How to make a movie that pretentious arty farty types will love

[onelifecrisis]

It's real easy.

1. Buy a camera and go somewhere deserted, like a desert, or a deserted town. Film it. Long, slow, ponderous shots are the best. Ideally nothing should move for minutes at a time - not even the camera. Take a good book to read while your camera records.

2. Pay a couple of actors and film them doing nothing in various places. Walking. Sitting. If you can get them to stare meaningfully at inanimate objects, or just into the distance, that's great.

3. Your movie is nearly finished, but there's one thing missing: dialogue! Your actors will need to say something sooner or later. Ideally they should say something without really saying anything. For example, one of them could say "I wonder if..." and then trail off while staring meaningfully at a plate.

4. Edit your film. Make it long, like three hours. Make each shot long as well, but not too long! The objective here is to change camera angles just often enough to stop your audience from falling asleep.

Bingo! Your movie is done. Most people won't like it, but some people will claim it's the most profound thing they've ever seen and you can value their judgements if you want to.

[krashkart]

Cowpunch McGill Eats a Plate of Beans? :DL

[Sledgehammer427]

actually, I had the incentive to make a movie like this once before...:dead:

[krashkart]

actually, I had the incentive to make a movie like this once before...:dead:

What the hell are you waiting for? Take it to Sundance! :stare:

[TarJak]

The rel key is to give it a great name like "Catharsis" or "The incomplete works of William Burkeshire" Without the artsy fartsy name none of them will want to see it.:DL

[Tchocky]

2. Pay a couple of actors and film them doing nothing in various places. Walking. Sitting. If you can get them to stare meaningfully at inanimate objects, or just into the distance, that's great.
And there have to be a few girls in there. Mumble mumble ironic depiction mumble mumble subjugation of the female form mumble mumble HOOTERS.

[onelifecrisis]

And there have to be a few girls in there. Mumble mumble ironic depiction mumble mumble subjugation of the female form mumble mumble HOOTERS.

Pfft! That would be soooo mainstream.

[August]

You also have to look good in a pony tail and designer clothing.

[frau kaleun]

Director: I want this picture to be a commentary on modern conditions. Stark realism. The problems that confront the average man!

Studio Boss #1: But with a little sex in it.

Director: A little, but I don't want to stress it. I want this picture to be a document. I want to hold a mirror up to life. I want this to be a picture of dignity! A true canvas of the suffering of humanity!

Studio Boss #1: But with a little sex in it.

Director: [reluctantly] With a little sex in it.

Studio Boss #2: How 'bout a nice musical?


(From Sullivan's Travels (http://www.filmsite.org/sull.html))

[krashkart]

^^ Heehee! XD

[Buddahaid]

I'll take the still long shots over the cameraman with alzheimer's any day. I know let's make the camera so shakey no one can tell how bad the scene is! Add some eerie music and voila, any modern POS movie with zero plot for those with no attention span. Oh wait, that's all modern movies, duh.

[onelifecrisis]

I'll take the still long shots over the cameraman with alzheimer's any day. I know let's make the camera so shakey no one can tell how bad the scene is! Add some eerie music and voila, any modern POS movie with zero plot for those with no attention span. Oh wait, that's all modern movies, duh.

I bet my "attention span" is longer than yours.

[Buddahaid]

I bet my "attention span" is longer than yours.

What?

[onelifecrisis]

What?

Just having fun, no offense intended. :)

[Buddahaid]

Just having fun, no offense intended. :)

Sorry, that was a joke about whatever it was we were talking about.

[onelifecrisis]

Sorry, that was a joke about whatever it was we were talking about.

What?

;)

[krashkart]

I'll take the still long shots over the cameraman with alzheimer's any day. I know let's make the camera so shakey no one can tell how bad the scene is! Add some eerie music and voila, any modern POS movie with zero plot for those with no attention span. Oh wait, that's all modern movies, duh.

Hrmm... movies that will make you vomit (but not just because they suck). :D

[onelifecrisis]

(From Sullivan's Travels (http://www.filmsite.org/sull.html))

I liked the Pittsburgh punchline. :haha:

[The Third Man]

Redford, Moore, Gore have been involved in it for years. Ask them.

[frau kaleun]

I liked the Pittsburgh punchline. :haha:

SB#1: It died in Pittsburgh.
SB#2: Like a dog!
Director: Aw, what do they know in Pittsburgh...
SB#2: They know what they like.
Director: If they knew what they liked, they wouldn't live in Pittsburgh!

:yeah: