Age differences in relationships

[breadcatcher101]

I want to ask you guys something. I am 54 and have a very young lady who shows interest in me as I do her. She is 26. I can do the math and I have already talked with her about the cons of such a thing but she says it is no problem. I mentioned that in 10 years I'll be in my mid 60's--if I live that long and she will still be a very young woman. She insists it is no issue, that she wants to be with me.

My biggest worry here is that I don't want to bog her down in having to care for an old man. She says that is all part of loving some one, which is true.

Part of me says to go to her and part of me says no because I truly care about her and don't want to see her hurt.

What do you guys think?

[Thomen]

While the age difference seems to be 'huge', personally I do not see a problem. You might be fit like a ehm.. racing horse as an old geezer. :yeah:
I would rather say: "Enjoy!" :D

[stabiz]

I call that winning the lottery.:) But seriously, you already know what you will do. Go with what the gut says when you meet her.

[Contact]

I wouldn't trust her words.. Most probably she could be seeking only for a snug and easy life.

[Skybird]

Impossible for everybody here to answer your question, Breadcatcher. Becasue we have no impression of her personality. at 26, a person can alraedy be quite mature. At 26, another person also can still be very unripe. We cannot tell whether or not she really is fully aware of the consequences of her words. When you are young, you tend to simplify or ignore things opposing your most immediate desires. You see things more rosy than they are. And the mid-20s - maybe she is beyond that phase, maybe not. Some people never get past that for all their life. For ylpung people, the horizon is more distant, than for older people. Time is a function of our consciousness: the older we are, the faster it seems to "move".

You must evaluate that yourself: is she aware of what her voiced statements mean in the long run, or is she not. If the first, no need not to accept what she says and so you do like you pleases. If the second, save her from damaging her life, and help her to leave you behind.

Things in life can be pleasant sometimes. But the previous expectations, hopes and imaginations of what they would be, almost always is much nicier. Reality only rarely meets the ideals we imagined.

Sometimes we must not posess a love to learn what it's value is. Sometimes we can learn as much, if not more, by giving it the freedom to stay unbound. And if you think about it: that's what love is about.

;)

[breadcatcher101]

I thank you for your input.

Contact, you raise a very important point. She has no idea of my assets I don't think. We work together both making very meagar wages. I lost a good job the way others have lately and this is all I can find at present, so as far as I know she only knows I am in the same boat as her as far as money. Still, this has been in the back of my mind, just one of the possibilities to be aware of.

Another thing, we are both married--although of course not to eachother.

My wife of 17 years has been hell for me the past 7. She doesn't trust me, thinks I am running around, and during that time we have not been "close". I have always been good to her, have never cheated, never even asked another to lunch yet to contantly get accused of it has caused me to drift away from her throughout the years. I deserve better and after the last time she did that I said to myself the next time I met some one who I have strong feelings for I would let myself go to her. Seven years is a long time to go without being loved, without feeling the touch and tenderness of love.

Presently my 26 year old friend and her husband are apart, his drinking and all she can't stand, stays out at bars all every night. I have asked around and it is fact.

I am not sure, but I think us going out to lunch would be ok. I wouldn't feel guilty about that. When it leads to more--if it does--then I will not go there as long as my wife and I are together. The wedding vows we took I take very real and I am not going to love another in that way until I have my present situation resolved. She drinks, as well, part of the problem, refuses to get help. I drink some, a 6 pack will last me 3 months, a 12 pack last her a night.

I don't look my age, no grey hair and very often I get carded when I buy my wife her beer. Good genes, I suppose.

If anything I sometimes think the only reason she is hanging around is to get all I have should I die, which is considerable. She is the only one in my will as I am in hers but she has nothing of her own.

For my recent birthday my wife gave me $100 of "our" money and told me to buy something I like. She doesn't work, only I do.

My 26 year old friend bought me a Dr. Pepper out of the machine at work although I know it probably set her back.

Somehow that Dr. Pepper meant more than the $100 as she didn't have much to began with. I noticed later in the day she didn't buy her one at break.

