Revengeful Revenge on Revenge (BALZ)

[Brag]

Excerpts From Lt. Schmenk´s Diary.

06 June 1940
The patrol started badly. Balz said we would detour a little to sink something at Bonus Corner, just south of the Fair Isle passage. On the last patrol we got severely hammered there and it took two months to fix U-52. Today we arrived at Bonus Corner 3 days out of Wilhelmshaven and got severely hammered again. I suggested we return to base. In response, Balz made me wear a lead foil lined Carmen Miranda pineapple hat. "So that you will have heavier thinking," he said.

Balz is obsessed on getting command of a type IX boat. For that, he needs to impress Doenitz with tonnage. We proceeded to our patrol area west of Gibraltar.


12 June 1940
We detoured a little to see if we could pick out some unescorted ships traversing Tanker Alley. Shortly after our arrival, the sound man reported convoy noises.

We got into a good attack position as it started to rain. Balz said, "We are going to get us a battle ship, I think it's the Revenge. Bernard, get on the observation scope as I can't see the target but for a couple of seconds. Attack quartet stand by to sing Balz is Great.

"Bernard, let me know when you see Revenge."
"Here it comes," Bernard announced.
Balz swung the periscope and ordered, "Loss."
A few seconds later we had two hits.
The light of the explosions revealed we had hit a medium tanker.
"Bernaaard," Balz called.
But Bernard had already disappeared into the rear battery compartment.

"Chief, take us down to hundred and fifty meters," Balz ordered while the quartet hummed in silent running mode.
"This might be too deep for our hull condition," I said.
"You have seen what happens if we are too close to the surface," Balz answered.
Fortunately none of the escorts came near us. We just passed a hundred meters when Bernard burst into the Zentrale, "Das Boot ist beschadig."
"What is damaged?" Balz asked.
"Das Boot, das Boot," Bernard whined.
"That sounds like a good song or book title," Balz said, "be more specific."
The lights went out, electricity crackled, circuit breakers popped.
"Ousblassen," Balz ordered. " Stop ascent at eighty meters.
as we passed ninety meters, electricity was restored.
"We are going to get our revenge by sinking Revenge in a revengeful way," Balz announced. "We will attack again at dawn."

With a damaged boat with limited depth capability and a Komandant obsessed in attacking a well protected convoy, I knew we were sailing into deadly trouble.

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To be continued on this thread:D

[HW3]

I hope Bernard has Donitz's knitted booties stored in a nice dry place.:03:

[frau kaleun]

I hope Bernard has Donitz's knitted booties stored in a nice dry place.:03:

He keeps them right next to Brag's sense of humor. :03: :yeah:

We just passed a hundred meters when Bernard burst into the Zentrale, "Das Boot ist beschadig."
"What is damaged?" Balz asked.
"Das Boot, das Boot," Bernard whined.
"That sounds like a good song or book title," Balz said, "be more specific."

:rotfl2:

[Gerald]

and now he comes like a victorious through the mists,and this will in extending the lead to one boat IX,especially if balz lock up Bernard :roll:

[papa_smurf]

In response, Balz made me wear a lead foil lined Carmen Miranda pineapple hat. "So that you will have heavier thinking," he said.

:har:

[Brag]

By morning the rain had stopped. Huge waves lashed at the conning tower. Balz ordered a dive to fifteen meters, maybe he had decided an attack under this conditions would not succeed.

We still got a lot of wallow submerged. Balz listened to the hydrophone. "Lovely, I hear the sweet murmur of lovely, distant screws. Coming toward us is the economic might of the British Empire, unaware that the might of Germany's true Teutonic hero, me Balz is awaiting to demonstrate a lesson of hoochie woochie." He gestured for the choir to sing his latest composition, Give us the Greatness of Balz.

Had we been at PD, the boat would have broached. At fifteen meters, the periscope would make targets visible when in the throughts. Balz said he could only see the masts when aything. We would shoot from a range of fifteen hundred meters.

We set number two and three torpedoes on magnetic and to explode one meter below the battleship's keel.

I was sure the torpedoes would premature or otherwise fail.
"Attack Quartet, hum."
"Salvo loss!"
"Flood tube one . . .Loss! Einz, zwei, hoochie woochie."
One of the salvo torpedoes prematured.
Almost holding our breath, we waited.
In a most unusual manner, Balz kept the periscope up.
The torpedo hit.
"Just aft of the bridge. The one that prematured was to hit the magazines"
The single torpedo struck.
"Under the stern." Balz made a complete sweep. "We have company coming. Dive to eighty meters. Choir to go into silent humming."
"We should have sent number four torpedo, too," I said.
Balz laughed. "To sink a sinking ship?"
"It´s not sinking yet."
"Ha, no battleship survives Balz's salvohoochies."

Anxiously, we listened for the escorts mill about in our vicinity. The soundman announced the battleship was going down.

Half an hour later, Balz announced, "This sinking must be celebrated in an adequate manner with a drink of single malt Scottish whiskey."
"What's a single malt," Bernard asked.
"A whiskey with one malt. That´s what the oppressed Scots drink."
"And what's a several malt whiskey called?"
"An abortion. That's what Englanders drink." Balz poured Scotch into glasses.
"Where did you get it?" I asked.
"From my wine and spirits merchant in London," Balz said.
"London?" I asked, stupefied.
Balz made an expansive gesture. "I send the order to Vito in Genoa. Vito forwards the order to Paco in Barcelona who in turns sends the order to London. The order travels to Spain, then Italy and from there to my address. This is the modern way of shopping, through the Italnet."


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[Gerald]

It is what is meant by Italnet. "Strange shipping ...:hmmm: :salute:

[HW3]

This is the modern way of shopping, through the Italnet.

:rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2:

[frau kaleun]

:sign_yeah:

Also:

"What's a single malt," Bernard asked.
"A whiskey with one malt. That´s what the oppressed Scots drink."
"And what's a several malt whiskey called?"
"An abortion. That's what Englanders drink."

:har:

[Pebble Monkey]

:sign_yeah:

Also:



:har:

Absolute truth too!

[Brag]

Lorient 3 July 1940

Approaching the deock, Balz said, "I see the Admiral waiting for us. He will congratulate me, shake my hand, give me medals. He will also give out medals for the crew. He will invite me to drink champagne with him so that he´ll have time to properly admire me."

As soon as the gangway was secured, Doenitz hurried aboard. He returned Balz´s salute, cleared his throat. "Balz, what in the devil are you doing here?" "Nothing yet, Herr Admiral."
"Your orders are Wilhelmshaven."
"My boat is severely kaputed. But if you wish I can go to Wilhelmshaven by train and while there I can pick up a type IX."
"The only picking you´ll do is your nose while in the brig."
Balz kept standing at attention. "Do I get a medal for brig time?"
The Admiral´s face grew purple.
A staff officer came aboard holding a telephone. "Der Fuhrer is on the line." Doenitz lifted the receiver. "I am listening, mein Fuhrer Ja, mein Fuhrer," he answered smiling. "He has just arrived. Yes, yes. Very heroic, even though damaged, he heroically pressed the attack until Revenge was no more. I´m promoting him to Kapitan Leutnant. Yes, yes, I will give him leave so he can visit you."
Doenitz handed the receiver to Balz. "Say something to our Fuhrer."
Balz took the phone. "Hi Hitler."
After a brief chat, Balz hung up.
Doenitz glared at Balz. "Before you even ask, the answer is no. And do you know why?"
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"Because you drive me crazy."
"Yes?"
"Yes!"
"Can I ask in Japanese while speaking French?"

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Next installment soon :D

[Pebble Monkey]

Hi Hitler :har:

[Brag]

10 July 1940
Chateau des Sardines
BDU Atlantic field HQ

Balz marched into Doenitz´s office on the second floor of the red brick building. "Reporting as ordered, Herr Admiral."
"What is the state of U-52?" asked the admiral.
"It's fifty percent damaged, Herr Admiral. Unrepairable."
"Since you totalled the boat, I have no choice but to give you a new command." Doenitz smiled. "A very woochie hoochie one."
To Balz this sounded promising. He would finally get a type IX. He smiled back. "You mean hoochie woochie?"
"No. It´s the Woochie Hoochie, the name´s been painted on the bow and the hull is yellow."
"A yellow submarine? That will match my duckie tea cozy."
Doenitz's grin broadened. "You will be permited to wear your outlandish head gear in port."
"Thank you, Herr Admiral."
"You and four strong oarsmen, will look for mines left by the French. A very heroic job."


The following day, close to quiting time, Doenitz signed a batch or orders and stretched. It has been a good day. A whole day without Balz bothering him.

The admiral wondered what was the commotion outside his office while he read an intelligence report.

Balz goose stepped into the office followed by a number of stretcher bearers who deposited the stretchers on the floor. Each stretcher contained a mine.
Balz saluted. "Your mines, Herr Admiral."

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[Sailor Steve]

Why am I starting to have visions of Doenitz being played by Herbert Lom?




Is his eye twitching yet?

[HW3]

All this and Balz hasn't presented him with his booty yet. If his eye isn't twitching yet, it soon will be.

:har:

[Schroeder]

I wonder who would win in a contest to wreck Dönitz's nerves first. Balz or Bernard. :hmm2:
:D

[sunvalleyslim]

Great small stories Balz, Good to see you here. Been away for awhile myself but you always bring a smile to me......

[Brag]

Welcome back, Slim! :salute:

[Bosje]

this one chuckles me good :salute:

[Brag]

"What to do, what to do?" Doenitz clutched his head.
"What is bothering you, Herr Admiral?" Captain Lorenz asked.
"It´s that hoochie woochie singing I keep hearing. That Balz will drive me nuts."
"hmmmm."
Doenitz threw his arms up. "Yesterday he presented me with one hundred size 43 baby booties. He apologized for being late with the delivery because he could not find pink ribbons for them.
"Size 43?"
Doenitz banged the desk with his fist. "That´s my size. Imagine what Churchill will think if he finds out I have a collection of baby booties."
"It would be worse if Hitler did."
doenitz shook his head. "And then Balz asked me to give him a IX boat."
Lorentz chuckled. There´s your solution. Give Balz the boat he wants and send him on a long patrol."
"Splendid idea, wonder why I didn´t think of that."
Two months without Balz should be enough time to compose your nerves, Herr Admiral."

The following day, Balz presented himself at the Chateau des Sardines to pick up the orders of his new command. He was surprised how quiet it was as the BDU staff walked around wearing woolen booties. This made sense for an arm that called itself The Silent Service.

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Stay tuned for Balz's adventures aboard his brand new type IX

[Gerald]

can finally get to prove he is worthy of a new boat,no wonder that the headquarters was quiet as mice, which perhaps can be explained in that there was disagreement to provide a new boat, then the results have been meager at times,good luck :salute:

[HW3]

He was surprised how quiet it was as the BDU staff walked around wearing woolen booties. This made sense for an arm that called itself The Silent Service.

:har:

[Jimbuna]

The following day, Balz presented himself at the Chateau des Sardines to pick up the orders of his new command. He was surprised how quiet it was as the BDU staff walked around wearing woolen booties. This made sense for an arm that called itself The Silent Service.

Choir to go into silent humming.

:har::rock:

[papa_smurf]

Lorentz chuckled. There´s your solution. Give Balz the boat he wants and send him on a long patrol."
"Splendid idea, wonder why I didn´t think of that."
Two months without Balz should be enough time to compose your nerves, Herr Admiral."

Something tells me two months won't be long enough:nope:

[frau kaleun]

Something tells me two months won't be long enough:nope:

There's always Penang.

[Jimbuna]

There's always Penang.

Or the English Channel http://www.psionguild.org/forums/images/smilies/wolfsmilies/whistle.gif