Brag
08-13-09, 03:44 PM
Lt Fritz Gwitz writes.
In the last chapter we have left the future hero if the Kriegsmarine as a Royal Navy squadron approached. Even Sandokan had not faced such a large force before.
Under the four columns of black smoke dirtying the pristine tropical sky, appeared four ugly warships, each one able to pulverize Balz’s pirahu.
“We’ve got the Green Banana,” Sandokan muttered.
“Save us from the Green Banana,” the pirates whinned.
“Behold, your great leader at work,” Balz assumed his pre-combat heroic pose. “Each one of these ugly smudge pots is nothing but hot smoke.”
“They are Royal Navy smudge pots,” Sandokan said.
Balz grimaced in a heroic way, lit a cigar and scratched his buttocks to stimulate his brain. Never has he been in such totally terrible, terrible, terrifying tangle of trouble. This required fast thinking.
“Bring the pearl coffer on deck,” Balz ordered.
Sandokan’s face had grown ashen. “We can’t bribe our way out of this,”
The British squadron drew close. It consisted of a cruiser two destroyers and a sloop that looked like a destroyer but was not a destroyer because it was a sloop, Balz thought.
A loud hailer boomed, “Heave to and surrender, you pirate scum.”
To relax, Balz counted the guns on the cruiser. It had six six inch guns. He cupped his hands like a loud hailer and his heroic voice reverberated over the sea, “Do you speak Japanese?”
“You effing pirate, surrender before I have you blasted into kingdom come.”
Balz pointed to his left. “Pirates are that way. You have frivolously mistaken us, innocent pearl fishers, for fantastically ferocious fulminating, friendless, frightening frustrating fugitive, fiends.”
“Pearl fishers?” the loud hailer asked.
In his most heroic tone, Balz answered. “Yes, observe, we’ll demonstrate how pearl fishers work.” He turned to his crew. “Pearl team one, get pearls.”
Twenty pirates dove overboard.
“See, that was step one, the pearl dive. When they are on the bottom, they go into step two, the pearl grab. This means they take the pearl because the didn’t have pearls before the dove for pearls, if the had pearls they would not be pearl fishers. Now, here they come.”
In perfect coordination, the divers broke surface together.
“Show pearl!” Balz ordered.
The twenty pirates grinned widely, each one revealing a pearl held by his teeth.
“All right, we will inspect you for contraband, stand by to be boarded.”
Balz observed how the Royal Marines aboard the cruiser lowered whaleboats.
“Now, we are really going to get the Green Banana,” Sandokan said in a shaky voice. “Those Marines are bastards.”
“Cover the guns with gunny sacks,” Balz ordered. He then said to Sandokan, “Out of sight, out of mind.”
“Out of mind is right,” Sandokan answered, “You’re out of your mind, to think the Marines will not look under the gunny sacks.”
“Just observe how the great Balz handles a difficult situation.”
The British marines rowed the two boats across and climbed aboard the pirahu, their rifles ready and bayonets fixed . “You!” The sergeant major pointed at Balz, “Why are you doing wearing a cutlass?”
“It’s for opening oyster shells, your lordship,” Balz said heroically. “See, all our crew wears them. Always ready to open oysters at a moment’s notice. We will demonstrate.” Balz faced his crew. “Prepare to Balz oysters!”
The pirates drew their cutlasses and yelled, “Aaarrgghh.”
“See, always ready for oysters.”
“I see.” The sergeant holstered his revolver. “What’s under those gunny sacks?”
One of the marines pulled a gunny sack aside. “It’s a cannon, Major.”
“Aha!” The sergeant major drew his revolver. “Caught you.”
With a dismissive gesture, Balz said, “Caught what? A cold, a fish, someone bollocking your wife?”
“Don’t you bring my wife into this. This is official business.”
“Official? We’re pearl fishers, nothing official about that.”
“You have a cannon.”
“They have eight cannon,” a corporal who had been snooping under the gunny sacks reported.
“You people understand nothing, nill, zero, nada. Do you speak, Japanese?” Balz shouted while pacing the deck. “These are industrial oyster openers. When an oyster refuses to say ahhh, kaboom, we fix it.”
http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gif
Will Balz convince the Brits of his innocence?
Log in next week for another exciting episode in The Life of Balz.
