View Full Version : Schwooggie (Balz)
Jul 1941
"Schwooggie."
Balz turned in his bed. "Huh?"
No one answered his question. Balz yawned realizing it was his own voice that woke him. Schwooggie. What in the hell was that? He looked at his watch. Time to get up. Work at the Chateau des Sardines started early. Most U-boats sent in their reports early in the morning before diving. By 0700 the reports were stale info. The duty officer would catch the important stuff, Yet ...
Balz washed his face, shaved. He then put his tea cozy in his briefcase and went out of the officer's barracks.
In the gray of dawn he recognized the admiral taking his morning walk. Balz saluted and said, "Schwooggie."
"What?" The admiral barked.
"Ah, um, ah, gutten Morgen, Herr Admiral." Balz hurried to his office where he could wear his tea cozy and think calmly.
A pile of reports waited at his desk. Balz sat down, took the tea cozy out of his briefcase and said "Schwooggie." Why did he keep saying Schwooggie? He had never said it before. But, the word had a certain ring to it. The warm tea cozy on his head made him feel better, more secure. He could warm up important messages by putting them on his head and putting on the tea cozy on top. "Schwooggie."
Why do I keep saying schwooggie? no one says Schwooggie. Balz smiled, "No, no one. No one has ever said schwooggie. Not Shakespiere, nor Goethe, or Shiller, Bismark, Franz Joseph, Kant, Napoleon, not even Tutankamon. None of them, no one in all of human history has ever said schwooggie. Balz stood to congratulate himself for being the first creature on earth to utter this magnificent word.
The Admiral walked into Balz's office. "What's hot this morning?" the admiral stared at the tea cozy. "And, remove that ridiculous thing from your head."
" I use it to warm up reports, Herr Admiral."
Turning red, the admiral said."Re mo-ve that ttthingg fr om you re hhhh ead."
Bals removed the tea cozy and placed inside his tea cozies drawer. "Did you ever say schwooggie, Herr Admiral?"
"Schwoogie? No, never."
"You just said it."
"Said what?"
"Schwooggie."
"I didnīt say Schwoogie."
"There, you've said it again,"
Doenitz banged his fist on the desk. "Balz, you schwoog yourself to the docks. U-110 needs a new captain.".
Balz ran out of the Chateau, yelling, "Itīs a verb. I invented a verb."
http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gifhttp://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gif
danasan
07-09-11, 04:07 PM
Nice one again, thanks!
Missing Name
07-09-11, 06:12 PM
What is this madness? I thought you said Balz's exploits were over!
...I'm not complaining! :yeah:
Fish In The Water
07-09-11, 08:30 PM
What is this strange thing you speak of called a verb? :D :haha:
Thanks for the read!
frau kaleun
07-09-11, 09:15 PM
Another marvelous beginning, who knows what fantastic hoochie woochies await us now? :yeah: :woot:
Jul 1941
"Schwooggie."
Balz turned in his bed. "Huh?"
No one answered his question. Balz yawned realizing it was his own voice that woke him.
Thank god... for a minute there I thought it was gonna be mine. :oops: :O:
Sailor Steve
07-09-11, 11:34 PM
And we can all breathe a sigh of relief as Balz proves he really is one of a kind. I was afraid Herr Admiral Doenitz would be affected. Infected. Directed.
Thank god... for a minute there I thought it was gonna be mine. :oops: :O:
Tanks for the memories. :sunny:
frau kaleun
07-09-11, 11:39 PM
I was afraid Herr Admiral Doenitz would be affected. Infected. Directed.
Not to mention injected, inspected, neglected and selected. :O:
Sailor Steve
07-09-11, 11:48 PM
Not to mention injected, inspected, neglected and selected. :O:
Tank you, Mrs Zimmerman. All I really want to do is say :O: yourself.
If anyone is interested in a present day Schwooggie outside this den of murderous sumbie commanders:
http://www.useless-knowledge.com/1234/11june/article011.html (http://www.useless-knowledge.com/1234/11june/article011.html)
Sailor Steve
07-11-11, 01:24 AM
What I'd like to know is, who is this Alexey Braguine and why is he stealing your material?
