Balz Launches in to patrol 4 (03 June 1940) [Archive]

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Brag

01-12-08, 12:05 PM

It is dark in Vigo. Red lights are on inside the U-52. The officers are gathered in the Zentralle. Balz walks in wearing a tea cozy on his head. "Are we ready, men?"

"Jawhol, Herr Kaleun," Bernard says.
"What's that bulge in your pocket?"
Bernard pulls out a contraption with two copper wire coils. "It's a pulsating destroyer magnet."
"Where did you get it?"
"A Cockney at the Los Marineros Bar sold it to me. It's guaranteed to attract destroyers and even Black Swans."
Balz frowns. "Can you shoot yourself with it?"
"No, sir."
"Then throw it away." Balz readjusts his tea cozy. "My head now receives English Vibes. Einz zwei, hoochie-woochie.We will set course to 280, go 200 kilometres out and under my capable command, sink a ship or two. And we're going there fast to take advantage of the good weatherr. Brilliant thinking from my part. Ja?"

Ten minutes later, U-52 sneaks out of Vigo into the cruel Battle of the Atlantic.

LT. Otto Kalb writes:
03 June 1940
200 kms. WNW of Vigo
We dove for a sound check and immediately made contact with two merchants. Apparently Balz's tea cozy works. 20 minutes later, Balz raised the periscope and told us two French ships were in sight and we were on perfect intercept.
"Auftauchen. Gun crew on deck."
on the flat sea, U-52 raced at 15 knots but the gun crew, dressed in fould gear refused to come out of the hatch. The watch crew came out dressed in foulies. "We can't man the gun in heavy seas."
"You idiots are nuts!"
The ships vanished from view and we got pelted with rain.
"For the love of GWX, ffat is dis?" Balz bellowed.
Thunder rattled our ears and the sky immediately was covered by heavy cloud.
In two hundred meter visibility we did manage to get behind the large French freighter and brought it to a halt with one torpedo on the stern. We dove and waited 'til the next morning for it to sink, while Balz muttered, "Non Schmops Kapop boom-boom, Non Schmops Kapop . . .

TomcatMVD

01-12-08, 12:15 PM

May the force be with you padawan!

Sailor Steve

01-12-08, 12:34 PM

"For the love of GWX..."
:rotfl:

Jimbuna

01-12-08, 01:08 PM

Tea Cozy http://imgcash3.imageshack.us/img240/9117/pointingqq8.gif

HW3

01-12-08, 01:30 PM

"pulsating destroyer magnet"

:rotfl:

Kpt. Lehmann

01-12-08, 01:35 PM

"For the love of GWX, ffat is dis?" Balz bellowed.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Now I have heard and seen it ALL!!!

<sigh>

BOOM BOOM HOOCHIE WOOCHIE!!! :up: :up: :up:

Brag... you and your tea cozy are QUITE certifiable.

Kpt. Lehmann

01-12-08, 01:38 PM

Still, laughing my butt off here.

Thank God I'd put down the coffee before reading that post.:lol: :lol: :lol:

Jimbuna

01-12-08, 02:28 PM

I have found Balz long thought missing passport photo :sunny:

http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/7425/tcozyxi1.jpg (http://imageshack.us) http://imgcash3.imageshack.us/img240/9117/pointingqq8.gif

U49

01-12-08, 02:36 PM

"pulsating destroyer magnet"

:rotfl:

That's and always present gadget that was built into every sub by the GWX dev's. I tried to located mine, but no sucess so far :damn:

Brag

01-12-08, 04:09 PM

I have found Balz long thought missing passport photo :sunny:

http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/7425/tcozyxi1.jpg (http://imageshack.us) http://imgcash3.imageshack.us/img240/9117/pointingqq8.gif

Jimbuna!!!!!!
You made me fall off my chair laughing :dead:

Brag

01-12-08, 05:03 PM

06 June 1940
LT. Otto Kalb writes:

After sinking that large freighter, the weather cleared. Soundman reported a convoy. We moved to intercept. No sound of warships. Balz said, "There's over 50,000 tons just in the biggies and there are no escorts. The crew sang the hoochie woochie song.

"Bloody Irish bastards." Balz removed his tea cozy, tossed it on the deck and stomped on it.

We resumed our course north toward the Western Approaches, where Balz said we would get fat tonnage. A full gale made progress difficult. At dawn, the soundman reported high speed screws.

Balz peered through the scope. "Two destroyers heading straight for us. Silent running 180 turn to port." He brought the scope down. Bernaaaard, did you get rid of that pulsating destroyer magnet?"

"I hid it behind the bananas."

Balz turned red. "You're lucky we're on silent running."
The destroyers did act as if they were looking for us, then resumed their SE course.

"Destroyers patrol areas where there are ships. Auftauchen, full speed ahead.
Half-hour later, he ordered periscope depth. Sure enough, we had a sound contact and moved to intercept.
"Medium tanker," Balz announced while peering through the periscope. Perfect stern shot coming up all engines stop. Get the choir here, so they can hum while I Balzify this oil tub."
The choir assembled and sang, Glory to our Captain Balz.
"Feur funf."
The torpedo left the tube.
Balz did his routine. Einz, zwei, Tic-toc, tic-toc, tic-toc hoochie woochie. Non schmops kapop tic-toc hoochie woochie.
"Boom-boom torpedo treffer. Another perfect boom-boom by our wonderful captain," the torpedo officer said.
Balz turned the tea cozy on his head and bowed. The choir sang the Heil Balz Hoochie Woochie song.

This is only the 3rd. day of our patrol. It will be a long one.

Brag

01-13-08, 10:19 AM

To BDU
From U-52

Tanker sunk was transiting along suspected tanker route. Using my formidable skill to uncover best locations to sink the oily bastards. You can expect further good news from me. After all, I'm such a wonderful Komandant. Do you have my promotion to Kptlt ready for me yet? My mother would like to see another stripe on my sleeve.

Oblt.z.S. Johan Sebastian Balz

Blacklight

01-13-08, 03:14 PM

Seriously.. there needs to be a Balz movie. And more movies about Bernard. Or even better... a movie with Balz and Bernard as the stars.:rock:

NealT

01-13-08, 04:45 PM

Brag

01-13-08, 05:24 PM

To BDU
From Balz U-52 (The Elegant Frog)
09 June 1940

You will be pleased to hear that after a skilful approach, I have brilliantly attacked a British convoy. You will notice how effective I am. At 1715, I fired four torpedoes, one exploded prematurely. The other three struck their targets and we got boom-boom. A large freighter, a big stack large freighter and a whale factory were Balzified to a tune of 31812 brt. :smug: That's hoochie woochie!

This fabulous performance from my part is a testament to my superb skill. You better thell the army to hurry up and liberate France as my patrol might be completed in record time. :smug:

To date, (our 6th day out) I have sunk a total of 53022 tons and have 7 torpedoes left. I think it would be nice if you would make arrangements to have me promoted.

Oblt. Johan Sebastian Balz.

Jimbuna

01-13-08, 06:02 PM

Brag

01-14-08, 03:34 PM

Lt. Otto Kalb writes:

All night we stalked the wildly zig-zagging convoy. Everytime we thought we were in attack position, the convoy would change course.
"We're under attack!" One of the lookouts yelled shortly after sunrise.
I scan the horizon and see a large freighter in the distant haze. I ordered a 20 degree course change.
"In the name of GWX, what's going on?" Balz popped out of the hatch wearing his tea cozy.
"Destroyer heading straight for us," A lookout said.
"Bring my bowler hat," Balz yelled.
He exchanged the tea cozy for his bowler, leaned back on the periscope housing and said, "They won't attack someone wearing a bowler, that would be very un-British."
"But, we're German."
"See how confusing it is?"
A shell ripped the air overhead.
Balz waved his bowler. "Alaaaarm!"
We dove to fifty meters and moved away from our last surfaced position at high speed.
The destroyer tossed a few ash cans at datum 1/2 mile away.
"Hoochie Woochie," Balz danced around the Zentralle. "The convoy is coming, the convoy is coming. "Periscope depth, flood tubes 1, 2, 3."
I look at the navigator's plot. Indeed, the convoy changed course and headed for our position.
Balz exchanged his bowler for the tea cozy.
"Up periscope."
The crazy bastard is doing this again. Attacking while a destroyer is sniffing for us.
"Full speed ahead. Einz, zwei, hoochie woochie. Feur einz, feur zwei, feur drei.
The third torpedo exploded almost immediately and we heard breaking up sounds as we went deep.
"Sheissehoochies, another dud."
"Einheit zerschtort," the sound man reported another sinking. The convoy thundered overhead.
"How was that for a brilliant attack position?" Balz asked.
Maybe I should also wear a tea cozy to soften the blows as I bang my head against chart table.

NealT

01-14-08, 05:37 PM

Yes...but what did that explosion get? A destroyer? or a big fat tanker?

Discriminating Balz readers want to know!

:doh::hmm::shifty:

Sailor Steve

01-14-08, 05:43 PM

Balz may be crazy as they come, but I suspect it's poor Kalb who'll end up in the loony bin.

Brag

01-14-08, 09:26 PM

Yes...but what did that explosion get? A destroyer? or a big fat tanker?

Discriminating Balz readers want to know!

:doh::hmm::shifty:

The report sent to BDU states 2 large freighters sunk. Apparently, a freighter very close got in the way of two torpedoes aimed at two different ships.

NealT

01-15-08, 07:12 AM

Must have been the 'lucky Balz syndrome' in action again...

:shifty:

Brag

01-16-08, 04:05 PM

To BDU
FRM U-52
16 June 1940

Received heavy damage, all compartments flooding. Proceeding to French Atlantic port as they become liberated.

Balz

NealT

01-17-08, 06:39 AM

We will come and save you Balz...after all, where would we be without a good laugh now and then...

:up:

U49

01-18-08, 03:21 PM

... then the boat will have less flooding for sure
:rotfl:

Jimbuna

01-18-08, 04:51 PM

Brag

01-18-08, 05:05 PM

I'll send you a few of my quicker crewmen http://www.funfilesandsmiles.com/smileys2/doggyandnaner.gif http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/5558/camelnanerxt1.gif (http://imageshack.us)

I'd send you some more of my musical crew, but you keep pinching them http://www.carforums.net/images/smilies/boxing.gif

Holy galumpers! A hoochie woochie rescue :huh:
Send the musical crew to the Balz party, he's too busy praising himself to pinch anything. :D

Ivan Putski

01-18-08, 05:13 PM

Wow!! rescued by a Vichy Tuna Boat, and invited to a Schrage band party all in the same day.:D