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View Full Version : Sink Balz! (Winston Churchil 21 March 1940)


Brag
07-05-08, 10:41 PM
London, March 1940


"Gentlemen," Winston Churchill paused and looked at each admiral in the eye. "We have to get Balz."

"I agree," Admiral Pope said."

The rest of the admirals gathered in the the Admiralty's conference room nodded.

"Good." Churchil smiled and lit a cigar. "What I'm going to propose is not only daring but it will eliminnate Balz once and for all. Never in the history of naval warfare were so many ships used to sink one German as we will use in Operation Underwaterlord.

The fate of our beaches, of our farms, of our pubs, depend on the success of this operation." Churchill rubbed his hands together and shook with excitement.

"We will invent a man who never was, dump his body outside Wilhelmshaven with a letter to Balz."

Captain Johny Walker, the junior officer present asked, "A letter to that clown?"

Churchill chuckled, "Yes, we will reveal that we're sending the Nelson to Norway and that it will enter the Narvik Fjord on the 13th. of April."

"WE can't do that!" The admirals rose off their chairs as one.

"We can't do that. We must keep the movements of our capital ships secret."

"Hah." Churchil harrumped. "This way we'll know where Balz will be on the 13th. Captain Walker will put together the largest destroyer operation the world has ever seen and he will get Balz. Captain Walker, Get in touch with department GWX immediately and prepare a huge escort operation. Never so many will do so much to destroy so few."
* * *
On board U-45 Kptlt Johan Sebastian Balz broke the seal and read his orders:

BDU has information that a Royal Navy capital ship will enter Narvik fjord on 13 April. After running a diversionary operation on the Skaggerack, you will proceed to Narvik fjord and sink the British battleship. The Fuhrer, the Reich and I expect you to succeed.

Balz gathered his officers at the mess. "Meine Herren, you are lucky to be with the gratest U-boat commander in the Kriegsmarine. After a little warm up, we finally have good intelligence. We will go to Narvik and cover ourselves with glory by sinking a battleship. Even the Bull of Scapa will envy our success!"

* * *
The Nelson looked magestic steaming out of Scapa Flow. What impressed Johny Walker most was the eight destroyers surrounding it in a tight screen. On the bridge of the Cossak, Walker grinned at the commander. "This seems like overkill to me. Never in the history of submarine warfare we've had such a strong escort. Balz is wet toast."

"Aye, Commodore. We'll show those Krauts who rules the waves."

* * *
After sinking two Polish Freighters and a British medium cargo with the deck gun. Balz ordered a north course to proceed with his part of Operation Wesserubung.

Not trusting intelligence information, Balz arrived at the narrowest entrance into Narvik fjord two days early and ran soundings to get the best possible attack conditions. A battleship would have three to four escorts and getting away after that attack would be tricky.

Bernard was kept bussy polishing silverware and greasing torpedoes. Everything was going very nicely. During the las four combat patrols, the crew was performing well. On return to Willi there was a brand new IX waiting for Balz.

At 0001 hrs. of 13 April Balz ordered a sound check dive.
Within hald hour there was a sound contact, two warships, probably destroyers.

"Action stations, silent running," Balz ordered and put on his tea cozy with Mickey Mouse ears on. "Choir, humming stations to humm at my superior marksmanship."

"Heavy warship approaching."

"Herr Kaleun, numerous warships."

"Up periscope." Barelly breaking the surface, Balz examined the approaching ships. "Destroyers, destroyers, destroyers. They are huddling around the Nelson."
"Down scope." Balz flipped his tea cozy backward. Never whave so many destroyers done so much to ruin a Hoochie Woochie."
Balz pre set the periscope to 335 and lowered it. Speed 25 knots, range two thousand meters. spread angle 1.5 degrees, salvo. Flutten Rohrs. einz, zwei, drei, vier."
"You're not going to do your one ship one torpedoe thing?" Bernard asked.
Balz, didn't answer. "Up scope."
The Nelson was in perfect postion. So were the escorts. "Feur, down scope, new depth 150 meters, speed one knot."

U-145 was crossing 25 meters when three explosions racked the battleship.

* * *
"Torpedo running sound." The asdic operator shouted.
"Fix datum point, hard starboard rudder. "
"What the hell?" Johny Walker watched the three columns of water rise next to the battleship.
"Converge on datum, go active on the asdic."
Starshells exploded all over the sky. Searchlights swept the sea.

* * *

Within minutes, pinging came from all directions. Several destroyers passed overhead.

"We have at least eight destroyers, Herr Kaleun."
Even Bernard became quiet. One after another, escorts kept passing overhead. But not releasing depth charge.

Slowly. U-45 gained depth. Heavy pinging came fro all directions but for some reason were unable to get an echo.

Two escorts rumbled overhead. Balz held his breath. They had him bracketed. At least three destroyers stood still--listening. His goose was plucked. If they didn't get him on this pass, the next one would be fatal.

The noise of screws faded.
Depth
32 meters. still, way to shallow. Balz was glad he didn't use his normal fast but noisy dive.

Pinging came from all directions, but the pingers did not have him located.
"Any sounds of the Nelson sinking?"
"Nein, Herr Kaleun. It reduced speed."
More destroyers passed directly overhead.
"What do you make of this, Kalb?"
"Too many destroyers neutralizing each other?"
"Maybe. We have never seen so many accurate passes."
"Here comes another one."
Png. Ping. Ping.
The escort rumbled overhead--nothing.
"This is eerie," Kalb said.
"It's the hoochie woochie and my brilliant divemanship."
"Escorts, leaving area, Herr Kaleun."
Balz glanced at his watch. "Periscope depth."
* * *
Lt. Kalb writes:

We surfaced into a sunny morning, light seas and haze. Balz ordered full speed ahead and we headed east hoping to catch up with a crippled battleship. An hour later we sighted it. Balz ordered decks awash at seven meters. The range kept closin slowly. The battleship increased speed from 7 to 11 knots. It listed slightly to starboard.

There was no way of getting around the huge British warship and we were well within range of its guns. But we were closing in and it seemed like Balz was going to get away with it.
"Open turpedo door."
We were less than two thousand meters from the Brit.
"Go below and check the depth," Balz told me.
I just landed in the Zentralle when there was a horrific bang. All Lights went out. The sound of rushing water came from the forward compartments. Smoke poured from the conning tower.
"Flooding forward compartment, hydrophone destroyed, radio destroyed, engine telegraph does not respond. rudder does not respond."
A cacophony of voices filled the U-boat.
Balz staggered down the ladder. His tea cozy was a scorched, smoking mess. "Periscope depth."
"Controls not responding."
Another shell exploded nearby.
"Bridge crew are all gone." Balz mumbled.
So will we be in a few seconds, I thought.
"Have rudder control."
U-45 began to settle into the sea.
Damage control brought the flooding under control.

That evening we buried at sea our four comrades. The return to Willi was uneventful.

Balz received the oak leaves and swords for his Ritterkreutz. And we all transfered to the U-123.

Brag
07-06-08, 09:55 AM
Nine destroyers after Balz!
http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o207/Braguine/fsscr556.jpg

Penelope_Grey
07-06-08, 10:13 AM
LOL Well Balz... its been nice knowing ya.:up:

UnderseaLcpl
07-06-08, 11:06 AM
LOL Well Balz... its been nice knowing ya.:up:

You make it sound like he died. You should know better.:nope:

Sailor Steve
07-06-08, 11:36 AM
Old Winnie has the wind up his skirts.

Balz is an imaginary fig newton.

Brag
07-06-08, 01:20 PM
LOL Well Balz... its been nice knowing ya.:up:

J.S. Balz writes:

My dear Penelope,

It takes more than a couple of shells from a British battleship to knock out such a heroic fihure as myself. The only damage I suffered is a scorched tea cozy. Could you knit me a replacement? A design with bunnies would be nice.

I would then invite you to my quarters where you could admire my medals and my magnificent personna.

Sincerely,

Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz
Hero of the Kriegsmarine.

GoldenRivet
07-06-08, 01:54 PM
the most striking part of the whole text...

you let bernard grease the torpedoes.

WTF man!!!???

think about that for a second. Bernard + proximity to high explosives = bad

Laufen zum Ziel
07-07-08, 10:33 AM
Balz is wondering.

Why the kind Penelope did not respond to his quarters offer.

How can anyone refuse an offer from the greatest Captain
ever to set sail?????

Frank0001
07-07-08, 01:12 PM
Hahaha great job (as usual/expected) herr Balz! Next time Winston should send another Nelson, but with 12 escorts, hehe :up:

coronas
07-07-08, 02:13 PM
In this way, Balz will be GrossAdmiral soon. :D

Sailor Steve
07-07-08, 07:42 PM
In more ways than one.

Stealth Hunter
07-08-08, 11:48 AM
Nine destroyers after Balz!
http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o207/Braguine/fsscr556.jpg

WEEPIN' JESUS ON THE CROSS...:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

Penelope_Grey
07-08-08, 11:58 AM
Balz is wondering.

Why the kind Penelope did not respond to his quarters offer.

How can anyone refuse an offer from the greatest Captain
ever to set sail?????

Because a GWX Technomage hexed my heart before Balz showed up. ;):/\\k:

STEED
07-08-08, 12:03 PM
Meanwhile some where in Germany.

"Men we have successfully cloned are U-Boat war hero Balz."

:huh:

Penelope_Grey
07-08-08, 12:23 PM
Meanwhile some where in Germany.

"Men we have successfully cloned are U-Boat war hero Balz."

:huh:

Too bad the war will be over long before he is old enough to command a U-Boat. :rotfl:

STEED
07-08-08, 12:28 PM
Meanwhile some where in Germany.

"Men we have successfully cloned are U-Boat war hero Balz."

:huh:

Too bad the war will be over long before he is old enough to command a U-Boat. :rotfl:

Next step growth hormones. :shifty:

Jimbuna
07-08-08, 02:46 PM
Hey, Balz

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/7328/churchillpj8az3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Penelope_Grey
07-08-08, 03:21 PM
Hey, Balz

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/7328/churchillpj8az3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

You got some balls to dare to post a thing like that Jimbuna!! :arrgh!:

STEED
07-08-08, 03:50 PM
Hey, Balz

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/7328/churchillpj8az3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

You got some balls to dare to post a thing like that Jimbuna!! :arrgh!:

Big balls at that. :lol:

Nice one jim. :up:

Penelope_Grey
07-08-08, 03:59 PM
Well if there is a clone... we need to start the BALL rolling and find and destroy this clone.:lol:

Jimbuna
07-08-08, 04:09 PM
http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/goofy2.gif

Brag
07-09-08, 01:22 PM
Well if there is a clone... we need to start the BALL rolling and find and destroy this clone.:lol:

J.S. Balz writes:

Penelope,
How sweet of you. Of course, you only want to admire the original Balz.

xxxxx
Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz
Hero of the Kriegsmarine

Penelope_Grey
07-09-08, 02:55 PM
Well if there is a clone... we need to start the BALL rolling and find and destroy this clone.:lol:
J.S. Balz writes:

Penelope,
How sweet of you. Of course, you only want to admire the original Balz.

xxxxx
Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz
Hero of the Kriegsmarine

So its not "the late" Kpt. Balz just yet then?:lol:

Brag
07-09-08, 05:19 PM
Well if there is a clone... we need to start the BALL rolling and find and destroy this clone.:lol:
J.S. Balz writes:

Penelope,
How sweet of you. Of course, you only want to admire the original Balz.

xxxxx
Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz
Hero of the Kriegsmarine

So its not "the late" Kpt. Balz just yet then?:lol:

J.S. Balz writes:

My dear, sweet Penelope,
Too bad you have missed my triumphal return to Willi. Though U-45 was severly damaged, I got the oakies and the swords you can admire. I also got command of U-123.

I am presently at sea finishing off what's left of the British might. Now, we occupy the French litoral. When I make another glorious return, we can meet in romantic perfection. You will be able to admire me in French.

xxxxx
Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz
Hero of the Kriegsmarine

Frank0001
07-09-08, 05:34 PM
J.S. Balz writes:

My dear, sweet Penelope,
Too bad you have missed my triumphal return to Willi. Though U-45 was severly damaged, I got the oakies and the swords you can admire. I also got command of U-123.

I am presently at sea finishing off what's left of the British might. Now, we occupy the French litoral. When I make another glorious return, we can meet in romantic perfection. You will be able to admire me in French.

xxxxx
Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz
Hero of the Kriegsmarine

This is getting better and better, laughing starts to hurt now :rotfl:
Balz is our Hero, yay! :D

Sailor Steve
07-09-08, 06:38 PM
You know, we all admire Balz for his ability to sink ships, organize singing and dancing, woo damsels and win honor, glory and medals; but I understand he claims his most admirable quality is his almost overwhelming humility.:roll:

Brag
07-10-08, 05:25 PM
Umm, Penelope is enigmatically silent. I wonder if like the original Penelope of The Odisey, she is knitting tea cozies until her hero returns?

Sailor Steve
07-10-08, 09:10 PM
Or plotting with her technomage to put a curse on Balz...

Jimbuna
07-11-08, 01:55 PM
Or plotting with her technomage to put a curse on Balz...

Probably closer to the truth :lol:

NealT
07-12-08, 06:58 AM
Then what did we do to cause her to put a curse (the curse of having Balz in the first place) on us?

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

KeptinCranky
07-12-08, 08:14 AM
I'm sure that wasn't her Idea, Brag came up with Balz all by himself :D

as for Balz being a hero of Odyssean proportions;

The last bit, when Odysseus returns home to Penelope is very messy, he ends up having to slay 40 suitors that are all drooling over her in his absence :doh:

I just wonder how that will be handled in this ongoing saga, or farce or whatever :hmm: :D

Sailor Steve
07-12-08, 11:28 AM
You've got to be kidding. The only woman waiting for Balz is his mother.:rotfl:

Slick Rick
07-12-08, 11:47 AM
You've got to be kidding. The only woman waiting for Balz is his mother.:rotfl: Does she wear a tea cozy also?

Jimbuna
07-12-08, 12:14 PM
You've got to be kidding. The only woman waiting for Balz is his mother.:rotfl: Does she wear a tea cozy also?

Of course she does.

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/997/35040093ox8.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Subtype Zero
07-12-08, 01:48 PM
LOL. If that's Balz' mother, then Balz must be about 9 years old! :o Come to think about it, that explains a lot about Balz, doesn't it? :yep:

Jimbuna
07-12-08, 01:58 PM
Perhaps he just prefers em young ;)

U56
07-12-08, 06:00 PM
That cosy is missing it's Mickey Mouse ears!!!

Frank0001
07-12-08, 07:38 PM
She looks more like one of the many admireres Balz picked up at the railroad station :D

Brag
07-12-08, 09:07 PM
You guys hafta stop. I'm falling off my chair laughing!

Sailor Steve
07-12-08, 09:39 PM
Perhaps he just prefers em young ;)
He prefers his mother young? I didn't know you could do that. Learn something new every day around here.

And quit winking at me. You're starting to make me nervous.

Brag
07-12-08, 10:03 PM
[

And quit winking at me. You're starting to make me nervous.[/quote]

Jimbunaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Jimbuna
07-13-08, 07:27 AM
Did I ever introduce you to Balz father :lol:

http://img182.imageshack.us/img182/9885/42939336kt9.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Frank0001
07-13-08, 09:06 AM
LOL

Although it looks more like Balz himself on a bad hairday....cozyday

Sailor Steve
07-13-08, 10:06 AM
Yes, Johann's father was the legendary Bishop Bernard Bartholomew Balz, best baker of bagels in Berlin.

Jimbuna
07-13-08, 10:25 AM
LMAO :rotfl:

I've just found one of Bernard trying a cozy on for size.

As soon as I get back from visiting my parents ;)

Brag
07-13-08, 02:15 PM
Bwaaa haha!!!
Hey guys stop it! I'm not wearing a seat belt. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Jimbuna
07-13-08, 02:45 PM
LMAO :rotfl:

I've just found one of Bernard trying a cozy on for size.

As soon as I get back from visiting my parents ;)

http://img91.imageshack.us/img91/5996/81381206mv8.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Sailor Steve
07-13-08, 02:49 PM
Jim, wherever it is you get these pictures, I hop I never find myself there. It's scary.

Jimbuna
07-13-08, 02:53 PM
Jim, wherever it is you get these pictures, I hop I never find myself there. It's scary.

Not as scary as being the one with the camera :lol:

Stealth Hunter
07-13-08, 05:20 PM
They're probably attracted to bright colors, shiny objects, and movement. Play dead and remember to soil yourself... they might go away...

Frank0001
07-13-08, 05:30 PM
Avoid eye contact, keep smiling and slowly walk towards the door.

Do NOT give him reasons to take off his cozy! :huh:

Brag
07-13-08, 10:09 PM
is Balz responsible for the world-wide tea cozy fashion super fad? :hmm:

Frank0001
07-14-08, 07:23 AM
Balz sure is the fashion king, even the English started wearing his bowler hat!

Jimbuna
07-14-08, 08:30 AM
Twin brothers :p

http://img521.imageshack.us/img521/5002/25170852vx5.jpg (http://imageshack.us)http://img293.imageshack.us/img293/8562/76824048ab6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Sailor Steve
07-14-08, 08:33 AM
Sorry, Jim - those cats don't look anything alike.

Balz sure is the fashion king, even the English started wearing his bowler hat!
I like a man who knows his history.:up:

Stealth Hunter
07-14-08, 08:36 AM
Twin brothers :p

http://img521.imageshack.us/img521/5002/25170852vx5.jpg (http://imageshack.us)http://img293.imageshack.us/img293/8562/76824048ab6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!:o :o :o :o :o

Jimbuna
07-14-08, 09:49 AM
Twin brothers :p

http://img521.imageshack.us/img521/5002/25170852vx5.jpg (http://imageshack.us)http://img293.imageshack.us/img293/8562/76824048ab6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!:o :o :o :o :o

Theire is absolutely nothing wrong with my family!!! :stare:

Head protection from the cold northern English climate is adviseable :lol:

Frank0001
07-14-08, 11:31 AM
Hahaha this is getting out of hand... :roll:

What was the original topic again? :D

Sailor Steve
07-14-08, 06:50 PM
The OT was Balz, and part of his repertoire is wearing tea cozies. So, not out of hand at all.

NealT
07-14-08, 07:09 PM
Sorry for bringing this up...but I think I have found the source of Balz' tea cozies...

http://romeria1.blogspot.com/2008/03/tea-cosy-headgear.html

I believe Ms. Penelope may be found there as well...but I am not quite sure...

Brag
07-14-08, 11:21 PM
I can't bloody be;ieve it. Too bad I don't have the money to invest in tea cozy stock