Another thing I'd like to know is, who am I and why am I reading it?
Jimbuna
07-11-11, 10:18 AM
"Schwooggie" eh? :hmmm:
Went straight over Mrs. Bunas head but the female offspring said "That word sounds cool" :DL
Herr-Berbunch
07-11-11, 10:32 AM
What I'd like to know is, who is this Alexey Braguine and why is he stealing your material?
Moreover, does this mean that Balz survives the war and has a son, or grandson, called Frank? :o
Take the ran out of Frank and you're left with the letters F, and K. :yep:
Who do we know with the initials F, and K? :doh:
That's right, Frau Kaluen. :smug:
Is this some subliminal writing to imply that Balz and FK go on to have children? :hmmm:
Who knows?
Hurry up with the next part, Brag!
danasan
07-11-11, 01:29 PM
Moreover, does this mean that Balz survives the war and has a son, or grandson, called Frank? :o
Take the ran out of Frank and you're left with the letters F, and K. :yep:
Who do we know with the initials F, and K? :doh:
That's right, Frau Kaluen. :smug:
Is this some subliminal writing to imply that Balz and FK go on to have children? :hmmm:
Who knows?
Hurry up with the next part, Brag!
They both have been to Casablanca, playing the piano. What do you think, they have done there? Holding hands? :O:
Jimbuna
07-11-11, 02:42 PM
They both have been to Casablanca, playing the piano. What do you think, they have done there? Holding hands? :O:
Tinkling more on the ovaries than on the ivories one suspects :hmmm:
frau kaleun
07-11-11, 02:54 PM
Tinkling more on the ovaries than on the ivories one suspects :hmmm:
Hey now wait a minute, I'm not into the kinky stuff. :stare: :O:
Do not worry, we know all that stuff about your goats :O:
And Brag, good work :DL
Jimbuna
07-11-11, 03:22 PM
Hey now wait a minute, I'm not into the kinky stuff. :stare: :O:
Maybe not but Balz sure is :DL
Maybe not but Balz sure is :DL
Look who is talking. "Camels, fresh camels" :D
frau kaleun
07-11-11, 07:39 PM
Look who is talking. "Camels, fresh camels" :D
If what you're saying is true, I think we can get him for false advertising... because those camels are definitely no longer "fresh." :O:
If what you're saying is true, I think we can get him for false advertising... because those camels are definitely no longer "fresh." :O:
This seems like a thickening subplot. Does sub stands for sumbarine? Or a sub camel. Seems like a great polemical debatahoochie coming up
Sailor Steve
07-11-11, 10:18 PM
This seems like a thickening subplot. Does sub stands for sumbarine? Or a sub camel. Seems like a great polemical debatahoochie coming up
Subposedly "sub" means under, which puts the subplot under the plot. But you knew that. What you're trying to uncover is that "submarine" means underwater, which means that a subplot is usually all wet. "Bumbarine" can also be a sandwich, which is appropriate since the subplot is usually squeezed in between the bread-and-butter plot and is often tastier.
And, like myself, it sometimes takes a wrong turn.
Jimbuna
07-12-11, 03:38 AM
Look who is talking. "Camels, fresh camels" :D
http://img269.imageshack.us/img269/5558/camelnanerxt1.gif http://img269.imageshack.us/img269/5558/camelnanerxt1.gif http://img269.imageshack.us/img269/5558/camelnanerxt1.gif
desirableroasted
07-12-11, 09:29 AM
Do you know why I keep my crew out on 75-day patrols? So they won't be corrupted by you lot!
Sailor Steve
07-12-11, 01:27 PM
Do you know why I keep my crew out on 75-day patrols? So they won't be corrupted by you lot!
And here I was thinking it was because you're an arrogant Teutonic sadist who enjoys watching them suffer.
Silly me. :O:
Do you know why I keep my crew out on 75-day patrols? So they won't be corrupted by you lot!
After a 75 day patrol camels will look good :D
frau kaleun
07-12-11, 08:11 PM
After a 75 day patrol camels will look good :D
After a 75 day patrol, so will the camel dealer. :haha: :O:
Only numbers could tell you that this was the same place, numbers extracted from boring tables. Additions, subtractions, the calculations then converted into lines on a chart. Balz tapped his finger on the plotting sheet where the seven LOPs intersected like a cart wheel which represented a margin of error of two hundred meters. "Are you absolutely sure?" he asked.
"Jawhol, Herr Kaleun, in ten minutes," Lt. Norder answered pointing at The little cross Balz had plotted the day before.
"Danke," Balz took a cigar and climbed on the bridge. It was already completely dark. The earlier Prussian blue of the ocean converted into a softly heaving mass of ink. Norder stood next to him with a chronometer ticking. Balz sniffed the warm air and wished he could hear the noise of airplanes above the rumble of the diesels.
"It's time, Herr Kaleun," Norder said above a whisper,
From his pocket, Balz removed a sprig of parsley, tossed it overboard and saluted the grave of U-123.
The movement of the water was quite different from the night U-123 died. That faithful boat went down on a perfectly calm night where you could almost hear the buzz ofAfrican mosquitoes. An illusion. They didnīt hear the Catalina 'til it was nearly on top.
Balz wished it was daytime and he could see the cobalt blue of the ocean as if he could identify the grave in the ever changing ocean. From second to second the eternal sea changed in color, hue and shape.
How ironic that BDU had sent him to the same place his old command sank. Maybe it was not ironic but a joke in bad taste.
Balz lit the cigar with his eyes closed. The red cigar tip did not ruin oneīs night vision. But, the way that Catalina had found him almost a year ago told him there was something more than good night vision involved.
Anyway, smoking a cigar out in the fresh air was something to die for. With satisfaction, he noticed his shirt was beginning to dry and cool his body..
danasan
07-18-11, 07:05 PM
"Schwooggie, fresh Schwooggie" :D
One hour later, refreshed from his time on the bridge, which made him feel like a sailor. Balz went below. "Any schwogogie?" he asked the sound man who stood in the Zentralle picking his nose.
"No sound schwooggie while on the surface, Herr Kaleun.."
Hearing the word schwooggie made him feel better. It was a confirmation of his great intellect. Balz stuck his head into the radio shack. "Any schwooggie from the spies in Freetown?"
"No schwooggie from anywhere," answered the Funker.
"No, schwoogie here, no schwoogie there, no schwoogie anywhere." Balz scratched his head." This was too depressing and it was too hot to wear his yellow duckie tea cozy, which always lifted his spirits.
That was when he had his great idea.
"Bernaaaard," he bellowed. The men in the forward quarters repeated the call,
Bernard fell off his bunk, got up, tripped on someone's shoes, fell again. He picked himself up and crashed into the cook who had just placed a tourine with Ayyayyay soup on the officer's table. Out of breath, he reached Balz.
"Bernard," Balz said, "I have an important and delicate job for you. You will take my penguin tea cozy and go on deck. With a boat hook you will dunk the tea cozy in the ocean water."
"On which ocean, Herr Kaleun?"
"The Atlantic, you idiot."
"I wanted to make sure I was right ocean dipping."
"There is no left ocean dipping, you majestic imbecile," Balz smiled, he loved inventing insults to Bernard. After youīve done with the dipping, you bring the wet penguin cozy to me so that I can solemnly wear it while eating Ay yay yay soup. Alles klaar?"
"Jawhol, Herr Kaleun."
Five minutes later, Balz wondered what was delaying Bernard.
The alarm bell rang.
http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gifhttp://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gif
This gripping war drama will continue on your screen shortly.
Jimbuna
07-22-11, 03:19 PM
LOL :DL
danasan
07-23-11, 07:09 AM
So we better stay tuned...:salute:
VONHARRIS
07-23-11, 12:46 PM
I can hardly wait for the next episode! :salute:
"Alaaarm!"
Balz stood aside while the bridge watch avalanched down the ladder.
The hatch slammed shut.
"Where is Bernard?" Balz asked, fearing the worst.
"Bernard?" Lt. Hansen asked in return.
"Belay the dive, belay the dive," Balz scrambled up the ladder.
"Blow ballast," The LI bellowed, his powerful voice louder than the clanking, banging and yelling going on along the vessel.
Balz whirled the dogging wheel, opened the hatch and sprung onto the bridge. "Bernaaard,"
"Yes, Herr Kaleun?" Bernardīs squeaky voice came from the deck behind the conning tower.
"Where are youuuu?"
"Iīm hiding."
"Who are you hiding from?"
"The two destroyers coming our way."
Balz's heart skipped a beat. He took a deep breath and peered into where stars and inky blackness met. "Where are they?"
"The destroyer up front is ahead of the destroyer behind, the second destroyer is behind the destroyer ahead of him, which is leading ahead of the one behind.."
"You glorious imbecile, where is my penguin tea cozy?" Balzīs gaze settled on phosphorescence on a bearing of 350. Clearly, it was the bow wave of a ship moving fast. With all the Atlantic space to roam, the ships had to be heading straight for him. How come merchants didn.t do that?" The universal principles of Sodīs Law were grievously stacked against honest sailors trying to sink ships or having a cool tea cozy to wear. "Bernaard, give me my tea cozy and then, I invite you to go inside this submergible hole in the water where you can nicely hide from destroyers."
Like a chain dragged by a village idiot down the main street, a shell rumbled overhead.
http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gifhttp://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gif
More thrilling suspense on your screen shortly
:DL I need something strong, to relieve the tension in the dissolution.
frau kaleun
07-30-11, 12:34 PM
I'm on pins and needles!
It's very uncomfortable, by the way. Write more soon! :D
Jimbuna
07-30-11, 12:39 PM
I'm on pins and needles!
Better than being on the bridge :O:
Sailor Steve
07-30-11, 03:15 PM
Bernard. He's going to get us all killed. And I don't just mean Balz's crew, I mean every subsimmer. :dead:
desirableroasted
08-01-11, 12:28 PM
Like a chain dragged by a village idiot down the main street, a shell rumbled overhead.
Priceless
danasan
08-04-11, 05:56 AM
http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/121/87921317.jpg
"The destroyer up front is ahead of the destroyer behind, the second destroyer is behind the destroyer ahead of him, which is leading ahead of the one behind.."
They must have realized it was me they were attacking and decided to clear out of the area, before it was too late, Balz thought half an hour later, wondering why the destroyers did not drop depth charges and just carried on north. Itīs the schwooggie added to the hoochie woochie, he decided. After dinner he took out his sewing kit and got back to embroidering a bunny on his pillow case.
In the morning only the throbbing of the diesels made one aware they were surfaced. The sea was so calm one would have thought they were submerged. Balz dressed in pajama silk trousers and a golden satin smoking jacket. Stuck into a red sash wrapped around his waist was a Malay krys he had from his pirate days.
"Herr Kaleun," Lt. Hansen said as Balz started for the ladder, "The sun is already brutal. Wouldn't you be more comfortable wearing a pith helmet instead of the tea cozy?"
"What? You want me to look like a mushroom? A warrior must present a terrifying appearance, .must instill terror in his victims. Can you imagine anyone trembling with fear from the sight of a mushroom? Proceed with choir practice"
"Zu befelen, Herr Kaleun. Today we will rehearse Glory Glory to Balz."
"Good. We must be well prepared for our victorious return. It is very important to impress Frau Kaleun, the jewel of the Atlantic."
"We will sing louder and twirl faster, Herr Kaleun."
Balz climbed to the bridge pleased that Bernard would be busy polishing torpedoes for the next ten hours.
A flat sea greeted him, there wasnīt even a catīs paw in sight. A flat sea was not a poetic sea unless one liked flat poetry. Nor was it a heroic sea. The Doldrums drove sailors of old to madness. A school of flying fish jumped in front of the bow. They did that to tease sailors. Sometimes they landed on deck and were good breakfast eating. After the war, he would take his submarine on a fishing trip in New York harbor. Frau Kaleun would like that.
Balzīs musing were interrupted.
"Message from Freetown, Herr Kaleun."
http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gifhttp://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gif
Why would anyone in Freetown be sending a message to Balz?