Once again, thank you for your ideas and thoughts, I really don't know what lies ahead, but I will go "with what my gut says". It has kept me alive this long.

[Skybird]

Breadcatcher, try to find a person you trust in real life, a friend, or colleague, and share thoughts with him/her on the question that led you here. Obviously there is more to your story than just that woman's age. I think you need a personal contact to clear your mind. A forum is no sufficient surrogate for that. Your life seems to be a bit - complicated, let's put it that way.

Good luck! ;)

[breadcatcher101]

Very good advice, Skybird.

I have no friends I can talk with. I gave them up long ago when my wife and I married. They hit bars all the time and all, no place for a married person.

I do know the forum here is full of sage people which the input I have received has proven.

I will go with what I feel, what lies in my heart. She is very mature for her age and has great care for others, acts like she is in her mid 30's.

Time will tell, I'll keep all of you posted, and just in case any of you wonder, I use Old Spice aftershave lotion!

Thanks again, guys.

Bread

[Skybird]

I have no friends I can talk with. I gave them up long ago when my wife and I married.

That's part of my point, I just did not want to be blunt, and I do not know you and your social living conditions. It seems to me that that woman of 26 - maybe is just the smaller of your current issues. Maybe she is just something like a hint pointing at the real big story in your life that eventually has not so much to do with her at all. Sometimes it needs an earthquake to make people aware that the place they are in is not as solid as they previously thought.

Try to see things from a different angle. A city's profile looks very different if watched from the north and then from the south, and then the West and East. So take a walk, metaphorically, and pick another time of the day than suual when you are walking, so that the light of day is different, too. You may see features in the silhouette you were not aware of before. It could be that maybe you are currently too fixiated on that woman - for the wrong reasons. Maybe romance has not half as much to do with it as you now think.

And if I may say that: consider to consult a counselor specialised on couples and relation issues. Alcohol is a story that only very, very rarely gets told to a good ending by people trying to solve it all by themselves. Find help. Inside yourslef you already know that - that's why you have asked here in this forum, in public.

Now I start sounding like some smartass. I'm sorry. I stop here. Just get up and find another real face to talk to. Start increasing again the number of options available to you. That is key.

[GoldenRivet]

Breadcatcher,

let me share something personal with you...

I have direct experience with this.

When my sister was 22 years old, she left home to be with a man who was 21 years her elder.

at first the age difference seemed not to bother either of them. but...

...it infuriated my father which ultimately diminished the father-daughter relationship they once had into something that would never be the same. (this was nearly a decade ago)

my mother and father were both disappointed in my sister, but they were also divided about how big of a deal it was. My father was infuriated... my mother was just a little upset.

in the grand scheme of things in the end there had been many things which had contributed to my parents divorce... however their inability to agree over my sister's dilemma was the final act in a complex play.

in the mean time, my sister discovered that most "normal", level headed 43 year old men get up in the morning, go to work, stay there until 5 or 6pm and come home, when they get home they are interested in food, drink, perhaps a little TV, and then bed (in that order) because they - being "grown ups" tend to repeat this exact same schedule until weekend when they do recreational activities like fishing, or golf, etc.

she also discovered that most 22 year old girls with an attraction to men 21 years their elder have "daddy issues". not only that, but most 22 year old girls want to go out to the club, hop from bar to bar, and show off their new found "teddy bear" until midnight or later every day of the week.

eventually she discovered that even though she liked the guy, and felt that she wanted to be with him... it wasnt what she thought it would be and they split up.

she went through this cylce with a couple of other older men, each progressively older than the last - each "relationship" ending the same way... being based upon the same things.

so.

1. a straight A honor roll student who was set to graduate with honors with a Bachelors Degree at the top of her class at age 22... put her life on hold, dropping out of college for several years to chase some unattainable ideal - something no more than a fantasy to her.

2. her relationship with her traditionalist father was strained to the breaking point.

3. my parents divorced for many reasons... but the straw that broke the camels back being their inability to agree on the issue of their only daughter dropping out of college to marry a man twice her age.