In the last chapter we have left the future hero if the Kriegsmarine as a Royal Navy squadron approached. Even Sandokan had not faced such a large force before.
Under the four columns of black smoke dirtying the pristine tropical sky, appeared four ugly warships, each one able to pulverize Balz’s pirahu.
“We’ve got the Green Banana,” Sandokan muttered.
“Save us from the Green Banana,” the pirates whinned.
“Behold, your great leader at work,” Balz assumed his pre-combat heroic pose. “Each one of these ugly smudge pots is nothing but hot smoke.”
“They are Royal Navy smudge pots,” Sandokan said.
Balz grimaced in a heroic way, lit a cigar and scratched his buttocks to stimulate his brain. Never has he been in such totally terrible, terrible, terrifying tangle of trouble. This required fast thinking.
“Bring the pearl coffer on deck,” Balz ordered.
Sandokan’s face had grown ashen. “We can’t bribe our way out of this,”
The British squadron drew close. It consisted of a cruiser two destroyers and a sloop that looked like a destroyer but was not a destroyer because it was a sloop, Balz thought.
A loud hailer boomed, “Heave to and surrender, you pirate scum.”
To relax, Balz counted the guns on the cruiser. It had six six inch guns. He cupped his hands like a loud hailer and his heroic voice reverberated over the sea, “Do you speak Japanese?”
“You effing pirate, surrender before I have you blasted into kingdom come.”
Balz pointed to his left. “Pirates are that way. You have frivolously mistaken us, innocent pearl fishers, for fantastically ferocious fulminating, friendless, frightening frustrating fugitive, fiends.”
“Pearl fishers?” the loud hailer asked.
In his most heroic tone, Balz answered. “Yes, observe, we’ll demonstrate how pearl fishers work.” He turned to his crew. “Pearl team one, get pearls.”
Twenty pirates dove overboard.
“See, that was step one, the pearl dive. When they are on the bottom, they go into step two, the pearl grab. This means they take the pearl because the didn’t have pearls before the dove for pearls, if the had pearls they would not be pearl fishers. Now, here they come.”
In perfect coordination, the divers broke surface together.
“Show pearl!” Balz ordered.
The twenty pirates grinned widely, each one revealing a pearl held by his teeth.
“All right, we will inspect you for contraband, stand by to be boarded.”
Balz observed how the Royal Marines aboard the cruiser lowered whaleboats.
“Now, we are really going to get the Green Banana,” Sandokan said in a shaky voice. “Those Marines are bastards.”
“Cover the guns with gunny sacks,” Balz ordered. He then said to Sandokan, “Out of sight, out of mind.”
“Out of mind is right,” Sandokan answered, “You’re out of your mind, to think the Marines will not look under the gunny sacks.”
“Just observe how the great Balz handles a difficult situation.”
The British marines rowed the two boats across and climbed aboard the pirahu, their rifles ready and bayonets fixed . “You!” The sergeant major pointed at Balz, “Why are you doing wearing a cutlass?”
“It’s for opening oyster shells, your lordship,” Balz said heroically. “See, all our crew wears them. Always ready to open oysters at a moment’s notice. We will demonstrate.” Balz faced his crew. “Prepare to Balz oysters!”
The pirates drew their cutlasses and yelled, “Aaarrgghh.”
“See, always ready for oysters.”
“I see.” The sergeant holstered his revolver. “What’s under those gunny sacks?”
One of the marines pulled a gunny sack aside. “It’s a cannon, Major.”
“Aha!” The sergeant major drew his revolver. “Caught you.”
With a dismissive gesture, Balz said, “Caught what? A cold, a fish, someone bollocking your wife?”
“Don’t you bring my wife into this. This is official business.”
“Official? We’re pearl fishers, nothing official about that.”
“You have a cannon.”
“They have eight cannon,” a corporal who had been snooping under the gunny sacks reported.
“You people understand nothing, nill, zero, nada. Do you speak, Japanese?” Balz shouted while pacing the deck. “These are industrial oyster openers. When an oyster refuses to say ahhh, kaboom, we fix it.”
http://img87.imageshack.us/img87/9053/dancewithpiratevi9.gif
Will Balz convince the Brits of his innocence?
Log in next week for another exciting episode in The Life of Balz.