Stay tuned :D
frau kaleun
08-04-11, 04:47 PM
:rock:
Bernard would be busy polishing torpedoes for the next ten hours
Is that what the kids are calling it these days? :O:
Jimbuna
08-04-11, 05:49 PM
:rock:
Originally Posted by Brag http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/smartdark/viewpost.gif (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?p=1720760#post1720760)
Bernard would be busy polishing torpedoes for the next ten hours
Is that what the kids are calling it these days? :O:
Well he'll need to if he wants to impress 'the jewel of the Atlantic' :haha:
frau kaleun
08-04-11, 05:52 PM
Well he'll need to if he wants to impress 'the jewel of the Atlantic' :haha:
I'm not gonna live that one down anytime soon, am I?
*looks around at present company*
Nope, probably not. :O:
Jimbuna
08-04-11, 07:00 PM
NOPE :smug:
Desperately thirsting for a beer, Shaky Parkinson, hurriedly said good bye to his fellow captains, stepped out of Government House and hailed a taxi. The Commodore had droned on and on about signals and various procedures. for the convoy. and had put Shaky to sleep.
For the last two weeks instead of staying aboard the Bella Donna anchored on the bay, he rented a beach cottage at a newly opened beach resort. The place was comfortable and cool, and the service by the forty stewards was exceptional. The Grand Resort Hotel Schwooggie made the waiting in Freetown a pleasant interlude from war.
The owner himself came out to meet the taxi and opened the passenger door. "A million salaams, Captain."
"And salaams to you, Haji Baba Jimbuna."
"Have a nice meeting?"
"Not at all."
"You sound grumpy, Captain how about a pinko?"
"A beer, my friend, a beer."
"Sailing tomorrow?"
"Heh, We donīt talk about such matters."
Haji Baba Jimbuna bowed deeply. "Of course, loose lips and singing ships.. Will you require an early check out in the morning?"
"Yes, six o'clock."
http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gifhttp://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gif
Sailor Steve
08-10-11, 06:32 PM
Ah, the plot thickens even more. Good thing I have a fork and knife. A steak knife.
scottj63
08-11-11, 02:35 AM
After being in Iraq from Jan 2004 till June 2010 I can report that camels are the nastiest animal on the planet, but after a long rotation the little ones and a ladder............... never mind that (laughing)
Scottj63
danasan
08-11-11, 03:02 AM
http://img842.imageshack.us/img842/4351/070423looselipssinkship.jpg
Nice update again, Brag!
Jimbuna
08-11-11, 10:50 AM
Desperately thirsting for a beer, Shaky Parkinson, hurriedly said good bye to his fellow captains, stepped out of Government House and hailed a taxi. The Commodore had droned on and on about signals and various procedures. for the convoy. and had put Shaky to sleep.
For the last two weeks instead of staying aboard the Bella Donna anchored on the bay, he rented a beach cottage at a newly opened beach resort. The place was comfortable and cool, and the service by the forty stewards was exceptional. The Grand Resort Hotel Schwooggie made the waiting in Freetown a pleasant interlude from war.
The owner himself came out to meet the taxi and opened the passenger door. "A million salaams, Captain."
"And salaams to you, Haji Baba Jimbuna."
"Have a nice meeting?"
"Not at all."
"You sound grumpy, Captain how about a pinko?"
"A beer, my friend, a beer."
"Sailing tomorrow?"
"Heh, We donīt talk about such matters."
Haji Baba Jimbuna bowed deeply. "Of course, loose lips and singing ships.. Will you require an early check out in the morning?"
"Yes, six o'clock."
http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gifhttp://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gif
http://img268.imageshack.us/img268/3464/thgenie9hyoj8.gif
Sailor Steve
08-11-11, 12:11 PM
Oooh, that Haji Baba Jimbuna. He's a sneaky one, that one, he is.
Jimbuna
08-11-11, 06:00 PM
Oooh, that Haji Baba Jimbuna. He's a sneaky one, that one, he is.
