BAlz is back!

[Brag]

To Adolf Hitler
From Kptlt, J.S. Balz
29 September 1940

Mein Fuhrer,
I'm back from another successful patrol where with my skill and cunning sank over 100,000 tons, including seven tankers. Since I already have every possible award given by the Reich, I thought you may enjoy rewarding me with a different honour. Since we pretty much own it, you may find it your pleasure to rename the Baltic Sea as das Balzik See. Should Sweden object, I volunteer to sink their Navy. If the USSR complains, feel free to attack them. Of course the Balzic States will be delighted to be on my sea. Having a sea called after a German like me will elevate the prestige of the Reich.

Your best officer in the Kriegsmarine
Johan Sebastian Balz.

PS. I wrote a special song for the occasion: Das Baltischer See Ist ein Balz Hoochie-woochie

[Packerton]

I can Argue For this :arrgh!:


So this is how Russia entered the war :rotfl:

[Schöneboom]

O Gott, nein... I think der Führer likes das Hoochie-Woochie! :roll:

http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/beta185.gif

[Brag]

http://b3ta.hnldesign.nl/beta185.gif


Ein Volk, ein Reich, eine hoochey woochie!!!

Sieg hoochie!

[Packerton]

Ahahahaha This is Great :rotfl:

[papa_smurf]

I think Balz's ego has got way too big for his own good!

[STEED]

From Adolf Hitler
To Kptlt, J.S. Balz
5 October 1940


Your place or my place big boy

A.H.

[IrischKapitan]

BDU

TO:
Kptlt J.S. Balz,

I knew Der Fuhrer would refuse your request even though he is a great fan of you, and of, ahem, your great skill as a songwriter.

The following is top secret!

Lufwaffe aeriel intelligence reports that a large battle-cruiser possibly HMS HOOD or another large Royal Navy Battlship is docked in Portsmoth. It is probabaly a safegaurd against operation SEELOWE

Since you are our best commander and we may never get a chance to demish British morale like this again.

Your Primary Mission is as follows: Infiltrate the defences of Portsmoth and sink any British Capital Ships docked there. Also take reconissence shots of the port defences as intelligence prior to Operation SEELOWE

Secondray Mission: Infiltrate the defences of Portsmoth and sink any ship merchant or navy. Also take reconissence shots of the port defences as intelligence prior to Operation SEELOWE

When you have completed your objective proceed to complete your patrol grid.

Should you complete this mission (surley a pice of cake to you), I'm sure the Fuhrer will complete any request of yours and I shall personally assure that ''Der Hoochie Woochie'' shall be broadcast over the international airwaves in your honour. Who knows enemy troops may surrender when hearing it !!

Good Luck, und Gut Jadgt!

Gross Adrimal Reader
Reader

[Kaleu. Jochen Mohr]

Who knows enemy troops may surrender when hearing it !!

i bet they will :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

and OH NEIN! BALZ IST ZURÜK! WO IST MEIN LUGHER :stare:

[Brag]

To Gross Admiral Raeder (Eyes only)
From BDU -- Urgent!

Dear Admiral,
Has your staff studied the implications of sending Balz to Portsmouth?
What if the egomaniac succeeds?
Can you imagine Balz as the Bull of Porstmouth? Or worse: The Great Portsmouth Hoochie-woochie, grand phoobah of the 7 seas?
He has already given Der Fuhrer the hoochie-woochie palsy. After Balz's return you will be saddled with hosting and feting the miserable beggar!

Awaiting your final disposition before issuing sailing orders. U-53 should be completing refit within 10 days.

Respectfuly,
Doenitz.

[IrischKapitan]

To Gross Admiral Raeder (Eyes only)
From BDU -- Urgent!

Dear Admiral,
Has your staff studied the implications of sending Balz to Portsmouth?
What if the egomaniac succeeds?
Can you imagine Balz as the Bull of Porstmouth? Or worse: The Great Portsmouth Hoochie-woochie, grand phoobah of the 7 seas?
He has already given Der Fuhrer the hoochie-woochie palsy. After Balz's return you will be saddled with hosting and feting the miserable beggar!

Awaiting your final disposition before issuing sailing orders. U-53 should be completing refit within 10 days.

Respectfuly,
Doenitz.

TO: Adrimal Doenitz (eyes only)
RE:Kptlt J.S. Balz

Yes we have studied the implications of sending the Kptlt to Portsmoth. The Hood Being sunk would greatly affect british morale. He also shall be retired from active service after his sucessfull mission. I hear there is a posting for a naval liason officer in the Luftwaffe - let Goreings boys deal with him!!

The Mission still stands!! I have full faith in Balz (although his ego beign bigger then der pacific), He shall complete his mission sucessfully, I guarenntee it!! And don't worry about Hoochie Woochie. It will be broadcast on British freqiencies only!!!

Gross Adrimal Reader.

[Brag]

To Kptlt Johen Mohr (Eyes only)
From BDU

You are the grand expert on harbour raids.
We are planning an operation into Portsmouth, could you give a briefing on location of minefields, antisubmarine nets, enemy patrols, depth of water and other information on this target?

Your assistance is expected and appreciated.

Doenitz

[Kaleu. Jochen Mohr]

To Kptlt Johen Mohr (Eyes only)
From BDU

You are the grand expert on harbour raids.
We are planning an operation into Portsmouth, could you give a briefing on location of minefields, antisubmarine nets, enemy patrols, depth of water and other information on this target?

Your assistance is expected and appreciated.

Doenitz

From: Korvettenkapitän Mohr
to: BDU

in wich way ? leaning him in the minefields or arround them ? :hmm: :rotfl:

[CapZap1970]

Herr Kptlt. Balz:
As always, it's a pleasure to have you back.
Due to the constant success of your patrols, I've decided to be the official coordinator for your welcome parties. ;)
Consuela told me that since you are the main source of income, she is giving me a special rate until war is over. :up:
:rotfl: :rotfl:
CapZap

[Brag]

Please forward to Volkisher Beobachter, Berlin.
From Hans Offen, special correspondent.

The U-Boot captains have become famous for their excentricities. Captain Kptlt. J'S' Balz certainly meets this definition. At a base in France, he watches the loading of torpedoes from the bridge of U-53 dressed in striped trousers, reefer jacket and bowler hat. From time to time, his head twitches and he murmurs, "Hoochie-woochie."

There is an air of tension on board U-53, which is being sent off to sea much sooner than normal. The rumour is U-53 has been selected for a special mission.
My presence aboard has reinforced the rumour. I will be reporting on this mission at regular intervals.

[Brag]

To Kptlt Johen Mohr (Eyes only)
From BDU

You are the grand expert on harbour raids.
We are planning an operation into Portsmouth, could you give a briefing on location of minefields, antisubmarine nets, enemy patrols, depth of water and other information on this target?

Your assistance is expected and appreciated.

Doenitz

From: Korvettenkapitän Mohr
to: BDU

in wich way ? leaning him in the minefields or arround them ? :hmm: :rotfl:

Ahem, this is serious business, Mohr. You must do your duty as an officer in the Kriegsmarine. :stare:

[Foghladh_mhara]

Sweet Jesus make it stop :cry:

[Kaleu. Jochen Mohr]

To Kptlt Johen Mohr (Eyes only)
From BDU

You are the grand expert on harbour raids.
We are planning an operation into Portsmouth, could you give a briefing on location of minefields, antisubmarine nets, enemy patrols, depth of water and other information on this target?

Your assistance is expected and appreciated.

Doenitz
From: Korvettenkapitän Mohr
to: BDU

in wich way ? leaning him in the minefields or arround them ? :hmm: :rotfl:
Ahem, this is serious business, Mohr. You must do your duty as an officer in the Kriegsmarine. :stare:

okok. i shal do a recon and send the needed data to BDU personaly. :shifty:
dont you ever lough...

