Navy Jokes

[kptn_kaiserhof]

ANYBODY GOT SOME NAVY JOKES???



got on for you subsim captns


baby torpedo says to moma torpedo...
why do we go in and out of the tube in peacetime

moma torpedo says... to keep the seamen busy :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Arclight]

The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.”
The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.”

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.”

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.
About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't
mean Khakis!”

Not my own, but still funny. :lol:

[FIREWALL]

The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.”
The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.”

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.”

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.
About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't
mean Khakis!”

Not my own, but still funny. :lol:


:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :up:

[seafarer]

Not mine either:

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of
working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master
Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',
it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number
of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result
doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

[kptn_kaiserhof]

damn rookies

[Sailor Steve]

Not a joke, per se, but a true story.

When my ship got back from Vietnam, my girlfriend was driven to meet me by a friend of hers (also female). There was the usual 'welcome home' stuff - much hugging and kissing. I then gave them a tour of the ship. At one point my girlfriend's friend asked me "What's that big box up there?".

I answered "That's the ASROC housing."

"What's ASROC?"

"Anti-Submarine Rocket." I replied.

"What's an Anti-Submarine Rocket?" She asked.

I was about to give a straight answer when I suddenly thought of a joke I had read as a kid, about submarines and anti-aircraft guns. It was easy to change it in my head, so I told her "We have on board a group of specialists known as the 'Green Paint' Division. When we're driving over a suspected enemy submarine we dump a thousand gallons of green paint in the water. Then we go a couple of miles away and turn our engines off. The submarine thinks we've gone, and comes up for a look around. When he puts his periscope up it gets coated with green paint, and, thinking he's still under water, he keeps coming up. We wait until he's about a thousand feet in the air, and then we shoot him down with an Anti-Submarine Rocket!"

My girlfriend, being a good BS sniffer, was just shaking her head, but her friend actually looked at me with wide eyes and said "Really?"

And that, friends, is my really true-life ASROC story.

[gAiNiAc]

Not a joke, an insult........

When I was a lowly Airman cranking mess a Senior Chief,whom I pissed off, once said to me,

"How would you like it if I ripped your head off and shoved it up your ass so you could watch me butt-f*!k you?!?!?!"

I was then sent to the scullery.........

[gAiNiAc]

Not mine either:

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of
working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master
Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',
it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number
of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result
doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."


Hahaha!

[Pal_080]

A thousand feet in the air...? hahaha does she even know what a submarine is? She must be thinking blimp.

[kptn_kaiserhof]

is your girlfriend's friend a dumb blond??

[Sailor Steve]

is your girlfriend's friend a dumb blond??
As a matter of fact...and with the wonderfully improbable name of Janet Love.

[Doolan]

A guy steps into the recruiting office, willing to join the Navy. The officer asks the usual questions. Eventually, he asks:

- Can you swim?

- What the hell, they don't give us ships?

A few months later, the same guy phones the shipyard:

"Hey guys, the submarine you gave us is a piece of crap. What? No no, it does dive, but it just won't come back up. What? It wasn't a submarine? Well that sorta explains why it took us so long to sink it"

[seafarer]

For some real stories, check out http://www.submarinesailor.com/humor/

Personally, I liked this one

Shark Watch!
by Jimmy Howell, USS Tecumseh, 1984-88

During a swim call off Eleuthra island, the guys inflated a couple of surgical gloves to bat around while swimming. One of these "ballooned gloves" got away from them and drifted about 100-150 yards away from the boat.

The CO who was on the bridge at the time asked the "shark watch" if he thought he could hit the balloon.

With no warning to the swimmers, the watch popped off 5-6 rounds with his M14.

The old saying "Like a Deer in the Headlights" was never better illustrated than by those guys peering at the gunman.

oh, and this one too:

Iceberg, Emergency Deep!
by John Grabarczyk, IC2(SS), USS Shark SSN-591 5/78 - 5/84

Onboard the USS SHARK, off of Andros Island for AUTEC, the XO has the Conn, the CO is standing by, and we're coming to PD. As the scope breaks the XO yells "ICEBERG! EMERGENCY DEEP"!

The CO immediately shouts "Belay That...XO we're in the Caribbean. There are no icebergs here. Let me see that scope".

After looking through the scope he proceeds to check the adjustments, and says "Damn it, XO, you had the scope on high power & full elevation! You're looking at a G**D*** CLOUD"!

[LukeFF]

Iceberg, Emergency Deep!
by John Grabarczyk, IC2(SS), USS Shark SSN-591 5/78 - 5/84

Onboard the USS SHARK, off of Andros Island for AUTEC, the XO has the Conn, the CO is standing by, and we're coming to PD. As the scope breaks the XO yells "ICEBERG! EMERGENCY DEEP"!