Quite a compliment...and from one held in such high esteem :sunny:
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2118/2339560895_20e7ebae01.jpg
Sailor Steve
08-11-11, 10:48 PM
What esteem? Zailor Zteve is just a lowly swabbie on The Great Balz's boat. A nameless nobody. A cog in the wheel that is a u-boat's crew. A useless, undervalued and unappreciated grunt who grinds his lifeless life away doing the bidding of those far more lofty than he could ever dream of being. Even Bernard is good for something, but the old sailor? He's not even fit to be one of the untouchables, or one of the unstoppables, or one of the unflappables.
Actually I think he's mentioned as one of the unmentionables. :O:
Jimbuna
08-12-11, 08:10 AM
I loved that film :sunny:
http://www.starstills.com/product_images/w/625/ss3155659_-_photograph_of__the_untouchables_available_in_4_si zes_framed_or_unframed_buy_now_at_starstills__6563 9_zoom.jpg
Sailor Steve
08-12-11, 10:27 AM
I loved that film :sunny:
I would have if it didn't trash the real story so badly.
Herr-Berbunch
08-12-11, 10:32 AM
What esteem? Zailor Zteve is just a lowly swabbie on The Great Balz's boat. A nameless nobody. A cog in the wheel that is a u-boat's crew. A useless, undervalued and unappreciated grunt who grinds his lifeless life away doing the bidding of those far more lofty than he could ever dream of being. Even Bernard is good for something, but the old sailor? He's not even fit to be one of the untouchables, or one of the unstoppables, or one of the unflappables.
At least you get a mention! :stare: Would you rather be the hapless love interest Frau Zteve?
:03:
Sailor Steve
08-12-11, 10:46 AM
At least you get a mention! :stare: Would you rather be the hapless love interest Frau Zteve?
:03:
Only if the attention is from one of the hootchie-wootchie Schwoogie Girls. If Bernard looks at me that way my next mention will be among the lost at sea. :dead:
The funker had yelled, "Nue Funkschproch, Herr Kaleun," one time too many.and Balz sent him to help Bernard polish torpedoes.
After requesting three times for the sender to repeat the message, Zailer Zteve tapped message received on the Morse key. He then busied himself de-schwooggiying it. Once finished, he stood, rolled the message and placed it inside a bottle of Becks and the bottle inside a bucket. With two goose steps he reached Balzīs bunk where the commander was snoring.
Zeiler Zteve banged the bucket with the bottle.
Balz jumped out of his bunk.
"I am not Doenitz," Zeiler Zteve said, "You may remain prostrated in your bunk, Herr Kaleun."
"Thank you," Balz growled. "what is it?"
"Message in a bottle." Zeiler Zteve handed Balz the bottle.
Balz read the message.
To U'351,
From you know who
Large convoy leaving Freetown tomorrow morning, 3 empire munitions ships 4 large cargoz 2 whale ships, no whales seen. some medium cargoz, no wijee boards seen or séances observed.
Please do not kill Captain Shaky Parkinson, he is a good tipper.
"What does it mean good tipper?" Balz asked.
Zeiler Zteve schrugged. "Tipping the scales of war?"
"Wars donīt have scales." Balz answered,"
"But fish do."
"A point to consider."
http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gifhttp://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gif
More high seas adventure on your screen soon, :D
Sailor Steve
08-13-11, 02:11 PM
Oh no! Zailor Zteve has been officially mentioned. He'd better change his unmentionables.
danasan
08-13-11, 02:22 PM
Well, you asked for it. No, you begged for it... :O:
Edit: Be glad that no one tried to fornicate you... :O:
Nice read as always, thank you, Brag!
Sailor Steve
08-13-11, 02:59 PM
Well, you asked for it. No, you begged for it... :O:
No, I merely pointed it out. :D
Jimbuna
08-13-11, 04:06 PM
The 'scales' favour you :O:
"Prepare for action stations," Balz ordered.
The choir assembled in the Zentrale, duty twirlers took position in the living quarters.
"Begin!"
The choir broke into Balz Ist Ein Grosser Held Marsch.
Balz smiled. He liked the chorus lines, "Balz is our hero, he is, he is."
The march over, Balz asked the sound man. "Bearing?"
"New bearing zero eight five, numerous targets."
"Commence plot. Idle hands begin silent dancing, both engines ahead slow together," Seeing that everyone was performing as required, Balz busied himself selecting a suitable tea cozy for this attack. He decided that the duckie cozy was the most appropriate. He would wear the bunny one later, when the convoy was nearly destroyed.
"We are no longer on collision course," Schmenk announced.
"Bearings shifting rapidly toward three six zero," the sound man confirmed.
"Up periscope,"
Through the haze, Balz coud barely see a couple of ships. "Bastards changed cours." He swung the scope to starboard. A Flower Corvette was the only ship he could see clearly. "Target bearing zero five five., relative course zero four five one thousand two hundred., speed five knots. Flood tube one, depth one meter, down scope."
"You are not going to attack a lousy, stupid corvette?" Bernard said.
"Yes, I am."
"Waste a torpedo on eight hundred tons? We could save it and bag ten thousand tons with the same torpedo later. I spent many hours polishing that torp."
"Up scope," The Flower was right where Balz wanted it. "Einz, loss. Dive to fifty meters."
The torpedo wooshed out. Balz sat on the chart box and relaxed. Thirty seconds later an explosion followed by secondary blasts indicated the torpedo found its target.
"Bernard, you fool," Balz said, "That was not a wasted torpedo, it is a strategic investment toward the decimation of this convoy. That corvette went down not only with all hands on board but it also took many depth charges with it. These charges will not bother us. Since we will escort this convoy for a few weeks,that is very hoochie woochie worthy of a Tirpitz like hero such as myself.".
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danasan
08-16-11, 06:14 AM
Will Captain Shaky Parkinson survive this? And why should he? :hmmm: We'd better stay tuned...
Balz caressed his duckie tea cozy waiting for the convoy to move out of sight.
"Sound contact, single ship, slow getting nearer," The sound man reported.
"Vey nice," Balz said.
Half hour later, Balz peered through the scope. "Aha, large British freighter, probably a convoy laggard. Prepare to surface."
"Surface?" Bernard asked. What for?"
"Because my duckie wants fresh air, you idiot."
The U boat broke into the surface of an unruly sea. Balz took a deep breath of air full of spray and blew into the megaphone in his hand. He watched Schmenk install the UZO and waited for the freighter to get closer. "Ahoy, you Englishman. Is Captain Shakey Parkinson in Command?"
BLAM
A shell ripped the air overhead.
"I guess the answer is no," Bernard said.
"Brits are difficult people to communicate with unless you've been properly introduced." Balz raised his glasses and observed tha man standing on the bridge wing. "He is not shaking," he observed.
BLAM
A spout of water rose fifty meters away.
"Donīt you get the message?" Bernard screamed.
"Message? I like my messages served in a bottle."
BLAM
Stay finely tuned for the outcome of this exciting encounter at sea
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Herr-Berbunch
08-24-11, 05:46 PM
I'm tuned, I'm tuned :D
I'm on pins and needles!
And you said you weren't into kinky stuff.... :hmmm:
Wonderful read, Brag. Very good to see Kaleun Balz make the seven seas unsafe yet again!
"Bernard, go below and sit on your hands," Balz growled. He then addressed Schmenk. "Fire when ready, if thatīs Shaky Parkinson, so be it."
"And what about Haji Baba Jimbuna's tips?" Bernard asked.
"I told you to go below, you twit."
"Below what, Herr Kaleun?"
Balz saw a great opportunity. "Below the keel."
Instead of jumping overboard, as Balz hoped, Bernard dove through the hatch.
"Torpedo running, Herr Kaleun," Schmenk announced.
"Very good." Balz prepared to watch the destruction of the enemy ship.
His feeling of satisfaction evaporated when he heard the sound of hammering coming from inside. "Oh poopsendorfer," he said before bellowing into the hatch, "Bernaaaaard!"
Balz's shout was drowned by the torpedo exploding at the end of the freighter's forecastle.
Once Bernard was finishe writing I will never again try to chisel a hole in the hull one thousand times, Balz said, "Now get inside a potato sack and pretend you are a farting spud."
On the bridge spray flew as U-110 crashed against heavy seas, chasing after the convoy. Balz thought this was going to be one of those great patrols. So, far he had sunk two lone merchies. Now he was going to demolish this convoy. He smild thinking about the medals he would get.