[Kaleu. Jochen Mohr]

From: Krvtkpt Mohr
to: BDU and Balz

i already did this port. in GWX and WAC... no subnets or minefields. only VERRY shallow parts.

if you cant maneuver your boat VERRY good then i reccomand you to stay our of there. one turn can end on land and dead :-?

luckaly for me i did maneuver my boat good and got in and out without damage :arrgh!:


i wish herr balz much luck and hope he make's a wrong turn though ;) :rotfl:

[Packerton]

Urgent mission update to J.S Balz.
From BDU -- URGENT.


We want you to sink the Hood and make it look like it was the Bismarcks doing.:arrgh!:

[Brag]

From: Krvtkpt Mohr
to: BDU and Balz

i already did this port. in GWX and WAC... no subnets or minefields. only VERRY shallow parts.

if you cant maneuver your boat VERRY good then i reccomand you to stay our of there. one turn can end on land and dead :-?

luckaly for me i did maneuver my boat good and got in and out without damage :arrgh!:


i wish herr balz much luck and hope he make's a wrong turn though ;) :rotfl:

Well done, Kvtkpt. Mohr. BTW congratz on your promotion :D .

[VolvicCH]

From: Kptlt. VolvicCH (Officer commanding) U-47 (somewhere north of Ireland)
To: BDU and J.S. Balz.

Sir.

You are my hero. I follow your exploits at sea on a monthly basis, by newsreels in the cinema in Lorient whenever I am in port. I have started to put aside money for the release of "Hoochie-woochie" grammophone, which, I understand, is to be released shortly. I have sent a letter to the Fuhrer, asking for his permission to rename my three sons Alfred, Hermann and Bernard to Johann, Sebastian and Balz upon my return to Das Vaterland. I eagerly await his reply. In the meantime, I will have to come up with some way to return to port as my boat currently has no conningtower, diesels or batteries. My crew is currently stitching together a cunning disguise for our boat. Using all the linen onboard, we have managed to camouflage our stricken boat in such a manner that it resembles a blue whale. I am confindent that this will allow us to escape detection by the evil and insipid Tommies. When we see each other in port, the first bottle of scnapps is on me. Untill then, I salute you.


Kind regards
Kptlt. VolvicCH

[Brag]

Herr Kptlt. Balz:
As always, it's a pleasure to have you back.
Due to the constant success of your patrols, I've decided to be the official coordinator for your welcome parties. ;)
Consuela told me that since you are the main source of income, she is giving me a special rate until war is over. :up:
:rotfl: :rotfl:
CapZap

From Kptlt J.S. Balz

Ach! Another man of towering intellect and good taste. Having a party coordinator will elevate these soirees to the level my greatness deserves. :smug: I urgently need another party before those nitwit admirals send me off on some ill-concieved operation.

[Brag]

From: Kptlt. VolvicCH (Officer commanding) U-47 (somewhere north of Ireland)
To: BDU and J.S. Balz.

Sir.

You are my hero. I follow your exploits at sea on a monthly basis, by newsreels in the cinema in Lorient whenever I am in port. I have started to put aside money for the release of "Hoochie-woochie" grammophone, which, I understand, is to be released shortly. I have sent a letter to the Fuhrer, asking for his permission to rename my three sons Alfred, Hermann and Bernard to Johann, Sebastian and Balz upon my return to Das Vaterland. I eagerly await his reply. In the meantime, I will have to come up with some way to return to port as my boat currently has no conningtower, diesels or batteries. My crew is currently stitching together a cunning disguise for our boat. Using all the linen onboard, we have managed to camouflage our stricken boat in such a manner that it resembles a blue whale. I am confindent that this will allow us to escape detection by the evil and insipid Tommies. When we see each other in port, the first bottle of scnapps is on me. Untill then, I salute you.


Kind regards
Kptlt. VolvicCH

Frm Kptlt. J.S. Balz
Herr VolvicCH, you obviously have excellent judgement in selecting your heroes. There is really no one better to admire than ME. :smug:
Wishing you a safe return and looking forward to that Schnapps.

Kptlt. J.S. Balz

[Kaleu. Jochen Mohr]

bah... i better didnt gave him the info... :shifty:
damn ego bastard

[Brag]

A smelly HMS at the entrance to Portsmouth Naval Base.
http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o207/Braguine/fsscr944.jpg


From Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz
To BDU
2 Nov. 1940.

After studying carefully the patrol patterns of the destroyers for half a night and one day, Demonstrating my superior skill, I went into Portsmouth as ordered. Toured the harbour undetected. 2 destroyers, 1 medium cargo, 2 small freighters and a light tanker were spotted. But no stinking Hood. Considering the narrow channel entrance and the 3 destroyers patrolling outside the channel. It was not worth waking up the RN.

Since my orders were to sink the Hood, again using superior stealth technique, I took my valuable sumbie out of this potential death trap to hunt the Hood elswhere. The people of Germany can sleep peacefully while the great Balz is at sea.:smug:

Although I did not encounter any problems I'll repeat Brag's recommendation. Stay out of Der Kanal!!

Everyone rejoice. Balz will be back, back, back!

Maybe CptZap can organize a PPP (Post Portsmouth Party)

[Kaleu. Jochen Mohr]

A smelly HMS at the entrance to Portsmouth Naval Base.
http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o207/Braguine/fsscr944.jpg


From Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz
To BDU
2 Nov. 1940.

After studying carefully the patrol patterns of the destroyers for half a night and one day, Demonstrating my superior skill, I went into Portsmouth as ordered. Toured the harbour undetected. 2 destroyers, 1 medium cargo, 2 small freighters and a light tanker were spotted. But no stinking Hood. Considering the narrow channel entrance and the 3 destroyers patrolling outside the channel. It was not worth waking up the RN.

Since my orders were to sink the Hood, again using superior stealth technique, I took my valuable sumbie out of this potential death trap to hunt the Hood elswhere. The people of Germany can sleep peacefully while the great Balz is at sea.:smug:

Although I did not encounter any problems I'll repeat Brag's recommendation. Stay out of Der Kanal!!

Everyone rejoice. Balz will be back, back, back!

Maybe CptZap can organize a PPP (Post Portsmouth Party)

you disobeyed orders. your secondary objective was sinking MERCIE'S ! :stare:
execution squad in ready herr balz (seems like we finaly gonne get rid of you :arrgh!:)

[Brag]

Hehe -- Still pursuing primary objective, your lordship :smug:

[Brag]

From Hans Offen, special correspondent.

Our U-boat sails out of Lorient shortly after dark. At first there is a relaxed, almost holiday feeling in the submarine. Captain Balz is on the bridge, still wearing his bowler's hat. "When you're the best, it always feels good to sail," he says, perhaps ironically.

We travel at full speed ahead rounding the brittany coast. By morning we are in the dreaded Der Kanal and we dive. The routine aboard the sub is: some people sleep, others play cards.

By evening, northwest of Cherbourg, we surface and dash for the Island of Whigt. At 2317 we sight the British Island. Hugging the shore we submerge. The Hidrophone operator reports several targets. We round the island and surface to replenish air.

At first light we submerge again. Captain Balz and the navigator work at the plotting table mapping the patrol patterns of 3 enemy destroyers guarding the approaches into Portsmouth.

By noon, Captain Balz says, "Here's the hoochie woochie." His finger rests on a one thousand meter gap between patrol areas.

"We hardly need change course to get into that bottleneck," Balz says. It's the hoochie woochie."

After dark, the submarine raises, its decks awash. The batteries are doing great but the air needs refreshing. Half way across to the entrance to Portsmouth, Balz orders periscope depth and silent running.

We can hear a destroyer not far.

An hour later we are in the channel into Porstmouth.

"Sheisse." Balz says as he orders the periscope down. "The BDU idiots sent us on a fools errand. He turns to me, smiles, and says. "Who did you piss off in Berlin to get this assignment?"

We wait till nightfall, surface to get some air, then dive and get back out. I was allowed a quick view of England on the periscope. A rare reward nowadays.

[Kaleu. Jochen Mohr]

Hehe -- Still pursuing primary objective, your lordship :smug:

:shifty: you left the harbour after you saw there was no Hood... wich wasnt your objective.

[Brag]

Hehe -- Still pursuing primary objective, your lordship :smug:

:shifty: you left the harbour after you saw there was no Hood... wich wasnt your objective.

Huh?
Please read Admiral Raeder's orders.

[Kaleu. Jochen Mohr]

Hehe -- Still pursuing primary objective, your lordship :smug:

:shifty: you left the harbour after you saw there was no Hood... wich wasnt your objective.
Huh?
Please read Admiral Raeder's orders.

you read :shifty:

Your Primary Mission is as follows: Infiltrate the defences of Portsmoth and sink any British Capital Ships docked there. Also take reconissence shots of the port defences as intelligence prior to Operation SEELOWE

Secondray Mission: Infiltrate the defences of Portsmoth and sink any ship merchant or navy. Also take reconissence shots of the port defences as intelligence prior to Operation SEELOWE

When you have completed your objective proceed to complete your patrol grid.

[IrischKapitan]

BDU

TO:
Kptlt J.S. Balz,

I knew Der Fuhrer would refuse your request even though he is a great fan of you, and of, ahem, your great skill as a songwriter.

The following is top secret!

Lufwaffe aeriel intelligence reports that a large battle-cruiser possibly HMS HOOD or another large Royal Navy Battlship is docked in Portsmoth. It is probabaly a safegaurd against operation SEELOWE

Since you are our best commander and we may never get a chance to demish British morale like this again.

Your Primary Mission is as follows: Infiltrate the defences of Portsmoth and sink any British Capital Ships docked there. Also take reconissence shots of the port defences as intelligence prior to Operation SEELOWE

Secondary Mission: Infiltrate the defences of Portsmoth and sink any ship merchant or navy. Also take reconissence shots of the port defences as intelligence prior to Operation SEELOWE

When you have completed your objective proceed to complete your patrol grid.

Should you complete this mission (surley a pice of cake to you), I'm sure the Fuhrer will complete any request of yours and I shall personally assure that ''Der Hoochie Woochie'' shall be broadcast over the international airwaves in your honour. Who knows enemy troops may surrender when hearing it !!

Good Luck, und Gut Jadgt!

Gross Adrimal Reader
Reader
Ehh, i think Mohr is right.....

EDIT: Mohr beat me to it!!

[Kaleu. Jochen Mohr]

meeting with the execution squad balz :arrgh!:

[Brag]

From Kptlt. Joseph Sebastian Balz
(Known as Balz the Magnificent & underwater genious) Yeah, that's me :smug:

Continuing search for the Hood and sinking ships, 46,000 BRT, 11 torpedoes left :smug:

Working on new song: Wo Sind Deine Wasserbomben You Hoochie-woochie :smug:

[Kaleu. Jochen Mohr]

From Kptlt. Joseph Sebastian Balz
(Known as Balz the Magnificent & underwater genious) Yeah, that's me :smug:

Continuing search for the Hood and sinking ships, 46,000 BRT, 11 torpedoes left :smug:

Working on new song: Wo Sind Deine Wasserbomben You Hoochie-woochie :smug:

your dead... the execution squad killed you for not compleeting your secondary objective...
even you Hoochie-woochie isnt broadcasting anymore (THANK GOD!:rock:)

[Biggles]

Should Sweden object, I volunteer to sink their Navy.

Oh no you don't!:stare:



:hmm: :lol: