Booze and Señoritas: A Tropico AAR

[Hottentot]

The usual preface:

Dear ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Hottentot Airlines. Today we are taking you on a one-way trip to the shiny, sunny and rum filled caribbean to admire the beautiful, pristine nature and to meet new, exotic people, leading their simple and cheerful lives. Experience the salsa and try the fresh bananas picked from the trees! Nothing in your local super market will come close to this! Just remember to be quick, because the package also involves a stereotypical Caribbean dictator, who might just eat that banana from under your nose. And then make you grow new ones for 1$ per month.

Hottentot Airlines: We do it authentic, baby!


Ahem, on a more serious note: it has been a while since I made my very first AAR (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=177522), incidentally also about Tropico. Feeling nostalgical, I decided to resurrect the old character, but no worries, I'm not selling you the same old stuff in a new package. No, wait, that's exactly what I'm doing, but you're not supposed to notice it. In any case, there is a catch, which you will notice as soon as you look at the pictures, so don't panic. At least yet.

Furthermore: due to Imageshack being bonkers, I can't guarantee that this AAR will be online after the thread has sunk to the bottom and I have made room for new stories on my account. In case anyone digs this up after years (yeah, like that's going to happen) and doesn't see any pictures, please PM me and I'll send the full story to you as a PDF. Otherwise: welcome, once more!


- - - - - - - - - - - -

Part 1: The First Year


Well! That took a while! It turns out the Caribbean is pretty big after all!

Yes, it's me: your savior and hero, Pepe Manuel El Magnifico Handsome. I'm sure you have heard of my great exploits on the island of Tropico a few years ago. Oh how sad those wonderful people were when I left them. "Don't go, Pepe Manuel! We don't know what to do without you! Our señoritas will follow you wherever you go!" Yes, alas, it was a sad moment but I had to leave.

I can't remember exactly why, though. Because after I left, it turned out I had nothing especial in my mind for the future. So since then I have been pretty much drifting in my little rowing boat around the Caribbean, chilling out and getting a nice tan to become even more handsome. At first it felt a little pointless, but then I came across a floating box full of booze and adult magazines, so life was good again.

It was only recently when one evening I was very, very drunk. And you won't believe this, but a FREAKING FAIRY raised out of the water! I thought it was my birthday, but just my luck, it was not a hot señorita fairy like in every good...well, fairy tale. Instead it was a robe wearing nerd calling himself George Orson Goodsoup. And he said: "Pepe, my boy, I have an offer for you, and you can't refuse!"

So I grabbed the oar and smashed him, but he didn't go away. Instead he continued with his stupid nasal voice: "for just 9,99 dollars I can take you to an all new island, which strangely enough resembles your old island by also being called Tropico. But this is all new, third generation Tropico! It has palm trees, beaches, single señoritas and a fax modem!"

Yes, I thought, yes! Anything to get rid of that nightmare! So I quite literally throwed my money at him and POOF! Found myself in the middle of a jungle with irritating and repetitive latino soundtrack playing in my ears without a way to turn it off.

Oh, and then there was this huge sign: "Welcome to Tropico! A new dictator wanted, no former work experience required! Bonus points, if you are inclined to exploit and ruthlessly opress all the simple and good willed natives and willing to make yourself stinking rich in progress without caring about your subjects' well being. Assassination attempts a possible job hazard. Apply to: Secret Base 97, Third Coconut Tree from the right, 22042, Jungle."

So being already experienced on the field, I decided to apply and sent them my CV:


http://img543.imageshack.us/img543/2704/87174137.jpg
I got a return parcel saying: "OK, whatever, do a revolution or something."

So I walked to to the center of the Tropico City and wondered how these stupid people would understand I'm their boss now. I tried telling it to them, but none of them seemed to speak English. So to make them understand my glory, I had to make my first painful sacrifice for the well being of the people. I sacrificed some of my personal booze and bribed the army of Tropico with it to support me in revolution.



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He turned out to be a very nice fellow after a few shots of Maltese, so the three of us (me, him and the only rifle on the island) marched into the current el Presidente's office and told him I'm the new boss. And so began my great career as el Presidente of Tropico (again).

But enough about that. Let's talk more about me! You are here to listen to me talking about me, aren't you?