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At full speed the U-boat moved ahead of the convoy and the following day at noon it lay in ambush, ready to deliver a deadly blow to the British Empire.
"This is schwooggsie," Bernard said when the soundman announced he had several sound contacts.
"Schwooggsie?" Balz demanded in an indignant tone. "What is that?"
Bernard shuffled his feet. "It is the same thing as schwooggie."
"How dare you say such an abomination? I invented schwooggie." Balz poked his index finger into Bernardīs chest. "And you are perverting the purity of this fine word."
"Schwooggsie is and independent word of schwooggie. It is cuter," Bernard insisted.
"You piece of ocean going submergible moron. We are about to engage in deadly combat against an implacable foe and you, like a pervert say schwooggsie."
Balz turned toward the sound man. "Bearing to the center of convoy?"
"360. Herr Kaleun."
"Schwooggie," Balz said. "where is the lead escort?"
"No contact with warships."
"Mmmm, Strange."
"That's schwooggsie," Bernard said smiling.
"Here we have dozens of ships approaching with their screws singing a song of doom and you, like a depraved pervert, keep repeating that stupid word which I refuse to utter."
"You mean schwooggsie, Herr Kaleun?"
"I refuse to say schwooggsie, you nautical version of a cretin landlubber."
"Ah, you just said it."
"Said what?"
"Schwooggsie."
"Action stations, silent running. And you, Bernard go to the wardroom and write a thousand times, I will not say schwooggsie ever again."
Balz donned his bunny tea cozy and went to the periscope.
There weren't any escorts in sight. "New course 090 we will hoochie with the forward tubes and woochie with stern tubes
Stay tuned for another epic episode of the titanic struggle of the North Atlantic.
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Sailor Steve
09-17-11, 03:22 PM
But Herr Kaleun, the Titanic was versenkt many many years ago.
Jimbuna
09-17-11, 03:43 PM
SINK EM ALL!! http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gif
Perfect positioning, Balz said to himselg as he observed the two strings of ships approaching in the agitated ocean. Truly the work of a grand master of submarineship such as myself. an Empire and a large freighter would get a synchronized death. A medium freighter would follow in a perfectly choreographed attack.
"Choir, stand by to sing praise to your commander. who will shortly bring glory to this U-boat." At 400 meters he could not miss. He only aimed at the Empire who he would hit with tube one, and would immediately follow with tube five without aiming at the heavy freighter who would need exactly the same solution.
"Schwoog einz loss, Schwoog fünf loss."
"Glory, glory to Balz,," the choir sang.
Balz stood on the chart box. "Einz, zwei, Schwoogie, hoochie woochie kaboom."
Two explosions boomed almost simultaneously.
"Where are the escorts?" Balz asked.
"Negative contact with warships," The sound man answered.
Driven by frustration, Balz picked up a wrench and banged on the hull. "Of all the escorts in the world, the two destroyers had to bugger off when the sea is too rough to reload our deck schwoogers."
The moans of sinking ships wailed a song of doom through the water of the Central Atlantic.
"When will we sink the Titanic?" Zeiler Zteve asked.
" Iīll have to ask Dr. Goebels."
Waiting for the weather to improve, Balz ordered a heading of 005. Stalked by the great Captain Balz, and without escorts, the convoy was doomed.
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VONHARRIS
09-25-11, 12:10 AM
Good! Balz is weaking havoc in the Atlantik once more!
Torpedo los!
Hellraiser
09-25-11, 12:52 AM
Reminds of a device used by Jewish shop owners here in the USA back in the 50's & 60's.
This IS NOT DEROGATORY towards Jews nor a joke....I'm serious.
It was called the 'Schw(v)oogie buzzer'
Anyone heard of this before????? :DL
Reminds of a device used by Jewish shop owners here in the USA back in the 50's & 60's.
This IS NOT DEROGATORY towards Jews nor a joke....I'm serious.
It was called the 'Schw(v)oogie buzzer'
Anyone heard of this before????? :DL
What did it do, torpedo customers? :har:
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