4. My sister spent nearly 6 years of her life learning a valuable lesson the hard way.

i have always had a little thing i like to say...

"God gave man a Brain and a Penis... unfortunately he only gave man enough blood to use one at a time."

if an 18 year old girl showed up at my door confessing her unending and uncontrollable love for me (I'm 30) I would no doubt be excited... and... my erection would no doubt be firm and ready to rock and roll... hell i could probably break boards with it! but I would have to think of all of the consequences of these actions.

and respectfully decline her offer. ;)

[CastleBravo]

Here is the science.......

May/December Couples Boost Human Lifespan

http://www.livescience.com/health/070917_men_age.html

But life is so short and finding someone with who you have a real connection is so rare, it is a fool who rejects such a mutual attraction.

Go for it and enjoy the love you share for each other!

That is my opinion.

[Takeda Shingen]

Another thing, we are both married--although of course not to eachother.

Well, that just tears it all. End one relationship before starting another.

[porphy]

No real advice here, but from the way you tell the story Breadcatcher, it sounds like both of you live in relationships that you don't really like or that have severe issues (alcohol and lack of expressing love).
The good thing with the two of you meeting might just be that your friendship/affection can get both of you to a new start or a new direction in life, and to change what is not good. But the change does not necessarily mean the two of you as a married couple for the future. That is one way of seeing it at least. I hope you find your way soon.
And as Skybird suggests, do find someone to talk to, simply talking freely over a period about your situation now, and for the last years, sometimes make things more clear for oneself, where thinking in isolation gets you nowhere.

cheers Porphy

[Platapus]

Well, that just tears it all. End one relationship before starting another.

if I may add something

End one relationship
Take some time to fully recover from that relationship
Then you can start to consider another relationship.

It takes a while to get over a relationship. Jumping into another one too soon can cause problems.

[FIREWALL]

Be Carefull. Misery loves company. :yep:

[Rilder]

I say go for her if you can really connect, as I say: "A love is one soul in two bodies" :shucks:

[breadcatcher101]

Yes, I fully intend to reslove my present relationship first, whether she does that to hers is up to her. Then we'll see. Who knows, she might find out the things I enjoy may bore her.

Until that time, we will be just friends.

[Shearwater]

For how long have you known her, and from what situations? I don't know whether I can offer any good advice here, but I think that thinking about that question could perhaps clear things up a little.

A lot of good points have been issued here. Personally, I would say that your first problem is not exactly the age difference. It's more the fact that you don't have a lot of friends, as you have stated. Be careful here.
Imagine you decide to pursue a relationship. If it works fine, then I think it'll be very sweet for you indeed. But if something goes wrong, whom do you have to turn to? From my personal experience I can tell you that a lack of friends (or only being unable to see them for a long while when you need them) can make failure in romantic matters much harder to bear. Also, personal unhapiness is not exactly a good starter. - Do not think about what she can give to you, but think about what you can give to her.

All that said, my advice would still be: Go for it if it feels right for you :sunny:

[breadcatcher101]

We have known each other 5 months, we work at the same place, mostly talk at lunch by our selves.

I understand the need for friends, but look at the replies here. Who says I don't have any?

Anyway, my friends I had mostly would have said "go for it" with only the thrill of having such a younger woman, not the type of advice I would have seeked. You guys have done a much better job than they ever would have.

I the past I have had "true friends" but that has been so long ago, no idea where they are now.

I have to settle things with my present wife first. Next time she flares up for no reason would be the time to call it over for us.

By that time, if my young friend still feels the same way, we'll go from there.

If not, at least I will be free.

[AVGWarhawk]

My wife is 36 and I'm 44. Not quite the gap you are looking at but the difference makes no difference. I briefly read your post and stopped at 'having to take care for me when I'm an old man'. Come on, are you already thinking about that? Go, enjoy a good time with her and forget about what might happen. Be your own man and be in a relationship but still be independent.

I always make fun with my wife, she says I robbed the cradle. I say, no I got someone to push my wheel chair when I'm old and gray. Then I follow it up with, 'I do not care if you get a boyfriend when I'm wheel chair bound. Just feed me, change my drawers if I mess them and keep the drool off my chin.' Screw it, I'm having a great time!:D

[Contact]

My wife is 36 and I'm 44. Not quite the gap you are looking at but the difference makes no difference. I briefly read your post and stopped at 'having to take care for me when I'm an old man'. Come on, are you already thinking about that? Go, enjoy a good time with her and forget about what might happen. Be your own man and be in a relationship but still be independent.

I always make fun with my wife, she says I robbed the cradle. I say, no I got someone to push my wheel chair when I'm old and gray. Then I follow it up with, 'I do not care if you get a boyfriend when I'm wheel chair bound. Just feed me, change my drawers if I mess them and keep the drool off my chin.' Screw it, I'm having a great time!:D

Yeah well the height of the problem depends from your own (easy-going/hard-analysing type) attitude and face values you stand for..

[Contact]

We have known each other 5 months, we work at the same place, mostly talk at lunch by our selves.

I understand the need for friends, but look at the replies here. Who says I don't have any?

Anyway, my friends I had mostly would have said "go for it" with only the thrill of having such a younger woman, not the type of advice I would have seeked. You guys have done a much better job than they ever would have.

I the past I have had "true friends" but that has been so long ago, no idea where they are now.

I have to settle things with my present wife first. Next time she flares up for no reason would be the time to call it over for us.

By that time, if my young friend still feels the same way, we'll go from there.

If not, at least I will be free.


I'm not that BIG expert in family life but I know something important too :)
For relationship to last three vital subjects from both sides are a must: Respect, Friendship and Passion. :yep:

I guess that all these problems that occur from a loooong time together are because there's a lack of refreshing things couples do together. All you need to do yourself or with wife is put the imagination to work and slightly push yourself towards the fruition of idea.

I guess it's something like middle-age crisis that happens to people, but hang in there it will fade away, and you will be thanking yourself later that you didn't do the silly thing with much younger woman. Everyone has to deal with their family problems inside the circle of the family. Good luck :up:

[MothBalls]

Sounds just like a script straight from Jerry Springer.

Let me guess, you both live in trailer parks, have haircuts like Joe Dirt, and your current spouses are cousins you met at a family reunion. Sounds about right. Did I leave out the tattoos and piercings? So you came here looking for what? Approval? Someone to tell you it's OK? Well guess what <swings foot and plants a size 12 bootprint on both your arses>. You're both acting like idiots.

I guess this is where people like Springer and Dr. Phil get their guests. People like you two suffering from cranial-rectal inversion syndrome who don't have the common decency that god gave a goat. It's great that god gave man a brain and a penis. It's a shame he didn't give him enough blood to use both at the same time.

How many people are going to be hurt while you think with your genitalia?

<edit>

I'd suggest you seek professional help and read this. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mid-life_crisis)

[KG_Jag]

Assuming that you are in good ol' USA (or Canada) and/or that there are not major cultural differences from my reference point...

Take care of business at home first. If you don't want to be with your wife, resolving that is #1.

Make sure that she is single too before you consider proceeding. Lots of fish of all ages in the ocean.

If it's still a go (and all of this will put you months if not years down the road), take it slow. There are almost always generational differences with that kind of age gap--can rap co-exist with classic rock?

Let your big head control all major decisions, especially those involving money and property.

Spend enough time with each other to be sure before you even get near a Las Vegas wedding chapel.

[Rilder]

For relationship to last three vital subjects from both sides are a must: Respect, Friendship and Passion. :yep:

Mmm the Passion. :cool:

[Jimbuna]

I don't claim to be an absolute authority on relationships but I would avise you take one small step at a time. Only when you get over the initial attraction and really get to know a person will you be in a position to listen to your mind and your true feelings.

I would definitely end the present relationship though, before considering starting another.

[Jimbuna]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGerK1t3Deo