The Perfect U-boat Commander

[Brag]

09 September 1941
Lorient, France.

As he marched toward his boat, Capt. Leutnant Schramm was sure his tailor was the best. Fresh out of the cleaners and perfectly pressed, his uniform fit better than Doenitz's.

The grey block of submarine pens hummed with activity. Tractors towed torpedo racks, welders sent flares of sparks. Pipe fitters banged on metal parts. A large diesel motor travelled suspended from an overhead crane.

On reaching Berth #6, Schram stopped and admired U-321. His boat gleamed with fresh paint, there wasn't one microscopic speck of rust on it. Schramm considered the U-boot Waffe as most disgraceful. On going through the hatch it was like leaving the Kriegsmarine and entering a hell hole for outcasts.

Now, that he had his own command, this has changed. He had requested working parties from the Schtraff batallion who had thoroughly cleaned out the bilges. The crew were provided with new matresses, the inside of the ship scrubbed from stem to stern.

Schram smiled. He had the best looking boat in the Navy. After twenty days of hard work, the boat and crew were ready to perform their duty.


Hr went down the gangplank.
The first WO saluted and called the crew, formed on the afterdeck, to attention.

The crew twirled and presented arms.

"What was that?" Schramm demanded, not believing his eyes.

" That was the twirl and present arms, Herr Kaleun."

"There is nothing like that in the Naval Drill Manual!"

"No, but it is very hoochie woochie."

Schramm took a deep breath. He would deal with this twit later.

"Männer," he started.
The crew twirled.
Schramm thought his temples would explode. He looked at his watch to insure he was awake.

To be continued. :D

[frau kaleun]

OMG is this a Balz prequel?!?!?!? :woot:

[Rhodes]

Possibly a spin-off...:hmmm:

[Brag]

This happens after Balz left command of U-321:D

[frau kaleun]

Someone else has been assigned Balz's old 1WO, maybe.

I really thought maybe we were going to see Balz in his pre-commander days, but Brag did say he was done with the character.

At any rate it appears the hoochie woochie is not so easily done away with. :D

[Brag]

Balz before WWII is buried in the back pages of the SH3 forum. (He was a pirate and helped sell Hitler´s postcards in Munich

[Sailor Steve]

But his legacy is still there, and an upright, uptight "proper" captain is going to have to deal with it.

Good luck with that. :dead:

[frau kaleun]

I am eagerly awaiting the moment when the new commander begins his first attack run and turns around from the 'scope momentarily only to find his 1WO standing there grinning from ear to ear and holding out a pink bunny tea cosy. :yep:

[Jimbuna]

Sounds like Balz left Bernard on the boat http://www.psionguild.org/forums/images/smilies/wolfsmilies/wacko.gif

[TarJak]

Sounds like brag is having a clean out.:D

[Gerald]

Spring cleaning is of course a well-known expression :O:

[Herr-Berbunch]

I missed the ending of Balz so I've just revisited - driving a desk in Flensburg :o! At least his tea will be kept warm and, ahem, cosy!

Looking forward to Schramm and his grip on the hoochie-woochie crew :D

[Brag]

The officers sat down for lunch. Every once in a while, Bernard had to get up to let a sailor twirl by.
"Can´t they just walk by like normal people?." Schramm asked.
"it gives them maneuvering elasticity," Lt. Metzler said, "and it loosens vocal cords. You will see that when you hold choir practice."
"Ummm, when I hold choir practice?"
"Yes, Herr Kaleun. Some day we will sing on Broadway."
"Your optimism is most engaging."
Kookie brought a soup tourine covered with a turkey tea cozy.
"How very original," Schramm said.
"Voila le soupe." Kookie removed the cozy with a flourish, tipping the tourine over and spilling soup on Bernard´s lap.
Bernard jumped from his seat yelling, "Ay yay yay yay."
Metzler sang,"Canta y no llores.
The crew spilled out of the forward compartment twirling and singing , "porque cantando, Cielito lindo, se alegran los corazones."
Bernard used the tea cozy to mop up the deck. He then squeezed soup out of it into Schramm's plate.
Schramm chequed his pulse and counted 'til ten.

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2:

Brilliant use of an old classic! :rock:

For those not in the know:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7AWb3eShEo

[Gereke]

Sehr Gut! Das story es muy divertido! Mas! Mas!

Pardon my Spangermish.

[TarJak]

Ole! Ole! Cosas muy divertidas!

:hmmm: could use a play on words there matey.

