaaaaaaaaaffffhhaaghhga
http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/567/ck289.jpg

BAAAAAAAH BWITCH! BWWWWIIIIIIITCH!
http://img253.imageshack.us/img253/8674/ck290.jpg

Bbb..bbb....bbwiiitttch..
http://img823.imageshack.us/img823/9482/ck291.jpg

And that's the end of that reign...so who wants to go next?
http://img713.imageshack.us/img713/7127/eanfrithii.jpg

HunterICX

[Hottentot]

Hmm, surprisingly quiet? I can take it from here, but would rather pass it to someone else who hasn't yet played. Anyone?

[Dowly]

Think Crécy might have PC issues. At least he had last week. The last I heard,
he formatted his PC during the weekend. Haven't seen him since then, tho. :hmmm:

[Drewcifer]

I would jump in but I simply just don't have the time on my plate right now. :nope:

[Raptor1]

Well, if Crécy or someone else doesn't take this character in the next few days, then I shall take it.

[Hottentot]

Awesome, thanks Raptor! :salute:

[Crécy]

Think Crécy might have PC issues. At least he had last week. The last I heard,
he formatted his PC during the weekend. Haven't seen him since then, tho. :hmmm:

Indeed, I'm having a bit of troubles. Basically the trouble is that every game tends to CTD. So I'd rather not take over the game before I get the problem resolved. Even though it pains me to see that Raptor1 has to play with a kind character...

[HunterICX]

Yeah I suck at raising kids :O:

HunterICX

[Hottentot]

You could have told him to grow a little less disturbing moustache at least. I'm sure there is an event about that somewhere in the game files. God, there just has to be!

[HunterICX]

CAPSLOCK BUMP!!!!

Right just to get it out there
does any of you feel like continuing this or not?

HunterICX

[Hottentot]

CAPSLOCK BUMP!!!!

Right just to get it out there
does any of you feel like continuing this or not?

HunterICX

Seeing that the last post was more than a month ago without any sort of reply, I think the answer is pretty obvious.

What happened anyway?

[HunterICX]

What happened anyway?

I think we must put Crecy and Raptor on the freshly oiled racks and pull the answer out of them.

HunterICX

[Raptor1]

Well, actually, I played about 20 years of the latest save, but then a certain game got in the way of me actually posting the AAR. So, yes, this game is still on, I just have to get around to writing something...

[Oberon]

Sectoids! I knew it! :nope:

[Crécy]

I can hold the torch after Raptor1.

[Hottentot]

I'm pretty much swamped with the uni and the work at the moment, but in case you guys are willing to continue this, then so am I. The only problem being that I just got a new rig and as far as I know, there has been a new patch for CK 2 meanwhile. So I'll have to see if the stupid steam would somehow actually let me patch the freshly installed game to the older version we were using for this instead of forcing me to use the latest one.

[Raptor1]

It is the First of June, Anno Domini 1124. The British Isles are at war as the mighty armies of England and Scotland clash across the countryside. At the edge of the Kingdom of England, the plains of Glamorgan are shrouded in the darkness of the pre-dawn hours. A lone horseman bearing the yellow and red coat of arms of the Duchy of Deheubarth stops outside a decrepit tavern on the outskirts of the county capital of Cardiff. Bypassing a pair of guards standing at the doorway and looking away with stark disinterest, the horseman enters the building at a brisk walk.

The handful of patrons do not bother giving more than a glance to the newcomer as he shuts the door behind him and proceeds towards the corner. "Sire," he says to the man with his face on the table.

"Wuh...?" exclaims the man as he awakens with a startle, staring all around before settling his eyes on the courier now kneeling besides him. "Wwho wut wha?"

"Sire, I have grave news. Your father, Duke Eanfrith, is dead." the courier says, trying his best to ignore the man's babbling. Not comprehending a single word, the man resumes his confused glare. "You have been proclaimed as his successor."

"Wud duuyyu wwunt..." The man trails off as he collapses once more onto the table.

And thus began Eanfrith II's reign as Duke of Deheubarth.

More Tales From the Dark Depths of England, Volume III

The Reign of Eanfrith II the Relatively Sane
Chapter I

I am Eanfrith II of the House of Northumbria. Following my father's tragic demise in the year of our lord 1124, I have ascended to the glorious throne of the Duchy of Deheubarth. And a glorious throne it is indeed; reigning over three counties and who-knows-how-many people, I am possibly the fourth or fifth most powerful Duke in the whole of the Kingdom of England!

Upon my succession to the Duchy, I have immediately set about what any sane person would have done in my place; swimming in the enormous pile of gold in my treasury! There were more gold coins in this treasury than in those of any of the other English Dukes, and even more than was held by the King himself! My advisors babbled on about my predecessors' negligence in investing this money in their holdings, but they knew naught of the intrinsic value of humongous piles of gold, which clearly surpasses that of mere buildings and developed land.

After spending the requisite time in the presence of my gold, I proceeded to the second most important task of the day. The dungeon was dank and poorly lighted to my satisfaction. I went past the cells of commoner prisoners, whose begging for mercy I expertly ignored, to find an unusually well-dressed person inhabiting one of the cells. "Who is this?" I ask.

It is apparently my uncle, who was thrown here some years ago because of some manner of treason. Holding the County of Gwent, he is the only feudal lord in the Duchy besides myself. "Yes, yes." I say, not caring one bit. "But he is ruining the atmosphere with those fancy clothes. We cannot have that!" I offered the man a deal: he can clear out of my otherwise perfect dungeon, and since I am very kind, I'll even let him live, providing he gives me all his money and titles. He accepts. Well, I think he does, anyway, as I could not hear his reply over my voice instructing the guards to throw him out of the Duchy.

http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/8905/ck28.jpg

Over the next several days, I receive several letters from my vassals, calling my seizure of his titles and assets "unlawful", "tyrannical" and other such nonsense. But what do they know, anyway?

The following month, I happen across an invitation to attend the Summer Fair's Archery contest. I am just about to decline when the realization hits me. Summer Fair? Who arranged such a thing? Did I pay for it? I cannot allow my precious money to be wasted on such nonsense! Deciding to investigate this strange occurrence, I went to the Archery contest and witnessed a mysterious man winning the event and running off with a huge sack of gold coins. This must be some manner of conspiracy! Somebody clearly started this rigged contest in an attempt to embezzle my money. I send the guards to find the suspicious 'winner', recover my money and jail him and his cohorts.

http://img825.imageshack.us/img825/8091/ck210.jpg

Near the end of October, a courier from the King arrives at my castle. The arrival of such couriers is rarely a good sign; too often a completely innocent Duke such as myself can find himself on the receiving end of letters informing him that "We apologize but we need more troops", or "You will now pay us even more taxes", or "Get out, this is our castle now". Truly a troublesome occurrence. While I would not be so cruel as to needlessly do such a thing, I make preparations to nail the courier's hat to his head - a practice which, I hear, is gaining popularity across Europe - in case I do not take a liking to his words. Despite my worries, I cannot help but admire the courage of the courier approaching my throne. A job such as his must be one of the most dangerous professions in existence, often leaving the courier's fate to the whims of the receiver of the message, and yet he confidently strides forth to deliver me his master's words.

It turns out my concern is unfounded. The King merely wishes me to serve as his marshal. At last, my glorious talents as a military commander have been recognized! I feign disinterest, however. "Is the King willing to pay for my services?" I ask, inspecting my fingernails. Yes, the courier responds, he does. "But 'marshal' is such a boring title," I say, "I wonder if the King will allow me to take the title of 'supreme commander of the army', or something to that effect..." The courier looks around uncertainly. Deciding to be gracious, I tell him that very well, he can tell the King that I accept his appointment.

http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/2108/ck211u.jpg

In December, I receive news that the Pope has called for a new Crusade against Jerusalem. The previous attempt has not exactly progressed quite as well was hoped. By which I mean it wasn't quite successful. By which I mean it was an utter disaster, so I was not terribly optimistic regarding the results of this one. Still, I would have volunteered for the chance to go and slaughter some heathens had I not been already occupied with training the King's troops.

http://img717.imageshack.us/img717/8884/ck213.jpg

One day, I was taking a stroll around the castle when I spotted a child leaving the dungeon. It took me some moments to remember that his was Eanfrith, my first son and alleged heir. I have a number of kids, but they are so useless, I often forget. It takes me even longer to realize what he is a holding: a red-stained knife. Realization dawns on me. Of course! He has discovered the truth as well!

Young Eanfrith attempts to hide his implement of destruction, but I tell him that he has nothing to hide. "I see you have seen what true evil looks like. Come! I shall help you in slaying it!" I say as I lead the child into the depths of the dungeon, ignoring the unusually loud screaming coming out of one of the cells.

http://img812.imageshack.us/img812/7262/ck214.jpg

My feet are drenched in red and the remnants of our vanquished foe. The battle was brief and vicious, with no quarter given, but of course evil cannot triumph over the forces of justice. I laugh aloud, celebrating our victory over our accursed tormentors. But my son is not participating in the celebration; perhaps he is too shocked by the slaughter? I look around to find him cowering at the corner of the room; he has not participating in the fighting at all! I give him a disdainful look, "Don't tell me you like tomatoes!"

He bursts from the room crying. Could this coward really be fit to succeed me?

http://img849.imageshack.us/img849/4895/ck215.jpg

...to be continued! Tune in next time for Chapter II: The Boring Years!

[Raptor1]

Well, that was a bit longer than I thought it would be...

[Hottentot]

Huzaa! :woot:

On a sidenote: "Hmm, my father was named Eanfrith. He named me Eanfrith. I now have a son who shall be known as...Eanfrith!"

[Raptor1]

The Reign of Eanfrith II the Somewhat Sane
Chapter II

The decade or so following the fateful year of 1124 was perhaps the most trying of my reign. Nothing happened at all! Well, nearly at all. Oh, sure, the occasional peasant had to be hanged and the occasional bloody civil war raged across the realm as some noble or other decided he wasn't fond of the King, but none of that quite concerned me. As I paced restlessly about my castle, I began to suspect that the conspiracy infesting my court was behind this; attempting to drive me to madness with boredom. I have not managed to prove anything, but I know they are behind it. There is no other logical explanation. Still, I will mention the few notable events that did happen during these long years.

On my thirtieth birthday in 1127, I have been informed that my mustache causes small children to cry and kills sheep at twenty paces. Knowing that my mustache was clearly the source of my power and that this nonsense was merely the conspiracy attempting to deprive me of it, I have grown it even larger than it was. Ha, take that!

http://img17.imageshack.us/img17/4610/ck217.jpg

In October of 1129, my Court Chaplain, Eanfrith, requests a private audience with me. This is rather unusual; he usually keeps to himself, locked in his chapel doing whatever it is Court Chaplains do. I accept his request, having nothing better to do. We meet in the dark cellar, which is where, by Ducal decree, all private meetings must take place. After my guards make sure he isn't carrying any weapons - one can never be too careful with his advisors - he enters the room with a humongous pile of strange books. It is at that point that I realize what was bothering me. I begin to wonder if everyone in this Duchy is called Eanfrith, and whether that's the work of the same vast and unseen conspiracy targeting me. It was damn confusing, in any case.

I decide not to press the issue for the moment and inquire as to what he wanted from me. The Chaplain lays down his stack of books on the table. "Sire," he says. "I have been exhaustively studying the Fraticelli, I believe I have found it to be the true path to enlightenment..."

Fraticelli...? Suddenly, I grasp what he is implying. I stand up and grab the Chaplain's by his collar. "Fool!" I shout. "You should know well that Sphagetti alone is God's true pasta!" He tries to babble something in protest, but I have none of it. I call the guards and order that he be thrown into the dungeon and all traces of his heretical noodles purged from the realm.

http://img266.imageshack.us/img266/6519/ck218.jpg

At the end of 1131, I receive news that the heathens occupying the Holy Land have been crushed. I cheer for the triumph of God's armies, but lament the gold coins I now owe the Duke of Gloucester for losing my bet. This event also coincidentally marks the beginning of the end of the boring years.

The following year, my supposed heir Eanfrith comes of age. He is looking mighty shady too, reinforcing my suspicion that he is not truly fit to be my successor. In order to get rid of his annoying presence, I pick the Countess of something or other at random and marry him off to her. I then promptly send him off to infest her court.

http://img94.imageshack.us/img94/114/ck225.jpg

In December, a third son is born to me and my wife. Clotilde proposes that he be named Sigeweard, which is probably Saxon for 'strange looking' or something like that. Since it is not yet another Eanfrith and I do not care one bit otherwise, I have no objection to this name.

The same month I also receive an invitation from the King to attend a feast. It's clearly a ruse to frame me for some horrendous crime which will be arranged to happen at this alleged feast, or just throw me in the dungeon with some flimsy justification, or something to that effect. As if I'd fall for such cheap tricks! Yet, much as I try to consider this rationally, the lure of free food and drink becomes irresistible. I succumb to my temptations and declare that I will travel to this feast. Curse it! I shall to be extra careful not to fall into their trap.

http://imageshack.us/a/img6/6766/ck227.jpg

I travel to the location of the feast, the court of King Sælræd in Cornwall, early in 1133. Much to my satisfaction, there is plenty of food and drink to be found. Much to my suspicion, not a single incident takes place during the entire proceedings. Clearly this is nothing but an attempt to lull me into a false sense of security. Of course, I shall not fall for that either. The King and his conspiracy will have to try better than that!

http://imageshack.us/a/img32/4484/ck228.jpg

Some weeks later, an envoy arrives from the King. Not the usual courier, but the shady sort of messenger that is supposed to covertly deliver covert messages and utterly fails at it. As expected, he demands that I speak to him in the dark cellar. I oblige him. Logically, if the King wanted to kill me, he would have done so at the feast, though of course I make preparations just in case logic has already become a casualty of the insane schemes that I am certain are being set in motion by King Sælræd even at this very moment.

It turns out that I am safe for the moment. The King asks me to not mind him as he deprives the poor Count of Chester of his holdings. I ponder whether I should agree or fetch for my trusty hammer and nails. On one hand, this will certainly serve to advance the King's power-mad schemes. On the other hand, if I play along for now, I could foil his plans at the right time. I choose the latter course of action, and inform the envoy that I shall gladly do the King's bidding. As I watch him leave the castle, I burst into maniacal laughter at my certain victory.

http://img3.imageshack.us/img3/5791/ck229.jpg

Meanwhile, I have been getting some strange reports from the County of something or other. It appears that my heir's behavior has been...strange. Regardless, I try to ignore anything I hear about that idiot. In June, however, I receive information that I can no longer disregard. My Spymaster, who also happens to be my wife, has found evidence that he is planning to murder me. The bastard! At least, I hope he is...anyway, damn him!

Days later, my mother, Æthelhild dies from "depression" at the age of 62. I do not believe that for a second, of course. Clearly it was he who murdered her out of some insane blood lust.

http://img571.imageshack.us/img571/91/ck230.jpg

It is clear to me now that the tomatoes have subverted Eanfrith Jr.; warped his mind at the bidding of their dark master - Satan himself! There is nothing more that can be done to save him. Unfortunately, being at the Court of something or other, he is beyond the reach of my trusty guards. He will also certainly refuse to see the logic in terminating his plot, so I do not even try. I consider assassinating him, but the cost is too high and the risk is too great.

I cannot do much about him, but at the least I can pull that idiot of the line of succession. The following year is the 10th anniversary of my glorious reign. I use the opportunity to announce the changing of the Succession Laws from Gavelkind to Elective. Sure, people will complain, but I can choose who my successor is, and Gavelkind is terrible anyway. Also, since I am the only Feudal lord in the Duchy, I shall be have the sole vote, eliminating the chances of someone ruining everything by voting for the wrong person.

http://img715.imageshack.us/img715/6240/ck233.jpg

I ponder the choice of my successor thoroughly. My generally odd and suspicious murderer first son, Eanfrith Jr., is out of the question. My second son, Eadweald, is an idiot, and also has an annoying name. Sigeweard is too young, so I cannot know whether he is a worthy heir yet. That leaves my daughters. Gunhilda is also an idiot, leaving Eadwyn as the sole choice until Sigeweard is older. I announce the decision to the general booing of the population, which I do not care one bit about.

http://img694.imageshack.us/img694/6999/ck234.jpg

It appears that my population actually does hate me! Later that year, as I lounge upon my (very comfortable) throne, I hear a commotion as my door is suddenly opened and a horde of advisors and courtiers burst into my room. "The peasants are revolting!" they shout, as if I am supposed to rise from my chair at this very moment and deliver them from the plebeian menace.

"Look, they're in Gwent, right?" I say. "That's not even anywhere near here." My assurances don't seem to help much, but what do I care? The King has already raised all of my levies for his efforts in the Who-Knowsth's War of Somebody's Independence, so it is not as if there is much I can do. I inform them that they are to clear out my throne room and have someone else deal with it.

Some months later, one of the King's armies takes a stroll through Gwent and demolishes the uprising peasants, probably by accident.

http://img197.imageshack.us/img197/9108/ck235.jpg

http://img32.imageshack.us/img32/4716/ck237.jpg

The end of the year brings the first good news I hear in ages. On Christmas Day, my Chancellor, Mayor Harmon, arrives at the castle. I marvel at the fact that one of my advisors is not only named something other than 'Eanfrith', but also doesn't even have an 'Ea' in their name at all, as seems to be the case with everybody else in the Duchy.

My Chancellor takes me down to the trusty cellar. He informs me that after decades of searching, he has found a shady merchant in Gwynedd trading in forged claims. If I just deliver him a sum of twelve metric giant piles of gold, he will give me a claim for the entire Duchy of Gwynedd. I am weary of wasting my precious money on such a suspicious deal, but my craving for more territory overrules these concerns. Hours later, I am in possession of a claim for the last remaining independent Duchy in Wales.

http://img132.imageshack.us/img132/153/ck238.jpg

...to be continued in Chapter III: Oh! What a Lovely War.

[Raptor1]

The Reign of Eanfrith II the Arguably Sane

Chapter III

I waste no time dictating a polite letter informing the Duke of Gwynedd of the newly scheduled change in the leadership of his duchy. Though Cadwgan III is only four years old, I am certain that he will understand what I am talking about.

http://img826.imageshack.us/img826/1172/decwar.jpg

I call for the raising of every levy at my disposal, but that only amounts to some 700 men in total as the King was still using, or otherwise has killed off, almost half my troops. My vassals assemble a grand army of 18 men to join my force, which they assure me will mean the difference between defeat and victory. I am slightly skeptical of this claim, for some reason, so for further insurence I send envoys to York asking for Captain Sæxræd, world renowned barbarian leader and gardener. Paying him a sizable portion of my giant pile of gold, I recruit the services of the 1,500-men Saxon Band for the upcoming campaign. I also place him in overall command of the army.

The first two months of the campaign see little action as both armies chase each other around uselessly across the Welsh countryside. In March, however, Sæxræd's army finally catches up to the Gwyneddians outside of Cardiff and a climactic battle ensues. As I watch, gloating from the comfort of my own castle, the outnumbered Welsh troops are mercilessly slaughtered and soon collapse, leaving my army victorious. With the way clear, Sæxræd moves into Gwynedd and begins siege operations against the castle of Aberffraw and other holdings.

http://imageshack.us/a/img22/7233/ck240.jpg

http://imageshack.us/a/img818/1501/ck239.jpg

Things progress well for the following year as Aberffraw and most of the rest of the County of Gwynedd are in my possession. However, everything suddenly falls apart. In what could have only been orchestrated by the conspiracy, foreign troop suddenly swarm into the Duchy, seeking to steal my prize. From across the Irish Sea, Duke Fedelmid of Meath (try saying that several times very fast!) lands with a small force, which is not really large enough to pose any threat. Much more worryingly, the Kingdom of Norway and their Danish allies decide to push some woman with a hard to pronounce name's - Gudrun Thorfinnsdatter af Orkneyjar - extremely dubious claim to the Duchy of Gwynedd at the exact same time. In June, 1137, a combined Danish-Norwegian army of over 9,000 men under the command of King Bjørn of Denmark arrives in Wales.

Seeking to delay certain defeat, Sæxræd avoids contact with the Danes and Norwegians as they begin besieging castles across Gwynedd. I hire another 1,500 troops in the form of the Ramon de Pallars' Catalan Band, bringing my army to over 3,000 troops, which is decidedly not enough, and rapidly exhausting my precious gold.

http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/4198/ck244.jpg

In June the following the year the inevitable occurs. After occupying both the Counties of Gwynedd and Perfeddwlad, the Danish-Norwegian army reforms and attacks Sæxræd near Mathrafal in Powys. Making use of strong defensive terrain, my army holds out for a little while, but the weight of the Danish King's numbers is too great. Soon Sæxræd's line breaks and my army is in full retreat. All seems lost as the enemy's occupation of Gwynedd nears completion.

http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/8207/ck245.jpg

As expected, Cadwgan III surrenders to the Norwegians and they install Gudrun Whatever as the new Duchess of Gwynedd. But then, in a sudden and confusing deus ex machina that shall be known throughout history as either 'The Miracle of the House of Northumbria' or 'The What Is This I Don't Even', the Norwegians leave, not even bothering to incorporate the Duchy into their Kingdom, and the war continues. Of course the Duke of Meath is still trying to claim it as well, but they are small fry. I take the remnants of my army, raise whatever new troops I can and begin besieging holdings once more.

http://img534.imageshack.us/img534/7672/ck246.jpg

In November, 1139, as I travel between my castle in Cardiff and Cornwall, where, as part of my duties as supreme commander of the King's armies, I am training troops, my wagon suddenly comes a suspicious obstacle. The carriage's driver says we have to make a detour, but as he does I suddenly imagine a strange fish-person informing me that this is a trap. Clearly a sign from God!

http://img585.imageshack.us/img585/1633/ck249.jpg

"No," I say. "The Great Eanfrith makes detours for no one!" I hand the driver an axe and order him to remove the obstacle from my path while I sit around watching him work. After many minutes of work, he returns to the carriage and we proceed along the way, speeding past a group of confused-looking armed men.

By the time I get back to the castle, I have already worked out who was behind this shoddy assassination attempt. It was...you!

http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/6295/ck250.jpg

Yes, you! "Fool!" I say, as he is held by my guards. "Did you think the Great Eanfrith shall fall for such a trap? Ha, pathetic!" The Guards drag him away, but before they can take him out of the room he asks how I could have possibly known it was him. "Only a beard such as yours could be be behind such a dastardly scheme!"

Yet while Estmund of Pembroke was clearly behind this assassination attempt, the true mastermind behind the insidious plot to murder me remains unknown. Could he be an agent of my son, Eanfrith Jr.? Possibly, but there are certainly other people who wish me dead. We shall have our answers, once we get Estmund to talk...

Meanwhile, I finally realize that I am tired of this whole kindness business. I mean, everyone is trying to kill me and steal my stuff, so why I should care about them?

http://img836.imageshack.us/img836/2333/ck251.jpg

In June, 1141, Estmund finally breaks. It was Æthelwulf, my marshal, who was plotting to murder me! Clearly he has been subverted by Satan as well. I quickly recall him from whatever it was he was supposed to be doing and toss him into the dungeon alongside his co-conspirator. That's one murder plot down...

http://img826.imageshack.us/img826/8846/ck252.jpg

And back to war. The independent Duchy of Hereford has launches its own campaign against Gwynedd, replacing the Danes and Norwegians, but while their forces are significant they pose far less a danger than those Kingdoms did. As siege operations continue in September, 1141, I receive a message from Duchess Gudrun; they offer surrender! Taking the required time to gloat, I accept, putting an end to over 6 years of war. The House of Northumbria now controls all of Wales!

http://imageshack.us/a/img855/7765/ck253.jpg

http://imageshack.us/a/img5/6720/ck254.jpg

...to be continued in Chapter IV: I Can't Think of a Title~!

[Raptor1]

The Reign of Eanfrith II the Occasionally Sane

Chapter IV

I order victory celebrations all across the Duchy, but they are soon cut short. The three Counts that I have just conquered all arrive in my castle and put slips of paper in the box I have put there for...is that the box for succession votes? Those bastards! That's my ballot, get your bloody paper out of it! I take a look, and they're not even voting for their righteous and glorious liege's chosen successor, but rather for that idiot Cadwgan. How rude! I immediately set plans in motion to murder him and dispose of his collaborators.

Luckily, the former Duchess and current Countess of Gwynedd, Gudrun, has carelessly neglected to hide evidence that she is plotting to take back the Duchy I just stol...I mean, rightfully took. This gives me all the justification I need to throw her into jail.

http://img850.imageshack.us/img850/7271/ck26.jpg

Alas, my incompetent guards fail miserably, resulting in Gudrun escaping capture and raising the County in revolt. I gather my levies and smash her puny force, and within a year Gwynedd surrenders again. Entering Gudrun's castle, my troops smash a chair over her head and tie her up, preventing her escape before she can be properly thrown into my dungeon. I take the opportunity to take the traitor's title and add it to my collection. One down, two to go.

http://imageshack.us/a/img850/8247/ck211.jpg

http://imageshack.us/a/img28/4927/ck27.jpg

In July, a suspicious bard strolls into my court. I hate them, bards, they make too much noise and aren't useful for anything, so I cheerfully inform him that if he bothers me too much I'll break every bone in his body and feed him to hungry frogs piece by piece. Mayor Harmon, who was right around the corner, did not take kindly to this, and started whining as people in my court usually do when they do not take kindly to something. I tried to inform him that I would only torture and kill the bard if he was being too loud, and it's not that horrible a punishment, is it? As usual, he has none of it, so I order my guards to kick him out of the castle. Oh, well.

http://img819.imageshack.us/img819/8884/ck213.jpg

The following year, I came to a sudden realization. Why do I even need a justification to throw the people who are clearly working against me in the dungeon? I am the Duke here, people should just do whatever I wish and stop complaining. So I order the Countess of Perfeddwlad thrown into the dungeon on account of being a pest. Using newly devised chair-assisted target apprehension techniques, my guards have no difficulty throwing her into the dungeon alongside her compatriot, and I promptly take her title as well. With only Earl Cadwgan's vote left in my ballot and my vote overriding his, the current danger to the succession is eliminated.

http://img641.imageshack.us/img641/4610/ck217.jpg

My fellow murder plotter, Mayor Skofte informs me that he has figured out the perfect way to assassinate Earl Cadwgan. First, he says, we wait for him to go aboard a boat. Then, Skofte will have his cultists conduct a ritual to raise Cthulhu from his dark house in the mighty city of R'lyeh, following which the meddlesome Earl will surely perish! It's foolproof, he assures me. "Okay," I say. "I don't understand a thing of what you just said, but if it kills Cadwgan, then go ahead."

http://img9.imageshack.us/img9/6519/ck218.jpg

We wait a month before I realize the fatal flaw in Skofte's plans. Powys doesn't even have a coastline, how is Earl Cadwgan supposed to take a boat from there? Unfortunately, the Earl also seems to have discovered the oddly dressed people following him around all day and somehow linked it all back to me! I punch Skofte in the face and carry on with the business of being the Duke.

http://img825.imageshack.us/img825/8234/ck219.jpg

One day in September, 1146, Eadweald walks into my court with a formerly-armed man who claims to be a hedge knight. Eadweald does not believe his nonsense and neither do I. If I know a thing about hedge knights, it's that all of them are always alternatively participating in tournaments or lying around injured. This man is plainly neither of these things, so I order him thrown into the dungeon.

http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/6420/ck220.jpg

While watching the "hedge knight" kicked into his cell, laughing maniacally as I always do, I happen to glance Estmund of Pembroke's cell. I am reminded that he really didn't suffer nearly enough for attempting to murder me. We can't have people not getting what they deserve around here, otherwise people will think they can get away with trying to kill me with nothing worse than a simple life sentence. Now is a good time as any, I'm sure, so I order my trusty rack oiled up and prepared for an extended torture session.

http://img837.imageshack.us/img837/5806/ck221.jpg

Soon afterwards, I receive an envoy from the King of Sweden. This can't be as bad as an envoy from the King of England, but I still ready the hammer and nails just in case. He requests that my eldest daughter, Gunhilda, marry some Prince of his, Olaf. I accept, since I have no better thing to do and getting more people who might potentially try to murder me out of the castle is always a good thing. Well, I'm sure nothing bad can come of it.

http://img839.imageshack.us/img839/114/ck225.jpg

Meanwhile, Earl Cadwgan has come of age, and he really hates me. I wonder why? Could it have been that I tried (and eventually succeeded) in conquering his Duchy? Or maybe that I threw his friends into the dungeon and tried to murder him? I really have no idea. In either case, in February, 1148, he sends me a letter informing me that we are now at war for some reason or other. Well, as you wish...

http://img844.imageshack.us/img844/8531/ck226.jpg

As my army mops the floor with the Powysians, my son Sigeweard also comes of age. He babbles in some kind of strange language, but he's the closest thing I have to a competent male heir, so I quickly vote for him as my new successor.

http://img831.imageshack.us/img831/4484/ck228.jpg

There has been a suspicious increase in shipwrecks around Glamorgan. Could it be the winds? pirates? privateers? perhaps Cthulhu himself? Whatever it was, it's wrecking a whole bunch of gold on my shore. The town people and the church people all want the money for themselves, but I have a better idea. It is all mine!

http://img194.imageshack.us/img194/91/ck230.jpg

As the new year of 1150 dawns, Earl Cadwgan surrenders to my victorious armies, and is, quite predictably, thrown into the dungeon. As usual, I strip him of his title and laugh maniacally at him. With his surrender, Wales is all under my personal rule, removing any major internal threat for the moment

http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/7143/ck231.jpg

The next year, the nauseatingly-named Mayor Cesnar of Caernarfon arrives at my castle. "The taxes are too high!" He whines, as always. The taxes are definitely not too high for anyone. All who live in this Duchy exist solely to pay me, and lowering taxes is utterly counterproductive to the continued increasing size of my treasury. I shut him up with a large sack of gold and tell him to lock up any dissenters and never bother me again.

http://img248.imageshack.us/img248/6999/ck234.jpg

I also receive news that my daughter, Gunhilda, who I have recently sold...I mean, married off to the Kingdom of Sweden has died from an infected wound. Must've cut her finger on a fjord or something like that, I'm sure that things like that happen all the time over there. Oh, well, no great loss.

http://img197.imageshack.us/img197/6700/ck235v.jpg

One day in 1155, a suspicious person walks into my castle. He is strangely dressed and talks in a weird dialect that I can barely comprehend. I struggle to make out what he is trying to say with his babbling, something about writing about my life in an, err, something report on something called the...internet? What is that, anyway? I can't stand him for how long, so I tell him to do whatever he wants and give him a bag of gold so that will he leave as soon as possible, which he does, laughing all the way...

http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/153/ck238.jpg

Unfortunately, the worst has yet to come. In February, 1156, a lone man rides into my Duchy. His wife, the Countess of Something or Other has died so he came back here despite my best attempts to be rid of him. It is none other than Eanfrith, my ugly, homosexual, murderer son! Noooooooooooooooooo...

http://img801.imageshack.us/img801/1501/ck239.jpg

...Who will live? Who will die? I have no idea! To be continued in Chapter V: The End of Eanfrithon!

[Raptor1]

The Reign of Eanfrith II

Chapter V

...ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oo! *breaths*

Okay, now to get rid of him. For the time being, I appoint him as my new marshal. It is a highly dangerous occupation, as I know well from my long years as the Ducal marshal under my father and supreme commander of the King's armies. Hopefully some illiterate peasant will whack him over the head and kill him. In the meantime, he is doing is best to stalk me, saying he wants to be as successful as me. Clearly he wants that, as everyone does, but I'm sure he has much more horrible things in mind as well. Ah, get away from me!

http://img28.imageshack.us/img28/7233/ck240.jpg

But enough about him. It seems that we have a new King, one who goes by the name of Wihtraed. I really must try harder to keep track of who becomes the King and when, but unfortunately the mail does not often manage to reach my castle in the dark depths of Wales. It seems that they appointed somebody else to be the regent of the new child King. One Bishop Arnold, hmm. Clearly, I should be the regent, since only I know what is best for the Kingdom. God wills it.

I travel to the King's court to lodge my complaints, but, well...

http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/6290/ck243.jpg

...that doesn't go so well.

Ah, good news. The peasants I have sent Eanfrith Jr. to train have proven to be effective in their job, and have lopped one of his arms off. I ignore his letter of whining and his requests to be assigned somewhere else. Just as planned.

http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/7672/ck246.jpg

The following month, I receive even better news. Despite the clergy's prayers and my court healers' best efforts, or perhaps because of them, Eanfrith Jr. has died a maimed cripple. I order his remains to be buried somewhere far, far away from me. Justice has been served, Huzzah!

http://img839.imageshack.us/img839/9594/ck247.jpg

In 1160, I receive a letter from the King asking for assistance in revoking the Duchy of Meath. This is clearly not the same person that was on the throne a couple of years ago, which is rather suspicious, but he has the hat and everything, so he must be legitimate at least to some extent. I inform him that I'll help his plans; Meath has tried meddling in the Gwyneddian War and it is time that somebody made them pay for it.

http://img267.imageshack.us/img267/1633/ck249.jpg

In 1164, Duchess Youeanna of Lancaster, who is apparently related to me despite the fact that I've never heard of her, sends me a letter asking me to join her war to claim the crown of England. I immediately send back a reply with my refusal. If anybody is to be the King, it is me, and I'm not going to bother with - and pay for! - some Duchess' attempt to claim the throne.

http://img826.imageshack.us/img826/7765/ck253.jpg

Soon afterwards, I receive a letter from the court of the actual King, who is now called, erm...Sigeric. It seems that I am being appointed regent. Ha, take that, Ahnuld!

http://img854.imageshack.us/img854/6720/ck254.jpg

But I do not have long to enjoy my position of power in the Kingdom, for one day in 1166, I find myself dead, which is rather inconvenient. The King holds a funeral for me, and a small number of people even mourn my completely natural demise...

http://img585.imageshack.us/img585/7274/ck256.jpg

...Wait, what? No, you fools! It was not a natural death, I was murdered! It was Ahnuld, it must have been! I have proof! Here...oh, right, I'm dead. Oh, well, I guess that's that, then...

[Raptor1]

Okay, you can come out of hiding, my nonsense is done. Here's the save file for Crécy and anyone else who wants to have to have a look:

http://www.mediafire.com/?4yqnzd4tb19jdw0

And you thought my character had a disturbing mustache. :O:

Oh, and are we going to continue with the patch we started with or upgrade to 1.07b? According to Paradox, save games are semi-compatible with the new patch, by which I take it they mean it will probably work fine except for the original setup not taking into account the new religions and such, and it seems to have some really nice features. Also, it would be rather difficult for people who use Steam to play with the old patch...

[Hottentot]

Hmm, heir of the king's regent. The AI tends to pass those down the line, so Mr. Devious Moustache here might have a juicy position to start with. Of course combined with being able to form the Kingdom of Wales too if I remember the requirements correctly. :hmmm:


Oh, and are we going to continue with the patch we started with or upgrade to 1.07b?

If they are compatible and the patch is even half stable, then why not update. That would allow me to participate too if we run out of players. Which reminds me, can we get a short update on who is still in for the future generations?

[HunterICX]

Which reminds me, can we get a short update on who is still in for the future generations?

HunterICX standing by.

[Raptor1]

Hmm, heir of the king's regent. The AI tends to pass those down the line, so Mr. Devious Moustache here might have a juicy position to start with. Of course combined with being able to form the Kingdom of Wales too if I remember the requirements correctly. :hmmm:


We have enough counties/duchies to form Wales, but unfortunately the ruler's culture has to be Celtic and this guy is...well, Italian. Still, the next ruler can be arranged to have the Celtic culture with some careful guardian-choosing. That's up to Crécy, I guess.

[Crécy]

Right, I'll s(h?)it on the throne during the next week.

[Crécy]

Alrighty then, my reignings are reigned. I'll try to start the AAR this week (meaning weekend when I've time and energy for it, even though I have to work on sunday :/\\!!)

[Dowly]

(Expect it around mid-January :O:)

[Crécy]

Chronicles of Northumbria
Reign of a Northumbrian Duke Sigeweard I 'The Builder' of Deheubarth, son of Eanfirth II
(1166-????)
by Grégorie d'Anjou


My name is Grégorie d'Anjou. I am a poet, chronicler, annalist, author, romanticist, et cetera, et cetera. Many years ago I was approached by a Northumbrian head of family -whom name I've forgotten but most likely it was Eanfirth as Eanfirths seems to be all over the place- and was given the honour of writing the chronicles of Northumbria. Even though, at that time, I spoke and wrote only french. However, over the course of many years and misunderstandings I've learned english more and more. Still, I'm far from perfection so please forgive my numerous grammar errors.

After I accepted the honor to write these Northumbrian Chronicles and after I had moved to the court of the said head of family, the said head of family passed away. While unfortunate, I was excited to start the chronicles when the new heir came to power. To my dismay, it soon came clear to me that the new heir was, in fact, arrogant enough to write his own chronicles. Thus years passed before me while I waited for him to di... err... continue his journey to happier reigning lands. Meanwhile I wrote poems, wandered aimlessly in the court of Northumbrians courting ladies, waiting and waiting. After many years he finally passed away and I sat down, ready to begin...

And again, I didn't even manage to write the headline as the new ruler was revealed to be as impudent as his father. Writing his own chronicles, bah! As such the cycle continued. I never even dipped the quill. I believe four or five generations passed by my. And Eanfirths came and went, all of them more insolent and shameless than the other... And every generation felt like six.Once I even disguised myself and came to court as supposedly new chronicler to ask the current ruler, Eanfirth II, whether I could write his family chronicles. He granted the permission to do so and gave me the coin. That evening, when I was starting to write, he came to my chamber. He grabbed the money, he had given me, from the table and said: "I lied." and then he left. I didn't have any other choice but to continue my purposeless courting, wandering and writing.

Then the impossible happened, in the year of our lord 1166, over a hundred years after (yes, someone would call me old) I was first asked to write the Northumbrian chronicles, a Northumbrian duke came to me and gave me the honour to finally start the marvel which will dazzle the future generations. The sheer magnitude of the impact these chronicles will have on the course of history will be unimaginable! This, this work will be the defining milestone of my long life, of the history of writing and the future. In all of my life, I've never been so excited as I'm now. Well, aside from those four to five times I was about to start this chronicle.


Thus it begins...


* * *


Duke Sigeweard I of Deheubarth was already 33 years old when his father, Duke Eanfirth II (too many nicknames to pick just one, besides there are still arguments whether he was sane or not) passed away in April 27, 1166. Eanfirth II had voted Sigeweard as his successors when Sigeweard came to age as apparently Sigeweard was the only one of Eanfirth's children who even came close to being a competent heir. At this point I might add that for some reason - I never found out why - Sigeweard is Italian while his father is a Saxon. Well, it's a mystery. And all knows that a good family chronicle includes many uncovered, outré, mysteries. Also, I don't know why but I feel compelled to inform you that Duke Sigeweard's sig is quite weird. Ba dam tsh.

Now let me tell you something about Duke Sigeweard I. Like his predecessors, Sigeweard is as wrathful as them. Well not just as wrathful as them. He did gave me the honor of starting these chronicles and didn't project his wrath on me by denying me the hundred-year-old right to write Northumbrian Chronicles right like his ancestors did... Duke Sigeweard is fortunate to possess every trait that defines a great ruler -wouldn't be surprised if he had blood of Gaius Julius Caesar himself in him. Somehow. He's Italian at least - . I'm certain that he will accomplish something spectacular during his reign. He's also happily married to duchess Ælfthryth of Leicester nonetheless and they have four children, a boy and three girls. Sigeweard's heir, Andre, is, well Italian but also a fine young man who will eventually without fail rule with honor after his father. And I'm sure Andre will not write his own chronicles.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2511-36-20-62.png

The same day already beloved Sigeweard became the duke, child king of England appointed Sigeweard as his chancellor. As his father before him as a marshal, Sigeweard was now an essential part of Kingdom of England's court and thus a cornerstone of determining the plans and fate of England.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2511-36-58-33.png

In May 24, 1166 a war broke out between the king of England and the Lancasters. Duchess Youenna I of Lancaster even went as far as asking Sigeweard, the chancellor of the king of England, to ally with the Lancasters against the King Sigeric I. Ridiculous. Naturally, Sigeweard refused.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2511-48-08-17.png

The war raged on for almost five months but finally in September 1166, it ended in white peace. After the war King Sigeric I's turned his eyes on Ireland and the king sent Sigeweard to Dublin to make the groundwork for invasion by legalizing it.

In the year of our lord 1167 king's royal messengers rode to Sigeweard's court in castle Cardiff and handed out a parchment sealed with King's sigil. Sigeweard opened it in suspicion. King Sigeric I of England had appointed Duke Sigeweard of Deheubarth and chancellor of the kingdom of England to a regent until King Sigeric would come to age. An ultimate honor from the most powerful king on earth. On this day the Northumbrians truly became the most powerful dynasty in England (excluding King's own dynasty of course).

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2511-52-29-51.png

Only after a year of reign, Duke Sigeweard had become the most important man in England after the king himself. This truly is a prelude to something incredible. The hundred years of waiting finally had paid off. I had encountered one of the mightiest man alive. And I, Grégoire d'Anjou, a poet, chronicler, annalist, author, romanticist, et cetera, et cetera, get to write his family chronicle.

[Crécy]

Eat that Dowly! Not in mid-January but in mid-December! Hah!

Rest of the updates will be posted during the weekend.

[Crécy]

Chronicles of Northumbria
Reign of a Northumbrian Duke Sigeweard I 'The Builder' of Deheubarth, son of Eanfirth II
(1166-????)
by Grégorie d'Anjou


Shortly after Duke Sigeweard I, the regent and chancellor of kingdom of England, was given the honor to guide the realm of England he accomplished so many great things that I'm only able to list a handful of them. For example in late Jume 1167, Duke/Chancellor/Regent Sigeweard I drove off a great dragon roaming around York countryside which was harassing and killing the locals. And in early August child King Sigeric I granted Sigeweard new lands from the recently conquered Ireland, which conquest Sigeweard made possible. By the end of the year Duke Sigewerd had achieved more than... Bah, who am I kidding.

I can't believe I waited hundred years for this!? This!? The man is so damn unproductive, so fruitful, that any chronicler would fall asleep while writing the first sentence. Actually you could even summarize the whole year of this man's life in one sentence and you couldn't even write THAT because you fall asleep halfway through it! To be honest I haven't written anything in few years. I probably fell asleep trying to... I have, once again, wandered in the halls of the King (as Sigeweard spends most of his time there now), courting ladies, writing poems. Endless, pointless roaming took over my life once more. However, after couple of years I realized that by not writing this chronicle I would sink right in to the company of the men I despise so much: the 'write my family chronicles. NOT!' liars. So I have now forced myself to write down about Sigeweard I. Bear with me. I try that as well.

So, (umm, where we left off... Oh yes, the regent thing.) a few weeks after child King Sigeric I had sent his regent to fabricate claims in Dublin it came to fruition (fruition from a fruitless man, whad'ya know...). The invasion was about to begin.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2511-52-38-59.png

After returning from Dublin Sigeweard somehow also managed to impregnate his wife. That reminds me: it has always puzzled me why Sigeweard's childrens are in Leicester with their mother and not with Sigeweard? Well, now to think of it I might have an educated guess but still, the arrangement is quite peculiar.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2511-52-46-99.png

17 July 1167, child King Sigeric I declared war on Dublin and the mustering of forces began. While all the others were in Dublin, warring, Sigeweard sipped wine in King's court. That's it. That's all the man I have to write about did in time of glory and fame. Sipped wine.

In November Sigeweard's chancellor, Hereweald of Denbigh who was actually sent there by (surprise, surprise) Eanfirth II, came forth and presented his early Christmas present to Sigeweard (hmm, a tad long name. Would probably suffice if I called him only weard...): right to take county of Ulster. Finally I thought that I could actually write something spectacular in Weard's chronicles. At that time the war against Dublin raged on. Over thirteen thousand English soldiers were sieging Dublin. What could be better than the King holding the south and the second most powerful man in England holding the North?

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2511-55-00-22.png

But of course not. Sigeweard threw the paper in hearth as he "didn't want to accomplish anything through deceit like his father did". I've started to actually regret that the damn Eanfirth II wrote his own chronicles... What a grand chronicle that would have been had I wrote it. Eanfirth II was a soldier. He expanded the territories, raised an sizeable army and made path to the eventual Kingdom of Wales which would be hold by Northumbrians. What did Sigeweard do with this legacy? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

On Christmas Eve the war against Dublin ended and child King Sigeric I got a hold of most of southern Ireland, making the kingdom of England one of the largest and most powerful kingdoms. On Christmas Eve King Sigeric I also sent Sigeweard to fabricate more claims in Ireland. If I could only write King Sigeric's chronicles instead... He's not even an adult yet and he has conquered most of Ireland.

In Januray, 1168 two quite big events happened. One not maybe that great and one which I consider great but too late. First: a child was born to Sigeweard and Ælfthryth. And get this, he was named 'Candido'. Why on earth these Italian names and Italian culture infests the pure saxon blood!? I have a feeling that Eanfirth II is to blame. I don't know what he did but it's his fault. Candido and Andre. Hah!

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2511-56-55-85.png

The second thing: Sigeweard finally came to sense and converted to Saxon culture. How unfortunate that he can't convert his boys anymore because they are with their mother in Leicester...

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2511-57-47-18.png

1168 was also the year the Sigeweard started his maniacal building. In September small pox broke out in Sigeweard's duchy. Luckily (or was it in the end?) Weard was in King's court regenting.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-04-52-95.png

29 July, 1169 Sigeweard's heir Andre 'the pizza delivery guy' came to age. And like his father before him and his father before him and so on, Andre is as wrathful as them. It came clear quite fast as well when I met him the first time that he is also quite cruel character. And charitable apparently as well. Like when I met him he forced a maid to give him all of her money. After she had done that, Andre hit her. And after that Andre gave the money back to her and gave some more money too. Peculiar fella. He also became the court chaplain of his mother's county Leicester.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-06-13-74.png

One of the most funniest events in 1169 was the time Sigeweard's mother, also spymaster, came to him and thanked him of his virtuous rule. Really? Well, I suppose it's considered virtuous when you don't do anything.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-08-07-19.png

The rest of the year Sigeweard spent sipping wine in a chair and ordering his loyal subjects to build all kinds of buildings. I suppose building buildings is some kind of a fetish. Also King Sigeric I declared war on another Irish lord, using Sigeweard's legalization of conquest papers.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-09-05-22.png

Once again Ireland was full of soldiers clashing onto each other. And once again Sigeweard sat on his arse in King's court sipping... Wait for it... Wine.

In may 1170 war was won and most of Ireland had fell on the hands of child King Sigeric I.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-10-52-45.png

Ugh... How long I have to still endure this awful farce...

[Crécy]

Chronicles of Northumbria
Reign of a Northumbrian Duke Sigeweard I 'The Builder' of Deheubarth, son of Eanfirth II
(1166-????)
by Grégorie d'Anjou


Sigeweard's rule continued at a leisurely pace. In 1171, King Sigeric I joined the crusade for Jerusalem. I didn't even bother to be excited as I knew Sigeweard would stay in England. And he did. Yes, shocking. Wouldn't have wanted to write about glorious battles against infidels anyway.

In November, 1171 Sigeweard started to suffer from stress. Which is quite an accomplishment from the most laid back man on earth.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-16-03-13.png

In November Sigeweard's daughter reached adulthood. Guess what. She's wrathful. And cruel on top of that. What's up with these Northumbrians...

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-16-10-73.png

Also the populace in duchy of Deheubarth started to embrace more and more Saxon culture. Welsh populace by origin, Saxon king and Italian/Saxon Duke. What on earth has happened here in the past?

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-19-36-41.png

New year came and went and the uneventful life continued. Well, Sigeweard's nephew complained all the time about everything: "Boo hoo, I'm not married. Boo hoo, I want a county to rule." One thing Eanfirth II did right was to revoke the titles of all vassals and claim everything for himself. Even Weard agrees. Rest of 1173 was as eventful as all the years before. Crusade for Jerusalem failed, Sigeweard's mother passed away and more claims were fabricated for King Sigeric I by Weard.

Then came 1173 and something interesting happened. Sigeweard found out that he had a weak claim on a county in Italy - which was part of the Papal States -. His messy Italian origins pays off. Except it didn't. Sigeweard just shrugged and said: "Ok."

I HATE THAT GUY!

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-32-50-70.png

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-32-57-49.png

A bad case of typhoid fever broke out in England in early 1174. Unfortunately Sigeweard's daughter Paola (indeed, more Italians) contracted it.

In March, 1174, King Sigeric I declared war on county of Tyrconnell. Once again the legal ground work was made by Sigeweard. War didn't last on and so King Sigeric I of England had conquered most of Ireland.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-38-51-06-1.jpg

In February, 1174, Sigeweard had started to raise Candido 'the pizza delivery guy' by himself. For some reason Candido wasn't with his mother in Leicester. Which, at this point I find very unfortunate. Well, it wasn't long until Sigeweard managed to make Candido gluttonous (I assume Sigeweard let Candido eat all the pizzas he ought to have delivered)

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-38-06-44.png

In late 1174, grim news reached my ears. My dear friend and Court Chaplain of Deheubarth, Bishop Alan passed away. Even more grim news reached my ears after that. Sigeweard named a man known as 'the impaler' as his new Court Chaplain. I wonder what floats in the head of a man who hires a Court Chaplain which likes to impale stuff. Guess our beloved Duke was too stressful to actually concentrate on choosing a decent Court Chaplain.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-39-16-54.png

Something pleasant happened in May, 1175. Sigeweard did something right. He had taught his Italian 'pizza delivery guy' son Candido to be a proper saxon! Fat one, though.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-42-47-38.png

In May 29, 1175, Duke Sigeweard I of Deheubarth finally passed away at age of 42 due to a severe stress (Really? Really?) and he was succeeded by his Italian son Andrea I 'Fabio' of Deheubarth.

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-43-42-25.png

http://i903.photobucket.com/albums/ac231/Schiavona/ck22012-11-2512-46-55-53-1.jpg

Andrea (who is possessed by the way) will be eventually succeded by his clearly Italian son Abbondio (or something like that). Where do these Italians come from!?

Thus endeth the reign of Duke Sigeweard I 'the maniacal builder and the lord of boredom, unfruitfulness and unproductivity and awesome moustaches' of Deheubarth, son of Eanfirth II. The building stuff and the superb mustaches were his all accomplishments. Really. (Well, I suppose he made the conquest of Ireland possible, but that's irrelevant. Ireland isn't that important.)

Damn I hope that Italian fella Andre doesn't force me to write his chronicles... I suspect he reigns as unbelievably leisurely as his father did. As befits for a man with Italian lineage. Better limp off before he catches me...

[Crécy]

That's that, and about time. Good luck with Andre...

http://www.mediafire.com/?d3z3alj16er87hx

[Oberon]

The short and boring reign of Duke Andrea I



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiAxiGZKpGQ

It's a me! ANDRIO!

So, it's May 1175, my father just died, leaving me a load of land where it always rains and six out of the eleven people who help govern it hate me.
Still, he left me with a nice cash sum, and as we all know, money makes people like you. So, a bit of money is thrown around, and the amount of people that hate me goes down from six to four, which is a bit more managable for my dungeons if the need arises.

My father spent most of his life building things, houses, castles, walls, more walls, more houses, another castle, a church, some swings, a slide, a giant pit of death...I must get some signs put up around that, courtiers keep falling in it.

The rest of 1175 is mainly spent kicking peasants around South Wales, trying to keep out of the rain, sending lackies to get me on good terms with the King and Pope and building more giant pi-erm-houses.

1176 passes relatively uneventfully, my wife falls pregnant...hopefully this child will not be a drooling imbecile like my son who has taken to eating the olives from pizza and then throwing the rest away. The King decides he wants a piece of Ireland and goes over to collect it.
My second son is born in December 1176, it remains to be seen just how he will fair.

In 1178, a college party goes badly wrong and I end up being set on fire, this does not improve my temperament, nor does it get rid of the voices. But I do get maimed. So, there's that.
Shortly afterwards someone in Ireland dies and I somehow gain Tyrconnell and Leicester, so I give Tyrconnell to my son and heir (not the imbecille, the only thing he is getting is a quick trip to the Pit of Death if he tries anything) and Leicester to a vassal who hates me, along with a cash gift. He stops hating me but then favours himself as heir to my Duchy...the bastard! Thankfully he'll be dead soon...one way or the other.

In 1179, my duchy has spent a hundred years under English rule and no longer becomes a part of Wales, the King of England celebrates this by invading the Scottish county of Cumberland and Cardiff celebrates this by catching fire. Bloody rebels...

By 1181 upgrades to Welsh infrastructure mean that a good amount of monies are incoming. :rock:

In 1182 I decide that another place in Ireland would be nice to have, and send the army over to take a look at it. They come back mostly on fire, so I go over myself to take a look at it. I capture Oriel, and make a move on Ossory...and then the King of England decides that he wants to do the same thing...so it's a race to get to Ossory first...one that he wins. :/\\!!

Things get a little confusing after that, I end up in a war with the guy that the King puts in power in Ossory, and the King declares war on Scotland...again.

In 1189, I marry the imbecile off to a Norman hunchback and my daughter off to someone in Scotland. My other daughter I marry to the son of the King of England, he rejects the offer but his father agrees and overrules him. I marry my other daughter off to a random Saxon duke.

In 1193 I die a maimed cripple...

Wait...what?

Oh, you son of a...

Thankfully the imbecile doesn't manage to get into the transition process, and so Duke Andrea II (original naming goes far around here) becomes the new Duke of Deheubarth.

http://img560.imageshack.us/img560/4782/ck21.jpg


So, there we are...it really was that boring. :haha: I didn't do much, because I didn't see much that I could do other than continue Crecys building regime which is quite the money maker. :yep: The only amusing thing that did happen (when I caught fire) I pressed the wrong button and missed the event. :nope:

Hope the next player has more exciting things happen than I did! :haha:

http://www.mediafire.com/?8mdgzlgldyax4t4

[Hottentot]

I'll take this after the holidays if no one else will. Supposing I won't choke on ham, that is. :yep:

[Oberon]

Sorry it was rather a boring AAR, it's a nice Duchy though, very profitable. You can afford to hire a Mercenary Band without incuring much in the way of cash flow problems, however the King owns most of the areas around the Duchy, heck I think he's gunning to create the ALL HAIL BRITANNIAn empire. :doh:

[Raptor1]

Looking at the save file, I think the first order of business is to knock down the Crown Authority. Way, way down. As it is now the King is stealing over half of our (and every other vassal's) levies, making it extremely hard to face him without having the majority of the other vassals aboard. This could probably be achieved by making a Lower Crown Authority Faction or having him excommunicated (I think that if the King is deposed like that then the Crown Authority reverts to Autonomous Vassals). After that's done, we can start plotting to grab more land or the actual Kingdom itself.

Oh, and it's probably a good idea to convert the dynasty back to Saxon or, even better, Welsh (or any other Celtic culture), so that we can set up the Kingdom of Wales.

[Crécy]

Sorry it was rather a boring AAR

Well it is not your fault that Andrea the Italian pizza delivery plumber dies a maimed cripple so young :). And I selfishly think that my AAR was more boring. It was tediously long and there happened much, much less than in your's.

I wonder why I kept calling Andrea Andre...

Would be a good idea to start to list of our rulers, mark their reigning years and perhaps give them nicknames accordingly of what they did, from what they are remember or something like that?

[Hottentot]

Would be a good idea to start to list of our rulers, mark their reigning years and perhaps give them nicknames accordingly of what they did, from what they are remember or something like that?

Guards! There's some bloody peasant whining for something under my window again! Tell him to bugger off towards the gallows, will you! :O:

Seriously speaking, agreed now that the thread has grown a little. Therefore I updated the first post.

[Crécy]

Would be a good idea to start to list of our rulers, mark their reigning years and perhaps give them nicknames accordingly of what they did, from what they are remember or something like that?

And I meant to write: "Would it be..." not "Would be" as in indignant hint manner. I didn't mean to indicate that my ideas are good at default value. But everyone knows that of course.

[Hottentot]

Just so everyone knows: I'm about 30 years into being a magnificent bastard, and knowing the longevity of the Italians, it might still take a while before England gets rid of me. I haven't achieved anything, except for making Saxon infants an extinct species while trying to play with the inheritances. I have also been very efficient at wasting our money and constructed quite a few military buildings in vain hope of bolstering the army.

The Godwin dynasty now controls Denmark and the current (old) king is allied with the king of France as well, so a direct all out war isn't very healthy. The AI tried to lower the crown authority with a faction which I also joined, but we got driven to sea by the Danish hordes. On the plus side, if the inheritances play well, my current wife is the duchess of two duchies in Scotland, which equals...well, a huge lot of land. And the heir is betrothed to a Godwin girl, so his kids may get a claim on the whole kingdom, which can then perhaps be enforced with a faction?

[Hottentot]

Family Guy
The Blunders of Duke Andrea II
the Flamboyant Schemer
(1193 - 1253)




I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!!!!!!

Sigh. If you weren't the only cook in the whole demesne, I'd hack your head off personally. Now let's try again, shall we...

P, like in "Please".
I, like in "Italia".
Z, like in "Zave".
Z, like in "Ze".
A, like in "Albion."

P-I-Z-Z-A! Not difficult, OK! Now go get me some and stop bringing me that cursed spam!! And take that stupid horned helmet off too, while you're at it!!


Sigh. Dear diary: it's no easy thing to govern these fools. I have been in vain trying to teach them to cook proper food, but all they can get me is egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam...

It's driving me CRAZY!! How can I rule over my God (who happens to be related to an Italian, in case you didn't know) given lands when my servants are trying to starve me?! And why should I do it anyway? Like, one day there I was trying in vain to find a signorina in here who didn't look like a fish, when my father came to me and said: "Son, I have great news for you..."


http://i.imgur.com/RsYvs.jpg
Great, I thought: finally he is going to share with me the secret family tuna macaroni salad recipe, but instead he just showed me a boring map with many different colored spots in it. He stuck his greasy fingertip there and said: "One day, lad, all this will be yours!"

"What, the tablecloth?" I asked. He obviously expected me to be excited.




http://i.imgur.com/AdG4f.jpg
If he expected me to be excited about that, I bet he thought I'd squeal with joy when he told me I'm betrothed to a wig wearing fish. Her huge tracts of land didn't make her any more to my liking, contrary to dear father. The way he mentioned those, I thought he was using an euphenism. He wasn't.

So now I live in a bloody swamp with a fish and have only spam to eat. I somehow thought being a duke would be more glamorous.




http://i.imgur.com/LCwLI.jpg
The only thing that prevents me from giving it all away is the fact that according to the law my closest heir is my stupid brother Abbondio, who threw my hat into dog poo when I was 5.




http://i.imgur.com/DyyDY.jpg
So I try finding people who might want it instead the sneaky way. I find out that one of my vassala, the Earl of Oriel, is plotting to steal my lands from me. Cool, I think.




http://i.imgur.com/Kwuir.jpg
Unfortunately my over-zealous guards find out about it and when I invite him to discuss the details, they throw him into jail. "A marvelous deception, my liege!" They praise me. "The fool really thought he was coming to negotiate for your title."




http://i.imgur.com/u8afw.jpg
Since I'm a Duke now, I suppose I should do something else than just throwing gold florins around and saying "shake it baby". Researching the chronicles, I see my family has somehow been very fascinated with the idea of acquiring more land. No idea what I'd do with it, but my advisors tell me I have a legal case to claim the county of Connacht in Ireland. And since our dear liege the king also wants it, they suggest I hurry.




http://i.imgur.com/gLRmR.jpg
I can't be bothered to go myself, but I send Luca and the boys to introduce the local Earl to the concept of "Family Business."




http://i.imgur.com/lA5dR.jpg
Meanwhile it seems the fish has learned to read. I throw gold at her, since it seems to make her shut up. And with any luck next time I'm trying to make sweet Italian love, I don't feel like humping an octopus.




http://i.imgur.com/fYKxD.jpg
My family is also known to be builders of stuff. That's why I get ludicrous amounts of gold carried to me all the time and there are only so many horses that horse merchant Lamborghini can breed exclusively for me. So I order my minions to build more stuff and then concentrate on deciding if I should ride the white or the black one today.




http://i.imgur.com/AZWOu.jpg
My generals send me a letter asking what to do in Connacht. I write them a brief and to the point reply.




http://i.imgur.com/gRFI5.jpg
My masterful tactics net us a prisoner. Excellent!




http://i.imgur.com/4SDvc.jpg
However, a brief interrogation reveals that my inept troops managed to capture the poorest noble in the whole enemy army. Bah!




http://i.imgur.com/AMCoH.jpg
Not really having a better idea, I let him go and instead send the stupid soldiers who captured him there in his place.




http://i.imgur.com/LxzE5.jpg
My troops can still do something properly, though. They have seized a shipment of spam from the enemy and now the defenders of Connacht are getting hungry. They request peace. I promise them to leave at once, give up all the claims on their lands and send them cake.




http://i.imgur.com/Cg55X.jpg
I'm such a nice guy I didn't want to depress them by telling they are going to die soon.




http://i.imgur.com/adipH.jpg
The starved fools open the castle doors, and the boys start making sure the local merchants have proper protection. Turns out most of them don't.




http://i.imgur.com/XGgbR.jpg
And as for the Earl, I make him an offer he can't refuse.




http://i.imgur.com/SWPwt.jpg
Of course, trampling around the local neighborhood has its downsides as well. Namely the local don, who claims we are on his turf.




http://i.imgur.com/K3qF0.jpg
Sigh. All this violence, it's very upsetting.




http://i.imgur.com/cWuFu.jpg
While waiting for the siege to end, I'm wondering if I should the bat, the club, the racket or just a generally speaking big freaking stick to make a point to my defeated opponent.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/vIS45.jpg All this responsibility, it's very upsetting!!




http://i.imgur.com/10prj.jpg
Meanwhile my liege the King is quickly adding the rest of the Emerald Island to his personal demesne. I wonder when will he realize that I now own three pieces of it?




http://i.imgur.com/eCi8v.jpg
Ha! Finally some good news! I have at last gained my revenge against that abominable Abbondio and duly used my ultimate God given power to force him to marry a fish!




http://i.imgur.com/2PSiQ.jpg
Abbondio doesn't seem to appreciate my sense of humor. I can't believe hearing my own dear brother wants to kill me! Oh wait, I totally can believe it. I mean, I can't believe he thinks he has any chances to succeed in it?! What is he, a drooling imbecile?!




http://i.imgur.com/ixqeA.jpg
Oh. Right.




http://i.imgur.com/BXRwd.jpg
I tell him to stop littering my castle stairs with banana peels, but he won't listen. Instead he says "Nyah nyah" and hides behind his fish wife, who happened to be a noble and is now protecting the fool. Sigh.




http://i.imgur.com/8A1MI.jpg
I'll deal with Appondio later in a more traditional way. Now there is still this small matter of war.




http://i.imgur.com/zOyYm.jpg
After introducing my adversary to various words the English language uses to describe a large wooden object meant for hitting stuff, he and I come into a gentlemanly agreement.




http://i.imgur.com/UZuid.jpg
My great empire has grown. Daddy would be proud.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/HNFHI.jpg
Time to build stuff. I decide we can save time and money by not building any houses with the fourth wall and instead using only three per building. From all I've gathered, that particular wall has never been of any use in my family history anyway.




http://i.imgur.com/ny65D.jpg
The peasants are not happy with my decision. They say they are freezing and that thinking of warm things isn't helping anymore.




http://i.imgur.com/iVAbm.jpg
Good for me that the English army is on its way to somewhere and passes by the rebel camp. I can concentrate on wasting the tax money instead of worrying about its payers.




http://i.imgur.com/tgzVo.jpg
In the South, things look fairly sane. England has consolidated its rule in Ireland and isn't in the middle of a civil war for a change.




http://i.imgur.com/yIF9p.jpg
But in the North, things are a little more wacky. Something smells rotten in there, and it's not (just) the eggs.




http://i.imgur.com/qdeEV.jpg
My map staring is interrupted by some neverheard Duke wanting to marry my relative Lucinetta. Since that will by the law send her out of my court, I decide to accept just in case. One less relative to plot my downfall.




http://i.imgur.com/MQoIT.jpg
Things become peaceful indeed and nothing happens for a while. The only amusement around here is seeing the serfs causing pain to each other, so who am I to argue when Riaged asks for my noble permission to beat his rivals up. Maybe I can even sell tickets...




http://i.imgur.com/vU3Nq.jpg
Being the dear leader that I am, I also show grace to my subjects by personally killing an army of bandits, saving the damsel in distress and returning the holy chalice. After that I hit 50 hole-in-ones on my routine golf session and invent gunpowder.




http://i.imgur.com/zyr1V.jpg
The stupid priests object, saying that's not how it went. I'll have the Bishop discipline them. I have more important matters to attend.




http://i.imgur.com/mrXaG.jpg
Namely my dear brother who is still ruining my garden by digging holes around my front yard and covering them with sticks. It's time to take care of this the traditional way.




http://i.imgur.com/3jBK8.jpg
And it turns out...




http://i.imgur.com/NKKQL.jpg
That throwing hats into dog poo all the time...




http://i.imgur.com/k3o0H.jpg
Is a really effective way...




http://i.imgur.com/RhBUG.jpg
...Of making enemies. Abbondio's days are numbered.




http://i.imgur.com/WMo9N.jpg
Excellent. My machiavellian plan is coming together. Asking my dear brother to come see a dead bird in the sky, his servant Hermessent prepares to give him a flight lesson.




http://i.imgur.com/9AZm3.jpg
Unfortunately the imbecile thought he really saw a dead bird in the sky and started pointing at it with his hands. There of course was no dead bird in the sky, but soon there was half dead Hermessent on the ground.




http://i.imgur.com/4kqy9.jpg
After Hermessent has recovered from having 78 % of her body suddenly crushed, I convince her we should try that trick again. What? Of course she accepts. You have to be a little simple to serve a dolt like my brother.

But just as Hermessent was about to push Abbondio over the edge, the moron ducked to admire a ladybug on the ground. By the sound of the splat, I think Hermessent now broke about 22 % of herself. Scratch one from the list.




http://i.imgur.com/riz2l.jpg
The sudden decrease in the quality of balcony railings has provoked an investigation of the authorities. I think we should help the officer to understand that he didn't see or hear anything and if he did, he was sleeping.




http://i.imgur.com/lQkz5.jpg
I can't believe that Hermessent is still alive, let alone willing to try for the third time. But there she is, brandishing a poisonous viper (are there any other kind?) in front of me and hissing through her now toothless mouth and twisted nose: "Hee, hee, plan!"




http://i.imgur.com/B3yS3.jpg
Abbondio has always been too fond of animals, and specifically their excrements. It finally bit him in the ass. Literally.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/zpgKq.jpg
My amphibian baby machine has finally understood her purpose and is carrying a heir for me. Life is good!




http://i.imgur.com/6G56l.jpg
Yes, a son! And what do you know, he doesn't look like a perch. For a moment there I think I should call him Abbondio, but in the end Benevuto sounds much better.




http://i.imgur.com/1qCph.jpg
A courier informs me that something is going on behind the scenes in England. No matter how many times he spells it, all I get is a "faction", which doesn't make any sense.




http://i.imgur.com/9qgnE.jpg
Oh, hey, what's this? My family records never mentioned any of this. All I found was a tea stained little note titled "patch notes", which didn't make any sense either. But it appears that my generation can join these little clubs that have all sorts of funny goals. Cool! Down with the king, I say!




http://i.imgur.com/SXopk.jpg
Being such a cool backstabber that I am, the King rewards me with a honorary title.




http://i.imgur.com/mY3Bi.jpg
Eh, come to think of it, I'm doing well enough at the moment. Overthrowing the King might have some serious consequences to my ability to be stinking rich playboy. It was a stupid club anyway.




http://i.imgur.com/6wO9c.jpg
My wife informs me that I now have a daughter. Funny. I can't remember banging her. Must be my mind trying to erase the unpleasant memories.




http://i.imgur.com/C7ILC.jpg
But since I do remember having a son, I decide to get a future wife for him. The daughter of the King sounds influental enough. Always good to have Kings in your family, I think.




http://i.imgur.com/HO5Ng.jpg
Some old crone prophetically chastizes me for taking too many risks in my endeavours. I have no idea what she means, but she says I'll find out soon enough.




http://i.imgur.com/B2oyE.jpg
Oh. Perhaps she meant forgetting that half of my subjects want to kill me and the other half can't make up its mind. One of the more influental ones, Earl What's-With-The-Funny-Name says he wants to be Duke instead of the Duke, but my loyal spymaster informs me on time.




http://i.imgur.com/myWEF.jpg
After waking up next to the severed head of his favorite horse next morning, he agrees that it was a silly idea.




http://i.imgur.com/gT0kc.jpg
But according to all good traditions, right after the apology my eldest son and only heir suffers a sudden accident that leaves him with ten knives sticking out from his back. Oh Benevuto, we hardly knew ye. Should have named him Abbondio after all.




http://i.imgur.com/Hz5jj.jpg
I can't prove it, but I think it was my current heir Sigeweard. I couldn't tell if he was laughing in the funeral, because he had conviniently grown a beard to cover his chin. However, whoever it was that murdered my dear...what was his name again?...Anyway, who ever it was, had one flaw in the plan.




http://i.imgur.com/KBFgD.jpg
Namely that I can simply make more heirs.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/zj782.jpg
Huzaa! Finally an opportunity to show my faith and the Italian prowess to the barbarians of this island! The Pope (my family friend, by the way) calls a holy crusade for Jerusalem! Deus vult!




http://i.imgur.com/12pUM.jpg
I pack my toothbrush, mirror, comb, wardrobe and 1887 of my closest friends and off we sail to the South.




http://i.imgur.com/tg5Ve.jpg
After a long journey which I mostly slept, we arrive to the coast of Jerusalem. It's very beautiful this time of the year. Much better than that miserable rock I'm forced to live on.




http://i.imgur.com/yZwuh.jpg
Ah! I have landed to the Holy Land. Truly a sight to behold! The spirit of the saints inspires me to great deeds!




http://i.imgur.com/uTzcs.jpg
Yes! I am indeed ready to...




http://i.imgur.com/m1utg.jpg
...Accept the fact that the Muslims outnumber us 100 to 1 and I'm too young and handsome to die. So having shown my moral support by participating to their silly little war, I leave my brothers in faith to get impaled by the turban heads and instead sail to Sicily to get some proper olive oil finally.




http://i.imgur.com/9pNV7.jpg
Besides, if I'm counting right, my wife should have made me a new heir by now. I must hurry back home so that she won't name him with one of those silly Saxon names. Our family chronicles already have enough Eanfriths as it is.




http://i.imgur.com/Zng4e.jpg
Benedetto is a much better name, and it becomes even better when I again try marrying him to the Kings daughter.




http://i.imgur.com/Ofwrq.jpg
The King is very supportive, and so is my penpal in Rome, who thanks me for the "It's miserable, I wish you were here" card I sent him from Jerusalem. A little gesture goes a long way, doesn't it.




http://i.imgur.com/0ZuhO.jpg
Hooray! Another heir on the way! Clearly God is happy with my participation to the crusade and has blessed me!




http://i.imgur.com/Lx7F7.jpg
However, He still haven't answered my prayers to get rid of my wife the Fish, who incidentally isn't getting any more beautiful with the age. Fortunately she is too naive to understand I'm trying to have an affair with her little sister, who isn't as fish like as she is, but certainly as cold as a piece of seafood usually is.




http://i.imgur.com/pASFX.jpg
But I'm no new to adultery! I know know what will warm her heart (other than a frying pan, I mean): a heroic victory in a tournament, dedicated to her!




http://i.imgur.com/G14hL.jpg
Speaking of heroics, it appears we won the crusade. See now, with my great inspiration even mediocre fools can triumph. I bet it was Italian generals leading the decisive charge.




http://i.imgur.com/fTJ8x.jpg
To celebrate my great victory, the King throws a feast in my honor. I graciously accept his invitation.




http://i.imgur.com/P3DtI.jpg
Looks promising. The castle is miserable and the host is ugly, but the scent...this scent is...




http://i.imgur.com/au3Bu.jpg
Yes!! Real Southern Italian wine!! More!! [Hic] More!!




http://i.imgur.com/4Wyww.jpg
Heeeeyyy yooobooo...ya, Shicherich...errr...have I eveer...eveer shaaid to yooo...that they shouuuld reeally [hic] take yoo to [burb] gallowsh...reeally... Shicherich...you shuck ash a King...OK? OK?

[Beeeeeeb], I'm druuuunk...I love you maaaan!

…

[Thunk]

[Hottentot]

And now a brief intermission: Andrea II just kicked the bucket, but not before totally messing the family lines of not only England, but Europe too. I won't spoil further since the AAR is still in process, but whoever takes it from here, I can brief you by PM.

In any case, updating the AAR will still take a while because there are lots of pictures to come, so feel free to already take it from here guys. I left you a fairly decent heir. (Whom the ever genius AI has apparently married to his cousin, I just noticed. :dead:)

Link (http://rapidshare.com/files/2996571789/Deheubarth1253_01_22.ck2)

[Oberon]

And now a brief intermission: Andrea II just kicked the bucket, but not before totally messing the family lines of not only England, but Europe too.

*loads up save file to take a quick peek*

http://t.qkme.me/3p3wrx.jpg

[Hottentot]

What? It worked for the Habsburgs. Well, for a while (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_II_of_Spain) at least...

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/xiW3Q.jpg
Oof, my head. I have no idea what happened after the tenth tankard. All I know is that I woke up in my bed with a terrible headache and saw my wife next to me. She appeared to be dead.




http://i.imgur.com/iDwJQ.jpg
I arrange a quick burial in sea to honor her before anyone thinks of suspecting me of it. The grief of the loss is too much to bear for my sensitive soul. I'm sure my former wife the Fish would understand that I need someone to console me. Someone young...with an old father...who happens to own lots of land...and doesn't have many male heirs. Yes, I think I've found one in Munster.




http://i.imgur.com/3I1I1.jpg
Dips on the chick, old man.




http://i.imgur.com/dHXi1.jpg
Next step of the business: get rid of the said male heirs, so that my future wife can inherit when my new father-in-law kicks the bucket. Yes, I said "when".




http://i.imgur.com/k1T7g.jpg
Knocking from door to door and asking who wants to kill "the person with weird alphabets in his name" with me, I find out that he has lots of friends.




http://i.imgur.com/KwnAZ.jpg
So I ask how much gold does it take for him to become my friend instead. The answer apparently is "wait, I'll actually get paid in your service?!"




http://i.imgur.com/q6mXY.jpg
And thus we have once again proved that the measure of friendship can be weighed in gold.




http://i.imgur.com/gTIo3.jpg
One of my recently bought friends suggests the good old "viper to the bed" trick that undid my dear brother Abbondio. Feeling nostalgic, I agree. And the viper again delivers.




http://i.imgur.com/O4FzY.jpg
The old man of Munster has been very active with his lady, though, and my future wife still has a few brothers left. Infants, both of them. What kind of monster would I be to plot to assassinate that prancing kid on the yard?




http://i.imgur.com/73nfT.jpg
One that wants to get its hand on the rich lands of Munster. Duh.




http://i.imgur.com/Q2EW9.jpg
Besides, it appears I'm not the only one whom that brat shot with his stupid slingshot.




http://i.imgur.com/OZ6EG.jpg
Me and my co-plotters find out that even the kid's servant maids hate him. All the better for us.




http://i.imgur.com/MTxSf.jpg
So we instruct one of the maids on a new game called "pillow war", and she plays it with Ceolwulf the brat. The results are to my liking.




http://i.imgur.com/slzFr.jpg
OK, next one. I've even met this Sigeric once. He stutters so badly that he would probably sabotage his own demesne if he ever inherited the lands from his father. I'm going to make the diplomats of England a favor and make sure it never happens.




http://i.imgur.com/x2xtZ.jpg
So now that the pillow war has gained such great popularity in Munster, it's obvious that the future ruler Sigeric should learn to play it too.




http://i.imgur.com/uRa6I.jpg
He too turns out to be very bad player. How do you think this child would have ever lead real armies in real war?

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/1nLUG.jpg
But my work is still not done! Just as I open a bottle of imported wine to celebrate my victory over the Munsterian infants, my spies inform me that I missed one. Apparently it's the current Duke's grand daughter. Yeah, it seems one of his imbecile sons managed to get laid before I started killing them.


I could just marry her and be done with it, but breaking my betrothal to the current girl might look a little suspicious after her brothers have started dying left and right. Better just do this the old fashion way before someone else bangs her and ruins all my plans.




http://i.imgur.com/vNOzK.jpg
Some people in the court of Munster are now against the idea, even though they supported killing the brothers. They say this is different, and I agree. The girl hasn't annoyed half as many people, since she doesn't have a slingshot.




http://i.imgur.com/t48LM.jpg
But as we already know: when it comes to relatives...




http://i.imgur.com/5udpr.jpg
...Moral is all relative.




http://i.imgur.com/mAEKk.jpg
This brat doesn't want to play pillow war, saying she'll get boy germs from it. So instead we ask her to come see great sights from the castle walls. There, good girl. Just a few steps further. Further, you must reach really close to the edge to get the best views. Just a few more steps and...




http://i.imgur.com/NCHZB.jpg
Happy landings dear girl-who-could-have-been-pretty-cool-wife-too.




http://i.imgur.com/hYnRl.jpg
There. My dear future wife has inherited the duchy of Munster. The news have just reached me that my dear father-in-law died of depression. I mourn for whole evening and truly wonder what might have caused him to sink into such desperate state. Truly, he was like my own father to me. I despised of him just as much at least.




http://i.imgur.com/1FtKj.jpg
Back home, my now eldest son Benedetto has reached the tender age of 6 and needs a mentor. I can't have that stupid brat asking out loud questions like "daddy, why did you kill my best friend again", so I decide to hire some random moron to tutor him.




http://i.imgur.com/RGgzl.jpg
This guy was the most promising one. He speaks with very weird accent, but I'm sure he'll do just fine.




http://i.imgur.com/BcRpf.jpg
I can't be bothered with him. A tournament is taking place again, and the sister of my former wife is watching! My manly honor demands I need to attend in order to flirt her.




http://i.imgur.com/ahwY3.jpg
I beat up all my paid opponents like we agreed, and my lady has finally seen what kind of man I really am. Um, wait, no, that's what I don't want her to see. But you get the point and I get the kiss, so everyone wins. Even the families of those I had to kill just for show.




http://i.imgur.com/Kanmb.jpg
On the more national scale, King Sigeric has decided to go kill some Scotts again. It seems to be sort of a hobby to him.




http://i.imgur.com/8v6ex.jpg
While Sigeric is away chasing the skirt wearing beard faces, me and bunch of my noble friends decide it would be cool to knock him down a little just for giggles.




http://i.imgur.com/OcMmj.jpg
That naturally doesn't stop me from flattering his fragile little ego and hoping I'll get showered with nice things again.




http://i.imgur.com/FGjUL.jpg
Our hilarious plan is overshadowed only by one of my vassal mayors complaining that he pays too much taxes. Heehee, good one. We have a great laugh over it and he leaves my throne room with a glassy stare on his face.


Life really is quite fun around here after all. I mean, my servants keep me amused, and I always get a good laugh for thinking that those other nobles might one day seriously suggest that we'd...




http://i.imgur.com/BHzYh.jpg
Start a civil war against Sigeric??!! WHAAAAAT??!! So you mean that all the "cut your arm and touch my bleeding wound with it, brother" rituals weren't just because we were drunk like pigs?!

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/G7nXj.jpg
OK. Fine. Since I'm the only one with a real army here, I suppose I have to go play war for a moment. It's all just a game after all, isn't it?




http://i.imgur.com/WmErB.jpg
So off I go to kick some ass and then...Ooo, an abandoned tavern for sale?! I've always wanted to own one of those! Where do I sign?




http://i.imgur.com/9s7Fn.jpg
Hmm, I need a catchy name for my new gold mine. Since "Boozer King" is not on the list, I suppose I should go with something else.




http://i.imgur.com/Z7jaS.jpg
After I have stomped my foot on the floor and made it very clear that we are not serving spam in here, I'm left with the only non-spam food in the whole island: turnips and salt. Time to get creative.




http://i.imgur.com/pPPMg.jpg
Then there is still the question of amusement. I like the idea of the eunuch singer. Too bad we killed Abbondio. I would have gladly castrated him for the occasion. But an eunuch we will get nevertheless.




http://i.imgur.com/dNFzU.jpg
The people were amused at first, but didn't find it funny when his shrieking broke their tankards and spilled beer on their clothes. A fight erupted.




http://i.imgur.com/uyDCO.jpg
However, those drinks were already paid for, so I actually profited. The salt on the turnips helped.




http://i.imgur.com/AKWCt.jpg
All in all, I think I managed quite well, but since the quests broke the whole building down on opening night, I can't be bothered to repair it again. Back to war.




http://i.imgur.com/LBt4R.jpg
My tactical genius nets us a great victory, obviously. My so called allied have also been somewhat succesful.




http://i.imgur.com/CFv2m.jpg
Since I mostly hang around and let all the other fools get maimed in battle, I get a reputation of being patient and careful commander.




http://i.imgur.com/lolu3.jpg
However, my younger brat Andrea (where did he come from anyway), who is following me around, gets it all wrong.




http://i.imgur.com/RG03h.jpg
The war makes us all suffer personal losses. Mine is losing the duchy of Munster to some beard for brains, who apparently killed my future-Duchess-wife-to-be and claimed the duchy as his own. I'll get him later for that.




http://i.imgur.com/D2YUq.jpg
Because right at the moment the more urgent problem is getting a new heiress as wife before some other lords claim them all. There is one Edith, the eldest daughter of house Dunkeld which, incidentally, has only female children. Her father is the Duke of Manyplaces in Scotland. He is about my age, but I'm sure his lifespan can be shortened, so we get betrothed with Edith.




http://i.imgur.com/uI9XA.jpg
Then I throw around some money again to hire a few more underlings to help us in war against King Sigeric.




http://i.imgur.com/4tmS7.jpg
Right before marching off to war with my recently bought friends, my courier babbles something about the imminent dectruction of all organic life, but I don't have time to listen to such trivialities.




http://i.imgur.com/mzKAO.jpg
I'm too busy making a heroic landing to Ireland, specifically in Connacht. See, I knew I conquered that patch of land for something. Now the loyalist forces will learn to fear the name of house Northumbria!




http://i.imgur.com/Ls9jU.jpg
We kick the King's troops into the middle of next week...only to find out that he has about 10,000 Danish barbarians helping him to put down our playful little civil war. Oops.




http://i.imgur.com/s1AEh.jpg
I think this is what we call a "time for a tactical retreat"




http://i.imgur.com/GWRDK.jpg
Note to self: next time I get involved in civil war, I should find out if the King has relatives sitting on the thrones of other kingdoms.




http://i.imgur.com/2ubn2.jpg
The other nobles agree. A white peace is negotiated and we all agree that it was a funny little exercise that left many young women out there longing for a man to hold their hands.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/aOCg1.jpg
However, I don't have time to play with the serfs. Instead I get back to my favorite hobby: killing infants. I've been plotting to kill this whoever-he-is just for fun, but now I have a bigger fish to fry.




http://i.imgur.com/nzXaA.jpg
I'm of course referring to Roderick of Dunkeld, my newest father-in-law to whose heir I'm betrothed.




http://i.imgur.com/jPwrB.jpg
I only hope that Sigeric isn't going to ruin my future property in his newest war against Scotland.




http://i.imgur.com/Zd1BH.jpg
It appears Roderick is pretty popular among his subjects. Even gefty bribes won't buy me friends this time, except for a local drunkard who claims he drank with someone called Roderick once 30 years ago. Not good enough.




http://i.imgur.com/rCgk0.jpg
Well, if I can't do it the subtle way, then a group of thugs armed with swords should be just as effective. Pinocchio and the boys will pay him a visit.




http://i.imgur.com/PB9r5.jpg
Goodbye Duke Former-Father-in-Law. Welcome Duchess Future-Wife-of-Mine.




http://i.imgur.com/Cuqwz.jpg
To celebrate my success, I decide to grant a little land to my eldest son Benedetto. I'm tired of having him throw rocks at me and crying he wants a pony.




http://i.imgur.com/ueYOL.jpg
His brother Andrea on the other hand must learn already at young age that he won't get nice stuff in the first place.




http://i.imgur.com/KBRsx.jpg
As I inspect my family's future holdings in Scotland, I find out that the Englishmen and the Scots are still locked in combat. For being outnumbered 2 to 1, the skirt men fight pretty well.




http://i.imgur.com/UQfWf.jpg
Andrea follows me and already understands what the fate of the Scots is going to be under my dynasty's rule. That's the spirit, boy!

[Oberon]

Oh hai, I fixed your screenshot:

http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/1751/4tms7.jpg

[Crécy]

Holy Roman Empire has certainly been busy :hmmm:.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/Y2PZR.jpg
I don't like Sigeric ruining my property with his armies. They didn't even wipe their feet before trampling over my fields. I send Gebetto and the boys to teach him a lesson about respect.




http://i.imgur.com/O2iIk.jpg
The new king reminds me of someone I once saw in a market fair gypsy's crystall ball. He spoke in very loud voice, waved his hands frantically and most he ever said was...




http://i.imgur.com/HeicP.jpg
"Respect my authoritah!" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gx4jn77VKlQ)

That's it, if he starts invading Poland, I'm out of here!




http://i.imgur.com/OpxIk.jpg
Then again, he may have a point. Some bloody peasants are not respecting my authoritah, and I need to go hit them with a big stick again.




http://i.imgur.com/MoKIb.jpg
What? This nonsense again? First he plots to claim my Duchy...




http://i.imgur.com/2de7A.jpg
...And right after that begs for my help because he is getting his ass kicked by the the new King for not respecting the...aw, whatever!

Not that I wouldn't admire his skill at being a magnificent backstabbing bastard, but all the same I can't stop wondering if his idiocy knows any bounds.




http://i.imgur.com/6pvUy.jpg
Did he really forget that I'm the capo di tutti capi here, and when I for once have a legal claim on his lands, there is no reason not to use it when he can't hide behind the King's back anymore.




http://i.imgur.com/tkURK.jpg
But as has happened in my family's history before, the Englishmen get there first. They let us roast some sausage on their campfire when we arrive.




http://i.imgur.com/KIW0u.jpg
Bah, whatever, it was a stupid war anyway.




http://i.imgur.com/SigSL.jpg
I have better things to do anyway. Like finally getting married with my Edith, so she can start making babies for me.




http://i.imgur.com/bpYEi.jpg
The civil war ends quickly and the rebellious Earl Eanfrith of Ulster is thrown into King Wealtheof's dungeon.




http://i.imgur.com/W9LyW.jpg
I go visit him there. He spits on my face and says "bring it on!" Apparently the fact that the King just threw him in jail doesn't stop him from thinking we are at war and that he is winning.




http://i.imgur.com/ofweE.jpg
Fine. We'll just go burn his mead storages then. That should do it.




http://i.imgur.com/ZLCsD.jpg
Nothing like good old offspring making to relieve excess stress from stupid no good wars.



http://i.imgur.com/GPLqS.jpg
Nine months later I'm a happy father again. Edith and I think Ciro would be a good name for the future Duke of Manyplaces in Scotland. But after a few drinks we agree that Loo would be much more hilarious for the future historians, so Loo it is.




http://i.imgur.com/wVy4l.jpg
And as for Edith, I don't need her anymore when there are so many unmarried heiresses in the world waiting for me.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/N0B0I.jpg
Edith is fairly popular and I admit I liked her myself, but the right of the state never sleeps. After some bribes I manage to hire a bunch of her servants to help me in becoming a bachelor again.




http://i.imgur.com/Lru9O.jpg
A little ride in the countryside should do it. And if it won't...




http://i.imgur.com/DKPtA.jpg
...At least Edith appreciates good wine as much as I do, I think she'd like it if we spiked her drink a little.




http://i.imgur.com/PZq6J.jpg
The carriage suffers a horrible accident right next to the steepest cliff of Scotland, and my poor wife falls to her death.




http://i.imgur.com/SlzIE.jpg
But because I'm not a monster, the least I could do was make sure she'd die happy.




http://i.imgur.com/YhJ1N.jpg
Oh Edith, the Lord called you away from us at such young age. Truly you were the best of your family. Well, the last at least.




http://i.imgur.com/UH2is.jpg
As much as it pains me to see you leave me all alone in the cruel world, I still hope you can feel consolation in knowing that you helped your ancestral family lands to become part of the Northumbrian dynasty and find eternal hilarity in the name of your heir. Know that I shall mourn your passing...




http://i.imgur.com/QE8Yy.jpg
...At least as long as it takes to find a new heiress of a rich family. For surely you agree that the deal we did in front of the Lord and his servant was very clearly worded: "Till death do us part." So don't feel bitter when I don't say "see you in after life", honey. Rest in pieces. Amen.




http://i.imgur.com/sM8yv.jpg
How lucky I am. My new wife is already a Duchess and I don't have to go through the inconvenience of killing her family. If everyone in the world was like this, life would be much more easy for people like me. I even get paid for this!




http://i.imgur.com/fx2bS.jpg
To celebrate my marriage and future ownership of Bedford, I waste my wife's wedding money to build a new castle in Gwynedd. My old one was gettinf drafty.




http://i.imgur.com/l1CBl.jpg
Andrea the younger brat has become adult as well. I keep him around so that he won't start making trouble. Knowing there is one less dagger aimed at my back makes me feel much more relaxed.




http://i.imgur.com/aE5fu.jpg
But since I can't marry all the heiresses in the world, or even England, I send Andrea to live with yet another lonely Duchess in Gloucester. And conveniently ensure that all the future Dukes of Gloucester shall therefore be of my dynasty.




http://i.imgur.com/9JlBD.jpg
Then I remember having a daughter as well and send her to Norway to marry a local Prince. Of course I insist that the Prince then takes her surname and not the other way around.




http://i.imgur.com/AdCIV.jpg
After seeing to it that my offsprings are doing something useful, I can concentrate on making more of them.




http://i.imgur.com/QEWEJ.jpg
Oh, the birth of a son never gets old, especially knowing what he stands to inherit. Since Bedford is one of the biggest Duchies in whole England, he needs a suitably noble and epic name that the chronicles can remember him by. Therefore I decide to pay my respect to the local culture and call him "Spam". Duke Spam the First. That has a nice ring to it.




http://i.imgur.com/G7SKK.jpg
And now as for my wife...cough...bloody hell...




http://i.imgur.com/rnKkq.jpg
Ugh...it's not poison, alright. I've mixed enough to know the symptoms. It's just a flu, but strong enough to keep me tied to bed for the moment. Plotting will have to wait.




http://i.imgur.com/k8Q7p.jpg
My ilness must be the work of the devil! It's evident from seeing that heretics have crept into my domain and are preaching their sinful lies of women being equal to men!




http://i.imgur.com/RGhSo.jpg
Something must be done, lest my throne is in danger. I send my Court Chaplain to start the inquisition. There is no innocence! Only degrees of guilt!

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/Y2h7i.jpg
At least my daughter has managed to get a new child to enrich the culture in Norway. Good!




http://i.imgur.com/nVQQC.jpg
As if the flu wasn't doing its best to kill me, the wife of my idiot son Benedetto is now also plotting my demise. You'd think the son would have guts to do it himself, blast it!




http://i.imgur.com/traH7.jpg
Of course such serious threats need serious measures, so Sigrid wakes up next to the severed head of her favorite servant. I get an apology an hour after that.




http://i.imgur.com/vhVTf.jpg
My victory over the harpy is crowned by my victory over the heretics that tried granting her kind some rights in the first place. Long live patriarchy!




http://i.imgur.com/F7M6Z.jpg
Looking at the mao for a change, the world is starting to look silly. England and Finland have at last become annoyed with people confusing their names and decided to unite under a single crown. Crown that shall one day be mine, I hasten to add.




http://i.imgur.com/Sazwh.jpg
And you can always count on those rascal Finns to cause trouble in the kingdom. Good for me again.




http://i.imgur.com/93Njh.jpg
No! More heretics! First I burn the Court Chaplain that didn't get them all the last time! Then I start burning everyone who looks like a heretic.




http://i.imgur.com/3FeHZ.jpg
As much as I love the smell of burning flesh in the morning, my presence is required in the grand tournament our King is having. Good! Since I can't get the smell of victory off of my clothes anyway, I can't lose!




http://i.imgur.com/EsbW2.jpg
Just as I'm trying to decide if I should use my brown horse with black spots or black horse with brown spots, my servant again babbles something about our approaching doom. I tell him to run along.




http://i.imgur.com/HQHOw.jpg
While traveling to the tournament, I need something to amuse myself with. Killing infants never gets old, especially when they are of the Fedlimid family (the rats who killed my bride What-Was-Her-Name-Again and stole Munster from me!)




http://i.imgur.com/NScDg.jpg
Note to self: next time I hire someone from people known as chronic alcoholics, I'll take a Finn instead of an Irishman. At least those forest folk manage stab someone whenever they are drunk.




http://i.imgur.com/9rwO8.jpg
Sigh. Killing the snooping authorities just isn't nearly as satisfying.




http://i.imgur.com/xG4CL.jpg
Well, if I can't get the older of the Fedlimid brothers, I can at least plot to get rid of the younger one.




http://i.imgur.com/7uD03.jpg
Where's your wide smile now, Beardy McBeardstein?! I'll get you too right after your brats and avenge the poor...sheesh, someone bring me a chronicle and remind me already what her name was?




http://i.imgur.com/BZbdo.jpg
Of course killing Fedlimids like flies doesn't stop me from marrying my son Spam to their eldest daughter, who will then inherit these rich lands of Munster.




http://i.imgur.com/TDG5M.jpg
Speaking of killing: just as I remember that I still have an useless wife myself, my Spymaster brings me news that make my whole world collapse. My eldest son, who always was to me like my right...err, left hand, is plotting to kill me in order to inherit early.


I can't believe hearing this! I remember like yesterday all the long nights we spent together learning the finest tricks of the family business. I can still see the excitement gleaming in his eyes when he got his first dagger as a birthday gift! I held his hand when he tested it on his first serf! And how proud I was of him when he finally moved away from my court to opress peasants of his own! After all we have been through, this...this is what he does?!


[Sniff] my little Benedetto is all grown up! I'm so proud of him!




http://i.imgur.com/xlvoj.jpg
This occasion must be celebrated properly! I invite Benedetto to visit home and have one of those moving Father-Son talks that one of those monks in the monastery is always blabbing about.




http://i.imgur.com/HP5uW.jpg
He...he defies me?! Oh how well I have taught the lad!

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/WYq30.jpg
I'll have to tell him later how proud I am of him. At the moment more urgent thing is that the old king finally choked on his moustache and there is a new brat on the throne. He doesn't exactly like me, and I don't want to start a war when I'm busy disciplining my son.




http://i.imgur.com/2nEdX.jpg
So I offer my penpal in Rome a little quid-pro-quo deal.




http://i.imgur.com/5V3Mm.jpg
I've always wanted to receive one of these letters.




http://i.imgur.com/WJUmd.jpg
Since the King officially doesn't belong to the Pope's club anymore, the nobles all around the English Kingdom start founding their own.




http://i.imgur.com/NhL7q.jpg
The new king starts coughing blood and suffering from weird bald spots on his head just one year after taking the throne. He dies quickly and we all agree together that it was an illness.




http://i.imgur.com/VgJ7o.jpg
OK, back to Benedetto. Since he now seems to have officially reached adolescence, I have to remind him why you don't mess with your father beyond certain point. I swear, if I had beaten him more when he was a kid, this would never have happened. Stupid liberal monks, I should have never listened to them. Well, I can still do it and invite my friends too.




http://i.imgur.com/kG6BC.jpg
I knew I kept that wife around for something.




http://i.imgur.com/A6yrm.jpg
Speaking of wives: JACKPOT!!!




http://i.imgur.com/nFeWI.jpg
Sorry dear, but I'm afraid you just became obsolete. It's like our marriage always was: nothing personal.




http://i.imgur.com/7FTLW.jpg
Really, I'm sorry, but I'm in a little hurry and can't arrange anything more fancy for you. Good thing you don't have any relatives left to ask me dumb questions.




http://i.imgur.com/ljHpk.jpg
And now, for my Future-King-Making-Machine, we shall...WHAAAAT??!! What do you mean you don't want to marry me??! I'm the freaking don Andrea II! What do the stupid Kings have that I don't?!




http://i.imgur.com/AaUy4.jpg
Hrmph. Nordics. I hate them. My greatgreatgreatgrandfather Waltheof hated them too. OK, where was I. Oh yeah, putting the fear of God to my son Benedetto, that's right.




http://i.imgur.com/pg8PA.jpg
Like one son wasn't enough to worry about, now that brat Spam has got himself into a jam back in Bedford and asks good old godfather Andrea to bail him. Well, since not doing it would mean that I laid with that horrible fish lady for nothing...




http://i.imgur.com/aSwcv.jpg
I buy Spam 5445 soldiers, wrap them in gift paper and send them marching to Bedford.




http://i.imgur.com/YnFef.jpg
That was enough to make the enemies of our family understand not to mess with us any further. All hail Spam! (I can't believed I just said that.)




http://i.imgur.com/I2JjN.jpg
Stupid Benedetto still won't give up. He has build quite many little holdings here and we keep sieging them one after another.




http://i.imgur.com/h8qhS.jpg
OK, boy, the game is over. Give it up and I won't withhold your weekly pocket money. What? Did he really say "Come on, you pansy"?!




http://i.imgur.com/r9DGQ.jpg
He is as stubborn as I am, and even gets the light comedy references right. At least I can for once be sure that my wife didn't cheat me.




http://i.imgur.com/40uFt.jpg
That of course doesn't stop me from taking his last castle, where me and my troops find him hiding in the cellar, quickly trying to burn what looks like the latest issue of "Playcount" and a bottle of lotion.




http://i.imgur.com/coEl1.jpg
OK, it was all fun and games son, but you and I have a lot to talk about your future.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/aThGe.jpg
OK, next thing on the agenda: I'm a bachelor again. And Eadhild of Whicce is going to inherit the Duchy of York, even though she doesn't know it yet.




http://i.imgur.com/JeRcH.jpg
Her old father Oswine is married to a crone who is about as capable of becoming pregnant as I am.




http://i.imgur.com/kVIZd.jpg
And his only heir is Mr. Funny Hat. Seems pretty straightforward to me.




http://i.imgur.com/UC3O9.jpg
I get lots of help from another guy with a funny hat, who is apparently bitter for not having as cool hat as the soon to be deceased Mr. Funny Hat.




http://i.imgur.com/ydb8t.jpg
Ah, the balconies again. If the Englishmen were there building Rome, it would have collapsed before Julius Caesar was even born. The cherry on the top is that the idea comes from the very same Eadhild whom I'm about to marry soon.




http://i.imgur.com/8m4Rg.jpg
Apparently Mr. Funny Hat isn't dumb. I told Eadhild she shouldn't have put the "free flight lessons" placate next to the sawed off railings.




http://i.imgur.com/tncsV.jpg
Oh well. Despite of her failure, I still grudgingly agree to marry her, provided that she pays a huge amount of gold to be my next wife.




http://i.imgur.com/AZHi7.jpg
Eadhild is very eager to correct her previous mistake and now suggests that we instead blow Mr. Funny Hat to pieces with loads of cow manure. Her affection to the bovine excrement reminds me of that dimwit Abbondio, but the idea is decent nevertheless. Go go cow girl!




http://i.imgur.com/t5C0k.jpg
I wonder what tipped the Hat Man off this time: the smell of the crap, the fact that it had been smeared all over the walls, or that his little sister Eadhild was waiting for him there, asking if she gets his pony if he happens to die anytime soon.




http://i.imgur.com/zPdDc.jpg
Bah, women shouldn't be entrusted with killing anyone! Fortunately the other guy with a pointy hat has managed to acquire some good wine with extra spices. Good!




http://i.imgur.com/lW2eA.jpg
It worked perfectly, except that the idiot wrote a greeting card to go along with the bottle, saying "With love from the future Duke of York Andrea II."




http://i.imgur.com/zwDOJ.jpg
On the top of suffering a public embarrassement, my new wife Eadhild refuses to speak to me and claims it wasn't fair to get someone else to kill his brother.




http://i.imgur.com/gIuJv.jpg
On the top of that, while Eadhild messed everything up, someone of the Whicce family managed to get laid and now I have to get rid of this little brat Eadhburh too. I hate killing little girls. They make much better wives than coffin stuffings.




http://i.imgur.com/JXI0P.jpg
It appears most of her court agrees. Except for this one guy Wiglaf, with whom young Eadhburh forgot the first rule of a long living ruler: Keep your Spymaster happy.




http://i.imgur.com/1jwo7.jpg
I have hardly said "you're hired" when he already informs me that Eadhburh's first try at the pillow war game had a tragic ending.




http://i.imgur.com/VdYSm.jpg
Since my new wife is now officially old Oswine's heir, I decide to make sure she stays that way too.




http://i.imgur.com/XlSle.jpg
Eadhild is still mad at me, but fortunately there are always other people with grudges towards rulers I need to get rid of.




http://i.imgur.com/L35R3.jpg
And besides, I don't need my wife talk to me when I'm making babies, so the difference is trivial.




http://i.imgur.com/GuvLC.jpg
Oswine likes trips to the countryside too. My new friend Wiglaf knows an excellent cliff from which his grace would certainly like to admire the scenery.




http://i.imgur.com/Q05qT.jpg
Crap. Not only did he prove to be more nimble than I expected such an old geezer to be, he even saved the driver who swore it was me who suggested the sightseeing there.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/xDgF7.jpg
I can't have him blabbering about my schemes to all my possible future father-in-laws. Benito and the boys need to take care of this.




http://i.imgur.com/bGETw.jpg
It's impossible to get competent underlings these days. Besides, Benito owed me a beer!




http://i.imgur.com/5th8K.jpg
Good thing Wiglaf has already removed that idiotic sign my wife put in the balcony to kill Hatty, so Oswine won't suspect anything when taking a walk there.




http://i.imgur.com/5yPlt.jpg
But just to be sure, Wiglaf has another idea as well...




http://i.imgur.com/4b0B5.jpg
My, he really is a creative and eager man, isn't he. If he wasn't so rotten to the core, I'd invite him to my court.




http://i.imgur.com/cWW7o.jpg
Oswine and I have a talk about the misunderstandings there have been between us. I can't stand the old fool yakking all the time, but this time I'm there to push him personally over the edge.




http://i.imgur.com/14GaG.jpg
And down there was waiting my disloyal friend Wiglaf, who propelled the mauled Duke into the air with so much cow excrement I could smell it from a mile away. My former father-in-law was last smelled flying towards the general direction of France.




http://i.imgur.com/DR4jb.jpg
My, England has become a dangerous place, hasn't it. You never know who wants to kill you. I'd better some extra security just in case.




http://i.imgur.com/iH32O.jpg
Of course, Eadhild isn't exactly thrilled to have me come home covered in the intestines of his closest family again. Downsides of being succesful is getting estranged from your loved ones.




http://i.imgur.com/bNIKN.jpg
Good thing that my nine months of waiting is finally over and the stork brought me the long awaited parcel, whom I decide to name Broom just for giggles.




http://i.imgur.com/hT93y.jpg
Just as I'm in the middle of wondering how to get rid of my now useless wife Eadhild, I get informed that Wiglaf got ahead of me and killed her before I could even ask. I send the man a bottle of champagne to thank him for saving me the trouble.




http://i.imgur.com/JhtLR.jpg
Whew. I've spent enough time in York. Time to go back home and inspect the condition of the castle. In the darkest and wettest part of the dungeon I find an oddly familiar looking man stripped to his undies and with a piece of paper saying "kick me" nailed on his back.


"Who is this?" I ask.
"You son, Sire." The guard replies.
"More specific."
"The one that wanted to kill you."
"More specific."
"The one that you then beat and threw in prison."
"More specific."
"In May."
"More specific."
"On Sunday?"
"Mo...oh, right! Benedoltto of something. I had to buy a wardrobe full of new clothes since I couldn't get the blood of his family off my old ones."


I suppose I never had that serious talk with him? And looking at him now, he doesn't look capable of having one with the right half of his face two times the size of the left one and oddly red-blue. Since I need to make room in the dungeon, I send him back to...wherever he lives.




http://i.imgur.com/V5CXa.jpg
Right after he has limped into the proverbial sunset, I remember that he is my heir. I can't have my heir looking like a May day balloon. No heiress is going to take him seriously like that. So I start looking for new ones. Loo of Scotland has matured quite nicely, but he doesn't feel sneaky and greedy enough for my liking.




http://i.imgur.com/CoeG9.jpg
Whereas my other sons Spam...




http://i.imgur.com/TqaxE.jpg
...And Broom are still just kids. I suppose I have to wait for a while before I decide who gets the crown.




http://i.imgur.com/ljm8J.jpg
Waiting is boring. Back to killing Fedlimid infants.




http://i.imgur.com/eDmQW.jpg
And building stuff.




http://i.imgur.com/WOlNB.jpg
Some blabbering old man claims that if we pay him lots of money, he will share his deepest thoughts with us. Since I have lots of money and no better way to waste it, I decide to humor the request.




http://i.imgur.com/ZArV2.jpg
The authorities are again giving me trouble. Why is some fool from Gloucester even interested if I want to make the Fedlimids of Munster an extinct species?




http://i.imgur.com/LU7K3.jpg
Well, at least my chancellor still knows how to get brownie points from the King. That should keep him from interfering with my plans to eat his Kingdom from the inside out and burst out of it's chest to grow into...Oops, sorry, wrong film.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/04iOA.jpg
Waiting is still boring. Time to throw a party! That's what we Italians know the best, especially if it's not our money!




http://i.imgur.com/m1rXu.jpg
Hooray, a wonderful start! I was afraid the peasants would just dance around a pole and sing, but it seems we can get some food old fashion hangings here too!




http://i.imgur.com/rqvDE.jpg
I thought if the group was called "The Jumping Jews of Jerusalem", it simply can't be bad. Turns out I was wrong. Time to change the name of their show to "Bouncing Heads of Hooligans".




http://i.imgur.com/xc2ni.jpg
Thieves, imbeciles and now cheating in archery contest! Who hired these fools?! Off with his head too!




http://i.imgur.com/sFAbF.jpg
The most hilarious part of the whole party was seeing chimps beat their trainer into bloody mass. I pay the leader monkey well and they promise to come next year too.




http://i.imgur.com/BtNMX.jpg
OK, back to family business. I have scoured through all England in vain to find a new wife, but then I hear a rumor that the King of Norway has some daughters left and not too many sons. Cäme tö think åf it, I häve älwäys liked cödfish.




http://i.imgur.com/1Un7s.jpg
I wonder if the Norwegian brats make funnier noises than English and Irish ones as they die?




http://i.imgur.com/ZYpjy.jpg
It's a sign of a great heir when one of his future vassal Dukes already wants to kill him. Who am I to argue?




http://i.imgur.com/qtIXU.jpg
Treachery! Just as I'm drawing a new masterplan to in white to the blue ACME paper (yes, it included an anvil too), I find out that my very own servants are plotting against me. I forgave them publicly. And after that...




http://i.imgur.com/1S7wO.jpg
Well, will you look at that. As soon as I'm not there to personally lead them, the overpaid fools can't even throw a kid over a wall. And these are to be my future subjects?




http://i.imgur.com/Jm0ug.jpg
I still can't travel to Norway, for I'm afraid that someone is trying to hurt me. Just today I found a spy rummaging through my comic collection. He had seen too much. I sent him back home with two less eyes.




http://i.imgur.com/eIPGr.jpg
Meanwhile in Norway, my conspiring friends have managed to wake up the kid's pining for the fjords and rented him a floating bathtub to sail with.




http://i.imgur.com/Xl4w9.jpg
Note to my over eager underlings: next time you want to drown the kid, removing the whole bottom of the boat and having it sink before the brat can even get on board is not the way to go.




http://i.imgur.com/J8yY8.jpg
Bah, since it's taking forever to kill even one of the Norwegian princes, I send Aldo and the boys to take care of the other one.




http://i.imgur.com/RKUH2.jpg
How many times have I told you not to scream "Don Andrea sends his regards" when killing people?!




http://i.imgur.com/iIcSr.jpg
My God! An assassin! An assassin in my very own castle! Bloated eyes, empty stare and smells like a codfish. The trail leads to the tuna cannery.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/2BaAR.jpg
Enough of this idiocy! I'll go there myself!




http://i.imgur.com/PfjTy.jpg
And as for my father-in-law, who is about to join the other fathers-in-laws in whatever weird afterlife they may have...




http://i.imgur.com/RrkLT.jpg
He is waaayyy too popular for my liking. Come on! You can't tell me he didn't try to kill you too every now and then for no reason whatsoever. Clearly the man is a dangerous lunatic!




http://i.imgur.com/lX0dQ.jpg
Change of plans. First I make him pay me for marrying his daughter.




http://i.imgur.com/JdXzl.jpg
And then use the money to pay Igor from Novgorod to take care of the problem for me. What better wedding gift for my new wife than the almost brand new crown of her father?




http://i.imgur.com/N2zRX.jpg
The father-in-law-number-something left behind a book that the monks claim to be very valuable. I say it has way too few pretty pictures and too much boring text, so I instead use it to warm up my bathing water. I need to get rid of the scent of the fish before every stray cat in England attacks me.




http://i.imgur.com/yHwiN.jpg
Far more to my liking is this golden crown I got from this deal. None of my ancestors ever had such a cool baubble.




http://i.imgur.com/P3MMM.jpg
Thing in England continue as per usual. A civil war erupts again tearing the Kingdom apart. The interesting detail in this particular one is that it's started by that fool Fedlimid from Munster. For once I'm eager to raise levies in King's service.




http://i.imgur.com/gz956.jpg
The King rewards my sudden loyalty by suggesting my daughter marries his son. Truth be told, I had no idea I had a daughter. This changes so many things.




http://i.imgur.com/bQSXF.jpg
I turn my liege down being sure that I can find a better deal somewhere. And sure enough, the Bohemian King Spytihnev is very happy to accept the initiation of his youngest prince into my family.




http://i.imgur.com/1d1QG.jpg
Poor Spytihnev should have really checked how many male heirs he has before accepting that.




http://i.imgur.com/kzn9a.jpg
His son Sezima could as well hand over the crown to me, but there is something more satisfying in getting it after the funeral.




http://i.imgur.com/pW2Kg.jpg
Now where is Bohemia again? I can't seem to locate it on the map.




http://i.imgur.com/BToZi.jpg
Oh, here it is. The pitiful Eastern buttock of the Holy Roman Empire. Whatever. I want it anyway.




http://i.imgur.com/ImFBl.jpg
So: just business as usual, Sezima. Don't worry, I'm getting really good at this. It won't hurt a bit.




http://i.imgur.com/GUiVu.jpg
Sezima has quite a few enemies, but truth be told, I'm tired of waiting these foreigner fools get something done.



http://i.imgur.com/mKfLh.jpg
Far more convenient to just hire Fabio and the boys to pay him a visit. They are killing him in Bohemia. Ja, in Bohemia, where assassins are rarely wearing underpants.




http://i.imgur.com/6Y5ah.jpg
There. My daughter is now officially betrothed to the future king of Bohemia, and every single brat they ever conceive will be of house Northumbria. Politics is great when you don't even need to get bloody to conquer whole kingdoms.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/h61Q9.jpg
Speaking of Kingdoms, my inheritance in Norway doesn't look at all what I'd want it to look like. So I kick my wife around to return order to my future property before some stupid usurper Duke undoes everything I have worked for.




http://i.imgur.com/029UJ.jpg
As we know, beating your kids is the answer to all the problems in the world, and apparently we can add wives to that list too.




http://i.imgur.com/eEUFn.jpg
Speaking of kids, there is still this...oh, my memory fails me again. The one that is supposed to inherit me, even if he is already old, hasn't plotted even one Duchy for our family yet and is otherwise a complete dolt too.




http://i.imgur.com/cnYmY.jpg
Whereas his son is much more clever and younger. But by the law the throne should belong to my less than succesful son.




http://i.imgur.com/bisoa.jpg
So I invite him to talk about changing the law a little. He gets his old room back too just to show I'm not bitter over our last argument.




http://i.imgur.com/ZPm1V.jpg
Even at the age of 41 and after all my careful, fatherly guidance, Benedetto hadn't learned to understand that "an offer you can't refuse" is not a figure of speech.




http://i.imgur.com/i1KR9.jpg
My grandson, conveniently also named Benedetto, is now a little disgruntled with me for teaching his father this last lesson of the trade.




http://i.imgur.com/hP0CF.jpg
However, when I explain that I did it just for his own good, he is far more understanding.

[Hottentot]

http://i.imgur.com/WvKwg.jpg
After we toast with Benedetto the Younger for the health of our family, I go to sleep safely knowing that the future of the family assets is in good hands. But my dreams are disturbed in the middle of the nights as I feel less than good hands around my neck, trying to strangle me. My ever vigilant guards impale the would be assassin before he can snap my neck, but the other one gets away. And as we in the family business know, dead men tell no tales.




http://i.imgur.com/tMQOX.jpg
At first I suspect it might have been my heir Benedetto, but since I can't kill my heirs all the time, I instead blame my daughters father-in-law, king Spytihnev of Bohemia. You can't trust a man who has the word "Spy" in his name!




http://i.imgur.com/xdU3P.jpg
My plotting and feuding is interrupted by a grandson I've never heard of. He starts whining why he isn't getting nice things when everyone else has them.




http://i.imgur.com/pJWXS.jpg
This brat is really getting on my nerves!




http://i.imgur.com/M9ogA.jpg
And as for my no good wife, the Queen of Norway: why hasn't she already made a Northumbrian baby to inherit the Kingdom? I'm not getting any younger here, you know!




http://i.imgur.com/ywfLM.jpg
Dealing with monarchs is very stressing. Just as soon as I'm done again beating sense into my wife, I'm already travelling to Bohemia to stage a generic suspicious accident to Spytihnev. It succeeds, and now another obstacle is removed from our dynasty inheriting this land.




http://i.imgur.com/m9iGp.jpg
Ah, finally I have some time to relax.




http://i.imgur.com/BlYZb.jpg
Even the King isn't bothering me anymore, since he won the civil war against Fedlimids.




http://i.imgur.com/AbKt5.jpg
And guess what happened to the old man himself? I'll have to pay him a visit in the dungeon one of these days.




http://i.imgur.com/nVXaz.jpg
Just as I'm leaving him back to rotting in his cell, the old man begs me to help him in war against someone trying to usurp his title. Poetic justice, baby!




http://i.imgur.com/AtGCC.jpg
My newly found joy in the suffering of my nemesis inspires me to make one more offspring with my new, somewhat beaten looking wife.




http://i.imgur.com/LV624.jpg
Since he is going to be the King of Norway, I have to come up with a suitable name for him, so that the locals will accept him.




http://i.imgur.com/MrNLW.jpg
Then just for relaxation it's time to play whack a rebel.




http://i.imgur.com/cej1Q.jpg
And for being such a great man that I am, the King finally recognizes my valor and grants me the position of a chancellor! See?! I'm not old at all yet! On the contrary, this is just the beginning, for I have only started to live! Next I will...




http://i.imgur.com/8arTs.jpg
Guuurg. :dead:

[Hottentot]

Alright, it's all yours lads. Here is the link (http://rapidshare.com/files/2996571789/Deheubarth1253_01_22.ck2) to the save once more.

Onwards on board of HMS Hilarity!:salute:

[Hottentot]

Sooo...new patch coming next week and doesn't look like it will necessary like old save games (the dreaded words "semi-compatible" have been uttered from the horse's mouth.)

Abandon ship?

[Raptor1]

Sooo...new patch coming next week and doesn't look like it will necessary like old save games (the dreaded words "semi-compatible" have been uttered from the horse's mouth.)

Abandon ship?

They said the last patch was semi-compatible and it seems to work fine, so I suggest we find whoever is going to play the next character, give him the save file and then hide behind something in case anything explodes.

[Crécy]

I concur. We should try if it's playable. Would be a shame to abandon it now...

[Hottentot]

I have some old saves from my recent attempt to oust the cursed Capets from the throne of France (ended up as king of Ireland and Jerusalem, as well as vassal of the Holy Roman Empire), and of course our succession save. I'll apply the patch and do a few test runs to see if it makes my count pregnant or turns him into a Smurf.

I'm up for another generation as well, but would prefer not playing to generations in row. I have only so many jokes until it becomes stupidly repetitive, which it definitely would if you had to endure another 50 - 70 years of me.

[Hottentot]

OK, the patch didn't seem too weird on my France game. I let it run for a few years and didn't notice any serious oddities except for having suddenly gone over my demesne limit by two and having a ducal title I wasn't sure I had before (completely possible I did, it has been a while since I played that save.) My laws had been reset as well, but they were easy enough to fix. Couldn't access the new succession laws, but that might have been a feature rather than a bug. The characters were as they were supposed to be and the balance of power looked like what I remembered it to be. All in all, I'd say this patch is compatible with the old saves.

[Crécy]

Is anyone continuing this?

[Hottentot]

I reckon there would be a lot more shiny pictures if that was the case. :03:

This thread has been revived already several times. I wouldn't be surprised if I found someone picking it up again out of nowhere after long time. As long as the patches don't mess stuff up for us, I don't see any problem with that. And it has been a great ride already in any case, so no complaints from me. Would be great though if people who are still interested in this would raise their hand, so we might at least let it sink with honor if no crew is on board anymore.

And to answer my own question: *Hottentot raises his hairy little hand and waves*

[Crécy]

I reckon there would be a lot more shiny pictures if that was the case. :03:

I was hoping someone was sitting on ready-to-post material to keep us from exhaling. :O:

Anyway, I shall raise my hand! Though I'm unable to continue this in a while due to imminent migration.

[Raptor1]

There's yet another patch for the game, but seeing as the last two didn't break it I doubt it will have much negative effect. In either case, I'm still around to continue this as well.

[Oberon]

If required I can do another AAR, but considering the quality of my last attempts... :doh:

[Hottentot]

I don't think anyone is required to do anything. It's more a matter of who happens to have time first. I technically would, but as I said on the previous page, it would sort of defeat the purpose of a succession game to have the same player play two generations in row. I already know all the little surprises I left for you and they wouldn't be of any use then. :)

But the generation after that? Sure, count me in. :up:

[Oberon]

The problem I have is understanding the family system, I tend to let promising opportunities slip past and maintain the status quo. Although admittedly we could probably buy the throne of England at the moment... :hmmm:

[Hottentot]

The problem I have is understanding the family system

I usually go after the old rulers with a few underage sons and a daughter. Marry the daughter to my lad, murder the sons and any new son the father-in-law might make. Killing the infants is stupidly easy, since they don't have any positive traits and haven't been around long enough to make friends. If the ruler's heir has sons already, it's a stretch, but sometimes murdering the grand children is worth it as well. Usually it's just too much work and nothing that can't wait for a better opportunity.

Of course, this only works properly with certain succession laws. I was ripping hairs out of my head in France once when I realized that the stupid king had a law saying only males can inherit. So I ended up changing the king through a matrilineally married claimant. It wasn't exactly difficult by that point to find a disgruntled Capet thrown aside from the succession line and hungry for revenge.


Although admittedly we could probably buy the throne of England at the moment... :hmmm:

Funny you should mention that: after finishing the AAR and creating the save file I played a few years on my own to see where it would go and that's exactly what I did. I got a plot to fabricate claim on the throne of England, bought every single mercenary in the world, got an event saying people are rallying behind my just cause and threw the Godwins (I think) out the palace in less than a year. Of course I got incredibly lucky there with the events and all, but it's technically possible. The next generation is more than likely to become a king.

[Crécy]

Someone standing between you and that title you have been craving for? Send Hottentot.

:O:

[Hottentot]

Playing inheritance politics is definitely the best part of the game if you ask me. I just wish it was a little more complex than it is at the moment. It gets repetitive when I can only bribe the potential conspirators with money and brides, but I can't promise them a future favor for their service. Like "help me overthrow the Duke and I'll make you a count. Deal?"

Then again, when doing that claimant trick in the France game, I couldn't help thinking how the dialogue could have gone with my old Duke and the young and angry claimant Capet.

Duke: "So, lad: you want to be the King, don't you?"
Claimant: "Oh yeah, the crown rightfully belongs to me!"
Duke: "And you really hate your family for casting you aside like an old glove, don't you? They should be wiped out, every last of them, am I guessing right?"
Claimant: "Yes!"
Duke: "[To self: You're not the only one thinking so, filthy Capet] Sure lad. We have the power and the money. All at your disposal. Just sign the contract here and you'll be king of France in three months."
Claimant: "Let me see that parchment. Hey, what's this fine print here saying something about marrying your..."
Duke: "Nothing! Nothing, lad! It's no fine print, it's...uh...fly tracks."
Claimant: "Fly tracks?"
Duke: "It was a really greasy fly, OK! Look here, young man, do you want to be the king or not?!"
Claimant: "Sure, but..."
Duke: "Look, lad!" [drags his young daughter, the future queen of France, out of the shadows] "Boobs!"
Claimant: "[Dazed silence]"
Duke: "Focus, lad: the contract."
Claimant: "Yeah, OK...so I sign..."
Duke: "On the dotted line on the bottom. Here, have a needle."
Claimant: "A needle?! What in the name of God do I need a needle for?!"
Duke: "Poke your finger with it."
Claimant: "What?!"
Duke: "The tradition dictates that you should sign contracts like these with your blood."
Claimant: "I haven't heard of such traditions."
Duke: "Don't be a stick in the mud, lad! Remember the boobs!"
Claimant: "Oh, yeah...OK...ouch!"
Duke: "There, there, the kings don't cry lad. Now, the signature."
Claimant: "[Scribbling]"
Duke: "Eeeeeeexcellent!"


[Three months later]
People of France: "All hail King Theformerkingsdistantcousin!"
Claimant: "I did it! I did it! I'm the best!"
Duke: "Of course, lad. Now remember our contract."
Claimant: "What about it?"
Duke: "See here, I have a copy. Do I need to remind you of your obligations in the bed chamber?"
Claimant: "What? But I'm the King now! You can't do that!"
Duke: "Boobs."
Claimant: "OK, you can do that. Come on, dear."


[Nine months later]
Baby: "Waaaah!"
Priest: "And by the glory of God, our King, his grace Theformerkingsdistantcousin has been blessed with a child. Truly the Lord in his mercy shines over the..."
Duke: "[pushes the priest aside, grabs the baby and starts examining its groin.]"
Priest: "By the God, my good man, what are you doing?!"
Duke: "Shut up, I'm the god...grandfather here and I totally can do this!"
Priest: "But you..."
Duke: "It's a boy! OK, carry on preacher."
Priest: "Well...as I was saying, the Lord in his mercy shines over the lives of the royal family and with his blessing they shall surely live long and our land shall prosper under the wise guidance of King Theformerkingsdistantcousin for many years to come."
Duke: "[To the goon sitting next to him] Make sure that Capet dog slips in the stairs after this stupid ceremony is over."
Goon: "You got it, boss!"



http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/Grendelrose/devil.jpg

[HunterICX]

:rotfl2:

HunterICX