Puns

[AVGWarhawk]

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.



No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



A dog gave birth to puppies near the road, and was cited for littering.



A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.



Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head."



I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



A backward poet writes inverse.



In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.



When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.



Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.




Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron." The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive."



Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.




There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[frau kaleun]

Pffffffft. :O:



Nobody loves a good (bad) pun more than I do, but seriously... I don't have time for this right now. I'm reading this great new physics book. It's all about anti-gravity and I just can't put it down.

[Randomizer]

Just before stumbling into this thread I was discussing that new smoke-house flavoured umbrella drink with my physician friend saying "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

[frau kaleun]

Good one! I was gonna write it down for future reference, but after looking everywhere for a pencil it turned out every one I had was broken off at the tip. It really was a pointless exercise.

[Arlo]

'Calembour cadaver' : Pun thread brought back from the dead.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

[1480]

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

[Madox58]

I'm not afraid of hard work. I could watch it all day long.

[Jimbuna]

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

[vienna]

I was once reading a book in a park in front of a large statue of the Buddah. After a few minutes I had the feeling someone was looking over my shoulder. I turned my head and was startled to see the Buddah had leaned over and was trying to see what I was reading. I turned back to my book and continued reading. There was no need for concern: this was obviously a case of idol curiosity...

[Jimbuna]

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

[Platapus]

A Pun, at maturity is fully groan.

[frau kaleun]

You know, it's really not fair of us to have this thread when Steve is offline. It's like a bunch of other countries getting together and invading France when Germany is away on holiday. :O:

That said, did you hear the one about the fellow who went to see the doctor about a very embarrassing male problem? The doctor gave him a prescription and told him to come back in two weeks. Two weeks later the guy came in for his follow-up dressed in a top hat and tuxedo.

"Well," the doctor said, "you look like you're on the way to a very important engagement with someone special. I take it the pills are working?"

"Nope, they're not doing a thing," the man replied. "But I decided if I had to be impotent, I might as well look impotent."

[Kaye T. Bai]

When scientists die, we Barium.

The KGB needs to move quick, because there's no time for Stalin.

Clitoral jokes are funny, period.

When it is tooth hurty, it is time to visit the dentist.

Tigger looked in the toilet to find Pooh.

An U.S. Army veteran was pepper-sprayed by county deputy sheriffs. He's a seasoned veteran.

Get your depleted batteries, free of charge!

Your wife said my size was average, I said she was being mean.

Osama bin Laden was found in Abottabad, Pakistan? Talk Abottabad place to hide.

[Jimbuna]

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the two ladies who went for a tramp in the woods?

He got away.

[Jimbuna]

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

[AVGWarhawk]

The butcher backed into his meat grinder. He got a little behind in his work.

[Platapus]

What's the difference between an ambassador and a dog in the summer?

An ambassador wears full dress, a dog in the summer, just pants.

[Jimbuna]

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

[Platapus]

Man walks into a Greek tailor shop. Tailor looks at the visitor's pants and says "Euripides?"

Man replies, "Yes, Eumenides?"


<Gryllidae stridulation>

:D

[Platapus]

I remember having to help a friend trim the fur off his little canine companion. It was a moment of shear terrier.

[Jimbuna]

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

[Jimbuna]

I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.

[vienna]

You can't be a nun; you gotta be somethin'...


Tip of the hat to Curly:

Well, she was bred in old Kentuck, but she's just a crumb back here...

[Jimbuna]

I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.

[Kaye T. Bai]

I was reading a book on the Falklands War the other day. What an argy-bargy!

[Jimbuna]

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

[antikristuseke]

Two men walk into a bar, they need stitches now.

[TarJak]

I trained as an executioner, but I just coudn't get the hang of it.

[Jimbuna]

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

[Sailor Steve]

Man walks into a Greek tailor shop. Tailor looks at the visitor's pants and says "Euripides?"

Man replies, "Yes, Eumenides?"


<Gryllidae stridulation>

:D
Incredible! :rotfl2: :rock:

[Jimbuna]

I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.

[Kaye T. Bai]

The aboriginals were here first, because they had reservations.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

[Jimbuna]

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

[Kaye T. Bai]

My amputee friend told me that he wanted to run in the local marathon. I advised him against it, telling him that he didn't have a leg to stand on.

[Kongo Otto]

I'm reading this great new physics book. It's all about anti-gravity and I just can't put it down.

:har::haha::har:

[Jimbuna]

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

[Karle94]

In the last few years, icy roads are the only thing that has knocked me off my feet. I`ve always said that mother nature is my only natural enemy.

[Jimbuna]

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

[Kaye T. Bai]

A group of minors were trapped underground.

[Jimbuna]

There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.

[Kaye T. Bai]

A man has died at the wharf. Police are looking into it; witnesses describe the circumstances of the man's death as "fishy".

[vienna]

A funiture refinisher was found dead recently: he was working on an antique piece and had two containers nearby, one filled with ale and the other with lacquer. He apparently took a big dink out of the wrong container. He had a terrible end but, a great finish...

[Jimbuna]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

[Sailor Steve]

A backward poet writes inverse.

[Jimbuna]

A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"

[Kaye T. Bai]

A man was found smuggling gold through his rectum. His reaction when he was caught as he crapped bricks, was: "Au crap!"

[Jimbuna]

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.