[Brag]

Steve!
Thankies for placing the the link to the explanatory Utubie :DL

[frau kaleun]

Sadly, for me the words "Ay yay yay yay" sung to that tune are inevitably followed (in my head) by "I am the Frito Bandito..." :haha:

[Sailor Steve]

Whereas I grew up with this English version by the Mills Brothers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yS6AFUDwxCw

Note that the lyrics are not a translation, nor even a transliteration, but a free rewrite that has nothing to do with the original.

[Sailor Steve]

Steve!
Thankies for placing the the link to the explanatory Utubie :DL
Ohthankgoodnessgraciousme! I was afraid I'd be condemned for giving away state secrets.

Or at least trade secrets. :oops::dead:

[Brag]

Whereas I grew up with this English version by the Mills Brothers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yS6AFUDwxCw

Note that the lyrics are not a translation, nor even a transliteration, but a free rewrite that has nothing to do with the original.

Indeed, it didn´t have enough Ay yay yays :haha::haha::haha:

[Sailor Steve]

Indeed, it didn´t have enough Ay yay yays :haha::haha::haha:
<shakes head in disbelief and mutters "Ay yay yay!">

[Brag]

Schramm studied his officers' faces while he opened the envelope. The expressions were of intense attention. Schramm liked that. "Gentlemen, we are heading for DJ 22. That´s off Casablanca. It should be a good hunting ground."
"Yeah, the babes in Ricks' American Bar." Melzer said.
"And Sam on the piano," added Bernard.
"Great hoochie woochie LI Dazeul drummed the table with his fingers.
"Gentlemen, this is a war patrol not a cruise."
"But Casablanca is there," Bernard pointed toward the bow. "Intrigue, romance and adventure, is there for the taking."
"We're not going to even see the lights of Casablanca."
A loud ooh came from the stern crew compartment. "No, Casablanca? the engine room crew chorused.
"We could do a gig at Rick´s Bar," Melzer said in his rich baritone.
Oh, Casablanca, here we come," Bernard hopped up and down.
Schramm stood . In his best command voice, he said, "We are going to DJ 23 to fulfill orders given by BDU. I don´t want to hear another word about Casablanca."

Will Schramm deny the crew of U-321 the pleasures of Casablanca?


To be continued.

[Gargamel]

I smell MUTINY!

[frau kaleun]

Will Schramm deny the crew of U-321 the pleasures of Casablanca?




But... but... everybody comes to Rick's! :cry:

[Brag]

Melzer, the Li, Zeiler Zteve, and Bernard met in the aft torpedoe room.
"I hate to mess up a U-boat commanders plans, Bernard said, "but, we must do something, anything, it´s time to act."
"What can we do?" Melzer said, "The commander said, he doesn´t want to hear another word about it."
Bernard snapped his fingers. "I´ve got it. By jove, I´ve got it."
"What did you get?" Zeiler Zteve asked.
"The key word is hear, like in froo froo." Bernard smiled. "We can´t say anything but we can write."
Zeiler Zteve nodded. "Bernard, as always you are brilliant."

# # #
Balz sat in his Lorient office reading intelligence reports. A shiver ran down his spine when he saw the message signed by Bernard. He quickly drafted an answer and personally took it to the radio room.
He then called his orderly. "Put three tea cozies into my bag and tell Frau Kaleun to get some civvie duds and pack for a trip." Balz twirled. "Germany´s greatest intelligence officer and espionage agent and great double crosser will embark on a journey of intrigue." He left the BDU chateau twirling.

[frau kaleun]

ROAD TRIP! :woot:

This is just gonna be a short trip, right? Cuz I'm only bringing what I really, truly, absolutely need.

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS7R0gnPQ3B9tRWanXF98i1c0VpDaJov OlojDkB8FComhG-8N84UQ

There, all packed and ready to go! :yeah:

[Brag]

Kaleun Schramm read the message from BDU and called the crew to gather in the Zentrale. Once everyone was present, he said in a commanding voice: "Menner, we have been selected to do a delicate and dangerous mission. We will land at the heart of the Allied spy apparatus. I am confident that each one of you will do your duty. Our destination is Casablanca."

The crew twirled and sang We´ll do our Duty Hoochie Woochie.


# # #
In Lorient, the working parties from U-47, U-254, and U-331 finished loading Frau Kaleun´s luggage on board a chartered Airopostale DC-2.
"The tyres look sort of flat," Balz commented.
"Beaucup too much le baggage,"The flight captain said in English.
"Those are my bare necessities and I´m going without my tank. So, you get in le cockpit and fly le avion.
"Want to hear that in Japanese?" Balz added.


The adventure over dangerous water will continue.

[Brag]

Meanwhile in Casablanca:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AY62QByUYJQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AY62QByUYJQ)

The gathering storm is gathering Haji Baba Jimbuna
Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves
Zailer Zteve
Bernard
The Belly Dancers
Frau Kaleun
Johan Sebastian Balz
Twirlers
Voices of the Deep Choir

Will Casablance ever be the same??

Stay tuned for the next installment of this magna production :D

[frau kaleun]

Haji Baba Jimbuna
Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves
Zailer Zteve
Bernard
The Belly Dancers
Frau Kaleun
Johan Sebastian Balz
Twirlers
Voices of the Deep Choir


...and vultures, vultures everywhere! :woot:

[Sailor Steve]

Louis will keep 'em in line. And if that doesn't work, he'll round up three times the usual suspects!

[Missing Name]

I somehow missed this thread. HOW?

[Jimbuna]

I somehow missed this thread. HOW?

Blasphemy!!

[Gerald]

Blasphemy!! Behave yourself now, :DL

[Jimbuna]

Always try to

http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/6356/av129190fjwl3.gif

[Gerald]

Always try to

http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/6356/av129190fjwl3.gif A man in your position, I understand that it is difficult :doh:

[Sailor Steve]

I somehow missed this thread. HOW?
How many other Balz threads have you missed? Of course you can't know what you haven't seen, but there are many dozens awaiting your perusal.

[Missing Name]

I've read a bunch of the old stories. I think I first started reading at "Romance on Shore Leave." I've read all of the Balz stories up to his retirement.

My question is: Will Schramm whip the crew up into shape, or will he be taken up by the curse of the hoochie woochie first?

[Brag]

The vultures had already settled for the night. They sat on derricks, on the masts of ships on top of warehouses. They had even displaced the sea gulls who normally lined up the breakwater.

"There are vultures everywhere," Haji Baba Jimbuna remarked as he watched the sleek shadow of U-321 slide into the harbor.
"A harbinger of doom," Ali Baba grumbled. "There are more vultures here than in a Zoroastrian City of the Dead."

U-321 made fast to Dock 13. Spread from a raised periscope to a bow stanchion a sign read: Whale watching trips. The crew filed out of the U-boat and Haji Baba Jimbuna gave each man a fez.

The crew quickly fell into formation and goose stepped toward Rick´s Bar Americaine. To reinforce their cover of Egyptian sailors theu sang the march from Aida.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3w4I-KElxQ&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3w4I-KElxQ&feature=related)
# # #

Inside Rick's the cigarette girl ambled among the clients, hawking her wares. "Passports, fresh passports."
Zailer Zteve placed his glass of grenadine on the bar. "Miss, I would like a Utah passport.
Confusion clouded the girl´s face. "Do battle ships issue passports?"
"It's a state."
"Ah, a state. Are you in a state?"
"I am not in a state, I am in Casablanca."
"Tonight we have a special on German passports, freshly stolen by the Forty Thieves."
"I haff a German pazport." Zailer Zteve reached into his pocket, felt for his passport--It was gone.


More intrigue coming soon, stay alert and tuned in. :salute:

[Jimbuna]

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs063.snc4/34489_106015756116729_100001249160483_50122_609417 8_n.jpg

[Brag]

Frau Kaleun entered Rick's and approached the piano. "Hello Sam-" she smiled.
Sam stopped aimlessly plunking the keys and sighed. "Hello Frau K, a lot of time has gone by."
Frau K sighed. "Yes, and I brought all my baggage with me.
Sam sighed, "One accumulates a lot of baggage as time goes by."
Frau K sighed. "Play that song, Sam."
"What song?"
Frau K sighed. "As Time Goes By, have you forgot the song?"
"As time goes by one forgets a lot of songs." Sam sighed.

Rick watched the bar fill up, it looked like a profitable night coming up. A mob of sailors wearing Fezzes marched in.
"With all the gin joints in the world these German louts have to march into here. And I was preparing to do some serious sighing."
"Passports, fresh passports."
"Not tonight, darling," Rick shook his head.
The cigarette girl drifted off pouting.
Rick watched. Louis Le Flic in an impeccable white boozing uniform enter the club. "Of all the gin joints in this world Louis has to follow his usual suspects here," he said to the barman.
The barman sniffed the air. "I smell trouble."


The plot thickens shortly, stay tuned :cool:

[Herr-Berbunch]

Frau Kaleun entered Rick's and approached the piano. "Hello Sam-" she smiled.
Sam stopped aimlessly plunking the keys and sighed. "Hello Frau K, a lot of time has gone by."
Frau K sighed. "Yes, and I brought all my baggage with me.
Sam sighed, "One accumulates a lot of baggage as time goes by."
Frau K sighed. "Play that song, Sam."
"What song?"
Frau K sighed. "As Time Goes By, have you forgot the song?"
"As time goes by one forgets a lot of songs." Sam sighed.

Rick watched the bar fill up, it looked like a profitable night coming up. A mob of sailors wearing Fezzes marched in.
"With all the gin joints in the world these German louts have to march into here. And I was preparing to do some serious sighing."
"Passports, fresh passports."
"Not tonight, darling," Rick shook his head.
The cigarette girl drifted off pouting.
Rick watched. Louis Le Flic in an impeccable white boozing uniform enter the club. "Of all the gin joints in this world Louis has to follow his usual suspects here," he said to the barman.
The barman sniffed the air. "I smell trouble."


The plot thickens shortly, stay tuned :cool:

I'm tuned, I'm tuned :hmmm:

[Rhodes]

I can ear Rick saying all that with a H. Bogart accent! :yeah:

[VONHARRIS]

I have a question : Who is leading the team that went ashore : Kaleun Schramm or Bernard himself?

Imagine that : A bunch of tall white men dressed in grey leather suits each one with a fez on his head goosewalking in hoochie woochie formation! :D:up:

[Brag]

A man wearing a burgundy smoking jacket, a chestfull of medals and something strange on his head paused by the front door. Rick rushed toward him. "Hey Mister, proper attire is required in my joint. Get out!
"Out? Out?
"Yes, out, Come back when properly attired."
The man took Rick by the lapels. "I am wearing a smoking jacket and you are wearing le smoking thinking it is the New York tuxedo and I wear the greatest collection of bazaar medals and an impeccably white chicken boozing tea cozy.
Sam came over. "Rick, that´s Captain Balz. The king of the U-boats booming and kabooming Limies on the Atlantic."
"Ah," Rick said. and turned toward the orchestra. "Play that Boom song and tell Charlie to sing."
He then shook hands with Balz. "Welcome, of all the gin joints in the world you had to come to this one."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0KWyWwVp0E&NR=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0KWyWwVp0E&NR=1)

[Brag]

Lt. Schramm sat at the bar. He had politely declined to purchase a passport three times. Hi sipped a martini cocktail and watched his crew deployed around Rick´s joint. Bernard had told him that the two gentlemen wearing bowler hats were British spies.

He was surprised to see the flotilla´s intelligence officer walk in disguised as a clown. No one would believe that he was a German naval officer. Frau Kaleun was still talking with Sam, something about time going by.

After being greeted by Sam, Balz came up to the bar, "Hello, Schramm."
"Fancy meeting you here," Schramm said. "Most unexpected."
Balz pointed at the two Brits. "Those are spies, we need to intercept their conversations."
"How do we do that?"
"We use the froo froo." Balz put his hand around his ear. Fuchs, the hydrophone operator came running over. "Get the froo froo," Balz instructed.
As the man ran out of Ricks', Balz asked. "How´s it going with your new command?"
"I've had some difficulties. The crew I have is a bit peculiar, With patience I´ll whip them into shape."
"Peculiar? Balz asked.
Schramm glanced at the chicken tea cozy Balz wore. "They twirl, see?" He pointed at some sailors twirling.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJIofU-0jC0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJIofU-0jC0)



Will the froo froo uncover and intercept British communications? Stay alert more stuff coming soon on a screen near you. :D

[Sailor Steve]

Yes, be alert. The world needs all the lerts it can get.

[Brag]

"Passports, fresh passports," The cidarette girl drifted past.
Fuchs returned with a long trumpet-like brass pipe.
"The Froo froo," Balz smiled enigmatically, took the froo froo and sat a a table near the British spies. He placed the trumpet end on the back of the chair of one of the spies the other end against his ear.
"Do you have a license?" Spy one asked Spy two."
What kind of license?" Spy two whispered back.
"License to kill."
"No, Do you?"
"No. but double oh three does."
"That doesn´t help, he is in Berlin."
Spy One snapped his fingers.
"Passports, fresh passports."
"I say, lass. Do you sell licenses?"
"No, but we have cigarettes. Gulois, HB Chesterfields, Cabañas, Tri Bogotiria."
"Are you Russian?" Asked Spy One.
"No, I take it easy," answered the girl.
We need a license to kill, urgently," said Spy Two. We´ll pay in pounds sterling by the kilo."
"You´ll have to wait ti'll after the usual suspects round up. Who do you need to kill?"
"We need to kill Balz. But, don´t tell anyone."
"Passports, fresh passports." The cigarette girl approached Balz. "They want to kill you," She whispered.
"Why tell me, you´re a French underground agent."
"So I can say something different from Passports, fresh passports."


As the plot thickens, we leave you till the next episode.:D

[Sailor Steve]

The plot is getting so thick we can only read it with a fork.

[Jimbuna]

LOL

http://imgcash4.imageshack.us/img144/958/stirringpot21ar5.gif

[Gerald]

Wonder what the next move is ... may be subject to national security....:hmm2:

[Jimbuna]

I'm not telling becuase you'll likely be right behind me :o

[Gerald]

I'm not telling becuase you'll likely be right behind me :o :DL

[Jimbuna]

See!!...I was right!! :o

[frau kaleun]

"So I can say something different from Passports, fresh passports."


Any chance you'll be working Passepartout into these shenanigans?

http://www.wearysloth.com/Gallery/ActorsC/2631-885.gif

[Brag]

Any chance you'll be working Passepartout into these shenanigans?

http://www.wearysloth.com/Gallery/ActorsC/2631-885.gif

Ummm, Passepartout also known as Cantinflas would be a grand addition to the stellar cast of this thread. Maybe we can have him sing Ay yay yai?.

[Brag]

"Oh. oh," Balz said, "I need a packet of Senior Service cigarettes."
"No passports?" The girl shook her head.
"Just the fags. Do I sound British?"
"Yes. Very British. Would you like a British passport.?"
" No, I must act quickly before I get dragged into this thick nefarious plot."
"That´s very hoochie woochie," the girl said.
Balz stood and lit a Senior Service cigarette and exchanged his tea cozy for a bowler hat. "To da loo, my dear."
The cigarette girl pointed to the back of the bar. "Loos are that way, Sir."
Balz started moving toward the British spies.
Bernard approached. "Gut iffninkz Herr ex Kaleun. Can I be of assistance?"
"My dear boy, what a providential appearance. Place yourself near those British spies. When I approach them, you say: Oh no, not another British spy."
"Oh no, not another British spy."
"No, you say it when I approach the British spies."
"When you approach the British spies?"
"Yes, you say: Oh no, not another British spy."
"Oh no, not another British spy."
"No, you say it later and not before I approach the British spies."
"How much later do I say, oh no, not another British spy?"
" Go over there. Stand by the table where the French policeman in the white tunic sits. when I approach the British spies, you say your line." Balz pushed Bernard forward.
Once Bernard was in position, casually, Balz ambled toward the British table. "I say, old chaps goot iffninckz."
"Your line," Bernard said.
Fury engulfed Balz, blood boiled and raged. His body shook like a ship's mast in a typhoon. His hands rose with murderous intent. Then the icy calm of a U-boat commander enveloped him like the cape of a Teutonic knight. Balz gave the Britsh spies his enigmatic smile.



Next installment: License to Kill :|\\

[Osmium Steele]

"Your line," Bernard said.

The bill, for cleaning Diet Pepsi off my monitor, is in the mail. :har:

[frau kaleun]

:rock:

I like this new espionage Balz.

In other news, it looks like Bernard will be a good candidate to work in the anti-Hitler conspiracy movement in a couple years, seeing as how he probably took the loyalty oath as "Your Name Here."

[Osmium Steele]

"Repeat after me. I, state your name."

"I, state your name."

"Do hereby pledge allegiance to the frat."

"Do hereby pledge allegiance to the frat."

"With liberty and fraternity for all."

"Amen"

[Jimbuna]

"I need a packet of Senior Service cigarettes."


Now that ent memories definitely brings back adolescent memories :hmmm:

http://www.historyworld.co.uk/content/senior.jpg

[Brag]

"A Jolly goot iffninkz, chaps," Balz addressed the British spies, "Shall we make a threesome against this nest of Jerry spies?"
British Spy One nodded thoughtfully. "Your Eton accent is slightly off, old boy."
"I´ve eaten earlier without an accident," Balz replied, "But I´ll join you for some fish and chips and a pint of bitter."
"They don't have fish and chips in this God forsaken boozer," Spy Two said. Then the two British spies began whispering into each other's ears.
Balz turned to Bernard. "Tell the froo froo man to signal what he hears." With aprehention, he watched Bernard follow his orders.
The froo froo man nodded and got out his signal flags and began transmitting.
A R E Y O U S U R E W E W A N T T O K I L L T H I S I D I O T
W E S T I L L D O N T H A V E A L I C E N C E B U T L E T S K I L L H I M A N Y W A Y.
HaJi Baba Jimbuna entered Rick's with a camel in tow. "Camels, fresh camels."
"What are you doing here?" Balz asked.
"I brought you an escape camel."
"But you are hawking him,"
"No, I´m disguising him as a cigarette. "

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMOBdQykKQY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMOBdQykKQY)

Will the British spies succeed in their intencions?
Can Balz escape riding a cigarette?
Don´t miss the next exciting instalment--Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

[danasan]

Hi Brag,

I'm glad to find Balz still in good condition.

It took me some time to read all the Balz stuff. Now I claim to feel pretty well informed - and infected. I can't play any SH3 GWX without thinking of

"Einz, zwei, hoochie woochie" "kaboom" or tea cozies any more.

Well done!

My all time favorite sentence:

---8220;I landed to fornicate with the chicken tea cozy.---8221; from Balz of Arabia

[Brag]

My all time favorite sentence:[/SIZE]

“I landed to fornicate with the chicken tea cozy.” from Balz of Arabia






Thanks for reminding me about Birdnard! He hasn´t appeared for some time. :D

[Brag]

I can't smoke a camel," Balz said.
Haji Baba Jimbuna shrugged. "This is a lucky camel."
"Only Americans smoke Luckys."
Haji Baba Jimbuna clutched his head. "You are stupider than that bird that flies around you."
Balz smiled remembering the loyal albatross who liked warm climates. "How is Birdnard?"
"You ask the worst questions at the worst time. Your life is in danger. The Brits will soon get a license to kill."
"You, of all the gin joints in the world, you had to bring a camel in here." Rick came over straightening his dinner jacket.
Haji Baba Jimbuna salaamed Rick "I would have arrived on my magic carpet if it wasn´t in the carpet shop for a change of threads."
I wish I had more lines to speak. Rick thought.
Haji Baba Jimbuna turned toward Balz. "Get on the camel and sneak out of the back door."
" Must say good bye to Frau Kaleun," Balz said, worrying what would happen to her in the clutches of Rick the American. He handed Haji Baba Jimbuna the reins. "I need to dress the part."
"Oh well. Dress the part or part the dress. But hurry!"
(The following clip includes the action in London at His Majesty´s Secret Service HQ and preparations to send 003 on his nefarious mission)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acqEGD4rdJk&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acqEGD4rdJk&feature=related)


Disguized as The Red Shadow, Balz mounts the camel and heads for the rear exit.

[frau kaleun]

worrying what would happen to her in the clutches of Rick the American

I am intrigued by this subplot, and would like to subscribe to its newsletter.

[Sailor Steve]

Poor Rick.

[Jimbuna]

http://www.gifs-paradise.com/animated_gifs/camels/animated-gifs-camels-028.gif

[Brag]

Schramm ordered another drink as he watched Balz get on a camel and leave via the kitchen door.

Louis Le Flic clapped his hands. "Time to round up the usual suspects."
A whistle blew in the street. A mob of gendarmes stormed into the club and began herding people out- A wave of alarm coursed through Schramm´s body. The Gendarmes were herding his crew out. "Hey!" he yelled at Louis. "Those are not your usual suspects."
Louis sneered. "They are wearing fezzes. That's pretty usual around here."
"But we need to go whale watching in the morning."
"Our jail has splendid cells with views of the ocean."
Schramm felt at a loss. Nothing like this was covered in the naval academy. He had to find Balz!
"You look in need of a camel," Haji Baba Jimbuna said, as he approached with a camel in tow.
The camel kneeled. Schramm vaulted onto the camel. The camel rose. Schramm crashed into a crystal candelabra.
Rick came running. Of all the gin joints in the world, you had to chose mine to create destruction..
"You´re lucky it wasn't Balz." Haji Baba Jimbuna laughed.
Schramm galloped through the kitchen. The perfect submarine commander must know when to escape. He told himself while plates crashed to the floor and cooks yelled.
Outside, the stars twinkled in a familiar pattern. The airport beacon flashed its green and amber signal- Orion was on the two o'clock position. Schramm knew he was traveling SSE. But, he had no idea which way Balz had gone.
"I wonder where Balz has gone," frustrated, Schramm said out loud.
"It's the hoochie woochie," the camel answered.
Schramm let go of the reins and fell on the gravelly ground.
He shook his head, dusted himself off and cautiously approached the camel who had stopped and kneeled.
"Camel, how come you can talk?
"Einz zwei, hoochie wochie. I am from Camelot."


The crew is in jail
Double oh three is on his way to kill Balz
Frau Kaleun has been unable to get Sam to play As Time Goes By
Talking camels are treacherous
What will happen next?

Stay glued to your screen as this exciting drama unfolds.

[Jimbuna]

LOL :DL

[danasan]

I' ll better stay tuned here.

All these still unanswered questions...

But I am a bit unsatisfied of Frau Kaleun has been unable to get Sam to play "As Time Goes By" :wah: Will there be a happy end on this? Even more questions...

[Jimbuna]

I' ll better stay tuned here.

All these still unanswered questions...

But I am a bit unsatisfied of Frau Kaleun has been unable to get Sam to play "As Time Goes By" :wah: Will there be a happy end on this? Even more questions...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vThuwa5RZU

[danasan]

I played that one, but it isn't the same to me as if Brad had made The Frau say to Sam: " " (kind of wordplay, you know) :hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

What your missing is....it was frau playing the piano :yep:

[Brag]

"A camel from Camelot," Schramm said in wonder.
"Blewlewlewlew, " The camel said in Camelese.
"We need to find Balz."
"Thataway," The Camel pointed his nose east.
Schramm mounted the camel.
The camel remained kneeling.
"Let´s go!" Schramm yelled.
" That'll be fifty francs."
"Ridiculous, how can one pay a camel?"
"I eat fifty frank notes."
Schramm fed a note to the camel. "Let´s go."
The camel did not budge.
"I´ve paid you, you, you cheating moron."
"I´m not cheating." The camel turned his nose to the west. "There he is, standing in the full glory of his heroic posture."
Schramm directed his gaze to the west. Balz stood on a rise silhouetted against the starry sky.
Schramm kicked the camel. Let´s go to Balz."
"OK, now that I have an address, we can go." The camel stood and trotted toward Balz.
"My whole crew is in jail," Schramm said.
"Ummm., we need to rescue them," Balz answered. He then whistled.
Ali Baba and his forty thieves came out of an olive grove.

Half an hour later, they all stood in front of the jail. Ali Baba said. "Now what?"
"We will have a prisoner exchange," Balz answered. "Your guys go into jail and Schramm´s crew comes out."
"You´re crazy!" Ali Baba exclaimed. "We are thieves, not jail birds."
"There is plenty to steal inside. You can start with the jail warden´s watch. There are beds, blankets, recovered loot, striped uniforms, antique torture racks, shoes, lots of keys"
"Are you sure?
Balz patted Ali Baba's shoulder. "Once you're in, you are in."


Will Balz's scheme succeed and the crew of U-321 be liberated?
Don´t miss the next thrilling episode.

[Sailor Steve]

Boooorrriiiiiiiinggg!!!

The camel didn't even asplode!

When's somethin' cool gonna happen?

I hate these old movies!

*WHAP*

Shut up and eat your popcorn! We're just gettin' to the good part.

[danasan]

Thanks for the update, Brag!

[Gerald]

Good Alex,:DL

[Brag]

"Hey, vous la police" Balz yelled.
A door inside the jail creaked eerily. The Hunchback of Notre Dame pressed his face against the bars of a window. "Que est que vous voules?"
"I voules les prisoners inside, ouside."
Quasimodo laughed. "Not outside inside?"
"We do le prisoners exchange outside go inside, inside go outside. Outside we have real thieves."
"Mon Dieux," Quasimodo said, "We have a nice prison. let me see your reservation voucher."
Balz recognized an opportunity when he saw one. Anyone concerned with paperwork could be razzmatazzed. "Le grand Hunchback, how would you like to hear Frau Kaleun play the piano?"
"What will she play?"
"As Time Goes By."
"She does time?" Quasimodo scratched his head.
"No, she does As Time Goes Bye."
"Time goes by when you do time," Quasimodo said.
Schramm cleared his throat. "Time is going by and it is getting late. I want my men out, now! Or I'll blow up your gate and then send the Forty Thieves inside to vandalize the place."
"Bravo, great speech." Balz clapped his hands.
Quasimodo vanished from sight.
Balz heard the ringing of keys and the clacking of an ancient lock.
Quasimodo opened the front gate and hobbled out. "Au revoir, mes amis, I´m going to see Rick explode when Frau Kaleun plays that song."


Will Frau Kaleun play the song?
Will Rick explode?
Will the great prison break in work?
Don´t miss the next exciting episode.

[danasan]

Quote

"What will she play?"
"As Time Goes By."
"She does time?" Quasimodo scratched his head.

/Quote

Nice one, thanks again, Brag

[Brag]

Balz followed Quasimodo while the crew of U-321 marched out of jail.
"The problem you have," said Haji Baba Jimbuna. "Is that Double Oh Three has arrived."
"Bleah," Balz said.
"Spy One and Spy Two stole the froo froo snd are listening for your arrival," Haji Baba Jimbuna continued. "They will also be listening to the song."
"Ha, I´ll stick a sticky stick of of dynamite into the froo froo and blow the spies' ears off."
" They have beat you to it. They have placed a bomb into the piano. When Sam plays the last note of the song, that detonates the bomb."
"Ummm," Balz said. "That could ruin one´s hoochie woochie."
"It´s a hoochie bomboochie,"
"But, we can´t leave without hearing the song."
"We could have Bernard deactivate the bomb."
"No, no, no," Haji Baba Jimbuna said.
In the distance flickered the neon sign over the entrance to Rick´s. Balz wished he was in a submarine so he could torpedo the club. Drawn like by the siren song of a siren serenade, Balz advanced toward to what he knew was his doom.

His musings were interrupted by the flapping of wings. Birdnard settled on his head. "I want to fornicate with your ducky tea cozy," The albatross said.
"You can´t do that," Balz answered as he had a brilliant idea worthy of only a genius like himself.

Next installment: The nail biting climax of this explosive story. :D



.

[Gerald]

I can hardly wait longer for a liberating break-up of adventure, amen :DL

[Jimbuna]

Nice one Alex :salute:

[danasan]

Thanks for the fornication part...

[Brag]

Balz grabbed Birdnard by the neck. "You may keep the tea cozy if you, bzzz,bzzz, bzzz," He whispered to avoid being overheard by the froo froo in British hands.

In the distance the sound of hoochy woochy singing faded as the crew of U-321 prepared to put out to sea. The silence around Rick's was ominous. The only sound was that of the clicking of chips at the blackjack tables. Rick stood watching Sam. As Sam prepared to play the song Frau Kaleun had requested, Rick said. "No one is going to play that stinking song."

Wearing the duckie tea cozy, Birdnard flew in and settled on the piano. "Howdy ya'll, I am Balz, terror of the seven seas. To add emphasis, he plopped a glob on the piano.
"That´s guano on my piano," Rick yelled.
"If you don't like my guano on your piano, lick it off," Birdnard cackled.
Double oh Three approached the piano. "Aha, Balz. So we finally meet and you are caught red handed committing a dirty deed."
Birdnard squaked and flew across the club and through the kitchen door.
Double oh Three stood, his mouth agape.
Haji Baba Jimbuna entered the club with a camel in tow. "Camels, fresh camels." He addressed Double oh Three. "My dear fellow, you seem to be in dire need of a fast camel. This is Bentley cousin of Aston Martin, specializes in chase scenes and has a passenger ejection hump. Guaranteed to catch up with Balz."
Double oh Three dug in his pocket and handed a wad of money to Haji Baba Jimbuna. "Here´s a thousand quid." Double oh Three jumped on the camel and raced through the kitchen door.
Balz walked in through the front door wearing a Mexican sombrero. He was followed by the Forty Thieves carrying violins.
"Now we can hear the song," He said,


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFjX4sE1TUI

Neutralized by Birdnard´s glob the bomb in the piano just fizzled prematurely. Balz said to Frau Kaleun. "It is time to go to the airport, before our airplane turns into a pumpin."
"With all the gin joints in the world, she had to come here and play the song," Rick said to Louis.
"We better go to the airport," The policeman said. The fog is rolling in, great to end a chapter in our lives."
Rick nodded, lit a cigarette and sniffed the damp air. "To say good bye is to die a little. Let´s just stay here and have a drink."


Three days later on board U-321.

"Prepare to surface. Gun crew prepare for action." Schramm comanded.
"You can't do that!" Bernard said loudly. Those gunners will blow us to pieces."
"Blow ballast! And Bernard, be quiet. I know what I'm doing."
The submarine surfaced and the crew went to surface action stations.
After receiving fifteen hits, the crew of the small freighter abandoned ship.
.
Bernard watched the ship sink. "Captain, why didn't you tell us the ship was unarmed?"
"I was checking the discipline of the crew. But most of all, with all the twirling I have endured, I wanted to watch you sh..t"


THE END

[frau kaleun]

http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa231/Gunfingers/kaneClap.gif?t=1257113202

That. Was. AWESOME. :rock:

[Brag]

Bowing, Danke, Danke :D

[Jimbuna]

Bravo :cool::cool::cool:

[danasan]

Thank you very much for this nice reading, Brag!

http://i1222.photobucket.com/albums/dd497/danasan64/Structures/Camel.jpg

"Camels, fresh camels" This is the original building where the action took place...

(space needed for an image to be inserted later)

[Brag]

Thank you very much for this nice reading, Brag!

http://i1222.photobucket.com/albums/dd497/danasan64/Structures/Camel.jpg

"Camels, fresh camels" This is the original building where the action took place...

(space needed for an image to be inserted later) YW, great find, Danasan :D

[danasan]

It is just a few meters away from where I live and I know it for more than 40 ! years. I guess I remember it being in original condition at that time...