A bad joke

[SUBMAN1]

A woman goes to her doctor's office,to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.


A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"


The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[waste gate]

:rotfl:

[jumpy]

heh...

you coat is on the hook near the door. :roll::lol:

[P_Funk]

That wasn't bad at all!

[Reaves]

Haha good one. Here's another.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking Through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

[waste gate]

Very good Reaves!!
:rotfl:

[sunvalleyslim]

Hey Reeves,
Don't quit your day job................LOL........:D :D :D

[Reaves]

Statistics say a man gets hit by a car everyday in Melbourne.

Police are trying to find him before he really gets hurt.

:huh:

[Skybird]

Statistics say a man gets hit by a car everyday in Melbourne.

Police are trying to find him before he really gets hurt.

:huh:

:lol: :up:

[TteFAboB]

A man walks into a book store and the bookseller tries to push him a book about logic:

"Logic? What's logic?"
"It's a kind of reasoning"
"What do you mean?"
"Here, let me give you an example: do you have a fish tank in your home?"
"Yes, I do!"
"It would be logical to deduce that there is water inside it."
"Yes, of course there is!"
"And if there's water, there's certainly fish in it aswell."
"Obviously!"
"Perhaps you have children who look after the fish."
"Yes, I have."
"And if you have children, I can make a logical deduction: you're married."
"Yes, I am!"
"If you're married, then you're not gay"
"No, of course not."
"That's it, that's logic. A kind of reasoning that leads you to sound conclusions."

The man bought everything the bookseller pushed at him and went back home all excited about logic. He meets a friend along the way and attempts to explain everything to him but his friend can't understand, so he tries to give an example:

"Logic is very simple. Look: do you have a fish tank?"
"No."
"Then...you're gay?!"

[HunterICX]

Osama comes at the gates of Heaven,
St.peter turns around and yells
Ey God! did you call a Cab?!

[The Avon Lady]

You want bad? :arrgh!:

I'll give yas bad! :arrgh!:

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft it sank- proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot
my paw."

4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while
in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu
he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a
while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the
waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's
no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as
they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his
habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03
p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the
bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut
extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made
with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at
his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This
isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the
bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under
a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his
typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book
and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers
digest and writers cramp.

10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns
would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

11. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends
a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen
Juan, you've seen Amal."

Can ya feel the pain?! :arrgh!:

[KevinB]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

[Monica Lewinsky]

This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"
And the pirate says...
Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shxt in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shxt!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

how much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
a buccaneer

[jumpy]

Noah has a new project.

God sends Noah an e-mail with a set of plans and instructions attached.

It says:
Build an ark. A chuffing great big ark with ten floors, install swimming pools the full length of the ark.

Go fishing.

Catch all the Carp you possibly can. Put them in the swimming pools.....



....



...


..



.


This is going to be the worlds first....


...


..


.

Multi-story carp ark!

[Antidike]

Noah has a new project.

God sends Noah an e-mail with a set of plans and instructions attached.

It says:
Build an ark. A chuffing great big ark with ten floors, install swimming pools the full length of the ark.

Go fishing.

Catch all the Carp you possibly can. Put them in the swimming pools.....



....



...


..



.


This is going to be the worlds first....


...


..


.

Multi-story carp ark!

Very witty these are all actually funny enough to make me laugh

[U-104]

Statistics say a man gets hit by a car everyday in Melbourne.

Police are trying to find him before he really gets hurt.

:huh:

now that one is good.:lol:

[d@rk51d3]

Have any of you guys seen the new pirate movie?

I cant remember the name, but it's rated: aaaaarrgh!

[WilhelmSchulz.]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU' RE OLD AND DONT MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
(Not that any of you are that!)

>George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
>told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could
>see from the bedroom window.
>
>George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
>were people in the shed stealing things.
>
>He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
>"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
>lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
>
>George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
>
>"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
>shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot
>them all." Then he hung up.
>
>Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
>ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
>red-handed.
>
>One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
>them!"
>
>George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
>
>(True Story) I LOVE IT.

[Safe-Keeper]

:rotfl:Way to waste police resources.

A journalist is given a tour of a mental hospital, and asks how the techs find out if a guy is crazy. He is shown a bathroom with a full bathtub, a teaspoon, a teapot, and a bucket. 'It's very simple', says the tech. 'We merely take them in here and tell them to empty the tub'. 'Ah', says the journalist, 'so whereas normal people would use the bucket, the lunatics will resort to the spoon or the teapot!'.

'No', says the tech, 'the sane ones pull the plug. Would you like a room with a view?'

- - - - - - - - -

In a small village in the South there was once a pastor who had taken to breeding chickens. One day, however, he found that his pen had been broken into and that his award-winning rooster was missing. He strode in fury to the church, in which he demanded, 'who here has a cock?!'. All the men stood up. The pastor was flustered. 'No, I mean, who here has seen a cock that doesn't belong to them', he corrected himself. All the women stood up. 'No, no, no, I mean, who here has seen my cock?!'

The organ boy, seven choir girls, and a ruffled billy goat stood up.

- - - - - - - - -


An 'inside joke'. Supposedly only Jews understand this one:

Two Jewish women met while strolling in the park. One of them had a baby carriage with twins. The mother proudly presented her infant offspring: 'This is my child the astronaut, and here's my child the lawyer'.

[Jimbuna]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[Sulikate]

:rotfl:
Keep 'em coming!

[Jimbuna]

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

[GakunGak]

What the movies teach us....

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts; your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are a blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noise in their most revealing underwear.
20. Word processors never display a cursor on the screen but will always
say: "Enter password now."
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readout's so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is the total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
........... The Russians used a pencil
Random others I have been told:
If youre car is on fire, if you get out and jump in the air, it will explode.
When firing a gun, the firers arm may jolt back a few centimetres, a few milimetres or none at all, but anyone hit will fly back many many metres into the air.
You can fire two guns with the exact same, sometimes better, accuracy than with one.
-------------------------------------------------------
Check Up

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
"Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.

"And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"


"You're going to die," she replied.
-------------------------------------
:lol:

[Safe-Keeper]

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.:rotfl:That is so true.

[GakunGak]

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.:rotfl:That is so true.
It happens....:yep:

[Dowly]

What's pink and lays at the bottom of the ocean?
-Moby's dick

----------------------------------

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yaht by the pier, I paid for that yaht by giving head jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life.

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars'

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy."

----------------------------------

10 things not to tell your girlfriend

10. Come on, who's gonna find out?

9. I promise you wont choke.

8. Can I get you in the pooper?

7. Trust me, I'm a professional.

6. Well, your sister likes it like that.

5. Wow look at the ass on her!

4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?

3. I gotta poop.

2. Oh you forgot to shave today too?

1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

[nikimcbee]

----------------------------------

10 things not to tell your girlfriend

10. Come on, who's gonna find out?

9. I promise you wont choke.

8. Can I get you in the pooper?

7. Trust me, I'm a professional.

6. Well, your sister likes it like that.

5. Wow look at the ass on her!

4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?

3. I gotta poop.

2. Oh you forgot to shave today too?

1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.


Okay, did you learn this the hard way? :dead:

[TarJak]

The 3 Lies:

1. This'll only hurt for a little while.

2. I'll only put the head of it in.

3. I promise that I'll never come in your mouth.

[Jimbuna]

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[fredbass]

Little Johnnie walks into the bathroom one day and catches his mom stepping out of the shower. He looks down between her legs and sees her bush. Johnnie says: Mommie, Mommie, what is that? Mommie says: Oh thats my sponge, I use it to clean myself. Later, to the kinky request of her husband, Johnnie's mom shaved hereself. Well the next day, Johnnie catches his mom coming out of the shower again and notices the sponge is gone. Johnnie says: Mommie, Mommie, where did your sponge go. Mommie replies: Oh it got dirty honey, so I threw it away. Then one day, Johnnie comes storming into the house yelling towards his mom: Mommie, Mommie, I found your sponge. Mrs. Smith is washing daddies face with it. :D :o

Edit: I hope this is clean enough to keep.

[Jimbuna]

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''

[Dowly]

----------------------------------

10 things not to tell your girlfriend

10. Come on, who's gonna find out?

9. I promise you wont choke.

8. Can I get you in the pooper?

7. Trust me, I'm a professional.

6. Well, your sister likes it like that.

5. Wow look at the ass on her!

4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?

3. I gotta poop.

2. Oh you forgot to shave today too?

1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

Okay, did you learn this the hard way? :dead:

No you dummkopf! But I can assure you that girls dont mind if you tell them the number 3, I do it all the time. :smug: Hmm... :hmm:

[kiwi_2005]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four
of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of
the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on
each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

NO, THERE'S MORE ...
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which
he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus
parrotshooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

[Jimbuna]

Drug used by women to seduce men

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:


Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...

[Antidike]

Drug used by women to seduce men

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:


Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...

:rotfl: you've figured out the plan then!:lol:

[TarJak]

A bear walks into a bar in Barstow and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and say "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Barstow"
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him "WE don't serve beer to bears in bars in Barstow ".
The bear, very angry now, says "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender, once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Barstow."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Barstow that are on drugs."
The bear says "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "Yes you are, that was a bar bitch you ate.

[ajrimmer42]

The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

.................................................. .................................................. ................

Three men walk into a bar and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

.................................................. .................................................. ................

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says "is this a joke?"

.................................................. .................................................. ................

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

.................................................. .................................................. ................

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his mobile and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

[hoagiedriver]

You're right. That is a bad joke

[Jimbuna]

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

[Safe-Keeper]

jimbuna's last one was awesome. Not to mention the one with the hunter and the Sherlock Holmes one:D.

[Jimbuna]

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

[caspofungin]

how do you make a cat go "woof?"

douse it in gasoline and throw on a match

.................................................. .........

how do you make dog go "meow?"

feed it through a band saw.

[Chock]

Not very politically correct, but funny all the same:

How do you get five fat chicks into a small car?

Piece of cake!

--------------

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other: 'Okay, how do we drive this thing then?'

--------------

Paddy is on an airliner going to America, when the captain comes on the PA and announces: 'Ladies and gentlemen, we seem to be having a spot of bother with the number one engine, so we've shut it down, please don't be alarmed, with three good engines, all it means is we'll be delayed by about half an hour in arriving at JFK, owing to our reduced speed.'
Paddy looks around at the passengers, slightly concerned, but aside from a few grumbles from the odd person, no-one seems unduly worried.
Five minutes later, the captain comes on the PA again, announcing that number two engine has done the same thing, but he again advises them not to worry, and all it means is that they will now be arriving at JFK an hour later than planned, owing to the reduced cruising speed of the aeroplane.
Again, people fidget and grumble a bit, but nobody is particularly worried, so Paddy assumes this is fairly normal.
Ten minutes later, the captain is on again, telling everyone that number three engine has conked out, and that they will no longer be able to cruise at high altitude, which means they will now be three hours late in arriving at JFK.
Paddy shouts out: 'Oh for feck's sake! If that last engine goes, we'll be up here all fecking night!'

--------------

The captain of an El-Al flight switches on the PA as an airliner reaches its cruise altitude: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard flight EA725 to Tel Aviv, we are currently cruising at thirty-five thousand feet, but to you, thirty-four.'


:D Chock

[Reaves]

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

:rotfl::rotfl:

[Safe-Keeper]

A small plane with a Brit, a Japanese, an American and a Mexican experienced engine problems over the Atlantic and had lose weight to stay aloft. After having thrown all of their luggage out, they were still too heavy. So the Brit bravely decided to sacrifice himself to save his friends. 'For Queen and Country', he cried, as he threw himself out the door and fell to his death. But the plane was still too heavy, so the Japanese made a decision to give his life for his remaining buddies. 'For the Emperor', he cried as he jumped out the door. But still, the plane was too heavy, so the American boldly made up his mind: 'Remember the Alamo', he shouted, and threw out the Mexican.

[fatty]

A Russian man, a Spanish man, and a Chinese man arrive at a construction site for their first day of work. The foreman comes out, greets them, and assigns them their duties for the day.

"Russian man," he says, "I need you to take this wheelbarrow and go handle the landscaping. Spanish man, you should go help pour the cement. Chinese man, you're in charge of supplies."

Several hours later the Russian man and the Spanish man meet during a break.

"Russian man," says the Spanish man, "where is Chinese man? I haven't seen him all day!"

