The joke thread II

[JU_88]

https://memecollection.net/rip-gary/

[Jimbuna]

A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror. Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.

[Jimbuna]

My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes. I said, “I don’t have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?”

[Catfish]

Mitsubishi won at Pearl Harbour.
Why should Wolfsburg be a problem for them?
(car sticker)

[Jimbuna]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

[Jimbuna]

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

[Jimbuna]

Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are comments purportedly made by patients to physicians during their procedures.

“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”

[Jimbuna]

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”

“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only £200 a visit.”

Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For £200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for £10.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

[Jimbuna]

After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”

“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favor of it 15 to 2.”

[Eisenwurst]

On a quiz show the contestant gets asked..... "What were Eve's first words to Adam in the Garden of Eden?."

The contestant says "That's a hard one".

[Jimbuna]

Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon’s name was Dr. Eror.

"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.

"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."

[Platapus]

Perhaps only peopel who have studied law will find this mirthful, but here is a classic

A law professor, an appellate judge and a criminal trial judge are duck hunting.

In the blind, the three place a friendly wager on who will bag the first mallard.

When a bird finally flies by, the law professor turns to a textbook, matches one source against another and finds a helpful illustration, but by the time he makes his decision, the bird has flown away.

Another bird comes into view and the appellate judge steps forward. After checking pertinent cases, decisions and precedents, the appellate judge takes aim, but again the bird is gone.

When a third bird crosses overhead, the trial judge slides between the other two, raises his shotgun and blows the winged creature clear out of the sky. "I hope to hell that was a duck," he says. "

[Jimbuna]

I overheard two EMT volunteers talking about the time they went to the aid of an elderly man. As one took down his information, the other opened his shirt to attach EKG cables.

"Any history of heart trouble?" asked the first volunteer.

"None," said the patient.

Looking at the telltale scars of bypass surgery, the second volunteer wasn’t so sure. "In that case," he said, "do you remember when the lion attacked you?"

[Jimbuna]

It was time for my dog’s annual checkup. Following the vet’s instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office. When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter."

[Jimbuna]

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.

"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.

"No," John whispered. "I quit."

"That"s good. When did you quit?"

"Around 9:30 this morning."