Penelope_Grey
03-04-07, 04:02 PM
The Crushing Return of U-101
Sometimes its just nice to be home Penelope mused to herself after a somewhat lucky escape she had from her previous patrol. She had since now set out on a new Patrol heading to grid AM53. As she guided her VIIB out of dock she stared at the well wishers in the crowd. They were all on hand to wave the departing U-boat off wishing luck. Her keen blue eye caught someone in the crowd to dare to blow her a kiss! Without so much as a word she shoved her lookouts out of the way and manned the flak cannon.
"NO NO NO Frau Kaleun!! Save it for the allies ya?!"
Her watch officer had stopped her doing an extremely silly thing. The same watch officer that would forever have the imprint of an Uzo on his forehead. But he stopped her and off the boat went.
She was trying to think of a way to summarise her last patrol in a word, crazy would be the one. She had took with her a Super Secret Evil Nazi Water And Enviromental Condition With Elemental Modifyer Tech Weather Machine or SSENWAECWEMTWM for short. She had made the stupid mistake of letting a new recruit named Bernard use the machine. As it turns out the mistake woudl cost her quite dearly.
She mused on the previous misadventure in her bunk as she lay there for a while. AM53 was a long way off yet! She remembered that the weather was not exactly perfect for the last voyage, some of the crew had offered her if she wanted them to use the SSENWAECWEMTWM to modify the weather for her so she could sunbathe while they were off the Spanish coast. It was a tempting offer! Though realising the crew had an ulterior motive she decided to have them keelhauled twice, so they knew their places. Then she took them up on their offer.
Sadly there was no deck chairs so instead she had the deck gun elevated slightly and with a bit of careful modifacation she set about relaxing in the warm Spanish sun.
"would you like a bit more sun Frau Kaleun" her crew asked her.
"No its perfectly fine as is thanks, but you could scrub the conning tower I am very worried about salt water corrosion."
They stared in disbelief not knowing why in blazes she would give them such an inane task as scrubbing the conning tower when the remaining 2/3's of the boat was in salt water permanently. When they didn't move she rattled a chain she had with her, it was just a small piece of chain. But it was enough to tell them there was a keelhaulin' coming if they didn't so off they went.
Feeling guilty about taking it easy she decided to go below and see if there was anything decent on the radio perhaps they could intercept something or whatever. She was climbing back onto the bridge and at the same time the watch was being changed. Bernard came up and said to Penelope
"Oh you look lovely today Frau Kaleun."
Penelope noted he was looking at her in a sort of sexual way. HOW DARE HE!! She remembered her rules about crew conduct when the boat was under way, and rule Number 472 cleary states "no crewman shall look at the commander in a way that can be construed as admiring her in a sexual or semi-sexual way." Obviously this fool had not read the rule book and memorised the rules!
"Do you think so, well for saying so have I got a treat for you. Raise the attack scope chief!" She called into the control room.
"what?!" he called back astonished.
"Just raise it!" She ordered.
The attack scope extended right the way up to full extension. She placed her hand against the scope and made a sort of pole dancing movement on it. She swivelled round behind the periscope and then made a 'come here' gesture to the unwitting crewman he advanced closer enthralled and somewhat embarassed truth be known.
"Hold out your arms" she said coyly.
He did.
She reached for his arms and tugged hard. He was yanked face first unsuspectingly into the attack periscope. The poor crewman fell to the floor holding his face.
"now, your job before you go on watch is to lower the attack periscope all the way."
"Yes Frau Kaleun, I'll go operate the switch."
"Ah, you perhaps didn't understand my actual wishes... I meant, lower the attack periscope, by hand! Start cranking!"
With that she disappeared below deck.
---------------------------
She smiled at the evil she inflicted on her crew from time to time, but it was not an easy job being the only female captain in the flotilla of the GWX universe. Certain standards had to be maintained, and he didn't know rule number 472 in her handbook that was his own fault. She had them all memorised so he had no excuse.
Then she remembered that things turned nasty then, the weather began to reset to normal because the SSENWAECWEMTWM was switched off. It was such a drain on the batteries that keeping it switched on was just not practical. So this was when the problems really began to hit. The batteries had recharged and it was foggy visibility was nill.
"we best turn that bloody machine back on, I feel like working on my suntan a bit more."
"I'll do it Frau Kaleun!" Bernard volunteered enthusiastically.
"oh thank-you Ber... NO!!!!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs but it was too late. Bernard was flciking switches on the machine left right and center doing all sorts. The SSENWAECWEMTWM began to crackle and spark and then boom, it exploded. Sadly Bernard survived the blast, but sods law her cook didn't. So she decided she would replace the cook with that weird kid in the bow compartment who picks his nose a lot, he'd do.
U-101 began a plunge of the like she had never known before down and down and down into the depths. The needle of the depth gauge was spinning like crazy round and round till the glass broke and the needle and the gauge shot off.
They were underwater, deep, very deep!
"are we dead!?" the cheif asked nervously.
"I don't know" replied Bernard who was now covered in soot with torn clothes from the explosion.
Penelope stared up the conning tower hatch, it was black up there, nervously she climbed and went to step out onto the bridge, but there was something wrong with the open hatch. She felt the top of her head wet, so she prodded the black aperture with her finger and found it was water!!
"Bernard, just what exactly did you press on that machine? because the hatch here is open and yet water is not coming into the boat!"
Bernard twitched and fumbled nervously. Uh oh!
10 hours and a lot of swearing later, they had managed to patch up the SSENWAECWEMTWM enough to enable the reset capacity. Pressing the button she found everything put back to normal, the boat was back on the surface bobbing up and down happily, and miraculously the lookouts were still alive! Even despite being faced with all that water around them! Penelope decided to make Bernards life a living hell all the way back to dock. As for the machine, she and her officers decided to say it had been destroyed by a depthcharge attack, so she took the remains, of its innards and made Bernard eat them. When he needed to expell his feaces she made him do it on deck over the side. Deciding that as regards to rule 258 in her book of conduct "no sailor shall endanger the lives of the crew of any boat I command and not receive a fitting humiliating punishment."
She decided one of the things she would do on returning to dock was to make sure everybody knew the rules of her book as next patrol she would be doing spot checks and rule 1299 in her code of conduct stated that "anybody who cannot recite the rules ver batum when asked shall be used as shark bait when I get my Type IX and head to warmer climes." Next patrol she would be sifting out who was gonna be chum for the big fishies. Which was what she was doing in her bunk now as she remembered the last patrol.
Oh yeah, they got home ok, despite being very low on fuel, blah blah blah... the Bessel is cursed and SSENWAECWEMTWM's are not a good idea.
She explained all this to the admiral and while he was perplexed at the whole affair he did say to her that she was deserving of the Iron Cross 1st class. Which suited her down to the ground! The Grey sheWolf had struck again! Oh, she also sunk 31,000 tons of allied shipping. The final ship was sunk on the way home using Bernard as a torpedo. The solution was a little off, but he hit his mark.
*******
Thanks all, I'm here for another few minutes then Im off to spend some time with Don Tomas!
:sunny:
Sometimes its just nice to be home Penelope mused to herself after a somewhat lucky escape she had from her previous patrol. She had since now set out on a new Patrol heading to grid AM53. As she guided her VIIB out of dock she stared at the well wishers in the crowd. They were all on hand to wave the departing U-boat off wishing luck. Her keen blue eye caught someone in the crowd to dare to blow her a kiss! Without so much as a word she shoved her lookouts out of the way and manned the flak cannon.
"NO NO NO Frau Kaleun!! Save it for the allies ya?!"
Her watch officer had stopped her doing an extremely silly thing. The same watch officer that would forever have the imprint of an Uzo on his forehead. But he stopped her and off the boat went.
She was trying to think of a way to summarise her last patrol in a word, crazy would be the one. She had took with her a Super Secret Evil Nazi Water And Enviromental Condition With Elemental Modifyer Tech Weather Machine or SSENWAECWEMTWM for short. She had made the stupid mistake of letting a new recruit named Bernard use the machine. As it turns out the mistake woudl cost her quite dearly.
She mused on the previous misadventure in her bunk as she lay there for a while. AM53 was a long way off yet! She remembered that the weather was not exactly perfect for the last voyage, some of the crew had offered her if she wanted them to use the SSENWAECWEMTWM to modify the weather for her so she could sunbathe while they were off the Spanish coast. It was a tempting offer! Though realising the crew had an ulterior motive she decided to have them keelhauled twice, so they knew their places. Then she took them up on their offer.
Sadly there was no deck chairs so instead she had the deck gun elevated slightly and with a bit of careful modifacation she set about relaxing in the warm Spanish sun.
"would you like a bit more sun Frau Kaleun" her crew asked her.
"No its perfectly fine as is thanks, but you could scrub the conning tower I am very worried about salt water corrosion."
They stared in disbelief not knowing why in blazes she would give them such an inane task as scrubbing the conning tower when the remaining 2/3's of the boat was in salt water permanently. When they didn't move she rattled a chain she had with her, it was just a small piece of chain. But it was enough to tell them there was a keelhaulin' coming if they didn't so off they went.
Feeling guilty about taking it easy she decided to go below and see if there was anything decent on the radio perhaps they could intercept something or whatever. She was climbing back onto the bridge and at the same time the watch was being changed. Bernard came up and said to Penelope
"Oh you look lovely today Frau Kaleun."
Penelope noted he was looking at her in a sort of sexual way. HOW DARE HE!! She remembered her rules about crew conduct when the boat was under way, and rule Number 472 cleary states "no crewman shall look at the commander in a way that can be construed as admiring her in a sexual or semi-sexual way." Obviously this fool had not read the rule book and memorised the rules!
"Do you think so, well for saying so have I got a treat for you. Raise the attack scope chief!" She called into the control room.
"what?!" he called back astonished.
"Just raise it!" She ordered.
The attack scope extended right the way up to full extension. She placed her hand against the scope and made a sort of pole dancing movement on it. She swivelled round behind the periscope and then made a 'come here' gesture to the unwitting crewman he advanced closer enthralled and somewhat embarassed truth be known.
"Hold out your arms" she said coyly.
He did.
She reached for his arms and tugged hard. He was yanked face first unsuspectingly into the attack periscope. The poor crewman fell to the floor holding his face.
"now, your job before you go on watch is to lower the attack periscope all the way."
"Yes Frau Kaleun, I'll go operate the switch."
"Ah, you perhaps didn't understand my actual wishes... I meant, lower the attack periscope, by hand! Start cranking!"
With that she disappeared below deck.
---------------------------
She smiled at the evil she inflicted on her crew from time to time, but it was not an easy job being the only female captain in the flotilla of the GWX universe. Certain standards had to be maintained, and he didn't know rule number 472 in her handbook that was his own fault. She had them all memorised so he had no excuse.
Then she remembered that things turned nasty then, the weather began to reset to normal because the SSENWAECWEMTWM was switched off. It was such a drain on the batteries that keeping it switched on was just not practical. So this was when the problems really began to hit. The batteries had recharged and it was foggy visibility was nill.
"we best turn that bloody machine back on, I feel like working on my suntan a bit more."
"I'll do it Frau Kaleun!" Bernard volunteered enthusiastically.
"oh thank-you Ber... NO!!!!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs but it was too late. Bernard was flciking switches on the machine left right and center doing all sorts. The SSENWAECWEMTWM began to crackle and spark and then boom, it exploded. Sadly Bernard survived the blast, but sods law her cook didn't. So she decided she would replace the cook with that weird kid in the bow compartment who picks his nose a lot, he'd do.
U-101 began a plunge of the like she had never known before down and down and down into the depths. The needle of the depth gauge was spinning like crazy round and round till the glass broke and the needle and the gauge shot off.
They were underwater, deep, very deep!
"are we dead!?" the cheif asked nervously.
"I don't know" replied Bernard who was now covered in soot with torn clothes from the explosion.
Penelope stared up the conning tower hatch, it was black up there, nervously she climbed and went to step out onto the bridge, but there was something wrong with the open hatch. She felt the top of her head wet, so she prodded the black aperture with her finger and found it was water!!
"Bernard, just what exactly did you press on that machine? because the hatch here is open and yet water is not coming into the boat!"
Bernard twitched and fumbled nervously. Uh oh!
10 hours and a lot of swearing later, they had managed to patch up the SSENWAECWEMTWM enough to enable the reset capacity. Pressing the button she found everything put back to normal, the boat was back on the surface bobbing up and down happily, and miraculously the lookouts were still alive! Even despite being faced with all that water around them! Penelope decided to make Bernards life a living hell all the way back to dock. As for the machine, she and her officers decided to say it had been destroyed by a depthcharge attack, so she took the remains, of its innards and made Bernard eat them. When he needed to expell his feaces she made him do it on deck over the side. Deciding that as regards to rule 258 in her book of conduct "no sailor shall endanger the lives of the crew of any boat I command and not receive a fitting humiliating punishment."
She decided one of the things she would do on returning to dock was to make sure everybody knew the rules of her book as next patrol she would be doing spot checks and rule 1299 in her code of conduct stated that "anybody who cannot recite the rules ver batum when asked shall be used as shark bait when I get my Type IX and head to warmer climes." Next patrol she would be sifting out who was gonna be chum for the big fishies. Which was what she was doing in her bunk now as she remembered the last patrol.
Oh yeah, they got home ok, despite being very low on fuel, blah blah blah... the Bessel is cursed and SSENWAECWEMTWM's are not a good idea.
She explained all this to the admiral and while he was perplexed at the whole affair he did say to her that she was deserving of the Iron Cross 1st class. Which suited her down to the ground! The Grey sheWolf had struck again! Oh, she also sunk 31,000 tons of allied shipping. The final ship was sunk on the way home using Bernard as a torpedo. The solution was a little off, but he hit his mark.
*******
Thanks all, I'm here for another few minutes then Im off to spend some time with Don Tomas!
:sunny: