Politically Correct Bedtime Stories - Story One

[Stealth Hunter]

I thought it would be fun.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house--not because this was a woman's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was NOT sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it for this very reason, not because of cowardice, but because of caution towards the matter. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not bother at all to intimidate her decision-making process.

On the way to Grandma's home, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult." The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone..." Red Riding Hood said in a stern tone, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme... BUT I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you will excuse me, I must be on my way."

Red Riding Hood walked along the main path. Because, however, his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by the rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered Grandma's cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch." From the bed, the wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I may see you." Red Riding Hood responded, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat, but my goodness, Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what a large nose you have... only relatively, of course, b-but it's certainly attractive in its own way!"

"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf then replied, "I am happy with who I am and what I am." With these words, he leaped out of bed and grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws with the intent of devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space. Her screams were fortunately heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene, but as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the wolf both stopped.

The wo-... LOG-FUEL TECHNICIAN blinked and tried to answer, but no words were expelled from his lips.

"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!?" Red Riding Hood exclaimed. "SEXIST! SPECIESIST! HOW DARE YOU ASSUME THAT WOMEN AND WOLVES CAN'T SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS WITHOUT A MAN'S HELP!"

When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolf's mouth, seized the LOG-FUEL TECHNICIAN's ax, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to step up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after... although Red Riding Hood most certainly did not forget about her mother. I mean really, do you honestly think that she would lack the mental noting of such an important role-model/guardian in her life? NO.

[Sailor Steve]

At least give credit to the author if you're going to quote his stories. I've had the book since it was published more than a decade ago.
http://www.amazon.com/Politically-Co...6868769&sr=1-1

[Platapus]

Remember, the wolf is a victim too

[Stealth Hunter]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

At least give credit to the author if you're going to quote his stories. I've had the book since it was published more than a decade ago.
http://www.amazon.com/Politically-Co...6868769&sr=1-1

All in good time. Tonight, I'm going to post the second story in the book: The Emperor's New Clothes. When I come to the final story, I'll post a link to the book. Also note that there are several different versions of these stories on the Internet.

[Brag]

It is essential to give credit to the author. Even though the stuff is floating on the internet.

[STEED]

Originally Posted by Brag

It is essential to give credit to the author. Even though the stuff is floating on the internet.

What is this stuff you talk of? Sounds interesting, shall we see this stuff now?


Excuse me, what the heck have I been drinking?

STEED checks his mug.

That explainers everything.

And now back in the real world....................................