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When I arrived to this island, I had to of course tell them who I am. So I impressed them by telling how I single handedly defeated traitors and unpleasant people in my previous job when they tried to take over my island with their evil monkey overlords.



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I am an impressive man! That's why the señoritas love me! In secret every man would like to be like me and they are jealous because they just can't become as awesome as I am. Admit it!



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My heart is always open to my people and their needs. After my own needs, of course.



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I can make any backwater island prosperous, because I personally take care that their most important products meet my high quality standards. Unfortunately the whiny people always find this a great excuse to express their jealousness towards me. They did it last time too, but such is life.



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Bah, who cares about the whiny people anyway? I'm here for señoritas and booze and I'm not afraid to say it out loud that yes, I am THE MAN! Those who gets their kicks from old ladies wearing heavy robes, scarfs and their backside on their faces can keep them. I prefer my señoritas' tight buns to be on the lower part of the body instead of in their hair, thank you very much.



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So then: here I am in front of my new house. I like the fancy hat I found in the previous El Presidente's wardrobe, and turns out he had a great cigar collection too!



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As you can see, I really am a man of the people and live modestly like my sub...

Oh wait, sorry, that's from my neighborhood.



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This is mine! See the resemblance? I have a brown door too!



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A quick look around the island tells me that Tropico is rather pictoresque, warm, pleasant...



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And totally backwards! I mean they don't even have a decent pub in here!

[Hottentot]

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Well, I'm El Presidente now, so that's going to change! We are going to claim this island back to the civilization from the Monkey Overlords coconut by coconut! Viva la industrial revolucion!



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First things first: these disgraceful cardboard boxes have to go.



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That space is much better used by building a pub there instead. I'm sure everyone agrees with me. Well, except maybe the cardboard box people, but who cares?! They won't vote! I know because I'm not allowing elections in the first place!



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OK, then the next thing in priority order. The old El Presidente's cigar collection is quickly running out of smokes, so we need to make these natives grow me new ones.



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Also sugar. Sugar is good for booze, which this island also has shamefully little.



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And finally: I'm sick of all this green stuff! Monkeys and their lackeys live in there! I want them all cut down!



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Because I'm genius and these morons are not, I'm personally guiding them in the construction projects. It would be even more efficient if they managed to find their way to the sites to begin with.



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Excellent! The farms are finally ready!



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And here comes a big fat ship desperate to buy anything left over from my personal use! Hahaa! Money!!



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See? This is what I'm all about! My first year in office is over and we have already conquered this much space from the banana munchers! Glorious beginning!



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However, the people are not as hard working as I am! They haven't managed to bring me, their illustrious leader, any income at all! Now I need...

Wait? What's that? "Foreign Aid"? Like, these countries are giving me money? Just like that? No catch? Oh well, I say. A sucker is born every minute. Now, if one bottle of beer costs one dollar, that makes it...

[Oberon]

Oh this is gonna be good, watching this! :yeah:

[Hottentot]

Part 2: The First Term



http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/6659/61902629.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/14/61902629.jpg/)
Bah! Just when I was ordering a shipload of beer, I was informed that my subjects are dying left and right. Normally it wouldn't worry me, but I was also told I have no more people in my sweat shops producing stuff for me. So I decide to again sacrifice my personal well being for the good people of Tropico and build them a clinic.


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And of course the stupid natives can't do anything themselves, so I also had to buy a fat American doctor to treat them. I can't even decribe you how much nerve he had to demand for his services just because he happened to be the only qualified doctor in 10,000 mile radius.

Anyway, that made me go broke again.


http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/4813/40609951.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/265/40609951.jpg/)
On the top of that, some monkey supporting traitors are not happy that I'm bringing progress to their stupid little island. I would have them shot, but they still outnumber my army 3 to 1.


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Look! The nerve! Here they are demonstrating and making sacriliges in sacred places! And my stupid army is literally just standing there with his hands in pockets!


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I decided to visit the protesters and after I talked to them for a while, they all realized how much more nice it would be to just sit down to drink some booze. Everything in order again.


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And to make it very clear that I have no further protesters in front of my holy places, I gather the people around me and wave my finger at them very sternly. That will teach them!


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They still continue to undermine my rule by building those stupid shacks, though. Every time I demolish some, they pop up like cockroaches again. So instead I order the construction people to build one of those huge blocks of concrete I saw once in the Soviet TV. The Comrade Reporter there called them tenements, and I suppose we should have some "tenements" here too. Whatever they are.


