SUBMAN1
08-05-08, 09:10 PM
Socialism -- If you have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbor.
Communism -- If you have 2 cows, you give them to the government; and the government gives you some milk.
Fascism -- If you have 2 cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, who then sells you the milk at a high price.
Nazism -- If you have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.
New Dealism -- (FDR Version) If you have 2 cows, you shoot one, milk the other one; then pour the milk down the drain.
Capitalism -- (Reaganomics) If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.
Anarchism -- If you have 2 cows, your neighbor on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.
Utopianism -- If you have 2 cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.
Pure Socialism -- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows.The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism -- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Pure Communism -- You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism -- You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Cambodian Communism -- You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Dictatorship -- You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Bureaucracy -- You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Pure Anarchy -- You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
Surrealism -- You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Corporate exploitation -- You have two cows the corporation leases. You keep them both, force them to produce the milk of four cows due to Corporate projections, then everyone acts surprised when they drop dead. The Corporation moves offshore to do it to chinese cow's.
Leaving you to find other employment.
ENRONISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with the associated general offer so you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report states that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
AMERICAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows using Bioengineered hormones. You lobby an ignorant Congress so as to make sure that you do not have to label your milk products - even if they cross state lines. You are surprised when one cow drops dead, but you work out a deal so that you can sell it to a renderer - and feed it back to your herd. Some of the older second-cycle cows cannot be impregnated - while others deliver twins - that have to killed and sold for pitance as vealers... You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have somemore vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count themagain and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle ofvodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows upand takes over however many cows you really have.
FLORIDA CORPORATIONISM: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATIONISM: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
SOCIAL DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
DEMOCRATIC: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
BUSHISM: Holy Cow! I'm the duly elected president of a nation of sheep who believe anything that the benighted news tells them, such as that my brother was a well-experienced politician - somehow elected to the Governorship of Florida, where due to some specially original voting technology, we cowed the even more specially qualified Vice-President by beating him at creating new means for originating out-of-state voters, with special ties to the war machine - that I am particularly fond of milking, and then turning around and selling them both new parts, new technologies, and fuel to operate them with, while creating not only new jobs, but new historical sound bites as I offend those who worship sacred cows, and feed others my most important product - really prime bull****.
OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
Communism -- If you have 2 cows, you give them to the government; and the government gives you some milk.
Fascism -- If you have 2 cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, who then sells you the milk at a high price.
Nazism -- If you have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.
New Dealism -- (FDR Version) If you have 2 cows, you shoot one, milk the other one; then pour the milk down the drain.
Capitalism -- (Reaganomics) If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.
Anarchism -- If you have 2 cows, your neighbor on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.
Utopianism -- If you have 2 cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.
Pure Socialism -- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows.The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism -- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Pure Communism -- You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism -- You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Cambodian Communism -- You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Dictatorship -- You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Bureaucracy -- You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Pure Anarchy -- You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
Surrealism -- You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Corporate exploitation -- You have two cows the corporation leases. You keep them both, force them to produce the milk of four cows due to Corporate projections, then everyone acts surprised when they drop dead. The Corporation moves offshore to do it to chinese cow's.
Leaving you to find other employment.
ENRONISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with the associated general offer so you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report states that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
AMERICAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows using Bioengineered hormones. You lobby an ignorant Congress so as to make sure that you do not have to label your milk products - even if they cross state lines. You are surprised when one cow drops dead, but you work out a deal so that you can sell it to a renderer - and feed it back to your herd. Some of the older second-cycle cows cannot be impregnated - while others deliver twins - that have to killed and sold for pitance as vealers... You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATIONISM: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have somemore vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count themagain and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle ofvodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows upand takes over however many cows you really have.
FLORIDA CORPORATIONISM: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATIONISM: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
SOCIAL DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
DEMOCRATIC: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
BUSHISM: Holy Cow! I'm the duly elected president of a nation of sheep who believe anything that the benighted news tells them, such as that my brother was a well-experienced politician - somehow elected to the Governorship of Florida, where due to some specially original voting technology, we cowed the even more specially qualified Vice-President by beating him at creating new means for originating out-of-state voters, with special ties to the war machine - that I am particularly fond of milking, and then turning around and selling them both new parts, new technologies, and fuel to operate them with, while creating not only new jobs, but new historical sound bites as I offend those who worship sacred cows, and feed others my most important product - really prime bull****.
OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.