Brag
07-16-09, 01:22 PM
. Lt. Fritz Gwitz writes:
In the last chapter of our heroic biografee, we left Balz in a stickier than high quality sticky glue bad situation. Lord Brooke was blocking the harbour entrance. Like a horde of Indian Army soldiers, the thousands of Indian Army Sepoys advanced from the west, determined to crush our hero.
“This is stickier than a wine bottle label,” Balz said.
“For you, the green banana moment has come,” Pereira said. “I have a season ticket for the hangings.”
“Ha,” Balz answered. “Make yourself comfortable so you can observe the great Balz in action. The great Balz is me, in case you have forgotten.”
Pereira whisled for his servants who brought him a comfortable chair. A bevy of Malay, Chinese and Tonkinese and Siamese girls arrived to make their master comfortable, Two Siamese girls fanned Pereira so that he would remain cool as the action heated up. A Tonkinese woman gave him a pedicure, and A Cantonese woman gave him a foot massage.
“Is this adequate comfort to watch how they hang your hoochie woochie?” Pereira inquired from the comfort of his chair.
“That is very good. Observe how I brilliantly outmaneuver Lord Brooke and his hordes. Your servants may sing Glory to Balz.”
Balz called his pirates who came running from the pirahu wearing tea cozies on their heads and yelled, “Aaaarrrgghh.”
Balz adjusted his white bunny tea cozy, pointed toward town and gave precise instructions. “Pirates with black bunny cozies, go and pick up three drainage tubes. Pirates with chicken tea cozies go to the docks and bring back three rubber bundles. Pirates with ducky cozies, go to the customs house and borrow a fan.”
While the pirates were busy following Balz’s precise orders, a messenger arrived with a message from Lord Brooke.
The message read:
Surrender, you pirate scum.
You will be rewarded with our traditional, complimentary take away pizza dinner promptly delivered to your cell before we hang you by your piratical neck until you say ooghah-oogha just before expiring like yesterday’s ticket to a ballet performance.
Brooke
Governor of Labuan, Sarawak and other such places.
Balz replied:
We, singing and twirling terrible and frightening pirates, find pizza a namby pamby meal. We prefer finger food like greasy pork chops and dead chickens.
Johan Sebastian Balz
PS. To save postage, I may as well ask for the hand of your daughter in this missive.
JSB
This letter shows Balz’s frugal character and his lack of taste for pizza. Since I like pizza this is my only opportunity to write about pizza in this biography. Yes, it is very true, Balz did not like pizza, pizza eating readers may disagree with Balz’s opinion about pizza.
Balz peered over his shoulder. More Sepoys arrived to reinforce the Sepoys who had arrived earlier. This worried him.
The bunny pirates returned with the three drainage pipes, twirled and said, “Aaarrgghh.”
Balz turned to Pereira. “Observe my genius.” He then, pointed at two pipes. “Plug the ends with rubber. These are the positive buoyancy tubes.”
Pereira pointed at the far end of the park where 400 ghurkas marched in to reinforce the 2,000 Sepoys.
Balz assumed a heroic pose and ordered the ducky pirates to cut rubber strips and tie them together.
“Now, stuff tube number three with Pyroxeline, dynamite, and some nitroglycerine. Then tie all tubes together.”
The pirates got busy, yelling, “Aaarrgghh.”
“Install the giant rubber band through tube one and attach to the borrowed fan.”
Seeing his brilliant handy work finished, Balz smiled. “Place the torpedo in the water,” he ordered.
The torpedo floated very nicely, and several pirates began winding the propeller.
They kept winding as the Indian Army band broke into the Clive of India March. The Sepoys, now reinforced by a hundred elephants began to advance.
“It’s green banana time for you,” Pereira said.
“Save us from the green banana,” the pirates wailed.
As usual, when in great peril, Balz improved on his heroic pose. “Never fear, The great Balz has the hoochie-woochie.”
“Torpedo Einz, is ready,” said the chief of the black bunny section.
“Aim, twenty degrees to port. Torpedo Einz—loss!”
The pirates released the torpedo and yelled, “Aaarrgghh.”
The propeller whirled and the torpedo began to move.
Balz started his stopwatch. “Sound man, how is the torpedo running?”
The soundman stuck his ear in the water. “It is running true,” he said.
“Einz, zwei, hoochie woochi," Balz said for the first time in his life.
“We better get on our boat and cast off,” Balz said as the elephants broke into a gallop, heading for the pirahu. Balz knew the elephants would stomp his boat to pieces. If they succeeded, he would end up eating pizza in Brooke’s jail.
Next Week:
The Trap Slams Shut
In the last chapter of our heroic biografee, we left Balz in a stickier than high quality sticky glue bad situation. Lord Brooke was blocking the harbour entrance. Like a horde of Indian Army soldiers, the thousands of Indian Army Sepoys advanced from the west, determined to crush our hero.
“This is stickier than a wine bottle label,” Balz said.
“For you, the green banana moment has come,” Pereira said. “I have a season ticket for the hangings.”
“Ha,” Balz answered. “Make yourself comfortable so you can observe the great Balz in action. The great Balz is me, in case you have forgotten.”
Pereira whisled for his servants who brought him a comfortable chair. A bevy of Malay, Chinese and Tonkinese and Siamese girls arrived to make their master comfortable, Two Siamese girls fanned Pereira so that he would remain cool as the action heated up. A Tonkinese woman gave him a pedicure, and A Cantonese woman gave him a foot massage.
“Is this adequate comfort to watch how they hang your hoochie woochie?” Pereira inquired from the comfort of his chair.
“That is very good. Observe how I brilliantly outmaneuver Lord Brooke and his hordes. Your servants may sing Glory to Balz.”
Balz called his pirates who came running from the pirahu wearing tea cozies on their heads and yelled, “Aaaarrrgghh.”
Balz adjusted his white bunny tea cozy, pointed toward town and gave precise instructions. “Pirates with black bunny cozies, go and pick up three drainage tubes. Pirates with chicken tea cozies go to the docks and bring back three rubber bundles. Pirates with ducky cozies, go to the customs house and borrow a fan.”
While the pirates were busy following Balz’s precise orders, a messenger arrived with a message from Lord Brooke.
The message read:
Surrender, you pirate scum.
You will be rewarded with our traditional, complimentary take away pizza dinner promptly delivered to your cell before we hang you by your piratical neck until you say ooghah-oogha just before expiring like yesterday’s ticket to a ballet performance.
Brooke
Governor of Labuan, Sarawak and other such places.
Balz replied:
We, singing and twirling terrible and frightening pirates, find pizza a namby pamby meal. We prefer finger food like greasy pork chops and dead chickens.
Johan Sebastian Balz
PS. To save postage, I may as well ask for the hand of your daughter in this missive.
JSB
This letter shows Balz’s frugal character and his lack of taste for pizza. Since I like pizza this is my only opportunity to write about pizza in this biography. Yes, it is very true, Balz did not like pizza, pizza eating readers may disagree with Balz’s opinion about pizza.
Balz peered over his shoulder. More Sepoys arrived to reinforce the Sepoys who had arrived earlier. This worried him.
The bunny pirates returned with the three drainage pipes, twirled and said, “Aaarrgghh.”
Balz turned to Pereira. “Observe my genius.” He then, pointed at two pipes. “Plug the ends with rubber. These are the positive buoyancy tubes.”
Pereira pointed at the far end of the park where 400 ghurkas marched in to reinforce the 2,000 Sepoys.
Balz assumed a heroic pose and ordered the ducky pirates to cut rubber strips and tie them together.
“Now, stuff tube number three with Pyroxeline, dynamite, and some nitroglycerine. Then tie all tubes together.”
The pirates got busy, yelling, “Aaarrgghh.”
“Install the giant rubber band through tube one and attach to the borrowed fan.”
Seeing his brilliant handy work finished, Balz smiled. “Place the torpedo in the water,” he ordered.
The torpedo floated very nicely, and several pirates began winding the propeller.
They kept winding as the Indian Army band broke into the Clive of India March. The Sepoys, now reinforced by a hundred elephants began to advance.
“It’s green banana time for you,” Pereira said.
“Save us from the green banana,” the pirates wailed.
As usual, when in great peril, Balz improved on his heroic pose. “Never fear, The great Balz has the hoochie-woochie.”
“Torpedo Einz, is ready,” said the chief of the black bunny section.
“Aim, twenty degrees to port. Torpedo Einz—loss!”
The pirates released the torpedo and yelled, “Aaarrgghh.”
The propeller whirled and the torpedo began to move.
Balz started his stopwatch. “Sound man, how is the torpedo running?”
The soundman stuck his ear in the water. “It is running true,” he said.
“Einz, zwei, hoochie woochi," Balz said for the first time in his life.
“We better get on our boat and cast off,” Balz said as the elephants broke into a gallop, heading for the pirahu. Balz knew the elephants would stomp his boat to pieces. If they succeeded, he would end up eating pizza in Brooke’s jail.
Next Week:
The Trap Slams Shut