The CO immediately shouts "Belay That...XO we're in the Caribbean. There are no icebergs here. Let me see that scope".

After looking through the scope he proceeds to check the adjustments, and says "Damn it, XO, you had the scope on high power & full elevation! You're looking at a G**D*** CLOUD"!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

[sturmer]

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief! The only person that actually works arround here!"

sturmer

[Arclight]

:rotfl:


Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor;

“Why do you want to join the Navy, son?”

“My father said it'd be a good idea, sir.”

“Oh? And what does your father do?”

“He's in the Army, sir."

[sturmer]

sorry for offending any person male or female on this forum. so i deleted this post of myself.

sturmer

[LukeFF]

those are some good jokes mates.

Top Ten ways to tell you're gonna have a rough time in the NAVY if you're a woman.

Not really appropriate for this forum... :nope:

[sturmer]

can you perhaps explain to me why not? instead of just apply negative comments on my posts?
is that offensive? sry if i insulted someone or that i misunderstood.
its just for a good laugh that i post them.

sturmer

[LukeFF]

can you perhaps explain to me why not? instead of just apply negative comments on my posts?
is that offensive? sry if i insulted someone or that i misunderstood.
its just for a good laugh that i post them.

Hello? Do I really need to explain what jokes in that list are not chauvinistic and offensive towards women? Not to mention not everyone wants to read that type of humor on a board like this?

[Nuc]

Desk jockey four striper is riding a diesel boat on sea trials. He is in the conning tower and looks down to see the diving officer sitting behind the planesmen on a tool bench. He shouts down through the hatch "On your feet mister!" The diving officer jumps up and responds "One hundred feet, aye sir". The four striper immediately counters with "negative, mister." to which the diving officer responds "use negative, aye".

Don't know if it is a true story, but I can just see it happening.

[UnderseaLcpl]

can you perhaps explain to me why not? instead of just apply negative comments on my posts?
is that offensive? sry if i insulted someone or that i misunderstood.
its just for a good laugh that i post them.

Hello? Do I really need to explain what jokes in that list are not chauvinistic and offensive towards women? Not to mention not everyone wants to read that type of humor on a board like this?

For St. Peter's sake PLEASE read the whole post

Ok, at the risk of ruining my reputation (if I have one) on this forum, I dare posit the following. Please be merciful

As a combat veteran who has served with female U.S. soldiers and Marines, I have the same respect for them as I do my male comrades. That being said, I find intolerable the idea that a female member of any armed forces would take offence at jokes being made because of their gender. Men and women are EQUAL, but different. There certainly is no gender that is superior to the other, but to be equal means enjoying the same benefits and enduring the same drawbacks. The jokes and remarks that have been made to me during my service would get me banned from this forum (and possibly the internet if the right people read it, or maybe arrested) so I will not mention them. Nonetheless, there is an understanding amongst servicemembers that a certain amount of harrasment is due them simply because of the nature of the military. Many of the worst insults ever directed against me were from young men I would die for. The relationship is like that one has with sibling (of either gender). You may tease and provoke them many times but NEVER would it impact your.... for lack of a better word love for them. Personally I find the idea of a person of any race or gender (certainly to include caucasian males like myself) desiring to be excluded from this universal ostraciziastion (sp?) virtually elitist. If the female ( or whomever) next to me can die from the same bullet that might have killed me, what makes us unequal? What, exactly makes that person less or more deserving to endure the visiccitudes (sp again?) of harsh fate? Nothing! Just as any man or woman, indeed any person who offers up their lives in service of their country and all it means to them, should not be dishonored by a lesser status amongst their comrades, neither should any of the same be given a priveledged status.

A final, personal, note; Female Marines ( or soldiers or aircrew or sailors) burn just as horribly as any of their compatriots be they black or brown or white or of a foreign nationality or whatever. To place them upon the pedestal of their predecessors because they are women is just as chauvanistic ( I'm sure I can't spell now) as according them a lesser status in society.

They may not carry as much on their back (which is a genetic limitation that is no fault of their own) they may not be able to stay in the field as long due to unique problems of feminine hygene (again no fault of their own) indeed they may not be able to fight in close combat as effectively as their male counterparts, but they are god damn well capable of fighting and dying as well as anyone! To assume that any comments or jokes related to their gender are more offensive than those endured by any serviceman seems an insult to me.

Ok, I think I have gone far enough with this so I will close here. But I beg to remind everyone that these fighting women are not just women, they are soldiers, they are sailors and they are Marines!

edit: my spelling is uncharacteristically poor in this post, I am sorry.

[Sailor Steve]

CHAIN OF COMMAND:

Again, if I hadn't been there I wouldn't credit this myself, so I won't blame you if you don't.

On our destroyer it was a regular ocurrance that someone would break the lock on the cook's pantry and steal that day's box of doughnuts. One day the swag ended up in our radio room. I was on duty when our RM1 came in, saw the doughnuts and grabbed one. As he left he said "The cooks are a little unhappy about the stolen doughnuts, and the Chief is on the prowl. I'm not gonna say anything, but don't let him catch you with these.

Not five minutes later our Chief Radioman came in, and, rather than yell at us, took a doughnut and warned us: "Mr. Adell (the Communications Officer) is out and about, and you probably don't want him to catch you with those."

Not long after, Lt. Adell came in, saw the doughnuts, and asked if he could have one. Officers can't just take from enlisted men - they have to ask first. We said sure, be our guest, and as he was leaving he said "Mr. Anderson (the Operations Officer) is headed this way. You might want to hide those. We nodded politely and went about our business.

Sure enough, Lt. Anderson was not far behind, and of course he asked for a doughnut and gave us a warning: the Captain himself was out looking around, and if he caught us we could be in serious trouble.

Next, right on schedule, it was the Captain's turn. After going through the same procedure of asking for a doughnut, he warned us: "Your chief is a real stickler for regulations. I wouldn't let him catch you with those if I were you." We all said "Oh, no sir. We'll be careful."

Since it went so perfectly up the chain of command, and since none of the bogeymen actually punished us, I still wonder if it just happened that way or if RM1 Brown told the Chief and they all came along on purpose, just setting us up and nabbing a free doughnut.

[UnderseaLcpl]

CHAIN OF COMMAND:

Again, if I hadn't been there I wouldn't credit this myself, so I won't blame you if you don't.

On our destroyer it was a regular ocurrance that someone would break the lock on the cook's pantry and steal that day's box of doughnuts. One day the swag ended up in our radio room. I was on duty when our RM1 came in, saw the doughnuts and grabbed one. As he left he said "The cooks are a little unhappy about the stolen doughnuts, and the Chief is on the prowl. I'm not gonna say anything, but don't let him catch you with these.

Not five minutes later our Chief Radioman came in, and, rather than yell at us, took a doughnut and warned us: "Mr. Adell (the Communications Officer) is out and about, and you probably don't want him to catch you with those."

Not long after, Lt. Adell came in, saw the doughnuts, and asked if he could have one. Officers can't just take from enlisted men - they have to ask first. We said sure, be our guest, and as he was leaving he said "Mr. Anderson (the Operations Officer) is headed this way. You might want to hide those. We nodded politely and went about our business.

Sure enough, Lt. Anderson was not far behind, and of course he asked for a doughnut and gave us a warning: the Captain himself was out looking around, and if he caught us we could be in serious trouble.

Next, right on schedule, it was the Captain's turn. After going through the same procedure of asking for a doughnut, he warned us: "Your chief is a real stickler for regulations. I wouldn't let him catch you with those if I were you." We all said "Oh, no sir. We'll be careful."

Since it went so perfectly up the chain of command, and since none of the bogeymen actually punished us, I still wonder if it just happened that way or if RM1 Brown told the Chief and they all came along on purpose, just setting us up and nabbing a free doughnut.

LMFAO
U sir, have exactly what it takes to be a Marine!

[Arclight]

Can't compete with the true stories ofcourse, good stuff, but it's not gonna stop me from trying. ;)



The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. "A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits", he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw, so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?", he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"

The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.

[Sailor Steve]

Can't compete with the true stories ofcourse, good stuff, but it's not gonna stop me from trying. ;)
That's a great story!:rock: And it sounds true enough that it probably came from somewhere real.

Also, how do you know mine are true? Because I said so?:rotfl:

Q: What's the difference between a war story and a fairy tale?
A: A fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." and a war story starts with "No $#!+, there I was!"

There are a lot of great stories out there.

[UnderseaLcpl]

Also, how do you know mine are true? Because I said so?:rotfl:

A: A fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." and a war story starts with "No $#!+, there I was!"

There are a lot of great stories out there.

1) If you cant trust Sailor Steve who can you trust?
2) In the Corps we have a much ruder prerequisite opening with sexual connotations that I will not mention here.
3) Very true. Too bad some hollywood hack takes the really incredible and often funny true stories and gives us crap like U-571.

[Arclight]

Ah, just couldn't resist digging this one up;



The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young naval student:

“What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?”
“I'd throw out an anchor, sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“I'd... throw out another anchor, sir.”
“But what if a third storm sprang up forward?”
“I'd throw out another anchor, captain.”
“Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?”
“From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir.”