Then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind a wall and yells "SUPPLIES!"

[Safe-Keeper]

Aww, pool venelable Chinese man:rotfl:.

[Reaves]

A Russian man, a Spanish man, and a Chinese man arrive at a construction site for their first day of work. The foreman comes out, greets them, and assigns them their duties for the day.

"Russian man," he says, "I need you to take this wheelbarrow and go handle the landscaping. Spanish man, you should go help pour the cement. Chinese man, you're in charge of supplies."

Several hours later the Russian man and the Spanish man meet during a break.

"Russian man," says the Spanish man, "where is Chinese man? I haven't seen him all day!"

Then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind a wall and yells "SUPPLIES!"


Reminds me of an old Weird Al Yankovic movie called 'The Vidiot from VHS.' There is a guy who jumps out of the supply closet and yells it. :rotfl:

[Reaves]

Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"

And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,


"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now i've been nice to the NZ'ers i'll add this! :p

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an All Black rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Kiwi fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and NZ rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies,
"Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said,
"he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know s**t about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

[Jimbuna]

LMAO :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Sailor Steve]

Three sons have spent their lives competing with each other. As their mother's 90th birthday approaches they describe what they're doing for her.

John, the oldest: "I've bought mom a 30-room mansion. She'll spend her last days in luxury."

Joe: "I got her a limousine, with a chauffeur to drive her anywhere she wants to go."

Dave: "I think I've finally outdone you guys. I searched the world until I found the perfect gift. You know how much mom loves the bible. Well, I found a parrot that was raised by Benedictine monks. You can say the first word of any passage in the bible, and this parrot will quote the entire verse."


Mom sends thank-you letters:

Dear John: Thank you so much for the big house. I live in three rooms and have to clean thirty.

Dear Joe: Thank you so much for the car. I never go anywhere and the driver is rude to me.

Dear David: Thank you for knowing what a mother truly likes. The chicken was delicious.

[antikristuseke]

Juri Gagarin was not the first man in space, his unnamed predacessor simply wasnt loyal ennough to hold his breath when the life suport system failed.

[Safe-Keeper]

Dear David: Thank you for knowing what a mother truly likes. The chicken was delicious.:rotfl:

[Chock]

An Aer Lingus Boeing is coming into land.
'Runway in soight Seamus,' says the Captain.
'Roger dat, Paddy,' replies the Co-pilot.
'Give me foive degrees of flaps,' the Captain says.
'Foive it is,' replies the Co-pilot.
'Ten degrees,' says the Captain.
'Dere ya go, ten degrees flaps,' the Co-pilot calls.
'Holy crap, give me tirty degrees of flaps and full spoilers!' shouts the Captain.
'No,' he shouts, 'give me all the flaps we've got and put the engines in full reverse now!' he shouts to the Co-pilot.
'You got it,' replies Seamus.
As the plane slams onto the runway, the Captain yells to the Co-pilot: 'Stand on the brakes with me Seamus, or we're all dead!'
Paddy and Seamus stand on the brakes with the engines howling away in full reverse thrust, and they screech to a halt with the nosewheel teetering on the edge of the runway, half an inch from being on the grass.
'Holy mother of Jayzus, Paddy, Dat's the shortest runway I've ever landed on.'
Paddy looks out of the right window: 'But will you look how wide the feckin thing is Seamus'.

:D Chock

[Safe-Keeper]

Meteorologists predict a major flood, and evacuation has been ordered by the authorities. A Christian pastor stands outside his house, watching his friends pack their cars. 'Hop in', one cries to him, 'we've got room! We'll take you to safety, just pack some clothes and other things you need!'. Bu the pastor replies calmly, 'I don't need your help, my son. I am a man of God, and He will surely look after me and ensure my survival'.

Hours after the departure of the pastor's friends, rain starts to pound the neighborhood. The next day, the flood water is a meter deep. Patrolling rescue workers come by the house in an inflatable, and see the pastor serenely looking out the window. 'Why are you still here', they yell to him. 'Hey, get in, we'll take you to the refugee centre!'. But again the pastor refuses help. 'I am a pastor, friends', he calms them. 'The Lord will look after me, for He needs his faithful to spread the Word and do good in this world'. Reluctantly, the rescue workers leave.

Days after, the pastor has retreated to the roof of his house. A helicopter arrives and hovers over the house, but again he refuses their help. He is God's servant, and is ensured protection. No help needed. The chopper flies off and disappears into the grey clouds. Hours afterwards, the water engulfs the house and drowns the pastor.

The pastor is dumbstruck when he stands before God. 'My Lord, I've been serving you for years. Why did you not save my life?'

The Lord, after having banged his head into the nearest wall, thunders upon his child, 'You bloody idiot! I sent you a Range Rover, an inflatable, and a National Guard helicopter! What more did you want?!'

:p

[Jimbuna]

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge? A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.

Q:What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A:Locking the car door.

Q:What's the difference between a blonde and the internet?
A:Not everyone's been on the internet!

[Sailor Steve]

A priest was out for his evening constitutional when he heard a wee, small voice call "Help me, father! Please help me!" Looking around, he finally saw a small frog sitting on a tree stump.

"Glory be", said the priest, "a talking frog!"

"I wasn't always a frog", replied the frog, "I used to be a lovely choirboy. A wicked witch turned me into a frog, and said the only way I could be restored was if a kindly soul should take me to his very own house, give me a cup of warm soup and let me sleep in his very own bed!"

Seeing no harm in this, the priest took the frog to his house, gave him a cup of warm soup and tucked him into his very own bed, himself sleeping on the sofa. When he awoke in the morning he looked into the bedroom, and there, sleeping soundly, was a lovely choirboy.









And that, Your Honor, is the case for the defense.

[Jimbuna]

LMAO
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[U-533]

The Perfectly Politically Correct Joke.

Individuals entered somewhere.
Something needed to happen.
Only nothing did.
Everyone wondered if everyone else would be offended.


======================

There was a female Ecologist, and a male Construction worker, and a female Politician, all listening to a male Bum, laying in the gutter, bitching about how screwed up his life is.

The Bum complained about how he felt threatened by Global Warming or just plain extreme weather patterns and this was one reason for his drinking problem.

The female Ecologist agreed with him.

The Bum then spoke of how he felt useless in the eyes of the government so he never bothered to vote, but he was thankful for the free handouts now and then from the government.

The female Politician spoke comforting words to him and told him to vote for her in the next election and she would see to it that he would be taken care of.

The Construction Worker looked at the female Ecologist and said "Nice tits. If your a lesbian I'm sure I can change your mind"

Upon hearing this the female Politician became completely upset saying "You men are all alike... all you think about is sex sex sex. Your never concerned about the poor woman's needs or wants ... you just screw any thing that will let you screw it... I think all men who are not gay should be castrated... IN FACT WHEN I'M ELECTED PRESEDENT I WILL DO ALL IN MY POWER TO BRING DOWN THIS GOVERNMENT RUN BY MEN AND BUILD A NEW KINDER MORE UNDERSTANDING AND GIVING GOVERNMENT WHERE EACH PERSON WILL HAVE THE SAME AMOUNT AS THE NEXT EACH PERSON WILL BE EXPECTED TO GIVE TO RECIEVE AND IF A PERSON CANT OR WONT THEN THEY WILL BE CONSIDERED A BURDEN TO THIS SOCITEY AND BE ELIMINATED!!!!"

The male Construction Worker said "DAHAAAAMMMMNNNn....Well, Hillary, I would have offered to screw you ...but, your ugly."

=======

[Jimbuna]

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?'' The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

[kiwi_2005]

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

[Jimbuna]

(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ''Peace unto you'' I say ''Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy''

[jumpy]

^^
rofl :lol:

[Antidike]

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?'' The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

me and a friend of mine loved it, great one, a round of applause is needed.

[Jimbuna]

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[w-subcommander]

If English speaking countries had their Little Johny, Russians had Little Vovochka ( from Vladimir AKA Vovochka, Vova, Vovan)
------------
Teacher to Little Vova: I have a report that you told to your classmates that Maria Ivavova is bitch. You have to go to the classroom and announce 3 times that she is not a bitch and tell that you are sorry about this incedent.
Vova came to the classroom and anounced to the classmates: Maria Ivanova is not a bitch. Maria Ivanova is NOT a BITCH??????? MARIA IVANOVA IS NOT A BITCH??????????????!!!!!!!!!!... I m sorry , poor naive creatures.
__________________
12 years olds Little Vovochka and Masha Ivanova are sitting it the classroom and chatting during the lesson:
Masha: 'Dude, I m totally f*cked up: I have a problem I m sure that I m pregnant at least for 3 month and I really dont have a clue who is the fatheer.'
Little Vovochka:'I m f*cked up too: I ve got siphilis 12 weeks ago and also dont know who is the source.'
Olga Nilovaevna(teacher) : Vovochka Tell me sweet kid ... 6 times 6... what is result of this multplication?
Little Vovochka: 6x6 = 36,Olga Nikolaevna and I really wish I have problems like yours.
----------------------------------------
-Why are you crying Little Vovochka?
-My mom told my father that he is a donkey and in respond dad said that she is a cow.
- and what?
- I m just thinking WHO am I?

[Jimbuna]

This one's a bit old....but some of you may not have seen it before ;)

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the ****! Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any ******* will do.

[caspofungin]

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and goes to his dad.
"Dad, what's the difference between reality and potential?"
His dad thinks for a few minutes, then sends him off to ask his mom a question.
"Mom," asks Johnny, "would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
His mom's surprised at the question, but eventually answers, "Well, sure, for a million dollars." Johnny goes back to his dad, and is promptly sent off to ask his sister a question.
"Sis," asks Johnny, "would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
His sister's surprised, but she too answers, "Well, sure, for a million dollars."
Johnny goes back to his dad.
"Well, son, now do you understand?"
"Sure dad. Potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

[caspofungin]

1 more...

Little Johnny's in class, and the teacher's asking the kids what their parents do.
"My dad's a doctor," say one. "An engineer," says another. "A soldier," "A lawyer," "A fireman," and so on.
Eventually the teacher gets to Johnny. "What does your dad do, Johnny."
"He's dead, miss."
The teacher is horrified. "I'm so sorry, Johnny. Well, what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shat himself."

[Jimbuna]

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?" "Because I want you to come second for once!"

[Sailor Steve]

Three men are awaiting admittance to heaven. Saint Peter asks them all the same question: How did you die?

The first man says "Well, I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home from work early and searched the apartment. Sure enough, when I went out on the balcony and looked down, there was this man hanging from our railing. I was so mad I went and picked up the refrigerator and dropped it on him. That was too much for me; I had a heart attack and died."

Peter looks at him, and then says "That's pretty iffy. It might be murder or it might be justified by the heat of the moment. I'm going to have to talk to the boss. Your turn."

The second man says " I was outside on my balcony exercising when I had a dizzy spell and fell off. I managed to catch myself on the railing. I thought I was going to be able to climb up when this crazy man drops a refrigerator on my head! I didn't have a chance after that!"

Peter says "That's not your fault at all. You can go right in. Now, what's your story?"

The third man says "Well, I was hiding in this refrigerator..."

[Jimbuna]

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop. The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

[HunterICX]

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop. The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

:rotfl: A classic one!

[Antidike]

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop. The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

Bravo a wonderful joke had me laughing for hours:rotfl::lol::D

[donut]

I got into a accident so time ago. Unfortunatly the airbag deployed....

I haven't been able to shut her up since.

[Jimbuna]

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''
The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.'' It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''

[Sailor Steve]

Hmm...that sounds familiar.

[Antidike]

Hmm...that sounds familiar.

Hmm i agree very familiar

[Jimbuna]

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.'' The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

[Antidike]

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?" "Because I want you to come second for once!"
lol very amusing.

[Antidike]

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.'' The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

And another great one by Jimbuna wonderful one!

[Von Tonner]

An old classic.


WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

[Von Tonner]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, Her
father cussed her out.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did
Ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? ! "The girl, crying,
replied, "(sniff, sniff)....Dad....I became a prostitute. "Ye what!!? Out
of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $5
million.
For my little brother this gold Rolex; and for ye, daddy, the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside; plus a
membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for
ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "(sniff, sniff)....a prostitute Dad! (sniff, sniff)."

"Oh! Be Jesus! -- Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye
said' a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

[Jimbuna]

@Both

LMAO
:rotfl: :rotfl: