The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

The patient replies, "Give me the good news."

Dr. Smith says, "You’re about to have a disease named after you."

[Jimbuna]

As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I’m going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked coyly.

"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."

[Jimbuna]

At the dentist’s office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can’t sue you?"

"No, that’s the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."

[Jimbuna]

A guy suffering from a miserable cold begs his doctor for relief. The doctor prescribes pills. But after a week, the guy’s still sick. So the doctor gives him a shot. But that doesn’t help his condition either.

"Okay, this is what I want you to do," says the doctor on the third visit. "Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"I’ll get pneumonia!" protests the patient.

"I know. That I can cure."

[Jimbuna]

As I left my office at the National Cancer Institute, I passed one of our researchers by the front door puffing away on a cigarette.
"How can you smoke when you, of all people, know the harm caused by cigarettes?" I asked.
He took another draw, exhaled, and replied through the smoke, "Because it gives me more motivation to find a cure."

[Jimbuna]

When a rich businessman began to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant, a doctor seated at a nearby table sprang up, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and saved his life.

"Thank you, thank you!" said the businessman. "Please, I insist on paying you. Just name the fee."

"Okay," said the doctor. "How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

[Jimbuna]

Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."

"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest."

"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."

[Jimbuna]

BETTER JOB
After practicing law for several months, I was talking with my brother, John, a doctor. "My work is so exciting," I said. "People come into my office, tell me their problems and pay me for my advice."

As older brothers will, John took the upper hand. "You know," he said, "in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice."

[ReFaN]

my daughter indentifies as a small group of words standing togheter as a conceptual unit, Typically forming a component of a clause. Should i be worried or is it just a phrase?

[Platapus]

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

[Platapus]

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

[Platapus]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”


The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.


“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”


Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.


“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”


The boy licked his cone and replied:
“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

[Jimbuna]

A friend of mine was working as a nurse in a West Australian coastal town when a tourist came into the medical center with a fishhook lodged deep in his hand. Since it was the weekend, my friend had to summon the doctor from home.

The tourist was dismayed to see that the doctor was young, had long hair and wore sandals and a very casual shirt. "You don’t look much like a doctor to me," he said dubiously.

The doctor examined the hook in the tourist’s hand and responded, "And you don’t look much like a fish to me."

[Jimbuna]

Employed as a dental receptionist, I was on duty when an extremely nervous patient came for root-canal surgery. He was brought into the examining room and made comfortable in the reclining dental chair. The dentist then injected a numbing agent around the patient’s tooth, and left the room for a few minutes while the medication took hold.

When the dentist returned, the patient was standing next to a tray of dental equipment. "What are you doing by the surgical instruments?" asked the surprised dentist.

Focused on his task, the patient replied, "I’m taking out the ones I don’t like."

[Eisenwurst]

Pissed off girlfriend..... "I'm in love with a retard!!!."

Boyfriend..... "Is he bigger than me??."