Horrible jokes

[Reaves]

Steven Spielberg invited four of the greatest action stars and offered each one a part in his new masterpiece about famous musicians of history. He offered each star the opportunity to choose their own character.

Stalone quickly announced that he would choose Mozart as he enjoys listening to his music.

Van Dam chose Gershwin as he currently had him on his IPOD.

Chuck Norris decided to be Chopin because when he first read the name he pronouced it Chopping and thought Chopin must share his love of martial arts.

When It was Arnie's turn, he simply looked at everyone as he stood up and said "I'll be Bach" before walking out the door.

:down:

[Skybird]

:damn: :rotfl:

[darius359au]

*looks around for a rock to throw at Reaves* :rotfl::rotfl:

[Sledgehammer427]

lol

i got one for ya

guy gets on an airplane (commercial) and he sits down, window seat. he spots a very pretty blonde getting on, he freaks out, placing his bag on the seat next to him, then she got there and asked to sit down "sure" he said.
she sits down, a few moments pass.
he attempts to break the ice...
"business or pleasure?"
"both actually" the woman says.
"really?"
"yes, im with nymphomaniacs anonymous, im helping some women out with their problems, and dispelling some rumors..."
"rumors?"
"yes, like many people assume the african-americans and latinos have larger penises, but actually, its the jews and native americans..."
she blushes, and chuckles
"i didnt even get your name"
"oh, im sorry, Tanto, Tanto Goldstein"
:up:

[jumpy]

*groan*

:down:


those are all as bad as this:

2 guys sitting in a pub, having a drink after work.
First guys says "My old dog, she's go no nose..."
Second guy asks "How does she smell, then?"
First guy replied "Terrible."



:dead::dead:

[Mush Martin]

Two Newfies walk into a bar, ...........You'd think the second one wouldve
seen it.:|\\

[P_Funk]

"oh, im sorry, Tanto, Tanto Goldstein"
:up:
I heard that one only a few days ago, only it wasn't Jews, it was Irish.

The name was like... Tanto O'Brien. I think that sounds funnier.

But I got one.

A blond and a brunette come to a river from opposite banks. The Brunette calls out to the blond and asks "how do I get to the other side?"

The blond thinks for a minute and then replies "you're already on the other side".

[kiwi_2005]

Heard about the professional blonde that walked into a store to steal goods. She stole free samples.
:dead:

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERTLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not a WA*KER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR

[P_Funk]

:rotfl:

Hey kiwi this is supposed to be about BAD jokes.

[HunterICX]

Big bad wolf:

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
Stopping, she says,
"My, Mr. Wolf, what big eyes you have."
The startled wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he's crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, "
says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf quickly jumps up and runs away.
A couple of miles further, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he's crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams ...
"Will you f*ck off!!! I'm trying to take a sh!t''

[kiwi_2005]

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

[joea]

"Mommy Mommy I hate my sister's guts"

"Shut up and eat what's on your plate" :oops: :nope:

[John Channing]

Doctor walks into the recovery room and says to the patient "I have good news and bad news".

The patient says "Give me the bad news first, Doc."

The Doctor says "The operation didn't go as well as we had hoped. Instead of aputating only one of your legs, we had to amuptate both".

"GOOD LORD" says the patient. "What's the good news?"

"The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!"

JCC

[Fish]

There was a Green Beret who had four daughters. He was in a habit of worrying about his daughters and always answered the door with a sawed-off shotgun. One night he hears a knock at the door and find a young man standing there. The young man says: "My name is Freddy, I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready."The Green Beret thought that was cute so he let them go out.Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He sayd: "My name is Lance. I h've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by change?" Again the Green Beret thought it was cute and let them go, Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He sayd:"My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. Whe're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Once again the Green Beret thought it was cute and let them go. Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He sayd:"My name is Chuck,"........The Green Beret shot him.

[Fish]

Service Rivalry

Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,"I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Green Beret, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret's boot and spit in it.
When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.
The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Green Beret asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?"

[SUBMAN1]

I'm not quite here yet age wise, but found it kind of funny:

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST WHEN I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE!

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL?

"YES - YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT, GRAY, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[The Avon Lady]

I got one!

Question: how do you keep a moron in suspense?

[Dowly]

I got one!

Question: how do you keep a moron in suspense?

*Tearing hair out of the head* COME OoOoON!!! TELL MEEE!!!!!! :rotfl:

[John Channing]

I got one!

Question: how do you keep a moron in suspense?

I give up. How?

Well? Well?




Wait... what?

JCC

[Thniper]

I got one!

Question: how do you keep a moron in suspense?

I give up. How?

Well? Well?




Wait... what?

JCC

*** SPOILER ***

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Answer:
I'll tell you tomorrow.


Hahaha... we had a jolly good laugh.:down:

[Bort]

Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?

Because Ewar Woowar is just ridiculous.
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
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This one is bad:

A man is sitting at home with his three children when the first comes up to him and says, "Dad why am I called Rose?". "Well," he says, "when you were born a rose petal fell upon your head which gave me and your mother the idea to name you Rose." Content, she ran outside.
Next his second daughter came up and asked, "Why did you name me Daisy dad?". "Well it was the same as your sister, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head which gave me and your mother the idea to name you Daisy." And with a smile she skipped off.
His third daughter staggered up and said, "MMMWEEEBWAAAANNNNMMMMBEEEFTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPPPPPPPP PP"
"Oh sod off, Fridge!"
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Why did the scare crow win a Nobel Prize?

He was out standing in his field.
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A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
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What is green and brown, has eight legs, and would kill you if it jumped out of a tree onto your head?

A snooker table.
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What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.
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What's big, gray, and can't play the piano?

A parking lot.
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I'll be done now. :roll:

[Dan D]

http://img487.imageshack.us/img487/870/chickenjoke6sn9kf.gif

[Heibges]

A man lives in Florida, and has these magical dolphins who live in his swimming pool, and will live forever provided he feeds them one special type of sea bird, which luckily lives on a small island off the coast of Florida.

He gets in his boat one day and heads out to the island. At the same time, a tired old lioness escapes from a zoo, and finds her way into the man's backyard. The day is sunny, so the lioness goes to sleep on the path from the man's house to his swimming pool.

The man gets back from the island, and heads towards the pool to feed the dolphins from his bag of dead sea birds. He sees the old mangy lioness, isn't too worried so decides to step right over her, and keep walking to the pool.

At that moment Federal Agents jump out and arrest him. What do they charge him with?
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Transporting guls over a staid lion for immortal porpoises.