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I may not know what a tenement is, but I sure know what this is! Behold the child of my genius, the first cigar factory of Tropico!


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The eggheads again don't appreciate my efforts. As we know, all academics are leftists distorted from reality with no real life experience, so they just can't know how good a cigar can taste like. Instead they want me to build a factory that produces more eggheads. That's absurd! Why would I want more whiners on my island?! Besides, Donald Duck is the highest achievement of literature!


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And speaking of whiners, the party of whiny people has really cut all ties with me. Again. I like that description, though. I think I'll write in on my CV for future dictatorships.


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The whiny people have also cast a curse on me! Behold the Floaty Text of Doom that I can't get rid of even when I tried shooting it!


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Bah, I have no time for trivialities! One of those idiotic slaves again thought the cigar roller can be used for peeling bananas and making tea and it of course broke again. I didn't even find it hilarious anymore, that it ate the idiot too before exploding. It's time to build this place I call "school" where the natives can learn how to operate my delicate industry.


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With my instructions the place is ready in record time. Now I just have to figure out how do I get out of here...

[Hottentot]

http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/1036/96607860.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/191/96607860.jpg/)
Hmm, they should have really included a map of that maze when they build it. Sabotage, I say!

I decide to have my revenge on those sneaky construction workers in a most devious way. First I make them build a camp for my army. Then I fire them. And finally I draft them. Ha! Now let's see how they are escaping this little happy camp!


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Well, duh, obviously they aren't happy. Since when are you supposed to have fun in the army? Unless of course you are one of those guys who sent me a thank you letter for saving on shower curtain expenses.


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And besides, they are completely separated from the rest of the society, so they can't be bitten by these rapid Llamas that keep running around my backyard. They should be thanking me!


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The same, unfortunately, can't be said about all the other people, who seem to have the virus and are now acting like it's a bloody zombie apocalypse.


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Well, if zombie apocalypse is what they want, then zombie apocalypse is what they will get. That Romero guy never seemed to figure what a tank could do to those flesh sacks, but I sure do!


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Apparently even zombies are afraid of a HEAT round. Serves them right. Now if only I could somehow zombify them to their work places, so they wouldn't complain all the time!


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Speaking of work, I was taking my daily exercise swim in the ocean, and it was COMPLETELY ruined by this black crap that kept floating everywhere! I want it cleaned, so someone better prepare the buckets and get on with it!


http://img706.imageshack.us/img706/3600/14246865.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/706/14246865.jpg/)
Weird. As soon as I gave that edict, an American company approached me and said they would take care of that mess for free. In fact, they even offered to pay me to take my waste away. Those Yanquis really just love throwing free money at me!


http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/6106/33210279.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/401/33210279.jpg/)
With the American dollars I build something far more useful. Namely a new El Presidente's VIP swimming pool.


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Blahblahblah, the whining people are whining again. Fine! I will build a church for them! In fact, I'll build two!


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The first one on the front is dedicated to whiskey and the second one on the back is for rum. Carefully placed near the school, so students get properly educated in their early and sensitive age. I'm always thinking our beloved future!


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And it worked like a charm. Like I have always said: "Don't worry, drink beer!"


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Oh. Someone had one drink too much. They have sent me a poorly spelled letter telling they want to play the election game. I suppose I could then, since the numbers look so good.


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In my campaign I give a rousing speech, promising Tropico a radiant, booze filled future...


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And I remind everyone how great I am.


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And not surprisingly my opponent, whoever he/she was, suffers a crushing defeat. The life continues. Rum for everyone!

[Takeda Shingen]

This is hilarious. More. More, I say! :up:

[mookiemookie]

Furthermore: due to Imageshack being bonkers, I can't guarantee that this AAR will be online after the thread has sunk to the bottom and I have made room for new stories on my account. In case anyone digs this up after years (yeah, like that's going to happen) and doesn't see any pictures, please PM me and I'll send the full story to you as a PDF.

Use imgur. They don't delete your pictures. Great simple interface and Google Chrome extensions too.

And back on topic....Man, how did I miss this game? Simcity for banana republic dictators. Gotta go get it.

[Hottentot]

Use imgur. They don't delete your pictures. Great simple interface and Google Chrome extensions too

Thanks for the tip! :up:

I have been looking a way to get rid of Imageshack for a while now, but haven't really found an alternative that would be any better. I just cleaned my account for this AAR, so going with it for now, but in the future I think I'll abandon the ship. Down with the opress...now, wait, that doesn't fit the theme of this story at all...


Man, how did I miss this game? Simcity for banana republic dictators. Gotta go get it.

I'm always glad when my humble stories can help people finding hidden gems in addition to the amusement value. It should be pretty cheap on most stores by now. I got mine from GOG when they put it on sale right after release, but for a DRM-free version with all the goodies the full price (15$ think) isn't too much either.

To Oberon and Takeda: more to follow and thanks for the feedback again. :)

The game has played out well, so I'm pretty sure there will be steady flow of updates whenever I have time. Such as this one...


- - - - - - - - - - - - -


Part 3: Dealing with the whiners


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I begin my second term by building a very polluting and ugly iron mine. This should suitably spite those stupid tree huggers who didn't vote me.



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Furthermore, I'm tired of tree huggers walking in the streets in their rainbow shirts, so I instead hire El Presidente huggers in blue shirts to carry them away.



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And once they are somewhere else, I put their children into this new El Presidente sponsored playground to learn that being a tree hugger is very, very bad. I'm wondering if I could still do something. Hmm. Pepe Manuel Youth. That has a nice ring in it.



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Next to the playground I build a museum dedicated to me, myself and I, so the children can make excursions in there and learn more about me.



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Yes! The first ten years have passed, and Tropico is starting to look civilized! But there is still a lot to be done. So shake in your furs, coconut lovers! I'm coming for you!



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First I'm going to get their lackeys, though. Those red hats in their Che Guevara T-shirts keep coming to my backyard, shout obscenities and then run back to their jungle. This time I'm inviting them to me by spreading word of free Fairtrade certified Bananas being given away on one of the outlying farms.



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It worked! He took the bait!



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And thus the resistance move is quelled for good. I hope he finds some solace in the fact that his remains are going to fertilize my not at all Fairtrade certified bananas in the future.



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While the soldiers are leaving, I also tell them to be a little more discreet in robbing the locals. Apparently some idiots have wore their uniforms while stealing the fake Rolexes from the rich.



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The rich, the poor, they all give me just trouble. Again they have made these stupid dog houses in the middle of my beautiful city!



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After evicting them, I decide to build a house of real beauty on their place. This place lacked señoritas with lax moral codes anyway.



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Then there is this huge pile of stones that has been on my way since I started ruling here. I tried blowing it up, but I could hardly even touch the detonator before an UNESCO Ninja jumped on me out of nowhere, sliced the damn thing and disappeared back into the jungle. Four times!

So instead I tried respecting the cultural heritage of the island according to their wishesh and started throwing human sacrifices down those stairs, but something was missing...



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Yes, that was it. How come I didn't understand to right away charge them money for becoming human sacrifices?



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With the money from the sacrifice tickets I decorate my house a little.



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The first 15 years have passed, and the island looks marvelous! Now that I got this place up and running, it's time to concentrate on its real problems.

[Hottentot]

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The main problem, of course, is that the island is full of whining people who don't like me.



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So I solve the problem by making whining illegal. Take that, Floaty Text of Doom!

The good news is, that most of the whiners left the island. The bad news is, that some of them instead swore fealty to the chimps just when I got rid of the previous Hippie movement. Oh well. They'll be dealt with in due time.


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Time to continue operation "Like me or else...". For it I first need a power plant to produce electricity. A very much coal powered, polluting and ugly power plant. Oh yes...



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That already is enough to convince many people that I'm the way and they are wanting me to be El Presidente For Life. I like that. But I know some people do not.



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See? What did I tell you? Those whiny fanatics are already shouting their silly battle chants and causing general headache again. As if they weren't annoying enough before, now some monkeys have already given them guns and horrible taste for clothing. I bet those berets aren't even sewed by a 7 year old Chinese boy!



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Of course my brave army is ready to welcome them back to the society. Body part at a time.



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But horror and disgrace, the rebel scum have driven my valiant fighters away! The survivors have left a note on my door saying: "Screw this, we are not dying for 3$ per month!"



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Those ungrateful brats! They earn three times more than anyone on this island and still they complain! Fine! I'll do it myself then! Make way!!



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Stop right there tree hugging, weed smoking....ooo, boobs!!



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Treachery and intrigue! While I was busy inspecting that the young señoritas frontal airbags meet the standards of our laws, the rest of those dirty simian bangers have burned down my farm!



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Those rats! Do they even realize how much booze I could have bought with the 100$ it takes me to build a new farm and hire new slaves?!



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Well, since they got me on spending spree, I'll go buy a new happy camp too then. I need to hire new soldiers to replace those cowards I executed for treason.



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And then it's time for payback...



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Here they come again! I knew they couldn't resist the 50% discount on Fidel hats I announced.



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I meet them personally and this time armed with sunglasses, so they can't distract me again. The enemies of the people see my great manhood, understand how meaningless their little lives are and raise the white flag. Victory is mine!

[Hottentot]

Part 4: That Kim guy got nothing on me


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As much as I like shooting hippie scum, I do know that it is only a temporary solution. And I need a more permanent one, for which I already have a plan. Behold, as its first step has finally been completed!



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Next step: introduce brain washing machines to the people of Tropico and make buying one obligatory. I have seen what those little boxes do to Yanquis and have ever since wanted to utilize them myself.



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After the brain washing boxes have been introduced, I personally guarantee that the people will have 24/7 stream of quality programs.



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That's not enough. People also need to hear what I tell them, and they might be distracted when they see my Adonis-like body on TV at the same time. So I utilize the power to build a radio station too. New law introduced: every Tropican must chain a transmitter to his or her neck from now on.



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Finally, I have been told that Tropico is a boring place and people want entertainment. So I build a movie theater, where they can go watch films about me.



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The first 20 years have passed and everything looks peachy. I quite literally am the state.



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Well, I suppose I deserved this right after saying that. Smurf's law or whatever it's called.



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I suppose with the odds of 23 soldiers against three pineapple throwers they didn't stand much chance. Stupid fools! Instead of going to live in palm trees, they could have attended my school and learned some basic math!



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Apparently I also need to put more stress on grammar education, as some guys with funny helmets have completely forgotten the language of Tropico and are speaking a completely new one. What kind of nonsense pidgin has words like "civil liberties"?



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After the miners have been replaced with linguistically more talented ones, I get on the education reformation right away. These Tropicans had too much free time after their 16 hour work day anyway.



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On the international front, some hippie organisation has sent me a letter telling my subjects are dying of starvation. Nonsense! I only need to look out of the window to see that there is still plenty of grass for everyone!



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However, as they offered some free stuff, who am I to complain. I let them put their camp to the other end of the island. That way those unemployed bums who have time to go there in the first place need to walk a long way and have less time for making noises on my backyard.



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Ah, peace at last! After the last noise maker has left to get his free papayas, I finally have time to concentrate on manifesting my literary genius.

Now how should I begin? "It was a dark and stormy night"? No, too original for the dumb masses.

Hmm: "already the ancient Romans"? Bah, history, who is interested in the old things?!

I think I'll start humbly and have a climax at the end. Ahem: "In the beginning I created the Heaven and the Earth..."



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What?! Who disturbs my creative moment?! Whatever, shoot them!



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Yes! The book is ready, and to celebrate I declare the publishing day from now on to be the official "El Presidente Is Awesome" -day!



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No holiday is holiday without a proper fireworks! I like fireworks! I'm sure the people would too, if I hadn't told them to celebrate by chaining themselves to the production machines.



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Hmm, yes, the fireworks is nice, but I think something is still missing. Something with a little more "Oomph" in it.



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Now this is what I call fireworks!



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See? See?! The first 25 years have already passed! When I came to power, I promised Tropico a radiant future and I have delivered!

[Dive! Dive! Dive!]

This is amazing. As a fellow tropical island dictator I know how it feels.

[Hottentot]

Part 5: Power equals...more power apparently?


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After wild partying, the cleaning slaves from the tree hugger faction complain to me they can't get that glowing waste moved without turning into mutant freaks and instead propose we declare those places dedicated garbage dumb. I ignore them: if they are supporting the hippies, it means their brains have already mutation flaw and a few additional fingers won't hurt.


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Besides, there is a lot more important waste to worry about! This whole island is filthy with that black goo! Luckily my American friends are taking care of it for me.


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Some morons got drunk at the party again and propose we play their favorite game again. I don't like the idea. One time was enough already, so I ignore these guys too.


http://img814.imageshack.us/img814/5141/104gl.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/814/104gl.jpg/)
Besides, there are more important projects calling for my attention than simple games. In fact, this project here might be the most important construction project yet for Tropico and the island is simply meaningless without it. Sure, it was expensive, but I just can't fathom, how my people would live without such basic necessity of life.


http://img853.imageshack.us/img853/9199/105lvk.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/853/105lvk.jpg/)
Faster, build faster you idiots! Every minute you waste having siesta is a minute some of my dear sla...subjects is in agony of waiting and might not make it! Faster, I say!!


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Yes! Yes! It's almost ready! Faster!!


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Yeeeeehaaaaa! Look at that and weep golden tears, Stalin! Oh, right, you can't because I invested all the loose gold in the world for this 50 meter statue of me in my full 24 carat glory!


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It's quite impressive. Almost as impressive as I am. I would thank the artist personally, but I already ordered him shot because he made my nose too big.


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Just as I have figured how to make this technical wonder to turn so that the sun always shines on my face, some hippies (relatives of that liberal leftist sculptor probably) are again interrupting my radio broadcasts. Bah! I have better things to do! Shoot them too!


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I'm sick and tired of getting notifications of minor nuisances in the middle of nationally important events such as this. Therefore I invest in some guys who have some seriously sun sensitive eyes and kind of clothes that aren't even sold on the island.


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And for myself I arrange a possibility to listen more closely to the phone calls of that señorita next door when she calls her lady friends.


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OK, OK, fun time is over. Time to continue operation "My Little Pony" or whatever I called it. The people are now hearing the truth, but some won't accept it. So I build some adult schools for them to further their education.


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My unusually competent assistant has already compiled a list of all the people who need some help in their studies. Get on with it then!


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Sigh. Looking at that list made me sad. So many dumb people on Tropico. Fortunately there are still some, who are almost as smart as I am.


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Among the wonderful praise they also inform me of a treason in my very own backyard: apparently that cretin Juanito on the radio show has pronounced my name wrong! Outrageous! Do something! Well, one thing in particular!


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As Juanito learns the importance of grammar competence, the guys in black inform me of some silly children planting firecrackers in those American waste disposal facilities. And these kids call themselves friends of environment!


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I would hep the Americans, but I'm busy following the annual cow parade on our main street. On the plus side, the smell of the bovines suddenly started feeling much more bearable after that loud "BOOM".


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Look! The first thirty years are over, and the war against monkeys is truly turning into a spectacular victory for us! I would celebrate my success with my oldest supporters, but for some reason I can't find anyone aged over 25 on this island anymore.

[Hottentot]

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Since old people (including ugly old señoritas, fortunately) seem to have gone extinct, I invest in the youth. It's so nice when a choir of little brats comes singing to me on my birthday about how wonderful I am and how they love to be sewing socks in my factories. You hear the truth from the children's mouth is what I always say!


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Some people, however, are not as smart as the kids. Like these so called adults on my adult schools, who just refuse to learn their lesson. One of them even started growing a tree in her apartment! How does she think it will fit in there after it has grown over 0,5 meters tall?!


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I don't accept dumb people on Tropico, so I decide to send them to the land of their likeminded brethen. Well, the ones that can swim well enough anyway.


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In response the Yanquis sent me a very strongly worded letter with all sort of fluff words like NATO, UN, Amnesty International and whatever. In return I sent them this photo of my newly completed toy. Since they seemed to love the abbreviations so much, I gave them some new ones: "ICBM" and "MAD".


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I also instructed the subjects to build these huge antennas, so I could broadcast the quality programs of Tropico into their little country too. Their people deserve to hear the truth!


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OK, now I've had it! The hippies are not just mumbling in their little weed meets anymore! They are outright saying they don't like me! Don't they know I outlawed not liking me, like, ten years ago already?!


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Yeah, look, there they are. This brings back memories from those early years when they were protesting in front of the pub...


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Except that this time we outnumber them 10 to 1!


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There. I'm not anti-environment at all. I have already said that lead is one of the most important minerals in the world.


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After 35 years all seems to be well. There is only one thing I need to take care of now...

[Hottentot]

Part 6: The Legacy of Genius


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You know, you may not believe it, but I'm thinking of slowing down. The people are bringing me constant flow of money, smokes and booze, so all is well. But lately they have also brought me so much trouble and headache that I have had less and less time for mindless spending, smoking and drinking. I'm getting tired of that. I want more of the former and less of the latter.

So after five years I will let some local muppet continue my work. He will have it easy, seeing everything I have done to this backwater Idiotstan. Now I still wonder: what should I still use these last years for?



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More statues of me is always the right answer.



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I also commission this huge...something. I have no idea what it is, but it's dedicated to me and it was expensive, so it must be good.



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Preparing for retirement, I build myself a modest little home on the shores of Tropico.



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To guarantee steady flow of alcohol, I prohibit my stupid subjects from drinking it themselves.



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Then I obviously need some señoritas in there too, and it's so difficult these days to find those who go both ways when I simply want to watch. I make a new law that makes finding them easier and abducting them in pairs far more convenient.



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And respecting traditional ways, I throw a huge party in honor of me for the honored guests called myself and I.



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After wild partying I'm again a little short on cash. I can't understand how no one anywhere else hasn't come up with it yet, but the solution is simple as breathing: I'll just print some more, of course!

And stop throwing that Adam Smith guy at me, that book doesn't even have pictures!



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Aha! I was expecting this! The monkeys in the previous island were keen on using their hurricane machine too, and now they have imported it here! Heehee, hilarious! I never before quite understood that my house seems to be the only building on this island nailed firmly to the ground! Look at those doghouses fly!



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Seeing people running around like headless chickens in storm gave me a nice idea for what this island totally still needs: a huge arena, were they can fight to death for my amusement! Build it!

[Hottentot]

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I see my last decision caused some sour faces among the liberal pinkies in the audience. Indeed some of you may have so far thought me a dictator. You may say I'm not genuinely supported by my subjects and all that silly Yanqui talk about libraryty. That couldn't be further from the truth! To celebrate my beginning last year in the office, I will prove you wrong and play the election game!

Now come, I will take you personally to talk with the people and you can see for yourself how much they love me.



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See? I'm supported in the city...



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In the countryside...



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By the señoritas...



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By the po...

WHAT??!! What do you mean you vote for Ada Castro? Who is Ada Castro anyway? That's not my name at all!

This man is clearly a danger to the national security. He needs to join the traffic statistics.



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Oh my Me! Closer inspection reveals that the problem is rooted deeper than I imagined! There are traitors and spies everywhere! My adult schools are getting full!

There is only one solution for this! The safety of the country demands it!



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We must eliminate the traitors as a class!



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Bandits and saboteurs! That one had a Yanqui watch!



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And these ones spelled my name wrong. "But we can't even write"?! What kind of excuse is that?! Decadent and counterrevolutionary monkey talk, I say! Words used by enemies of the people!



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Remember, children, not voting El Presidente is very, very wrong.



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Ha! The class war has ended and we have emerged victorious! Take that, Lenin!



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OK, time for games and fun are over. My term is at the end. Therefore my last act as El Presidente: sell the whole island, its people and production facilities to the Yanquis and become filthy rich in process.

Hee hee hehehee! You bought it, didn't you! You thought I'd really give all the fruits of my hard labor to those idiot Tropicans? Imagine the look on their faces! And to think they too believed I would hand it all over to them! Them! Bwahahahaa, don't make me laugh! Money talks, poor man walks, I drive my SUV in the future too.

Huh? What's that noise? Why am I always interrupted in the middle of a monologue?



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Where did those guys come from?! And more importantly, where did they get guns from?!

Stop them, you fools! Do something! Where is my army?!



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With them, apparently...



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Well, I don't need them anyway! I know my military tactics! This one is what the Yanquis named "strategic retreat" in Vietnam!



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Sigh. Poor Tropicans. Doomed to live without me. Oh well. That island was getting depleted anyway. With any luck, this balloon will take me to another one, hopefully with a little bit smarter people. And if it won't at least there is loads of rum in here.

Cheers!
THE END (UNTIL PEPE RUNS OUT OF BOOZE, THAT IS)

[Oberon]

Awesome as always HT :rock: And hilarious to boot :yeah: