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|10-25-2008, 03:54 PM||#1|
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A Satirical Look at Recent News
Major newspapers like the New York Times and Washington Post have seen profits and market share drop over the last few years. The same has held true for broadcast networks like CBS and NBC. This decline in profitability has prompted substantial layoffs, as well. Democratic presidential nominee, Senator Barack Obama (Ill.) says his administration will look into a “bailout” plan similar to that recently implemented for the nation’s largest banks.
“A robust media is critical to our plans for a changed America,” Obama said. “The elite stalwarts of the press and broadcast industries are under pressure from unfair competition. Unlicensed amateurs with no infrastructure are inundating the Internet with free information. This has undermined the public’s willingness to pay for subscriptions to traditional newspapers or to spend the time watching network television. We have to fix this.”
Advisors to the presumptive president-elect are said to be crafting a two-pronged approach to the problem. One prong is aimed at bolstering the financial condition of key firms. This will include a plan for the federal government to take an equity position in selected media firms and a provision to have the government purchase subscriptions so that every household can receive free delivery of one of the papers. The other prong envisions a licensing program aimed at ensuring that anyone wanting to publish news is properly trained and qualified. A newly created “Ministry of Truth” will be established to oversee the program.
“It’s a shame that a need to make a profit should limit the ability of these media representatives to stay in business,” Obama declared. “The aid package that we will pursue will remove this impediment. The licensing program will weed out the unqualified and assure the American people that only those who can meet the government’s rigorous standards will be permitted to continue. This will conserve the nation’s resources by eliminating unnecessary duplication and preventing misinformation from being disseminated.”
Virginia County Registrar Blocks Overseas Military Absentee Ballots
Fairfax County (Virginia) Registrar Rokey Suleman (D) is disallowing an estimated 90 percent of absentee ballots sent in by soldiers serving overseas.
“The law prohibits military personnel from participating in political activities while in uniform,” Suleman explained. “Troops fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan are obviously in uniform. Thus, ballots received from these war zones must be disallowed.”
Suleman distinguished between these ballots from overseas servicemen and women and those cast by military personnel within the US who could be assumed to have cast their ballots while off-duty and out of uniform.
“Besides, these people aren’t likely to be well-informed on the issues,” Suleman continued. “They’re outside the main lines of communication. They can’t watch much TV. They’re outside the delivery zone for newspapers published in this country. They’ve missed the big campaign events. It’s best that they concentrate on doing their jobs and leave the political decision making to those who are closer to home.”
Voters Warned Not to Oust Murtha
Amid polls indicating that his characterization of Pennsylvania voters as “racist rednecks” may cost Representative John Murtha (D-Pa.) his long-held seat in congress, presumptive president-elect, Senator Obama urged voters to “seriously consider the consequences before taking this drastic step.”
“Should the bitter voters of the Pennsylvania backwoods reject this great American, I will find a place for him in my administration,” Obama promised.
The Illinois senator hinted that Murtha might well end up as Secretary of Defense “where he can preside over the trials of American war criminals who have been killing innocent women and children in Iraq.”
Obama Calls Capitalism an “Outdated Ideology”
With several polls showing him pulling into a double-digit lead over his presidential rival Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.), Senator Obama elaborated on some of his planned changes for America.
“The idea that businesses and individuals should be free to selfishly make decisions for their own benefit is an outdated ideology,” Obama asserted. “This will change in an Obama Administration. When I’m president the government will ensure that all decisions are reviewed so that only those that conform to the pursuit of the common good are undertaken.”
Obama acknowledged that “there might be some resistance to the fundamental changes we intend to make, but make no mistake, we will not be turned aside from our mission.”
“Once the majority of Americans are receiving a check from the government there is no way that the wealthy minority will be able to prevent our efforts to spread their wealth around,” Obama boasted. “The Civilian National Security Force I intend to establish will help ensure compliance.”
The Illinois senator contrasted what he called his humane approach to dealing with opponents to that of the Bush Administration. “Unlike Bush, we will not be torturing our enemies in a remote military prison at Guantanamo,” Obama said. “We will gently reeducate and rehabilitate those blinded to the truth by a lifetime of capitalistic brainwashing. We won’t give up on them, no matter how long it takes for them to come around to the right way of thinking.”
In related news, talk show blowhard, Joy Behar of The View urged Obama to consider a “preemptive strike against domestic terrorists like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. These fomenters of dissent and opposition should be taken out before they destroy the ‘new America’ Obama is going to give us.”
VP Candidate Disputes Catholic Theology
Democratic vice-presidential nominee, Senator Joe Biden (Democrat-Del.) continued his war of words with assorted Catholic bishops as he reiterated his contention that Church doctrine on abortion is not a settled issue.
“The pro-choice/pro-life debate in the Catholic Church has been going on for nearly 2,000 years,” Biden contended. “It’s not as simplistic as these bishops are saying.”
Biden alleged that former “Pope John XXIII was kind of a pro-choice guy. I’m with him on this issue.”
The VP nominee said he is looking forward to “President Obama naming and the Senate approving some pro-choice candidates for future bishopric openings in the United States, so we can bring more balance to the discussion of this controversial topic.”
Foley Endorses Obama
Former Representative Mark Foley (R-Fla.) announced he is supporting Senator Barack for president.
“As a person who has been pilloried for being different, I am fully in sync with Senator Obama’s message of change,” Foley said. “I think he appreciates the needs of people like me and can be trusted to implement policies that will allow us to fulfill our dreams and aspirations.”
Foley was ousted from his seat in congress during the 2006 election when it was disclosed that he had been flirting with underage congressional pages—sending them suggestive homoerotic e-mails.
Presidential Candidate, DNC Explain Stance in Berg Suit
In behavior that has baffled understanding, Senator Obama and the Democratic National Committee (DNC) are vigorously and expensively fighting Philip Berg’s lawsuit demanding that the senator provide his birth certificate to verify that he meets the “natural born citizen” requirement to serve as president.
“Any normal person who met the requirement would simply produce the document in question,” Berg said. “Hiring an army of lawyers to avoid taking this uncomplicated step suggests that Senator Obama is either an abnormal person or one who doesn’t meet the requirement.”
John Lavelle, Obama’s attorney on this case, offered a different explanation. “Berg’s suit is premature,” Lavelle claimed. “The requirement is that a president must be a ‘natural born citizen.’ Mr. Obama is a senator. Senators aren’t required to be ‘natural born citizens.’ If Senator Obama is elected president that would be the time for such a suit.”
Lavelle also contended that only persons of sufficient stature would have the proper standing to file such a suit. “If ordinary citizens can force high-placed government officials to submit to demands for documents or testimony, this would set a bad precedent,” he argued. “To successfully rule, high ranking government officials need to remain above the petty distractions created by persons of low repute or without proper standing. Only a person of equivalent rank would have the proper standing to contest this matter. Mr. Berg does not qualify.”http://www.azconservative.org/Semmens1.htm