Well that sucks!

[Freiwillige]

Last night I found out that one thing that nobody wants to find out in a relationship, your partner is unfaithful.

My GF has been with me two and a half years and as far as women go I considered her top notch. She's beautiful, funny, caring and honest (Mostly)
We have lived together our entire relationship. She has never done anything that would make me question her. Last night she went to visit her mother in the hospital, I was invited but being sick I thought it wasn't a good idea. At 10:00pm she text me that she was going to grab a beer with an old High school girl friend she had not seen in a while. I really didn't think anything of it and she said she was going to get one beer and would be home soon. at 12:30 I texted her and asked where she was. She replyed she was still at the bar. I asked her if she wanted me to come join her and she replied that after her beer she was coming home.

By this time I was getting a little suspicious as her behavior was not the norm. Then she text that she was going to stay at her moms place cause she was worried I was contagious. Now that would normally make sense but we have been kissing and cuddling and doing our normal routine all week so the sudden concern set off alarm bells. Normally I could have the Flu and it couldn't keep her away.

So I told her that was fine and then grabbed my truck keys to head over there and find out what was what first hand. As I walked up to her mom's condo I could see her sitting in the living room through the slatted blinds. I stopped and watched for a sec and started to convince myself I was paranoid when some guy walks into view and starts passionately kissing my girl. I was livid as I watched her not only accept his kiss but she then put her arms around his shoulders and went all out. I figured looking for the house key as I figured knocking was out of the question at this point.

I got the top lock undone and went to open the door but the bottom lock was locked! As I was trying to insert the key she opened the door. "Hey babe what are you doing here?" she asked as she tried to play innocent. I brought her outside and tore her a new %^&*(*))) then stormed in the house to find it empty. I haven't had that much adrenaline pumping through me in ages but I kept a level head and asked the guy to come out. She told him that I knew and to come out and out steps this douchbag we met at the bar a few weekends prior. A kid that gave her a ride on his Harley and ended up doing 135Mph with her on the back and me giving chase. After that I told her I didn't want anything to do with the guy and she agreed he was stupid and she should have never ridden on his Harley after we have all been drinking. Apparently not stupid enough!

So out steps this 200 pound kid and I just eyeballed him. He said he should just leave and I agreed in the most violent of terms that that would be a grand idea. He didn't hesitate. My Girlfriend just sat there knowing full well that she was caught in the act. I began to ask her questions. He text and wanted to hang out, I agreed to meet him for a drink, I did not plan this it just happened and finally after hours of talking I got an apology although to be honest it felt a bit hollow.

So now I am in this awkward situation. My heart says I love her, My brain says throw her out. She says she doesn't know what she wants and that she was not really happy.

It sucks, I feel like I am losing not only my partner but my best friend. 2 and a half years and headed for marriage all wasted. She still lives with me although we both agree that that may change real soon, Like today or tomorrow.

It just sucks when life is going so good and wham its a **** sandwich and you have to take a bite.

[Jimbuna]

I'm truly sorry to learn of your bitter experience and appreciate you will soon be engulfed with responses saying you should do this or you should do that.

My advice, if that is what your after would be to take time to think long and hard and come to the decision that is right for you.

I sincerely wish you a positive/successful outcome http://www.psionguild.org/forums/images/smilies/wolfsmilies/thumbsup.gif

[frau kaleun]

My heart goes out to you, man, I've been there and I know how gutted you must feel.

You'll have to do what you feel is right of course and no one can decide that but you... but my two cents, FWIW - someone who admits they don't know what they want, needs to go figure that out on their own time and in their own space and not use a relationship that they can't or won't commit to as a safety net to avoid doing so.

In my experience people who can't make up their minds about being in a committed relationship will usually continue not making up their minds about it as long as they think they can have it both ways.

Anyway - good luck to you with whatever you decide to do.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[Reece]

That's terrible, sounds like she isn't happy there and even though it may hurt you may have to let her go, otherwise you'll be looking over your shoulders for the rest of your life.:oops: Truly sorry, I do know what you are going through!:cry:
Hope your future changes for the best soon.:)

[Skybird]

First time is: once.

Second time is: a habit.

If it happened once, give her a second chance, if you feel like it and if your story with her is worth it for you to make an investment and take some risks.

But once it has become a habit, leave.

[ajrimmer42]

dude that does suck. Well, it sounds like you really love her, and it is only once, I dunno, maybe give it a week or so and see how things pan out? Hope it turns out ok in the end :salute:

[Happy Times]

I think that adults should be able to control urges.
I personally dont want to be with anyone that weak.

Leave her but say that you can maybe consider taking her back is she can demonstrate more mature type of commitment.

It was that bad boy with a Harley and you being too good to her possibly, she felt you were easy.

Most women are shallow and emotional in my books, when you find one that is intelligent and loyal you should fight for her.

[AVGWarhawk]

Been there man. Move on because any trust that was there is now gone. Not a good way for you to live.

[HunterICX]

That's awfull man,

wish you all the best and hopes for a positive outcome.

HunterICX

[Lord_magerius]

I've been there man and I know nothing any of us say can make a difference to how crappy and messed up you're feeling right now. I can only offer my two cents and that would be to follow your head. If it's the second time it's happened then it will probably happen a third time if you continue. It's best just to end it now, go your separate ways for a little while before you get hurt anymore. But that's just me, you've got to make the decision, whatever you do I'm sure you'll make the choice that's right for you.

[Chad]

I'm sorry man.

Like so many others I have also had this, but I didn't know about it until she upped and left me.

I'm better off now by far as I have met someone much better.

I used to believe there was only one, 1, uno, person for you in this world. Now I know that love is gained, not given. Don't settle, and do what makes YOU happy.

[August]

Been there man. Move on because any trust that was there is now gone. Not a good way for you to live.

Yep, better a clean break now than a messy one later. Besides your REAL true love of your life is out there somewhere. You don't want miss her because you were keeping your present relationship going on life support.

[Oberon]

I won't say what to do, it's not really my place to, only you can decide how to proceed based on the situation.
Either which way, take care and stay strong mate.

[CaptainHaplo]

Frei.... I won't advise you - but yet I will.. Let me ask some questions - and you think hard about your answers. No need to share them, just answer them for yourself and let those answers guide you.

How did you feel when you saw her kiss him?

Did you - or do you now - question her committment to you?

Are you willing to - based on the previous two answers, put yourself in the position with her to have to do that all over again in the future?

I've made my share of mistakes in relationships. I also know what my answers would be if it were my lady that did this. All I can do is wish you well brother, and should you need to talk - feel free to PM me.

[Gato76]

Freiwillige walk away from that woman,get rid of her,she did it once and she will do it again

[nikimcbee]

since you're not married (no kids), I'd give her the pink slip and leave her stuff at the door.

Sorry to hear that, though.

[Platapus]

I might as well add my worthless advice too.

Don't do anything for a few days. You need to process these emotions, get your mind straight before you can make any decisions.

After everything has cooled off, ask yourself: Could you ever trust this woman again in a relationship. You know her better than any of us.

You were not very clear on what your girlfriend actually did. Was she drunk/tipsy and kissed a guy passionately? Is that enough to break off your relationship? Only you can answer that.

One thing you can do, once everything calms down, is ask your girlfriend to explain what happened. You are not so much interested in the details but in how open your girlfriend is.

If you get the impression she is being open and honest about a stupid mistake, then you can factor that into your decision

If, however, you get the impression that your girlfriend can't/won't be open and honest about this, that is another red flag in the relationship.

You have an important decision to make, and you owe it to yourself to make it with a clear calm mind.

Relationships have survived this sort of stuff
Relationships have been torn apart by this sort of stuff

Only you can find the right answer. Just make it the answer that is right for you.

Good luck with this.

(insert suitable male heterosexual bonding activity here) :)

[Freiwillige]

Well we are kind of in a holding pattern at this point. She acts one way and says another. I am strong enough to let her go that is definitely not the issue.
She is very open about what happened to lead up to that event. He pursued her aggressively all the while playing the caring nice guy role. Not to say that she is not without fault cause in my book I am dating her not him so she bears 100% of my blame. The trust issue is the hardest part of this because before that night she had more trust than any woman ever and she worked hard to earn that trust. She was never deceitful or sneaky and in fact that what got her caught was her poor deception skills. She should have known that I would have figured it out and quick.

I asked her what if I told you to come home during our text conversation. She said that she would have. I do believe her. She was not intoxicated and had 3 beers over the space of 10:20 P.M. and 12:40 A.M. which he so kindly bought her.

She is very open about the events and didn't even try to deny that Sex was what they were leading into before I came crashing into their party.

But like I said the trust is destroyed. Now I am wondering if she's Really at work tonight? Are they texting each other all night?

I talked to her last night while she was at work and she did admit that she had talked to him. She said he wanted to know what happened after I showed up and he left.

She says that she's unhappy with our economic situation (I am currently unemployed) while she is working. But that's not to say that I do not bring in money and at times I bring in more than her working on cars or doing odd jobs on Craigslist. But I can understand her worry about a steady paycheck vs Lots of money followed by no money.

Anyways I digress. The point is that I do love her but I don't trust her.
I am willing to work things out but it takes two to tango. The balls in her court.

The last issue I have and this could be the ball buster is this guy. I have zero idea what his intent is. Is he done or is the challenge making him want to chase after her harder. I don't know where she is at on him either.
But I will get it resolved quickly because if I feel that she is still being deceitful he can have her.

[Ducimus]

I feel for you OP, i really do. I've been emotionally gutted by women TWICE. Never quite got over the first one, but it made the second one alot easier to let go.

The second one, was a 7 year relationship. Never married her because she had credit (and later drug) issues. (nevermind she also lied, stole, and cheated on me) I walked away knowing full well that i was the better person. Several dates and 8 months later i met someone else, who thinks alot like myself, believes in many things that i do, and at times can practically finish my thought's before i can even put them into words. Pretty sure i'll marry this one. Shes intelligent, good common sense, very practical , with a very loving heart.

You'll find someone else, don't waste your time trying to "make it work". Long term relationships are founded on trust. Once that trust is broken, your living in a house without a foundation that will come tumbling down at the first sign of foul weather.

[razark]

Like a lot of other responders, I've been through a situation like this.

But like I said the trust is destroyed. Now I am wondering if she's Really at work tonight? Are they texting each other all night?

That loss of trust can be hard. It can take a long time to get back anywhere near what it was, if you do decide to work things out. If you do decide to try to make it work, it will be a long, hard road.

Good luck. Take a couple of days and think about what you want and what you need. Don't do anything irreversible yet. There's always time for that after you settle down and think.

[TarJak]

If there is a lack of trust now and you continue the relationship that lack of trust will only get worse not better. Whenever she is out of your sight for any extended period you will be wondering if she is out messing about behind your back.

My 2c is dump her and move on. There are others out there who won't do that to you, you just need to find one.

[Freiwillige]

Well it will probably turn around and bite me and sooner than later I think but I am going to try and work through this with her. She's too much to me just to let go. (The exception is if she chooses to go). We have a great history and it just seems tragic to end things so abruptly. Yes the trust issue is enormous but I think we can work past that if she is willing.

[Jimbuna]

I wish you all the luck in the world and a happy future :sunny:

[Skybird]

If she would favour her interest in her relation with you over her interest in that other guy, she would have understood the need to break contact with him immediately, if for no other reason than just to send you a strong signal that she cares for you more than for him. But you said she called him after you ruined their party at least one more time. Her excuse means not much, imo. when she called him, again she tried to dance on two parties at the same time.

I admit that small signal raises reason for pessimism in the long perspective. I'm sorry to say, but with that second report of yours I think you two are already split. Possible you just need some more time to find the courage to frankly admit it.

In the spirit of this, confront her, then draw your conclusions and act accordingly.

