Jokes To Offend Everyone [Archive] - SUBSIM Radio Room Forums

SUBMAN1

01-28-08, 11:25 PM

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the *****s on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time .." -
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

SUBMAN1

01-28-08, 11:33 PM

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting
him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is
that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was
very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck
shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to
your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your
brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
p*ss in your eye"

SUBMAN1

01-28-08, 11:38 PM

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

SUBMAN1

01-28-08, 11:39 PM

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

SUBMAN1

01-28-08, 11:42 PM

Some more for us who are aging gracefully! :D

-S

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Sailor Steve

01-29-08, 12:11 AM

How are men and linoleum alike?

Lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the next ten years.

antikristuseke

01-29-08, 04:04 AM

What does American beer and sex in a canoe have in common?

It's f'in close to water.

HunterICX

01-29-08, 04:36 AM

:lol: there are really some good ones in there :up:

HunterICX

Fish

01-29-08, 06:01 AM

An old man is standing at heaven gates, and Peter is asking what he did on earth during his live.
Wel, sayd the old man, I was just a poor carpenter.
Hmmm sayd Peter?
Oh , but I have a world famous son the old mand sayd enthusiastic!
Peter is staring in onbelieve at the man and shout over his shoulder Jesus, there is a old carpenter here who had a famous son while on earth.
Jesus rushes to the gate, shouting 'FATHER'.

The old man: PINOKIO!

Reece

01-29-08, 06:36 AM

:lol: there are really some good ones in there :up:
Yes ... and some are really bad!!:yep::lol:

Kapitan_Phillips

01-29-08, 07:11 AM

How do you know you've been burgled by a Chinese man?

When you wake up in the morning, your homework has been done, your computer upgraded, and he's still trying to back out of the driveway :lol:

kiwi_2005

01-29-08, 07:49 AM

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

:rotfl::rotfl:

Marcantilan

01-29-08, 08:26 AM

A really old man mets an old lady in a retirement house.

They enjoyed each other´s company very much, and one day, the man proposed to the woman: well, our time to sex passed long time ago, but we can still sit together in the garden, and you can put your hand in my "flute".

The woman agreed, and they spent so many "sexy" afternoons in the garden.

But, one day, she saw her "boyfriend" with another woman, and that woman had her hand on him!!

So she confronted the man:

- So tell me, is she better than me? What she has that I don´t?

The old man smiled, and then replied:

- Parkinson...

Kapitan_Phillips

01-29-08, 10:48 AM

Jimbuna

01-29-08, 03:04 PM

A survey was recently conducted into why men enjoy blow jobs so much.

- 10% said they liked the physical feeling.

- 12% said they liked the dominance.

- 78% said they liked the 20 minutes of fu*king silence.

Jimbuna

01-29-08, 03:07 PM

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

SUBMAN1

01-29-08, 03:07 PM

Jimbuna

01-29-08, 03:14 PM

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

Oi whats your disability?

I said "Tourettes, you fuc*ing cu*t!"

StdDev

01-29-08, 03:59 PM

A redhead & a blonde pass a flower shop as the redhead spots her fella buying flowers.

Redhead says "Oh damnit, he always has expectations after buying me flowers.
I don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air".

The blonde says ..."Don't you have a vase"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend
Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
replied Rosita

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."*

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Scots, the best man Archie and the groom Jock are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Ach, it's all going to be grand", says Jock. "I've everything organized already, the flowers, the church, the cards, the reception, the rings, the minister, and you've taken care of ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continued Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw; you'll look pure deed smart in that!"

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white....."

Jimbuna

01-29-08, 04:50 PM

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

SUBMAN1

01-29-08, 04:59 PM

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Jimbuna

01-29-08, 05:19 PM

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

'Is there a problem Officer?'

The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

'You don't have one?'

The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

The policeman says, 'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'

Kapitan_Phillips

01-29-08, 05:21 PM

President Bush was giving a speech in a Cornish Primary School one day, infront of a hundred or so children. Bush comes in surrounded by security and steps to the front, and says:

"Okay, before we begin, are there any questions you'd like to ask me?"

A little boy put his hand up in the front row.

"Yes sir, Mr President, my name is Billy and I have two questions. Why is it you're president of the United States when Mr Gore had more votes than you did, and where is Bin Laden?"

And with that, the school bell went for lunch, and all the children filed out to eat. An hour later, they reconvened, and once again, George Bush asks:

"Are there any other questions before we begin?"

And another boy puts up his hand.

"Yes sir, Mr President, I have four questions. Why is it you're president of the United States when Mr Gore had more votes than you did, Where is Bin Laden, Why did the school bell go twenty minutes early today, and where is Billy?"

:D

Stealth Hunter

01-29-08, 05:22 PM

What do you call 100 white men running down a hill? Avalanche
What do you call 100 black men running down a hill? Mudslide
What do you call 100 mexicans running down a hill? Jailbreak!

Stealth Hunter

01-29-08, 08:21 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7qKD-Ph7ds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HIavxnUHls

yo moma is so fat

01-29-08, 11:03 PM

Yo moma is so stupid she sold the car for gas money.

Yo moma is so fat she plays pool with the planets!

Jimbuna

01-30-08, 07:47 AM

While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait.

The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short"?

To which I replied. "I'm late for work"

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman was surprised and confused. "A what"

"A rectum stretcher"

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet"

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously. "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge..."

antikristuseke

01-30-08, 02:17 PM

SUBMAN1

01-30-08, 03:17 PM

What does American beer and sex in a canoe have in common?

It's f'in close to water.That is funny (I can't believe they call Budweiser beer)! Our Microbrews however will make your European beer look water however!

Try this one next time you get a chance - http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/dogfish-head-120-minute-ipa/22904/

I dare you to come back with something to compete with that! :up:

-S
I'll have to admit 21% alcohol by volume in beer is damn impressive, here the strongest that is brewed is 12% by volume, but those beers taste ****ty. I will give this one a go when i get the chanse though, thanks for the link.Try Aventinus Eisbock. SHould be easy to find over there. That is stronger at about 12.4% or there bouts. I like that beer, but you'll get tanked off it pretty quick. It is not a quick drinking beer though - that might taste bad if you guzzle it. It is a sipping beer. 1 per hour type thing.

-S

Jimbuna

01-30-08, 05:08 PM

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, "What is your name?"
"My name is Bob", says the boy.
"And what is your question, Bob?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you president when al gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "Ok where were we? Oh, that's right. Question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy raises his hand. George points him out and asked him "what is your name?"
"My name is Steve" says the boy.
"And what is your question Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN? Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama bin laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? Fifth, where is Bob?"

Bort

01-30-08, 06:00 PM

Already posted^ But still funny! :lol:

Ishmael

01-31-08, 08:12 AM

Three good friends die and go to heaven. At St. Peter's Gate, Peter tells them,

"We only have one question to ask before we let you in. Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The first guy answered, "Every chance I got."

Peter said, "OK. You get to go around heaven on roller skates."

Peter asked the second guy the same question. He replied, "Only once in a great while."

Peter answered," All right. you get to ride around heaven on a bicycle."

Peter asked the third guy the same question. He answered, "Never in my life."

Pater replied, "Great! You get to ride around heaven in a Cadillac."

So all three friends hop into the third guy's Cadillac and roar off into heaven. After a while the first guy said to the third guy,

"Wait a minute. Isn't that your wife over there on roller skates?"

What do you call a quadruple amputee on your doorstep? Matt.

What do you call the same guy in your swimming pool? Bob.

What do you call the same guy in a pile of leaves? Russell,

Whay do you call the same guy hanging on your wall? Art.

Finally, the ultimate Tasteless racist joke. Why shouldn't blacks and Mexicans intermarry?

Then they would have kids too lazy to steal.

That's an unusual act. What do you call yourselves? The Aristocrats.

STEED

01-31-08, 09:16 AM

A Jewish joke from 1944.

German officer tells two Jewish men your going to be hanged, one Jewish man said to the other Jewish man "good there running out of bullets."

Heard it on the radio the other day about war jokes.

For the benefit if anyone is :-? the meaning of the joke is Germany was loosing the war and they needed the bullets on the front line.

antikristuseke

01-31-08, 10:10 AM

A palestinian is runing away from an Israelie tank and firing his AK at it, after a while he simply stops, drops his assault rifle and turns to face the tank. The tank stops and the commander of the vehiacle pops his head out and asks "Why did you stop shooting?"
"I ran out of bullets." replies the palestinian
The tank commander pops his head back inside the tank, a minute passes and he sticks his head out again with a smile on his face while rubing his hands together and says "Want us to sell you some?"

Probably heard this one back in school years ago, should be one of the less offencive jokes in my arsenal, the others i feel would go to far on these boards and might give some people the wrong idea about me, they are just jokes with nothing mroe ment by them.

seafarer

01-31-08, 12:12 PM

Jimbuna

01-31-08, 12:20 PM

Already posted^ But still funny! :lol:

Damn!! :damn: Never noticed :oops:

Sailor Steve

02-01-08, 11:35 AM

An old favorite:

In heaven, the police are all British, the chefs are all Italian, the mechanics are all German, the lovers are all French and everything is run by the Swiss.

In hell, the police are all German, the chefs are all British, the mechanics are all French, the lovers are all Swiss and everything is run by the Italians.

Jimbuna

02-01-08, 12:16 PM

One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood.

They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill.

John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him.

Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me."

Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro"

John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg.

Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs.

Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!"

John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms.

He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg."

Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!"

Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm."

And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming"

The shark then bites off Johns other arm.

Now John has no arms or legs.

His brother finally arrives to save him.

Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.

When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel fu*ked"

And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!!!"

Dowly

02-01-08, 12:18 PM

What do you call 100 white men running down a hill? Avalanche
What do you call 100 black men running down a hill? Mudslide
What do you call 100 mexicans running down a hill? Jailbreak!

:rotfl::rotfl:

Tho, I prefer this one:

What do you call 100 black men in the bottom of the ocean?
- A good start.

Stealth Hunter

02-01-08, 02:57 PM

A Jewish gypsy walks into an SS commander's office. He is dying of severe lung cancer. She says to him, "Today is a Jewish holiday." He says, "How do you know that?" She says, "Any day you spend dying is a Jewish holiday."

Here's another one:

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the living hell out of the dog.

antikristuseke

02-01-08, 03:01 PM

What do you call 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand?
Not ennough sand.

Jimbuna

02-01-08, 04:30 PM

A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.
One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"
The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."
The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"
The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.
"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman
"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were jokeing then were you?"
Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"

Bort

02-01-08, 07:11 PM

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Why don't women normally wear watches?
There's a clock on the oven.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride dirt bikes?

What's the difference between George W. Bush and a deer?
If you find a dead deer in the middle of the road it has skid marks in front of it.

How does every racist joke start?
With a look over each shoulder.

Radtgaeb

02-01-08, 10:23 PM

So this baby seal walks into a club...

-------------------------------------------
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?
-A basketball coach.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
-A quarterback
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 1000 black guys?
-A warden.
(I'm not a racist, I swear! I just repeat the jokes I hear!)
--------------------------------------------------------
A man is in court and begins yelling at the judge about what a hard life he has had. The judge looks at him and says "Kid, I deal with the scum of the Earth all day; and then: I have to listen to their clients as well!" (Coming from someone with plans to go into law, nonetheless).
---------------------------------------------------------------
A priest, a rabbi, and a preacher all go camping in the woods one day. They all bet each other that they can convert a bear to their respective religions within a week, then go out into the wilderness. A week later they meet together again, except the rabbi has a cast on and several bruises and scars.
"Well, I did wonders on my bear! He's being confirmed this Sunday!" the priest said.
"My bear was in tears from the sermon I gave!" said the preacher.
The two looked at the rabbi, and after deducing that he had failed, asked what happened. He replied "Okay, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest, rabbi, and preacher are fishing one day, and the priest decides to go get a Coke, but instead of rowing the boat to the shore, he gets out and walks across the water to the cooler. The preacher decides to go get a Coke too and copies the miracle performed by the priest. Astonished, the rabbi exclaims "This I must try!!" and gets out and falls into the lake. The priest and preacher look at each other and the priest says "Perhaps we should have told him about the rocks?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
Wanna hear a great joke?
-Womens' sports!

Stealth Hunter

02-01-08, 10:53 PM

This one is somewhat racist, but don't beat me for it. I thought it was funny.

Where's the best place to hide something from a black man?
Inside his workboots.

Sailor Steve

02-01-08, 11:28 PM

Q: Why does a bride wear white?
A: You want your dishwasher and your stove to match.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs - Californians screw in hot tubs.

One day God decides He's had enough, and tells the Devil he'll prove he's right in a court of law. The Devil says "Don't do it - you'll lose." God replies "What makes you think so?" The Devil says "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

World War Two; the phone rings.
"Fort Bragg, Sergeant's desk."
A sweet little old lady's voice says "Yes. I'd like to do my part for the war effort by having five of your finest young men to my house for thanksgiving dinner."
"That would be wonderful, ma'am! Thank you so much for your consideration!"
"There's just one thing: please make sure they are not Jews."
After a pause the sergeant says "That will be no problem, ma'am. Let me thank you again for your consideration."

Thanksgiving day comes, and as the lady of the manor is having her servants prepare dinner, the doorbell rings. When she opens the door, she sees five black soldiers in their finest dress uniforms. "Oh, my," she stammers, "there must be some mistake!"

The leading black soldier replies "I don't think so, ma'am. Sergeant Steinberg never makes mistakes."

Koondawg

02-02-08, 02:43 AM

What's the difference between a Bull Dyke and a rhino.....

50 pounds and a flannel shirt

Story about a Midget Fortune Teller...
Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large!

Fishermen on the Lake
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

Jimbuna

02-02-08, 09:44 AM

On their way to get married, a loving couple get into car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

bigboywooly

02-02-08, 11:40 AM

Teacher to class

" what does your dad do on weekends ? "

Johnny says

" He is a dancer at a gay bar.Sometimes if the money is tight he lets punters bang him in the a*s "

Horrified teacher pulls Johnny to one side

" Is that true Johnny ? "

" No miss " says Johnny " He plays football for the Miami Dolphins but I was too embarrassed to say "

Jimbuna

02-02-08, 12:34 PM

A family of prostitutes are talking.
The daughter says, "I got Â£50 for a blow job today".
The mother says, "in my day it was Â£5".
The grandmother says, "In my day we were just glad for the warm drink".

Platapus

02-02-08, 08:46 PM

Here are some jokes that I am sure will offend everyone equally :)

A Catholic Priest and an Orthodox Rabbi were talking.

There is a group of small boys outside

The Priest asks the Rabbi, “why don’t we go outside and screw those little boys”

The Rabbi replies, “Great, out of what?”

__________________

Question: What is the best thing about having sex with twenty eight year olds?

Answer: There’s 20 of them!

Question: What does Michael Jackson have in common with a K-Mart Blue Light Special?

Answer: Both have little boy’s pants half off

__________________

Question: What did the mother say to Michael Jackson when they were at the beach?

Answer: Sir, would you please get out of my son

Yeah, I know I will rot in hell :nope:

MothBalls

02-02-08, 09:10 PM

Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?

A. They think we care.

Platapus

02-02-08, 10:55 PM

Question: How did PMS get its name?

Answer: Mad Cow was already taken

Ishmael

02-03-08, 03:20 AM

An Italian, a Jew and a gay guy all die and wind up at St. Peter's gate at the same time.
Peter tells them all there's been a mistake so he's sending them back to earth but warns them they must give up the thing they love the most or they'll be back there immediately. They all agree and are instantly back on Earth in a major city. As they walk down the street, they pass an Italian restaurant.

"Mama Mia! Do you smell that carbonara sauce? It smells so good.", says the Italian and "POOF", he's gone in an instant.

Chastened, the other two continue down the road a few more blocks. Then the Jew spots a five dollar bill in the street. He bends over to pick it up and,"POOF", they're both gone.

One other, Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

Because his wife died.

Foxtrot

02-03-08, 03:48 AM

I used to hate weddings. All the old ladies would poke me and say "You're next".

Well, they soon stopped it when I started saying it to them at funerals. :shifty:

Jimbuna

02-03-08, 08:03 AM

Touch it gently...
Put 2 fingers inside, if it's big put 3 fingers in...
Make sure it's wet...
Rub it up and down....
Yeah....

That's how you wash a cup

------------------------------------------------------

I went home from work early today and found the plumber shagging my dog.
I phoned the police and they said there was nothing they could do.
They said the bas*ard was Corgi Registered.

Sailor Steve

02-03-08, 01:47 PM

Two young sailors are walking on the beach with their crusty old chief. They spy a lamp in the sand. Of course it's a magic lamp and the genie pops out and says "Hmm...normally I grant three wishes, but since there are three of you I'll give you one each. Who's first?"

The youngest sailor says "Me! Me! I want to live in Hollywood in a big mansion with a Ferrari in the driveway, surrounded by beautiful starlets!"

POOF! He's gone.

The second sailor says "I want to live on a yacht in Tahiti, with half-naked island girls attending to my every need!"

POOF! HE's gone.

The genie then turns to the chief: "And what is YOUR wish?"

"I want both of those clowns back on board at 0600 tomorrow!"

Jimbuna

02-03-08, 04:41 PM

Dennis Rodman finds abottle on beach and picks it up. Suddenly a female genie appears.

"Master, I may grant you one wish," she says with a smile.
"Don't you know who I am, bitch? I don't need no woman to give me nothin", yells Dennis.
The genie pleads with him, "But Master! I must grant you one wish or go back to the bottle forever."
Dennis thinks it over, grumbles about the inconvenience of it all, but relents. "Okay. I wanna wake up in the mornin' with three women in my bed. So just do it! Now leave me alone!"
"So be it," says the genie, who's a little annoyed by this time. And the very next morning, Dennis awakens to find three women in his bed; Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone. His leg is broken. And he has no health insurance.
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A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf and were teeing off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.

The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.
When they peeked inside the house, the found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a Genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for and income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The Genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The Genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed. After the Genie and wife were finished, the Genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The Genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, 31 years old." The Genie then asked, "And he still believes in this Genie stuff?"
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A fellow walks into a bar with a ten-inch, scowling man on his shoulder. He orders a drink. The little man jumps off the shoulder, drinks a third of the drink and climbs back up. The fellow then orders a sandwich. The little man likewise devours a third of the sandwich.

After this goes on for two more drinks, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, I don't usually pry into customers' private affairs, but what the heck is it with that little guy?" The customer replies, "Well, I found a bottle on the beach. When I uncorked it, out popped a genie. He gave me one wish. I asked for a 10-inch *****, and the Genie shrunk my lawyer!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is walking in the desert on the verge of death when he comes across a shiny lamp which he proceeds to rub. Out pops a genie dressed in a polyester suit, clip tie and an IRS name tag. The IRS genie offers him three wishes which he is understandably reluctant to accept. He ignores the genie until he realizes that he better take him up on his offer or he will surely die.

The dying man asks for the most opulent spread of food and drink.
POOF! A beautiful oasis appears with the most succulent food and drink. After the man has had a bit to eat and drink and recover his senses he makes his second wish to be wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.
POOF! The man is instantly sitting on an enormous pile of gold coins. The man takes some time to absorb all that was happening as the sun begins to set.
The IRS genie is becoming impatient and begins prodding the man for his final wish. Eventually the man complies and begins by telling his woes with women. His third wish is to always be close to and needed by women.
POOF! The man is turned into a tampon.

The moral of this story: You will never get anything from the IRS without strings attached.
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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times."One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I came across this old ruined cottage, and it was getting dark, so I decided to stay overnight.I found an old lamp, and as I wiped some of the dirt off it, a Genie appeared, in the form of a beautiful woman.
She said, "You have released me from centuries of misery, I grant you three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make love with you, right here and right now."
She nodded, the cottage turned into a luxurious bedroom ... We made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, relaxing after our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/7596/genie5ji5.gif ................................................ http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/7705/thgenie9hycr0.gif

XXi

02-04-08, 06:30 AM

The Great Patriotic War.
Private Ivanow, somewhere near Crimea, finds a gold fish.
'You know, comrade' says the fish 'times are tough. I cannot grant you three wishes you know, you have only one'
Ivanow thinks a little...
"So, fish, I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union"
All disappeared.
When Ivanow opened his eyes, he found himself lying in a trench. There was a pack of grenades and a PTRD rifle nearby. Ivanow pulled his head over, just to notice a Panzer platoon and grenadiers coming close.
"Bitch. Posthumously"

A Russian and a bunch of Turks are sitting in a tavern, somewhere in Germany.
Suddenly, the Russian tells "You, Turks, might be nice guys if it was not the three problems you have"
"What did you say!?" - says the Turk -"come on, if you`re a man, let`s go outside!"
"Ahh,the problem No1. You cannot solve problems, you just get angry and aggresive".
However, he agrees to go outside.
In the outside, he soon gets surrounded by a half circle of a dozen of Turks. The Russian looks at them.
"And here we go, the problem no2. You cannot solve your problems personally, you need to call in all friends and folks..."
All Turks get close slowly, taking their knives, kukri, puukko...
"Problem no 3" - tells the Russian, producing an AK47 from the trench he`s wearing "you bring knives for a shoot-out..."

Jimbuna

02-04-08, 08:23 AM

Two women are on their way back from a night out when they get desperate for a piss. They're halfway through a graveyard and no one's around so they drop their pants and go behind a couple of gravestones, the first women wipes her fanny with her knickers and the second uses a wreath.

The next day the husbands are at the pub and the first one says;
"I'll have to keep an eye on my missus from now on, she went out last night and came back with no knickers on!"

And the second replies;
"That's nothing, mine came home with a card wedged halfway up her arse saying 'We'll always miss you, from all the lads at the station'!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he notices his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge.
Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, "Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe?"
Sheila turns around with tears welling up in her eyes. "Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant. I don't want to be a burden, so I'm just gonna kill myself!"
Bruce gets a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car. "Sheila, not only are you a great fu*k, but you're a good sport about it too!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the happiest day of my life. Wife waiting at the alter, flowers blooming everywhere and a great turn out. I swept a tear away from my eye, kissed my wife on the cheek and closed the lid.

Kapitan_Phillips

02-04-08, 08:33 AM

It was the happiest day of my life. Wife waiting at the alter, flowers blooming everywhere and a great turn out. I swept a tear away from my eye, kissed my wife on the cheek and closed the lid.

:damn::rotfl:

Jimbuna

02-04-08, 12:40 PM

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

Ishmael

02-04-08, 11:16 PM

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rabbit?

A rabbit with a posterior orifice two feet across.

Jimbuna

02-05-08, 03:03 AM

A women was going on holiday for a week in Italy. Her husband drived her to the airport and before she left she asked him "What do you want me to bring you from Italy?". He replied laughing "An Italian girl". The woman not having time for jokes slammed the door and waved her husband goodbye. A week later when she was back her husband picked her up and while they were driving home he said jokingly "So did you bring what I asked for?" she then replied "Well I did my best but now we have to wait nine months till we find out if it's a boy or a girl.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets some of his mates in the pub, who ask how his holiday was...
"had a great time"
then one of his mates asks "why have you got a leg missing?"
the cannibal replies,

"it was a self catering holiday!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.
A woman approaches him and offers to fu*k his brains out for £5.
The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the £5.
She leads him into a bush and they get under way.

A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking.
He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he's doing.
The man replies calmly "I'm just having sex with my wife officer, do you mind?"
The officer responds "I'm sorry sir, I didn't realise it was your wife."
The man quickly replies "It's quite alright officer, until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I".

Ishmael

02-06-08, 11:56 PM

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol.

She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f_ _ _ away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."

Jimbuna

02-07-08, 04:06 AM

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British
authorities.

The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

HunterICX

02-07-08, 05:25 AM

:rotfl: Good one Jim

this is a lighthouse, your call :lol:

HunterICX

Jimbuna

02-07-08, 08:56 AM

A man walked into a pub,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be 10 pence.'
'Ten pence?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak And a bottle of wine?'
'A pound,' the barman replied.
'A pound?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs With your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing To his business down here.'

Dowly

02-07-08, 09:49 AM

Kapitan_Phillips

02-07-08, 12:45 PM

A man was going door to door selling washing machines. He came up to a simple farmhouse and was answered by a woman.

"Hello Madam, I'm here today selling our new range of washing machines."
"Well" she said "You'd best talk to my husband, he sorts out the finances" and the salesman was led to the milking hut.

Inside, the farmer greeted the salesman, and said "Let me tell you a story."

"I was out here one day about to milk this here cow, and I got down, and she kicked me. So I tied her leg up to her post up there. I got down to milk her again and she kicked me with her other leg. So I went and tied that one up to that other post there."

"I got down again to milk 'er, and she flicked a **** covered tail right in my bloody face. So I tied her tail to her horns. So I thought 'Well she cant kick me now', and I thought 'I'll have a piddle before I start'. And I was just doing my flies up when my wife walked in."

"Now if you can convince her I wasnt about to shag that cow, I'll buy your washing machine."

:88)

lesrae

02-07-08, 03:49 PM

A paedophile's walking into the dark woods one night with a little girl and she says "I'm scared".

"You're scared?" he replies, "I'm the one who's got to walk out of here on my own!"

Jimbuna

02-08-08, 04:28 AM

Q: Whats the diffrence between a french women and a basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

Q: Qhat is the diffrence between a catholic priest and acne?
A: Acne waits until your 13 to come on your face.

lesrae

02-08-08, 07:30 AM

(This one's for the UK audience probably)

Jeremy Beadle had a tiny c?ck. But on the other hand, it looked huge.

SUBMAN1

02-08-08, 01:29 PM

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun,
called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who
created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!"
shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching
her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came
to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!"
shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary
Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What
did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny
came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If
you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...........

SUBMAN1

02-08-08, 01:31 PM

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those
who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new
jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

SUBMAN1

02-08-08, 01:42 PM

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo! !" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again.

Jimbuna

02-08-08, 02:31 PM

A man was walking along the beach one day, when he happened to pass by a very lovely young woman that didnt have any arms or legs, gently sobbing to herself...

'Why the tears?' he asked.
She says, 'I'm 18 years old and i've never been kissed.'
The man pauses for a moment, then smiles and gives her a soft kiss on the head.
She laughs a little and puckers up so he gives her a big kiss on the lips.
They pause for an unsure moment and then shes says 'You know... i'm 18 years old... and i've never been fu*ked!' The man stands up starts smiling and grabs the young woman by the hair and tosses her into the sea.
She starts screaming and bobbing up and down, then the man shouts; 'WELL YOU'RE FU*KED NOW DARLING!'

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Ginger, get away from her before she ****s on you!"

Kratos

02-08-08, 03:37 PM

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Kratos

02-08-08, 03:40 PM

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

silentrunner

02-08-08, 03:51 PM

[quote=jimbuna]Dennis Rodman finds abottle on beach and picks it up. Suddenly a female genie appears.

"Master, I may grant you one wish," she says with a smile.
"Don't you know who I am, bitch? I don't need no woman to give me nothin", yells Dennis.
The genie pleads with him, "But Master! I must grant you one wish or go back to the bottle forever."
Dennis thinks it over, grumbles about the inconvenience of it all, but relents. "Okay. I wanna wake up in the mornin' with three women in my bed. So just do it! Now leave me alone!"
"So be it," says the genie, who's a little annoyed by this time. And the very next morning, Dennis awakens to find three women in his bed; Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone. His leg is broken. And he has no health insurance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qctaV_VaA8

Jimbuna

02-08-08, 05:19 PM

The 7 dwarfs are all excited as the new pope is visiting fairy story land.
All week they nudge Dopey s******ing "Well you can finally ask your question!", to which Dopey replies every time "Shurrup willya!"
Finally the day arrives and all the dwarfs are lined up with the other characters from the Snow White story, he shakes hands with the evil Queen, then Snow White then slowly makes his way down the line of the dwarfs.
As he approaches Dopey theres a small chant which gets louder and louder "Ask him.ask him...ask him ASK HIM>!"
"Ask me what?" Questions the pope.
The dwarfs shove Dopey forward "ASK HIM!",
"What would you like to know?", says his holiness.
"Well", begins Dopey, "Are any of your nuns black?"
"Hm" ponders the pope "As a religion we catholics don't differentiate between creed so its more than probable that quite a few of our nuns are black . Does that answer your question?"
ASK HIM!! shout the dwarfs.
"Is there more to your question young man?"
"Erm......do any of your nuns work in Antarctica?"
"well young man we have nuns all around the globe so its more than likely that we have a couple in Antarctica. Does that answer your question?"
ASK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yell the dwarfs!
"Is there more to this question?" asks the pope now getting more than annoyed.
"Erm..................................are any of these black nuns in Antarctica dwarfs?!
"WHAT"! Splutters the pope.
"I'm sure if we had a black dwarf nun in Antarctica i would have heard of it. So in answer to your question NO!"
All the dwarfs collapse on the floor pissing themselves laughing.
"DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!! DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!!"

Jimbuna

02-08-08, 05:21 PM

Once there was this really scummy bloke travelling on a bus, when a nun got on and sat right in front of him. She was quite good looking, so he leaned over to her and said, "I really want to fu*k you in the arse!" She went bright red, and got off at the next stop.

When the bloke was getting off the bus the driver said, "Hey mate, I noticed the nun got off a couple of stops early, what did you say to her?"

The bloke replied, "Oh, I just told her I wanted to fu*k her in the arse."

The driver thought for a minute, then said "Well, if you're still interested, I happen to know she walks through the park down the road there every night at about 6 o'clock." The bloke thanked the driver for the info then went on his way.

When he got home, he thought to himself "She'll never fu*k a scumbag like me." So he got dressed up as Jesus.

That evening he was hiding in the bushes when the nun came wandering through the park. He leapt out and cried, "Gday. I'm Jesus, and I want to fu*k you in the arse!"

The nun replied, "Well, seeing as how you're Jesus, I suppose you'd better."
So the bloke got his cock out, and proceeded to fu*k the nun up the arse. But after he'd finished, he was feeling a bit guilty. So he said, "Actually love, I'm not really Jesus, I'm that rude bloke off the bus earlier."

And the nun replied, "That's OK, cause I'm not the nun, I'm the bus driver!"