The joke thread

[BossMark]

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old witch steps in front of them. 'This is a magic ride,' she says. 'You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.'
'I'm game for this,' says Dai, the Welshman, and slides down the helter-skelter shouting 'GOLD!' at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
William, the Englishman, goes next and shouts 'SILVER!' at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
Patrick, the Irishman, goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts 'WEEEEEEE!'

[Jimbuna]

Sorry mate...but older than me

[BossMark]

Are lass suggested that I get myself one of those penis enlargers.............
So I did .....Shes 21 and her names Lucy...

[Jimbuna]

My mate's a right clumsy bugga, he's just fell into a vat full of baby onions and vinegar.

He's in a right pickle now.

[AVGWarhawk]

Did you hear the one about the butcher? He backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

[sidslotm]

I used to be indecisive about threads like this, but now I'm not so sure.

[Jimbuna]

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling.

It's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

[Platapus]

I once put instant rice in the Microwave. I almost went back in time.

[Jimbuna]

A ginger guy pulled a gun on me in a deserted alley the other day.

Terrified, I offered him my wallet, he batted it aside.

Then he forced me to become friends with him.

[Herr-Berbunch]

69% of people find something rude in the most innocent of sentences.

[BossMark]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25..."

[Jimbuna]

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

[BossMark]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.
The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.
On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"

[Jimbuna]

"Knock, Knock!"
Bin Laden: "Who's there?"
Voice: "NavySeal!"
Bin Laden "No! I don't need new pvc windows! bugga off!"

[BossMark]

A senior in college took his blonde girlfriend to a football game. As the game started, he said, "Watch the guy wearing number 15. I expect him to be our best man next year."
"Oh, Honey," she said. "That's such a cleaver way to propose. I accept!"