[Freiwillige]

Skybird, I am not that kind of guy to say who she can and cannot speak with.
Ive always been of the mindset that you can talk to whom ever you like but always have the proper courtesy to let me know if your interest lies elsewhere and I will let you go. I agree that if she broke contact it wouldn't hurt her case but in the end the truth always gets reveled. If they still have constant contact she will tell me just as she has admitted their last contact. If she is interested in what he has to offer she will move out and all my questions are answered. I will know for sure if its worth saving real soon.

[les green01]

if she still talking to him that don't sound good and if she was willing to have sex with him,what will happen if another man ask for her to take a ride on a harley or buy her beer but honest and thrust is the two most important part of a relationship and i hope for the best for you.

[Skybird]

Skybird, I am not that kind of guy to say who she can and cannot speak with.
Ive always been of the mindset that you can talk to whom ever you like but always have the proper courtesy to let me know if your interest lies elsewhere and I will let you go. I agree that if she broke contact it wouldn't hurt her case but in the end the truth always gets reveled. If they still have constant contact she will tell me just as she has admitted their last contact. If she is interested in what he has to offer she will move out and all my questions are answered. I will know for sure if its worth saving real soon.

Keeping on talking to friends, colleagues, buddies, is one thing. Keeping on talking to a guy who tried to make her cheating on you - that is something different.

Anyhow - this is your match, not mine.

[krashkart]

Can't say as I envy you any, Freiwillige. Do whatcha gotta do to survive and move on from there. :)

[Ducimus]

Only thing i'm going to add, is that letting go can be very, very hard to do. It's very easy to fall into the trap of sticking with what you know, rather then face being alone and the unknown of finding someone else or not.

But sometimes letting go , albiet hard, is the right thing to do. Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of continually saying to yourself, "Just one more chance". I did that for a number of years, it's nothing but a downward spiral, and it never improves.

[krashkart]

^^ Yep, been there.

[UnderseaLcpl]

Wow. I'm sorry about all that, Freiwillige. It just plain sucks.


So now I am in this awkward situation. My heart says I love her, My brain says throw her out. She says she doesn't know what she wants and that she was not really happy.



She lies. What she is really saying is that she isn't happy and hasn't found what she wants yet, but she'd like you to support her until she can figure out a way to leave you in the dust.

This is not a failure on your part. It happens all the time in relationships where one person isn't ready or makes a hasty commitment because they are insecure and/or co-dependant. Both men and women seem to have this problem, but in my experience women are much worse about it. I've seen a lot of bad men in my life but even the worst have yet to match the cruelty that some women I have met have demonstrated. This one guy in my platoon had his wife leave him and take everything he owned while he was in Iraq. How f'ed up is that!?

Stand up on your own two feet, and get back in the game if you still want to play. I don't know you personally, but it is clear that you are an intelligent and well-spoken guy. I have little doubt that you will have much difficulty in finding someone else. There are a lot of women out there who would give anything for a guy like you, assuming that you're not without any kind of physical appeal.

I had both of my female roommates look at some of your posts, and both said they'd like to meet you. How I'm going to explain that you can't make a date is something else again:DL, but the study confirms that your personality alone, even within this limited medium, has some appeal.

Kick that b*** to the curb and find someone who really appreciates you for who you are. Your personal worth is not dependant upon what some obviously unfaithful chick thinks of you. You can do better than that.

Whatever your decision, I wish you good luck, my friend.

[Freiwillige]

Final update to this story. She packed up and is gone:nope:. I did my best to convince her that 2 and 1/2 years of what most would consider a perfect relationship is too much to throw away for this guy she's known two weeks and has only talked to her for 4 days. She cried, I cried it was hell and still it seems so sureal. Our room looks so empty now.

I caught her in her final lie. I asked her if she was talking to him, She said no. I found a text in her phone that she sent at work last night at 3:00 am to him asking if he was still awake or if he had fallen asleap on her. She deleted all other corisponding texts with him. I told her that all trust is shot and that it would be good if she moved out. We talked a bit and asked her if this was what she really wanted. She was crying and couldn't give me an answer. I asked her to stop talking to him but if she couldn't I could no longer continue trying to save the relationship. She said she could not stop talking to him and that she was confused and that she loved me so much but.......I told her that I loved her and that she should try out a relationship with him because as much as it hurts me I can no longer be there for her. I told her that she was making a huge mistake but I love you enough to let you go and live out that mistake. So after all the sobbing we went to the corner bar and had a few beers and chatted.

I think the both of us were in denial but after words I walked her to her car and we both lost it and I am nnot ashamed to admit that I broke down and cried my ass off in front of her and she broke down too and started hugging me and I pushed her away and told her I had to go. She begged me to stay but whats done is done and I figured why hang around in a. miserable moment.

I beleive everything happens for a reason and I am not really bitter at her just hurt. I understand since she is so much younger than myself that maybe she has not felt like she has lived her youth. Still I cant help but hurt. I lost my lover, I lost my best friend.

Thanks guys for all your support.:salute:

[GoldenRivet]

She says she doesn't know what she wants and that she was not really happy.

Unfortunately my friend... you have everything you need to know right there.

It can be painful to let go, but this is probably something you simply have to do. The seed of mistrust is planted, and it will grow a massive weed in the garden of your relationship... no matter how hard you try to pluck it out and be done with it, you likely wont be able to.

The questions you will ask yourself every night she is 30 minutes late coming home, the nagging feeling you will feel as you wonder where she really is or what is she really doing?

it is unpleasant to have such feelings to say the least.

but one thing would have sealed the deal for me for sure and thats her remark that... "I dont really know what i want, and im unhappy"

red flag

if you both dont want something relatively close to the same thing - it just wont work period and the cheating behavior was bound to happen sooner or later with her feeling this way.

Just be glad you dont have a child or two together.

so my recommendation, as hard of a suppository as this will be to shove up your ass...

Let her go find out what it is that she wants and move on.

[TarJak]

Final update to this story. She packed up and is gone:nope:. I did my best to convince her that 2 and 1/2 years of what most would consider a perfect relationship is too much to throw away for this guy she's known two weeks and has only talked to her for 4 days. She cried, I cried it was hell and still it seems so sureal. Our room looks so empty now.

I caught her in her final lie. I asked her if she was talking to him, She said no. I found a text in her phone that she sent at work last night at 3:00 am to him asking if he was still awake or if he had fallen asleap on her. She deleted all other corisponding texts with him. I told her that all trust is shot and that it would be good if she moved out. We talked a bit and asked her if this was what she really wanted. She was crying and couldn't give me an answer. I asked her to stop talking to him but if she couldn't I could no longer continue trying to save the relationship. She said she could not stop talking to him and that she was confused and that she loved me so much but.......I told her that I loved her and that she should try out a relationship with him because as much as it hurts me I can no longer be there for her. I told her that she was making a huge mistake but I love you enough to let you go and live out that mistake. So after all the sobbing we went to the corner bar and had a few beers and chatted.

I think the both of us were in denial but after words I walked her to her car and we both lost it and I am nnot ashamed to admit that I broke down and cried my ass off in front of her and she broke down too and started hugging me and I pushed her away and told her I had to go. She begged me to stay but whats done is done and I figured why hang around in a. miserable moment.

I beleive everything happens for a reason and I am not really bitter at her just hurt. I understand since she is so much younger than myself that maybe she has not felt like she has lived her youth. Still I cant help but hurt. I lost my lover, I lost my best friend.

Thanks guys for all your support.:salute:Good call. It will hurt for a while but in the end I think you'll find that you've made the right decision.

[Skybird]

Given the already bad circumstances, it's the best outcome that now was still possible: a clear cut, a fast-coming end with grievance - which is better than grievance without end.

It sounds like a cliché, but there is truth in what they say: that time heals wounds.

For the time beeing, your mind must be occupied with what just has happened, and you must feel the suffering. That's the way things are, that's part of your human nature. But you' ll get over it, and from now on your wellbeing can just improve: maybe slowly, maybe faster than you now can imagine. Time will tell.

Heads up!

[UnderseaLcpl]

I am very sorry for what you had to go through, Frei. It's probably going to sting for quite a while yet, and there is little you can do about that other than grin and bear it and try to move on.

In the meantime, look on the bright side; you're single and you're a gamer/submarine nerd with a whole internets' worth of friends. Now, I know what you're thinking-"that sounds completely lame and would in no way cheer me up" but that's where you're wrong. As it turns out, women love both gamers and submarine nerds. I know this because my roommates often watch me play GWX and SH5, and then leave the room holding their sides and giggling . For those of you not familiar with the ways of women, that's called a "female orgasm" and it usually happens in the bedroom.:|\\ Yep...... they just love the way I shout helm commands at my computer in German.:smug:

It'll take time to get over the loss of your girlfriend, but with the typical subsimmer's appeal you'll be loading some beautiful broad's stern tubes in no time. And then you can work on finding another woman.:D

[Freiwillige]

Thanks guys for all the support. I may not know any of you face to face but I have gotten to know many of your personality's and I call all of you friends. Its tough for sure and I have downed many a beer tonight. What makes it harder is that she is still in communications with me on face book telling me how hard it is for her blah blah blah. I just told her what I know in my heart to be true. She's making a ginormous mistake and she is going to realise sooner than later that when her new shiny boy toys appeal wears off that she will be missing the closeness that we shared.

But I have a great group of roudy friends that will have no problem holding my country boy ass up to a bar stool and making me live the single life till it kills me.

It hurts unbearably but I have survived this long and it wont be long before I let go and Cowboy up!:salute:

[HunterICX]

Take good care of yourself Frei,

good to hear you got some friends that hold you up:yeah:

HunterICX

[Freiwillige]

I always like to put a face to a story so I will share these with you and you all can understand my loss :arrgh!:

http://i444.photobucket.com/albums/qq166/FreiwilligeIL2/l_e8b76ed1e6164c7591e7611e4e32cd80.jpg

http://i444.photobucket.com/albums/qq166/FreiwilligeIL2/l_57ff0e57f3a9449eb434e3d3d3a8ca86.jpg

http://i444.photobucket.com/albums/qq166/FreiwilligeIL2/l_208c040338784e8984507875f6c5c163.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Time is a great healer Frei....SINK EM ALL!! http://www.psionguild.org/forums/images/smilies/wolfsmilies/thumbsup.gif

[Skybird]

BTW, Frei, to distract you from your current situation a bit and come back to the real important topics of forum life :D - how have you come to your avatar name?

"Freiwillige" without an "r" at the end would either mean you refer to yourself in plural, or you like to irritate people by making them believe you are female.

Maybe you want to add an "r" so that it is "Freiwilliger" ;) :DL , which would be the correct form for male, singular.

The hidden trapdoors of German language. Yeah I'm a smartass, I know. :shucks:

[Freiwillige]

I thought it meant volunteer.

[Skybird]

I thought it meant volunteer.
It does. Just the grammar is wrong.

"I am a volunteer" is the same for boys and girls in English, but not in German.

In German, girls "say "Ich bin eine Freiwillige", boys say "Ich bin ein Freiwilliger" . Both cases in singular. In Plural, it always is "Freiwillige".

We make a difference between he-volunteers and she-volunteers. :D

[Foxtrot]

I am sorry to hear this. Though such thing never happened with me but I have seen these unfortunate sad endings many times. She is embraced because she was caught. Who knows for how long this was going on?

The funniest thing is that she (kinda) blamed everything on "happiness" when she was caught in act. Well, it is true that if a guy cheats, he is a dog. But if a woman cheats, it is about feeling and romance.

Time is bad for you, and it will take sometime for you to move on. The best thing is to have good contacts with friends, enjoy hobbies that you like, and of course join the gym. :cool: Perhaps a good time to learn semen retention? :D

There is plenty of fish in the pound, and I am sure you'll meet someone who is worth of your companionship.

All the best :salute:

[GoldenRivet]

Well, it is true that if a guy cheats, he is a dog. But if a woman cheats, it is about feeling and romance.


interesting.

im borrowing that :salute:

[Takeda Shingen]

a clear cut, a fast-coming end with grievance - which is better than grievance without end.

Oh, that's good. I'm using that.

[Freiwillige]

Well this is a bit harder than i previously anticipated. I have been up 30 hours straight and hade to force feed myself lunch today since I never ate yesterday. Oddly enough I dont feel to bad physicaly but emotionally I am pretty gutted. It would be easier If I had closure but she keeps talking in women tongue. She came by today for her last few bits of things and started to cry and said part of her wants to stay but she feels like if she didnt leave that she would never leave and she didnt want to look back and regret not leaving. I asked her what if she leaves and regrets not staying? You can spin it either way. But I do understand that she felt we were going nowhere with her working two jobs and me looking for 1 for almost a year.

She explained that she knows she loves me and knows that she is in love with me but the guilt was too much and that pushed her to continue the move out instead of working it out and that she wants to be single and not date anybody for awhile while she works on her self. I told her I was okay with her dating the other guy just let me know so I can emotionally let go and she denied any interest in him outside of friendship. Sadly I do believe her as at this point she had nothing more to lose. I dunno its a tough ship to sail even my old mom started crying her eyes out when she left today as she was very loved in this house and was like family to her.

Well sleep soon is in order, It sucks that healing has to be so loooooong when emotionally raped.

[Sailor Steve]

I've stayed out of this so far as I'm not very good with relationships myself, but this last part forces me to give my two pence.

...and that she wants to be single and not date anybody for awhile while she works on her self.
That may be absolutely true, but don't forget to consider the possibility that what she wants is to be with this guy just for awhile and still not have the guilt, and maybe when it doesn't work or she get's tired of it (or he does) have an out to beg you to take her back.

Sorry to be negative, and I could easily be wrong, but that's the first possibility that ocurred to me.

[Sledgehammer427]

Frei I know how you feel, I have moved on from the relationships I'm about to mention (and I'm now dating a girl I'm absolutely in love with...) so maybe I can offer a few well wishes and sympathy.

I dated this girl once (for 9 months)...and she dumped me for a guy she barely knew, it didn't help that the situation was already strained by road construction and the lateness getting to the local rock concert going on that we planned to attend, but I did what I could and she left me.
I didn't eat for three days, and I lived on Dr. Who and Top Gear reruns (british television cures the american's broken heart...odd) Of course, I went to my mother's in CT and there I started talking to the next girl I was to date...and be crushed by.
That one and I went for...a year and...two months? something like that. anyways, she left me for a guy she barely knew but at least it was because I wasn't paying the bills (apparently I'm the wiser because she was rather foolish getting an apartment, no matter how well your temp job pays)
But this time I turned to my friends and, even though I had alienated from them (I never really had that many girls to date, I try to always be there for the girl I'm with) they accepted me back, so I became their taxi driver and I moved on, during this breakup process I started talking to a girl I knew liked me, but I was always dating some other girl to date her, and I asked her out, we've been dating for 6 months and she and I are like this -crosses fingers-

Frei, although you (and a [large] majority of the members here) are older than I all I can say is that from my experience it never helps to dwell in the past, you never know when you might miss a wonderful future!

[jumpy]

Ah, yes... the old 'Follow your heart... But don't forget to use your head' conundrum.
That last bit is really important; because when you feel that you know people, you really don't.

Sounds to me like you've got a lid on things, Freiwillige. Ignore the 'say one thing and then do another' stuff' as there's no sense in hanging about for an answer that you are never going to get from her. If she cannot answer you straight now, she never will.

At least there's a simple answer to your breaking up. You can't trust someone who lies or cheats on you. In the end you will be better off without her. Better to find out now and end it rather than doom yourself to years of difficult and emotional relationship turbulence and unhappiness.

I had my other half of nearly ten years leave me back in december. Left me a paper note telling me she needed space. Couldn't even tell me to my face. I'm not going to go into much more detail (it's most likely here on subsim somewhere anyway lol), but for this:
She has severe clinical depression (strong medication and a head shrinker to boot), always has done, which I accepted about the woman I love (still now, unfortunately) despite the pressure it caused on our relationship. I stuck with it for a long time. Until she reasoned in her instability that the best thing for herself was to leave.

Looking back on some of the things I lived with as 'normal' every day stuff with her, I am forced to examine closely, a question my mother put to me in the new year (yes, it has taken that long for me to digest) - 'Could you live with another ten or twenty years of the frequent breakdowns and irrational and unstable behaviour that has led you to where you are now, and be happy?' - As much as my heart would forgive all just for the chance to feel her warmth back next to me on her side of our bed and to see her smile at me, like there's no one else in the world, when she wakes up... I must say no.

You always seem to loose something of yourself that is so precious and important that there are no real words to describe it. Breakups are funny like that; I slept on my sofa for 2 months because I wasn't comfortable in sleeping in what I still considered to be 'our' bed hahah.

You'll do some weird ****, but that's ok. Get out with your mates, eat good food every day, maybe a spot of exercise (I do a lot of hiking and a little weight training a few times a week). It's all good stuff. I'd also not recommend letting your sleeping get all messed up... spending all night brooding over things is not healthy on so many levels - that's something I still struggle a with from time to time.
You just have to refocus your attention on the good things in life and to follow your head and not your heart for the time being. There's no panacea for how you feel, or for how I feel, or for any of us in times like these. But the sun still rises each morning and it's a beautiful world containing many beautiful people - you're here to see it every day, gratis.

[GoldenRivet]

I once dated a young lady in a small college town in the next state, she grew up in the area but i was from out of town.

We had a fantastic relationship. We enjoyed the same dinners, movies, books, games. everything was great.

We carried on for about a year a half and i decided that she was the girl i wanted to spend my life with. So i proposed and she accepted my proposal. She was well aware that my upcoming professional life as a pilot could take us anywhere in the United States as well as possibly the world some day and she went on about how she loved to travel, and loved me... enough to go anywhere for the sake of "us".

I had finished most of my schooling, and elected to get some additional pilot ratings closer to home here in Texas. She came toi Texas with me for about a week in the summer and we shopped for an apartment and home furnishings.

I put a deposit down on a nice 2 bedroom apartment and we were to move in by the end of the month.

I would go and visit my grandfather for a week in the summer as she secured loose ends in the little college town in preparation for us to move in with one another.

I placed one of my nightly calls to her around 10pm when the store where she worked closed, normally i would talk to her as she walked to her car and drove home all the way until she was safe and sound in her little efficiency apartment - this was our normal routine.

However this time... I got no answer.

I tried again about 15 minutes later assuming there were some extra work duties she was tending to.

again i got no answer.

I tried again at 10:45 and about once or twice an hour until 4:30am :o

finally she answered.

Apparently, she went home with one of her male co-workers (who had only started at the job a few days prior) and stayed at his house "talking" until about 4am :shifty:

i simply said "well it must have been a very interesting conversation." and hung up on her. The next day she called me back in tears confessing all of her infidelity... swearing there was no sex but pretty much everything else you could imagine was done. :stare:

When i returned from my trip, I dropped off my dad, hit the local gas station and immediately drove the 4 hours to this small college town and went to her apartment and loaded up my "stuff" (what little there was) as she just stood there begging me not to be mad.

the last of my things i collected from her little apartment was the engagement ring off her finger. I tossed it into a box of random junk. closed the hatchback and without so much as a word got into the car and drove the 4 hours home.

i later found out through conversations with mutual friends and from her own mouth... she cheated as a way out.

she was a small town girl, she was intimidated by the world around her, she was scared to leave that little part of her world and was looking for a "way out" and saw an opportunity with a flirtatious co-worker she wouldnt have otherwise given a second thought to romantically.

personally, i would have been a helluva lot more understanding had she just been honest about her fears of leaving the little house on the prairie behind and said she wasnt ready, I cant say for sure how i would have reacted, but i'd like to think i would have understood her position.

Turns out that the douche bag co-worker loved to hit women. :nope:

their relationship lasted about 8 months

This all took place about 11 years ago.

she is married now to what i assume to be a good man, and they have one kid.

...they live about 3 blocks from that little one bedroom efficiency apartment in a town with a non-school season population of about 3,000-5,000 people.




Whatever you do Freiwillige - Dont let the transgressions of one woman spill over into your future relationships. You have to trust in order to develop a bond with your significant other.

I have had a lot of failed relationships... but i learned a valuable lesson from all of them, and they made me - romantically speaking - who i am today. and i credit the lessons from successful and unsuccessful relationships to helping me develop such a wonderful relationship with my wife today!

[Foxtrot]

women usually cope with these situations easily than men. Women tend to talk about their feelings easily with their friends than us dudes. I mean, how many times have you seen a guy crying in front of other dude out of emotions?

She says she is not going to date with this fella. Ok, but what about her SMS communication just after a day when you caught her?

Time is your best friend. Next few days will be very difficult for you. Leave the damn computer for a few days, and try to go out with friends :salute:

[CaptainHaplo]

Or continue to vent here to us.

Whether she chooses to stay single or not is irrelevant. Thats her life. No longer yours. These are hard words to accept, but sometimes as men we must realize that in letting something go, we are also reclaiming part of ourselves. Every relationship is a sacrifice - by both people. Because you love her, wish her the best as she moves forward, regardless of the hurt you have, because love does that. Just remember that while love can forgive, it cannot forget.

Maybe she does choose to stay single. Maybe not. She has to figure out what she wants in her life - and she has proven that what that is - right now - isn't JUST you. I have heard every reason in the book for why a woman will step out - whether it be emotionally, or physically. Ultimately, a relationship that fails like this is because one person lacked something. What sucks is that many times - the cheater doesn't realize what they need, and thus doesn't communicate it to their partner. We men are by nature fixers, give us a problem, we want to fix it. Women aren't - and both sides tend not to always discuss things when problems arise. In this case, her own words say she didn't have an issue with you - but she had issues with her own wants and needs. Better that you find that out now - and let her deal with her own stuff - than sit with blinders on as she tries to figure it all out.

The decisions are made - and you 2 have gotten things to where your seperate. Your going to cry, your going to be angry, your going to go through every emotional swing there is. Its ok, its natural, and you can vent it with us my friend. As much as it sucks, this is a growing opportunity for you. Focus on what you can gain yourself internally - and less on the loss. Time will heal the pain, but don't let her keep reopening the wound.

[AVGWarhawk]

Frei, although you (and a [large] majority of the members here) are older than I all I can say is that from my experience it never helps to dwell in the past, you never know when you might miss a wonderful future!


Amen brother. No one said Frei has to sit it out until said girlfriend 'finds' herself. While she is doing that go seek and ye shall find! :03:

[AVGWarhawk]

Ah, yes... the old 'Follow your heart... But don't forget to use your head' conundrum.
That last bit is really important; because when you feel that you know people, you really don't.

Sounds to me like you've got a lid on things, Freiwillige. Ignore the 'say one thing and then do another' stuff' as there's no sense in hanging about for an answer that you are never going to get from her. If she cannot answer you straight now, she never will.

At least there's a simple answer to your breaking up. You can't trust someone who lies or cheats on you. In the end you will be better off without her. Better to find out now and end it rather than doom yourself to years of difficult and emotional relationship turbulence and unhappiness.

I had my other half of nearly ten years leave me back in december. Left me a paper note telling me she needed space. Couldn't even tell me to my face. I'm not going to go into much more detail (it's most likely here on subsim somewhere anyway lol), but for this:
She has severe clinical depression (strong medication and a head shrinker to boot), always has done, which I accepted about the woman I love (still now, unfortunately) despite the pressure it caused on our relationship. I stuck with it for a long time. Until she reasoned in her instability that the best thing for herself was to leave.

Looking back on some of the things I lived with as 'normal' every day stuff with her, I am forced to examine closely, a question my mother put to me in the new year (yes, it has taken that long for me to digest) - 'Could you live with another ten or twenty years of the frequent breakdowns and irrational and unstable behaviour that has led you to where you are now, and be happy?' - As much as my heart would forgive all just for the chance to feel her warmth back next to me on her side of our bed and to see her smile at me, like there's no one else in the world, when she wakes up... I must say no.

You always seem to loose something of yourself that is so precious and important that there are no real words to describe it. Breakups are funny like that; I slept on my sofa for 2 months because I wasn't comfortable in sleeping in what I still considered to be 'our' bed hahah.

You'll do some weird ****, but that's ok. Get out with your mates, eat good food every day, maybe a spot of exercise (I do a lot of hiking and a little weight training a few times a week). It's all good stuff. I'd also not recommend letting your sleeping get all messed up... spending all night brooding over things is not healthy on so many levels - that's something I still struggle a with from time to time.
You just have to refocus your attention on the good things in life and to follow your head and not your heart for the time being. There's no panacea for how you feel, or for how I feel, or for any of us in times like these. But the sun still rises each morning and it's a beautiful world containing many beautiful people - you're here to see it every day, gratis.


This man speaks sense on many levels.

[AVGWarhawk]

Whatever you do Freiwillige - Dont let the transgressions of one woman spill over into your future relationships. You have to trust in order to develop a bond with your significant other.

I have had a lot of failed relationships... but i learned a valuable lesson from all of them, and they made me - romantically speaking - who i am today. and i credit the lessons from successful and unsuccessful relationships to helping me develop such a wonderful relationship with my wife today!


Wise words and ring true even in my female endevours. Love is one thing...trust is an entirely different playing field.

[Skybird]

Imagine what House would have to say on all this story. You'll feel better immediately. ;)

[Ducimus]

2 more cents if wanted.

Get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of her. Gifts, pictures, letters, whatever. Do not talk to her, do not write, cut all contact completely, and fully. These are items that only aid to dwell on the past, which only leads to more tears.

Do everything to put her out of your mind, but retain the lessons learned, and Focus your mental energy on something else. Job, hobby, outdoor hobbies like hiking, whatever floats your boat. But whatever you do, do not allow yourself to be idle in such a way that you have nothing to do but think about the past. Do not get bored.

[August]

2 more cents if wanted.

Get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of her. Gifts, pictures, letters, whatever. Do not talk to her, do not write, cut all contact completely, and fully. These are items that only aid to dwell on the past, which only leads to more tears.

Do everything to put her out of your mind, but retain the lessons learned, and Focus your mental energy on something else. Job, hobby, outdoor hobbies like hiking, whatever floats your boat. But whatever you do, do not allow yourself to be idle in such a way that you have nothing to do but think about the past. Do not get bored.

Ducimus is wise.

Summertime is here, go have a blast.

[Freiwillige]

Again thanks to all for some very wise advice. Let me tell you where its at now. First off I couldn't eat for two days, I did have half a sub sandwich that I foreced on myself. I broke a record and didn't sleep for 36 hours. Last night I was still in shock and aww mode and wondered to the local bar right around the corner. It was Karaoke night and as I sat there drinking this Girl starts singing this song that hit me like a truck. The lyrics were so exact to my situation that as I listened I broke down.

(You and me used to be together, everyday together always. I really feel Im losing my best friend, Is this really the end. It seems you know, that your letting go and if this is the end I dont want to know. Chorus
Dont speak, I know what your thinking. so please just stop explaining. Dont tell me cause it hurts. Its all ending I have to stop pretending who we are, who we were. You and I, As we die i sit there with my head in my hands and cry) No Doubt-Dont speak

In a bar full of people I couldn't wipe the tears away fast enough and I could have filled another pint easily it seemed. As I pulled it together the girl singing came over and it turns out that her and her boyfriend were the same couple me and Sahra had befriended only three weeks prior at the same bar. She asked where Sahra was and I told her that we weren't together.
They invited me to her table and that was that and things got fun again. I got smashed, we laughed, we talked and I sang a few songs. I got home and fell apart again. And it was the good kind where you just let it all out.
I went thru the four phases Denial, Anger, depression and acceptance.

I woke up this morning a new man and I could see clearly again. I not only understand the letter she sent trying to explain in her own confused manner but shockingly I agree. I now know why she left and I dont blame her. I have no more anger. And the real reason she's gone was founded a long time ago in us. She was frustrated cause she was always finding way's to better herself through school and career changes to end up in a better position in life. I on the otherhand was completely unmotivated to advance myself. I would start studying to get my A+ computer tech certifiacation so I could work in that industry only to get bored two weeks in and give up. She got a second job while I almost gave up or half hazzardly looked for just one. She would go to work and work all night and I would go to the bar and drink all night. She paid for everything, Truck insurance, Beer, Dinner. It was too much and even know she was in love with me and wanted marriage we weren't going anywhere and she felt stuck. I was making money some weeks and making none some months.

She told me two months ago that If I didn't have a job in two weeks she was gone and she stayed because for a short time I tried but fell back into my complacent routine. I think this issue with her and the guy was an out, an escape to do what she didn't have the heart to do. She said in her letter that even though it looks like I left you for him that is not the case. She said that she was talking to him but they were just friends cause she doesn't want to date she wants to focus on her and more schooling and that if she stayed we would have never gotten better.

I do need to work on myself and I see that this relationship even know I love her more than anything was just leaving me complacent and not advancing cause she always took care of me.

I also understand that she may date this guy and that it is infact irrelavant and I am even okay with that. Like I said I know that she's in love with me as much as I am with her but I understand her motives and it gives me more motivation to do for me. I know that we wont talk for sometime and maybe as I believe we will end up together again and married maybe not. But I am okay with it cause I have to let go in order to be the man I need to be for myself and for her or the next girl that comes into my life.

For now I am not going to date, I dont need to and I dont have any desire to. I am only motivated to fix myself and enjoy the company of great friends including all of you. Things are already looking up as my buddy hooked me up with a temp job that if I do well the guy might keep and train me. My buddy makes 80K a year so it could be a career! He also has all the schooling video's his company sends him that cost the comapany 300$ per download. I get to see them for free! So it is all looking up! My friends I am okay and today I can have a smile on my face because I can let go and work on me and the firm belief that down the road me and her may be in the same boat but it will be the bigger deluxe gold plated boat not not this dingy we were floating on and going nowhere.

:yeah:

[Skybird]

Self knowledge is the first precondition for personal improvment. I do not judge wether what you say about her is true, or just a theory of yours. It's enough to know that all this reasoning - especially the reasoning about yourself - is and necessarily must be the basis of your future acting - wether it will be in good or bad is up to you.

"True warriors know the only battlefield where victory counts, lies within them." :) Just a phrase from a TV series. But it is true. ;)

[Schroeder]

Good to see that your mood has finally become better. I wish you luck, endurance and of course success for your "selfchange" program.:DL

[CaptainHaplo]

Take responsibility for yourself - be strong in yourself, and all else will fall into place. Well done my friend.

[raymond6751]

With me, it was my wife. Thank God you didn't get that far.

Nothing anyone can say here will make it feel better.

It feels better to tell someone, though. Let it out. Move on.

[Freiwillige]

Yea admiting my own faults and moving to change them is always good. I hate to play the blame game when alot of the blame falls squarely on my lap.

I to was married once and it was short lived and it destroyed me. In fact that was when my jobless lazy and complacent downward spiral began. Sahra just found me when I was at a low point. She gave me alot of support but I just wasn't ready to face the world and continue moving forward. In fact one of her biggest issues that really bothered her was that I am still married even know I have not seen my wife in several years. She asked me several times to get devorced but I failed to save any money towards that goal because i was busy spending it on what now I realise was wasted time. Bars, toys, computer upgrades etc. I mean I clearly didnt have my priority's straight and I used my failed marriage as another excuse to not push myself forward even know I was long over that marriage.

It is for the best that this happened. I hope to see us together in the future living our dreams but I understand that that is probably not going to happen. I know from many relationships that once they set out to move on their is little you can do but live your life and hope that something down the road, Mutual friends, Memmory's or just coincidence brings you back together again.

I can let her go, and I have. Its like the old saying "If you love someone let them go." Maybe she will be back and for the past few days I was assuring myself that that would be the case but even know I know that she is in love with me their is always somebody to pick up the peices. ANd she has made up her mind about us anyhow. So here is a salute to her and her happiness and a salute to you.

[Reece]

:wah::wah:
Hopefully there is something wonderful just around the corner!:oops: I wish you all the best.:yep:
Cheers.

[Jimbuna]

Positive buoyancy Frei http://www.psionguild.org/forums/images/smilies/wolfsmilies/thumbsup.gif

[GoldenRivet]

If you ever start missing the life of a man with a girlfriend you could always do like this guy did... Craigslist has everything!

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/msr/1737817677.html

[Freiwillige]

That's funny!

[Sailor Steve]

Reminds me of an ad I saw in a local Want Ads paper, a long long time ago:

"Wife says motorcycle goes or she does. Either one $500."

[Platapus]

Reminds me of an ad I saw in a local Want Ads paper, a long long time ago:

"Wife says motorcycle goes or she does. Either one $500."

That would depend on how many have taken a ride on her..... the wife, I mean.

[Sailor Steve]

That would depend on how many have taken a ride on her..... the wife, I mean.
"Only dropped once?"

"Low mileage?"

"Always garaged - never left out in the weather?"

[Platapus]

cylinders re-bored? :D

[GoldenRivet]

That would depend on how many have taken a ride on her..... the wife, I mean.

Doesnt matter...

It doesnt matter how beautiful she is, somewhere there is a man tired of putting up with her sh*t





take the bike HAHAHA

[Jimbuna]

Bikes might growl but they don't talk back!!

[Platapus]

Reminds me of an old joke

How is your wife like your car?

How many times on a cold morning, when you really need it, it won't turn over.


(Crickets chirping)

I think I will go back to writing my paper now.

[GoldenRivet]

2 friends are talking in a bar.

Friend 1: Every time I stay out all night drinking and then go home, i turn off the headlights, kill the engine, coast into the driveway, i take off my shoes and head up stairs where i slowly and silently change out of my clothes into some PJs and i ease into the bed so i dont wake up my wife... and every time she wakes up and rides my ass for the next hour and a half.

Friend 2: Your doing it all wrong man... when I go home i come skidding to a stop in the driveway, i slam open the front door, i run upstairs and go to the bathroom, then i kick off my shoes and strip down to my boxers. Then i bounce into the bed and rub my wife on the ass and say "Hey babe... how about a little tail tonight?!"

she is always sound asleep when i do that.

[Platapus]

That's a good one. I had not heard that one before.:)

[Freiwillige]

Great guys keep em coming! I love that last one.

[gimpy117]

I agree with the rest...dump here...if that's all it takes for her to cheat on you its a bad sign! (there are a lot more jerks with motorcycles out there)

[Sailor Steve]

Q. Why do brides wear white?
A. You want your dishwasher to match the fridge and stove.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Let her cook in the dark.

Sondra Locke: What happened to your wife?
Clint Eastwood: I shot her.
SL: Shot her!?!? Why?
CL: Caught her in bed with my best friend.
SL: Did you shoot him too?
CL: No! He was my best friend.
-from Bronco Billy

A Georgia man is in front of the judge for murdering his wife.

Judge: Beauregard, befo' Ah pass sentence Ah would like to ask one question. Why did you shoot yo' wife and not her lover?
Beauregard: Yo' honah, I deemed it bettah to shoot one woman one time, than to shoot a different man evah night.
Judge: Justifiable homicide! Case dismissed!