Balz gets New Boat--Balz is Back, Balz is Back

[Brag]

Seeming that it would cost me a few bucks I can't afford to fix Balz's career. I petitioned BDU to give Balz U-104 and a new crew.

Lorient 01 October 1940

I was removing a dirty ashtray from the admiral's desk. Doenitz looked at me and asked, "What's that noise coming from the docks?"
"That's Balz auditioning his new crew, Herr Admiral," I answered and placed a clean ashtray in front of him.
"Auditioning?"
"He has two tenors and is looking for a third one."
"He told me he was doing some preliminary acoustics research. A very scientific chap."
"Yes, he says the acoustics in a type IXB are better for his choir."

02 October 1940

"What's that noise?" Admiral Doenitz asked me.
"U-104 is back," I explained.
"But they just left."
"Balz says he needs working up. His choir is not yet ready to sing under combat conditions."

02 November 1940

"Is that Balz again?" The good admiral crushed his cigar in a clean ashtray.
"Yes mein Herr, His choir is drowning out the band at the dock."
"What are they singing?"
"We'll be right back Hoochie-woochie."
When is that Balz going to put to sea and be more agressive?"
"He says by the first of January, his crew will be able to twirl and sing under attack."
The phone rang. The admiral lifted it and said, "Hoochie-woochie, I mean Alo."

[Rotary Crewman]

Noooooooooo! http://tdsfl.org/forums/images/smilies/set1/scared.gif

[Sailor Steve]

As a famous philosopher once said: "Wellllllllll, doggies!"

[fat jez]

OK, you really got me laughing that time, Brag :up:

Cheers,
Stephen

[Hanomag]

:rock: Balzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

Quit circling the seaport and get underway!!! :arrgh!:

[Fenris_Wolf]

We'll be right back Hoochie-woochie

:rotfl:

Herr Balz...

As a fan and admirer, I must ask you to post the lyrics of

"We'll be right back Hoochie-woochie"

Or perhaps a recording of a performance, if I can be so fortunate.

:up: :arrgh!: :up:

[Graf Paper]

Balz is back?

http://static3.filefront.com/images/personal/g/GrafPaper/128692/zgaushbcoe.jpg
Party at the O-club!!

http://static3.filefront.com/images/personal/g/GrafPaper/128692/oywscsyavn.jpg
Long live Balz!

At least now I know my eyes weren't playing tricks on me as my boat was casting off for our next patrol. That must have been Balz's new choir candidates boarding his shiny new u-boat...

http://static3.filefront.com/images/personal/g/GrafPaper/128692/wubgtprotp.jpg


Weclome back, Herr Kaleun! ;)

[Tango589]

Big up the hoochie-woochie!:up:

[Jimbuna]

For the love of God!!!! :damn: :damn: :damn:

http://img246.imageshack.us/img246/5888/smileyfactoryxl1.gif (http://imageshack.us)

[papa_smurf]

And theres me thinking that Herr Balz's career was over................

[Brag]

J.S. Balz writes:

To all my Kamaraden Kaleuns,
Do not despair. As soon as my crew is ready, I will put out to sea and sweep British Shipping off the face of the Atlantic. Thanks to my most effective talent, You will be able to relax on deck chairs and drink beer to my health. When Balz is around, the British tremble. They know that their doom is near when a great Teutonic hero such as myself prowls the sealanes.

Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz.

[STEED]

From The Royal Navy

To Balz


Your a big girls blouse you sissy. :p

Bring in on peewee, are guns will blow you into next week. :p :p

[Jimbuna]

J.S. Balz writes:

To all my Kamaraden Kaleuns,
Do not despair. As soon as my crew is ready, I will put out to sea and sweep British Shipping off the face of the Atlantic. Thanks to my most effective talent, You will be able to relax on deck chairs and drink beer to my health. When Balz is around, the British tremble. They know that their doom is near when a great Teutonic hero such as myself prowls the sealanes.

Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz.

We are pis*ng ourselves http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/pirate_with_bottle_of_rum_lg_blk.gif

[NealT]

I have someone who wants to audition...

His name is Adam and he is just the bomb!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

[sunvalleyslim]

AHHHHHHHHHH....The Great Balz of Fire is back...............:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Brag]

http://static3.filefront.com/images/personal/g/GrafPaper/128692/zgaushbcoe.jpg
This is the party during which someone stole Balz's medals. :stare:

[Graf Paper]

Well, you did have a lot to drink at the party. :dead:

Maybe you shouldn't mix large amounts of schnapps with seedy frauleins.:doh:

By the way, BdU was not amused the next morning when he walked into his office to discover all the curtains had been replaced with several pairs of underwear.

His comment: "I would be less upset if the new "curtains" had been laundered first!"

[Brag]

OFz.S. Hageman writes:

03 January 1941

"My medals, where are my medals? I can't sail without my medals." Our commander raged pacing around the Zentrale. It was already past midnight and well-wishers were gathering at the dock. Three months of intensive training and our captain lost his cool.

I am pretty sure Jeanette stole Balz's medals during the huge and wild New Year's eve party.

Balz stopped his pacing. "And who stole my tea cozy? I can't go into combat without it."

Bernard came in from the galley and brought in a soaken wet tea cozy. "I thought it was a coffee filter."

"Give me that, you oaf." Balz grabbed the tea cozy and placed it on his head. Coffee poured down his neck, around his ears, and over his eyes. "That feels better. One must have the hoochie woochies to sail into the path of the enemy and perform heroic deeds. Maneuvering stations!"

At 0303 of 03 January we cast off and headed out of the Keremel docks in Port St. Luis. The numerolgy of the first logbook entry promised an unusual patrol. The crew lined up on the after deck singing the We Will Return Hoochie-woochie and doing the famous Balz twirl. Balz vigorously waved his tea cozy and covered me with coffee grounds.

[Sailor Steve]

And where was Kalb during all of this frivolity?

[Brag]

Kalb is now in the Command School in Flensburg, training to get his own boat.

[Sailor Steve]

Got out while the getting was good, eh? Lucky man.

"We have words for men like you."

"Coward, sir?"

"No. Genius."

[Brag]

From The Royal Navy

To Balz


Your a big girls blouse you sissy. :p

Bring in on peewee, are guns will blow you into next week. :p :p

J.S. Balz writes:

To the Royal Navy
03 January 1941
At sea.

Much esteemed gentlemen,
You should feel honoured to have such a superb antagonist as myself. I have just put out to sea and will sweep your sealanes clean of the rustbuckets you call your merchant navy. With my great sense of kindness, consideration and respect, I politely request that you surrender immediately.

In your letter of surrender to the Fuhrer, please mention that you would like me to be your governor. Please make arrangements with Buck House to prepare one of the guest rooms for me. I no longer drink coffee. As a gesture of good will you could send me a tea cozy with the portrait of King George.

You can tell his Majesty that my choir will be happy to perform the hoochie-woochie in Albert Hall.

Sincerely,

Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz

[Sailor Steve]

"Was it encoded?"

"No, my lord, it was an open transmission, ostensibly from a German submarine."

"What do you make of it?"

"Make of it, my lord?"

"I didn't get to be First Sea Lord by falling for boyhood tricks! This has to mean something!"

"My lord, perhaps the First Lord of the Admiralty..."

"He's a bloody politician! All he can do is take it to the PM. Damn it, if we don't figure out what this is about, it could cost me my career!"

"My lord, perhaps if we..."

"Do you have any idea who this Balz character is?"

"We've had our best people on it all day, sir. Apparently he's just some low ranking officer in Doenitz's submarine corps."

"Apparently doesn't cut it, Sir Keith. He must be some kind of plant. maybe they're trying to negotiate some kind of peace settlement."

"I don't think so, my lord. Maybe this "Balz" is a wild card, trying to work his way around their war effort."

"So you think he might want to defect to our side? Bring us a u-boat as a token of sincerity?"

"Possibly, sir; but I still think it's some kind of trick."

"Well, get your people on it, Sir Keith. We have to find out what this means."

"Yes, sir. Right away, sir."

"Oh, and Sir Keith?"

"Sir?"

"Have you seen my tea cozy anywhere? I can't think without it."

[Jimbuna]

Damn !!.....it's coming in duplicate now http://imgcash2.imageshack.us/img134/9742/angry8se2.gif

But bloody funny, and entertaining at the same time http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/3060/gigglebigtb9.gif

[Brag]

Steve,
Great punch line, caught me below the belt. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[NealT]

[Hope I am not intruding...]

First Sea Lord
The Admiralty
London

TO: JS Balz

SUBJECT: Your Message of 3 January 1941

After much discussion, it has been decided to accept your offer and invitation to surrender but only from you personally - that is in person. It is requested that you sail on the surface up the Thames River in broad daylight with your flag waving smartly so that we know you are coming and can prepare you a proper British welcome.

I regret to inform you that there is no room in Buck House. However, we have made special arrangements in one of our other historic resting places. We have a Tower reserved in the middle of London just for you. Further, we have decided that there is sufficient space available to accommodate all of your officers and enlisted men as well. We might even be able to arrange for you to become a permanent resident in this historic place.

Sadly, there is a war on and we have a shortage of tea cozies. However, if you will radio us with your coordinates and when you plan on surfacing for some fresh air, and as a gesture of our good will and as a good faith effort, we will be happy to send an airplane over to drop one on you.

It will be necessary for you and your troop to audition before presenting His Majesty with your offer of singing in Albert Hall. The war and all you know. We must still adhere to our strict standards.

Should you have any further questions, do not hesitate to ask. We anxiously await your arrival.

Cheerio!

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl:
Nice addition!
:rock:

[fat jez]

I loved the double entendres in there and the "cheerio" at the end - it sounds so 40's British English. nice post, NealT! :up:


Cheers,
Stephen

[Brag]

Of.z.S. Hageman writes:

03 January 1941
at 1500 hours we steamed in calm seas 210 kilometers West of Lorient. The forward starboard lookout reported a ship sighted. Through my binoculars I studied a small warship about 4,000 meters away, heading toward us. "Shall we dive?" I asked Balz.
"Not yet."
I spotted another ship a bit further away.
Two more warships appeared, all heading toward us.
"W're gonna die, we're gonna die," Bernard screeched.
"Very good," Balz said. "Perhaps you will be good enough to do a solo performance." He then added, "Bring my tea cozy to the bridge. Hoochie woochie singers on deck."
With the hoochie woochies singing and twirling, Balz waved his tea cozy at the ships, which had closed to 1,000 meters and we could clearly see they were German gunboats.

"Message from British Admiralty," Funker shouted from below.
"Einz, zwei, hoochie-woochie." Balz went below to read the message.

[Brag]

My dear Admiral,

I behalf of my crew I want to thank you for your gracious offer of hospitality.
Please let me know when you have finished dredging the Thames estuary and River to 200 meters.

In the meantime, I will send you our advance man, Bernard, who will join the next batch of wretched survivors of my nautical depredations.

You will be hearing about our hoochie-woochie boom-booms quite soon.

Your devoted hero of the Kriegsmarine,

Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz

[U-104]

"BDU to give Balz U-104 and a new crew."

why what did i do to deserve this?:rotfl::rotfl:

[Sailor Steve]

You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

We'll place flowers.

[Brag]

Of.z.S. Hageman writes:
06 January 1941

The previous night we saw two American tankers lit up like St.Pauli bei Nacht. The watch on those ships would have been indignant if they saw the indecent gestures we made.

Frustrated we carried on toward our assigned grid SSE of Greenland.

Shortly after sunset, U-104 Rumbled along at 8 knots on a calm sea.
"Our first kill is going to be tanker tonight," Balz said when the navigator got finished making the evening star shots. "Periscope depth."

After dinner, we sat in the officers' nook practing Balz's Rule of One (One ship, one torpedo. One glass of wine during dinner. One cognac after dinner). The soundman announced, Freighter,fast, nearing."

Balz took a sip of his cognac. "New heading 330, give us turns for six knots."
I went to the chart table. The relative bearing of the target remained constant, I wondered how Balz got our intercept heading right without leaving his corner seat.

"Let me know when that tanker is two thousand meters from us."
"Herr Kaleun, how do you know it's a tanker?"
"I am just great, not perfect, but great. And we are crossing Tanker Alley. We will break the rule of one by sinking it with the deck gun. But being hoochie woochie we'll call it one gun one ship."

Balz placed his tea cozy on his head and we surfaced. The first shell set the ship ablaze, revealing it was small tanker. It took 16 shells to put out the floating bonfire by sinking it.

The singing twirlers mustered on the after deck and sang the Hoochie-woochie boom-boom song. http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/1807/dancewithpiratekm4.gif

We resumed our course to the patrol area.
(smileys pilfered from Jimbuna)

[Foghladh_mhara]

With heroes such as Balz it is a wonder how the war was ever lost :hmm:

Although I must say my own particular hero Kptlt. Peter Wulf, whilst less vulgar but quite adept at sinking allied tonnage once he got over that embarassing problem of firing a full spread of torpedoes at convoys and then hiding under the chart table, may well equal the crass Herr Balz in the tonnage war. The gauntlet has been produced Sir and not only slapped across the cheek but also stuffed down ones neck. U-98 will survive and triumph. Only 4 years to go

[Brag]

J.S. Balz writes:

My dear Wulf,
With people like me in the Kriesmarine the British empire is doomed (doom de doom, hoochie woochie). You don't need to fear another 4 years. together we'll ton them down.

My Choir's tonality together with my skilful tonnage, will continue to inspire you to fight perfidous Albion.

Good hunting, Herr Kaleun. Victory is ours.

Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz.