Entertain me while I watch gcc compile

[SUBMAN1]

I'm bored watching code scroll across the screen, so someone tell me a joke or something! :D Maybe I'll go look up a joke or two and post them.

-S

[The Avon Lady]

An oldie:

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo Roadster. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo Roadster. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320.

Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him, going 2, maybe 3 times as fast!

The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Roadster?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster?

Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror.

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

[Oberon]

Considering the last couple of posts I made were in the Iran thread, I think it's only fair I produce some Middle-Eastern themed jokes:

What do you call an Arab on drugs?
A Hierarchy.

Have you heard about the Arabian who has taken over Walkers crisps?
His name is Sultan Vinegar.

What do you call an Arab who needs the toilet?
Mustafa Leak.

There was an Arabian car company who has just started up by an elder tribesman, unfortunately the cars they make are very basic and lack the most basic suspension.
Yup, they're called Sheikh, Rattle and Roll.

No offence intended in above post, although likelihood of fatwa being issued is high. :up: :damn: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[The Avon Lady]

DISORDER IN COURT
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."
They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
**************************
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
**************************
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
**************************
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
**************************
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he Woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
**************************
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
**************************
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
**************************
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
**************************
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
**************************
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
**************************
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
**************************
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
**************************
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
**************************
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
**************************
Q: Did he kill you?
**************************
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
**************************
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
**************************
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
**************************
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
**************************
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
**************************
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
**************************
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
**************************
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
**************************
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a Deposition Notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
**************************
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
**************************
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
**************************
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
**************************
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
**************************
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

[Oberon]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Great stuff AL :up: Only seen a couple of them before!

[SUBMAN1]

An oldie:

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo Roadster. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo Roadster. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320.

Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him, going 2, maybe 3 times as fast!

The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Roadster?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster?

Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror.

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: I love it! Yes an oldie but a goodie!

[SUBMAN1]

Considering the last couple of posts I made were in the Iran thread, I think it's only fair I produce some Middle-Eastern themed jokes:

What do you call an Arab on drugs?
A Hierarchy.

Have you heard about the Arabian who has taken over Walkers crisps?
His name is Sultan Vinegar.

What do you call an Arab who needs the toilet?
Mustafa Leak.

There was an Arabian car company who has just started up by an elder tribesman, unfortunately the cars they make are very basic and lack the most basic suspension.
Yup, they're called Sheikh, Rattle and Roll.

No offence intended in above post, although likelihood of fatwa being issued is high. :up: :damn: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: SOme more good ones!

[SUBMAN1]

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


THis is the best one! :rotfl:

-S

[kiwi_2005]

CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, Thrashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bi*** to death with the chair!"

[SUBMAN1]

CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, Thrashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bi*** to death with the chair!"

Nice!

[kiwi_2005]

Last one from kiwi

Irish Viagra:lol:

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!." "Really? What happened" asked the doctor?

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tablet top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I be sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in "McDonalds" again.

[tycho102]

Hmmmmm. Entertainment. I might be able to figure something out along that line.

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